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Street diary - day 115...
Final chewing gum ran out yesterday, cannibalism now the only option.
I reckon I may survive another week, if I gnaw off my own foot.
I hope and pray my ordeal will soon be over.
Why are you talking to your phone?
I'm sharing the horrific boredom of standing in this queue for two days
with the Revengers on my website, doctorrevenge.com.
-Are you Doctor Revenge?
And I'm about to share the story
-of how I came to be here in the first place.
-Mind if I listen in?
Please yourself. But...it won't be pretty.
# Oh, get her, get him
# Gettin' even ain't a sin
# Sister, Mel and brother, Will
# Make 'em take a bitter pill
# Serve it up luke warm
# It's the song before the storm
# Oh, look out world
# Your sandwich is cooked
# Your tea's gone cold and now you're getting old
# You know the boy with the camera
# He's gonna scam ya
# Harder than Stonehenge
# It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #
'It started off as just and ordinary day.
'Dad was moaning about his back,
'and Mel was expecting a visit from ANOTHER boyfriend.'
HE MOANS "For your convenience,
"The Slumbermeister 9,000 also features 97 orthopaedic motors
"to assist in body posture." HE GROANS
"The Slumbermeister 9,000
"also has the latest in stereo speaker technology
"built into the cushion area." Oh, yeah!
-This is just what I need for my bad back.
-Dad, you don't have a bad back.
I do. I've been suffering in silence for too long.
I need the Slumbermeister 9,000.
I just need to convince your mum to give me the money to buy it.
First stage - gotta leave this where she'll see it.
-Where should I leave it?
-The fridge. She's always in there.
'When Mel greets a boyfriend,
'it's like one of those wildlife programmes, isn't it?
-'A lion snacking on a zebra.'
-LION GROWLS AND MUNCHES
'Steve The Dream.
'What makes Steve different from the other million boyfriends
-'is that he's actually nice.'
Get lost, Alis!
-Can't anyone have a little privacy around here?!
'I'm hoping, that if she doesn't eat him first,
'Mel will marry Steve and at last,
'I'll have someone in the family on my side.'
Actually, Mel, Alistair's right.
The moon IS made of green cheese.
NASA has confirmed it.
In fact, Alistair is almost always right.
And I think it's about time you all listened to him. Don't you?
-Yes, we should!
-We really are very sorry.
-I don't think you should call him Alis any more.
Well, he's my brother. I'll call him what I want.
If I call him Alis, what are YOU gonna do about it?
HE GROWLS AND CHEWS
'That's how life should be.
'How I thought it might be,
'until later that day, when Mel was on the phone...'
-You're so bad, Travis.
'Travis The Terrible.'
Of course I'm gonna dump Steve. I'm waiting for the right moment.
-Have you got two boyfriends on the go?
I can't even get one girlfriend
-and you've got two blokes after you.
First meeting of the Revengers is now in session.
-I thought it was in the shed.
When a meeting starts, it's in session
and usually there's someone to take the minutes.
-I can do that.
First item of business, REVENGE on Mel's new boyfriend.
-I thought you liked Steve.
-Not Steve! Travis!
Steve's her ex-boyfriend.
He just doesn't know it yet, and I HATE Travis.
-This is Travis, and we need your sofa.
-Hey, Frodo, shift!
Let me clarify...
MEL AND TRAVIS KISS
Travis must pay for that! And for making Mel dump Steve.
I need a special revenge. Suggestions?
Drop a piano from a tall building,
just as Travis is walking underneath. Splat!
Love it in theory, but...
Waste of a piano.
Let's go to...the vault!
HINGES CREAK SPOOKILY
Mum's chorizo and pilchard curry caused explosive diarrhoea
in everyone who tried it three weeks ago.
-Imagine what leftovers could do now.
TRAVIS FARTS LOUDLY
Would you like to hear my special fart? I call it Mega Death.
Maybe another time. I was eager to share this revenge
with my fellow Revengers on my webcam.
But when I got back to my room...
-It was gone!
What kind of monster could have done such a thing?
You're finding your next girlfriend on the internet?
-That's the most dangerous way of dating.
-I can do it safely.
-Why do it at all?
-I've already been out with the hot girls in school,
so I start going out with the non-hotties, no way, or go wider.
Thanks for inviting me in to watch, but...
I just thought...that you might know a few dating sites. That's all.
Why didn't you say so?! Shift!
OK, I've registered your profile with 58 of the best dating sites.
So far, you've got...mmm...
27 e-mails responding to that profile.
Now I usually wait until I've got about 300,
then I reply to the best 10 prospects.
Mum! Will's got my computer and didn't ask to borrow it.
-It's not fair. Do something about it.
-Go away, Alistair.
-Did you hear me?!
-Yes, I did!
William's got the computer. The family computer. Boo-hoo!
If that's the worst that ever happens to you, I envy you!
Have you seen the paper?!
-Jubilee Hargrove has got her own cooking spot on the BBC!
Jubilee Hargorve! The woman can't even boil an egg
without an ambulance crew standing by.
Real television while I'm still stuck on cable!
I have got to raise my celebrity chef profile!
I've got to! It's now or never!
There is no justice in this world, Alistair. None!
Mmm...that was kind of my point.
Go on. Go on. Go on!
Oh! Aw, God, my back!
Oh, the pain!
-Oh, it's you, Alistair. I thought it was your mum.
Will stole the computer from my room without asking.
The curse of the Fury men, we see what we want and we grab it.
That's how I strained my back at work, reaching for the last doughnut.
So what about the computer?!
What would make me feel better is an orthopaedic bed.
Mention it to your mum when you next see her.
Make it sound like your idea. ALISTAIR SIGHS
It's at these moments
when conventional sources of justice are denied,
-that you turn to...
'Step one - Ralph had to borrow his dad's computer.'
'Next, I got him to long onto Will's Find A Honey page,
'using Will's password, superstar.
'Then, replace his profile photo
'with the one on the memory stick I gave him.
'And finally, in Will's hobbies section, I got him to delete rugby,
'sports and James Bond films,
'and put in links to Friends of the Ballet,
'and the Panto Dame Appreciation Society.'
Wow! Ralph helped you get revenge on your brother?
Yep, while I worked on a very special revenge for Travis.
TRAVIS AND MEL KISS
'The teapot of terror revenge was genius,
'because the poo potion would only affect Travis,
'cos Mel hates tea.'
-Nothing. Didn't know you drank tea.
-It's not for me.
-Ooh, anyone I know?
-It's Mum's producer, Michael.
Alistair, you've grown. Sadly not enough.
Right! Michael, mission -
profile raising. Objective - me on the BBC! Question -
There are many variables here.
-It's a swamp...
-HIS STOMACH RUMBLES
HE FARTS LOUDLY
I...oh, excuse me.
Ooh, ah, erm, anyway, as I was saying,
We need a strategy that isn't just a lot of hot air!
HIS STOMACH RUMBLES AND HE FARTS
-HE CONTINUES FARTING
I honestly didn't hear Mum. I was busy hiding.
But I haven't forgotten about the revenge on Mel and Travis.
'My fellow Revenger was already out putting the dumper boyfriend
'by snaffling his SIM card revenge into operation.'
-HIS STOMACH RUMBLES
-Ooh. Ah, thank you.
No, no, I don't think my insides will be able to take it.
-Let's get straight down to work.
You need your profile raising. I've got just the thing.
STOMACH CONTINUES TO RUMBLE
Oh! A sandwich toaster.
No. Well, yes. But not just ANY sandwich toaster.
The Celia Fury Crisp'n'Crunchy Sandwich Sultan.
I haven't quite finished designing the box.
By endorsing this product, we get your name into the shops,
onto the bus shelters, onto the supermarket magazines.
Even the BBC won't be able to ignore your utter celebrity.
They'll see someone who merits...
nay, DESERVES their own prime-time cookery show.
So simple a child could use it.
You have to say something about children.
What has a sandwich toaster got to do with any of this?
I'm just building suspense.
-What about Travis? Did you just forget about him?
-Forget? Oh no.
Aaron had sent Mel two texts
using the SIM card he had snaffled from Travis's phone,
so it looked like the texts had come from Travis.
The first one read...
"Meet me behind newsagent for non-stop snog sesh.
And the second one read,
"Mel, ignore last message,
"meant to send it to Sharon Hughes, love, Travis."
'Meanwhile, the Will the Wallflower revenge was bubbling along nicely.'
-Let's talk about my Find A Honey page.
You've got a Find A Honey page?
'I'll draw a veil over the rest of this
'for viewers of a nervous disposition.'
And you're not coming out!
'Will wasn't happy with what I'd done to his Find A Honey page.'
Help! Help! Let me out!
Let me out!
By the way... Ooh! ..I've put the computer webcam back in your room.
I use the school computers to send my girlfriend e-mails.
-I think yours has a virus.
-You've given my computer a virus?!
Get me out! Let me out!
-You haven't been to school.
-What are you breathing?
-You don't want to know.
I'll get Will for this.
I know what would be a good revenge -
embarrass him on his first date with his new girlfriend
-by her not turning up.
-He doesn't have a new girlfriend.
Unless, Aaron, you've got to make William fall in love with you.
-But I'm a boy.
-He doesn't know that.
You e-mail him as a girl called Aariella Lovelybits or something,
arrange a date and then stand him up.
What do you think, Alistair?
HE GASPS FOR AIR
'Attention, fellow revengers. I've got a computer virus,
'so you may see some weird stuff for a bit.
Which one do you think for my new publicity photos?
The purple or lilac?
"The Slumbermeister 9,000 is guaranteed to slightly improve
"your back or else you can return it for a 6% refund of purchase price."
Who could refuse an offer like that?
Come on, Celia.
with a remote control...
HE GROANS ..and a back massager.
Oh, and a chocolate biscuit dispenser.
I need this bed. Look at me.
Look at me. I'm a shadow of my former self
and it's getting worse.
You wouldn't want to see me totally immobile?
How would I tell the difference?
-So I can order one?
-I think purple.
It says, "Fashionable, but knows risotto."
So you're not saying no?
Hello, Slumbermeister telesales?
Yeah... I'd like to order the 9,000, please.
47 Atrocity Road...
'By the next morning, Dad's bed had arrived.
'And Mum was getting to grips with her sandwich maker.'
Mum, I'm so hungry, have you got anything...?
-It's only the future of snackertainment.
-Woah! Can I have a go?
Be my guest.
It's supposed to be so simple a child could use it.
So perhaps you could get it to work. I can't.
Come in. Look, look, look, look.
It's the Rolls-Royce of beds. Huh?
Huh? Isn't that incredible? Hmm?
He tried to make a sandwich and now Mum's taken him to the hospital.
Oh, well. I'll just show him later.
Now, watch this. Ahh!
Now this bed is special and no-one must touch it
or the remote control - it was very expensive.
So expensive I think I can only buy Christmas presents for two of you.
'I know what that means. No Christmas pressies for me.
'It is so not fair,
'especially as Will's about to get a birthday party at the Chicken Shack
'and an enormous birthday pressie!'
Ah, William, about your enormous birthday present.
-Yeah, I'm afraid I'm in no fit state to buy it.
So, what I want you to do
is to pop down to Crosspatch Games tomorrow
and buy yourself a new PU-360 game console.
Then bring it back, wrap it
and put a label on it saying, "To William, all my love, Dad."
And in smaller letters, "And Mum."
Then give it to me so I can give it to you for your birthday.
Oh, and take Alistair with you if you need a hand.
'Not only is he getting a whacking great birthday present,
-'I'm going to...'
-Alistair, shift, I need your bedroom.
I'm busy. Snog somewhere else.
There is nowhere else. Mum's rules - no visitors in bedrooms.
Now get out. Travis wants to apologise to me.
Babe, I've got nothing to apologise for. I didn't send any messages.
-But I'll apologise anyway -
again. Bye, Ali Baba!
It's stopped. Come on.
No, it seems to be coming from...
You sewed a musical chip into your sister's knickers?!
Yip! And it worked great.
Put Travis off Mel which led to a massive argument
and he stormed out never to be seen again.
Now it was time for a revenge on Dad
for spending all my Christmas present money on a minging bed!
Right, so now I have to go to the vet!
-The cat got its tail caught in the Sandwich Sultan.
-Hmm. I thought it tasted a bit furry.
-Now, listen, Sean.
When I'm gone, you might actually have to get out of bed.
-I may not be back in time
for the new Sandwich Sultan being delivered.
Leave the bed? Get out of the nice comfy bed?
-What if my legs don't work any more?
-Sean, it's important.
Michael has got me and the Sandwich Sultan
a 90-second slot on the Yummy Show on BBC Three.
-Finally, proper TV.
-Actually, BBC Three is a cable channel.
Shut up, Sean. It's the BBC.
And if I'm going to use a sandwich maker named after me, live,
on air, I'd rather one that doesn't kill people. Understand?
If that doorbell rings, you answer it.
OK. Very important. "Answer it."
Time for a gameshow.
The webcam is mended.
And a big thank you to little brother Max from Atlanta, Georgia
who suggested I reprogramme Dad's TV remote to the same frequency
as the remote control that controls the bed.
What's going on?
Is that when I came into the story, 36 hours ago?
No! 36 hours and two minutes.
For two minutes was how long it took
for Will to wriggle out of waiting with me.
He said the PU-360 doesn't go on sale for another 48 hours.
And we've got to queue!
-Queue up? Two days? We can't.
I've got a date with Aariella Lovelybits in three hours.
-I need that time to get ready.
-Dad said you had to help me.
If you don't then I'll tell him
and with all the pain he's in, he'll disown you
and get something useful, like a tortoise, instead.
If you do it, I'll let you play on the PU-360 one minute a week.
-10. Final offer.
-OK. But I want it in writing.
To sum up. Dad's Bed-eater revenge - success.
Mel's SIM card revenge - success.
And Will's Wallflower revenge - succ...
Will! Eugh! Disgusting.
Guess what, Alis?
-Aariella Lovelybits didn't turn up to lunch.
But Aaron Price did.
-Well, sometimes lovely.
-He said he felt guilty.
He cried in front of people. He apologised.
And he thinks I'm sensitive!
Argh! Is that your rugby sock?
Mmm. And it's still wet.
-Is he always like that?
-No. Sometimes he's a real pig.
-No... ..Hello, Alistair.
No, Mel, I'm sorry. Leave me alone. I told you it's over.
I don't talk to anyone who dumps me.
-She didn't dump you.
What else would you call sending me a text that says,
-"You smell, love, Mel?"
That might have been me.
I had a copy of Mel's SIM card and after Travis stomped off,
to make sure he'd never come back, I sent him a text
and maybe I sent it to you by accident.
That's great you stick up for your big sister,
but, I'm sorry, it's over.
I hate technology!
I believe you, Alis.
Not the hockey sock!
the PU-360s have arrived, come on!
OK, I've had to elbow aside three six-year-olds and a granny,
but here is Will's PU-360.
Alistair, that's brilliant. Well done.
Now take it back.
-OK, I'll get the wrapping paper. What?!
-Take it back.
We can't afford it.
I've just spent two days queuing on a pavement.
I'm sorry, but between this bed and your mum's sandwich maker,
the electricity meter's gone rocketing
and Mel wants a brand new mobile with hi-tech anti-tampering features.
I bet she does.
According to my sums. We either have to return that or this bed...
-That's 48 hours of my life wasted!
-Oh, well, what you gonna do?
# Revenge, revenge, revenge... #
Oh! Alistair, don't go anywhere. I need you.
Since I discovered BBC Three are sending cameras for a live link-up.
They want a child to demonstrate the Sandwich Sultan.
I'm not going near that deathtrap!
Don't be silly, darling.
Melanie and William aren't dead.
And technically it was your fault your father was trapped in his bed
when the safe Sandwich Sultan arrived.
So now it's back in Taiwan,
So, come on, darling. Be a sport.
To help Mummy's career.
Sometimes I think you don't deserve me.
Oh, thank you, darling.
My lovely son, Albert...Alistair,
will demonstrate that my Sandwich Sultan is so simple
a child could use it.
ALISTAIR SCREAMS LOUDLY
Children's entertainment with the angry young man.
While queuing for two days for a new Pu 360 games console at his local computer game shop - not for himself, of course, but for his big brother, William - Alistair passes the time by telling the young girl next to him how a great Revenger must master technology if he or she wants to enjoy success.