Haircut of Horrors The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury

Attention, fellow revengers.

A terrible injustice has befallen your leader.

For the first time ever,

Miss Bird has organised a school trip to the House Of Horrors.

I think it's so we can meet some of her family.

But I'm going to get some brilliant ideas for future revenges.

Or I would - if I was allowed to go.

# Get her, get him

# Getting even ain't a sin

# Sister Mel and brother Will Make 'em take a bitter pill

# Serve it up lukewarm

# Yeah, the storm before the storm

# Oh, look out world Your sandwich is curled

# Your tea's gone cold and now you're gettin' old

# You know the boy with the camera He's gonna scam ya

# Harder than Stonehenge

# It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #

Why am I the most lonely,

left-out-of-everything person in the world?

Because my lazy, horrible, couldn't-care-less parents

were too busy to sign the school trip consent form.

HORN BLARES

Take what you want. Just leave the TV.

Mum, can you sign my consent form for the school trip?

Oh, go away!

-But Mum!

-But nothing, Alistair.

Perhaps this will teach you to be a little more organised next time.

But Mum, you HAVE to sign it.

This will be the best school trip ever.

-I'll sign it. Pass me it.

-I would - if I hadn't lost it.

Don't worry, all you have to do is get up, turn on the computer,

type another, print that and sign it.

HE SNORES

HORN BLARES

If I get more excited about the House Of Horrors, I'll explode.

Me too. There's skeletons, ghosts, torture chambers...

Will you shut up? I can't go, remember.

For you, this home is like the House Of Horrors,

cos the people in it torture your mind.

Yeah, but Doctor Revenge has got a plan to pay them all back.

We'll call it...

"Operation Make The Furies Forget Granny's Birthday."

HE LAUGHS AT THE TV

KEY TONES BEEP

Oh, Mum. Hello?

-Well?

-Well, hello.

-Aren't you going to say it?

-What?

-Oh, you have an animal on your head.

-It's a wig!

And I'll have you know, it was made specially for me

by the 27th best wig-maker in the whole of London.

It really shows.

What do you need a wig for? You have your own hair.

Wouldn't you just believe it,

the strain of looking glamorous for my surprise birthday party

made all my hair fall out.

And, anyway, I think it takes years off me.

Yeah, surprise birthday party. It's certainly a surprise. A BIG surprise.

Excuse me for one minute.

How did this happen? I wrote myself reminders. I put it in my diary.

I made sure we wouldn't forget. I was organised.

We should've written reminders to remind us of the reminders.

Shut up, Sean!

We have to put together a party in three seconds flat.

Now, everybody think.

-We could slip out the back door and wait till she's asleep.

-No!

Don't be hasty, Sean. This has its merits.

HE FARTS

Oh dear.

HE FARTS AGAIN

Oh, this is a nice way to spend your birthday.

Sitting alone with a very smelly dog for company.

HE FARTS AGAIN

I'm a professional celebrity chef. I can do this.

I'm a professional chef. I can do this.

I can make a delicious birthday feast from one rotten egg,

some mouldy cheese and a kipper.

Right, which do you think mum will prefer?

William's baby teeth or an egg cup?

EGG CUP SMASHES

Baby teeth it is, then.

Oh, this is impossible!

Hi, is Granny here yet? I want to wish her happy birthday.

-It would be awful if she thought I'd forgotten.

-You! You did this!

-Did what, Mummy?

-What's going on in here?

Where's my surprise party?

Err, just putting the finishing touches to it now, Mum.

Do you want Alistair to give you a foot rub, Granny?

Oh no!

Oh, about time!

And make sure that you get in between the toes.

That's where the skin is REALLY flaky.

That was not nice.

Still, once I've given Granny my special present

I won't have to touch her flaky feet ever again.

THEY ALL CHEER

Here's the birthday girl now.

-Did you enjoy the treat?

-Yes, thank you.

My bunions needed a good scraping.

By the way, Granny, I got you a present.

What is it?

It's ever so useful for slicing and dicing bunions.

Oh, thank you, Alistair.

I bet you can't wait to see all the amazing presents

everyone else has bought you.

-Well?

-Well...

Well, um, it's been very busy at work lately so I haven't...

You haven't got me any presents, have you?

Of course we have. Haven't we?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

So, Will, why don't you give Granny your present first?

-Um...

