Haircut of Horrors The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury


Haircut of Horrors

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Attention, fellow revengers.

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A terrible injustice has befallen your leader.

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For the first time ever,

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Miss Bird has organised a school trip to the House Of Horrors.

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I think it's so we can meet some of her family.

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But I'm going to get some brilliant ideas for future revenges.

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Or I would - if I was allowed to go.

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# Get her, get him

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# Getting even ain't a sin

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# Sister Mel and brother Will Make 'em take a bitter pill

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# Serve it up lukewarm

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# Yeah, the storm before the storm

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# Oh, look out world Your sandwich is curled

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# Your tea's gone cold and now you're gettin' old

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# You know the boy with the camera He's gonna scam ya

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# Harder than Stonehenge

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# It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #

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Why am I the most lonely,

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left-out-of-everything person in the world?

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Because my lazy, horrible, couldn't-care-less parents

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were too busy to sign the school trip consent form.

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HORN BLARES

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Take what you want. Just leave the TV.

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Mum, can you sign my consent form for the school trip?

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Oh, go away!

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-But Mum!

-But nothing, Alistair.

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Perhaps this will teach you to be a little more organised next time.

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But Mum, you HAVE to sign it.

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This will be the best school trip ever.

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-I'll sign it. Pass me it.

-I would - if I hadn't lost it.

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Don't worry, all you have to do is get up, turn on the computer,

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type another, print that and sign it.

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HE SNORES

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HORN BLARES

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If I get more excited about the House Of Horrors, I'll explode.

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Me too. There's skeletons, ghosts, torture chambers...

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Will you shut up? I can't go, remember.

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For you, this home is like the House Of Horrors,

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cos the people in it torture your mind.

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Yeah, but Doctor Revenge has got a plan to pay them all back.

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We'll call it...

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"Operation Make The Furies Forget Granny's Birthday."

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HE LAUGHS AT THE TV

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KEY TONES BEEP

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Oh, Mum. Hello?

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-Well?

-Well, hello.

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-Aren't you going to say it?

-What?

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-Oh, you have an animal on your head.

-It's a wig!

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And I'll have you know, it was made specially for me

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by the 27th best wig-maker in the whole of London.

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It really shows.

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What do you need a wig for? You have your own hair.

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Wouldn't you just believe it,

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the strain of looking glamorous for my surprise birthday party

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made all my hair fall out.

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And, anyway, I think it takes years off me.

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Yeah, surprise birthday party. It's certainly a surprise. A BIG surprise.

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Excuse me for one minute.

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How did this happen? I wrote myself reminders. I put it in my diary.

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I made sure we wouldn't forget. I was organised.

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We should've written reminders to remind us of the reminders.

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Shut up, Sean!

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We have to put together a party in three seconds flat.

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Now, everybody think.

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-We could slip out the back door and wait till she's asleep.

-No!

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Don't be hasty, Sean. This has its merits.

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HE FARTS

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Oh dear.

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HE FARTS AGAIN

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Oh, this is a nice way to spend your birthday.

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Sitting alone with a very smelly dog for company.

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HE FARTS AGAIN

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I'm a professional celebrity chef. I can do this.

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I'm a professional chef. I can do this.

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I can make a delicious birthday feast from one rotten egg,

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some mouldy cheese and a kipper.

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Right, which do you think mum will prefer?

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William's baby teeth or an egg cup?

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EGG CUP SMASHES

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Baby teeth it is, then.

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Oh, this is impossible!

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Hi, is Granny here yet? I want to wish her happy birthday.

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-It would be awful if she thought I'd forgotten.

-You! You did this!

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-Did what, Mummy?

-What's going on in here?

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Where's my surprise party?

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Err, just putting the finishing touches to it now, Mum.

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Do you want Alistair to give you a foot rub, Granny?

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Oh no!

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Oh, about time!

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And make sure that you get in between the toes.

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That's where the skin is REALLY flaky.

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That was not nice.

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Still, once I've given Granny my special present

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I won't have to touch her flaky feet ever again.

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THEY ALL CHEER

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Here's the birthday girl now.

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-Did you enjoy the treat?

