Episode 10 The Slammer


Episode 10

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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to the Slammer, where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel, entertainer, and artiste

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# Performing to the limit to try and get released

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# So go fetch the audience Bring them to the Slammer

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# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer #

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I remember. I was sharing a dressing room with Charlie Cheese.

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"A smile, a song, and a cheesy wheeze."

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-Poor Charlie. Nibbled to death by his own mice.

-Ahem!

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Sir, we have been standing here for 47 minutes.

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I was wondering when you'd start the meeting.

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Ah, yes. Now, as you know, today is a very important day.

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Not only is it Freedom Show Day,

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but I am being interviewed for a very serious political programme.

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I'm going on the telly! Wahoo!

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It's very important that nothing goes wrong.

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ATCHOO! Oh...

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PARP!

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Oooh...

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Which brings me to my second point.

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Some joker has been swapping things around in the Slammer.

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For example, last night, I left my desk tidy, as usual. Now look...

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It's a Wendy house.

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Thompson's underpants have been switched with a colander...

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And Mulhern's pack of cards have been swapped with jam sandwiches!

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I'm on the Freedom Show. I don't need this!

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Flawless are on the show, as well.

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Brilliant.

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We're also giving Showaddywaddy the chance to earn their freedom.

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# Pretty little angel eyes #

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If Madame Hui Ling Zhu ever finds her shoes, she's on the show as well.

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I can't afford this nonsense on Freedom Show Day,

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especially when I'm being interviewed on the telly. Dismissed.

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Stop shifting around, you're getting in my light, you great spoon.

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Cos it's all about you, you banana-faced drongo!

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Rude...monkey.

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-What are you looking for?

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My toothbrush. I'm sure I put it here yesterday, but...

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This morning, all that was there was this.

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Strange. Things keep turning up in the weirdest places.

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Sorry, Melv, I don't know where your toothbrush is.

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I would help, but I'm really tired.

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If another thing gets swapped, the Governor will not be happy.

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Rise and shine, my little talentless twerps.

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Get out of bed, don't you know we've got the press in today?

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That's the trouble with you showbiz types, lad.

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You're all LAZY!

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Melvin, I'm glad you're in.

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He's always here, this is a prison.

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You need help, you.

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I need your help.

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-Oh, yeah!

-Someone in the prison keeps swapping stuff around.

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This morning, I put my hand in my pocket to get my keys,

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and all I found was this!

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Uncle Governor's going to be so angry when he finds out!

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No worries. This mystery mover is annoying me, too.

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I'm gonna find out who it is.

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PARP!

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And then, Sir Elton John said to me,

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"Guv, with a talent like yours, you should be in the prison service."

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And here I am.

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What do you think, Showaddywaddy?

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Doh!

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-Who swapped my braces for spaghetti?

-Ah!

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-What next?!

-Ah. This scoundrel has gone too far, sir.

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He's swapped my truncheon with this!

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My cap's been replaced with pink knickers!

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What can we do? The journalist will be here soon,

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and the mystery mover's still at large!

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-There is a way of ensuring nothing else goes wrong.

-Go on!

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We send 'em all to bed. We put all the prisoners to bed, sir.

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While they're asleep, they can't get up to mischief.

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-Brilliant. See to it at once.

-Right you are.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello?

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Oh....

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All lights out, you horrible lot.

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You only behave when you're asleep, so get your heads down.

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I'm up for a sleep.

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I don't know why, but for the last few days I've been feeling tired.

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-Goodnight, Showaddywaddy.

-Goodnight, Mr Spam.

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Goodnight, Pete.

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Goodnight, Melv.

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Goodnight, Charlie.

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Goodnight, Ted Astaire.

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Goodnight, Titch.

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Goodnight, gang.

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Goodnight, Ted Astaire.

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Goodnight, Charlie.

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-Goodnight, Titch.

-Goodnight!

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-Shut up, man!

-Shut up, yourself!

-Yes!

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Can't a man say goodnight to his friends? Is it wrong? Is it wrong?

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Be quiet, Ted Astaire.

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I've never heard the like! What are you shaking me about for?

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Just go to sleep! Shush!

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Honestly!

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SNORING

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Right!

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Nightie-nightie, it's swapsie time!

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Come on, Wee Willie Winkie.

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Come on.

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Swapsie, swapsie, a toilet brush for a wand. Come on, come on.

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Go on. Up the stairs. That's the fella.

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Come on.

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They'll never suspect me! One, I'm a monkey...

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Two, I'm a puppet, and three...

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I'm not real! Swapsie, swapsie...

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Come on, get in there, that's right. Come on, don't be shy.

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Ugh! Now, for the governor's office! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Here we go!

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BANGING AND CRASHING

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Now for the big one. Swapping the guv's bow tie for a trout. Heh-heh!

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-Wake up!

-Mum, I can snooze for five minutes.

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I was having a dream about custard.

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What am I doing in the corridor?

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-No time to explain. Let's get back to bed.

-What?

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Out of bed during nap time?

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Highly suspicious! Time to see the Governor.

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Yes. I am the Governor. I am the Governor...

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Oh, Mr Burgess. What's the meaning of this?

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These two want to tell you about the mover.

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Yes? Come on then, spit it out!

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-You heard the governor.

-Yeah, who is it, Melv?

-Er...

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Come on, we haven't got all day.

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Dermot Murnaghan, here to interview the Governor.

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-Oh, yes.

-Now, tell me, what shall I call you?

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-Call me Geraldo.

-Is that your name?

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-No, I just like it.

-OK...Geraldo, just relax.

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-Be yourself. Are we all set?

-And 3, 2, 1...action!

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Dermot Murnaghan, reporting for The 10 Past Three Show.

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Governor, do you like your job?

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-Yes...

-Thank you. Right.

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Oooh! Was that it? Well, that seemed to go very well.

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Like I always say, practice makes perfect!

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You were about to say something.

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Um...yes, sir.

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WHOOO! Look at the time!

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Oh! You're right! How do I look?

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Divine!

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Thank you very much.

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It's showtime!

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Oh, yes!

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'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

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'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

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'Now, please welcome your host,

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presenting a glittery fusion of variety show and penal institution,

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'it's the Governor!'

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AUDIENCE CHEER

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-Who's the governor?

-You are the governor!

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You're going to decide who's going to walk free from the Slammer this week.

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Will it be one of these acts?

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-We've got Stephen Mulhern, marvellous magician!

-Whoooooo!

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We've got a band that have got the biggest name in showbusiness -

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-literally - it's Showaddywaddy!

-Whoooooo!

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And we've got a mysterious foot juggler called Hui Ling Zhu.

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-Whoo!

-Whoooooo!

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But now, please welcome our first act.

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They're dancers.

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They're serving five years for doing their own version of Dirty Dancing.

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Make some noise, please, for the fabulous Flawless!

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-What's the situation?

-# Absolutely flawless! #

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# She's freaky and she knows it

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# She's freaky but I like it #

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Whoooooo!

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AUDIENCE CHEER

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Let's give them a big hand, ladies and gentlemen!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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I taught Flawless everything they know.

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I'm a breakdancer. Think I broke my ankle.

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What did you think of them? Burgess!

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I liked the one in the white suit. And you?

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They were beautiful.

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Would you like to take one of those gentlemen home, miss?

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Did you like them?

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Nah, boring.

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How can you say that?

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There was so much energy. What makes you excited?

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-Only the flip.

-You liked that, did you?

-Yeah.

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-Are they gonna be released from the Slammer?

-No, not for me.

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-Ooh...

-What about you, sir?

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What did you think of Flawless?

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They were exciting, fabulous and amazing.

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Could you think of a word beginning with X to describe them?

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-Xedigous. Ha ha!

-Xedigous! Xedigous, sir!

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On to our next performing prisoner. He's a magician.

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He's serving seven years in the Slammer,

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for pulling rabbits out of a hat.

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Sharon Osbourne was still wearing it.

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Ladies and gentlemen, give a great big hand

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for the magical mystique of Stephen Mulhern!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

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Yes, I am Stephen.

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I love doing magic.

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Now, here's the deal. The louder you cheer, the better tricks you'll see.

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If that's OK, give me a yeah!

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-YEAH!

-Fantastic!

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What an audience they are! OK, here we go.

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Here's the first trick. Watch.

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-Yay!

-You are brilliant!

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Now, the great thing is, at this time, in the Slammer,

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I have to be in the gym.

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Not today, cos I am doing a show for you.

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-Which is very, very...

-That's not strictly true.

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What do you mean?

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We've created a device that will get you fit...but it's magic, as well.

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-They're the Crow Twins, Veggie and Vonnie.

-All right?

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Now, they do magic with me, and they do some cool tricks.

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What are you going to do?

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Bro - get the machine.

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They come up with these inventions, and...oh, hang on. What is this?

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I'm not getting in there!

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This will get you fit in a few magical moments.

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-Shall I get in there?

-YEAH!

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OK. All right, OK. I hope this isn't going to hurt.

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-Here we go.

-You'll be fine.

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-Right, stick your big head through there.

-My big head?

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-And stick your little magical fingers through there...

-OK.

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-And we'll get you fit.

-OK.

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First, limber you up...

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Oooh!

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-Nice.

-Oooh!

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Very nice.

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Oooh!

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Oh, he's stuck.

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Aaaaaghhh!

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You know what, bro? I like the way he moves.

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-# I like the way you move... #

-Ooooh!

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Aaaagh!

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Oooooh! Aaaaghh!

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Oooh! Oooh! Please! Aaaagh!

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Ohhh...

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Ohhh...

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Aaagh! Stop it! Aaagh!

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# I like the way you move. #

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-Get the legs.

-The what?

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Not the legs!

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No! Aaaagh! Aaaagh!

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Give them a big cheer, guys!

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Take him off, and the Crow Twins, as well.

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Give them a round of applause.

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They look like dodgy customers.

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Big cheer for them, hooray!

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What did you think of Stephen Mulhern?

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Did you think he was magic?

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He was...all right, but he wasn't that good.

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-What about the men in pants?

-Put some trousers on!

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My thoughts exactly, miss.

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Stephen Mulhern and the Crow Twins. What did you think?

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I thought he was astonishing, magnificent, he got 100% from me.

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Could you sum that act up in one word?

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He was cool.

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Cool! Cool, sir.

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Right! Who's the governor?

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You're the governor!

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We've seen two prisoners, onto our third act.

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This band are doing 10 years in the Slammer, a long sentence.

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With a name like Showaddywaddy, every sentence is long.

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Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the fabulous Showaddywaddy!

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# Pretty little angel eyes

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# Pretty little angel eyes

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# Pretty little angel, pretty little angel, pretty little angel

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# Oooh, oooh oooh oooh oooh, wa wa wa wa

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# Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh

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# Pretty little angel eyes

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# Angel eyes, I really love you so

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# Angel eyes, I'll never let you go

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# Because I love you, my darling angel eyes

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# Oh, angel eyes

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# Pretty little angel eyes

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# Angel eyes, I really love you so

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# Angel eyes, I'll never let you go

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# Because I love you, my darling angel eyes

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# Oh, angel eyes

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# Pretty little angel eyes

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# Pretty little angel eyes

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# Pretty little angel, pretty little angel, pretty little angel

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# Angel eyes

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# Angel eyes, I really love you so

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# Angel eyes, I'll never let you go

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# Because I love you, my darling angel eyes

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# Oh, angel eyes

0:19:520:19:53

# Pretty little angel eyes

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# Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh, oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh

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# Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh

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# Pretty little angel eyes. #

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Thank you very much. There we are. Oh, go on! Ha ha ha!

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Marvellous! Did you see the shoes they were wearing? They were great!

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Anyway, what did you think?

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-Had electricity been invented when they started?

-Maybe not.

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Tell me about Showaddywaddy. What score did you give them?

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100/100. I think they're fabulous. I think they should rock on!

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Rock on! Wahey!

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-One word, sir.

-Showaddywaddy!

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We have one more performing prisoner to see,

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and what a performing prisoner.

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She's a foot juggler. She's serving time for putting her foot in it.

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Jailers and jailbirds, please give a big welcome to Hui Ling Zhu!

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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Give her a big hand there, boys and girls.

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A nice, big hand, please, for Hui Ling Zhu!

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What did you think of Hui Ling Zhu?

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Your comments?

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Er...I think she has to be the queen of umbrellas.

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-You enjoyed her act immensely, sir?

-Yes.

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Will she be getting your vote today?

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Er...50/50.

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-Are you torn, sir, between another act?

-Yes.

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Which two acts?

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Oh, you're keeping schtum!

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-Did you like Hui Ling Zhu?

-Rubbish!

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Oh! Why was it rubbish?

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Because no-one can do that in real life.

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She did do it in real life, right in front of you!

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I don't believe it.

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-Tell everybody about Hui Ling Zhu.

-It's marvellicious.

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Marvellicious!

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In a final word, sum that act up.

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-Brilliantic.

-Brilliantic, sir.

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Let's find out who's going to take the walk of freedom!

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Give 'em a big round of applause! Flawless!

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Stephen Mulhern! Showaddywaddy! Hui Ling Zhu!

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Oh, look at this! My word!

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This is the clapometer. This is what will decide who goes free.

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Jailers and jailbirds,

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I shall ask each of the performers to step forward.

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The clapometer will turn your applause into points.

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All right then, here we go.

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You saw, first up, a marvellous dance act.

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Your appreciation, please, for Flawless!

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Let's see what Flawless scored.

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103.7. That's a good score, yeah. Right...

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Will you show your appreciation, and your applause, for Stephen Mulhern?

0:25:450:25:50

Let's see what Stephen Mulhern scores...

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Just below Flawless, there, with 102.4.

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That means you're staying, and the Crow Twins, too.

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Now, real rock and rollers. They sounded great.

0:26:140:26:18

What do you think?

0:26:180:26:19

Jailers and jailbirds, make some noise for Showaddywaddy!

0:26:190:26:24

Let's see what you scored, there. Oh, I think...

0:26:280:26:32

You stayed for porridge,

0:26:320:26:34

but you'll be performing at the Christmas party. All right.

0:26:340:26:39

Jailers and jailbirds, convict connoisseurs, please,

0:26:390:26:43

some applause and noise for Hui Ling Zhu!

0:26:430:26:46

Hui Ling Zhu, there, her score of...

0:26:520:26:56

Give them a round of applause. It's Flawless!

0:26:590:27:02

You're free. The rest of you, back in the cells.

0:27:020:27:06

Showaddywaddy, Stephen Mulhern, back in those cells.

0:27:060:27:10

Give 'em some applause.

0:27:100:27:12

Give a big cheer!

0:27:140:27:15

Flawless are free to go. Come over here.

0:27:150:27:19

-Till next time, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-Don't do the crime.

0:27:190:27:24

That's right! Bye bye, everybody!

0:27:240:27:27

Bye-bye!

0:27:270:27:28

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:290:27:32

Email [email protected]

0:27:320:27:36

Swapsie, swapsie!

0:27:480:27:51

-Aaaaaagh!

-Aaaaagh!

0:27:520:27:54

A group of entertainers enter a mock prison. Each programme sees four of the acts perform for their freedom in front of a live studio audience. The Governor gears up for a television interview, but will it be ruined by the mystery prankster? Performing for freedom are Flawless, Stephen Mulhern, Showaddywaddy and Hui Ling Zhu.


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