-Don't be shy.

Erm...

It's just a picture of me.

Oh, what I've always wanted. A picture of Will with his top off.

I've got what it takes to be a top model.

A modelling agency scout spotted Will in the frozen food aisle.

Now he thinks he's the most gorgeous boy on the planet.

If you ask me, the only thing Will could model

is hats for people with extra-big heads, like him.

OK, so I've got a photo. What else?

What else? Err, what, well, what...

You'll never guess what I've got for you, Mum.

Why would I guess? Give it to me.

-Are you sure you don't want to guess?

-No.

-OK.

Oh, here!

Is it something to sit on, Sean?

Oh no, don't tell me.

-It's a log.

-NOW it's a log, but not for much longer,

because I'm gonna...carve you a bust.

-A bust?

-Yeah.

-You mean like a statue of my head?

-Exactly.

-What d'you know about sculpting?

-What's to know?

Just need wood and tools. Be ready by dinner.

Which brings us to Celia. When is my birthday dinner?

POTS AND PANS CRASH

MUM SHRIEKS

-Another couple of minutes.

-Granny, I know what I'll get you.

-A funky new hairstyle.

-Be careful.

Let me explain revenges.

Mel's never wanted to be a hairdresser.

She never even mentioned hairdressing until last week.

You know I said careers are only for ugly girls, Mummy?

I've decided what I want to do with my life. Become a hairdresser.

Now, why on earth would you want to do that?

No real reason.

I know of a reason.

Rob the Bob.

Dinner's ready!

I think you'll really enjoy tonight's birthday meal, Granny.

Why? Did someone else cook it?

-Do we have any plasters?

-What have you done?

-Here.

-There's nothing wrong with you.

-There is.

I've been attacked by a chisel.

-I said you don't know about sculpting.

-I do.

It's chisels I'm not familiar with.

William, shirt on at the dinner table.

I can't. My fake tan's still wet.

Everyone knows models aren't milk-bottle white.

Or Jaffa Cake orange. Argh!

In honour of Granny Constance's 70th birthday,

tonight's meal will be ostrich meat, pomegranates, carrots in brine

all 70 years old, just like Granny.

Mum, why does specially-prepared food for Granny's birthday

-look like week-old leftovers from the fridge?

-Ssshh!

I know that, apart from Alistair, you all forgot my birthday.

Luckily, there's a way you can make it up to me.

-Do you want Alistair to rub your feet again?

-No.

To commemorate my birthday,

I've asked the people at Blue Rinse Magazine to come and take my photo.

And they agreed, just like that?

Well, I did say you'd write an article to go with the photo.

What? You promised MY precious time?

Well I'm sorry, Constance, it can't be done.

-I have my own work to do.

-They're a national magazine.

And the article is about

-how you became the domestic goddess you are today.

-Well...

-What is work when compared to family?

-It's all settled then.

-Happy birthday, Mum.

-I want you all to be in the photo with me.

-Everyone except Alistair.

-Why?

-I want this photo to be special.

-You look like a street urchin.

-Mum, tell her I should be in the photo.

Granny's right. If this photo is going to appear next to my article

-it has to be perfect.

-Dad, this isn't fair!

Sorry, Alistair. It's your granny's photo. Whatever she wants.

-What's wrong with the way I look?

-Too scruffy.

-That's being nice.

-I blame that T-shirt.

-What's wrong with my T-shirt?

-Need you ask!

-But, Granny, you've got to let me in the photo. PLEASE!

Left out of the school trip and the family photo!

Come on, Alistair. Who wants to be in a granny mag anyway?

That's not the point.

I'm sick of being left out of everything

-just because my family hate me.

-He's right. This means revenge war.

Yeah, we'll knock them down one by one,

-till the only person left standing is Alistair.

-I know...

If they think you're too scruffy for a photo,

-what if we made them look even worse?

-You mean,

make them look so manky they'll never want to have their photo taken again?

Genius!

Let "Operation Make Them Look Like the Addams Family" begin!

Ow! Celia, help!

What is it now, Sean? Can't you see I'm trying to write my article?

But this time I'm badly injured. It was the hammer's fault.

-There's nothing wrong with you.

-There is. Look!

It's a splinter, clear as day.

If it's not visible to the naked eye, it won't kill you.

