Archie Gets Busted The Revolting World of Stanley Brown

Welcome to The Revolting World of Stanley Brown.

Go, science!

HE VOMITS

Atchoo!

Sick!

Stanley is going to be the world's greatest scientist.

Whoa!

It's just that HE doesn't know that yet.

This is his next-door neighbour Jess,

and his best friend Mike.

Oh, and here's Archie.

I'm your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,

great grandson, from the future.

I'm invisible.

And I'm invisible, too. I'm Olivia, Archie's incredible robot assistant.

We've come back in time to make sure that Stanley keeps up his

revolting experiments and becomes the greatest scientist ever known!

BLOWS WHISTLE

WHISTLES TUNELESSLY

Oh, come on, Meccano pants, where's your party spirit?

I'm finally about to graduate, become a proper scientist.

Let's celebrate!

OLIVIA BEEPS

Yes! I am sure that's why we're here.

Why else would the head of

the Stanley Brown School for Revolting Science

invite me to his office?

OLIVIA BEEPS

To expel me?! Ha-ha!

Oh, Olivia, you do beep the funniest things!

Why on earth would he do that?!

Since I've been time travelling to the 21st century,

my grades have doubled.

I got a 36% last week!

Tsss!

Argh!

My plan to get better at science totally worked,

AND I had top fun with great, great, great, great, great, great,

great, great, great, great grandpa Stanley.

He really is the most brilliant, most revolting person

I've ever met, and I've met me!

What are you doing? I wanted this room.

But I'm growing fungus in here.

-Well, take it out, put it in the other room.

-What, your room?

No! THIS is my room.

Get off.

Mum! Let go! Get off of my stuff!

Let go of it!

Let go of it!

SQUELCHING

'Oh. She wasn't very happy about that!

'And it got even worse when I arrived.'

Close your eyes.

Stroke.

Stroke.

That's it!

Isn't it soft and fluffy?

Doesn't it make you happy?

Ohhh! It feels just like a little puppy.

Urgh, mould!

Stanley Brown, stop that immediately.

It's almost a dog!

It's warm and furry and you can take it for a walk.

If you want.

Oh, ladies, you've come for the coffee morning.

Don't come in, they're all weirdoes!

You're all complete weirdoes!

No, no, no, we're not weirdoes.

You see, look, my house is really very clean.

Excuse me, ladies.

And, as well as hanging out with Stanley, I get to graduate,

become a proper scientist!

I'm going to have a lab with an air lock,

and some uranium and...

Oh, some beakers!

OLIVIA BEEPS

Oh, please! Nothing's going to go wrong.

Why do you have to be such a killjoy? I want my beakers!

OLIVIA BEEPS

You are a killjoy!

Killjoy. Killjoy. Killjoy, killjoy, killjoy!

You sooo are!

Just think about it.

Happy Great Stanley Day, everyone!

OLIVIA BEEPS

Oh, shush! It's not like I've told him the exact details.

I mean, I haven't said, "At precisely 8pm tonight, you discover..."

Argh!

Yeah. Thanks for stopping me from revealing details of the future,

but perhaps you could just beep or flash, or something next time.

See! Don't do this, don't break that, don't destroy the future.

As if I'D be stupid enough to risk a future.

Hi, Archie.

-Is this it, has it started?

-What?

-The great cataclysm!

I wasn't allowed to warn you about it

but now the screaming's begun, we must find shelter, come on!

But it's just Steph screaming about the TV people.

Oh. Right.

What's this about a cataclysm?

Oh, nothing. Forget I said anything.

What's this?

You see? You're sooo boring!

HE YAWNS

Ow!

Archibald Brown?

Hey, head dude! Call me Archie.

Call me sir. Come in.

Ooh!

I imagine you know why you're here, Archibald.

It's not exactly rocket science.

No, that's Class 4B after lunch. So?

Yep, totally know why I'm here, so excited - graduation at last!

Nice coat!

I was thinking, when I'm a scientist, I might mix things up a bit,

you know, go radical, get a red lab coat, or purple, or stripes,

you know, sir? Dude, sir.

The reason, Archie, you've been called in is

because I have evidence to suggest that you have been time travelling.

And because you're going to let me graduate?

Come on, time travel?

That's all in the past.

Or sometimes the future.

If you HAVE been time travelling, Archie,

I'm afraid I will NOT be letting you graduate.

I might even be expelling you.

Time travel, Archie, endangers the universe,

and it's against school rules.

Against school rules! Why didn't you tell me that?

Always with the "don't blow up the space time continuum,"

never with the really important stuff.

But you can't kick me out.

Oh, yes, I can.

I'm the headmaster, you see - it's what I do.

That, and shout at the caretaker.

But, what about my beakers?

If you kick me out, I'll never graduate.

I'll have to go and be a pop star or TV presenter,

or head teacher or something,

and that'll be rubbish compared to being a scientist!

It'll be like the worst thing ever.

It might even be more awful than that time Stanley's sister

got her hands on the shed!

POP MUSIC PLAYS

No!

Have you got the worms?

Let's do this!

We're going to need more worms!

Ah, Mike and Jess, I've been expecting you.

We've come to liberate the shed!

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Mike.

Keep back! We have worms!

But I've got perfume!

Jess, help me!

My eyes are bleeding. All this pink.

Abort! Abort!

HE SHUDDERS

Not being a scientist WOULD be worse than that.

In fact, it might even be more terrifyingly sickening

than that time Stanley met Tina!

Er, excuse me.

Not now, Steph! I'm...

ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYS

..busy.

Stanley?

You're not Steph.

No, I'm Tina. I was looking for the bathroom.

Sorry, are you Stanley Brown?

Yeah. Yeah, I am but...

I'm SUCH a fan.

HE TALKS GIBBERISH

Pardon?

Sorry, I forgot how to speak for a moment.

Stanley, the volcano!

What? Oh, that!

Excuse me for a moment.

HE VOMITS

I didn't mean be sick in it!

Just need to...freshen up.

Brrr! Yuck!

Actually, nothing could be more terrifyingly sickening than that.

Although not making it as a scientist would be pretty close.

Look, you can't kick me out, I didn't do anything.

You just admitted that you have been time travelling.

Ah!

Oh, right. Yes, the, er, talking about Stanley's shed and stuff.

Can I un-admit it?

Well, try it and see. It'll be like an experiment.

Oh, OK.

No, I have never time travelled in my life.

Then, Archie, how can you explain these?

HE GASPS

OK, fine! Fine!

I did it! I time travelled.

I did terrible things. Things like bamboozle a stupid 21st-century boy!

Just stay in here and I'll get your MP3 player.

Yeah, well, hurry up and, er, don't tell your weird sister I'm here.

'Oh, this is great! I was especially pleased with this plan.'

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Don't pick your nose!

-Who said that?

-SQUEAKY VOICE: The other voice.

DEEP VOICE: It was me, your conscience.

My what?

Your conscience.

You know, the voice inside your head, inner thoughts, etc, etc?

I have inner thoughts?

For real?

Aye, for real, blood!

So, the inner thoughts are in my blood?

Ha! That's well freaky!

How come I've never heard you before?

You never listened. It's time to start listening now, Daniel.

Go and see the girl.

Give her another chance.

No way, Mr Brain!

She waves scabs in people's faces.

I don't like that in a girl.

But you do like thinking about pancakes, don't you?

I'll never let you think about them again,

unless you go upstairs and do dances with Steph.

All right, I'm going, I'm going!

OLIVIA BEEPS

All right, you helped a bit.

That's very serious, Archie.

But...I only did it so Stanley could get his hands on THAT giant scab.

And, yes, fine, I scared Stanley's sister

and her awful friend Tasha half to death.

I dunno what's happened to this ghost.

Maybe it's upset that you made it up.

It's probably just too light.

You're going to have to be the ghost.

You're going to kill me?

No! Wait till she's distracted then move stuff about.

Knock something off a shelf, yeah?

Wandering spirit, give us a sign.

I told you.

Look, Steph, I'm not going to let you into the group

just because you pretend that...

BANGING

That was...just your brother again.

SHE GASPS

SHE GASPS

It wasn't me!

SHE GASPS

SHE WHIMPERS

THEY SCREAM

Let me out of here!

The only reason I did that was to ensure

Stanley stood on a tarantula and invented bionic spider's legs,

and yes, I...

There's more? Really?

Oh, yeah! I got up to loads of stuff in the past!

Aha! A 21st-century bathroom! Fascinating.

Thank you, Olivia,

but I think I can find my way around without your help.

21st-century humans wee and poo into this bath,

which simply teleports their mess away

and dumps it on Belgium, much as we do in the future.

And this toilet is where they wash their hair. Observe.

I'm telling you, Daisy - this place is haunted.

There's a ghost in the shed that, like, hates boxes.

Oh!

Finally, you are mine!

-Ow, my nose!

-Ha-ha! I've been waiting to get that spot for ages.

Woo-hoo!

# I squeezed a spot! I squeezed a spot!

# A spot on her face and I just squeezed it! #

Whoa!

Bones just fix themselves, like toilets.

-Toilets don't fix themselves.

-Yes, they do.

Well, they do in the future.

Remind me to pop back to your bathroom later on.

Might need some very strong glue.

Hey, at least they flush themselves!

I better go.

You see, Stanley, what did I say?

This is a gorgeous, gorgeous woman,

and then there was kissy, kissy, Aunt Amy.

Did someone just...?

Must have been the wind.

So, yes, I time travelled!

But, really, I only ever did it to get better at science.

Science is my life!

Please don't expel me.

It's still a very serious offence, Archie. Rules are rules.

HE BLUBBERS

Archie, no more tears. Can't have you walking out of here sniffling.

Everyone'll think I've started experimenting on students, OK?

Is there no hope?

I'd do anything to stay in school.

Do you need your shoes shined?

I know of an excellent 21st-century product called shoe polish.

I could nip back and get some for you.

Oh. Not a good idea.

Well, I suppose, Archie, we may not have to expel you.

HIGH-PITCHED: Really? I can stay?

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Mayb...

-NORMAL:

-Maybe, yes,

but I'm not promising anything.

Yes! He's not promising anything.

But...there will be no graduation in the near future,

and you will have to promise me one thing.

Name it!

Never to time travel again.

But...

But, but no more time travel would mean

no more hanging out with Stanley. He's so much fun!

We're going to make the most disgusting film ever.

Woo-hoo! Ha-ha! Up top, guys.

Don't leave me hanging.

HE SIGHS

Ho-ho!

'And the good times kept on coming.'

Icing sugar!

Put the icing sugar in the cola.

Brilliant!

How do you feel?

HE BURPS

Great Stanley Day.

FANFARE

You see? Stanley - fun!

I can't not see him again.

Plus...no more time travel will mean

never hanging out with Jess again, and she's so cool.

Smell my stink!

-Hi-yah!

-Argh!

Will you stop coming at me from behind with awful smells?

What if I sprayed them at you from the front?

Stanley, I do the surprise attacks in this friendship.

I THOUGHT you understood that.

Don't worry, Stanley.

I'll protect you!

Well, I definitely would protect you,

if I wasn't forbidden by the laws of time travel,

and, all right, if I wasn't scared of Jess.

Hiiiyyyy... Hi, Mrs Brown.

I have black belts in jujitsu, Krav Maga and backchat.

You look like a girl.

Well, you look like a donkey in a wig, but I don't judge you.

Listen, sonny, this is local television,

so you're going to shut up and do exactly as I tell you

or you're going to look very stupid in front of hundreds of people.

You'd be the expert in that.

Hi-yah!

Yes.

Oops.

Come on, Jess, it'll just be a bunch of grown-ups sat around talking.

I don't know why you're getting so angry.

What makes you think I'm angry?

Just a feeling, and the fact that you've handcuffed me to the shelves.

You see? Jess - cool!

And never going back to the past would mean

no more hanging out with Mike,

never seeing his silly little face again.

# My name is Mike and my friend's name is Stanley

# And he has an imaginary friend

# Which is really weird! #

I'm so sorry, he's 12.

'Oh, Mike, always trying to do experiments like Stanley.'

Tighter!

Tighter!

CREAKING

Out of my shed!

Help, let me out! I'm in a bucket of slime!

HE SCREAMS

'And his awful camouflage.'

Hey, it's me!

No, really(?) Why are you covered in plants and flowers?

Camouflage. With this combat camo, I can creep up on the enemy,

all stiff, completely unseen.

What do you think?

I think you're a doofus!

Hey, Jess!

See! Fooled you, didn't it?

Camouflage only works if it matches your surroundings.

Hmm, right.

'When Mike and Stanley got together, there was no stopping them.'

It's me!

Sssh! I know it's you. What's this?

It's indoor camouflage. I'm the office.

We don't have an office. Who wears an office?

Duck!

Even if I did, I don't think

it would be going for a walk in my sister's bedroom.

-Oh.

-Good effort, though, Mike!

Where's Mike?

Scab hunters, it's time to go undercover.

I'm the living room!

He never gives up, I'll give him that.

Mikey.

The Big M.

M-Unit.

Oh, please!

You're telling me you will miss Mike?

He irritated the 25th-century pants off of you!

Next, you'll be telling me you'll miss hanging out with Mum, or Steph.

Look, I know that you just think that I'm an old grotbag

but, back in the day, let me tell you, I was...

A slightly younger grotbags?

..a very fine young actress.

I played Juliette in a school production of Annie Get Your Gun.

I had two lines.

So if Stanley wants to make a film, then as you young people say, LOL.

ROFL.

OMG.

Never abbreviate again!

NAA, don't you mean?

Steph, look!

SHE SCREAMS

Mm-hmm! You like?

I thought you might want to hang out and maybe watch a,

what do you call, vampire film like Twiglet?

Twilight! Take that off! Take that off now!

I'm just trying to be cool.

THAT...is not cool. THIS is cool. Don't you know anything?

Oh, so what you're saying is I should dress more like you?

What? No!

Hmm, thanks for the tip, dude. Laters!

'Stanley's mum was pretty weird.'

I'm going to hang up now.

Or Aunty Phyllis, or maybe weepy Terri.

What about drippy Daniel from next door?

And Daisy, remember her?

Daisy!

Steph!

What do you think?

Well, the other day I was thinking, why don't we get banana jam?

Then I thought, what would a badger look like in a wig?

No! About my hair!

My brother's really into science.

Yeah, I know, right? It's like everything has to be measured

and proved before he'll believe in it.

Yeah, things are so much better when they're vague and confusing,

and don't really make any sense.

I think we'll...

I think we'll start with your...eyes.

Ah! Erm...

-I'm your partner.

-No, you're not. I told you yesterday, remember?

-No.

-Well, you're not. I'm with Daniel.

Look, try to understand. I've dumped you so I could work with Daniel, OK?

-You've dumped me?

-We're still friends.

And I utterly respect you, so go away!

Daniel's going to be here soon

and I told him your head's all hanging off!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Will you just...?

Daniel!

This is all your fault. Remind me never to trust her again.

Never trust her again.

'Aw, Daisy really likes Steph. Such dedication.'

-What's that noise?

-Nothing. What noise?

Oh, that noise! Oh, it's coming from the landing.

I'll win you back Steph!

Oh, really? Were they ALL so much fun?

I don't think so.

What? What are you looking at me like that for?

Is my hat on fire again?

How do you know about all those people from the past?

Lucky guess. Listen, best thing for you to do -

get off to class now, there's a good chap,

close the door on the way out, and do your best,

get cracking with that non-time travelling thing. Good lad!

The only way you could know about those people is if you...knew them!

Which means...

Could it really be?

I think you're...

Archie, chop chop!

Good lad, that's it, get back to class, quick as you can.

Yes. See, I've got tea to drink, hats to set on fire,

and secret time travelling to cover up!

You're Stanley Brown!

No! No, I'm not.

Oh, yes, you are!

Oh, no!

Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,

great, great, great, grandpappy! So it's you!

Yes, yes, all right, Archie, I admit it.

-Please, I admit it but no more...

-Oh, this is so brilliant!

-We must tell everyone immediately, they'll be so excited.

-No.

OK, you tell all the present-day people,

I'll travel through time and tell everyone...

No, no! Archie, you can't do that!

Archie, don't tell anyone, you can't say a word, please, not now,

not in the future, and certainly not in the past!

-Why not?

-You see, I...

I have been time travelling for years.

Yes. And it's against the school rules, remember?

Ooh, right. So...you'll get in trouble if everyone found out?

Loads.

As much trouble as with me time travelling?

More, probably. And you're young enough not to know better.

Do I really have to stop doing it?

Well, keep quiet about me doing it and we'll see.

-OK.

-OK.

-Plan.

-Plan.

-Wow!

-Wow!

-And now I know you're you...

-Yes.

..I can help you with those experiments!

Y-Y-Y... No! Archie, don't touch!

What's this? Maybe I can make it better,

if I took the lid off or shook it really violently.

Ah, this'll be like the old days!

So you're saying I just come in and ruin things for you?

Sorry, I've ruined this.

-What are you doing?

-Oh, just a little experiment of my own,

on whether being cold makes you want to have a wee.

Yes, it does.

Are you going to be in here long?

You're experimenting with paper!

Probably trying to make some, or recycle it,

or draw insulting cartoons of your mum on it.

I'm brilliant at those!

I've got a great one of her on the toilet!

Archie!

I've told you I'm not telling you what experiment I'm doing.

You'll just mess it up.

I don't ALWAYS ruin your experiments.

Sometimes I severely compromise them.

Do you remember the ferret experiment?

Yeah!

I've still got bandages in my underpants,

and that's why I'm doing this experiment ON MY OWN!

So, I'll just take a really big...

HE SNIFFS

Pahhh!

We don't care about this, right?

Stop her!

Soon, everything'll be just fine!

Oops!

Oh, my experiments are ruined!

Oops!

Ohhh! Archie helping me all of the time - it would be terrible.

GLASS SMASHES

Pardon? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the breaking glass.

I-I-I mean, Archie, it would be terrible for me

to keep you here at the university, you understand,

when you have so much to offer the scientific community.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

What do you think I'm saying?

That you'll put me in a dungeon under the gym,

with all the little kids that don't put their hands up to go to the loo?

No, no! I'm going to let you graduate.

Yes, go out into the wide world, Archibald Brown,

get your stripy lab coat, do some experiments of your very own!

Graduate?

Me?

Really?

That is revolting!

BOTH: Brilliant!

THEY LAUGH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd