I'm Not Scared The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury

BANGING

'We weren't scared. There was nothing to be scared of.

'We were in my back garden and we had the spider hammer.'

There's one!

-Got it.

-Told you it would work.

The guard dog's been sick.

That'll be all the 18 spiders he's scoffed.

I wonder how long it would take for flies to suck up that big puddle.

About, um... About a week?

No. More like an hour.

You see, flies don't have stomachs.

It goes in one end and shoots straight out the other,

like a jet-ski.

WAILING

Ah! It's a werewolf! Ah!

-Oo-oo-oo-ooh.

-It's a Dracula.

-It's a Frankenstein's monster!

It's a William!

Evening, girls!

Didn't scare you, did I?

# Oh, get her, get him

# Gettin' even ain't a sin

# Sister Mel and brother Will

# Make 'em take a bitter pill

# Serve it up luke warm

# Yes, long before the storm

# Oh, look out world

# Your sandwich is cool Your tea's gone cold

# And now you're getting old

# You know the boy with the camera

# He's gonna scam ya

# Harder than Stonehenge

# It's gonna be a mighty revenge! #

I'm gonna get you, William!

-I'd like to see you try, Alice!

-My name's Alistair!

I'm a boy! Look, I've got toenails in my pocket to prove it.

Ooh! What's that smell?

Sorry. I think I might have peed on the biscuits.

William! Do you want a quart of shortbread?

Ahh!

If this is well behaved, I am a teapot.

But, Daddy, Will was trying to murder us.

Your mother is having a personal moment with her extractor fan

and she does not want to be disturbed!

Eugh!

Mum loves that extractor fan more than me.

Bu-r-r-r-p!

-SQUELCH

-Oh, for goodness sake!

Who left this sick here to be trodden in?

Why is your mum in love with her extractor fan?

-To stop the house smelling of her cooking.

-Is that a good thing?

-I thought she was a famous cook.

-A famously bad one, yes.

SIREN WAILS

We've checked the sewage system and can't find a leak anywhere.

But that awful smell.

Morning! Just boiling up a few bones for my latest book -

Smells From A Soup Kitchen.

Fancy some curried black egg and Chihuahua chowder?

Is THAT the smell?

THEY ALL SCREAM

-It's a finger monster!

-It's a man-eating tiger!

-It's a Dracula!

TEARING

THEY ALL SCREAM

Shut up! Some of us have an important date tomorrow.

Randy Andy!

-Some of us are trying to get our beauty sleep.

-Some of us need it(!)

Right!

-Who said you could have my cat?

-I'm cold. He's my hot water bottle.

-But he's mine!

-Then you'll want this too!

Oooh! No, he's your cat now, Alice!

They've asked for it now!

Hi, Will. Just using the stairs.

-What are those?

-Superstition.

Will's playing rugby tomorrow.

I'll nick the lucky pork chops, you give Mel the bird.

MEL SCREAMS

Alistair!

The next person to scream is going in the soup!

Oh, my turn in the bathroom, Alice! Ha!

But I've been outside all night and I'm freezing cold and dirty.

-And I'll be needing your bedroom all day today.

-But I do, too!

-I've got friends here.

-And do any of you need a full length mirror

-to prepare yourself for the hottest date of your life?

-No!

But like I keep saying, take the mirror out of my room

and put it in yours!

That will make your life far too easy, Alice.

Find somewhere else to have your sad secret meeting.

Oh, and somewhere secret might be a change.

-HE SIGHS

-Somewhere sad like in your head!

I heard that!

-No-one will find us in here!

-DOOR OPENS

-I'm taking Will to rugby. Want to come?

-No.

-BOTH:

-No thank you, Mr Fury.

-How did you know we were in here?

Er, this...

Oh, by the way, Alistair,

someone stole William's lucky pork chops last night,

so he's feeling a bit scared.

Get rid of that for me, will you?

What is it?

Proof that pork chop revenge works.

When Will gets scared before a match he projectile vomits in the car.

So last night's revenges were good warm-ups for the main revenge.

So, any ideas?

How about we cut the breaks on William's bike,

then tell him there are naked women at the bottom of a steep hill?

So he cycles down the hill really fast and splat!

No?

OK. We could cut the breaks on Mel's bike and tell her

-there are naked men...

-No!

We want to scare them.

OK, ugly, naked people.

Could we just forget about naked people, please?

I saw a film once on Frankenstein's monster. That was scary.

He was a huge beast who had scars on his face.

And he could eat a whole sheep in one bite.

Was he naked?

Only for the first 20 minutes and after that he wore a cloth cap.

