The Luck of the Irish The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury

Answer me this - if my bedroom is the smallest room in the house,

why does the whole world live in it?

I'll show you why.

# Get her, get him

# Getting even ain't a sin

# Sister Mel and brother Will make 'em take a bitter pill

# Serve it up lukewarm

# Yes, the storm before the storm

# Oh, look out, world Your sandwich is cool

# Your tea's gone cold and now you're getting old

# You know, the boy with the camera He's gonna scam ya

# Harder than a Stonehenge It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #

Out! Roger and I need your sofa.

-What time is it?

-Time you were gone.

Where next?

Mum and Dad turned my sofa into a freebie love shack.

They made the dumb rule about no visitors in Mel and Will's bedrooms

after 10.30.

So we came up with a brilliant plan

to pay my brother and sister back big time.

Muddy mattresses just gave Mel and Will more reasons to use my bedroom.

So NOW I am gathering evidence

that my bedroom isn't big enough for three.

Ready, Snowy?

I don't call it a belly button.

I call it a Melly button.

Lovely.

It was my idea to get it pierced.

When Mel walks, it winks at me like the eye of a flirty Cyclops.

Just a bit busy at the moment, Roger.

You don't want a hand peeling those seahorses? I'd pull their legs off.

They don't have legs, Roger.

-You don't think this top and jeans makes me look fat?

-I like your fat.

I'm not fussy - you're my first ever girlfriend.

Other girls run away as soon as they hear me laugh.

-Have you heard the laugh yet?

-No, not yet.

Right.

Evidence gathered. Now to confront the parents.

I bring you proof that my bedroom is too small to swing a cat.

So tell Mel and Will to stay out!

-What did you do to Snowy?

-He bumped his head.

-Why are you such a liar?!

-Why are you so fat?

-If your room's too small, you can share with Will.

-Is that supposed to be a joke?

-Sharing with William!

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!

Time out.

Six days ago, William won £500 on the Premium Bonds.

-He went off to play hockey.

-Bye, darling.

Had a bit of a bang on the head...

And came back thinking he was a god.

I am the winner and you are the loser.

I am the chosen one and YOU have nothing.

Big fat lie! Because we had an agreement as Dad very well knew.

Dad, you said if one of us won on Premium Bonds, we'd share the money.

-Did I?

-That's why we've got the agreement.

-Because you wrote it.

-And signed it.

-The only signature.

-It's not an agreement unless we all sign it.

-It is legal.

-It's not.

-It is a piece of paper, though.

-It is.

-So I wasn't wasting my time?

-You weren't wasting your time, Alistair.

-It is a piece of paper.

-Good.

The point is - with the £500 we should have shared,

William bought himself a telly and has been in his bedroom ever since.

AAARRRGGGGHHHH!

Refusing to wash and living off pizzas.

Which is why his room smells like there's a lion living in it!

No, I don't want to share with him.

-< Miaow!

-Stop, it's not real! Alice!

My cat's scared to death cos of what you did to Snowy.

If anyone wants me, I'll be in my shoebox.

It's gleaming that car is now.

-Last time I saw a car that gleamy was Princess Di's funeral.

-Careful!

-Napoleon's trying to get out.

-Miaow!

VERY LOUD MIAOWING Yeah, seems to be stuck.

-Good news - I bought a new car.

-How much for?

-Only £5,000.

-We haven't got £5,000!

-That's where you're wrong.

-I'll get £350 for the old car.

-Cos it's "gleamy"?

And the rest is gonna come from this.

-A Lottery ticket.

-Not just any old Lottery ticket.

The WINNING Lottery ticket. Look - 16 and 32.

Good, huh? The only thing bothering me is 19.

You've got to take a risk sometimes.

You're pinning our future on a Lottery ticket!

-I'm wearing my lucky pants.

-You bought them before we were married!

They worked then and they can work now.

I'm crazy, pinning our future on a Lottery ticket but I'm feeling lucky!

-It does help.

-William's win made me realise you could be dead tomorrow.

