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# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time
# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste
# Performing to the limit To try and get released
# Go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer
# Polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour
# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamber
# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
'Ah, "Warden Of The Month competition!
' "The winner will be surprised at work today."
'Yes, it's about time I won that.'
'What's Mr Burgess so engrossed in?
'It can't be as interesting as the article I'M reading.
'Apparently, the latest celebrity craze is wink yourself fit.'
'What's that buffoon up to? The idiots I'm forced to work with!
'If I don't win Warden Of The Month, whilst working next to Wally-chops,
'something is seriously amiss.'
Ah, well, back to work, I suppose!
'Dating agency, eh?
'If Mr Burgess had a girlfriend, it might cheer him up a bit.'
Maybe I can help him out.
If you're going to be a human dustbin act,
you can't be so fussy with your food. Eat your mashed potato!
Have we tried him with the soup?
-Oi! You two!
-Don't stand there gawping!
-Help put these posters up!
-Who's in the show today?
Glad you asked. This week, I've chosen Valentin's Human Slinky!
And impressionist, Two's Company.
-Are you ready for the Freedom Show, Gollum?
And Basketball Man and the twinkling feet of Solid Feet!
They've been behaving, so I'm giving them a shot at freedom.
Off you go.
Can I ask your advice, please?
Fire away, kiddo!
I want to do something nice for Mr Burgess.
-I thought I'd contact a dating agency and get him a date.
That's a lovely idea, young Jeremy. Marvellous.
-It might cheer him up. You can use my office to call.
I mean, Guv!
Now, about this food...
Oh, hello, is that the dating agency?
Jeremy Gimbert here. I'm calling on behalf of a friend.
What do you mean, "that's what they all say"? I am!
I'd like to leave date requirements. She needs to be quite strict...
..and she needs to be very good looking.
And the date will be here in half an hour? Great. Thanks. Bye.
What's he up to?
Ha, looking for a girlfriend, is he?
What a sad, desperate, lonely, little chump that man is! Right...
I think I can spice his love life up a little bit.
Oh, hello, is that the dating agency?
Yes, it's me. It's Jeremy Gimbert here again.
Yes, I've had a complete change of mind.
All those requirements I read out to you...
Well, I'd like you to give me the exact opposite of what I asked for.
No, I'm completely sure.
OK, thank you. Bye-bye.
I'm glad the committee agreed with my Warden Of The Month suggestion.
I'll see you soon for the surprise announcement.
Felix, you will remember to return my leopard skin leotard, won't you?
-Mr Burgess, what can I do for you?
-The prisoners are getting ready
-and I thought it was time you did, too.
We've got a little surprise for you later on.
Oh, have you, sir?
I think I can guess what it is.
All right. Attention, everybody.
As you know, the Freedom Show is about to start.
The audience are on their way in, which is very exciting,
but before that, we have a surprise announcement.
The Chairman of the Warden Of The Month Committee!
Thank you, HMM Slammer. It's a pleasure to be here.
We are here to do a very important job.
We are here to announce the winner of the Warden Of The Month competition.
And the winner is... DRUM ROLL
-Oh, Mr Burgess, it's ME!
Get yourself up here to accept your prize!
Oh, no! Anyone but HIM!
I've nominated Jeremy because of his thoughtfulness to colleagues.
-Tell everyone what you did for Mr Burgess.
-I though he looked lonely,
so I set him up on a date.
-That'll be her now!
Hello, there, my dear.
I told you I had a nice surprise for you, Frank.
-You're going to have a lovely night dancing away...
-But not just yet, Frank. We've got a show to do, remember.
-How do I look?
-Never mind that. It's SHOW TIME!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Slammer,
where you decide which prisoner will be released!
Now, please welcome your host!
Offering redemption to stars in detention...
it's the Guv'nor!
Who's the Guv'nor?
YOU'RE THE GUV'NOR!
Hey, welcome to The Slammer!
We've got some marvellous performing prisoners
and you're gonna decide who's gonna walk free.
So listen to this little lot...
We've got a marvellous impressionist called Two's Company!
-We've got a strange basketball act called Juggler Jam!
And a marvellous tap-dancing act called Solid Feet!
On to our first performing prisoner.
I guarantee you've never seen anything like this act.
He's on remand on The Slammer, so we can work out what he is.
Jailers and jailbirds, show your appreciation for Valentin's Human Slinky!
MUSIC: "Beware Of The Dog" by Jamelia
Round of applause for Valentin's Human Slinky!
He'll never go straight on the outside. But what did you think?
-I thought it was the best thing I've ever seen.
What did you think about it?
I really liked it. I think that he was really good.
He looked a bit like jelly because he flopped his arms around...
-A bit like who?
-He looked like jelly?
-He could become the human jelly.
-This is Brenda, I believe.
-Yes, it is.
-Did you like the human slinky?
-Mind you, you're easily pleased, aren't you?
-I am. Yes.
Could you sum that act up in one word.
-Well, do we like the human slinky?
He may be going free, but we don't know.
It's up to you to decide after three more acts.
Now, marvellous impressionists called Two's Company.
They're in The Slammer serving ten years for impersonating a policeman.
Cheer and clap for the fabulous Two's Company!
MUSIC: Dr Who Theme Tune
Doctor...where are we? Why's it so dark?
I don't know. Maybe someone turned the lights out.
Don't worry. I've got my sonic screwdriver.
Madame Tussauds. What's that, then?
We must be on Earth!
Madame Tussauds is where people go to look at statues of famous people and they're made of wax!
That's boring. Why don't we put a bit of life into the situation.
Oh, no! What have you done?! They're coming to life!
Look, it's coming towards us! It's someone Welsh! Charlotte Church!
# You're making me a crazy chick! #
Hello and welcome to the Charlotte Church Show!
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is Woody from Toy Story!
I'm sorry, Charlotte. I can't stop and talk.
I gotta go on some crazy adventure with Buzz and Bo-Peep.
-Well, mainly Bo-Peep.
New word for the day is "cake"! A bit of cake!
Chocolate cake! I love a bit of chocolate cake.
All I want is cake. Cake! I love the cake!
Here, we got a new member of Fat Fighters.
-Her name's Lauren.
-Am I bothered?!
-You must be bothered, or you wouldn't be here.
-You calling me fat? D'you think I'm fat?
-Am I fat, though? Do I look like a sponge pudding?
-Do I look like you?
-Am I bothered?!
You are something else...!
MUSIC FROM BIG BROTHER
Big Brother House, this is Davina!
And the winner of Big Brother is Pete!
-WHISTLES AND GRUNTS
Oh, Big Brother, I'm so upset
cos Pete doesn't love me any more!
Silence! I don't know which one of you it was -
whether it was you, Miss Granger, you, Mr Weasley,
or you, Mr Potter.
But one of you has materialised a big, flashing blue box...
boom box, boom box...boom...
Doctor, they weren't wax at all!
They were robots!
Give them a big round of applause! Two's Company!
Pretty impressive, but what did you all think?
Did Two's Company make an impression on you?
It was absolutely hilarious and I'd give it 9 out of 10.
-I didn't hear you laughing much.
-Not lying to me, are you, sir?
-What are your thoughts?
-Very funny. Extremely fantastic.
-I can't do impressions of those people.
-Can you do any?
Yoda from Star Wars.
Mmhmm... Jedi must become!
Can you do a Dalek? Watch this.
MR BURGESS! MR BURGESS!
One final word to sum that act up of Two's Company. Sir?
-It was wonderful how...
-That's not two words, is it, sir?
-Give us your comments.
-It was wonderful
how they could change their voices so quickly to different characters.
Can you do any? Mr Gimbert does a good one of a man with no talent.
Right, sir, sum that act up in one final word.
We've got a marvellous performing prisoner called Juggler Jam.
He's a juggling basketball player from Moscow in Russia.
Please give a round of applause for Juggler Jam!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Give him a round of applause!
What did you think of Juggler Jam?
Was it good to see Juggler Jam bouncing back?
I'm not sure about the outfit, but that act was amazing!
What would you do to improve the outfit?
If he's a basketball player, you don't go around in a black cardi.
Don't pick your nose. You'll end up getting it.
What did you think about our wonderful juggler?
I thought it was classic and I've never seen anything like it before.
-I thought it was the best performance so far.
-And one final word...
Please make loads of noise and raise the roof
for the fabulous twinkling toes of Solid Feet!
Let's hear it for Solid Feet!
What a marvellous act. Slightly over-dressed, but brilliant!
Solid Feet. Savvy feet or sloppy feet?
It was marvellous how they moved their feet so fast.
I thought I could tap-dance a bit, but nowhere near as good as that.
I thought it was amazing. When they moved, they make music.
I'd give them ten out of ten.
Over to Trinny and Susannah. How would you dress that mob?
-I wasn't sure about the Beanie and he needs a haircut.
-And the costume?
-I'm not sure.
-Different coloured tap shoes to go with the jeans.
And sir, sum that act up in one final word.
It's time to decide who goes free from The Slammer with this...
modelled by Gimbert with his Warden of the Month trophy.
Who's gonna go free? Before that, we've got to welcome them back.
Please give a big hand for all of them!
The Human Slinky! Two's Company!
Juggler Jam! And Solid Feet!
I want you to make lots of noise.
Remember, only one act can walk or tap or slink their way free
from The Slammer! Who will it be?
First of all, a very, very unusual act indeed. You loved him.
Show your appreciation for Valentin, The Human Slinky!
Let's see the score.
Ooh, that's a good score.
Well, they certainly made an impression on you.
What did you think of our marvellous impressionists?
Show your appreciation for Two's Company!
Right, let's have a look. Two's Company.
Oh, a very high score!
But it does mean that you're staying with us.
Well, he was very, very unusual,
and he's certainly astonished you.
Did you think he did enough to go free from The Slammer? Juggler Jam!
He's a high man. Can he get a high score?
Oh, yes! I think that means that Juggler Jam is in the lead!
It's very, very close!
Now, there's just one more act to see.
If they beat a score of 102.7,
they're gonna dance their way out of The Slammer. It's up to you.
Please, a big hand for Solid Feet!
Ladies and gentlemen, I don't think we've ever had four acts
that have all scored over 100.
It could happen today.
Let's see. Is it higher...?
104.3! What a score!
It means, Jailers and Jailbirds,
that they go free! Solid Feet!
The rest of you, back to the cells.
A round of applause. The Human Slinky, Two's Company, Juggler Jam!
They were all brilliant.
For an act that's a whizzer and a whammer,
join us soon for fun on The Slammer!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
It's warden of the month award time in the Slammer and Burgess is sure he's in the running. Performing for freedom are a dance group, impressionists, a basketball act, and a giant human slinky - but who will be released?