-Yes, thank you.

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My bunions needed a good scraping.

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By the way, Granny, I got you a present.

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What is it?

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It's ever so useful for slicing and dicing bunions.

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Oh, thank you, Alistair.

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I bet you can't wait to see all the amazing presents

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everyone else has bought you.

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-Well?

-Well...

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Well, um, it's been very busy at work lately so I haven't...

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You haven't got me any presents, have you?

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Of course we have. Haven't we?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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So, Will, why don't you give Granny your present first?

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-Um...

-Don't be shy.

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Erm...

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It's just a picture of me.

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Oh, what I've always wanted. A picture of Will with his top off.

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I've got what it takes to be a top model.

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A modelling agency scout spotted Will in the frozen food aisle.

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Now he thinks he's the most gorgeous boy on the planet.

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If you ask me, the only thing Will could model

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is hats for people with extra-big heads, like him.

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OK, so I've got a photo. What else?

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What else? Err, what, well, what...

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You'll never guess what I've got for you, Mum.

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Why would I guess? Give it to me.

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-Are you sure you don't want to guess?

-No.

-OK.

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Oh, here!

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Is it something to sit on, Sean?

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Oh no, don't tell me.

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-It's a log.

-NOW it's a log, but not for much longer,

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because I'm gonna...carve you a bust.

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-A bust?

-Yeah.

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-You mean like a statue of my head?

-Exactly.

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-What d'you know about sculpting?

-What's to know?

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Just need wood and tools. Be ready by dinner.

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Which brings us to Celia. When is my birthday dinner?

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POTS AND PANS CRASH

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MUM SHRIEKS

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-Another couple of minutes.

-Granny, I know what I'll get you.

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-A funky new hairstyle.

-Be careful.

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Let me explain revenges.

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Mel's never wanted to be a hairdresser.

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She never even mentioned hairdressing until last week.

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You know I said careers are only for ugly girls, Mummy?

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I've decided what I want to do with my life. Become a hairdresser.

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Now, why on earth would you want to do that?

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No real reason.

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I know of a reason.

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Rob the Bob.

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Dinner's ready!

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I think you'll really enjoy tonight's birthday meal, Granny.

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Why? Did someone else cook it?

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-Do we have any plasters?

-What have you done?

-Here.

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-There's nothing wrong with you.

-There is.

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I've been attacked by a chisel.

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-I said you don't know about sculpting.

-I do.

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It's chisels I'm not familiar with.

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William, shirt on at the dinner table.

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I can't. My fake tan's still wet.

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Everyone knows models aren't milk-bottle white.

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Or Jaffa Cake orange. Argh!

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In honour of Granny Constance's 70th birthday,

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tonight's meal will be ostrich meat, pomegranates, carrots in brine

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all 70 years old, just like Granny.

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Mum, why does specially-prepared food for Granny's birthday

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-look like week-old leftovers from the fridge?

-Ssshh!

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I know that, apart from Alistair, you all forgot my birthday.

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Luckily, there's a way you can make it up to me.

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-Do you want Alistair to rub your feet again?

-No.

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To commemorate my birthday,

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I've asked the people at Blue Rinse Magazine to come and take my photo.

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And they agreed, just like that?

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Well, I did say you'd write an article to go with the photo.

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What? You promised MY precious time?

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Well I'm sorry, Constance, it can't be done.

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-I have my own work to do.

-They're a national magazine.

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And the article is about

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-how you became the domestic goddess you are today.

-Well...

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-What is work when compared to family?

-It's all settled then.

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-Happy birthday, Mum.

-I want you all to be in the photo with me.

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-Everyone except Alistair.

-Why?

-I want this photo to be special.

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-You look like a street urchin.

-Mum, tell her I should be in the photo.

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Granny's right. If this photo is going to appear next to my article

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-it has to be perfect.

-Dad, this isn't fair!

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Sorry, Alistair. It's your granny's photo. Whatever she wants.

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-What's wrong with the way I look?

-Too scruffy.

-That's being nice.

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-I blame that T-shirt.

-What's wrong with my T-shirt?

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-Need you ask!

-But, Granny, you've got to let me in the photo. PLEASE!

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Left out of the school trip and the family photo!

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Come on, Alistair. Who wants to be in a granny mag anyway?

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That's not the point.

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I'm sick of being left out of everything

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-just because my family hate me.

-He's right. This means revenge war.

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Yeah, we'll knock them down one by one,

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-till the only person left standing is Alistair.

-I know...

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If they think you're too scruffy for a photo,

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-what if we made them look even worse?

-You mean,

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make them look so manky they'll never want to have their photo taken again?

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Genius!

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Let "Operation Make Them Look Like the Addams Family" begin!

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Ow! Celia, help!

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What is it now, Sean? Can't you see I'm trying to write my article?

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But this time I'm badly injured. It was the hammer's fault.

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-There's nothing wrong with you.

-There is. Look!

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It's a splinter, clear as day.

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If it's not visible to the naked eye, it won't kill you.

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I'm not anticipating a problem

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writing the first part of my article -

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"How I Triumphed Over Adversity More Than Nigella Lawson Ever Did"

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but I can't write with all this noise, so, please, get out!

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-Sure you can't see a splinter?

-Out!

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-Granny, I've been thinking about your new hairstyle.

-So have I.

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I want to see your work

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before I set you loose on what little hair I've left.

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I'm only a Saturday girl. All I do is sweep the floor.

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Then I'm not letting you near my hair.

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-What if I cut Will's?

-Err, hello? Top models don't have bad hair, duh!

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-I'll have to practice on the dog.

-You can't do that. That's cruel.

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Practice on Alistair.

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If you can make his hair less scruffy

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and get him out of that awful T-shirt,

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then maybe we'll let him in the photo.

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-Time for your haircut, Alice.

-What?

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NOOOOOOOO!

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Now you've got to tell me if this temperature's all right.

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Aargh, too cold! Too cold!

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What's that you're saying? Just right?

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-Too cold!

-Sorry, can't hear you over the shower.

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-Well, it could have been worse.

-How?

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They could have killed you.

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There's only one thing that can cheer me up.

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Revenge!

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Operation "Make the Furies look like the Addams Family, Part 1".

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Damaging Dad's bust will really stress him out.

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No-one'll want him in the photo cos he'll be all sweaty and red.

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-Are you sure this'll work?

-Trust me.

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Dad really wants this bust to look great for Granny.

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Let's see how his masterpiece looks after these wood-munching beetles

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have filled their little bellies.

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Oueee!

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Fudgenuts.

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Hmmm. Pretty interesting.

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RUSTLING

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And while we're at it, they can munch his wooden head!

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What the...?

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No!

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HE SCREAMS

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MUFFLED: Oh, no.

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Constance, quickly. I need help.

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I can't remember how I made the leap from mediocre TV chef

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to domestic goddess.

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-I can't remember that bit either.

-Oh! It's a disaster.

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Funny, that.

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DOOR SLAMS

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Mum!

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Mum, mum.

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-Right, which side do you think looks the best?

-William, please!

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Would you put some clothes on?

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Wait a minute. This side, or...

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that side?

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Neither!

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Now please would you both leave me alone so I can write this article?

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Right. But can I have some money to buy some teeth brightener?

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DAD SOBS

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-Oh...

-SOBBING: My poor thumb!

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-Problems?

-Don't worry, Mum. Your bust is coming along nicely.

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-It's just my fingers that're in trouble.

-Right, come on.

-Ow!

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Thanks.

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This thumb...

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There. Now you won't need to come back, will you?

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No.

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Operation "Make the Furies look like the Addams Family, Part 2".

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Will's fake tan.

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Tangerine Glow.

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Weird.

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I think blue's more his colour.

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HE SIGHS

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RUSTLING

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RUSTLING GETS LOUDER

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-Celia...

-Out.

-But Celia...

-Out!

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Bits of my mum's face keep disappearing.

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-Bits of her wooden face, that is.

-Who cares, Sean?

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The important thing is, I'm on a roll.

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All the time I was struggling with what to write - then it struck me.

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Make it up!

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-When did you cook for Kylie Minogue?

-1998.

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She was a fan of my water vole with peas.

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Who'd have thought?

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Look out, Nigella Lawson. Celia Fury is on your tail!

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SCREAMING

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-< Look what he's done to me!

-William?

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OK, fellow Revengers.

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Target number three - Mel.

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Her crime? Giving an innocent little brother a terrible haircut.

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Her punishment?

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Put itching powder in her pants?

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I'm not going anywhere near Mel's undercrackers. Any volunteers?

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What else have we got?

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We could put baby oil in her bed so she keeps sliding out in the night.

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We can do to her what she did to you.

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Didn't you say the House of Horrors had a set of stocks?

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Arrgh, scrape those bunions hard, Alistair!

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-Granny, it's me.

-Oh!

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-So it is.

-I've got something really special to show you.

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Ta-da!

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Robert says that just because I can't cut hair

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doesn't mean I can't be a hairdresser.

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I'll create unique pieces of art for people to wear on their head

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to complement their hair.

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It's certainly unique.

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-So will you wear it in your photo?

-Certainly not!

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Almost finished!

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Come on, Celia! Just one more paragraph to go.

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You can do it!

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Celia, unlock the door.

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-I'm dying.

-You're not dying, Sean.

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-Mummy, will you wear my new hair art in the photo?

-Don't be silly.

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Well, someone needs to!

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I have to impress Robert or he'll find a new girlfriend...

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..Saturday girl.

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I'll wear it if you let me in the house.

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Look, I only have one more paragraph to finish.

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Will everyone PLEASE leave me alone?

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-Hi, everyone!

-Oh, for goodness' sake.

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-Mum, can I ask something?

-No.

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Shoo!

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It's important. Miss Bird's taking the class on a trip tomorrow.

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We really need adult chaperones to come too. Will you come?

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Please?

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Alistair, I am in the middle of fictionalising my entire career.

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I don't have time for your silly little school trip.

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-I'll go if you let me in, Alistair.

-But Mum, you'd really enjoy it.

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Who wouldn't enjoy a trip to the newly-opened House of Hairdressing?

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Did you say House of Hairdressing?

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-Oh! Hi, Mel. I didn't know you were there.

-I could chaperone your class.

0:20:090:20:13

I couldn't ask you to do that.

0:20:130:20:15

I should mention, Nicky Clarke's going there tomorrow

0:20:150:20:19

to give a talk on how to be a top hairdresser.

0:20:190:20:22

What? Then I'm definitely going.

0:20:220:20:24

Robert'll be so impressed if I meet Nicky Clarke.

0:20:240:20:27

Really? Oh, you're the best sister a boy could ever have!

0:20:270:20:31

< Alis! You are dead meat!

0:20:310:20:33

Uh-oh...

0:20:330:20:34

That's it! I've done it!

0:20:470:20:50

I've finished!

0:20:500:20:52

I can't believe it's finally here - the great day.

0:21:200:21:24

By the time the photographer gets here this afternoon,

0:21:240:21:27

Mum will be exhausted from rewriting her article,

0:21:270:21:30

Dad will be stressed out

0:21:300:21:32

from wood-munching beetles destroying his masterpiece,

0:21:320:21:36

Will will still be blue,

0:21:360:21:38

and Mel will have the haircut of all haircuts.

0:21:380:21:41

And don't think I've forgotten to take care of Granny... Ha!

0:21:420:21:46

And they said I was scruffy... Say "Hard cheese," Furies!

0:21:460:21:50

Celia? Celia!

0:21:520:21:54

-Stop shouting, Sean! What are you looking for?

-My camera.

0:21:550:22:00

I need proof I'm not going mad. Mum's bust - it IS disappearing.

0:22:000:22:03

OK, let's just calm down now, shall we?

0:22:030:22:07

Half the problem with this family

0:22:070:22:09

is that everyone gets so het up all the time.

0:22:090:22:12

Take a leaf out of my book.

0:22:120:22:14

Here I am, perfectly calm, perfectly organised,

0:22:140:22:17

my article finished in plenty of time...

0:22:170:22:20

Where's my article?

0:22:240:22:25

-WHIMPERING:

-Where is it?

