Embarrassment The Roy Files

So there I was, hard at it, doing my homework when my ma comes in.

Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.

But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammo.

Ah, history, gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write the life story of a

historical figure of your choice.

ROY TALKS ALONG: He wants every fact, every figure and every single detail.

I don't know where to start.

What do I know about the woman who built France

or the man who invented hiccups?

-Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that?

You! We're all a part of history.

Ma was right,

but did I really want everybody knowing everything about me?

There's some things I wish even I didn't know.

My dad was very persuasive, though.

You know what he's like when he gets wired up about something.

-Will whatever you're saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?

-No.

Do that, then.

So I'm writing it all down - the life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien.

Cos these are The Roy Files.

-CROWD:

-Roy!

There are two types of embarrassing situations.

The really funny ones that happen to other people,

especially my sister, Becky.

Becky! You forgot your early morning hug!

Aww, a little huggy for Becky, a little...mwah! Mwah!

Pecky for Becky, and a little nose rub just for...

What are you doing? Stop it!

And then there's the seriously unfunny ones,

which are the embarrassing situations that happen to you.

Listen, you're Mammy's little angel.

-Mwah! Mwah!

-BOYS LAUGH

-Ma, will you stop it?!

-Sorry, love.

Listen, good luck at the tournament, yeah?

-Ow! Shut it, will you?

-Yeah.

-See yous, lads!

-BOYS:

-See you!

Hurry along, then... Mammy's little angel!

THEY LAUGH

Let's face it, mums can be embarrassing,

but dads...well, they're in a league of their own.

Dad, we can see your underpants!

-LAUGHTER

-Hm? What?

Ah, look at... Well, these aren't just any ordinary underpants.

No, no, no. These are my lucky underpants.

I've had them ever since the World Cup in 1990.

I wore them for the entire tournament. Four weeks.

-CLASS: Eww!

-What?

And my dad is top of that league.

Fair warning, Maura, I'd give that loo 15 minutes at least.

Well, ten anyway.

-Dad!

-How are you, Roy?

He doesn't even have to try.

When it comes to being embarrassing, he's a natural.

Funny story about this air freshener, erm...

I mistook it one time for deodorant.

Wore it to work for an entire week.

Multiple compliments, by the way.

ROY SIZZLES

Worse than ever! Can't stop!

Aargh!

FRANTIC MUSIC

He told the air freshener story!

Oh, you'd better get outside quick, love.

Coming through, coming through, coming through!

Roy!

How my ma coped with it all these years, I'll never know.

-Nice apron, Dad.

-Oh, thank you, love.

-Suits you.

Nice, isn't it?

-Ma, how do you put up with Dad being so embarrassing?

-Embarrassing?

Oh, Roy, Bill's a lot of things, but he's not embarrassing.

He's creative...

-FORCED ENGLISH ACCENT:

-My dear, you s... My dear,

you sound like a drowned sewer rat...

strangling the English language with all your flat Ts and, er...

-What's, what's the line?

-He's a wonderful father.

Would you put some trousers on you, for goodness' sake?

It's my house, too, you know?

-Hiya, Beck.

-Hiya, honey.

Do you want a biccy? No?

Maybe a hug?

Give Daddy a hug. Come here.

Ma, all I'm seeing is an embarrassing dad.

Maybe if you looked a little harder,

you'd see the hero I see.

I can't walk another inch. We need to call a taxi.

Do you know what?

-There's no need, love.

-What?

-Whoever said chivalry is dead? Come on.

-What?

Whoa!

-Bill, be careful, please. Are you all right, love?

-Yep.

-Bill...

-Yep?

-..we're going down!

CRASHING

Yeah...

-I'll call a taxi.

-Yeah.

I should look a little harder?

Nothing wrong with my eyesight.

She's the one who is blinded by love.

Maybe I need a medical opinion.

Well, Roy, it's important to remember that

feelings of embarrassment can be at their most acute

for someone of your age.

-They can?

-Oh, yes.

It is not uncommon for someone like you to feel that everyone is

watching everything you do,

even staring. But it isn't so.

It's just a phase you're going through.

But everyone does stare at me.

No, Roy.

It's called being self-conscious.

And it's all part of growing up.

So they're not staring when I do stuff like this?

Or this?

Or this?

Dr Raschid. Dr Raschid!

You're staring.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

-Where was I?

-Thanks, Doc, you've been a big help.

Of course, there are some people who never get embarrassed.

Oh, Mr Lucey, it looks like you're under some kind of spell.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It was just...

I was just looking at that, erm, fascinating...

-(Cobweb).

-..cobweb up there.

Cobweb?

As you know, Brian, unlike others I can mention,

I don't do embarrassment.

How could I?

Blessed as I am with an effortless poise and a sense of style.

HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

Well, I'm meeting...

thing now, so...

Yeah, OK.

Everyone has gone mad.

Sadly, not everyone shares my gifts.

Mentioning no names,

but some members of staff should be embarrassed, the way they go

to pieces when the pressure's on.

HE SNORTS

All right, just be polite.

I'll handle the formalities.

Relax!

JAPANESE MUSIC PLAYS

You see, my experience and breadth of knowledge prevents me

from finding myself in embarrassing situations.

Konnichiwa, Mr Tanaka!

(What's Derek doing?)

(I have no idea).

(Konnichiwa is just for the afternoon to say hello,

(not the morning).

(Bowing isn't a competition).

Do something, Paul. Make it stop.

The trick is, as long as you know what you're doing,

you simply can't embarrass yourself.

We welcome you to our most humble school, Mr Tanaka!

You honour us with your presence!

Thank you very much for the warm welcome.

I am the one who is honoured to visit you today.

I hope this is the beginning of a long

and lasting relationship between our schools.

No, no, no, no, we are honoured with your presence, Mr Tanaka!

The honour is mine Hammond-san.

I must insist it is we who are honoured

-with your presence.

-OK.

Take note, Mr Lucey, first impressions are the most important.

Can you imagine going through life without ever being embarrassed?

I can't. My life is just one big long list of embarrassing moments.

Show me.

I used to embarrass myself at school all the time.

That all stopped when my dad got a job there,

then he embarrassed me all the time.

Did you know King Charles I got his head chopped off?

History is a mad subject.

You just don't get that many beheadings in geography.

Oh, that's a nasty-sounding business, that.

You want to watch you don't give yourselves nightmares.

Not like the last time, Roy.

-What was the last time?

-Nothing. Nothing.

I had a stupid nightmare a few weeks ago, that's all.

It wasn't really nothing, it was Mr Hammond dressed as a clown.

Roy!

It doesn't matter what it was. Forget about it, it's stupid.

It doesn't get much worse than that, right? Wrong.

In fairness, who wouldn't want to sleep with their mummy

for a few nights after having a nightmare like that?

-You told them!

-Sorry. I didn't mean to.

Sleeping with your mummy, are you, Roy?

Oh, priceless!

The good news is, with a little work, you can

get the blushing thing under control.

You're dad's licking up to Hammo!

How embarrassing is that?!

It's priceless, it's priceless.

I'm calm and still

and still and calm.

Your dad was left hanging with a high five.

A nice serve, Roy's dad.

I did it! I beat the blush!

And once you're in control,

those embarrassing feelings can be put to good use.

Like, say, when you're out of charcoal at a barbecue.

I think this is kind of embarrassing. What if someone sees us?

-Brilliant.

-Next.

-I hear the hot dogs are good.

Two hot dogs, please.

Oh, hot dogs, right, I'd better get the buns out.

I'd better get the... It doesn't matter.

No, here we go.

Three-second rule, son.

You can't beat the classics.

-Nice one, Dad.

-There you are, love. Mind yourself.

But keeping Barbecue Bill in business was going to take more than that.

I'm losing my glow! Quick, Dad, we need something big.

-I hoped it wouldn't come to this.

-Come to what?

-You've got to hand it to my dad.

-What are you doing?

Just when you think you've seen everything he's got to give...

-Watch this.

-..he finds another thing.

-How are you doing?

-Wait, what's that music?

Huh! Dad.

Dancing? No!

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, no!

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Dad!

Oh, no.

Miss Jarvis.

Ah! No, no, no, no!

Not Miss Jarvis, too.

Oh, Dad.

I think I overdid it a bit, there.

-Are you kidding me? We are just getting started.

-No, no...

Oh, no!

Dancing parents. Is there anything more embarrassing?

Don't you worry, son, I heard what you said and I will not

be embarrassing you with any of my old dancing moves again.

Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome.

Because I've got all kinds of new dancing moves

and they are coming your way, son.

Come on, get involved. I'll try the crab.

You still got it, Bill.

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, no!

Becky? Tara?

Dr Raschid?

Not Hammo! No!

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Make it stop! MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Well, there it is.

Plenty to think about when it comes to embarrassment,

but keep to these simple rules and you will be fine.

We all get embarrassed from time to time and that's OK.

It is how we learn from our mistakes.

Just don't let it stop you from having fun.

Oh, if you're a blusher like me, don't worry.

The truth is it makes us look pretty cute.

All right, I am out of here before this gets any more embarrassing.

SHE LAUGHS

Now that's embarrassing!

See, I told you it looks cute.

See yous.