Well that's all right then.

I like the idea.

But does anyone know how to make a monster?

-BOTH:

-No.

-It's a shame Blue Peter haven't done a programme on it yet.

Hello, children. Today we're going to show you how to make

a fully working Frankenstein's monster.

All you need is some used loo roll, some sticky-back plastic

a scary mask, a set of old clothes

and a beating heart of a blood-curdling monster!

-I don't normally say this, Aaron, but that's brilliant!

-Really?

Greetings, revengers everywhere.

Glorious leader here with news of a sensational new revenge.

Ta-dah!

Meet Eric.

Now that's what I call scary.

I wouldn't be scared of him not unless he came to life.

That's the whole point. He's gonna come to life.

He's gonna walk and talk just like Frankenstein's monster.

-How? He's stuffed with newspaper.

-I just thought of a problem.

In the film they used lightning to bring the monster to life.

But if you look outside now, it's not even raining.

It could be though, couldn't it?

Meaning what?

Well you must have heard of a rain dance?

BOTH: Oh no! Not dancing!

BANJO PLAYS

I can't go under there! It'll mean dropping my umbrella!

Doing the under arm twirls, it's the girl's part.

Just throw it away!

Look, without rain there can be no lightning.

Without lightning, there can be no revenge.

Can you two ballerinas shut up!

I can't hear a word my boyfriend's saying!

Bit of a change to the schedule.

Mel's just leaving for her date, so Ralph and Aaron have popped indoors

to pay her back for the soaking, leaving yours truly

to get the monster walking without lightning.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Andy's here!

I'm going out, everyone! Wish me luck!

Before you go, Mel...

THEY LAUGH, DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING

As you can see, fellow Revengers, I have cleverly given the monster

remote-controlled feet.

Aaron and Ralph have got the controls

and are now going to edge each car forward

so that it looks like Eric's walking.

Look - do you want me to beep it?

I could. It's just that it would be like that warning beep you get

when a lorry reverses.

Only I'd be warning people that a monster's going forwad.

We don't want to warn anyone, Aaron.

This revenge will only work if Mel and Will think it's a real monster

and it takes them by surprise. Now give it a try.

Gently.

-CARS REV

-Gently!

CLATTERING AND BANGING

-Whoops!

-Sorry!

'Every time it just seemed like a disaster.

'But later that night I realised it was much, much, much, much, much

-'much worse than that.'

-THEY GROAN

It's been a very weird day since we crashed the monster.

Obviously, me and the Revengers spent most of the day

hiding from Mum. But then Dad and Will came home.

Ah! What happened?!

-MUMBLES:

-I must have got a cold when I went out last night

-in my underpants.

-I meant to William!

He'd broken his leg and Dad took himself off to bed feeling sick.

Oh, poor me! I wish I felt better loved but I don't.

You couldn't fetch me some lightly buttered farmhouse bread

thickly sliced with a drop of that delicious Scotch broth, could you?

TV PLAYS, MUM CLEARS HER THROAT

You don't sound very sick.

Oh, I am!

I'm very, very sick!

HE BLOWS HARD

And then Mum went looking for the milk vandals and pulled a muscle.

Selfish little boys!

Your milk has ruined my hall carpet!

It was an accident, Mummy.

-No! Not the broken broom!

-Ah! CRACKING

My back!

My point is that the same weird things happened to the monster.

It broke its leg.

Fell into sick

and it twisted its back.

It also got covered in milk like Mel but that was a bit different.

But what does this all mean?!

GROWLING

Hello, Alice.

-Oh, it's you.

-Mum said she saw a monster in the shed tonight.

-Did she?

-You know she did.

-That's why I've come to tell you a bedtime story.

-Is it a nice one?

It's a friendly warning story about the perils of playing with monsters.

And I suggest all you Revengers watching at home listen too.

Once upon a time, in this very house,

there lived a mad scientist called Frankenstein.

Is this a true story?

These are his actual safety goggles that we found in the cellar.

And this mad scientist built a monster.

In THIS house?!

In this very room, Alistair.

His actual feet touched this floor.

And they lived together as man and monster for 30 years

till the monster died.

Because it was like a pet to Frankenstein

he buried the monster in the garden.

-Our garden?

-And it's said that he who brings the monster back to life

will be strangled by the monster! And his family will suffer

a run of really bad luck.

But we made Eric. We didn't bring Frankenstein's monster back to life.

You did do that rain dance.

-You mean you think that dance might have...?

-Obviously.

And now the spirit of the monster lives on in Eric.

You're not...scared, are you, Alice?

N-No.

Night, night.

