The M Factor The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury

Hail, fellow Revengers. This...

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

..is all granny's fault for saying...

Those M Factor judges aren't going to be able to resist you.

You know, when it comes to music, you're quite the little star!

-I'm better than Mel and Will, aren't I, Granny?

-You most certainly are.

When it comes to music, Mel and Will are useless.

As useless as a pair of chocolate teapots!

If only the chocolate teapots hadn't been listening at the door.

# Oh, get her, get him Getting even ain't a sin

# Sister Mel and Brother Will Make 'em take a bitter pill

# Serve it up lukewarm

# Yeah, it's the storm before the storm

# Oh, look out, world Your sandwich is curled

# Your tea's gone cold and now you're getting old

# Y'know, the boy with the camera He's gonna scam ya

# Harder than Stonehenge It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #

Why can't big brothers and big sisters

let little brothers be better than them at anything?

Why do they have to prove that they can play music too?

I've got a complaint.

What's that you say?

Another 60 miles? Easy!

I've got a complaint.

I'm opening a fete in the morning as THE local celebrity

and need my sleep. It's too late for your whining.

I can't sleep.

Mel and Will have formed a band and are trying better me at music.

We've invented a whole new music scene called Thrash Punk Noise!

The thing is, the worst noise is the best,

so it takes two minutes to become a master.

LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC

So, we're already like... 100 times better than you.

We're thinking of entering The M Factor next week,

because we know we'd win!

You've got to stop them saying that.

The M Factor's always been my talent contest.

You can't let them enter too, not this year,

not now Mrs Mutley thinks I'm good.

Who's my little Mozart? LOUD KISS

Ugh! She thinks I'm good enough to win this year

and if Pamela Whitby wins too,

we get to go to Burger Bin together. So, you've got to tell them to stop.

-It's not true.

-He's jealous because we're better at playing music!

I'm the special one who can play an instrument!

-Were, Alice, were.

-GUITAR RIFF

Right. Right.

From now on bickering costs cash.

I'm officially starting a family Whine Box. Goodnight!

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

SOS! Calling all Revengers!

Hello! Anybody awake? Aaron?

-What's up?

-Ah, there you are, Aaron.

-I knew you'd still be awake.

-What is it?

-MEOW

-You've woke the stupid cat!

SHUT UP!

I can't sleep.

I need a revenge to stop Mel and Will practicing their music.

You can have my stupid cat.

-Her screeching will stop anyone singing.

-Brilliant!

Is it?

Yeah. Where am I going to find 20 screeching cats at this time?

I don't know. Try fishing.

LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC

MEOWING

Ah, revenge, sweet revenge.

-Do we have your permission to trap his fingers in the piano lid?

-No.

Why not? You saw what he did to our music last night.

He trampled on our dreams to become rock legends.

Well, he told me that you two only took up music

to prove that you can be better at it than he is.

You believed that? You're as bad as Alice.

-I should sue the pair of you for character besmirchment!

-Me too!

£1 a whine, the money's to sponsor your father in the Great North Run.

-That's so not fair!

-That is so £1.

Thank you

LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC

Why are we wearing these?

Because Mel and Will follow me everywhere I go

to practice their fresh punk noise.

They only do it to torture me so I can hear them getting better.

-They're threatening to enter the M Factor.

-What's that then?

-Mutley Factor.

-Mrs Mutley's talent contest.

-Why can't they enter?

Mrs Mutley pays for the winners to go for a meal at the Burger Bin.

And if Alistair wins and Pamela wins too, they get to go together.

Pamela Whitby always wins

the tortured souls poetry section.

Love is a beast with manly hands that carries you off to its lair

but never lets you go again and drags you round by your hair.

So, they're are two winners?

No, three. One in the music section, that's between me and misery.

And one in the freaky children

who can do disgusting things with their bodies section.

That's going to be Sanjay.

He's not doing that thing with his shoulder, is he?

-Yes.

-That's horrible.

-Do you want to see it?

-ALL: No!

SHOULDER CRUNCHES

ALL: Argh!

I know you're in here, Mozart.

Time for your MUSIC LESSON!

I see. So, you don't want me opening your fete after all,

in spite of me spending £100 on a new outfit

with Queen-style gloves for multiple handshakings.

No, no, that's fine and let's just forget about the photographer

I've paid for to be there, shall we?

He can point his camera at your new celebrity instead.

Celia, can I have a quick word?

Yes, come.

Can you believe that?

I've just been replaced by Bubba.

Granddaughter of the pig who played Babe!

Argh! I hate her kisses!

Now that your warty girlfriend's gone, we've got you to ourselves.

-Come into the living room.

-Are you still angry about the fish?

Are you serious?

-Yes.

-And I can wear this outfit?

-Of course.

-And you won't replace me with a pig?

Oh, it never crossed my mind.

Oh, Mrs Mutley, thank you.

-Mwah.

-Mwah. I shall go to the ball after all!

Oh, it's not a ball. Just a talent show.

See you Wednesday at five in the school hall.

Out the way, Celia. Once this lot gets moving it pretty hard to stop.

-Delighted to meet you. So glad you could come.

-Em, I live here.

Mrs Mutley has asked me to the judge at The M Factor, me.

She needed a celebrity and she thought of me first. First!

Well... congratulations.

Don't be so childish. And why are you wearing all this rubbish?

This is everything I need to survive the Great North Run.

Apart from a new pair of legs obviously.

Well, if you're going to go for a stupid run, then go!

I've got cooking to do.

I'm going to bake an original Celia Fury cake for Mrs Mutley

by way of a special thank you.

I'm torn between the fruit and veg cake and the compost cake.

What's in the compost cake?

Compost.

There's your choice.

You don't approve of all of this do you?

When people usually do charity fun-runs

they do it for the charity or for the fun,

not because work gives them five days off for training.

Oh, you heard, huh?

Well, first training run.

Keep an eye on the clock for me, I forgot to get a stopwatch.

-We're trying to help you. Is that hard to believe?

-Yes!

-It's true.

It's one thing being a great musician,

it's quite another seeing your own flesh and blood

dive headlong into emotional disaster.

I don't understand a word you said.

Playing the piano and winning The M Factor

-is not going to make Pamela like you, Alice.

-This is you helping me?

Real men don't play the piano, real men play Thrash Punk Noise.

If Pamela had the choice of going out with a real man and a girl,

she'll choose the real man every time.

Who's a girl?

You are.

I'm not a girl!

Then why were you wearing a dress at your christening, Alice?

No!

I'm not a girl!

-I'm not a girl.

-Maybe there was a mix-up at the hospital.

Maybe the baby that your mum gave birth to was a boy

but the baby they took home was a girl,

and they forgot to take you back.

I've got a whatsit.

It's not very difficult to carve one out of a carrot.

That explains why Mum and Dad would never buy me a rabbit.

I bet you cried at The Ugly Duckling the first time you read it?

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

How long...was that? An hour?

Six minutes.

That's because it was all up hill part of the way.

We need to get some more of this.

I'm not really feeling the benefit.

So, was that run fun?

Not really, no. Oh, cramp!

AH! It feels like a herd of bison is pulling my leg off.

It's just cramp.

This pain isn't cramp.

This is like childbirth of the leg!

I must have dislocated a hip or something. Ah! Ooh!

-About 40 quid should do it.

-Oh.

This is a disaster.

If Pamela won't go out with me because I play piano,

what am I going to do?

-You'll have to give up piano.

-And take up Thrash Punk Noise?

-No.

Good. I'm not going to give them the satisfaction.

There's other ways to make her think you're a man.

-Like what?

-I'll get some hints off the internet.

-Then you can take her to Burger Bin.

-It sounds a bit dodgy to me.

Look, there's no point in arguing about it. Time's against us.

First, you've got to get rid of Mrs Mutley.

And here's the honey and ricey Crispy Pops to do it.

Mrs Mutley? Warts.

I caught them off you when you gave me that kiss.

I'm not calling you a creepy reptile, just I can't learn piano

off you any more, in case I catch an even worse disease

like Crocodile Skin. I'm pulling out of The M Factor.

Oh, Alistair...

my little Mozart!

I think you've just broken my heart!

SHE SOBS

Well, that was easy. These warts taste delicious.

-What next?

-Next, we have to turn you into a real man

-so Pamela finds you irresistible.

-How will we do that?

Well, according to this website -

How To Turn Yourself Into A Real Man -

the first thing you need are bigger hands and bigger feet.

Fellow Revengers, I have switched to Man Mode to pursue Pamela Whitby.

Hence the muscles.

I shall also be trying to win her over with a few whopping great lies.

According to Ralph's website, girls like liars.

In fact the badder the boy, the more girls give him their phone numbers.

Target spotted! Pamela!

Pamela?

I'm not playing in The M Factor any more. I've given up piano!

Look! I'm a real man now! I've got muscles.

I can do press ups.

HE STRAINS

-Nearly.

-What are you doing in those flippers, Alistair?

Just going for a walk.

-You're lying, aren't you?

-No.

So why've you given up the piano?

Because of mum's accident with the blender,

in which she lost an arm and a leg.

She can't drive me to lessons any more.

Is that true?

Yes!

No. I can't keep this up.

-It's because girls don't like boys who play the piano.

-That isn't true.

I like boys who play the piano. Especially Chopin.

-Really?

-I don't like boys who lie.

-No.

I can play Chopin! In fact that's what I'm playing in The M Factor.

You just said you weren't playing.

Oops! I must have gone deaf like Beethoven.

Pamela, if we win The M Factor can we go to Burger Bin together?

And don't lie back.

I might.

Well, I'm not stopping now, William.

Well, all I'm saying is Mrs Mutley might not want

that cake after what Alice has done to her.

Actually, we shouldn't tell Mum, it might get Alice into trouble.

Well, you've gone this far you can't stop now.

Oh, all right.

Alice has given up piano and won't be appearing in The M Factor.

-What!

-With no Fury family interest in the contest she won't want you.

And it's all Alice's fault.

Why can't BIG brothers and BIG sisters

let LITTLE brothers be better than them at ANYTHING?!

What about my photo in the local paper?

I can't miss out on that twice!

I know. He's selfish isn't he?

-You'll have to do it.

-What?

-Well, you two can play music,

Mrs Mutley won't cancel if some of the family play.

We're not playing on a stage with a bunch of babies!

We only said we might to wind up Alice.

Well, I'll give you £50. I'll let you win, I'm the judge.

-50? With what you're saving on piano lessons?!

-All right, 100 then.

Well, I wouldn't want to win unless you thought we were talented

and good enough to beat Alistair.

And we'd want you to say that, obviously. In front of everyone.

I see...

Hmm? Well, as judge,

and assuming not another word is said on the matter,

can you win?

-Yes! Consider it done.

-BOTH: Yes!

Traitors!

This calls for a mighty, manly revenge!

It's time to sabotage

mum's celebrity appearance and make sure

I'm publicly crowned better at music than Mel and Will!

Are you all right, Dad?

Ahh, not too great, Alistair,

I've had to give up my dreams of being a runner,

owing to the sudden temporary stiffness of my leg.

Thought I'd use the sponsorship money to buy us a takeaway. Yes?

You will not! That money was collected for charitable causes.

And I'm not talking to you.

Why not?

When Mel and Will said I wasn't playing in the talent contest,

they made a mistake.

What they meant to say was I'm not playing in the...school hall,

Mrs Mutley's changed the venue.

This is a map with directions.

Oh. So you are playing in the contest now?

-Yeah!

-Excellent.

I can get my £100 back off Mel.

No way. I've just invested in these and a deal is a deal.

Oh, now those will look lovely in a wedding dress.

Anyway I'm looking forward to beating you, Alice.

What £100, Mummy?

Did I say £100? I meant...

Oh, what a sweet little map! Is it all taking place in the countryside?

Get in there!

You'd better leave in plenty of time, because we don't want

you getting lost and not being there to pick the winners!

I know what to spend the charity money in the whine box on.

-It's not me, is it?

-No.

It's a limousine so I can arrive in style for the photographers!

PIANO PLAYS

SHOULDER CRUNCHES

-Euw!

-Eurgh! I wish you'd stop doing that!

-It's not fair.

Everyone else gets to practice for the talent contest.

But not everyone does something so revolting.

Can we see Mrs Mutley now?

-No. She's still giving Misri his lesson.

-Why is he still playing?

I thought Alistair gave you £8 of chocolate to sit on his fingers?

He did, but then Dad said I couldn't.

And when Dad says, "No," you don't.

You agreed to what?!

Want me to dress up as Little Mozart!?

Well, she's singing Queen of the Night

from The Magic Flute and he wrote it.

That doesn't make it any better. What does Mozart wear?

Wig, tights, bit of a tunic.

Oh, great(!)

And you've got to let her kiss you whenever she wants!

-What?!

-If you want back in, that's the deal.

'You do what you have to do, don't you?