0:22:270:22:29

CHILLING SCREAM

0:22:320:22:35

Are you sure this is the House of Hairdressing?

0:22:350:22:37

-It's what the sign says.

-If you'll just put this on...

0:22:370:22:41

A blindfold? How stupid do you think I am?

0:22:410:22:44

Aaron, tell her.

0:22:450:22:47

-We're caught. She's too clever for us.

-OK, Mel.

0:22:470:22:51

Ralph and I were supposed to bring you here

0:22:510:22:53

so you could appear on a hairdressing programme for TV.

0:22:530:22:56

Your mum's producer organised it.

0:22:560:22:59

Nicky Clarke's in there with your friends and family,

0:22:590:23:02

and was gonna give you a fabulous haircut,

0:23:020:23:04

then whip off the blindfold - THE surprise look.

0:23:040:23:07

It could be transmitted around the country.

0:23:070:23:10

But if you don't want to put the blindfold on, we totally understand.

0:23:100:23:14

It's all our fault, blowing the whole thing.

0:23:140:23:18

Do you mean Nicky Clarke's in there?

0:23:180:23:20

BANG

0:23:250:23:27

Operation "Make the Furies look like the Addams Family, Part 4."

0:23:270:23:32

I'm so excited.

0:23:320:23:34

Rob'll definitely notice me when I tell him about this.

0:23:340:23:37

It's such an honour getting your hair cut by an expert.

0:23:370:23:40

Maybe I could show Nicky Clarke some of my hair art.

0:23:400:23:43

I wonder what my new hair's going to look like.

0:23:430:23:46

It'll be cutting edge.

0:23:460:23:49

Surprise!

0:23:520:23:55

MEL SHRIEKS

0:23:550:23:56

Safety scissors don't even cut paper!

0:23:560:23:59

In the House of Horrors, everyone can hear you scream...

0:23:590:24:02

but no-one cares.

0:24:020:24:03

No. Alis, please, NO!

0:24:040:24:06

Alis, no!

0:24:080:24:11

Stop! No!

0:24:110:24:14

SHE SCREAMS

0:24:160:24:18

-WEARILY:

-..then I lived happily ever after as a domestic goddess.

0:24:260:24:33

The end.

0:24:330:24:34

DOORBELL RINGS

0:24:390:24:41

Constance! Blue Rinse magazine, photographer.

0:24:450:24:49

Constance? I don't look like a 70-year-old woman.

0:24:490:24:53

Oh. Sorry.

0:24:540:24:56

My mistake. Come in. I'll get everyone together.

0:24:560:24:59

-Looking for something, Granny?

-I've lost my wig!

0:25:070:25:10

I can't have my photo taken without my wig.

0:25:100:25:12

-That's terrible.

-Have you seen it?

0:25:120:25:14

No-one'd want to be bald in a special family photo, would they?

0:25:230:25:27

I guess you could the whole thing off,

0:25:280:25:30

but that would give everyone a really big laugh.

0:25:300:25:34

Show me that.

0:25:350:25:37

Young man!

0:25:510:25:52

Why aren't you in the photo?

0:25:550:25:57

A smart, handsome boy like you would balance out...them.

0:25:570:26:01

Brilliant, no problem!

0:26:030:26:04

Say cheese.

0:26:070:26:09

What a disaster.

0:26:150:26:18

I need something to cheer me up.

0:26:180:26:20

Sean, may I have my birthday present?

0:26:200:26:23

-Oh, well...

-Now, Sean.

0:26:230:26:25

All right.

0:26:260:26:27

Here.

0:26:350:26:36

Is that all I get for my birthday? An ear?

0:26:370:26:41

It's a good ear. Mum, don't...

0:26:430:26:46

LOUD THUD

0:26:460:26:47

Take it easy, Mum. It's... It's a work in progress!

0:26:480:26:51

The first thing a Revenger learns,

0:27:110:27:14

after successfully taking revenge on your entire family,

0:27:140:27:17

have a safe, secure hiding place to sneak off to.

0:27:170:27:21

LOUD CRASH

0:27:210:27:24

Stupid beetles!

0:27:280:27:31

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0:27:310:27:33

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