-You could be dead in a few minutes!

-I'll live for today.

-So irritating!

-He won't come out.

-Ooh, bit of a tum-tum there, Miss Melly-Tubby.

-ROGER LAUGHS LIKE A DONKEY You're not pregnant?

-Not funny.

He's been sniffing car polish again.

-I'll have to look out my slippers if I'm to be a grandfather.

-Grow up!

-CAT YOWLS

-He's so dumped.

-Mel's pregnant!

-I heard Dad say it. It's a disaster.

Cos you'll be forced to move in with stinking-rich Will?

No, if Mel is pregnant we can't POSSIBLY do any revenges on her.

-We're not savages.

-Sadly not, no.

-What's that in your bath?

-Jellyfish.

-I thought they were sponges.

Mum's new cookery book is Seafood And Cook It.

Jellyfish and ice cream.

Bad news - we can't do any revenges on Will and Mel

for invading HIS bedroom.

-We had plans?

-Operation Love Hurts. It was going to be a triumph.

If any uninvited guests came in - vooomph! Down they'd go.

Was I here when we made these plans?

This was taking out all the flaps on the sofa of love

so that it ate any kissing couples.

-I was definitely away THIS day.

-No - you came up with stage three.

An advertising campaign to lure Mel and Will into the trap.

"Pizza couch - for all your pizza and snogging needs. A pizza for all.

-"And snogging too."

-Just across the landing.

-Will likes pizza, then?

He won £500 on Premium Bonds and won't share any of it with Alistair.

So we're luring him into the sofa.

No, that revenge is for SNOGGING on the sofa.

The Premium Bond revenge is next.

We must do them in order or we won't know what we're doing.

-I

-don't know what I'm doing.

Well, we can't activate Love Hurts until we know if Mel's pregnant.

How?!

-Steal a baby?

-Not stealing, borrowing it.

Reggie emailed doctorrevenge.com -

when his mother was pregnant with his sister, she cried all the time.

Mainly at puppies and babies. So we're showing baby Wayne to Mel.

To see if he makes her cry. Come on.

Hello, Mary. We've been sent by Alistair.

Can we borrow your baby for a quick experiment?

Not a dangerous one involving goggles and sulphuric acid.

One involving love and hormones. We'll bring him back.

Whatever.

-Just come to see Alistair.

-Hello, baby Wayney.

Say hello!

-Did you know Napoleon's stuck in his cat flap?

-Yes.

That's why he's got a tea cosy on his head - to keep his ears warm.

-And the magazine?

-Oh, to read in case he gets bored.

-What are you staring at?

-Should you be doing that now that you're...?

Now that I'm what?

THEY ALL HUM ROCK-A-BYE-BABY

Look at this, Mel. It's your cousin, baby Wayne. Do you want to cry?

-No.

-Don't you even want to cuddle him?

Cuddle THAT?!

We were pretty sure she wasn't pregnant so it was full steam ahead.

Only the next morning it all went pear-shaped.

Here we go!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, hello, Alistair.

-Granny, what are you doing here with that?

Let's get one thing straight - I refuse to be your slave!

Now, look here, YOU!

Bring that suitcase up to my room.

What room?

Right, put that there.

Hang on now.

-Hold these.

-How long are you staying?

-Why? Do you not like sharing with your big brother?

-What?!

Calling all revengers, calling all revengers.

My life is in danger but I'm going in. I may be gone for some time.

Hello, William. It's Alistair. Can I come in?

-Good to share your room.

-Get off my floor. You're making it dirty.

It's gonna be great - you and me, mucking in together.

-Are you watching my telly?

-No, no! We're going to have so much fun.

HE BELCHES AND BREAKS WIND

Can't wait.

-I can't teach you how to drive, you're 97.

-I'm 69!

And I only need refreshing. I've driven before.

-Why do you need refreshing?

-I can't rely on my useless son any more.

I had to walk here last Sunday - you were too lazy to pick me up.

-I don't remember that.

-Oh, I think you do.

Abandoned! And me with my pop-out hip!

Did I say I'd pick you up? I told Alistair to do it. Did he not?

Alistair! Why didn't you pick your granny up?

-I can't drive!

-He says he can't drive.

-Anyway, I can't teach you to drive. I haven't got a car. BOTH:

-You have!

The new owner's picking it up in two days.

No problem. I take the test in two days. I'll be finished by then.

I've greased as much of him as I can.

Mush, mush. Come on!

Miaow!

I'll see you at 6.30am for my first lesson.

I'll be in the sitting room watching the telly.

-Where's that lazy Alistair?

-Constance.

It's just about OK disturbing us at midnight but not the children.

-I only want a cup of tea and a Marmite sandwich.

-I'll make it.

-Alistair is asleep.

-OK.

Calling Ralph and Aaron.

Meet me in secret meeting place first thing tomorrow morning

-to plan mega-revenge on William for being rich pig.

-<

-Alice?

Couldn't I have a duvet?

Well, that's summat I can spare.

Lo-o-o-oser!

And as for you!

SHE BARKS LIKE A DOG

MIAOW!

Thought that might do the trick.

Miaow.

You can stay there for all I care.

-MUMMY!

->

Not only am I dealing with a stupid fat cat but your stupid fat father

has sold the car, and I still haven't started my octopi pie.

-William blew his nose on me.

-Can't you live in peace for one night?

-He's jealous of my money.

-If I had some, I could stay in a hotel.

-What is that stink?

-It smelled nice until he moved in.

I can't sleep on a chest of drawers.

Fine, I'll sort you out a bed as well!

CRASHING AND THUMPING

LOUD CRASH

Oh, no! Not the sofa of love!

-You sleep on that.

-But I don't...

-Just get on it!

Properly!

Yeah.

Now everybody's happy. Good night!

Alistair! Alistair! Are you all right?

-FEEBLY:

-No.

Good.

WILL BELCHES VERY LOUDLY

Oh, no, Mum, the car's broken.

We can't do that driving lesson. Maybe you'd better head back to bed.

Fear is weakness, Sean. I'm watching you.

Fellow revengers, this is a secret meeting taking place in secret.

The following people may be present - Ralph, Aaron, and me, Alistair

but I can't say.

Those may be my feet. Maybe not.

I'll get my glasses. You wash your hands, then we'll go driving.

And don't put soap in your eyes like you did that other time.

-I was ten!

-I'll ten you! Cheeky monkey.

Morning.

I didn't go to bed till three in the morning.

-I created a fish dish for your mother.

-What is it?

-Old trout.

And then I couldn't sleep worrying about Napoleon.

-Miaow!

-He does look vulnerable in that position.

Yes!

So I knitted him a pair of trousers to cover him up.

-<

-Miaow!

NAPOLEON GROWLS

-Mum, is this normal?

-Oh, thank God! I mean, oh, look at that.

It's the hospital for you, girl.

Mel's got a disgusting bellybutton, full of pus. We'll have to cancel.

Mum?!

Why is this meeting secret, Aaron?

-We're planning Operation Money Is The Revenge Of All Evil.

-Hold it up.

-And who is evil?

-BOTH: We are!

-And what's the plan?

To pay back your family for putting love of money before love of you.

-How?

-By making them think they're rich beyond their wildest dreams

-because your dad's won the Lottery.

-And the evil twist?

-When we tell them it's not true.

-Alistair!

-Was it YOU who built the mantrap?

-Hello, Mummy.

Your legs don't appear to be broken,

but I can't take you for a driving lesson after a shock like that.

-Nonsense! Have you found that wicked boy?

-Sorry, Granny.

Sorry's not good enough, Alistair.

Send your cowardly father away. I have a proposition for you.

What did she say?

Give her a driving lesson or she lives in my bedroom for ever.

I won't do it!

OK. Bring it on!

YES!

With Dad and Gran out of the house, Mum cooking, Will in bed,

and Mel swabbing her Melly button, we had the garden to ourselves.

16!

19!

41!

And the balls in descending order.

Three!

16!

19!

25!

19!

25!

16!

32!

And tonight's winner is -

Sean Fury from Atrocity Road!

TYRES SCREECH

Call yourself a teacher!

I couldn't see out that windscreen because of the flies on that suit!

You've broken the car.

She smashed anything in her way.

-Am I right in thinking this car has now lost its gleam?

-Meaning what?

We owe £5,000 for the new car and now we have no money to pay for it.

Technically, you're correct. But you're forgetting just one thing.

-TV:

-'Good luck to all ticket-holders...'

You're not going to win, Sean.

Never underestimate the lucky pants.

-TV:

-'There they go! First out is...'

19!

My number!

-Get out of the way, Mystery.

-Get out of the way, Alistair.

-TV:

-'You lucky people.'

-Will, Mel, the Lottery's on.

-It could be me!

-Number...

-16!

-That's three out of three.

-Number...

-25!

-25!

-TV:

-Two to go!

-Thirty...

-41!

41. We just need one more. Come on, number three!

-TV:

-'And here comes the last one...'

-Three!

We've won!

I don't believe it! I don't believe it!

WE WON!

We've won! We've won, Alistair.

We've won! We've won! We've won!

MEL SCREAMS

THEY WHOOP AND CHEER

-We're rich!

-Stop squeezing so hard. My bellybutton's burst.

-On me!

-We'll buy you a new one.

-And a new bellybutton.

-Mini-pizzas for the rest of my life?

-Whatever you like.

-But only if you have a bath.

-OK.

-I love you!

And you. For the first time in my life, I'm a winner.

I mean, here. It's not the money that's made me rich, it's you.

My gorgeous, clever family and it's for all of us. Especially you.

I was wrong to let Will keep that £500 win. I'm gonna put it right.

Starting now - £5,000 each for you, Mel AND Will.

And that's just for starters!

Oops!

-At the group hug I could see things starting to go wrong.

-But it worked. >

They think they're rich and you broke their hearts by saying they're not.

I couldn't bring myself to say it.

-They still think they've won?

-Dad's buying a new car.

-Blimey!

-I wouldn't want to be you when he finds out.

-Me neither. Ralph...

-Aaron. Fare ye well.

-Are you going somewhere?

I'll stow away in Granny's car and leave a note for Mum and Dad.

-Take me chances in the big wide world.

-So you ARE going.

Goodbye.

So what is your stopping distance

if your vehicle is travelling at 30mph?

-Plough on - knock the building down.

-How did you learn that?

-In the war.

Driving Sherman tanks.

I turn to ask a question - WHY are you wearing THAT?

Since my bellybutton burst, it hurts bumping into furniture.

-Have you seen Napoleon?

-He's not in his cat flap?

-He must have suddenly got thin.

-He's in airing cupboard.

-That's better.

-Were you in the bath all night?

-Yes.

-Good job we had those sponges.

-What sponges?

-Floating in the bath.

-Huh! Those were jellyfish!

-Well, we are the proud owners of a car again.

-How did you pay for that?

Showed the guy my ticket. Said I could owe him.

-Can I take my driving test now?

-Your examiner's outside.

-In that case, I won't be needing this any more.

-What are you doing?

-You can't take it in that.

-On the contrary, I'm guaranteed to pass!

-No man can resist a woman in swimwear.

-I think they probably can.

-What are you doing?!

-Keep it on.

-For goodness sake.

ENGINE STALLS

ENGINE STARTS AGAIN

GEARS CRUNCH

LOUD CRASH

GLASS SMASHES

I guess I'll have to buy another new car.

-In fact, maybe I'll buy six.

-I don't think you will.

-Hmm?

You didn't win the Lottery. It was Alistair's little joke.

Er, hello.

I was trying to run away from home

but Granny only got 50 yards before she crashed into a skip.

Any chance of my old room back?

Morning, fellow revengers.

I'm web-casting from my new bedroom. It's even smaller than my last one.

My old room was taken over by someone else.

Turns out HE wasn't fat after all!

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