'If I wanted to win I either taught myself Chopin to concert standard,

'or did a bit of cheating.'

There we go. How easy was that?

One Chopin piece recorded, one contract signed.

"I, Misri Chatterji, in return for the Revengers

"buying a chocolate fountain for my useless brother,

"do hereby promise not to be as good as Alistair tomorrow. Signed Misri."

KNOCKING

-Alistair it's Pamela. Can I come in?

-Quick, behind the curtains!

-Hello, Pamela. I didn't see you there.

-So it WAS you playing.

I thought you were lying when you said you could play Chopin.

I wouldn't lie to you.

No. See you tomorrow.

She thinks you're telling the truth!

So, who cares if the Chopin was played by Misri,

so long as my stupid brother and sister are forced to admit

that I'm better at music than they are!

Oh, Misri!

Where's he gone?

Oh, dear.

SIREN BLARES

Alistair Fury!

You break my son's arm.

I'm coming to get you!

Aggh!

-Bodyguard?

-Bodyguard?

Yeah, wear sunglasses to look hard and bring a rounders bat.

When are we going to get time to play rounders?

-For protection!

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

SHOULDER CRUNCHING AUDIENCE GASPS

-Am I late?

-You've not missed much.

Sanjay's just finished doing that thing with his shoulder.

GIRL RETCHES

And Pamela's just started her tortured poetry.

-This poem is called... Black.

-That's not a rounders bat.

It was either this or a ping-pong ball. Where is Alistair?

Behind the curtain. Revenging.

Despair, despair, despair!

APPLAUSE

Right, come along then.

We're late already!

According to Alistair's map, it should be over that hill.

That map's had us going round in circles for the last hour!

And you don't seriously expect me

to climb THAT gate in THIS outfit, do you?!

If you want to make it to the talent contest, yes. I'd offer to carry you

but in case you hadn't noticed I'm in a wheelbarrow.

Well, call the limo back then.

I can't, we only had enough money for a one-way journey.

Knew I should have whined more.

Well, come along then.

The public is waiting!

Erm, look if I carry the cake, you wouldn't give us a push would you?

And now we have two new entrants to The M Factor,

doing something special, which is why it's hidden behind a curtain.

With a new kind of music called, Thrash Punk Noise,

it's Mel and William Fury!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER

SQUEALING DISCORDANT GUITAR

GUITAR "WHINNIES"

INSTRUMENTS PLAY ANIMAL NOISES

DRUMS GROWL AND QUACK

MOOING

GIGGLING

Wait a minute. No, no, no, we should be over here...

MRS MUTLEY TRILLS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mwah.

It looks like our celebrity judge couldn't be bothered to turn up,

so I shall be awarding the music prize today.

We won't beat Alice unless Mum judges.

-Mrs Mutley loves him too much.

-She's still not answering.

No signal!

And now, saving the best till last, here's our final contestant,

Alistair Fury!

APPLAUSE

RECORDING OF MISRI PLAYS

Thank you.

Nice man, huh, giving us a lift like that.

Taking pity on me because I'm in a wheelbarrow.

Bye-bye, Bubba.

Are you not going to give us a push?!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh...

he's my little Chopin now!

-RECORDING:

-'One Chopin piece recorded.'

Well, I have no hesitation in saying that the winner

of this year's music prize,

joining Pamela Whitby...

and Sanjay Chatterji...

Oof, oof, that's my boy! That's my boy!

as M Factor champions,

is...Alistair Fury!

-We've been stitched up!

-Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-RECORDING:

-'She thinks you're telling the truth!

-So.

'Who cares if the Chopin was played by Misri so long as my stupid

'brother and sister are forced to admit

'I'm better at music than they are!'

Treachery! My Misri was robbed of his crown by a cheat and a liar!

-Do you want to take him on?

-No thanks.

-MUM:

-Alistair!

Pamela. No. It was an accident! I didn't mean to lie.

It's time to face the music! Get the door.

Come here.

Wait till I get my hands on you, you little liar.

Argh!

Ooof! Ow!

-MUM:

-My cake!

My CAKE! Oh...!

Well, you win some, you lose some, Revengers, and I've lost Pamela.

But, on the upside, Mel and Will never want to play music again,

mum's had enough of the local photographers...

and Dad's happy, because when he fell out of the wheelbarrow,

he broke his leg and he's got six weeks off work.

There's only one problem...

how am I going to get past him on Monday morning?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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