Part 1 The Sarah Jane Adventures

WEAPON FIZZLES

Mistress, I bring you another.

Bring me more. I need more. So many more children.

It shall be done, Mistress.

At breakfast times I am so hungry I could murder a bowl of cornflakes.

Does that make me a CEREAL killer?

-You're not laughing.

-It wasn't very funny.

But I've been studying jokes, their structure and history.

You swap words around. So that was a joke.

Well, I don't think it'll get you on the telly.

So what makes a joke funny? I've read timing is important. But how?

-I don't know, it's complicated.

-Is the context important?

Why does everything with you lead

to about 500 questions? Come on, I want a new bag.

-You've got lots of bags.

-You can never have too many bags.

Another thing I don't understand.

You're a guy, you're not meant to.

What do you reckon, soldier?

Do you think you're man enough to have a go?

-I have to go shopping.

-Well, that's kind of answered my question.

-Come on, Luke.

-Here you go.

-Cut-price vouchers in case you change your mind.

-Thank you.

Thanks. Come on.

Posters are up. I'm doing a local radio piece at three,

and I've given the half-price tickets to a street team to shift.

You wait, Mr Kudlak. The last few weeks' takings will be nothing

compared to what we've got coming.

Oh, we've got a birthday party shoot 'em up booked in for tomorrow.

HISSING ROAR

I grow tired of your talk, Mr Grantham. Just bring me children!

This is Lance.

Oh, thank you, Mrs Metcalf.

I can't begin to imagine what the last three days have been like.

How you're coping.

I keep thinking my head's going to break.

That's what it feels like.

I'm on edge every minute,

thinking that he'll walk up the path,

or the police will come and tell me...

Children do turn up safely. There's still every chance.

Someone may have seen something without knowing it.

My story might make them come forward.

-I hope so.

-Has anything like this happened before?

-Lance has never run away after an argument?

-We never argue.

Me and Lance,

we've only got each other now.

We know that life's too short for rowing.

I see.

I'm sorry.

Well, perhaps you could tell me what happened on Saturday.

Nothing happened, only Lance never came back.

He was going out to meet his friend, Brandon.

They were going down the arcade. He lives for his video games.

Only Brandon never saw him on Saturday.

Lance never showed up.

He just vanished into thin air.

Help me get my boy back, Miss Smith. Please.

LAUGHTER

-Do you mind?

-Ah, sorry, Sarah Jane.

-Clyde was just bogging around with Maria's new bag.

-I'm sorry?

Mucking. I was MUCKING around. Or messing.

The words are important in slang, Luke. You can't improvise.

-Sorry, we'll get out of your way.

-No, no, wait.

I saw the mother of that boy that went missing.

Your friend, Lance Metcalf.

Friend? Don't get me wrong, Sarah Jane, I hope he's OK.

But the Corporal's not really been up for making friends.

-The Corporal?

-Lance. Lance Corporal.

And did you know his father was in the Army and was killed in Iraq?

Nicknames aren't always funny.

Well, I hope he didn't run away because he was bullied.

-Luke made up the nickname.

-People laughed. I thought that was good.

It wasn't Luke's fault. No-one knew about Lance's dad.

He didn't tell anyone. He didn't have much to do with any of us.

At break he was too busy with his Nintendo.

But I made a joke out of his name.

Maybe Lance wanted friends, like I did.

-Instead, I probably made him run away!

-Oh, no, Luke it was...

-It's all my fault!

-No, Luke, look...

I'd better go and talk to him.

-No. Let me. I did drop him in it.

-OK.

Is he finding it really hard, Maria, to fit in?

No harder than the rest of us. Clyde will talk to him. He'll be OK.

-How was Lance's mum?

-Oh, going out of her mind with worry.

Do you think there's something weird about Lance disappearing?

I mean, you don't think there's aliens involved, or anything?

I don't see aliens behind every bush, Maria.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist.

No, I know. I just wondered, that's all.

Now, this friend of Lance Metcalf's, Brandon. Do you know him?

ELECTRONIC WEAPONS FIRE

Hi, Brandon.

What do you want?

-This is my friend, Sarah Jane.

-Hi.

I want to ask you some questions about Lance.

That's him.

-Halo?

-Yeah, that's Lance.

-He's the nuts.

-Is that good?

-Very.

-Oh.

I was meant to meet him on Saturday in the park.

-We was going to go to the arcade.

-And did you?

-Well, he never showed.

The storm may have put him off.

-There wasn't a storm.

-Are you calling me a liar?

No. But Saturday was warm and sunny. I was in the garden until dark.

Yeah. Well, it was weird, wasn't it? It only lasted a minute.

All these clouds came up the hill and then it just poured on me.

Then the clouds just vanished and it was blue skies again.

-I mean, it was weird, and...

-Frightening?

-Yeah.

Man, I thought you'd gone AWOL, along with Lance.

-Been looking all over for you.

-Why?

Cos that's what friends do.

They try and help. And friends shouldn't grass each other up.

-I'm sorry.

-How did you "grass me up"?

Look, we'll get back to Slang 101 another day. Ding-ding. New class.

How the Corporal doing a runner has got nothing to do with Luke.

-Don't call him that.

-He's not here.

I wasn't trying to be cruel. I was trying to be funny.

Yeah. Well, not everyone's cut out to be me. ..See what I mean?

Kudlak?

I am here, Mistress.

Time grows short. You must bring me children, Kudlak.

Fresh, strong, children.

I will, Mistress. You have my vow.

This hunger for blood, it never ends.

You shall have what you need, Mistress.

Soon you shall have all the children you need.

Have all these kids really gone missing in a year?

Mr Smith, we need to cross-reference these disappearances with reports

of localised freak weather conditions.

'I will assimilate with meteorological databases.

'Processing initiated.'

I don't get it. What has this storm got to do with Lance going missing?

That's what we'll find out.

I don't think Brandon's the sort to be scared by a normal storm, do you?

Maybe there is something "weird" about Lance's disappearance.

'I have a data-match for twenty-four children.'

Twenty-four?

'Their disappearances all coincide with instances of unexpected

-'but short-lived torrential rain.'

-All towns and cities.

-Why would it rain like that?

-'Insufficient data.'

Well, Mr Smith, maybe we can get you some more.

-So what are we doing, exactly?

-Pass me that spanner.

-What do you know about energy?

-It can't be created or destroyed.

Very good.

Now, a storm is created by, and in turn creates, energy.

The residue in the atmosphere could tell us quite a lot.

Now put those rubber gloves on and pass me those two metal cylinders,

one at a time.

No! I said put the gloves on first!

Those are made from Cibrianite flux.

Touch them both at the same time without protection

and you complete a circuit that will put you out cold for an hour.

Oh. You know, we should get my dad over.

He's good at DIY. We could say it's my science project.

He's got lots of tools.

Bet he hasn't got one of these. Stand back.

Sometimes it feels like I'll never fit in to this world.

When I made a joke about Lance's name, it felt like...

like a breakthrough because people laughed.

Instead, it was another social miscalculation.

Gaffe, Luke. It was a gaffe.

-You said a "gaff" was where a "dude" lives.

-It's different.

-Just stick to the text, OK?

-You see? Things are so complex.

Complex?! Be grateful your old man didn't run off with your Aunt Melba.

Just listen to me. I'm an expert in complex.

So you can explain things?

Just ask Encyclopaedia Clydannica. Go on, anything you want.

What's the purpose of games?

Why play games?

This.

This looks like war. But it's a game. Why?

-It's just a laugh.

-But they pretend to kill people.

OK. You want to find out? Let's do it.

Mistress is worried.

It has been a month, yet our returns are minimal.

-I can't help the kids being low-grade.

-We must find better.

We must work harder.

Your Mistress should go out with a sandwich board.

She could hand out some flyers.

-Do not mock my Mistress.

-It was a joke. OK?

-We serve at her pleasure, Mr Grantham.

-Yeah, sure, sure.

Neither of us is irreplaceable.

Not I, and certainly not you.

HISSING ROAR

Ta-da! Right, this is where Brandon got caught in the rain.

Come on, let's get her going.

OK.

Right, now,

turn the dial...on the left

6.02 for the electromagnetic pulse trace.

Just got to calibrate the Kohonen net.

Right switch to 15 and the middle to 2.6.

Now, then...

Right. Fire her up.

-BLEEPING

-Again.

-Oh.

Nothing. Once more.

There should be some sort of reaction.

-What's happening?

-It works!

My machine works!

'Particles identified as entanglement shells.'

OK. And do you want to tell us what an entanglement shell is, exactly?

'Used by climate engineers to terraform hostile environments.

'In order to support life, they stimulate rainfall.'

Ealing doesn't need that. We get too much rain.

'If I might continue?'

-Please.

-'Entanglement shells can also be

'a by-product of trans-dimensional energy dispersal.'

By what?

Teleportation.

Aliens! I knew it!

Lance was kidnapped by aliens?

Oh, they've been kidnapping people from Earth for decades.

The question is, why Lance? And from where?

Mr Smith, can you pinpoint the exact centre of the storm on Saturday?

'Weather geo-stationary satellites record every hour and are unlikely

'to have registered such a brief meteorological anomaly.

'I will access a military satellite.'

You shoot out people's sensors.

If you get hit, your gun goes down

for five seconds and you lose a life. You get 100 lives.

The person at the end with the most lives left wins.

-Last man standing.

-But I still don't get the point.

Wait until the adrenaline starts pumping!

'Attention, Warriors of the Future!

'Take your places at the Arena Doors.

'Prepare to do battle. Show no mercy,

'take no prisoners.

'This is a fight for survival.

'Only one can be the ultimate warrior.

'Battle commences in ten seconds...'

Well, Grantham? Have you brought me good stock?

I wouldn't get your hopes up just yet.

-'Four...three...two...one!'

-Take no prisoners!

'Commence combat!'

THEY ALL SCREAM

'This is animated data from a NATO satellite covering Western Europe.

'Taken on Saturday at 1604 hours.' THUNDER RUMBLES

Run it again. And slow it down.

People never vanish without a trace.

There's always a footprint, a tyre track.

You've just got to know where to look. Stop.

Show me what's right there, at the heart of it.

I know that place... We were there earlier, me and Luke!

Combat 3000!

Cover me, cover me!

Watch out!

Go, Luke, I'll cover you.

Well, well, well. You're not such a mummy's boy after all, are you?

-Mmm. Someone shows promise?

-There's a couple of kids.

One of them is really something.

Really going for it, it's like he's got something to prove.

I smell warrior blood!

Mistress will be pleased. Aaaahh!

I wouldn't bet your spaceship on it just yet.

Let's see if he makes it through Level Two.

Hey, I won!

And look! You came second!

Yeah. Beginners' luck, I guess. Maybe we should go again.

I thought you said it was for kids.

It's all part of your education. I'm not enjoying it or anything.

Impressive score, Soldier Eight.

He says it was beginners' luck. But I've got better reflexes

-and hand to eye co-ordination than most kids.

-You do? Wow.

Well, you make one hell of a Future Warrior, Soldier.

You mean I'd be good at killing people? ..If the eventuality arose.

You don't get invited to too many parties, do you?

I was showing him what to do. He's Luke.

Which makes me Obi-Wan Kenobi. Soldier Seven. How's it going?

OK, listen up. Me and Mr Kudlak, he's the proprietor,

we run a special competition for the more skilled competitors.

It's Level Two. Now, what do you think? Are you up for it?

-Yeah!

-Good.

Welcome to the unique gaming experience that IS Combat 3000.

Zap those Drones.

Hi. Erm, yep, I'd like to book a party.

I've heard a lot about this place. Apparently it's The Nuts.

OK, let's agree to never say that ever again.

-I wouldn't if I were you.

-I'm sorry?

For her, is it? I'd take her to see a film.

You don't want to come here, it's mental.

Used to be lovely and peaceful, till Mr Grantham took over.

-Mr Grantham?

-Him and his partner, Mr Kudlak.

-Not that anybody ever sees him.

-Would it be possible to speak to him?

D'you know, it always seems to be raining since they moved in.

My sister's offered me part-time in The Tanning Salon and I'm thinking,

"Well, you only live once."

-Tell you what, why don't we just go through. You're busy.

-Hey!

Welcome to the unique gaming experience...

See him? He does kick boxing,

she does athletics for the county, and he's in the football A team.

This is wicked. It's like Premier League for laser tag.

OK, guys. Well done for getting through to Level Two.

New arena, new objective.

You'll be split into four dispersement groups.

You'll access the arena from here, here and here.

When the first siren sounds, you'll break for cover.

-When the second siren sounds, the mission begins.

-Mission?

The first soldier to make it through the door, down the corridor

and into this chamber will win their place in the World Championships.

They have a laser tag World Championships?!

That's kinda why I said it. Now, this time,

you don't get 100 lives, OK?

-You get ten.

-Ten?

-Piece of cake.

-Do you think so?

A word of advice, son,

the ultimate Warrior of the Future

is always on guard for surprise attacks.

Seems like a good place to start.

SONIC SCREWDRIVER WHIRRS

Whoa!

The others are playing by the old rules. To be the last man standing.

If we work as a team, we'll have the strategic advantage.

Like I said. Piece of cake.

ALARM SOUNDS

Aaaargggh!

Grantham... Grantham!

What are we looking for?

You'll know when you find it. See what bubbles up.

Does that mean you don't know?

-Not as such.

-Perhaps I can help?

Mr Grantham, I presume. Not Mr Kudlak.

He likes to stay in the shadows.

-I wonder why that is?

-Who are you and what are you doing in my office?

Sarah Jane Smith. Journalist.

-Who's she?

-My work experience girl.

It was either this or putting up scaffolding.

I'm doing a story on laser games

and their effect on aggression levels among young people.

No comment. Now get out.

Any comment on Lance Metcalf?

The boy that disappeared three days ago.

24 children have disappeared. Manchester, Brighton, Leeds...

All cities where there's a Combat 3000.

Every time in the middle of a freak storm.

Still no comment, Mr Grantham?

Do you know why people come to Combat 3000, Miss Smith, hmm?

They come for the guns.

A soldier that fights alone dies alone.

These two will do, Mistress.

'Good, Kudlak. Send them to me.

-'Send them to me!'

-In the name of the Emperor, it shall be done, Mistress.

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

OK. That's it. The door to the World Championships.

-How many lives do you have left?

-Six. You?

Four. I think we're well ahead of the opposition.

Are you ready?

Remember what the manager said.

Be ready for a surprise attack.

I am ready to rock! I am ready to roll!

Move!

Oh, please, don't be offended.

This isn't the first time I've seen a gun,

and guns from other planets? Oooh, afraid I've rather lost count.

Will you die happy if I tell you that I'm impressed?

I'll die happy when I get Lance

and the other children you kidnapped to their parents safe and well.

Don't worry about them, Miss Smith.

Children adore war games.

HE GROWLS AND LAUGHS

Yeah! Aaahhhh!

-It's raining.

-They're powering up the teleporter.

-Get rid of them, Grantham! Now!

-FEEDBACK WHINES

Don't you have any conscience about what you're doing with those kids?

Let me tell you about conscience.

A conscience is like a stone in your shoe.

You cannot begin to imagine the relief once you get rid of it.

-Goodbye, Miss Smith.

-Just a moment. Please.

Just a moment.

Bit of lippy?

Last request?

LOUD FEEDBACK

Come on! We don't have much time! We have to find

that transporter and shut it down!

What happens now?

-Do we get like a trophy or something?

-I don't know.

But I'm thinking this is kind of...weird.

Come on, it's just a game.

-What exactly does a matter transporter look like?

-Look!

It's Luke and Clyde!

What's going on?

-No!

-Be proud of them.

-MARIA SCREAMS

-Where have you sent them? Where?!

Into darkness!

HE ROARS

Oh-ho! Looks like things are finally picking up round here.

You're a disgrace to your own species, Grantham.

Kids from all over must have gone missing.

-I doubt that men like you fare too well in prison.

-What's with this

Warrior stuff? All we did was win a game of laser tag.

Oh, yeah, we rock.

It's not Kudlak that calls all the shots.

Whatever's going on has got nothing to do with us.

-'Prepare them for transportation to the front.'

-Yes, mistress.

-Kudlak doesn't see it like that.

-I'll be back, Mr Grantham,

I'll be back.

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