Episode 11 The Slammer


Episode 11

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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit To try and get released

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# Go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

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# Polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamber

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

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'Ah, "Warden Of The Month competition!

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' "The winner will be surprised at work today."

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'Yes, it's about time I won that.'

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'What's Mr Burgess so engrossed in?

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'It can't be as interesting as the article I'M reading.

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'Apparently, the latest celebrity craze is wink yourself fit.'

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'What's that buffoon up to? The idiots I'm forced to work with!

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'If I don't win Warden Of The Month, whilst working next to Wally-chops,

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'something is seriously amiss.'

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Ah, well, back to work, I suppose!

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'Dating agency, eh?

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'If Mr Burgess had a girlfriend, it might cheer him up a bit.'

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Maybe I can help him out.

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If you're going to be a human dustbin act,

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you can't be so fussy with your food. Eat your mashed potato!

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Have we tried him with the soup?

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CHUCKLING

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-Oi! You two!

-Three!

-Don't stand there gawping!

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-Help put these posters up!

-Who's in the show today?

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Glad you asked. This week, I've chosen Valentin's Human Slinky!

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And impressionist, Two's Company.

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-Are you ready for the Freedom Show, Gollum?

-Yes, Master.

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And Basketball Man and the twinkling feet of Solid Feet!

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They've been behaving, so I'm giving them a shot at freedom.

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Off you go.

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Can I ask your advice, please?

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Fire away, kiddo!

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I want to do something nice for Mr Burgess.

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-I thought I'd contact a dating agency and get him a date.

-A date?

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That's a lovely idea, young Jeremy. Marvellous.

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-It might cheer him up. You can use my office to call.

-Thanks, Uncle...

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I mean, Guv!

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Now, about this food...

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GRR!

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Oh, hello, is that the dating agency?

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Jeremy Gimbert here. I'm calling on behalf of a friend.

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What do you mean, "that's what they all say"? I am!

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I'd like to leave date requirements. She needs to be quite strict...

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serious...

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..and she needs to be very good looking.

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And the date will be here in half an hour? Great. Thanks. Bye.

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What's he up to?

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Ha, looking for a girlfriend, is he?

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What a sad, desperate, lonely, little chump that man is! Right...

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I think I can spice his love life up a little bit.

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Oh, hello, is that the dating agency?

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Yes, it's me. It's Jeremy Gimbert here again.

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Yes, I've had a complete change of mind.

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All those requirements I read out to you...

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Well, I'd like you to give me the exact opposite of what I asked for.

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No, I'm completely sure.

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OK, thank you. Bye-bye.

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I'm glad the committee agreed with my Warden Of The Month suggestion.

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I'll see you soon for the surprise announcement.

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Felix, you will remember to return my leopard skin leotard, won't you?

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-Mr Burgess, what can I do for you?

-The prisoners are getting ready

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-and I thought it was time you did, too.

-You're right.

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We've got a little surprise for you later on.

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Oh, have you, sir?

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CHEERING

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I think I can guess what it is.

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All right. Attention, everybody.

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As you know, the Freedom Show is about to start.

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The audience are on their way in, which is very exciting,

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but before that, we have a surprise announcement.

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The Chairman of the Warden Of The Month Committee!

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Thank you, HMM Slammer. It's a pleasure to be here.

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No, honestly...

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We are here to do a very important job.

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We are here to announce the winner of the Warden Of The Month competition.

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And the winner is... DRUM ROLL

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-Jeremy Gimbert!

-Oh, Mr Burgess, it's ME!

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Oh...!

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Get yourself up here to accept your prize!

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Oh, no! Anyone but HIM!

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I've nominated Jeremy because of his thoughtfulness to colleagues.

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-Tell everyone what you did for Mr Burgess.

-I though he looked lonely,

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so I set him up on a date.

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-DOORBELL

-That'll be her now!

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DOOR CREAKS

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HOOTER

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Hello, there, my dear.

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I told you I had a nice surprise for you, Frank.

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-You're going to have a lovely night dancing away...

-But sir...

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-SIREN

-But not just yet, Frank. We've got a show to do, remember.

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-How do I look?

-Fine.

-Thank you.

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-How do

-I

-look?

-Never mind that. It's SHOW TIME!

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Slammer,

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where you decide which prisoner will be released!

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Now, please welcome your host!

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Offering redemption to stars in detention...

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it's the Guv'nor!

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CHEERING

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Who's the Guv'nor?

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YOU'RE THE GUV'NOR!

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Hey, welcome to The Slammer!

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We've got some marvellous performing prisoners

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and you're gonna decide who's gonna walk free.

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So listen to this little lot...

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We've got a marvellous impressionist called Two's Company!

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OOH!

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-We've got a strange basketball act called Juggler Jam!

-WHOO!

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And a marvellous tap-dancing act called Solid Feet!

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WHOO!

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On to our first performing prisoner.

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I guarantee you've never seen anything like this act.

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He's on remand on The Slammer, so we can work out what he is.

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Jailers and jailbirds, show your appreciation for Valentin's Human Slinky!

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: "Beware Of The Dog" by Jamelia

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CHEERING

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Round of applause for Valentin's Human Slinky!

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APPLAUSE

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He'll never go straight on the outside. But what did you think?

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-Views, madam.

-I thought it was the best thing I've ever seen.

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What did you think about it?

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I really liked it. I think that he was really good.

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He looked a bit like jelly because he flopped his arms around...

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-A bit like who?

-Jelly.

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-He looked like jelly?

-Yeah.

-He could become the human jelly.

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-This is Brenda, I believe.

-Yes, it is.

-Did you like the human slinky?

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-Fantabulous!

-Mind you, you're easily pleased, aren't you?

-I am. Yes.

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Nice top.

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Could you sum that act up in one word.

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Superb.

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-Superb, sir.

-Well, do we like the human slinky?

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Yes!

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He may be going free, but we don't know.

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It's up to you to decide after three more acts.

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Now, marvellous impressionists called Two's Company.

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They're in The Slammer serving ten years for impersonating a policeman.

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Cheer and clap for the fabulous Two's Company!

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: Dr Who Theme Tune

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Doctor...where are we? Why's it so dark?

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I don't know. Maybe someone turned the lights out.

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Don't worry. I've got my sonic screwdriver.

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Madame Tussauds. What's that, then?

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We must be on Earth!

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Madame Tussauds is where people go to look at statues of famous people and they're made of wax!

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That's boring. Why don't we put a bit of life into the situation.

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BEEPING

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Oh, no! What have you done?! They're coming to life!

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Look, it's coming towards us! It's someone Welsh! Charlotte Church!

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# You're making me a crazy chick! #

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Hello and welcome to the Charlotte Church Show!

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Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is Woody from Toy Story!

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I'm sorry, Charlotte. I can't stop and talk.

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I gotta go on some crazy adventure with Buzz and Bo-Peep.

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-Well, mainly Bo-Peep.

-Whatever, love.

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New word for the day is "cake"! A bit of cake!

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Chocolate cake! I love a bit of chocolate cake.

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All I want is cake. Cake! I love the cake!

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Here, we got a new member of Fat Fighters.

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-Her name's Lauren.

-Am I bothered?!

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-You must be bothered, or you wouldn't be here.

-You calling me fat? D'you think I'm fat?

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-Am I fat, though? Do I look like a sponge pudding?

-Yes...

-Do I look like you?

-No.

-Am I bothered?!

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You are something else...!

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MUSIC FROM BIG BROTHER

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Big Brother House, this is Davina!

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And the winner of Big Brother is Pete!

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Eh...eh...uh...uh...

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-WHISTLES AND GRUNTS

-Nicky!

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Oh, Big Brother, I'm so upset

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cos Pete doesn't love me any more!

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OH...!

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Silence! I don't know which one of you it was -

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whether it was you, Miss Granger, you, Mr Weasley,

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or you, Mr Potter.

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But one of you has materialised a big, flashing blue box...

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boom box, boom box...boom...

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Doctor, they weren't wax at all!

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They were robots!

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Oh, yeah.

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APPLAUSE

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Give them a big round of applause! Two's Company!

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CHEERING

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Pretty impressive, but what did you all think?

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Did Two's Company make an impression on you?

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It was absolutely hilarious and I'd give it 9 out of 10.

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-I didn't hear you laughing much.

-I was.

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-Not lying to me, are you, sir?

-No.

-All right.

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-What are your thoughts?

-Very funny. Extremely fantastic.

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-I can't do impressions of those people.

-Can you do any?

-Yes.

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Yoda from Star Wars.

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Mmhmm... Jedi must become!

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Impressive.

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Can you do a Dalek? Watch this.

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YOU-WILL-BE-EXTERMINATED!

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MR BURGESS! MR BURGESS!

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One final word to sum that act up of Two's Company. Sir?

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-It was wonderful how...

-That's not two words, is it, sir?

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-Give us your comments.

-It was wonderful

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how they could change their voices so quickly to different characters.

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Can you do any? Mr Gimbert does a good one of a man with no talent.

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Right, sir, sum that act up in one final word.

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Magnificent.

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Magnificent.

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We've got a marvellous performing prisoner called Juggler Jam.

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He's a juggling basketball player from Moscow in Russia.

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Please give a round of applause for Juggler Jam!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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ELECTRONIC MUSIC

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CHEERING

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Give him a round of applause!

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What did you think of Juggler Jam?

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Was it good to see Juggler Jam bouncing back?

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I'm not sure about the outfit, but that act was amazing!

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What would you do to improve the outfit?

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If he's a basketball player, you don't go around in a black cardi.

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Don't pick your nose. You'll end up getting it.

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What did you think about our wonderful juggler?

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I thought it was classic and I've never seen anything like it before.

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-I thought it was the best performance so far.

-And one final word...

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Outstanding.

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Sir.

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Please make loads of noise and raise the roof

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for the fabulous twinkling toes of Solid Feet!

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APPLAUSE

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HA!

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CHEERING

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HAH!

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APPLAUSE

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Let's hear it for Solid Feet!

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What a marvellous act. Slightly over-dressed, but brilliant!

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Solid Feet. Savvy feet or sloppy feet?

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It was marvellous how they moved their feet so fast.

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I thought I could tap-dance a bit, but nowhere near as good as that.

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I thought it was amazing. When they moved, they make music.

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I'd give them ten out of ten.

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Over to Trinny and Susannah. How would you dress that mob?

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-I wasn't sure about the Beanie and he needs a haircut.

-And the costume?

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-I'm not sure.

-Different coloured tap shoes to go with the jeans.

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And sir, sum that act up in one final word.

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Fantastic.

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Fantastic, sir.

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It's time to decide who goes free from The Slammer with this...

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modelled by Gimbert with his Warden of the Month trophy.

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Who's gonna go free? Before that, we've got to welcome them back.

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Please give a big hand for all of them!

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The Human Slinky! Two's Company!

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Juggler Jam! And Solid Feet!

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CHEERING

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I want you to make lots of noise.

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Remember, only one act can walk or tap or slink their way free

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from The Slammer! Who will it be?

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First of all, a very, very unusual act indeed. You loved him.

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Show your appreciation for Valentin, The Human Slinky!

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Let's see the score.

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102.1!

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Ooh, that's a good score.

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Well, they certainly made an impression on you.

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What did you think of our marvellous impressionists?

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Show your appreciation for Two's Company!

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APPLAUSE

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SHE MOUTHS

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Right, let's have a look. Two's Company.

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Oh, a very high score!

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But it does mean that you're staying with us.

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Well, he was very, very unusual,

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and he's certainly astonished you.

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Did you think he did enough to go free from The Slammer? Juggler Jam!

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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He's a high man. Can he get a high score?

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102.7!

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Oh, yes! I think that means that Juggler Jam is in the lead!

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It's very, very close!

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Now, there's just one more act to see.

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If they beat a score of 102.7,

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they're gonna dance their way out of The Slammer. It's up to you.

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Please, a big hand for Solid Feet!

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SCREAMING

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Ladies and gentlemen, I don't think we've ever had four acts

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that have all scored over 100.

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It could happen today.

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Let's see. Is it higher...?

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104.3! What a score!

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It means, Jailers and Jailbirds,

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that they go free! Solid Feet!

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CHEERING

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The rest of you, back to the cells.

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A round of applause. The Human Slinky, Two's Company, Juggler Jam!

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They were all brilliant.

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For an act that's a whizzer and a whammer,

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join us soon for fun on The Slammer!

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:380:27:41

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:410:27:44

It's warden of the month award time in the Slammer and Burgess is sure he's in the running. Performing for freedom are a dance group, impressionists, a basketball act, and a giant human slinky - but who will be released?


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