Family Fortunes The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury

Fellow Revengers, it's been a busy week.

Many of you e-mailed me to congratulate me on my 200th revenge,

when I successfully enlisted Miss Bird in the SAS.

-Alistair!

-That'll teach her to seat me at front of class.

-Alistair!

Don't worry, she's coming back from Arctic survival training next month.

Downstairs, please. Family meeting.

Mum! I've told you not to come in while I'm broadcasting.

-I'm sure your little friends will be there later.

-They're Revengers!

That's nice. Mel's got a special announcement to make.

That's not fair!

No boy in history has ever been treated as badly as me!

# Ah, get her, get him Gettin' even ain't a sin

# Sister Mel and brother Will Make 'em take a bitter pill

-# Serve it up lukewarm

-Lukewarm

# Yes, the storm before the storm

# Oh, look out, world His average is good

# Your tea's gone cold and now you're getting old

# You know, the boy with the camera He's gonna scam ya

# Harder than Stonehenge It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #

Mum. Dad.

William. Et cetera.

You've all met my boyfriend, John.

John The One. Bleuurrgh!

John and I are very much in love.

Last week he hired a plane to write his love across the sky.

Only the best for my princess.

What a waste! If I could afford a plane I'd make better use of it.

Mel Fury stinks of goat!

-Tell them our news, John.

-You do it, angel.

-The words fall from your lips like petals from a lily.

-Bleurgh!

-Urgh.

-Huh?

Everyone...

we're engaged.

-Don't worry, champ. I'm not taking your sister away.

-I wish you were.

But you're only 16. When do you plan on getting married?

And who's going to pay for it?

-That's what I'd like to know.

-No, we're not engaged to be married.

We're engaged to be engaged.

-Stupid. I'm going back upstairs.

-We've not talked about presents yet.

-Presents?

-Pre-engagement presents.

-Obviously we don't want anything too expensive.

-Yeah, we do.

Well, tough. My pocket money's been cancelled

-for another two months, so I can't afford one.

-Mum, that's not fair.

Make him buy us presents.

Well, perhaps he could make you one.

-How about that?

-Oh, good idea!

-I'll make you one too.

-Yeah, and me.

We'll all make you presents. What do you think, Melanie?

Yeah, great(!)

-Engaged to be engaged?

-That's stupid.

I know. It's just a way to get presents. Wish I'd thought of it.

So what are you going to make for them?

I'll craft a lovely piece of home-made revenge.

A cake...with squirrels' eyeballs in it!

Mum'd do that anyway.

I've got a better idea.

A photo album full of pictures of Mel.

But that sounds quite nice.

You haven't seen the pictures.

-Here's your present.

-Oh!

Wait, wait, wait!

Now.

Look at this, my beautiful.

He's named a star after us.

The Melanie and John Pre-engagement Star.

You cut this out of a box, William.

Yeah. I'll put it on top.

Here you are, John and Mel.

The Fury family tree, to welcome you into the clan.

All the family's there. That's my mum, Constance.

Ah, great uncle Alistair - there's a cautionary tale!

Well, what do you think?

I suppose the frame's nice.

-Oh, it's wonderful, Mr Fury.

-Ah, Sean.

One of the family now, Son.

What have you got me, Mum? You can't share with Dad cos that's cheating.

I am going to do all the catering for your engagement party

-and your wedding. How about that?

-That's very thoughtful.

Has this got something to do with your TV show by any chance?

I might possibly use it as part of the show, yes.

Michael says a reality element might help ratings.

-What a fantastic set of gifts.

-And none of you spent a single penny.

Photo album, pictures of Melanie.

Oh, don't open it. It'll have pictures of frogs in or something.

No, they're photos of you.

And you look beautiful as ever. Oh, who's the chap on this one?

Oh, that's Mel's ex-boyfriend Mark.

He dumped her when he saw her without make-up.

Oh, the next one's Mel with her ex-boyfriend Si.

He left when she was sick on him at the funfair. Remember that?

Oh! That's her ex-boyfriend Alex.

He split when he learned English.

That's her ex-boyfriend Jacko.

We liked him. It was a shame when he got tracked down by the police.

That's...interesting.

I never knew you had so many FRIENDS, angel heart.

-I hate you, Alice!

-Angel heart?

Angel heart!

Ahh, I don't think he liked 'em.

Why must you do this, Alistair?

Why can't you be more like William?

He's so much more thoughtful, more caring.

-More considerate, more of a pain in the bum.

-They said that, did they?

-Not the last bit, Aaron, no.

-Oh.

They've compared me to William ever since I was born.

"William never cried as much as you.

"William never drank his milk like that."

-He is better at most things than you are.

-I'm sorry?!

Nothing. That was just my brain thinking without me.

I know exactly how to revenge myself against him.

By doing what everyone wants - being more like him.

I'll dress like him, act like him,

talk like him. You won't be able to tell the difference.

It'll drive him mad!

Ta-da!

Wow. You look just like your mum.

How's this for a wedding breakfast?

Caviar on a nest of smoked salmon,

topped with ice cream, but fish-flavoured ice cream,

and a fish finger sticking out like a 99.

-No, Mum.

-Have you any idea how much that would cost?

This wedding's going to wipe us out.

Not if it's for TV. People give you stuff for free when it's for TV.

Really?

Alice!

-What are you doing?

-What are you doing?

-What?

-What?

Oh, I get it, copying me. Pathetic.

Oh, I get it, copying me. Pathetic.

Hi, there.

Yeah. Love Limousine Hire?

How much would a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow be for the day?

Bearing in mind it is for TV.

Yeah, excellent publicity.

Free of charge, you say?

Lovely.

Get in there!

You'll get bored of this before me.

You'll get bored of this before me.

I just won't say anything, then.

I just won't say anything, then.

-Hi, William.

-You all right?

-You all right?

-This your little brother?

Yeah.

-Yeah.

-I've got a couple of free tickets

for a gig in town this Friday. Fancy coming with me?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Is that all you can say?

Gemma, can we talk about it another time because my stupid brother

is being really annoying and copying everything I say!

Tell you what. Forget it.

-Gemma!

-Gemma!

OK. If you like copying me so much, fine.

OK. If you like copying me so much, fine.

We'll start with 50 press-ups.

We'll start with 50 press-ups.

And then a ten-mile run.

And...then a ten-mile run.

Yes, I'd like to order six jeroboams of Champagne, please.

That's right, the really big bottles.

Well, bearing in mind that it is for a TV show.

Free of charge, you say? Lovely.

Dad, I'm engaged to be engaged. I'm not getting married yet.

I know, I know.

But when you do walk down the aisle

what do you say you walk down...in this?

Wow! Oh, that's really nice.

What's that on t'back?

-Oh, nothing important.

-Let's have a look.

-Mel.

-Dad!

-It's only a tiny ad, love.

No-one will even notice. And it meant that I got the dress for free.

Nice outfit, Mel. Very...you.

I thought you were out with your brother.

I was. Got back an hour ago. Don't know what happened to Alice, though.

CRASH

Hello, Alice. Nice run?

Hello, Alice. Nice run?

-Still copying me, then?

-Still copying me, then?

Mel, come on, it's not that bad.

Will, what are you doing?

Try this.

Argh! Will, put me down!

Stupid.

Pathetic. You're a weakling. I can't believe you're my brother.

I reckon Mum found you in a bush.

I bet you're not a Fury at all.

Adopted? What are you talking about?

The frame was too small.

I had to cut you out of the family tree

or there wouldn't be any room for John.

You're not adopted, Alistair.

To be honest with you, we did consider it.

But we didn't think anyone else would want you.

Watch this.

'OH, I AM BREATHING!

'OK, breathe more. One more time.

'Put your back into it, Celia. Come on!'

-Mum!

-'Don't you dare say that to me!

-I can see the head!'

BOTH: It's you!

'It's a...it's a boy!

'Oh, no!'

Fellow Revengers, how do I know I can trust them?

That baby could have been anyone. I mean, all babies look like Mr E.

But there's only one person I know who can tell me straight.

Hello, Granny. Thank you for coming at such short notice.

I've made you a Marmite sandwich and a nice pot of tea.

Now, who's this John I keep hearing about? Is he Irish?

And how much does he earn? I mean ball park.

-Can he get me a stairlift?

-I don't know, Granny. But...

If Melanie gets engaged she'll have my own ring, passed down

through the Fury family to the first grandchild engaged.

-That's nice but...

-Properly engaged, mind you.

-None of this pre-engagement nonsense.

-Granny, am I adopted?

What? Oh, of course not!

Every generation of Furys has three children.

A girl, a boy and an Alistair.

Always have done, and always will. Like your uncle Alistair.

-Who?

-Oh, yeah, we don't talk about him very much.

Well, he was a bit of a loser as a son.

I cut him out of my will and he ran off to New Zealand in a sulk.

Like HIS uncle Alistair.

He got nothing in his mother's will, he ran off to Canada.

And HIS uncle Alistair...

You know, come to think of it, all the Alistairs were complete losers.

-All of them?

-Oh, it's all in the genes, Alistair.

Nothing at all to worry about. So you can't help it.

Please, please, please don't let it be true that every Alistair Fury

in the history of the world has been a loser, that their brothers

and sisters won every time. Here's what Ralph and Aaron found out.

We present our investigation: Alistair Furys throughout history.

1066, the Battle of Hastings.

Pikeman Alistair Fury, slain by an arrow to the chest because he was

wearing his brother's hand-me-down armour and it had holes in it.

Pompeii, 79AD.

Alistair Furius was pelted with molten lava

as he took the rubbish out

cos his mum said it was his turn when it wasn't.

Stone Age Alistair Fury, trampled by bison

because his vegetarian sister wouldn't let him kill it.

1969, man lands on the moon.

Two astronauts were allowed to get out and walk on its surface.

One had to stay inside and look after the bags. His name?

Alistair!

Loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser,

loser, loser, loser, loser, loser!

Loser, loser, loser, loser, loser!

LOSER!

I resign from the Revengers. There's no point me going on.

My life is doomed.

Revengers, we need your help. Our leader won't lead.

Just because all the other Alistairs lost out, doesn't mean you have to.

-Yes, it does.

-What if you're different?

What if you get all the good stuff from your parents' will

and Mel and William get nothing?

Then you'll definitely not be a loser and you'll have beaten the curse!

-Job done.

-How?

We'll forge a will.

Come on, Ralph, let's see what's worth inheriting.

Telly. Probably worth a couple of hundred.

DVD player, 50 quid.

What's this vase worth?

Not very much, Aaron.

I'll keep looking. You go ask Mrs Fury how much the house is worth.

But don't come straight out with it. Ask her subtly.

And for the main course, goose with a pheasant stuffed inside it,

and a duck inside that, then a chicken, then a quail,

then a robin, then a little mouse.

Mum, it's only a pre-engagement.

Yes, but soon it'll be an engagement, and then a wedding.

And then who knows? Perhaps a christening.

I could get four series out of this.

And then God forbid that you do ever get divorced, but if you do

I've got some fantastic recipes.

Banana split.

Heart crumble with sour grapes.

How much is your house worth?

Nothing. She said the bank owns it.

-And there are no valuables in the house.

-Your mum said

the only treasure in the whole family is your Granny's jewellery.

Yes, of course! Granny's jewellery!

If Melanie gets engaged she'll have my own ring

passed down through the Fury family to the first...

...grandchild engaged.

That's no good. Mel's already engaged.

No. Mel's pre-engaged.

If I get engaged first, it'll mean that posh ring is mine.

-Why would you even want a ring?

-Because it'd mean I've won!

An Alistair would have won! It'd break the curse.

I must have the ring! That ring!

Precious!

But Alistair, you're 11 years old.

-You don't even have a girlfriend.

-That's where you come in.

Um, we're good mates, but...

No, you're going to find me a fiancee.

Oh! What's a fiancee?

Just make me sound like a good catch. A prize worth winning.

Raffle tickets! Ten pence per strip!

Raffle tickets!

I'll have one. What's the prize?

MUMBLES: Getting engaged to Alistair Fury.

-Getting what?

-Engaged to Alistair Fury.

-What did you say?

-Getting engaged to Alistair Fury!

-Urgh!

You must be joking!

MOBILE RINGS

Hi, Alistair.

Not great, to be honest.

Um, well, we've sold...none.

Not one? How many girls have you asked?

There aren't that many in the whole school.

Tell them that my Granny's at death's door.

That it's her dying wish that...

Oh, Alistair. I'm so sorry.

-What?

-About your granny being ill.

I wish there was something I could do.

Tell them what?

50 tickets.

It's very sad. The doctors say she may only be with us a few more days.

A week at the most.

Is there anything I can do?

It sounds a bit weird,

-but my granny's last wish was to see me get engaged.

-Engaged? You're 11.

I know. It's crazy. But so is she.

It's part of the illness.

I'd love to help you but we can't get married.

But we could get engaged.

For Granny. While she's still with us.

You don't have to mean it.

Well...

OK.

In that case, I'll do it.

Result!

William! Excuse me. I'm here to see Alistair.

Got a hot date, have you? I nearly had a date tonight

-until Alistair screwed it up.

-We're meeting your granny.

-Strange date, but then again he is a strange boy.

-Is he in?

Er...no. Change of plan.

He's already gone, gone to Granny's.

Oh, OK. Can you show me the way to Granny's, then?

Of course, that's why I'm here!

Down this road, through the industrial estate,

over the wall into the hedgehog sanctuary

and keep going until you see signs for Cardiff.

Er...thank you.

It's not just you that can do revenges, Alice.

Come on, Pamela, where are you?

-Hi, Alistair.

-No sign of my fiancee.

-Yeah, there is. She's here.

-Ta-da!

-Where?

-Ta-da!

-I can't see her.

Oh, you big silly.

Alistair, it's me, Chelsy, your wife to be.

No way. I'm engaged to Pamela Whitby.

-Hey, congratulations.

-Congratulations nothing.

I won him fair and square. Come on, Alistair,

let's shout our love from the rooftops.

I don't understand. She should be here by...

-Oh, no.

-What is it?

-My sister's coming.

What if she's engaged? She'll have the ring.

I'll never break the Alistair curse.

Oh, there you are. Make us a Marmite sandwich, will you, Alistair?

-Granny, I've got something to tell...

-Me first!

We're engaged to be married.

-You what?

-We're very much in love.

-I won him in a raffle.

-Of the heart.

-A raffle of the heart.

-But you're ten years old.

11. But it doesn't matter.

We're still engaged.

-So, Granny.

-You get my engagement ring.

Passed down through generations of the Fury family.

Yes!

Treat it with respect.

-What's that?

-My engagement ring.

-But it's tiny.

-Of course it is.

We were a poor Irish family.

It was made for small, potato-famished hands.

Only fits my little finger now.

-What happened to that big expensive...

-This one?

Got that in the arcades last week.

Cost a fortune. I'll be buried in that one.

Can I share my news now?

-My engagement's off.

-What?

I cannot believe you would do this to me. My own daughter!

-It's a real body blow.

-But I'm 16. I'm too young to be getting married.

Oh, that's so selfish.

We had the whole series scheduled.

We had a name, Celia Fury's Wedding Feasts.

And Mel, Mel calls off the engagement.

I've just got the free champagne. They'll want that back now.

And the fireworks. And the chocolate fountain.

And the lizards.

-Lizards?

-They were free.

I couldn't turn them down.

-Mum, Dad, I've got an announcement.

-Yes, Alistair, not now.

-We're in crisis.

-This is Chelsy, my fiancee.

Hiya.

We're engaged to be married. What do you think about that?

Why, darling,

that's absolutely wonderful.

-Congratulations, Son.

-We don't care if you do forbid it... What?

We're absolutely thrilled for you.

Couldn't be happier.

-But...I'm 11.

-And you've already found the right girl. Good for you.

I'll phone my producer, tell him the show's back on.

Fellow Revengers, I'm running away.

Just like uncle Alistair, great-uncle Alistair

and great-great-uncle Alistair.

Fate's beaten me.

Oh. Nice to see you're finally tidying up in here.

Now, Alistair, I've brought you something.

It's a neck chain from my brother, your uncle Alec.

He wanted you to have it when you got engaged.

-I've never heard of uncle Alec.

-You were supposed to be named after him

but your father filled the forms in wrong at the hospital.

Anyway, we don't much talk about Alec.

The little brothers on my side have...colourful histories.

Interesting! So I was supposed to be an Alec.

Uncle Alecs in history.

Alec Turpin, highwayman.

Robbed stagecoaches. Only the ones with his parents on board.

Alec Hood. Stole from the rich to give to the poor,

then stole from his brother and kept it.

Alec Capone.

Public enemy number one, especially when he pinched

his sister's holiday money.

I never knew Mum's family were such brilliant revengers.

I can't run off now, I'd be letting them down.

-So what are you going to do?

-The same thing uncle Alec would do:

turn the situation to my advantage.

What do you get at a wedding?

-Married?

-No.

Presents! Wait till you see my wedding list.

Individual tartlets of goats' cheese, drizzled with goats' milk

and topped with goats' meat.

Here you are, boys.

Alan, Aaron, Ralph.

ALISTAIR!

Quite a wedding list, Alistair.

Well, you only get married once.

Was there anything on it for Chelsy?

-Who?

-DOORBELL CHIMES

First guest!

What do you think they might bring? Digital camera? Scooter?

I'm so sorry I didn't find you at your grandmother's.

I got myself completely lost.

-That's OK.

-I hope I'm not too late.

Your granny, is she still with us?

Yeah, she's over there.

Thank goodness.

-Hello, Granny Fury.

-Who are you?

I'm Pamela, Alistair's fiancee.

I thought that one was his fiancee.

-No, Granny. It's me.

It is not! He's marrying me!

-Alistair?

Fine! If you think you can mess me about,

Alistair Fury, then the wedding's off.

Keep your stupid ring.

Were you using me, Alistair?

Not intentionally, no.

Then may all your bedfellows be worms! Goodnight.

Ah, looks like the engagement's off.

I'll phone round, tell everyone not to bring presents.

Fellow Revengers,

it's been a difficult week. I've been engaged twice and dumped twice.

I've lost out on the best presents in the history of the world.

But, on the bright side, I'm not marrying Chelsy.

And even better, I've found out I come from a long line of

successful and talented revengers.

In the future, little brothers will rule the world

and an Alistair Fury will be overlord of the entire galaxy.

This is Alistair Fury signing off.

This is your general speaking. Be aware that all homes must now

display a life-sized statue of myself, your leader,

-upon pain of death.

Alistair!

This is according to space directive 397B.

Downstairs, please. Family meeting.

Mum! I've told you not to come in when I'm broadcasting.

I'm sure all your little friends will be there later.

They're not little friends. They're the people of the Delta Nine galaxy.

-That's nice.

-It's not fair.

No boy in history has ever been treated as badly as me.