Crazy Like a Frog The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury

Here, fellow Revengers. They say that I'm crazy like a frog.

RIBBIT! But I'm not.

They say my Revenges are proof that I'm crazy,

that no-one sane would paint a false door on a wall.

So when their big brother ran to the loo,

he met with an unfortunate accident.

-Ow!

-Aaargh!

-Only a fool would put green tea

-into their sister's shampoo bottle.

-Are you crazy, Alistair?!

Look what you've done to your brother and sister!

This time, you've gone too far.

Public humiliation's the only way to stop you.

-We're telling everyone what you did!

-Starting with Miss Bird!

And after her...Pamela!

Not Pamela! No! She's going to Ralph's birthday party with me.

# Oh, get her, get him Getting even ain't a sin

# Sister Mel and brother Will Make them take a bitter pill

-# Serve it up lukewarm

-Lukewarm

-# It's the storm before the storm

-The storm

# Oh, look out world Your sandwich is cool

# Your tea's gone cold And now you're getting old

# You know the boy with the camera He's gonna scam ya

# Harder than Stonehenge It's gonna be a right revenge! #

That is why I'm spending my lunch time here, in Miss Bird's classroom,

to try and stop them saying nasty things about me.

No sign of the traitors yet. DOOR OPENS

-Hang on!

-It comes as no surprise, Melanie, dear.

Crazy is as crazy does. Such a shame

that Alistair is not like you, William.

When you were at this school you were always so clever.

-"Were", Miss Bird?

-Are! Still are.

Oh, William, you tease me!

So, we're agreed then, next week I shall hand over my class

to you for the inaugural Miss Bird Old Pupil's Lecture.

-And you don't care what we talk about?

-You can talk about anything,

so long as I get a free lesson and you do all the work.

So if we were to bring slides in of...

Alistair naked in the bath, you'd be happy with that?

Delighted. I think an element of humiliation through humour

is always essential on these occasions.

-KNOCKING

-Come!

'Oh, no! It's the lovely Pamela Whitby.'

-May I have a word?

-What is it, Pamela?

Well, Miss, Alistair Fury copied my English test last week.

Oh!

I know. That's why I deliberately put in mistakes,

so that his wickedness would not be rewarded.

-That's why I did so badly!

-Alistair Fury!

How many times have I told you about spying with that webcam?

You may spend the rest of the lunch-break in the Dog House.

More tea?

SLURP!

Mum, can I talk to you about a very delicate and personal matter?

If you were Pamela and had been told I was "crazy like a frog"...?

You looked like a frog when you were born, Alistair.

It's just a saying. If you were her and had been told that,

would you go out with me to Ralph's party?

Right. Thanks(!) RIBBIT!

Scaring the children, again, Celia?

-Oh, I'm fed up.

-Well, whatever it is

the answer's not at the bottom of a bowl of sherry trifle.

Oooh! I think I've got a tapeworm. I'm starving!

Oh, don't bother reading it. It's another publisher's rejection.

Nobody wants my latest book.

-I said you should have quit while you were ahead.

-You did not!

You had already done The Art Of Roasting and The Art Of Boiling

The Art Of Frying, The Art Of Grilling,

The Art Of Microwaving, and The Art Of Washing-Up.

Nobody was ever going to want The Art Of Wiping Down Kitchen Surfaces.

Thanks(!)

Mm!

Look, I got you a present.

You didn't buy it. They're giving them away free at the garage!

It's the thought that counts. And the thought was

that I could hypnotise you into believing you're Nigella Lawson.

Oh...you mean improve my cooking and become a successful TV chef?

I didn't say that.

Besides, it's simply not possible to improve on Tortoise Tail Pie.

-You didn't like it?

-It tasted like chewing on Mr E's dog blanket.

OK. If you think you're so perfect, I've got a present for you.

I'm going to hypnotise you into not sleeping

when there's housework to be done!

-You think I'm lazy?

-You're hibernating!

Is it possible to get a tapeworm with hollow legs?

Can you, eh...

pass the trifle, please, Mum?

GLASS SHATTERS

-Alistair! I was looking for you.

-Hi...

-Hi.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

I don't know what you're saying.

Anyway, I've just coming to give you this.

It's from my dad.

Shall I read it?

"Dear Alistair, you copying my daughter's English test

"has caused her much distress through lost marks.

"Pamela is very precious to me.

"If I have to keep you away from her,

"by calling the police or infecting you with smallpox, I will.

"Best wishes, Dr Whitby."

Wh-Wh-Wh...? You...

Alistair, stop! This whole speech thing is just not working.

It's exactly like your brother and sister said -

you are crazy like a frog and I'm finding it just a little bit scary.

So I won't be going with you to Ralph's party. I'm sorry.

It's cos I look like a frog, isn't it?

OK, Sean.

You cannot resist...

the Romanian Stare.

You will stop hanging around in that pan

like a lump of meat and be busy instead.

Are you listening to me?

Look into my eyes and...

Which end are the eyes in?

-EASTERN BLOC ACCENT:

-You cannot resist the Romanian Stare, Celia!

You will become a better cook.

You will become a better cook!

This is all Will and Mel's fault.

They've turned Pamela against me just cos of a broken nose and green hair.

I heard Miss Bird's started an annual lecture for old pupils,

just so that they can make fun of you in front of the whole class!

With pictures of you naked in the bath. By the way, you can relax...

Mum's found that banana cake I like.

Oh, that's a whole weight off my mind(!)

It'll be my best birthday party ever!

-Better than last year?

-What was wrong with last year?

Your dad said he was booking David Blaine, but we got your dad instead.

He was very good as Ming The Marvellous.

Anyway, this year he's hired the best hypnotist in the world.

You don't believe me, do you?

Look, if Mel and Will are going to tell everyone you're crazy,

you've just got to tell everyone you're not!

I've already tried that, but people say,

-"You're saying that cos you're crazy!"

-That's what to do, then.

-What?

-If nobody believes you, because they all think you're crazy,

cos Mel and Will told them so, you have to make Mel and Will crazy.

Then nobody will believe Mel and Will,

including the bit about you being crazy.

-So folk won't think I'm crazy?

-I think so.

KNOCKING

-Hello? Who's in there?

-It's Mr Labinjo!

It's Mr Labinjo!

If I could come out I would, but I'm...currified!

-THEY LAUGH

-What was that?

-FEMALE VOICE:

-How dare you listening to my windypops!

-Go away!

-I wasn't, Miss Bird. Honestly, I wasn't.

OK, so Aaron's in charge of this Revenge,

cos he's the only one who understands what we're planning.

I hope this is going to work, Aaron, I'm a busy man with a party to plan.

All we're going to do is send Mel and Will crazy

so that people won't believe them when they say bad things about Al.

-WATER SPLASHES

-Look! She's running the bath now!

-OK, Alistair. Take it away!

-HE HUMS FANFARE

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for the revenge-meister himself - it's Dr Revenge!

THEY CHEER Fellow Revengers,

watching at home on Revenge Cam, we are gathered today to take part in...

Operation Make Mel And Will Crazy So No-One Will Believe A Word They Say,

Especially When They Give Their Stupid Lecture To The Class.

Part one, the disappearing bath. Director, Aaron Pryce.

WATER SPLASHES

Hello, Mr Fury. We just need the loo.

Or rather, Ralph does and he was scared of going on his own.

I like this wallpaper very much.

TOILET FLUSHES

We are just going to go...

I just need the loo again, Mr Fury.

It's nothing to cry about, Mr Fury. Ralph's always had a weak bladder.

GURGLING

-I haven't blinked in eight minutes.

-That's impressive.

DOOR OPENS

What?

Something weird's going on.

Have you just taken the plug out of my bath?

No. I've been asleep.

I think... I think I may have hypnotised myself.

-Are you up to something?

-No. It's just me reading a book.

-Oops!

-Hm.

Have it!

Operation Make Mel And Will Crazy Like A Frog.

Part two, the disappearing cat. Director - Aaron Pryce!

Forget the tapeworm, I've got tape-snake.

MIAOW!

Tasty!

-It's not working.

-It's been a complete waste of time.

-I could've been at home feeling my presents.

-I haven't finished yet.

I'll hit them with the Three Signs Of Craziness routine.

You know, the first sign is meeting a man in a wig.

Hello! And the second sign is being spoken to by a man with two heads.

-And the third sign is discovering you've got hairy palms.

-Eurgh!

I've got a better idea!

-Hypnotism?

-Yep.

We'll bend their minds into doing whatever we tell them to.

-Does it work?

-Of course it does.

As you would have known if you'd been watching the webcam earlier.

And that's all there is to it, fellow Revengers.

Once you've fixed them with the Romanian Stare,

you can make them to do anything you want!

To prove it, here are a few of victims I hypnotised earlier.

Good dog! WOOF!

Good cat! MIAOW!

Operation Make Mel And Will Crazy Like A Frog.

Part three, the hypnotism. Director, Alistair Fury.

HOWLING

Oh, Melanie!

Oh, William!

You cannot resist the Romanian Stare!

PHONE RINGS

-Huh?

-The deed is done!

-What time is it?

-Both hypnotised and both in my power!

And both as crazy as a frog?

Actually, in the excitement of the moment I sort of forgot to do that.

So what did you do, then?

I couldn't resist it.

I made them my slaves!

Oh, trust you to hypnotise yourself sleepier than you already were.

-Is it late or something?

-It's only 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

-Oh.

-DISTANT HUM

-What's that noise?

-Vacuuming.

-Is it?

-Melanie's been cleaning Alistair's bedroom all day.

-What!?

Excuse me. Alistair's freshly ironed underpants coming through.

PARTY HORN TOOTS

That's too near so...

you'll have to move away, Alistair.

And that's as close as you can get.

I was actually hoping, if I promised to be good,

I could watch the hypnotist with you.

No, Alistair. Dad thinks you're a bad influence.

I've to keep at least two metres away from you at all times.

Useless! I've just found out why they're giving this book away free.

The page on how to bring someone out of a trance is missing.

I knew that would be too easy.

OK, Sean, open your eyes.

Can you hear me? We're going to try the Romanian Stare.

-EASTERN BLOC ACCENT:

-You cannot resist the Romanian Stare!

-Oh, that's scary.

-Concentrate, Sean!

I want you to imagine yourself as a lively animal,

-full of vim and vigour.

-Like a dear little dormouse?

I can do that, Celia.

-Watch.

-SQUEAKING:

-Ooh, can I have some cheese?

You're not taking this seriously, Sean.

-I order you to become a cheetah or a dog.

-Like Mr E?

-MIAOW!

-No. No, not like Mr E.

-Like a greyhound.

-Right, got you, a greyhound.

-Yes!

-A fast greyhound?

-Yes!

-Who's really tired?

-No!

-After a really long race?

-No!

-Hey-up! Bring me some rabbits.

Sean, stop impersonating animals that go to sleep!

What about a hedgehog?

Is a hedgehog lively?

Not if it's sleeping!

-SQUEAKING:

-Ooh, I'm a sleepy hedgehog,

all tired after dodging cars on the motorway.

-How's the slaves?

-I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

It's the best Revenge I've ever done!

This morning,

I made William polish each of my cornflakes individually.

Have you seen Alistair's trainers?

They are by the back door.

-What's he doing?

-He's just been de-spidering Alistair's bedroom.

You do the left, I'll do the right.

PHONE RINGS

Yes. Hello, Master. Just cleaning your trainers now.

You'd like us to do what to Miss Bird?

Treat her to a chimpanzee's tea party?

Bye, slaves. Got to go!

CHEERING

You can stop giving Alistair a big round of applause now!

I'm not sure I want to do this, Reverend Ming.

It's the Heavenly Hypnotist. Nobody's spotted it's me yet.

-Alastair! Alistair...

-You'll make me do stupid things to embarrass me.

-Dad wouldn't do that!

-I am not Dad.

-I am the Heavenly Hypnotist!

-ALL:

-Hypnotise! Hypnotise!

AUDIENCE STOP CHANTING

You cannot resist the Romanian Stare.

You cannot resist the Romanian Stare.

Well, this is an unexpected surprise.

Everything's ready for your old pupils' lecture, I trust?

I'm so looking forward to it.

I don't mean to pry, Melanie, dear, but is everything OK?

William has not eaten one of my delicious buns.

I could not resist the Romanian Stare!

And you, Mel, you haven't touched that tea. It must be stone cold.

That's just the way I like it, Miss Bird.

Come along, William. Time to spend all our pocket money

on 300 bags of sweets for Alistair.

Result!

Right! Who wants to give him something else to do?

You're a tree frog!

RIBBIT! LAUGHTER

You're a tree frog who's scared of...

-RIBBIT!

-..flowers! Flowers!

-Aargh!

Give the girl you love a kiss!

Pamela Whitby's the girl that I love!

I knew he'd say that. It's not funny!

CHILDREN LAUGH, CHATTER

Alistair! Alistair!

Come here!

-Alistair!

-Pamela!

-Alistair, I order you to stop!

-HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS

What's wrong with my fingers? Don't worry,

everything's under control! Alistair, wake up!

-Oh, give me the flowers. Get back!

-Aargh! Aargh!

So are you certain nothing happened to me

-while I was hypnotised?

-Mm...nothing.

Dad got you to recite your alphabet backwards. Tame stuff.

-So nothing stupid or embarrassing in front of Pamela?

-No, no!

Absolutely not. So, are you planning to keep Will and Mel

-as slaves forever?

-Why?

-We thought we could borrow them.

I can't take them out of their trance cos that page is missing

from the book. Yes! You should have seen them this morning.

It's like I'm suddenly the oldest in the family! They do anything I say!

-That piece of bacon. Did it come from a pig?

-Yes.

-Show me a pig.

WILL SNORTS

Melanie! My bathwater needs testing!

Too cold. Run it again. SNORTING

Melanie...pour it over your head!

Now what do you say?

-Thank you for putting up with me, Master.

-Think yourself lucky. Go!

Itch! William! Big toe.

Now warm the loo seat. I might need it in a minute!

If it's that easy why don't you just hypnotise Miss Bird

-to pay her back for putting you in the kennel?

-That's what we're doing.

-How's that going to work then?

-Well, it starts here

when she comes in, and opens the door

which tweaks the string and makes the nut basket swing in the cubicle.

And that's what puts her to sleep. And at the same time,

this other piece of string starts the message

on the waterproofed tape recorder hidden in the cistern.

-Clever! And that says?

-"Look deeply into the nut basket.

"From now on, every man you see outside the window of your classroom

"will be Tom Cruise. You'll hop out the window to get him!"

KNOCKING

-Is that you, Miss Bird?

-WOMAN'S VOICE:

-Sorry, Mr Labinjo!

-Currified again!

-Would you like me to fetch the nurse, Miss Bird?

No! You're shredding my nerves with your constant interruptions!

-You're just making the problem worse.

-Oh! I'm so sorry!

Oh, Miss Bird! I thought you were...currified.

What on earth do you mean, Mr Labinjo?

-Are you still listening, you naughty man?

-Who's in there?

Is that you, Alistair Fury?

No, it's Mr Quinnell. Football coach, Miss Bird.

Just give me a moment while I pump up my balls.

-Come on!

-Hi-yah!

FAINT RECORDING PLAYS

-Alistair Fury?

-'Look deeply into the nut basket.

'From now on, every man you see outside the window of your classroom

'will be Tom Cruise. You will...'

Hop out the window to get him.

The turning point for us

was when Mel poured the water over her head, cos that broke the trance.

-Although we didn't tell Alistair, did we?

-No.

That would have spoiled the fun. LAUGHTER

-We did tell Miss Bird, though.

-We didn't want her thinking

it was our idea to pour cold tea over her head.

She was out to get even with Alistair.

But what she didn't know is what Alistair had planned for her.

-No. I shan't be watching Tom Cruise films again in a hurry!

LAUGHTER

-And it was your idea for us to tell this story?

-Oh, yes.

It's not just you who loves revenge, Alistair!

OK, so back to the best bit of the story.

The next morning, Alistair proved he WAS crazy like a frog,

when a bunch of flowers kick-started his trance.

-Has anyone seen Mr E?

-Not since he was chased by that Chihuahua.

Aargh!

-'And he thought he was a tree frog!'

-RIBBIT! RIBBIT!

Aaargh!

-What is it?

-Aargh!

-Wake up, Sean!

-MIXERS WHIRR

SEAN!

SEAN!

-Mrs Fury?

-Yes?

-Is this your cat?

-Yes.

Only it just bit the postman and cocked its leg on my trousers!

-Cocked its leg?

-WOOF!

Anyway, I've had a call from a Dr Tony Whitby. Is Alistair around?

He's out walking the dog.

Flowers! Aargh! Flowers!

It's Pamela Whitby, the girl that I love!

Oh, for goodness sake, Alistair! Don't you ever give up?

Pamela!

You cannot resist the Romanian Stare!

You cannot resist the Romanian Stare!

-You can't do that.

-You cannot resist...!

Look into my eyes, Pamela, and go to sleep!

-Now I'll tell her to love me back.

-Before you do -

-Pamela, you are an owl!

-Twit-twoo!

-You've made her fly away!

-Don't you think she looks like an owl?

-Twit-twoo!

I've found him.

Now, why would a dog be sitting in a tree?

-Because he thinks he's a cat.

-Well...

isn't one of us going to have to get him?

WOOF!

-Twit-twoo!

-Ribbet-ribbet, I'm a tree frog! Ribbet-ribbet!

-Ribbet-ribbet!

-Twit-twoo!

THEY LAUGH

Right. Let's finish on some photos.

-Who wants to see Alistair's, em...

-ALL: Yeah!

Right. Two can play at that game.

There's a photo in here of Mel kissing a smelly camel,

and one of William with his pants down,

showing mum a spot on his botty.

They're both going on the website!