I'm not anticipating a problem

writing the first part of my article -

"How I Triumphed Over Adversity More Than Nigella Lawson Ever Did"

but I can't write with all this noise, so, please, get out!

-Sure you can't see a splinter?

-Out!

-Granny, I've been thinking about your new hairstyle.

-So have I.

I want to see your work

before I set you loose on what little hair I've left.

I'm only a Saturday girl. All I do is sweep the floor.

Then I'm not letting you near my hair.

-What if I cut Will's?

-Err, hello? Top models don't have bad hair, duh!

-I'll have to practice on the dog.

-You can't do that. That's cruel.

Practice on Alistair.

If you can make his hair less scruffy

and get him out of that awful T-shirt,

then maybe we'll let him in the photo.

-Time for your haircut, Alice.

-What?

NOOOOOOOO!

Now you've got to tell me if this temperature's all right.

Aargh, too cold! Too cold!

What's that you're saying? Just right?

-Too cold!

-Sorry, can't hear you over the shower.

-Well, it could have been worse.

-How?

They could have killed you.

There's only one thing that can cheer me up.

Revenge!

Operation "Make the Furies look like the Addams Family, Part 1".

Damaging Dad's bust will really stress him out.

No-one'll want him in the photo cos he'll be all sweaty and red.

-Are you sure this'll work?

-Trust me.

Dad really wants this bust to look great for Granny.

Let's see how his masterpiece looks after these wood-munching beetles

have filled their little bellies.

Oueee!

Fudgenuts.

Hmmm. Pretty interesting.

RUSTLING

And while we're at it, they can munch his wooden head!

What the...?

No!

HE SCREAMS

MUFFLED: Oh, no.

Constance, quickly. I need help.

I can't remember how I made the leap from mediocre TV chef

to domestic goddess.

-I can't remember that bit either.

-Oh! It's a disaster.

Funny, that.

DOOR SLAMS

Mum!

Mum, mum.

-Right, which side do you think looks the best?

-William, please!

Would you put some clothes on?

Wait a minute. This side, or...

that side?

Neither!

Now please would you both leave me alone so I can write this article?

Right. But can I have some money to buy some teeth brightener?

DAD SOBS

-Oh...

-SOBBING: My poor thumb!

-Problems?

-Don't worry, Mum. Your bust is coming along nicely.

-It's just my fingers that're in trouble.

-Right, come on.

-Ow!

Thanks.

This thumb...

There. Now you won't need to come back, will you?

No.

Operation "Make the Furies look like the Addams Family, Part 2".

Will's fake tan.

Tangerine Glow.

Weird.

I think blue's more his colour.

HE SIGHS

RUSTLING

RUSTLING GETS LOUDER

-Celia...

-Out.

-But Celia...

-Out!

Bits of my mum's face keep disappearing.

-Bits of her wooden face, that is.

-Who cares, Sean?

The important thing is, I'm on a roll.

All the time I was struggling with what to write - then it struck me.

Make it up!

-When did you cook for Kylie Minogue?

-1998.

She was a fan of my water vole with peas.

Who'd have thought?

Look out, Nigella Lawson. Celia Fury is on your tail!

SCREAMING

-< Look what he's done to me!

-William?

OK, fellow Revengers.

Target number three - Mel.

Her crime? Giving an innocent little brother a terrible haircut.

Her punishment?

Put itching powder in her pants?

I'm not going anywhere near Mel's undercrackers. Any volunteers?

What else have we got?

We could put baby oil in her bed so she keeps sliding out in the night.

We can do to her what she did to you.

Didn't you say the House of Horrors had a set of stocks?

Arrgh, scrape those bunions hard, Alistair!

-Granny, it's me.

-Oh!

-So it is.

-I've got something really special to show you.

Ta-da!

Robert says that just because I can't cut hair

doesn't mean I can't be a hairdresser.

I'll create unique pieces of art for people to wear on their head

to complement their hair.

It's certainly unique.

-So will you wear it in your photo?

-Certainly not!

Almost finished!

Come on, Celia! Just one more paragraph to go.

You can do it!

Celia, unlock the door.

-I'm dying.

-You're not dying, Sean.

-Mummy, will you wear my new hair art in the photo?

-Don't be silly.

Well, someone needs to!

I have to impress Robert or he'll find a new girlfriend...

..Saturday girl.

I'll wear it if you let me in the house.