Sleep tight. (Don't let the monsters bite!)

Oh, no! What if he does?!

-CREAKING

-Oh! Did you hear that?

-WAILING

-And that? Oh no!

WAILING CONTINUES Alice!

I can hear feet coming up the stairs.

I'm not scared. Obviously it's just...

Those were giant footsteps!

BANGING

It's the monster! It has to be!

That stupid rain dance has brought its spirit back to life in Eric.

And it's coming to get me!

-BANGING CONTINUES

-Help!

-FRANTIC BANGING

-Oh!

I think it's stopped.

-Oh no, it's still there.

-CRASHING

HE SCREAMS

That's so typical of my family - nobody comes to save me!

SOFT THUDS

ALISTAIR SCREAMS

PHONE RINGS

SNORING

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

PHONE RINGS AND VIBRATES, DAD SNORES

Hello.

'Aaaaaah!'

Go to sleep, Alistair.

I was hoping that daylight would bring relief

from the night time terrors, but I was wrong.

SCREAMING

The run of bad luck started by me and the Revengers

mucking about with monsters just kept coming.

Who or what could have done this?

It must have been Alice.

Well it is his name.

That's not my name! My name's Alistair! I'm a boy!

I've got toenails in my pocket to prove it!

Go and get your father!

She doesn't really need me, Will.

I'm sick.

I've got pains in all my major organs.

GLASS SMASHES

-She told me to throw out the TV remote out if you didn't come.

-OK.

-But if I get pneumonia and die, it's your fault.

-It can't be.

-Everything's alway's Alistair's fault, isn't it?

-Good point.

If he hadn't been making all that noise in the tent

I wouldn't have had to go outside in my pants and shout at him.

HE SIGHS

Alistair must have put those there as well!

I didn't do it!

Well, if none of us did it, then there's only one explanation,

-right, Mel?

-Right, William.

It must have been...the monster!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Stop, William. Please!

Maybe we did activate the curse of Frankenstein with our rain dance.

-Is Eric still in the shed?

-Are you joking?

Go in there? He's gonna strangle me, remember?

Look, you want to get rid of it, yeah?

There's only one way and it's not pretty.

Pass that onto Ralph and Aaron, will ya?

Tonight you need to dig up the monster's bones

from our back garden and rebury them at the allotment.

-Why?

-Because there's a pet cemetery there. I've told you that

-Frankenstein thought of his monster as a pet.

-But it's dark there.

Can't it be somewhere less spooky?

I don't make up the rules, Alice. Sorry.

So to get rid of the monster

we've got to dig up its old bones and bury them in an allotment

so its spirit can rest in peace for ever.

I'm not even scared, are you?

BOTH: No!

-DOG HOWLS

-What sort of spade is that?

We don't have a garden. Mum grows carrots in a window box.

SQUAWKING

And that's a tree and that another tree.

-And that's...

-Alistair!

I've struck bone.

ANIMAL HOWLS

Right, that's all the bones reburied.

Aaron, get it covered. Ralph, keep watch for vampires.

I'll do the prayers.

For all the bones we relaid, someone get rid of the monster I made.

A-A-MEN!

Oh ye of little height, here's a tip.

Never mess with monsters.

Last night I thought I'd buried Frankenstein's curse for good.

This morning I have been woken with the terrible news

that there's been a death in the family.

What I done to deserve this? Tell me!

I mean, am I a bad person, Constance? Why me? Why now?

I'm still only halfway through my soup book. It's not fair.

Ach, maybe it's moles.

Moles?!

When have you ever seen a mole big enough to dig a hole...

..that size?

Maybe it's alien spaceships landing then or dinosaurs footprints.

Don't mock me, William.

That hole is so not funny.

Well whatever made it, I bet you anything it were Alistair.

-Alistair?!

-Well it always is.

Well if it was Alistair, he'll wish he was dead too.

-HE YAWNS

-Who's dead?

One of Great Uncle Crawford's parrots.

Aw! Not Long John Silver?

He was almost as old as Great Uncle Crawford himself.

And how are YOU feeling?

Oh...

What's she doing here?

-What do you think? There's a family funeral to go to.

-Oh.

Well in that case I'm still feeling a bit poorly.

Eh! If Dad don't have to go

then I can't possibly go with these crutches.

Anyway, I'm not going to waste my time saying goodbye to a parrot.

Your Great Uncle Crawford devoted his life to his parrot sanctuary.

Long John Silver was his companion. Show your respects.

I can't go - I've got to find a new boyfriend.

Can you believe it, Mum?

Andy hasn't had the good manners to phone after I stood him up.

