The Gutter Press The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury

Fellow avengers, you are witness to a new era in vengeance, for...

..in three hours time, we go in to publishing.

# Oh, get her, get him Getting even ain't a sin

# Sister Mel and brother Will Make 'em take a bitter pill

-# Serve it up lukewarm

-Lukewarm

-# It's the sun before the storm

-Before the storm

# Oh look out world Your sandwich is cut

# Your tea's gone cold And now you're getting old

# You know the boy with the camera He's gonna scam ya

# Harder than Stonehenge It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #

'It all started when my evil brother William

'shocked the world by getting a job delivering the local free paper.

'The sun shone, the birds sang,

'and joy and laughter lay behind every letterbox.'

'Everything was going like a clockwork dream,

'until William saw trouble ahead,

'and this - purely by coincidence, of course -

'was when he injured his ankle.'

THUNDERCLAP

Aargh! It's twisted! I think it might be broken!

Pull the other one!

What happened? How have you hurt yourself?

There was a tortoise stuck up a tree,

I didn't think, I rescued it!

-That's my boy!

-The branch snapped and we both came down.

You might need a cast, crutches...

-Oh, Sean!

-It happens, Celia!

A guy down the pub tripped over,

ended up with two wooden legs!

-I think it just needs rest, Dad.

-How's the tortoise?

A bit shell-shocked.

-Well, there's nothing else for it.

-AAARGH!

-You'll rest until you're recovered.

-If you say so.

I'll take time off for as long as necessary

-to nurse you back to health.

-That's not necessary.

-I can look after him.

-There's no need to thank me.

It's one of the sacrifices a father makes.

THUNDER RUMBLES Put the kettle on, love.

-What about your paper round?

-I dunno.

-I don't wanna let Chattages down.

-You can't go back out.

I need my... I mean, HE needs his rest.

True.

-We could line up a replacement paper boy.

-Like who?

I know!

It's not fair! I've never even read a paper!

Why should I deliver them?!

It's time you channelled your energies into something helpful.

Besides, you'll enjoy it!

The fresh air, the exercise, the chance to make new friends...

Lamb. Too traditional.

Veal. Too posh.

Octopus!

Too tentacle-y.

-Mum, I got bitten by a dog.

-Alistair, please!

You're dripping everywhere!

I'm looking for recipes for the show.

-You're always preparing.

-This week there's an extra one -

-a try-out for a different channel.

-OK, but...

It's a real channel, Alistair,

where you don't need a £200 satellite mega-box.

We're talking normal telly!

-Through an aerial!

-Fine, but...

It's the break I've been waiting for. But I need a new angle.

Jamie's got school dinners, Gordon's got swearing,

I need something to keep people's attention,

something that's gonna stop them from drifting off... Alistair?

-SHE SIGHS

-Ooh!

-Mel, I got bitten by a dog...

-Oh...!

What's up with you?

-It's Dave.

-HE SIGHS

Scaly Dave.

He never shuts up about those tench. He's so boring!

You know what this is? This is a tench.

You know how you can tell? The markings.

You know how else? The smell!

I want someone with life experience.

I think I've got pneumonia. And rabies.

Don't be a drama queen. I've got real problems.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Morning, Alis. How was work?

Horrible! I got bitten on the calf by a hamster,

and bitten on the hamstring by a calf!

You never told me there were so many animals!

Hang on, you're injured!

Me? No. I was just pretending so you'd have to do the round for me.

-It's called intelligence!

-That's not fair!

-Dad, Dad!

-What? I'm just preparing some food

for your brother. Help him get better.

Not the beer. That's a kind of medicine for me.

-He doesn't need to recover, there's nothing wrong with him!

-What?

He was on his feet a moment ago, kicking a cushion about.

I don't think so.

-He's got a twisted ankle.

-No, he hasn't!

Of course he has. Why would you be doing his round?

I can see a bright light. Should I go towards the light?

Please. Shut the door behind you.

THUNDER CRASHES You rest, son.

There's all the time in the world.

I've taken three weeks' leave, so you take it easy.

He's putting it on! There's nothing wrong with him!

WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS

Ralph! Aaron! It's time to take action.

My gentle nature has been pushed too far. When I say William's lying,

'no-one believes me. I need a way to make people listen.'

My dad's a vicar, people believe what HE says.

-'So, I should become a vicar?'

-Er, no. You need qualifications.

Plus you wear a dress. I could ask Dad to do a sermon

-on how evil William is.

-'But how do I make him believe me?'

-Mr E!

-'My dog?'

-You want Alistair's dog to talk to my father?

No. We train the dog to attack William.

He will have to run away. Then everyone will see he's a faker.

All right, Mr E, pay close attention.

This sock belongs to the target, Mr William Fury.

Imagine his leg

is this dog biscuit.

Now...

-Attack!

-Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

Didn't work. Let's try something else.

This is William.

This is food.

Eat William Fury! Tear him to bits!

Stupid dog!

Four hours, and he still couldn't do it.

We needed another way to spread the news.

That's when it hit me.

People believe what they read in the paper!

So we made our own paper.

Or, to be precise, our own page to insert into the real paper,

to tell the world the truth about William's fake injury.

Meet the staff.

There's Misri, the technical whiz. He does all the printing.

Excuse me, Alistair...

There's Sanjay, he eats chocolate and makes sure Misri doesn't escape.

And there's Aaron and Ralph, the intrepid paparazzi.

The men who gather my evidence.

TV COMES ON

Just like the real thing!

Well done, Misri. Excellent day's work.

Sure about these stories about your brother?

-It seems a little bit unfair.

-Unfair?! Me?!

It's not personal. It's the press' responsibility

to print the truth, no matter what.

It's what makes us a free society.

But is it right to be nasty about one person...?

Now, to get these babies delivered.

Can't wait to see what Mum and Dad'll do to him!

Please, no! Dad...!

-So disappointed in you.

-You're no son of mine!

Dad, no, please! I'm really sorry!

This is terrible!

I can't believe you'd do this to your brother!

-Me? What have I done?

-Putting these stories through everyone's door!

But they're true! He was faking!

How do you know these weren't real pages?

Real papers don't say, "Big brothers are smelly fatheads."

And your spelling. There's one L in "malingering".

-Not six.

-We're gonna have to do something about this.

-Extra spelling lessons.

-I mean his attitude.

What is it? What drives you to behave in such an anti-social way?

-He does!

-Channel your energies into something more helpful.

Helpful? I'm doing his paper round for free.

I think the best punishment for you

would be to do a good deed for each one of us

-to show you the value of being nice!

-WHAT?!

Good idea. It's the only way.

I want you each to choose a favour that Alistair can do.

William.

Erm...

Yeah, I know what you can do for me, Alis.

This apple juice is corked, Alistair! Take it back!

Sean. What could Alistair do for you to lighten your heavy burden?

That's a difficult one. I'm not used to thinking of myself.

I usually help everyone else with their problems.

OK. Melanie, what could Alistair do for you?

-Erm... Dump my boyfriend.

-What?

-Yeah.

Ditch Dave for me. I've had it up to here with his flippin' fish.

-I don't know how to.

-It's time you found out.

-Why? I don't WANT a boyfriend.

-Just say something like...

It's just not really working.

Mel needs space to find herself. She's not ready for a commitment.

-It's not you, it's her.

-It's the tench.

She doesn't like the tench!

There are three people in this relationship.

-Well, two people and a fish.

-But I love her!

I can't bear to be without her!

I really like Mel too!

Sorry, Dave. This is the way things have to be.

-HE SOBS

-Don't be like that.

-There's plenty more fish in the sea.

-HE WAILS

So, I suppose that only really leaves me, doesn't it?

I don't want you to do any favours for me.

Ooh! Except.. Perhaps there is one little thing.

It's not even a favour, really.

For tomorrow's show, the one for the proper telly,

I've come up with my new angle -

poverty.

You what?

I'm going to cook food and give it to poor people.

It'll make me seem more relevant, more socially conscious.

-What's that got to do with me?

-Well, you've got a poor friend.

-'Arry or something?

-Aaron.

-That's him.

Poor little mite! Bring him along to be a taster.

It'll be fun! And it'll put some food in his empty belly.

-That's a bad idea.

-Don't patronise me.

Just send your hungry friend along to be fed.

AGITATED SHOUTING

She said what? "Send your hungry friend to be fed"?!

I know, you're not a charity case.

It's not that. Your mum's food, it's disgusting.

We could slip one of Scaly Dave's tench into your parents' wardrobe.

-It'll bite them!

-It can't, it's not alive.

OK. So, you put a live fish in their wardrobe,

in a tank. That might bite them.

-But why would they put their hands in a tank?

-We put a sign on.

-"These fish do not bite."

-Would they believe it?

-It doesn't matter. Fish can't read.

-What?!

Look, I need a revenge they can't criticize me for.

-A good revenge. A helpful revenge.

-Like, a charity revenge?

-Yes!

-A socially-conscious revenge!

-Precisely.

If Mum wants to feed the hungry, we'll send her the hungry.

-This looks like the place. You got the leaflets?

-Got them.

Free food and a warm place to stay!

-All welcome!

-Arrive 7:00! 7:00 sharp!

Remember, it's that little twist of grapefruit

that gives an eel an extra oomph.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-What's that?

Sounds like I've got a hungry mouth to feed!

Come on in, 'Arry!

Oh!

Evening, love.

-We heard there was free grub?

-Um...

-Ah... Slice of eel, anyone?

-Mmm!

The operation isn't going quite to plan.

I'm hoping for people a bit more toothless. A bit smellier!

FLIES BUZZ

Still, Mum'll hate having them in her kitchen,

disrupting her show.

This is lovely, Celia. Really exquisite.

I think you could use a bit less grapefruit.

-Do you?

-Mmm. It's fighting with the eel.

-Mmm.

-Instead,

-maybe try a touch of paprika.

-Some mint would really set it off.

This is the first meal I've had in a week.

Cheers, it's fantastic.

And...cut! That was fantastic, guys, best show we've done in ages.

APPLAUSE

Not going quite as planned.

But at least the rest of the family won't like it.

-So, do you actually sleep out on the streets?

-Some nights, yeah.

It's rough. You have to get used to it.

Most guys I meet have no experience.

But you, you must have seen some awful things.

Yah. I don't really like to talk about them.

No. But I do.

Sean, try this. I got it off a Chinese sailor at Liverpool Docks.

Tell me, Tommy, where did you develop this taste for good food?

I worked as a butler for a while -

can't be too specific.

Let's just say, she's on stamps.

Really?

Would you like to be on the show again? Next week?

I'm thinking of sourcing my ingredients from actual skips.

# Oh Danny boy

# The pipes, the pipes are calling... #

OK, so, the homeless men are nice, Mum's show's gone well,

and the rest of the family like them!

But wait until they stay overnight!

That'll cause problems, won't it? Please!

Have you thought about where they'll sleep?

BOTH: Alistair's room!

That was my thought.

But it's small, I'm not sure three people will fit.

Hmm...

Hello, Revengers. Things have gone badly wrong.

I'm sharing my bedroom, not with the homeless -

I could deal with that - but with my family.

They've given up their rooms

and moved in with me. This can no longer be tolerated.

Since the homeless men won't make a mess and do their jobs,

I've arranged for visitors to do it for them.

Silent, stealthy visitors who will come like a whisper in the night.

-CRASH!

-Oh!

-Be careful!

-We're supposed to be making a mess!

Yeah, but a quiet mess, not a noisy mess!

-You should shut your mouth!

-You should shut yours!

-You're up early, Alistair.

-It's a bright new day, Mum.

-Imagine what surprises it will bring.

-If you say so.

Here it comes! One, two, three...!

-Oh, lovely!

-Eh?

Did you do this, Tommy?

I took the liberty. Had a whizz round with the vacuum cleaner too.

You see? This is what I mean about helping out.

I'd like to see this attitude from you.

-Milk, or lemon tea, ma'am?

-Lemon, lovely...

-How did everybody sleep? Well, I hope.

-Not me.

-Alis, your mattress is like a pile of elbows!

-I didn't sleep either.

HE SNORES LOUDLY

Perhaps I can cheer you all up...

..with a full English breakfast.

ALL: Wow!

Look at this! With cups and saucers!

Celia! Celia! There you are! Oh, fabulous news!

The TV channel absolutely love you, and the new show!

-The proper channel?

-Yes - last night's show with the hobos...

-Good morning.

-...the homeless gentlemen...

..was the angle they were after - a food show with a social conscience.

We'll make Jamie Oliver look like Sweeney Todd!

Well done. Great idea to invite them!

And, while these...men are staying here,

the proper channel will pay for the entire Fury family

- to find alternative accommodation. - Where?

Hotel Magnifico! Five-star luxury for the whole Fury family...

-ALL CHEER

-Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

-..apart from Alistair.

-What?!

Aw(!)

It doesn't extend to you, you didn't give up your room!

-I did!

-No, Alis. Me, Will, Mum and Dad did.

You have to find somewhere else.

-CAR HORN BEEPS

-The limo...

-ALL: Limo?

-..to take you to the helicopter.

-Wow!

William should be the one to stay!

-He's injured! He shouldn't be moved!

-That's a good point.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe I ought to stay behind.

But wait a minute...

Hallelujah! It's a miracle! I'm cured!

Yay!

It's not fair! He wasn't injured in the first place!

I hate them all! Mum told me to stay with Aaron,

but his mum said I couldn't - she said it was me

who told him to put a live fish in her wardrobe.

So I'm home alone. This injustice calls for a mega-revenge.

-A revenge to top all revenges.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Your refreshments, Mr Fury.

Oh, right. Thanks.

As I was saying,

this calls for the greatest revenge in history.

Actually, that's quite nice.

Mmm. How's that curry coming along, Tommy?

Could be one of my better ones.

-I've come to wash my mug.

-No problems, I've got it.

-I should do my chores.

-No need, Mr Fury. It's all taken care of.

-Oh, right. Thanks.

-Yes! Yes, stay! You gonna stay...?

-You teaching my dog tricks?

-Yeah, it's a great dog, this.

Clever, lots of potential. Just needs mental stimulation.

Clever Mr E!

Who's a good Mr E? To the left! And to the right! Stay...!

Plans for getting my family out of that disgustingly nice hotel,

back into this disgustingly disgusting house.

Steve suggests we set off the fire alarms.

Emma from Newport, "Put something in the water."

-Laxatives?

-Crocodiles should have the same effect.

-SNUFFLING

-Aw, look at Mr E! Isn't that cute?

This dog's got so clever since Jim moved in.

The best way to get my family back is to hire a hot-air balloon,

-fill it with gerbils.

-Alistair, do you really want your family back?

-What?

-The house is a nicer place without them. You seem happier.

-Your dog just brought you biscuits.

-Never thought of it that way.

These men are the best family I've ever had.

Forget the Furys. They can rot in that luxury hotel for all I care.

Gentlemen, today's revenge is cancelled.

-Lovely morning, ain't it, chaps?

-Mmm. Sure is.

Oh, Al, I thought I could take Mr E for a run in the park later.

-Do you fancy it?

-Sounds good.

-Cool.

Ah, Tommy, there you are. I'll have hot milk on my cereal this morning.

What exactly do you call this?

-What?

-Page 6a.

"Local boy Alistair Fury this week scattered rubbish

"all over his house to make his homeless guests seem like slobs."

-I don't, I mean... I...

-How could you?!

After we've been so good to you?

I taught your dog all them tricks.

Tommy made you all those lovely biscuits.

I thought we'd found a home here, boys,

but, no, it's just like everywhere else.

-I'm... I'm sorry, I mean...

-Come on, lads.

I know where we're NOT wanted.

-DOOR SLAMS

-Who has the technical ability to...?

-Misri?

-Hello.

-Did you do this?

-Yes. And I used spell-checker this week.

-But why?

So the words are spelled correctly.

-Why did you print this?

-You said it's the press' responsibility to...

..print the truth, no matter. It makes us...

-..a free society.

-I didn't mean it. Print the truth, but not about me.

He's already done next week's,

about your love triangle with a boy and a fish.

So, our little holiday's over.

I've lost my new family, and, even worse,

-got the old one back.

-DOOR CLOSES

Alistair!

Alistair?

-Alistair!

-Punish him, Dad! He drove away Jim!

Brave Jim. The only man I could ever love!

He had us moved out of the hotel!

They had Global Sports III! I'm gonna miss the curling finals!

Everything's always about curling with you, Sean!

What about me? I've lost my one shot at real telly!

Cast back to the wilderness of the Wife Style Channel!

600 viewers a week, and that includes prisons!

At least everyone's unhappy, and William's stopped pretending,

so he gets his job back, no more paper round for me!

Alistair!

Alis!

You're in big trouble, Alis!

"Imagine his leg..."

is this dog biscuit.

-"Now, attack!"

-All right, Mr E? How's it hanging?

"Go! Go! Go!"

-Mr E! Get off, please...!

-DOG GROWLS

MR E CHOMPS, WILL SCREAMS

No, wait! It hurts!

MUM: What's the matter? What's happened?

MEL: That's disgusting! What's he done to it?

It's obvious, he's broken it.

Could be out of action for weeks. I'll book some time off.

That's just great(!)

THUNDER ROARS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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