The M Factor The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury


The M Factor

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Hail, fellow Revengers. This...

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HEAVY METAL MUSIC

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..is all granny's fault for saying...

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Those M Factor judges aren't going to be able to resist you.

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You know, when it comes to music, you're quite the little star!

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-I'm better than Mel and Will, aren't I, Granny?

-You most certainly are.

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When it comes to music, Mel and Will are useless.

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As useless as a pair of chocolate teapots!

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If only the chocolate teapots hadn't been listening at the door.

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# Oh, get her, get him Getting even ain't a sin

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# Sister Mel and Brother Will Make 'em take a bitter pill

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# Serve it up lukewarm

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# Yeah, it's the storm before the storm

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# Oh, look out, world Your sandwich is curled

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# Your tea's gone cold and now you're getting old

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# Y'know, the boy with the camera He's gonna scam ya

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# Harder than Stonehenge It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #

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Why can't big brothers and big sisters

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let little brothers be better than them at anything?

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Why do they have to prove that they can play music too?

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I've got a complaint.

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What's that you say?

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Another 60 miles? Easy!

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I've got a complaint.

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I'm opening a fete in the morning as THE local celebrity

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and need my sleep. It's too late for your whining.

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I can't sleep.

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Mel and Will have formed a band and are trying better me at music.

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We've invented a whole new music scene called Thrash Punk Noise!

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The thing is, the worst noise is the best,

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so it takes two minutes to become a master.

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LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC

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So, we're already like... 100 times better than you.

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We're thinking of entering The M Factor next week,

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because we know we'd win!

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You've got to stop them saying that.

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The M Factor's always been my talent contest.

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You can't let them enter too, not this year,

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not now Mrs Mutley thinks I'm good.

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Who's my little Mozart? LOUD KISS

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Ugh! She thinks I'm good enough to win this year

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and if Pamela Whitby wins too,

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we get to go to Burger Bin together. So, you've got to tell them to stop.

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-It's not true.

-He's jealous because we're better at playing music!

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I'm the special one who can play an instrument!

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-Were, Alice, were.

-GUITAR RIFF

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Right. Right.

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From now on bickering costs cash.

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I'm officially starting a family Whine Box. Goodnight!

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HEAVY METAL MUSIC

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SOS! Calling all Revengers!

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Hello! Anybody awake? Aaron?

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-What's up?

-Ah, there you are, Aaron.

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-I knew you'd still be awake.

-What is it?

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-MEOW

-You've woke the stupid cat!

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SHUT UP!

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I can't sleep.

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I need a revenge to stop Mel and Will practicing their music.

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You can have my stupid cat.

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-Her screeching will stop anyone singing.

-Brilliant!

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Is it?

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Yeah. Where am I going to find 20 screeching cats at this time?

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I don't know. Try fishing.

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LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC

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MEOWING

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Ah, revenge, sweet revenge.

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-Do we have your permission to trap his fingers in the piano lid?

-No.

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Why not? You saw what he did to our music last night.

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He trampled on our dreams to become rock legends.

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Well, he told me that you two only took up music

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to prove that you can be better at it than he is.

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You believed that? You're as bad as Alice.

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-I should sue the pair of you for character besmirchment!

-Me too!

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£1 a whine, the money's to sponsor your father in the Great North Run.

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-That's so not fair!

-That is so £1.

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Thank you

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LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC

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Why are we wearing these?

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Because Mel and Will follow me everywhere I go

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to practice their fresh punk noise.

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They only do it to torture me so I can hear them getting better.

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-They're threatening to enter the M Factor.

-What's that then?

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-Mutley Factor.

-Mrs Mutley's talent contest.

-Why can't they enter?

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Mrs Mutley pays for the winners to go for a meal at the Burger Bin.

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And if Alistair wins and Pamela wins too, they get to go together.

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Pamela Whitby always wins

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the tortured souls poetry section.

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Love is a beast with manly hands that carries you off to its lair

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but never lets you go again and drags you round by your hair.

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So, they're are two winners?

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No, three. One in the music section, that's between me and misery.

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And one in the freaky children

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who can do disgusting things with their bodies section.

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That's going to be Sanjay.

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He's not doing that thing with his shoulder, is he?

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-Yes.

-That's horrible.

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-Do you want to see it?

-ALL: No!

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SHOULDER CRUNCHES

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ALL: Argh!

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I know you're in here, Mozart.

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Time for your MUSIC LESSON!

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I see. So, you don't want me opening your fete after all,

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in spite of me spending £100 on a new outfit

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with Queen-style gloves for multiple handshakings.

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No, no, that's fine and let's just forget about the photographer

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I've paid for to be there, shall we?

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He can point his camera at your new celebrity instead.

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Celia, can I have a quick word?

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Yes, come.

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Can you believe that?

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I've just been replaced by Bubba.

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Granddaughter of the pig who played Babe!

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Argh! I hate her kisses!

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Now that your warty girlfriend's gone, we've got you to ourselves.

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-Come into the living room.

-Are you still angry about the fish?

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Are you serious?

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-Yes.

-And I can wear this outfit?

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-Of course.

-And you won't replace me with a pig?

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Oh, it never crossed my mind.

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Oh, Mrs Mutley, thank you.

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-Mwah.

-Mwah. I shall go to the ball after all!

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Oh, it's not a ball. Just a talent show.

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See you Wednesday at five in the school hall.

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Out the way, Celia. Once this lot gets moving it pretty hard to stop.

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-Delighted to meet you. So glad you could come.

-Em, I live here.

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Mrs Mutley has asked me to the judge at The M Factor, me.

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She needed a celebrity and she thought of me first. First!

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Well... congratulations.

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Don't be so childish. And why are you wearing all this rubbish?

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This is everything I need to survive the Great North Run.

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Apart from a new pair of legs obviously.

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Well, if you're going to go for a stupid run, then go!

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I've got cooking to do.

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I'm going to bake an original Celia Fury cake for Mrs Mutley

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by way of a special thank you.

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I'm torn between the fruit and veg cake and the compost cake.

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What's in the compost cake?

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Compost.

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There's your choice.

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You don't approve of all of this do you?

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When people usually do charity fun-runs

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they do it for the charity or for the fun,

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not because work gives them five days off for training.

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Oh, you heard, huh?

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Well, first training run.

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Keep an eye on the clock for me, I forgot to get a stopwatch.

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-We're trying to help you. Is that hard to believe?

-Yes!

-It's true.

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It's one thing being a great musician,

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it's quite another seeing your own flesh and blood

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dive headlong into emotional disaster.

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I don't understand a word you said.

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Playing the piano and winning The M Factor

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-is not going to make Pamela like you, Alice.

-This is you helping me?

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Real men don't play the piano, real men play Thrash Punk Noise.

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If Pamela had the choice of going out with a real man and a girl,

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she'll choose the real man every time.

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Who's a girl?

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You are.

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I'm not a girl!

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Then why were you wearing a dress at your christening, Alice?

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No!

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I'm not a girl!

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-I'm not a girl.

-Maybe there was a mix-up at the hospital.

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Maybe the baby that your mum gave birth to was a boy

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but the baby they took home was a girl,

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and they forgot to take you back.

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I've got a whatsit.

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It's not very difficult to carve one out of a carrot.

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That explains why Mum and Dad would never buy me a rabbit.

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I bet you cried at The Ugly Duckling the first time you read it?

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You're enjoying this, aren't you?

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How long...was that? An hour?

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Six minutes.

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That's because it was all up hill part of the way.

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We need to get some more of this.

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I'm not really feeling the benefit.

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So, was that run fun?

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Not really, no. Oh, cramp!

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AH! It feels like a herd of bison is pulling my leg off.

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It's just cramp.

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This pain isn't cramp.

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This is like childbirth of the leg!

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I must have dislocated a hip or something. Ah! Ooh!

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-About 40 quid should do it.

-Oh.

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This is a disaster.

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If Pamela won't go out with me because I play piano,

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what am I going to do?

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-You'll have to give up piano.

-And take up Thrash Punk Noise?

-No.

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Good. I'm not going to give them the satisfaction.

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There's other ways to make her think you're a man.

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-Like what?

-I'll get some hints off the internet.

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-Then you can take her to Burger Bin.

-It sounds a bit dodgy to me.

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Look, there's no point in arguing about it. Time's against us.

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First, you've got to get rid of Mrs Mutley.

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And here's the honey and ricey Crispy Pops to do it.

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Mrs Mutley? Warts.

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I caught them off you when you gave me that kiss.

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I'm not calling you a creepy reptile, just I can't learn piano

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off you any more, in case I catch an even worse disease

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like Crocodile Skin. I'm pulling out of The M Factor.

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Oh, Alistair...

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my little Mozart!

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I think you've just broken my heart!

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SHE SOBS

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Well, that was easy. These warts taste delicious.

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-What next?

-Next, we have to turn you into a real man

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-so Pamela finds you irresistible.

-How will we do that?

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Well, according to this website -

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How To Turn Yourself Into A Real Man -

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the first thing you need are bigger hands and bigger feet.

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Fellow Revengers, I have switched to Man Mode to pursue Pamela Whitby.

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Hence the muscles.

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I shall also be trying to win her over with a few whopping great lies.

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According to Ralph's website, girls like liars.

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In fact the badder the boy, the more girls give him their phone numbers.

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Target spotted! Pamela!

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Pamela?

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I'm not playing in The M Factor any more. I've given up piano!

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Look! I'm a real man now! I've got muscles.

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I can do press ups.

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HE STRAINS

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-Nearly.

-What are you doing in those flippers, Alistair?

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Just going for a walk.

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-You're lying, aren't you?

-No.

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So why've you given up the piano?

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Because of mum's accident with the blender,

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in which she lost an arm and a leg.

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She can't drive me to lessons any more.

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Is that true?

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Yes!

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No. I can't keep this up.

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-It's because girls don't like boys who play the piano.

-That isn't true.

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I like boys who play the piano. Especially Chopin.

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-Really?

-I don't like boys who lie.

-No.

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I can play Chopin! In fact that's what I'm playing in The M Factor.

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You just said you weren't playing.

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Oops! I must have gone deaf like Beethoven.

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Pamela, if we win The M Factor can we go to Burger Bin together?

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And don't lie back.

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I might.

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Well, I'm not stopping now, William.

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Well, all I'm saying is Mrs Mutley might not want

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that cake after what Alice has done to her.

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Actually, we shouldn't tell Mum, it might get Alice into trouble.

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Well, you've gone this far you can't stop now.

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Oh, all right.

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Alice has given up piano and won't be appearing in The M Factor.

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-What!

-With no Fury family interest in the contest she won't want you.

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And it's all Alice's fault.

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Why can't BIG brothers and BIG sisters

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let LITTLE brothers be better than them at ANYTHING?!

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What about my photo in the local paper?

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I can't miss out on that twice!

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I know. He's selfish isn't he?

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-You'll have to do it.

-What?

-Well, you two can play music,

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Mrs Mutley won't cancel if some of the family play.

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We're not playing on a stage with a bunch of babies!

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We only said we might to wind up Alice.

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Well, I'll give you £50. I'll let you win, I'm the judge.

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-50? With what you're saving on piano lessons?!

-All right, 100 then.

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Well, I wouldn't want to win unless you thought we were talented

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and good enough to beat Alistair.

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And we'd want you to say that, obviously. In front of everyone.

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I see...

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Hmm? Well, as judge,

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and assuming not another word is said on the matter,

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can you win?

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-Yes! Consider it done.

-BOTH: Yes!

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Traitors!

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This calls for a mighty, manly revenge!

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It's time to sabotage

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mum's celebrity appearance and make sure

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I'm publicly crowned better at music than Mel and Will!

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Are you all right, Dad?

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Ahh, not too great, Alistair,

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I've had to give up my dreams of being a runner,

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owing to the sudden temporary stiffness of my leg.

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Thought I'd use the sponsorship money to buy us a takeaway. Yes?

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You will not! That money was collected for charitable causes.

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And I'm not talking to you.

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Why not?

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When Mel and Will said I wasn't playing in the talent contest,

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they made a mistake.

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What they meant to say was I'm not playing in the...school hall,

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Mrs Mutley's changed the venue.

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This is a map with directions.

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Oh. So you are playing in the contest now?

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-Yeah!

-Excellent.

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I can get my £100 back off Mel.

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No way. I've just invested in these and a deal is a deal.

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Oh, now those will look lovely in a wedding dress.

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Anyway I'm looking forward to beating you, Alice.

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What £100, Mummy?

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Did I say £100? I meant...

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Oh, what a sweet little map! Is it all taking place in the countryside?

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Get in there!

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You'd better leave in plenty of time, because we don't want

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you getting lost and not being there to pick the winners!

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I know what to spend the charity money in the whine box on.

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-It's not me, is it?

-No.

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It's a limousine so I can arrive in style for the photographers!

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PIANO PLAYS

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SHOULDER CRUNCHES

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-Euw!

-Eurgh! I wish you'd stop doing that!

-It's not fair.

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Everyone else gets to practice for the talent contest.

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But not everyone does something so revolting.

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Can we see Mrs Mutley now?

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-No. She's still giving Misri his lesson.

-Why is he still playing?

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I thought Alistair gave you £8 of chocolate to sit on his fingers?

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He did, but then Dad said I couldn't.

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And when Dad says, "No," you don't.

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You agreed to what?!

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Want me to dress up as Little Mozart!?

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Well, she's singing Queen of the Night

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from The Magic Flute and he wrote it.

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That doesn't make it any better. What does Mozart wear?

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Wig, tights, bit of a tunic.

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Oh, great(!)

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And you've got to let her kiss you whenever she wants!

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-What?!

-If you want back in, that's the deal.

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'You do what you have to do, don't you?

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'If I wanted to win I either taught myself Chopin to concert standard,

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'or did a bit of cheating.'

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There we go. How easy was that?

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One Chopin piece recorded, one contract signed.

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"I, Misri Chatterji, in return for the Revengers

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"buying a chocolate fountain for my useless brother,

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"do hereby promise not to be as good as Alistair tomorrow. Signed Misri."

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KNOCKING

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-Alistair it's Pamela. Can I come in?

-Quick, behind the curtains!

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-Hello, Pamela. I didn't see you there.

-So it WAS you playing.

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I thought you were lying when you said you could play Chopin.

0:20:000:20:04

I wouldn't lie to you.

0:20:040:20:06

No. See you tomorrow.

0:20:060:20:08

She thinks you're telling the truth!

0:20:080:20:11

So, who cares if the Chopin was played by Misri,

0:20:110:20:15

so long as my stupid brother and sister are forced to admit

0:20:150:20:18

that I'm better at music than they are!

0:20:180:20:21

Oh, Misri!

0:20:210:20:23

Where's he gone?

0:20:240:20:26

Oh, dear.

0:20:290:20:30

SIREN BLARES

0:20:300:20:33

Alistair Fury!

0:20:370:20:39

You break my son's arm.

0:20:390:20:41

I'm coming to get you!

0:20:410:20:43

Aggh!

0:20:450:20:47

-Bodyguard?

-Bodyguard?

0:20:490:20:51

Yeah, wear sunglasses to look hard and bring a rounders bat.

0:20:510:20:55

When are we going to get time to play rounders?

0:20:550:20:58

-For protection!

-Oh!

0:20:580:21:01

APPLAUSE

0:21:010:21:02

SHOULDER CRUNCHING AUDIENCE GASPS

0:21:020:21:05

-Am I late?

-You've not missed much.

0:21:060:21:08

Sanjay's just finished doing that thing with his shoulder.

0:21:080:21:11

GIRL RETCHES

0:21:110:21:13

And Pamela's just started her tortured poetry.

0:21:130:21:17

-This poem is called... Black.

-That's not a rounders bat.

0:21:170:21:20

It was either this or a ping-pong ball. Where is Alistair?

0:21:200:21:24

Behind the curtain. Revenging.

0:21:240:21:27

Despair, despair, despair!

0:21:280:21:31

APPLAUSE

0:21:440:21:48

Right, come along then.

0:21:580:21:59

We're late already!

0:21:590:22:01

According to Alistair's map, it should be over that hill.

0:22:010:22:04

That map's had us going round in circles for the last hour!

0:22:040:22:08

And you don't seriously expect me

0:22:080:22:10

to climb THAT gate in THIS outfit, do you?!

0:22:100:22:12

If you want to make it to the talent contest, yes. I'd offer to carry you

0:22:120:22:16

but in case you hadn't noticed I'm in a wheelbarrow.

0:22:160:22:19

Well, call the limo back then.

0:22:190:22:21

I can't, we only had enough money for a one-way journey.

0:22:210:22:24

Knew I should have whined more.

0:22:240:22:27

Well, come along then.

0:22:270:22:29

The public is waiting!

0:22:290:22:31

Erm, look if I carry the cake, you wouldn't give us a push would you?

0:22:380:22:42

And now we have two new entrants to The M Factor,

0:22:430:22:47

doing something special, which is why it's hidden behind a curtain.

0:22:470:22:51

With a new kind of music called, Thrash Punk Noise,

0:22:510:22:55

it's Mel and William Fury!

0:22:550:22:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:580:23:03

AUDIENCE HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER

0:23:100:23:14

SQUEALING DISCORDANT GUITAR

0:23:210:23:25

GUITAR "WHINNIES"

0:23:270:23:28

INSTRUMENTS PLAY ANIMAL NOISES

0:23:280:23:30

DRUMS GROWL AND QUACK

0:23:300:23:33

MOOING

0:23:380:23:40

GIGGLING

0:23:400:23:42

Wait a minute. No, no, no, we should be over here...

0:23:460:23:49

MRS MUTLEY TRILLS

0:23:580:24:02

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:020:24:04

Mwah.

0:24:060:24:08

It looks like our celebrity judge couldn't be bothered to turn up,

0:24:080:24:12

so I shall be awarding the music prize today.

0:24:120:24:16

We won't beat Alice unless Mum judges.

0:24:160:24:18

-Mrs Mutley loves him too much.

-She's still not answering.

0:24:180:24:21

No signal!

0:24:280:24:29

And now, saving the best till last, here's our final contestant,

0:24:290:24:33

Alistair Fury!

0:24:330:24:35

APPLAUSE

0:24:350:24:40

RECORDING OF MISRI PLAYS

0:24:410:24:46

Thank you.

0:24:540:24:56

Nice man, huh, giving us a lift like that.

0:24:560:24:59

Taking pity on me because I'm in a wheelbarrow.

0:24:590:25:01

Bye-bye, Bubba.

0:25:010:25:03

Are you not going to give us a push?!

0:25:030:25:06

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:25:130:25:17

Oh...

0:25:210:25:23

he's my little Chopin now!

0:25:230:25:26

-RECORDING:

-'One Chopin piece recorded.'

0:25:260:25:28

Well, I have no hesitation in saying that the winner

0:25:280:25:31

of this year's music prize,

0:25:310:25:34

joining Pamela Whitby...

0:25:340:25:35

and Sanjay Chatterji...

0:25:360:25:39

Oof, oof, that's my boy! That's my boy!

0:25:390:25:43

as M Factor champions,

0:25:430:25:45

is...Alistair Fury!

0:25:450:25:48

-We've been stitched up!

-Yes!

0:25:480:25:51

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:510:25:53

-RECORDING:

-'She thinks you're telling the truth!

-So.

0:25:530:25:56

'Who cares if the Chopin was played by Misri so long as my stupid

0:25:560:26:00

'brother and sister are forced to admit

0:26:000:26:02

'I'm better at music than they are!'

0:26:020:26:04

Treachery! My Misri was robbed of his crown by a cheat and a liar!

0:26:040:26:10

-Do you want to take him on?

-No thanks.

0:26:100:26:13

-MUM:

-Alistair!

0:26:130:26:16

Pamela. No. It was an accident! I didn't mean to lie.

0:26:180:26:22

It's time to face the music! Get the door.

0:26:220:26:24

Come here.

0:26:240:26:26

Wait till I get my hands on you, you little liar.

0:26:260:26:30

Argh!

0:26:300:26:32

Ooof! Ow!

0:26:330:26:35

-MUM:

-My cake!

0:26:350:26:37

My CAKE! Oh...!

0:26:370:26:39

Well, you win some, you lose some, Revengers, and I've lost Pamela.

0:26:400:26:46

But, on the upside, Mel and Will never want to play music again,

0:26:460:26:51

mum's had enough of the local photographers...

0:26:510:26:54

and Dad's happy, because when he fell out of the wheelbarrow,

0:26:540:26:58

he broke his leg and he's got six weeks off work.

0:26:580:27:01

There's only one problem...

0:27:010:27:03

how am I going to get past him on Monday morning?

0:27:060:27:09

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

0:27:250:27:28

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:280:27:32

What are you looking at?

0:27:420:27:44

Alistair is on tenterhooks waiting for Mrs Muttley's talent contest to arrive. If his piano-playing carries off the music prize, he might win a date with the lovely Pamela Whitby. Unable to accept that their little brother is better than them at music, Mel and Will invent a new sound, Thrash Punk Noise. They tell Alistair that Pamela won't like him if he plays the piano, because piano-playing is for girls. Alistair is devastated.


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