Look, I only have one more paragraph to finish.

Will everyone PLEASE leave me alone?

-Hi, everyone!

-Oh, for goodness' sake.

-Mum, can I ask something?

-No.

Shoo!

It's important. Miss Bird's taking the class on a trip tomorrow.

We really need adult chaperones to come too. Will you come?

Please?

Alistair, I am in the middle of fictionalising my entire career.

I don't have time for your silly little school trip.

-I'll go if you let me in, Alistair.

-But Mum, you'd really enjoy it.

Who wouldn't enjoy a trip to the newly-opened House of Hairdressing?

Did you say House of Hairdressing?

-Oh! Hi, Mel. I didn't know you were there.

-I could chaperone your class.

I couldn't ask you to do that.

I should mention, Nicky Clarke's going there tomorrow

to give a talk on how to be a top hairdresser.

What? Then I'm definitely going.

Robert'll be so impressed if I meet Nicky Clarke.

Really? Oh, you're the best sister a boy could ever have!

< Alis! You are dead meat!

Uh-oh...

That's it! I've done it!

I've finished!

I can't believe it's finally here - the great day.

By the time the photographer gets here this afternoon,

Mum will be exhausted from rewriting her article,

Dad will be stressed out

from wood-munching beetles destroying his masterpiece,

Will will still be blue,

and Mel will have the haircut of all haircuts.

And don't think I've forgotten to take care of Granny... Ha!

And they said I was scruffy... Say "Hard cheese," Furies!

Celia? Celia!

-Stop shouting, Sean! What are you looking for?

-My camera.

I need proof I'm not going mad. Mum's bust - it IS disappearing.

OK, let's just calm down now, shall we?

Half the problem with this family

is that everyone gets so het up all the time.

Take a leaf out of my book.

Here I am, perfectly calm, perfectly organised,

my article finished in plenty of time...

Where's my article?

-WHIMPERING:

-Where is it?

CHILLING SCREAM

Are you sure this is the House of Hairdressing?

-It's what the sign says.

-If you'll just put this on...

A blindfold? How stupid do you think I am?

Aaron, tell her.

-We're caught. She's too clever for us.

-OK, Mel.

Ralph and I were supposed to bring you here

so you could appear on a hairdressing programme for TV.

Your mum's producer organised it.

Nicky Clarke's in there with your friends and family,

and was gonna give you a fabulous haircut,

then whip off the blindfold - THE surprise look.

It could be transmitted around the country.

But if you don't want to put the blindfold on, we totally understand.

It's all our fault, blowing the whole thing.

Do you mean Nicky Clarke's in there?

BANG

Operation "Make the Furies look like the Addams Family, Part 4."

I'm so excited.

Rob'll definitely notice me when I tell him about this.

It's such an honour getting your hair cut by an expert.

Maybe I could show Nicky Clarke some of my hair art.

I wonder what my new hair's going to look like.

It'll be cutting edge.

Surprise!

MEL SHRIEKS

Safety scissors don't even cut paper!

In the House of Horrors, everyone can hear you scream...

but no-one cares.

No. Alis, please, NO!

Alis, no!

Stop! No!

SHE SCREAMS

-WEARILY:

-..then I lived happily ever after as a domestic goddess.

The end.

DOORBELL RINGS

Constance! Blue Rinse magazine, photographer.

Constance? I don't look like a 70-year-old woman.

Oh. Sorry.

My mistake. Come in. I'll get everyone together.

-Looking for something, Granny?

-I've lost my wig!

I can't have my photo taken without my wig.

-That's terrible.

-Have you seen it?

No-one'd want to be bald in a special family photo, would they?

I guess you could the whole thing off,

but that would give everyone a really big laugh.

Show me that.

Young man!

Why aren't you in the photo?

A smart, handsome boy like you would balance out...them.

Brilliant, no problem!

Say cheese.

What a disaster.

I need something to cheer me up.

Sean, may I have my birthday present?

-Oh, well...

-Now, Sean.

All right.

Here.

Is that all I get for my birthday? An ear?

It's a good ear. Mum, don't...

LOUD THUD

Take it easy, Mum. It's... It's a work in progress!

The first thing a Revenger learns,

after successfully taking revenge on your entire family,

have a safe, secure hiding place to sneak off to.

LOUD CRASH

Stupid beetles!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd