Technology Bytes The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury


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Street diary - day 115...

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Final chewing gum ran out yesterday, cannibalism now the only option.

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I reckon I may survive another week, if I gnaw off my own foot.

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I hope and pray my ordeal will soon be over.

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Why are you talking to your phone?

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I'm sharing the horrific boredom of standing in this queue for two days

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with the Revengers on my website, doctorrevenge.com.

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-Are you Doctor Revenge?

-Yep.

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And I'm about to share the story

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-of how I came to be here in the first place.

-Mind if I listen in?

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Please yourself. But...it won't be pretty.

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DIALS PHONE

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# Oh, get her, get him

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# Gettin' even ain't a sin

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# Sister, Mel and brother, Will

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# Make 'em take a bitter pill

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# Serve it up luke warm

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# It's the song before the storm

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# Oh, look out world

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# Your sandwich is cooked

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# Your tea's gone cold and now you're getting old

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# You know the boy with the camera

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# He's gonna scam ya

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# Harder than Stonehenge

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# It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #

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'It started off as just and ordinary day.

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'Dad was moaning about his back,

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'and Mel was expecting a visit from ANOTHER boyfriend.'

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HE MOANS "For your convenience,

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"The Slumbermeister 9,000 also features 97 orthopaedic motors

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"to assist in body posture." HE GROANS

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"The Slumbermeister 9,000

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"also has the latest in stereo speaker technology

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"built into the cushion area." Oh, yeah!

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-This is just what I need for my bad back.

-Dad, you don't have a bad back.

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I do. I've been suffering in silence for too long.

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I need the Slumbermeister 9,000.

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I just need to convince your mum to give me the money to buy it.

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First stage - gotta leave this where she'll see it.

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-Where should I leave it?

-The fridge. She's always in there.

-Great idea!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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-Hi...

-Steve!

-Oh, oohh!

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'When Mel greets a boyfriend,

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'it's like one of those wildlife programmes, isn't it?

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-'A lion snacking on a zebra.'

-LION GROWLS AND MUNCHES

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'Steve The Dream.

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'What makes Steve different from the other million boyfriends

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-'is that he's actually nice.'

-MEL GROWLS

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Get lost, Alis!

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-Can't anyone have a little privacy around here?!

-Ooh, ah!

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'I'm hoping, that if she doesn't eat him first,

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'Mel will marry Steve and at last,

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'I'll have someone in the family on my side.'

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Actually, Mel, Alistair's right.

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The moon IS made of green cheese.

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NASA has confirmed it.

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In fact, Alistair is almost always right.

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And I think it's about time you all listened to him. Don't you?

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-Yes, we should!

-We really are very sorry.

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-I don't think you should call him Alis any more.

-Oh, yeah?

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Well, he's my brother. I'll call him what I want.

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If I call him Alis, what are YOU gonna do about it?

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HE GROWLS AND CHEWS

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'That's how life should be.

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'How I thought it might be,

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'until later that day, when Mel was on the phone...'

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-SHE LAUGHS

-You're so bad, Travis.

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'Travis The Terrible.'

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Of course I'm gonna dump Steve. I'm waiting for the right moment.

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-Have you got two boyfriends on the go?

-Maybe!

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I can't even get one girlfriend

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-and you've got two blokes after you.

-Jealous?

-No.

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First meeting of the Revengers is now in session.

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-I thought it was in the shed.

-No!

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When a meeting starts, it's in session

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and usually there's someone to take the minutes.

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-I can do that.

-OK. Go.

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First item of business, REVENGE on Mel's new boyfriend.

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DOG GROWLS

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-I thought you liked Steve.

-Not Steve! Travis!

-Ten seconds.

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Steve's her ex-boyfriend.

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He just doesn't know it yet, and I HATE Travis.

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-This is Travis, and we need your sofa.

-Sorry, busy.

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-Hey, Frodo, shift!

-No!

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Let me clarify...

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HE LAUGHS

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MEL AND TRAVIS KISS

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Travis must pay for that! And for making Mel dump Steve.

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I need a special revenge. Suggestions?

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Drop a piano from a tall building,

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just as Travis is walking underneath. Splat!

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Love it in theory, but...

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Waste of a piano.

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Let's go to...the vault!

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HINGES CREAK SPOOKILY

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Mum's chorizo and pilchard curry caused explosive diarrhoea

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in everyone who tried it three weeks ago.

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-Imagine what leftovers could do now.

-ALL: Ohh.

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TRAVIS FARTS LOUDLY

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Would you like to hear my special fart? I call it Mega Death.

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Maybe another time. I was eager to share this revenge

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with my fellow Revengers on my webcam.

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But when I got back to my room...

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-It was gone!

-But where?!

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What kind of monster could have done such a thing?

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You're finding your next girlfriend on the internet?

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-That's the most dangerous way of dating.

-I can do it safely.

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-Why do it at all?

-I've already been out with the hot girls in school,

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so I start going out with the non-hotties, no way, or go wider.

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Thanks for inviting me in to watch, but...

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I just thought...that you might know a few dating sites. That's all.

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Why didn't you say so?! Shift!

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OK, I've registered your profile with 58 of the best dating sites.

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So far, you've got...mmm...

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27 e-mails responding to that profile.

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Now I usually wait until I've got about 300,

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then I reply to the best 10 prospects.

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Mum! Will's got my computer and didn't ask to borrow it.

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-It's not fair. Do something about it.

-Go away, Alistair.

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-Did you hear me?!

-Yes, I did!

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William's got the computer. The family computer. Boo-hoo!

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If that's the worst that ever happens to you, I envy you!

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Have you seen the paper?!

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-Oh, no.

-Jubilee Hargrove has got her own cooking spot on the BBC!

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Jubilee Hargorve! The woman can't even boil an egg

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without an ambulance crew standing by.

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Real television while I'm still stuck on cable!

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I have got to raise my celebrity chef profile!

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I've got to! It's now or never!

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There is no justice in this world, Alistair. None!

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Mmm...that was kind of my point.

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Go on. Go on. Go on!

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Oh! Aw, God, my back!

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Oh, the pain!

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-Oh, it's you, Alistair. I thought it was your mum.

-Dad!

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Will stole the computer from my room without asking.

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The curse of the Fury men, we see what we want and we grab it.

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That's how I strained my back at work, reaching for the last doughnut.

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So what about the computer?!

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What would make me feel better is an orthopaedic bed.

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Mention it to your mum when you next see her.

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Make it sound like your idea. ALISTAIR SIGHS

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It's at these moments

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when conventional sources of justice are denied,

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-that you turn to...

-Revenge!

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You're learning.

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'Step one - Ralph had to borrow his dad's computer.'

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'Next, I got him to long onto Will's Find A Honey page,

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'using Will's password, superstar.

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'Then, replace his profile photo

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'with the one on the memory stick I gave him.

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'And finally, in Will's hobbies section, I got him to delete rugby,

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'sports and James Bond films,

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'and put in links to Friends of the Ballet,

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'and the Panto Dame Appreciation Society.'

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'Job done.'

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Wow! Ralph helped you get revenge on your brother?

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Yep, while I worked on a very special revenge for Travis.

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TRAVIS AND MEL KISS

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'The teapot of terror revenge was genius,

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'because the poo potion would only affect Travis,

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'cos Mel hates tea.'

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-Yes!

-Nothing. Didn't know you drank tea.

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-It's not for me.

-Ooh, anyone I know?

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-It's Mum's producer, Michael.

-What?!

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Oops!

0:10:320:10:33

Alistair, you've grown. Sadly not enough.

0:10:330:10:38

Right! Michael, mission -

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profile raising. Objective - me on the BBC! Question -

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-how?

-Well, Celia...

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Hmm.

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Hmm. Hmmm.

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There are many variables here.

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-It's a swamp...

-HIS STOMACH RUMBLES

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HE FARTS LOUDLY

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-HE COUGHS

-Sorry.

0:11:060:11:09

I...oh, excuse me.

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Ooh, ah, erm, anyway, as I was saying,

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erm...hmm...ew...erm...

0:11:140:11:17

We need a strategy that isn't just a lot of hot air!

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HIS STOMACH RUMBLES AND HE FARTS

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Michael!

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-Yeah! Oh!

-HE CONTINUES FARTING

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Alistair!

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I honestly didn't hear Mum. I was busy hiding.

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But I haven't forgotten about the revenge on Mel and Travis.

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'My fellow Revenger was already out putting the dumper boyfriend

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'by snaffling his SIM card revenge into operation.'

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-HIS STOMACH RUMBLES

-Ooh. Ah, thank you.

-More tea?

-No!

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No, no, I don't think my insides will be able to take it.

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-Let's get straight down to work.

-Hmm.

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You need your profile raising. I've got just the thing.

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STOMACH CONTINUES TO RUMBLE

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Oh! A sandwich toaster.

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No. Well, yes. But not just ANY sandwich toaster.

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The Celia Fury Crisp'n'Crunchy Sandwich Sultan.

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I haven't quite finished designing the box.

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Oh!

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By endorsing this product, we get your name into the shops,

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onto the bus shelters, onto the supermarket magazines.

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Even the BBC won't be able to ignore your utter celebrity.

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They'll see someone who merits...

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nay, DESERVES their own prime-time cookery show.

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So simple a child could use it.

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You have to say something about children.

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What has a sandwich toaster got to do with any of this?

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I'm just building suspense.

0:13:300:13:32

-What about Travis? Did you just forget about him?

-Forget? Oh no.

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Aaron had sent Mel two texts

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using the SIM card he had snaffled from Travis's phone,

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so it looked like the texts had come from Travis.

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The first one read...

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"Meet me behind newsagent for non-stop snog sesh.

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"Love, Travis."

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And the second one read,

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"Mel, ignore last message,

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"meant to send it to Sharon Hughes, love, Travis."

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'Meanwhile, the Will the Wallflower revenge was bubbling along nicely.'

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Wah!

0:14:140:14:16

-Hello, William.

-Let's talk about my Find A Honey page.

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You've got a Find A Honey page?

0:14:200:14:22

'I'll draw a veil over the rest of this

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'for viewers of a nervous disposition.'

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And you're not coming out!

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'Will wasn't happy with what I'd done to his Find A Honey page.'

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BUBBLING

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Help! Help! Let me out!

0:14:390:14:41

Let me out!

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HE GASPS

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By the way... Ooh! ..I've put the computer webcam back in your room.

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I use the school computers to send my girlfriend e-mails.

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-I think yours has a virus.

-You've given my computer a virus?!

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Get me out! Let me out!

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Hurry up!

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-You haven't been to school.

-HE GASPS

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-What are you breathing?

-You don't want to know.

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I'll get Will for this.

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I know what would be a good revenge -

0:15:070:15:09

embarrass him on his first date with his new girlfriend

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-by her not turning up.

-He doesn't have a new girlfriend.

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Can't...breathe!

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Unless, Aaron, you've got to make William fall in love with you.

0:15:170:15:22

Yeah! What?!

0:15:220:15:24

-But I'm a boy.

-He doesn't know that.

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You e-mail him as a girl called Aariella Lovelybits or something,

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arrange a date and then stand him up.

0:15:290:15:32

What do you think, Alistair?

0:15:320:15:34

Alistair?

0:15:340:15:35

Oh! Oh!

0:15:350:15:38

HE COUGHS

0:15:380:15:40

HE GASPS FOR AIR

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'Attention, fellow revengers. I've got a computer virus,

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'so you may see some weird stuff for a bit.

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'Like that...'

0:15:520:15:54

Which one do you think for my new publicity photos?

0:15:570:16:00

The purple or lilac?

0:16:000:16:03

"The Slumbermeister 9,000 is guaranteed to slightly improve

0:16:030:16:07

"your back or else you can return it for a 6% refund of purchase price."

0:16:070:16:11

Who could refuse an offer like that?

0:16:110:16:13

Em... Me!

0:16:130:16:14

Come on, Celia.

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It's heated...

0:16:170:16:19

with a remote control...

0:16:190:16:22

HE GROANS ..and a back massager.

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Oh, and a chocolate biscuit dispenser.

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I need this bed. Look at me.

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Look at me. I'm a shadow of my former self

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and it's getting worse.

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You wouldn't want to see me totally immobile?

0:16:390:16:42

How would I tell the difference?

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-So I can order one?

-I think purple.

0:16:450:16:49

It says, "Fashionable, but knows risotto."

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So you're not saying no?

0:16:530:16:54

Result...

0:16:540:16:56

HE HUMS

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Hello, Slumbermeister telesales?

0:17:020:17:04

Yeah... I'd like to order the 9,000, please.

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It's Fury...

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47 Atrocity Road...

0:17:110:17:13

'By the next morning, Dad's bed had arrived.

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'And Mum was getting to grips with her sandwich maker.'

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Wooh!

0:17:280:17:30

WHIZZ!

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Mum, I'm so hungry, have you got anything...?

0:17:360:17:39

-What's that?

-It's only the future of snackertainment.

0:17:390:17:44

-FIZZ!

-Woah! Can I have a go?

0:17:440:17:47

Be my guest.

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It's supposed to be so simple a child could use it.

0:17:480:17:51

So perhaps you could get it to work. I can't.

0:17:510:17:55

ROARING

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Come in. Look, look, look, look.

0:18:050:18:07

It's the Rolls-Royce of beds. Huh?

0:18:070:18:10

Huh? Isn't that incredible? Hmm?

0:18:100:18:12

Where's Will?

0:18:120:18:13

He tried to make a sandwich and now Mum's taken him to the hospital.

0:18:130:18:17

Oh, well. I'll just show him later.

0:18:170:18:19

Now, watch this. Ahh!

0:18:190:18:22

Hmmm-mmmm.

0:18:220:18:25

Now this bed is special and no-one must touch it

0:18:280:18:30

or the remote control - it was very expensive.

0:18:300:18:33

So expensive I think I can only buy Christmas presents for two of you.

0:18:330:18:38

'I know what that means. No Christmas pressies for me.

0:18:380:18:42

'It is so not fair,

0:18:420:18:44

'especially as Will's about to get a birthday party at the Chicken Shack

0:18:440:18:48

'and an enormous birthday pressie!'

0:18:480:18:50

Ah, William, about your enormous birthday present.

0:18:500:18:54

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I'm afraid I'm in no fit state to buy it.

0:18:540:18:57

So, what I want you to do

0:18:570:18:59

is to pop down to Crosspatch Games tomorrow

0:18:590:19:01

and buy yourself a new PU-360 game console.

0:19:010:19:04

Yeah! Agh!

0:19:040:19:07

Then bring it back, wrap it

0:19:070:19:08

and put a label on it saying, "To William, all my love, Dad."

0:19:080:19:12

And in smaller letters, "And Mum."

0:19:120:19:15

Then give it to me so I can give it to you for your birthday.

0:19:150:19:18

Yes!

0:19:180:19:19

Oh, and take Alistair with you if you need a hand.

0:19:190:19:22

'Typical.

0:19:220:19:25

'Not only is he getting a whacking great birthday present,

0:19:250:19:29

-'I'm going to...'

-Alistair, shift, I need your bedroom.

0:19:290:19:33

I'm busy. Snog somewhere else.

0:19:330:19:35

There is nowhere else. Mum's rules - no visitors in bedrooms.

0:19:350:19:39

Now get out. Travis wants to apologise to me.

0:19:390:19:42

Babe, I've got nothing to apologise for. I didn't send any messages.

0:19:420:19:46

-Get off.

-But I'll apologise anyway -

0:19:460:19:48

again. Bye, Ali Baba!

0:19:480:19:51

-MUSIC PLAYS

-What's that?

-Dunno.

0:19:570:19:59

It's stopped. Come on.

0:20:020:20:04

MUSIC PLAYS

0:20:040:20:07

No, it seems to be coming from...

0:20:070:20:09

your pants.

0:20:090:20:11

'Job done.'

0:20:140:20:16

You sewed a musical chip into your sister's knickers?!

0:20:160:20:19

Yip! And it worked great.

0:20:190:20:21

Put Travis off Mel which led to a massive argument

0:20:210:20:25

and he stormed out never to be seen again.

0:20:250:20:27

Now it was time for a revenge on Dad

0:20:270:20:30

for spending all my Christmas present money on a minging bed!

0:20:300:20:34

Right, so now I have to go to the vet!

0:20:340:20:37

-Mmm?

-The cat got its tail caught in the Sandwich Sultan.

0:20:370:20:41

-Hmm. I thought it tasted a bit furry.

-Now, listen, Sean.

0:20:410:20:45

When I'm gone, you might actually have to get out of bed.

0:20:450:20:48

-What?!

-I may not be back in time

0:20:480:20:50

for the new Sandwich Sultan being delivered.

0:20:500:20:52

Leave the bed? Get out of the nice comfy bed?

0:20:520:20:56

-What if my legs don't work any more?

-Sean, it's important.

0:20:560:21:00

Michael has got me and the Sandwich Sultan

0:21:000:21:03

a 90-second slot on the Yummy Show on BBC Three.

0:21:030:21:06

-Finally, proper TV.

-Actually, BBC Three is a cable channel.

0:21:060:21:11

Shut up, Sean. It's the BBC.

0:21:110:21:14

And if I'm going to use a sandwich maker named after me, live,

0:21:140:21:18

on air, I'd rather one that doesn't kill people. Understand?

0:21:180:21:22

If that doorbell rings, you answer it.

0:21:220:21:26

OK. Very important. "Answer it."

0:21:260:21:30

Gotcha!

0:21:300:21:31

OK...

0:21:340:21:36

Time for a gameshow.

0:21:360:21:39

Oh!

0:21:390:21:40

The webcam is mended.

0:21:400:21:43

And a big thank you to little brother Max from Atlanta, Georgia

0:21:430:21:47

who suggested I reprogramme Dad's TV remote to the same frequency

0:21:470:21:53

as the remote control that controls the bed.

0:21:530:21:56

HE PANTS

0:22:090:22:11

What's going on?

0:22:210:22:22

Here...

0:22:220:22:24

Wait there.

0:22:240:22:26

Hello.

0:22:280:22:29

Is that when I came into the story, 36 hours ago?

0:22:290:22:33

No! 36 hours and two minutes.

0:22:330:22:36

For two minutes was how long it took

0:22:360:22:39

for Will to wriggle out of waiting with me.

0:22:390:22:41

What?!

0:22:410:22:43

Bummer!

0:22:430:22:44

He said the PU-360 doesn't go on sale for another 48 hours.

0:22:440:22:48

And we've got to queue!

0:22:480:22:50

-Queue up? Two days? We can't.

-I can't.

0:22:500:22:54

I've got a date with Aariella Lovelybits in three hours.

0:22:540:22:57

-I need that time to get ready.

-Hold on!

-Dad said you had to help me.

0:22:570:23:01

If you don't then I'll tell him

0:23:010:23:03

and with all the pain he's in, he'll disown you

0:23:030:23:05

and get something useful, like a tortoise, instead.

0:23:050:23:09

If you do it, I'll let you play on the PU-360 one minute a week.

0:23:090:23:13

-60!

-Two.

-30.

-2½.

0:23:130:23:15

-15!

-10. Final offer.

-OK. But I want it in writing.

0:23:150:23:19

Deal.

0:23:190:23:21

To sum up. Dad's Bed-eater revenge - success.

0:23:250:23:29

Mel's SIM card revenge - success.

0:23:290:23:32

And Will's Wallflower revenge - succ...

0:23:320:23:36

Will! Eugh! Disgusting.

0:23:360:23:39

Guess what, Alis?

0:23:390:23:40

-Aariella Lovelybits didn't turn up to lunch.

-I'm sorry.

0:23:400:23:44

But Aaron Price did.

0:23:440:23:46

-Well, sometimes lovely.

-He said he felt guilty.

0:23:460:23:50

He cried in front of people. He apologised.

0:23:500:23:54

And he thinks I'm sensitive!

0:23:540:23:56

Argh! Is that your rugby sock?

0:23:560:23:58

Mmm. And it's still wet.

0:23:580:24:00

Eugh!

0:24:000:24:02

-Is he always like that?

-No. Sometimes he's a real pig.

0:24:020:24:07

-No... ..Hello, Alistair.

-Steve, please.

0:24:070:24:10

No, Mel, I'm sorry. Leave me alone. I told you it's over.

0:24:100:24:13

-Over?

-Over?

-Yes.

0:24:130:24:15

I don't talk to anyone who dumps me.

0:24:150:24:18

-She didn't dump you.

-Oh, yeah?

0:24:180:24:20

What else would you call sending me a text that says,

0:24:200:24:23

-"You smell, love, Mel?"

-Oops.

0:24:230:24:25

That might have been me.

0:24:250:24:27

I had a copy of Mel's SIM card and after Travis stomped off,

0:24:270:24:31

to make sure he'd never come back, I sent him a text

0:24:310:24:34

and maybe I sent it to you by accident.

0:24:340:24:36

That's great you stick up for your big sister,

0:24:360:24:39

but, I'm sorry, it's over.

0:24:390:24:41

Goodbye.

0:24:410:24:43

BOTH: Steve!

0:24:430:24:44

I hate technology!

0:24:440:24:46

I believe you, Alis.

0:24:460:24:47

Not the hockey sock!

0:24:470:24:49

Alistair, look,

0:24:490:24:51

the PU-360s have arrived, come on!

0:24:510:24:55

OK, I've had to elbow aside three six-year-olds and a granny,

0:25:070:25:13

but here is Will's PU-360.

0:25:130:25:17

Alistair, that's brilliant. Well done.

0:25:170:25:19

Now take it back.

0:25:190:25:21

-OK, I'll get the wrapping paper. What?!

-Take it back.

0:25:210:25:24

We can't afford it.

0:25:240:25:25

I've just spent two days queuing on a pavement.

0:25:250:25:28

I'm sorry, but between this bed and your mum's sandwich maker,

0:25:280:25:32

the electricity meter's gone rocketing

0:25:320:25:34

and Mel wants a brand new mobile with hi-tech anti-tampering features.

0:25:340:25:39

I bet she does.

0:25:390:25:41

According to my sums. We either have to return that or this bed...

0:25:410:25:46

-That's 48 hours of my life wasted!

-Oh, well, what you gonna do?

0:25:460:25:51

Wah!

0:25:560:25:58

HE LAUGHS

0:25:590:26:01

# Revenge, revenge, revenge... #

0:26:210:26:23

Oh! Alistair, don't go anywhere. I need you.

0:26:240:26:29

Since when?

0:26:290:26:30

Since I discovered BBC Three are sending cameras for a live link-up.

0:26:300:26:35

They want a child to demonstrate the Sandwich Sultan.

0:26:350:26:38

I'm not going near that deathtrap!

0:26:380:26:41

IT SNARLS

0:26:430:26:45

Don't be silly, darling.

0:26:450:26:48

Melanie and William aren't dead.

0:26:480:26:50

And technically it was your fault your father was trapped in his bed

0:26:500:26:54

when the safe Sandwich Sultan arrived.

0:26:540:26:56

So now it's back in Taiwan,

0:26:560:26:59

So, come on, darling. Be a sport.

0:26:590:27:01

To help Mummy's career.

0:27:010:27:03

Sometimes I think you don't deserve me.

0:27:050:27:07

Oh, thank you, darling.

0:27:070:27:10

My lovely son, Albert...Alistair,

0:27:140:27:17

will demonstrate that my Sandwich Sultan is so simple

0:27:170:27:21

a child could use it.

0:27:210:27:22

ALISTAIR SCREAMS LOUDLY

0:27:240:27:28

Oops!

0:27:290:27:32

Children's entertainment with the angry young man.

While queuing for two days for a new Pu 360 games console at his local computer game shop - not for himself, of course, but for his big brother, William - Alistair passes the time by telling the young girl next to him how a great Revenger must master technology if he or she wants to enjoy success.


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