The Gutter Press The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury


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Fellow avengers, you are witness to a new era in vengeance, for...

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..in three hours time, we go in to publishing.

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# Oh, get her, get him Getting even ain't a sin

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# Sister Mel and brother Will Make 'em take a bitter pill

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-# Serve it up lukewarm

-Lukewarm

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-# It's the sun before the storm

-Before the storm

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# Oh look out world Your sandwich is cut

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# Your tea's gone cold And now you're getting old

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# You know the boy with the camera He's gonna scam ya

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# Harder than Stonehenge It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #

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'It all started when my evil brother William

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'shocked the world by getting a job delivering the local free paper.

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'The sun shone, the birds sang,

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'and joy and laughter lay behind every letterbox.'

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'Everything was going like a clockwork dream,

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'until William saw trouble ahead,

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'and this - purely by coincidence, of course -

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'was when he injured his ankle.'

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THUNDERCLAP

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Aargh! It's twisted! I think it might be broken!

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Pull the other one!

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What happened? How have you hurt yourself?

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There was a tortoise stuck up a tree,

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I didn't think, I rescued it!

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-That's my boy!

-The branch snapped and we both came down.

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You might need a cast, crutches...

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-Oh, Sean!

-It happens, Celia!

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A guy down the pub tripped over,

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ended up with two wooden legs!

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-I think it just needs rest, Dad.

-How's the tortoise?

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A bit shell-shocked.

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-Well, there's nothing else for it.

-AAARGH!

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-You'll rest until you're recovered.

-If you say so.

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I'll take time off for as long as necessary

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-to nurse you back to health.

-That's not necessary.

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-I can look after him.

-There's no need to thank me.

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It's one of the sacrifices a father makes.

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THUNDER RUMBLES Put the kettle on, love.

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-What about your paper round?

-I dunno.

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-I don't wanna let Chattages down.

-You can't go back out.

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I need my... I mean, HE needs his rest.

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True.

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-We could line up a replacement paper boy.

-Like who?

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I know!

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It's not fair! I've never even read a paper!

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Why should I deliver them?!

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It's time you channelled your energies into something helpful.

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Besides, you'll enjoy it!

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The fresh air, the exercise, the chance to make new friends...

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Lamb. Too traditional.

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Veal. Too posh.

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Octopus!

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Too tentacle-y.

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-Mum, I got bitten by a dog.

-Alistair, please!

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You're dripping everywhere!

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I'm looking for recipes for the show.

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-You're always preparing.

-This week there's an extra one -

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-a try-out for a different channel.

-OK, but...

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It's a real channel, Alistair,

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where you don't need a £200 satellite mega-box.

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We're talking normal telly!

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-Through an aerial!

-Fine, but...

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It's the break I've been waiting for. But I need a new angle.

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Jamie's got school dinners, Gordon's got swearing,

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I need something to keep people's attention,

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something that's gonna stop them from drifting off... Alistair?

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-SHE SIGHS

-Ooh!

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-Mel, I got bitten by a dog...

-Oh...!

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What's up with you?

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-It's Dave.

-HE SIGHS

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Scaly Dave.

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He never shuts up about those tench. He's so boring!

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You know what this is? This is a tench.

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You know how you can tell? The markings.

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You know how else? The smell!

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I want someone with life experience.

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I think I've got pneumonia. And rabies.

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Don't be a drama queen. I've got real problems.

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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Morning, Alis. How was work?

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Horrible! I got bitten on the calf by a hamster,

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and bitten on the hamstring by a calf!

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You never told me there were so many animals!

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Hang on, you're injured!

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Me? No. I was just pretending so you'd have to do the round for me.

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-It's called intelligence!

-That's not fair!

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-Dad, Dad!

-What? I'm just preparing some food

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for your brother. Help him get better.

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Not the beer. That's a kind of medicine for me.

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-He doesn't need to recover, there's nothing wrong with him!

-What?

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He was on his feet a moment ago, kicking a cushion about.

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I don't think so.

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-He's got a twisted ankle.

-No, he hasn't!

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Of course he has. Why would you be doing his round?

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I can see a bright light. Should I go towards the light?

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Please. Shut the door behind you.

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THUNDER CRASHES You rest, son.

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There's all the time in the world.

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I've taken three weeks' leave, so you take it easy.

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He's putting it on! There's nothing wrong with him!

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WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS

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Ralph! Aaron! It's time to take action.

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My gentle nature has been pushed too far. When I say William's lying,

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'no-one believes me. I need a way to make people listen.'

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My dad's a vicar, people believe what HE says.

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-'So, I should become a vicar?'

-Er, no. You need qualifications.

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Plus you wear a dress. I could ask Dad to do a sermon

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-on how evil William is.

-'But how do I make him believe me?'

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-Mr E!

-'My dog?'

-You want Alistair's dog to talk to my father?

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No. We train the dog to attack William.

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He will have to run away. Then everyone will see he's a faker.

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All right, Mr E, pay close attention.

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This sock belongs to the target, Mr William Fury.

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Imagine his leg

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is this dog biscuit.

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Now...

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-Attack!

-Go! Go! Go!

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Go! Go! Go!

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Didn't work. Let's try something else.

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This is William.

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This is food.

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Eat William Fury! Tear him to bits!

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Stupid dog!

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Four hours, and he still couldn't do it.

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We needed another way to spread the news.

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That's when it hit me.

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People believe what they read in the paper!

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So we made our own paper.

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Or, to be precise, our own page to insert into the real paper,

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to tell the world the truth about William's fake injury.

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Meet the staff.

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There's Misri, the technical whiz. He does all the printing.

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Excuse me, Alistair...

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There's Sanjay, he eats chocolate and makes sure Misri doesn't escape.

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And there's Aaron and Ralph, the intrepid paparazzi.

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The men who gather my evidence.

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TV COMES ON

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Just like the real thing!

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Well done, Misri. Excellent day's work.

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Sure about these stories about your brother?

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-It seems a little bit unfair.

-Unfair?! Me?!

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It's not personal. It's the press' responsibility

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to print the truth, no matter what.

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It's what makes us a free society.

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But is it right to be nasty about one person...?

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Now, to get these babies delivered.

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Can't wait to see what Mum and Dad'll do to him!

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Please, no! Dad...!

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-So disappointed in you.

-You're no son of mine!

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Dad, no, please! I'm really sorry!

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This is terrible!

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I can't believe you'd do this to your brother!

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-Me? What have I done?

-Putting these stories through everyone's door!

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But they're true! He was faking!

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How do you know these weren't real pages?

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Real papers don't say, "Big brothers are smelly fatheads."

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And your spelling. There's one L in "malingering".

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-Not six.

-We're gonna have to do something about this.

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-Extra spelling lessons.

-I mean his attitude.

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What is it? What drives you to behave in such an anti-social way?

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-He does!

-Channel your energies into something more helpful.

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Helpful? I'm doing his paper round for free.

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I think the best punishment for you

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would be to do a good deed for each one of us

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-to show you the value of being nice!

-WHAT?!

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Good idea. It's the only way.

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I want you each to choose a favour that Alistair can do.

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William.

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Erm...

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Yeah, I know what you can do for me, Alis.

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This apple juice is corked, Alistair! Take it back!

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Sean. What could Alistair do for you to lighten your heavy burden?

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That's a difficult one. I'm not used to thinking of myself.

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I usually help everyone else with their problems.

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OK. Melanie, what could Alistair do for you?

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-Erm... Dump my boyfriend.

-What?

-Yeah.

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Ditch Dave for me. I've had it up to here with his flippin' fish.

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-I don't know how to.

-It's time you found out.

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-Why? I don't WANT a boyfriend.

-Just say something like...

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It's just not really working.

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Mel needs space to find herself. She's not ready for a commitment.

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-It's not you, it's her.

-It's the tench.

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She doesn't like the tench!

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There are three people in this relationship.

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-Well, two people and a fish.

-But I love her!

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I can't bear to be without her!

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I really like Mel too!

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Sorry, Dave. This is the way things have to be.

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-HE SOBS

-Don't be like that.

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-There's plenty more fish in the sea.

-HE WAILS

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So, I suppose that only really leaves me, doesn't it?

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I don't want you to do any favours for me.

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Ooh! Except.. Perhaps there is one little thing.

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It's not even a favour, really.

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For tomorrow's show, the one for the proper telly,

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I've come up with my new angle -

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poverty.

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You what?

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I'm going to cook food and give it to poor people.

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It'll make me seem more relevant, more socially conscious.

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-What's that got to do with me?

-Well, you've got a poor friend.

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-'Arry or something?

-Aaron.

-That's him.

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Poor little mite! Bring him along to be a taster.

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It'll be fun! And it'll put some food in his empty belly.

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-That's a bad idea.

-Don't patronise me.

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Just send your hungry friend along to be fed.

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AGITATED SHOUTING

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She said what? "Send your hungry friend to be fed"?!

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I know, you're not a charity case.

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It's not that. Your mum's food, it's disgusting.

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We could slip one of Scaly Dave's tench into your parents' wardrobe.

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-It'll bite them!

-It can't, it's not alive.

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OK. So, you put a live fish in their wardrobe,

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in a tank. That might bite them.

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-But why would they put their hands in a tank?

-We put a sign on.

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-"These fish do not bite."

-Would they believe it?

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-It doesn't matter. Fish can't read.

-What?!

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Look, I need a revenge they can't criticize me for.

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-A good revenge. A helpful revenge.

-Like, a charity revenge?

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-Yes!

-A socially-conscious revenge!

-Precisely.

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If Mum wants to feed the hungry, we'll send her the hungry.

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-This looks like the place. You got the leaflets?

-Got them.

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Free food and a warm place to stay!

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-All welcome!

-Arrive 7:00! 7:00 sharp!

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Remember, it's that little twist of grapefruit

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that gives an eel an extra oomph.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-What's that?

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Sounds like I've got a hungry mouth to feed!

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Come on in, 'Arry!

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Oh!

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Evening, love.

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-We heard there was free grub?

-Um...

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-Ah... Slice of eel, anyone?

-Mmm!

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The operation isn't going quite to plan.

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I'm hoping for people a bit more toothless. A bit smellier!

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FLIES BUZZ

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Still, Mum'll hate having them in her kitchen,

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disrupting her show.

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This is lovely, Celia. Really exquisite.

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I think you could use a bit less grapefruit.

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-Do you?

-Mmm. It's fighting with the eel.

-Mmm.

-Instead,

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-maybe try a touch of paprika.

-Some mint would really set it off.

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This is the first meal I've had in a week.

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Cheers, it's fantastic.

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And...cut! That was fantastic, guys, best show we've done in ages.

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APPLAUSE

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Not going quite as planned.

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But at least the rest of the family won't like it.

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-So, do you actually sleep out on the streets?

-Some nights, yeah.

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It's rough. You have to get used to it.

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Most guys I meet have no experience.

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But you, you must have seen some awful things.

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Yah. I don't really like to talk about them.

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No. But I do.

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Sean, try this. I got it off a Chinese sailor at Liverpool Docks.

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Tell me, Tommy, where did you develop this taste for good food?

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I worked as a butler for a while -

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can't be too specific.

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Let's just say, she's on stamps.

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Really?

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Would you like to be on the show again? Next week?

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I'm thinking of sourcing my ingredients from actual skips.

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# Oh Danny boy

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# The pipes, the pipes are calling... #

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OK, so, the homeless men are nice, Mum's show's gone well,

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and the rest of the family like them!

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But wait until they stay overnight!

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That'll cause problems, won't it? Please!

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Have you thought about where they'll sleep?

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BOTH: Alistair's room!

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That was my thought.

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But it's small, I'm not sure three people will fit.

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Hmm...

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Hello, Revengers. Things have gone badly wrong.

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I'm sharing my bedroom, not with the homeless -

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I could deal with that - but with my family.

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They've given up their rooms

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and moved in with me. This can no longer be tolerated.

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Since the homeless men won't make a mess and do their jobs,

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I've arranged for visitors to do it for them.

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Silent, stealthy visitors who will come like a whisper in the night.

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-CRASH!

-Oh!

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-Be careful!

-We're supposed to be making a mess!

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Yeah, but a quiet mess, not a noisy mess!

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-You should shut your mouth!

-You should shut yours!

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-You're up early, Alistair.

-It's a bright new day, Mum.

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-Imagine what surprises it will bring.

-If you say so.

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Here it comes! One, two, three...!

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-Oh, lovely!

-Eh?

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Did you do this, Tommy?

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I took the liberty. Had a whizz round with the vacuum cleaner too.

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You see? This is what I mean about helping out.

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I'd like to see this attitude from you.

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-Milk, or lemon tea, ma'am?

-Lemon, lovely...

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-How did everybody sleep? Well, I hope.

-Not me.

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-Alis, your mattress is like a pile of elbows!

-I didn't sleep either.

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HE SNORES LOUDLY

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Perhaps I can cheer you all up...

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..with a full English breakfast.

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ALL: Wow!

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Look at this! With cups and saucers!

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Celia! Celia! There you are! Oh, fabulous news!

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The TV channel absolutely love you, and the new show!

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-The proper channel?

-Yes - last night's show with the hobos...

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-Good morning.

-...the homeless gentlemen...

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..was the angle they were after - a food show with a social conscience.

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We'll make Jamie Oliver look like Sweeney Todd!

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Well done. Great idea to invite them!

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And, while these...men are staying here,

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the proper channel will pay for the entire Fury family

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- to find alternative accommodation. - Where?

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Hotel Magnifico! Five-star luxury for the whole Fury family...

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-ALL CHEER

-Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

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-..apart from Alistair.

-What?!

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Aw(!)

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It doesn't extend to you, you didn't give up your room!

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-I did!

-No, Alis. Me, Will, Mum and Dad did.

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You have to find somewhere else.

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-CAR HORN BEEPS

-The limo...

-ALL: Limo?

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-..to take you to the helicopter.

-Wow!

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William should be the one to stay!

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-He's injured! He shouldn't be moved!

-That's a good point.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, maybe I ought to stay behind.

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But wait a minute...

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Hallelujah! It's a miracle! I'm cured!

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Yay!

0:20:580:20:59

It's not fair! He wasn't injured in the first place!

0:21:020:21:06

I hate them all! Mum told me to stay with Aaron,

0:21:060:21:09

but his mum said I couldn't - she said it was me

0:21:090:21:12

who told him to put a live fish in her wardrobe.

0:21:120:21:16

So I'm home alone. This injustice calls for a mega-revenge.

0:21:160:21:20

-A revenge to top all revenges.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

0:21:200:21:24

Your refreshments, Mr Fury.

0:21:260:21:29

Oh, right. Thanks.

0:21:290:21:31

As I was saying,

0:21:330:21:34

this calls for the greatest revenge in history.

0:21:340:21:38

Actually, that's quite nice.

0:21:430:21:45

Mmm. How's that curry coming along, Tommy?

0:21:450:21:49

Could be one of my better ones.

0:21:490:21:51

-I've come to wash my mug.

-No problems, I've got it.

0:21:530:21:57

-I should do my chores.

-No need, Mr Fury. It's all taken care of.

0:21:590:22:03

-Oh, right. Thanks.

-Yes! Yes, stay! You gonna stay...?

0:22:030:22:07

-You teaching my dog tricks?

-Yeah, it's a great dog, this.

0:22:070:22:11

Clever, lots of potential. Just needs mental stimulation.

0:22:110:22:15

Clever Mr E!

0:22:150:22:18

Who's a good Mr E? To the left! And to the right! Stay...!

0:22:220:22:26

Plans for getting my family out of that disgustingly nice hotel,

0:22:300:22:35

back into this disgustingly disgusting house.

0:22:350:22:38

Steve suggests we set off the fire alarms.

0:22:380:22:41

Emma from Newport, "Put something in the water."

0:22:410:22:44

-Laxatives?

-Crocodiles should have the same effect.

0:22:440:22:49

-SNUFFLING

-Aw, look at Mr E! Isn't that cute?

0:22:490:22:53

This dog's got so clever since Jim moved in.

0:22:530:22:57

The best way to get my family back is to hire a hot-air balloon,

0:22:570:23:01

-fill it with gerbils.

-Alistair, do you really want your family back?

0:23:010:23:06

-What?

-The house is a nicer place without them. You seem happier.

0:23:060:23:10

-Your dog just brought you biscuits.

-Never thought of it that way.

0:23:100:23:14

These men are the best family I've ever had.

0:23:140:23:18

Forget the Furys. They can rot in that luxury hotel for all I care.

0:23:180:23:23

Gentlemen, today's revenge is cancelled.

0:23:230:23:26

-Lovely morning, ain't it, chaps?

-Mmm. Sure is.

0:23:360:23:39

Oh, Al, I thought I could take Mr E for a run in the park later.

0:23:390:23:43

-Do you fancy it?

-Sounds good.

-Cool.

0:23:430:23:46

Ah, Tommy, there you are. I'll have hot milk on my cereal this morning.

0:23:460:23:51

What exactly do you call this?

0:23:510:23:53

-What?

-Page 6a.

0:23:540:23:58

"Local boy Alistair Fury this week scattered rubbish

0:23:580:24:03

"all over his house to make his homeless guests seem like slobs."

0:24:030:24:10

-I don't, I mean... I...

-How could you?!

0:24:120:24:15

After we've been so good to you?

0:24:150:24:17

I taught your dog all them tricks.

0:24:170:24:20

Tommy made you all those lovely biscuits.

0:24:200:24:23

I thought we'd found a home here, boys,

0:24:230:24:26

but, no, it's just like everywhere else.

0:24:260:24:29

-I'm... I'm sorry, I mean...

-Come on, lads.

0:24:290:24:32

I know where we're NOT wanted.

0:24:320:24:35

-DOOR SLAMS

-Who has the technical ability to...?

0:24:420:24:46

-Misri?

-Hello.

-Did you do this?

0:24:520:24:56

-Yes. And I used spell-checker this week.

-But why?

0:24:560:24:59

So the words are spelled correctly.

0:24:590:25:02

-Why did you print this?

-You said it's the press' responsibility to...

0:25:020:25:08

..print the truth, no matter. It makes us...

0:25:080:25:11

-..a free society.

-I didn't mean it. Print the truth, but not about me.

0:25:110:25:16

He's already done next week's,

0:25:160:25:18

about your love triangle with a boy and a fish.

0:25:180:25:23

So, our little holiday's over.

0:25:230:25:25

I've lost my new family, and, even worse,

0:25:250:25:29

-got the old one back.

-DOOR CLOSES

0:25:290:25:31

Alistair!

0:25:310:25:32

Alistair?

0:25:340:25:36

-Alistair!

-Punish him, Dad! He drove away Jim!

0:25:360:25:40

Brave Jim. The only man I could ever love!

0:25:400:25:43

He had us moved out of the hotel!

0:25:430:25:45

They had Global Sports III! I'm gonna miss the curling finals!

0:25:450:25:50

Everything's always about curling with you, Sean!

0:25:500:25:54

What about me? I've lost my one shot at real telly!

0:25:540:25:57

Cast back to the wilderness of the Wife Style Channel!

0:25:570:26:01

600 viewers a week, and that includes prisons!

0:26:010:26:05

At least everyone's unhappy, and William's stopped pretending,

0:26:050:26:09

so he gets his job back, no more paper round for me!

0:26:090:26:13

Alistair!

0:26:130:26:14

Alis!

0:26:160:26:17

You're in big trouble, Alis!

0:26:170:26:20

"Imagine his leg..."

0:26:200:26:22

is this dog biscuit.

0:26:220:26:24

-"Now, attack!"

-All right, Mr E? How's it hanging?

0:26:240:26:28

"Go! Go! Go!"

0:26:280:26:29

-Mr E! Get off, please...!

-DOG GROWLS

0:26:290:26:32

MR E CHOMPS, WILL SCREAMS

0:26:320:26:35

No, wait! It hurts!

0:26:390:26:40

MUM: What's the matter? What's happened?

0:26:400:26:43

MEL: That's disgusting! What's he done to it?

0:26:430:26:46

It's obvious, he's broken it.

0:26:460:26:49

Could be out of action for weeks. I'll book some time off.

0:26:490:26:53

That's just great(!)

0:26:530:26:55

THUNDER ROARS

0:26:580:27:01

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0:27:140:27:17

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0:27:170:27:19

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