Alice in the Middle The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury

You got a D minus?!

I just can't believe it, Will.

Perfect. Will's finally gone off the rails and at exactly the right time.

Yeaaaahhhhh!

You were supposed to be the future of this family, our best hope.

My designated Number One Son.

Right well this is the Number One Son charter which states that you,

William Fury, in return for my designating you Number One Son,

thereby guaranteeing, that 1) you always get the most expensive

Christmas present every year,

2) you never have to take the bins out ever again,

3) get £5 in cash every Saturday, do promise to become

the next Richard Branson and Alan Sugar rolled into one,

allowing me to retire at the age of 50, at the latest,

after which you shall keep both myself and your mum

in the manner to which we so desperately want

to become accustomed. Deal?

I've just had the school on the phone.

They said William's daydreaming, moody, handing in shoddy homework.

They wanted to know about problems at home.

Yes, well, let's not open that can of worms.

Actually, no, yes, let's, why don't we?

Would you mind telling me exactly

why you are wearing a wetsuit in the kitchen?

I'm road testing all the sports equipment sold at the leisure centre.

Oh. So not just another excuse to skive off work, then?

Not at all, it's very taxing, actually.

Well, you have seemed a bit distant lately.

It's ever since you started working in that new TV programme.

Maybe if you more time at home

and less swapping bad advice with your showbiz chums.

This is nothing to do with my job, Sean!

He doesn't need his nappy changing any more!

You need to pull your socks up!

-One slacker in this family is quite enough.

-Oi!

Oh, you meant Alistair. That's OK, then.

Tres bien, Tommy, bon travail, Bridget, magnifique Megan.

Atrocious, Alistair. Why can't you be brilliant like your brother?

-We're having a test after break.

-FLIES BUZZ

Why don't I just give you

a blank sheet of paper now

with 'D minus' on it and you can fill in the usual rubbish later!

What exactly does go on inside that empty little head of yours?

ALISTAIR LAUGHS

Will, I just bumped into one of your mates, is it true, you got D minus?

-Hiya.

-One word from you and I will squish you like a frog!

It's his French test.

I don't believe it! A plus.

I'm so proud of you, Alistair.

An A plus in French!

-C'est remarquable, eh, Dad?

-Would you listen to that!

You could be President of France one day!

But only if you keep practising.

You could be our new best hope for the future.

Are we talking a new Number One Son, Dad?

Could be. Someone's got to look after me when I'm middle-aged.

Fellow Revengers, this is it.

I've never have a better chance to take my rightful place

as the family's Number One Son!

Oh, please! Is everybody stupid?

We all know the little rat hates French.

-If he got A plus, it's cos he cheated.

-Sacred Blue!

Melanie est le bonkers in le head!

Le mouse grande!

SCREAMING

Silence! Silence! Asseyez-vous!

Asseyez-vous, mademoiselle. Bridget! Asseyez-vous!

Sorry, le false alarm.

Before we get on with establishing me as Number One Son,

Mel definitely requires immediate revenge for calling me a rat...

We all know the little rat hates French.

..and trying to get me into trouble.

We think that in celebration of your magnifique achievement in the test,

French-based revenge would be appropriate.

We've got a short list of two. First, snail earrings.

URGH!

Garlic feet! We get hold of all Mel's shoes

and stick garlic in them. She'll stink and she won't know why!

We have a winner! The perfect level green revenge.

Fellow Revengers, to make us more efficient,

we brought in a colour-coding system for our revenges,

that is both clear and simple.

Is it the right way up?

Garlic feet revenge is at least a level blue.

What are you talking about! Level green is higher than level blue.

Only on Thursdays. Let's make it a level purple -

-higher than green and blue.

-Where did purple come from?

-Purple's just below black.

-No black's just above grey.

Why don't we name them after types of cars instead?

'Good evening and welcome to "Ask The Not Quite An Expert"

'where our panel will prove that a little knowledge is dangerous.'

Can you smell garlic?

-No!

-Je swiss tray looking forward to la seeing Mum on la telly.

Keep up the French and who knows what honours I might bestow on you.

'Our first caller tonight has a question for Tara.'

'That's 'Doctor' Tara.'

'My 11 year old is driving me round the bend. What do you suggest I do?'

'This is a common problem and there are lots of answers.

'But whichever one you decide to go with, the most important thing

'is to never lose your temper.'

'As it says in my book, "Raising Kids The Dr Tara Way",

'shouting at your children

is the last resort of a failed parent. Wouldn't you agree, Celia?'

Oh, absolutely, Tara, I never ever shout at my children.

Did my mother really say she never shouts?

ALISTAIR! ALISTAIR!

ALISTAIR!

ALISTAIR!

Now it's time to proceed with my quest

to completely replace Will as Number One Son.

Behold.

Blender splender!

A definite Rolls Royce of a revenge.

-What are you doing, Alis?

-Just making Mum a delicious smoothie,

just another step on the way to me becoming Number One Son around here.

Thanks for the idea, you little rat boy!

Oh, no! I was going to do that for Mum, you total rotter!

Argh! What have you done?

-I put a note on the blender saying it was broken!

-Have it!

What is wrong with you?

Ohh. We have to do something about this, Sean.

I'm going to ask 'Dr' Tara to come around

and find out what is wrong with you.

I think your brother's permanently lost it.

I'm going to have to rewrite the Number One Son charter.

You're my best hope for early retirement now, Number One Son!

Yes! This is the greatest day in the history of the universe!

At long last, I've made it!

Most expensive Christmas pressie, no more taking the rubbish out

and a fiver every Saturday!

There's that smell of garlic again.

It's getting stronger.

-Dad, this is Phil.

-Nice to meet you.

PHIL SNEEZES

-Sorry about that, my nose is blocked.

-Not any more.

PHIL COUGHS

HE STARTS CHOKING

Need...fresh...air!

-Where did you find him?

-I went to the school nurse because people kept

saying I smell, which I don't, and he was there coughing up a lung.

It was so romantic. I love the way he's ill all the time -

-brings out the mothering instinct in me.

-Aww.

I'll just wash my hands.

Mel, can I have your advice?

Is it about the fact that you fancy 'Dr' Tara like mad

and don't know how to act when she comes over?

How did you know I fancy her?

Apart from you virtually licking the TV screen

when she's on, you have the attention span of a worm

and you're moodier than Dad at the end of a bank holiday.

It's how I feel when I get a new boyfriend.

-Can you smell garlic?

-I'm getting sick of people asking me that!

-Wow, Dad, you look great!

-In French. You can't practice too much

if you're to be President of France.

Er, wow! Mon Dad, vous look magnificent!

Just brilliant! It's Saturday, and you know what that means.

-Oui.

-That's right, it is your very first Saturday fiver,

so spend it wisely.

-Shhhhhh!

-Oh, sorry.

Is 'Dr' Tara still with him?

Oh, Yes. You can't rush an almost-professional.

And what do you see here?

-The moon.

-And this one?

The stars.

I think it's pretty clear what's wrong with you, young man.

Is it?

He's got Middle Child Syndrome.

Yes! In your face. Who's the daddy, who's the daddy?

What's Middle Child Syndrome?

It's when the middle child feels unloved because

attention is focused on the youngest family member.

It's all here in my book. As you'll see in chapter three,

if Will is lavished with love and affection, then he'll soon

-be back to his usual genius self.

-It's all my fault!

I've neglected you, son!

Well, no more!

There you go, welcome back, true Number One Son!

Mon Dad! Ici not le fair!

I'm sorry, Alistair, but I was hasty in turning my back on Will.

Your French is impressive, but it might be just a flash in the pan.

Will has got the true, strong, academic record

and you heard what 'Dr' Tara said,

a bit of care and attention, he'll be back to his old self!

I'm to blame, too.

No, no, no, as you'll see in chapter six, there's only one person

responsible for this situation. Alistair!

If the youngest sibling

hadn't come along, then Will wouldn't be the middle child.

Now I'm being blamed for being born!

Oh, William, you poor little brother!

Stop! I'm the one neglected and unloved all these years! Me!

It's OK. That's the typical reaction of the over-pampered baby.

From now on, Alistair will be the middle child

and Will the baby. Alistair will be fine

as soon as he's adjusted to being lower down the pecking order.

Lower!? You can't get any lower than me.

The dog's treated better than me and he wees on the floor!

In fact, I'm so low the dog wees on me!

Don't worry, I'm going to stick around to help you through this.

This would make the perfect case study for next weeks programme.

You want to talk about us, on your show?

As professional broadcasters, we have a duty to the viewer

to be upfront about our own problems. Don't you?

I suppose.

Do not fear fellow Revengers,

tomorrow I will be revenged on 'Dr' Tara!!

Sean. Do you have to wear that today? It is Sunday!

You know me, I don't slack off just cos it's the weekend.

Excuse me, Sean, would you mind moving your car on the road

and parking mine on the drive?

I don't want to risk passing prams flicking mud onto Bunty

or any heavy seeds falling from a tree and dimpling her paintwork.

-You call your car Bunty?

-It was my mother's name.

-Come in.

-Thank you.

You'll have to do better than that, Alistair!

-Curses!

-Will is going to be fine as long as you lavish him

with lots of attention.

But I'm afraid your real problem might be Alistair.

Now I'm going to show you some pictures of what

he could look like when he's 40 unless we keep a close eye on him.

-Oh!

-I know, it's shocking, isn't it?

-I'll say!

-Oh, I'm sorry, they're my safari holiday snaps.

Here we go.

CELIA GASPS

What's this at the bottom of the picture?

That's his prison number.

You've every right to be shocked this time, cos prison

is a real possibility for Alistair at the moment.

Am I really that bad as a parent?

Not bad as such, just a bit neglectful,

but then not everyone could be as intuitive about children as I am.

Chin up, Celia, 'Dr' Tara's here to teach you how to parent properly.

Melanie, have you had a shower today?

- Yes. - Could you have another one?

If I find out this had anything to do with you...

Excuse me, Melanie, hygiene is a personal problem.

Now in order to take as much pressure off Will as possible,

I've drawn up a rota of the household chores.

The washing up, taking out the bins,

cleaning out the cat litter tray etc, etc, etc. So...

Monday, Alistair.

Tuesday, Alistair.

Wednesday, Alistair.

Thursday, Alistair.

Friday, Alistair.

-Saturday, Alistair and Sunday,

-EVERYONE: Alistair!

-Yes.

-So I do everything?

Don't take it personally. This is a Tough Love Programme

designed to help you find your proper place in the family.

LAUGHTER ON TV

OK, I've cleaned the toilets, cleaned all the downstairs windows,

scrubbed the oven, vacuumed the carpets. I need to rest.

Ahhh, ahhh!

OK, you've seen what's happened there.

-What do think you need to do next?

-ALISTAIR GROANS

-Send Will to his room?

-Wrong, wrong, wrong!

You must pay more attention if you want to be a better parent.

If you'd read my book properly, you'd realise that Will punching

Alistair is a cry for attention. You need to answer that cry.

-Well done, Will?

-Good, Sean.

-Celia?

-Stop aggravating your brother, Alistair!

No! Read chapter seven. Beware the anger tone.

Shouting is the last resort of the totally failed parent.

Tell him to sit on the bottom step and reflect on what he did.

What she just said.

I've just been punched!

What happens if he throws me under a bus, I get grounded for a year?

I need a hug.

Of course you do.

We have got to revenge 'Dr' Tara!

She's all the bad bits of my family rolled into one!

I don't care if we call it Ferrari revenge, Rolls Royce revenge

-or a black revenge with pink spots!

-We've tried!

She's as indestructible as a dalek!

Amateurs!

Maybe we've met our match.

No! Even daleks have a weak spot!

There's got to be something! See ya.

See ya.

CAR: Oi, step away from the car! Oi, step away from the car!

No, no, no! You're far too close to her with that sticky lolly!

Move away, please!

Yes, fellow Revengers!

Your glorious leader has discovered 'Dr' Tara's weakness!

And she will pay the price for her meddling as soon as Will

gets what's coming to him for that dead leg!

Oh, have you come to help me?

Don't be ridiculous, Number One Sons don't touch rubbish, remember?

What's happened to the cool-looking photo of me on my bedside table.

-Oh, so that's what Tara was doing in your room.

-Tara was in my room?

Yeah, when I walked past, she was talking saying,

"Wow! This is where Will sleeps.

"What a grown-up, lovely-smelling, manly room!"

-She said I was manly and grown up?

-And handsome, intelligent and suede.

-You mean suave.

-Do I? Oh, yeah.

Then she slipped the photo into her jacket pocket.

She must really fancy you!

Your boyfriend's here.

Well, tell him to come in!

Whoa!

You look amazing! What's happened to your sinuses?

The doctor reckons I must have been exposed

to a strong smell and it's blown away the blockage.

Don't know what it was, but I feel great.

HE INHALES

Phwoar! What is that stink?

HE SNIFFS

Whoa!

My mates told me you stunk like a garlic factory and they were right.

I might have been Ill Phil, but you're Smelly Melly.

I can't go out with you, I've got my image to think of.

You can't dump me!

Look, if my sinuses flare up again, I'll give you a ring.

Result!

Hello, Melanie.

I hate this house!

Just smell me! If you spent less time on your precious career

and more time cleaning this place, I wouldn't smell

like a French dustbin right now! Look at this! Filth!

Some of us have rather too much work to do, Melanie,

than flit around with a feather duster.

Oh, you mustn't tell Tara. No, you can't.

I can't have her ruining my career on that show next week.

Have you got any idea how much pressure I'm under?

I think you should see this, Celia, a rather suggestive text from Will.

She must really fancy you!

What sort of boy have I raised?

William! You get yourself in here right now!!

-Yeah?

-What do you mean by sending this!

What are you trying to do to me?

TARA TUTS

Shouting is the last resort of a failed parent.

No wonder poor Will is so confused.

Last resort?

LAST RESORT?!

Well, here I am, why can't I stop shouting now, so-called 'Dr' Tara?

Hmmmm? Why can't I stop shouting now?

FENCE DOOR OPENS

Yes?

We're Alistair's friends.

We just wanted to say sorry for trying to squirt you.

-We didn't want to do it, Alistair made us.

-I thought as much.

-He displays classic signs of being a manipulator.

-This is for you.

Only don't let Alistair see it, he'll be mad at us.

I'll put it in my car.

That'll be best.

Now, Alistair, your mother is having a lie down for a couple of days

so I shall use that time to teach you how to behave properly.

Every time you're a good little boy,

your rocket will move closer to the moon.

But if you're a bad little boy, the rocket will plummet back to Earth.

You mean crash and kill everyone on board?

You really are a disturbed little boy, aren't you?

Me? Disturbed?

She calls her car Bunty!

Alistair, the rocket going up...

CAR ALARM 'Oi, step away from the car!

-'Oi, step away from the car.'

-Mummy's coming, baby!

-YES!

'Oi, step away from the car!'

Oh, no! My beautiful Bunty!

The moths are eating your seats.

Oh dear, how could that have happened?

It was you, you revolting little boy!

Why, I could...

Tut, tut, Tara.

Isn't shouting the last resort of a failed child expert?

Arghh!

Well, little brothers, that has to be one of the best revenges ever.

Not only has 'Dr' Tara had to leave because she's a total failure,

Will's crying in the garden shed because he found out

Tara didn't actually fancy him!

And I am back in with a chance to become Number One Son!

Well, I've seen a full report of what you did

to 'Dr' Tara, Alistair...

..and I've only got one thing to say to you.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Don't you see? This means I'm not a complete failure as a parent,

-you are such a horror you can make anyone shout at you!

-Thanks.

-What on earth have you come as now?

-I've tested the men's stuff,

so I'm starting on the women's. It's that or go back to work.

Anyway, myself and your father have been talking about

how we can reward you for getting rid of 'Dr' Tara.

We've decided to give you something you obviously really, really want.

-Say it!

-Well, now we know how much you love speaking French,

we've booked you extra French lessons with Miss Bird!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

I know you cheated in the test, Alistair,

there's no way you could have got an A plus.

Now fate has given me the chance to pay you back.

You will sing Frere Jacques 1,000 times, standing on your head! Begin!

# Frere Jacques, frere Jacques... #