Didn't you tell him you didn't open the door cos of the milk?

No.

Well, nice try, both of you, but you're still coming.

-What?!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Cup of tea in bed would be nice.

-And some crumpets?

Only if it's not too much trouble.

And while you're up there,

perhaps you could take him his nice bowl of strychnine noodle soup(!)

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, it's you.

Hello. You know, I've been ringing for quite some time now.

All night, in fact.

In fact, two nights.

-I think your doorbell's broken.

-It's fine.

But it's a bit of a bad time at the moment.

The family's just lost a much-loved parrot.

Plus, I find you a little bit clingy,

-so if you don't mind, I'm dumping you.

-What?

I brought you some... Mel? Mel!

What?

Well,

I shall goodbye to you, Long John Silver - first and best.

We had a few laughs together,

and there wasn't much about me you didn't know.

And sometimes, when we had our long chats,

I'd forget that you were a bird.

Except when you pecked on the window to try and get out.

Or scuffled about on my newspaper.

And the things you used to say.

You had the biggest gob on you of any parrot I've ever known.

Anyway...

the whole family's come out to see you off,

onto that great silver perch in the sky.

DOG SNIFFS

Did you have to bring Mr E?

He and the parrot were friends.

TINKLING

Alistair, grab him!

..Mind how you go, and no swearing.

DOG GROWLS

How did my old soup bones get here?!

LAUGHTER

I've been taken for a mug.

THEY WAIL

The wailing,

the bones in the garden,

the scratched hood,

Frankenstein's safety goggles,

and those heavy footsteps...

That's the monster - it has to be.

..was never the monster coming to get me in my bed.

It was Mel and Will paying ME back

for the bird on the pillow and lucky pork chop revenges.

Right - it's time for a council of war.

Right, let's start with the swearing in.

I'm ruddy well going to duff them up.

-So am ruddy I.

-And ruddy me.

Good. Let us sit on the carpet of war and discuss strategies.

Who seeks the helmet of war?

-We could tie bricks to their shoes and chuck 'em in the river.

-Why?

What harm have their shoes ever done us?

I was assuming Mel and Will would still be in them.

No, no, no.

They tried to scare me to death,

so we're going to scare THEM to death back.

-How?

-With the monster. It's what we should have done all along.

Look at that, fellow Revengers.

Is that scary or what?

Have you got enough space under that coat

-to hold the karaoke machine and the microphone to your mouth?

-Yeah.

Can I have some more chocolate?

If you keep eating chocolate, you'd turn into a real monster.

-OK, you know the signal to make your entrance?

-Yep.

I still think a turkey is a stupid choice.

It's the only animal I can do.

And you know your lines?

I wrote them on his sleeve.

I am Frankenstein's monster,

and I am back to life for real this time,

and I am here to eliminate Alistair Fury.

Then you grab my neck and I fall down dead

and they're so scared that they burst into tears

and promise to never scare me again.

Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know you were in here.

-What do you want, Alice?

-Oh, nothing.

Aaron fancies a turkey sandwich.

You love turkey, don't you?

I do.

Gobble, gobble.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Gobble, gobble.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I wonder who that might be.

BOTH, HALTINGLY: Answer it, Alistair, and find out.

Aaah!

ALISTAIR SCREAMS

POP MUSIC PLAYS BRIEFLY

-FEEDBACK

-Oops, sorry. Wrong button.

MONSTER ROARS

It's Frankenstein's monster come to get me.

I am Frankenstein's monster!

Oh, the terrible monster...

is wiping its feet!

I always wipe my feet.

I've come back to life for real this time

and I am here to eliminate Alistair Fury.

-Oh, no!

-Oh, yes. Eliminate, eliminate.

-Eliminate, eliminate.

-Help!

THEY CHUCKLE

Eliminate, eliminate. Eliminate, eliminate.

-Eliminate, eliminate...

-Oh, ah!

HE "CHOKES"

-Bravo, bruv. Bravo(!)

-You're gonna have to do better to scare us.

You weren't even fooled a little bit?

What do you think, Alice?

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Oh, no more. Please!

My nerves can't take it(!)

DOOR CREAKS

Eh? Isn't that...

Great Uncle Crawford's parrot?

I hope you're brave, cos I'm fresh from the grave.

You mean Long John Silver?

It can't be - he's dead.

THEY SCREAM

ALL SCREAM

Oh, that scared 'em.

# Revenge, revenge, revenge... #

You can come out now, Great Uncle Crawford.

Was that what you boys wanted.

Perfect.

It was lucky Long John Silver had an identical twin.

Too right.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd