The Lord of the Furys The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury

Good evening, fellow Revengers.

The tale I'm about to...

Argh!

# Oh, get her, get him Getting even ain't a sin

# Sister Mel and Brother Will Make 'em take a bitter pill

# Serve it up lukewarm

# Yeah, it's the storm before the storm

# Oh, look out, world Your sandwich is curled

# Your tea's gone cold and now you're getting old

# Y'know, the boy with the camera He's gonna scam ya

# Harder than Stonehenge It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #

Good evening again, fellow Revengers.

The tale I'm about to tell confirms me

as one of the top three brilliant thinkers of all time,

along with Stephen Hawking,

Einstein and the man who invented cheese-stuffed pizza crust.

As with all great works of genius, the beginnings were very ordinary.

Alistair, you're being silly! Look, just take ONE bite!

-No!

-Someone has to test the recipes for my survival food

in Living Off Nature monthly.

"Extreme Cooking - Living Off Your Own Body."

-Why me?!

-You're the best at surviving!

Remember, Alis?

-How long's that now?

-Ten minutes.

Yes! In yer face! Told you I was better at surviving than you!

Let me out now.

HE BANGS ON LID

Will?!

-WILL!

-HE BANGS HARDER

If you can survive an hour-and-a-half in a trunk

you're obviously the perfect guinea pig!

What bits of my body are in it?

Best wait till after.

Remember, Alistair, a wise man knows nothing.

Think about it!

Not bad!

Chewy, with a spicy tang.

That's a big thumbs-up for earwax and toe-jam vol-au-vents.

-Eugh!

-It's OK, it's not your toe-jam you're eating, it's mine!

HE VOMITS

Fellow Revengers, justice has to be done for this outrage.

Forcing me to sit in a trunk and then eat his toe-jam

calls for Will to receive the most extreme payback.

Meet a bowl of pure revenge.

Ingredients.

Leave to fester in warm wardrobe for three to four days

before being served over my stupid brother's head!

Ha! I'm going to call it Doris.

Can't wait till she meets Will!

Will. Meet Doris.

I didn't know your name were Doris.

It isn't. This is Doris.

Ugh!

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

Look what Rod just sent me!

It's a fish!

It's a Pink Kissing Gourami, you ignoramus!

Rod says I remind him of one.

That's a good thing!

I think it's great Rod's so fond of fish.

Shows he's a very loving, compassionate person.

I agree. I'm very fond of pilchards. On toast!

Look at this!

-You have a fan club?

-Why shouldn't I?

Cos you're a terrible cook and it's rubbish food!

-No reason!

-The Celia Fury Fan Club.

They want me to be guest of honour at their inaugural meeting.

-You'll have to drive me.

-I'm busy.

You don't know when it is!

-When?

-When are you busy?

-You first.

-This weekend.

I'm busy.

We'll be away overnight, so we'll get Granny to keep an eye on you.

Don't worry, Mum.

-I'll take care of it.

-Thank you, William.

At least some people don't have to be asked to help me out.

I'll help out! By staying at Ralph or Aaron's.

Oh! I wanted Alistair to stay here so I could look after him.

No! You don't know what happened last time!

If it takes 4.5 men 2.2 hours to dig a hole 3.3m deep,

how long's it take one man to dig a hole 5.7m deep?

How're you doing?

I just want a chance to bond with my little brother!

-Oh, that's so sweet!

-Sweet?!

The only thing he wants to bond is my head, to a table!

Just us, without Ralph or Aaron in the way!

I need them for protection!

I'm proud of you, William.

I know Alistair's going to be in good hands.

They'll be round my throat as soon as you leave!

This is the start of something beautiful between you two boys!

FLOWING MUSIC PLAYS

Moo!

I don't think it is!

Right! Are we ready to go?

Thanks for this, Constance.

My pleasure! I'd do anything in the world for my family!

Although...this is going to be a big imposition on me.

We ARE paying you £5 an hour, Mum.

I know! On reflection, something closer to £10 would be fairer!

-How much closer?

-10.

You could always ask someone else.

We're leaving in two minutes.

I'm proud of you, son!

A chance to be the man of the house.

Look, here's some money for food and any extras

and in case of emergency, huh?

-Thanks, Dad, I'll spend it wisely.

-Yeah.

Would've been cheaper to go to the Bahamas!

The law says my parents are supposed to look after me.

So why have they left me in the hands of Will and Mel,

the dim reapers?

For this neglect, Mum and Dad deserve a stonking revenge!

And thanks to a little note I left on the dashboard,

they're going to get one. They will never reach their destination!

My only chance of surviving this weekend is if Granny protects me!

As agreed, Granny. 15 quid and you lose yourself.

Pleasure to do business with you.

Now, I've a load of mates coming around,

Russell Crowe marathon on cable,

so if you burn the house down, do it quietly!

Yes!

I'm surrounded by traitors!

Right, Alis, here's the rules.

Now Granny's gone, we are going to do all the things

Mum and Dad never let us do.

So I've invited Christine, the hottest babe in school round.

Why's she interested in you?

Cos I'm getting the new Orlando Bloom download. Less cheek!

I'm going to the cosmetic surgeons college.

There's free Botox to anyone that lets students practise on them.

You're getting a free bum?!

Botox, not buttocks. Idiot!

Maybe you should ask about the bum while you're there.

Rod says he wished I had a pout like Victoria,

his favourite Pink Kissing Gourami.

That one, please.

And can you cut the head off? It's really quite ugly.

What are we going to do with you, Alis?

If I go missing, people will notice!

-I doubt it! Nobody notices you when you're here!

-Yeah...

There's good news and bad news.

The bad news is, I used some of the food money to pay off Granny.

The rest's for the Orlando download.

And the good news?

That makes me very happy!

I like it when you're in charge!

So what am I supposed to eat?

A, there's some four-day-old armpit-sweat soup

from Mum's Living Off Your Body project

or, B, you starve.

Mel! Help me!

I would if I cared. Sadly, I don't.

Right, I'm going round to Rod's later to show off my new pout.

One more thing. I don't want you around when I'm getting

the house ready for Christine. Or when she gets here.

-So clear out.

-Where will I go?!

You can't do all this to me!

Yes, I can! Dad left me in charge.

Well, son, this is a big moment leaving you in charge.

There's the keys and just a few numbers in case you need them.

Electrician...a good plumber... and plasterer, just in case.

Also that's the accountant, our bank manager, a lawyer,

dentist, butcher, baker, candlestick maker,

florist, garden centre, quantity surveyor,

locksmith's, funeral director, cheesemongers...

The rest are just various religious organisations in case you need them.

Thanks, Dad.

Remember...those two geeky mates of yours are banned, OK?

Abandoned. In the shed, cut off from the Revengers.

It looks like Will's won.

Ha! Wrong! William - peanut brain -

you can't ban the Revengers cos they're already here!

-All right?

-Nice one!

They've taken away my human rights...

to a bed, food...

..a proper toilet.

I sentence Will and Mel to dastardly revenge!

Agreed. What's the plan?

Well, like Amazonian pygmies,

we could live off the things we find around us.

Or you could deliberately starve to death.

Why would I wanna do that?

Your family will get the blame and be sent to prison!

You'd be a martyr, a patron saint to little brothers everywhere.

Statues, people praying to you...

while your family break rocks on Dartmoor.

Yeah. For the sake of little brothers everywhere....I'll do it.

RELIGIOUS MUSIC

So you won't want any of these, then?

On second thoughts...plenty of time to become a saint.

Go with the pygmy plan.

Michael, this is just the start.

You're my producer. You could extend the fan club nationwide.

It would be great publicity.

Excuse me. Sean, put your foot down! You're driving like your mother!

-She doesn't drive.

-Exactly!

I might be able to go faster if I knew where I was going.

Could you look at the map?

I am having a rather important conversation with my producer!

I don't know why we don't get sat-nav like normal people!

Sorry about that, Michael. You can't get the staff.

To think I'm missing Jobs For Dogs to be here.

Quick! Will's coming!

Come to bring me some bread and water?

No. You in here on your own?

Yes.

Uh!

I think I hurt my dose!

Oh!

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

What's up with you?

Oh!

Has the Botox gone wrong or was that the look you were after?

Course it has! It could be hours before it wears off!

I can't go to Rod's looking like this!

What will Mum and Dad say?!

Dunno! But I can't wait to hear it!

Oh, dear!

Back to your kennel, Alis!

Now, listen. If you don't sort that disfigurement out now,

it could be there forever!

-What do YOU know about it?

-Plenty!

When Aaron's mum got her eyes Botoxed, they went all puffy.

She had to put ice on them for the swelling,

so just tape a bag of frozen peas to your face for a couple of hours.

You'll be as right as rain!

Are you sure?

Mel, I wouldn't lie about a thing as serious as this.

Whoa! What happened?

Did a bogie explode?

My mum's just had Botox on her eyes and they're swelling right up.

So why a bandage on YOUR face?

The doctor told her on no account get it cold or it'd set rock-hard

and take weeks to come down.

So she made me get the shopping at the freezer centre

and those freezers are really deep.

Now I've got frostbite on my nose.

So, on no account get it warm!

Keep those lips nice and cold

and Rod'll be getting a big surprise later on!

Thank you! Now, clear off!

THEY CHEER

A lovely piece of off-the-cuff revenging!

I'm even thinking like a pygmy now! And if my calculations are right...

-I thought you got this thing serviced?

-I DID!

Yes, on the cheap again, I bet!

-Where on earth are we?!

-How should I know?

It IS illegal to drive and read a map at the same time!

Those are important calls I was making!

To break into the survival market, I need a book deal!

-It's called trying to build a career! Try it sometime!

-Yeah?

Well, thanks to your important calls, the phone's now dead

and we can't call a garage!

No problem! We'll flag down a passing car!

COW MOOS

Rod's here.

What is it?

Oh, no! It's got worse!

SHARP TING

And it's gone hard!

You are history, Alis!

Hiya, Mel!

It's nice to see someone with a smile on their face.

Sorry to bring you down but I've got the most terrible news.

Ant and Dec are dead.

Well, it weren't on the news.

What was it? Car crash?

Fin rot.

They were my most favourite angelfish and now they're gone.

Oh, that is so sad!

It's not funny! I really loved them!

I can't help it. I had Botox and it's gone wrong.

That is the worst excuse I've ever heard!

You never liked my fish!

-You're glad they're dead!

-No!

I don't believe you!

I'll count to five in my head and you've got to stop smiling!

You heartless witch!

You're officially dumped!

Rod!

Result!

STOMACH RUMBLES

I'm starving!

Oh, that's brilliant!

This could be the idea I need for my new book!

How I Survived My Roadside Hell... by Celia Fury.

This isn't going to involve cooking bits of body, is it?

Cos when I said I was starving,

I meant I was ever so slightly peckish.

Gotta get my underwear off.

-What?

-There's a lot of nutrition in boiled pants, let me tell you!

Granny...what are you doing back here?

Ran out of toilet paper at home.

What's gone wrong with your face?!

Oh, Granny, my boyfriend's just dumped me,

and I can't get another one cos I frighten people.

What's the point in being alive?

Until you're 18 and old enough to come with me

and the rest of the St Xavier's Over-65s Circle on one of our trips

to Alton Towers, I can't give you a full answer to that question.

Meantime, I do have a director's cut of Gladiator on me and I know

where your mother hides her giant bag of chocolates.

So why don't we see both of them off,

-and you tell me all about it?

-But your friends...?

We polished off a couple of bottles of sherry.

Now they've all had to go for a nap. Lightweights!

-Thanks, Granny.

-Are you smiling for real, now?

It's a bit difficult to tell.

-Are you sure this camouflage is going to work?

-Yeah!

It's magnolia! We'll blend into the kitchen units.

We've got to move fast if we want to be in position

by the time Will gets back with Christine.

-Know what you're doing, Aaron?

-Check!

Right, Ralph. Do your stuff.

No-one ever uses this road, y'know. You're lucky that car came past.

-< Soup's ready!

-You've no idea how lucky.

-Would you like some?

-What flavour?

Pants.

No, you're all right.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Mine's in the van, must be one of yours.

You mean the whole time we were waiting for a passing car,

you had your phone?

Sorry. I forgot.

Hello?

'Celia Fury?'

Speaking.

This is Doreen, chairwoman of your fan club.

'Hello!'

We're on our way, spot of bother with the limo.

'I wouldn't bother if I were you.'

We've just had a vote and decided

you're a pretty rubbish celebrity, really.

-I'm sorry?

-'Rubbish. Not very good. Pants.'

We've invited the Chuckle Brothers along instead.

You might as well go home. Goodbye.

-You all right?

-Yes! Fine! Why wouldn't I be?

-Once the car's fixed we're going home.

-What?

-You heard.

Fan clubs are so naff. Who wants one?

Until three minutes ago, you!

Bunch of saddoes too stupid to get their own life!

Think I found your problem.

-Petrol tank's empty.

-Oh, that's what the fuel gauge says, yes.

-That's probably it, then.

-No, the car was just serviced.

The mechanic left me a note on the dashboard.

Dear Mrs and Mr Fury, thanks for letting me service your car,

it's a beauty.

One thing I've noticed, your petrol gauge is playing up.

When it says empty, it means full and vice versa.

No problem, mate, we'll fix it when you get back from meeting Doreen,

love, your mechanic.

You actually read that note and you believed it?

Well...

How many mechanics send you their love?

Alistair?

There you go, Christine, organic apple juice.

Very expensive!

The crisps are hand-cut. Again, very expensive, but...

I think you're worth it.

Have you got this download or not?

Erm...yeah.

I'll just go and get it.

Be back in a sec!

Don't go away now.

-It's, like, 100 degree in here.

-I'll just turn the thermostat down.

Feel free to help yourself to a hand-cut crisp.

FLIP!

Bit of a problem with the thermostat.

I'll open a window.

Help yourself to a drink.

What's wrong?

-Can't you open it?

-Course I can!

It might be better to watch it upstairs

on the computer.

In the snog room... Computer room.

I'm fine here, thank you.

Hi, Will. I've come in to pass on a message from mankind.

You're a gigantic butthead!

Sorry - small but very annoying problem to take care of.

Back in a sec. Alis! >

Alis! >

You are so finished, Alis!

Oh, that is DISGUSTING!

Congratulations, Stinky, you've just met Doris?

You're going to be so sorry when I get my hands on you, Alis!

Will? Are you in there?

Look, I really need to use the toilet.

Mum and Dad! I've totally misjudged the traffic on the A1!

Take heart, fellow Revengers. Y'see?

Even a genius like me can make a real mistake.

But a good Revenger always expects the unexpected.

Aaron, tell Ralph to instigate Emergency Plan A.

Emergency Plan A!

Now get Mel into position!

Mel, you're wanted on the phone, I think it's Rod!

Alistair's gone too far this time...

SHE SCREAMS

Will! I really need to use the toilet!

Erm...just a minute.

NOW!!!

SHE BANGS ON DOOR

< Will!

< I really need to get in there!

-What sort of girl do you think I am?!

-I can explain!

Ow!

SHE SCREAMS

Don't tell everyone I'm a flasher!

Mum?

Dad? It's not what it looks like!

-Argh!

-Oh! Oh!

William! Put...that away!

Alis...Rod's not on the phone.

What's going on?

What on EARTH have you done to your face?!

Oh, you're back! >

Now, Will and Mel have been as good as gold!

Alistair, I don't know, I haven't seen him.

I'll give you my babysitting bill later!

And put some pants on, woman!

Oh!

Yes!

So that was it, fellow Revengers.

Not only did the revenge work out perfectly,

but Will's been in serious trouble for inviting Christine round,

and waving his dangly bits all over the house,

Mel's been grounded for having face surgery without permission,

plus Mum's refusing to pay Granny any money on the basis

that she's a drunken old bat who shouldn't be left in charge of a cat

let alone vulnerable children like me.

Yes! You heard right! Mum called me vulnerable!

Cheers!

Well, she's obviously not turning up, ladies, it's just plain rude.

I'm gonna ring her, give her a piece of my mind.

These celebrities! Think they're better than us!

Hello?

Is that Celia Fury?

Oh, Alistair...

Hello, Mum.

I just thought I'd come in and tell you a story.

I'm a bit old for that.

Oh, you'll like this one.

It's about a woman... who went to see some people...

in her fan club.

But she never arrived,

because she got a very...strange...phone call.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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