Episode 10 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to the Slammer, where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer, and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience Bring them to the Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer #

I remember. I was sharing a dressing room with Charlie Cheese.

"A smile, a song, and a cheesy wheeze."

-Poor Charlie. Nibbled to death by his own mice.

-Ahem!

Sir, we have been standing here for 47 minutes.

I was wondering when you'd start the meeting.

Ah, yes. Now, as you know, today is a very important day.

Not only is it Freedom Show Day,

but I am being interviewed for a very serious political programme.

I'm going on the telly! Wahoo!

It's very important that nothing goes wrong.

ATCHOO! Oh...

PARP!

Oooh...

Which brings me to my second point.

Some joker has been swapping things around in the Slammer.

For example, last night, I left my desk tidy, as usual. Now look...

It's a Wendy house.

Thompson's underpants have been switched with a colander...

And Mulhern's pack of cards have been swapped with jam sandwiches!

I'm on the Freedom Show. I don't need this!

Flawless are on the show, as well.

Brilliant.

We're also giving Showaddywaddy the chance to earn their freedom.

# Pretty little angel eyes #

If Madame Hui Ling Zhu ever finds her shoes, she's on the show as well.

I can't afford this nonsense on Freedom Show Day,

especially when I'm being interviewed on the telly. Dismissed.

Stop shifting around, you're getting in my light, you great spoon.

Cos it's all about you, you banana-faced drongo!

Rude...monkey.

-What are you looking for?

My toothbrush. I'm sure I put it here yesterday, but...

This morning, all that was there was this.

Strange. Things keep turning up in the weirdest places.

Sorry, Melv, I don't know where your toothbrush is.

I would help, but I'm really tired.

If another thing gets swapped, the Governor will not be happy.

Rise and shine, my little talentless twerps.

Get out of bed, don't you know we've got the press in today?

That's the trouble with you showbiz types, lad.

You're all LAZY!

Melvin, I'm glad you're in.

He's always here, this is a prison.

You need help, you.

I need your help.

-Oh, yeah!

-Someone in the prison keeps swapping stuff around.

This morning, I put my hand in my pocket to get my keys,

and all I found was this!

Uncle Governor's going to be so angry when he finds out!

No worries. This mystery mover is annoying me, too.

I'm gonna find out who it is.

PARP!

And then, Sir Elton John said to me,

"Guv, with a talent like yours, you should be in the prison service."

And here I am.

What do you think, Showaddywaddy?

Doh!

-Who swapped my braces for spaghetti?

-Ah!

-What next?!

-Ah. This scoundrel has gone too far, sir.

He's swapped my truncheon with this!

My cap's been replaced with pink knickers!

What can we do? The journalist will be here soon,

and the mystery mover's still at large!

-There is a way of ensuring nothing else goes wrong.

-Go on!

We send 'em all to bed. We put all the prisoners to bed, sir.

While they're asleep, they can't get up to mischief.

-Brilliant. See to it at once.

-Right you are.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh....

All lights out, you horrible lot.

You only behave when you're asleep, so get your heads down.

I'm up for a sleep.

I don't know why, but for the last few days I've been feeling tired.

-Goodnight, Showaddywaddy.

-Goodnight, Mr Spam.

Goodnight, Pete.

Goodnight, Melv.

Goodnight, Charlie.

Goodnight, Ted Astaire.

Goodnight, Titch.

Goodnight, gang.

Goodnight, Ted Astaire.

Goodnight, Charlie.

-Goodnight, Titch.

-Goodnight!

-Shut up, man!

-Shut up, yourself!

-Yes!

Can't a man say goodnight to his friends? Is it wrong? Is it wrong?

Be quiet, Ted Astaire.

I've never heard the like! What are you shaking me about for?

Just go to sleep! Shush!

Honestly!

SNORING

Right!

Nightie-nightie, it's swapsie time!

Come on, Wee Willie Winkie.

Come on.

Swapsie, swapsie, a toilet brush for a wand. Come on, come on.

Go on. Up the stairs. That's the fella.

Come on.

They'll never suspect me! One, I'm a monkey...

Two, I'm a puppet, and three...

I'm not real! Swapsie, swapsie...

Come on, get in there, that's right. Come on, don't be shy.

Ugh! Now, for the governor's office! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Here we go!

BANGING AND CRASHING

Now for the big one. Swapping the guv's bow tie for a trout. Heh-heh!

-Wake up!

-Mum, I can snooze for five minutes.

I was having a dream about custard.

What am I doing in the corridor?

-No time to explain. Let's get back to bed.

-What?

Out of bed during nap time?

Highly suspicious! Time to see the Governor.

Yes. I am the Governor. I am the Governor...

Oh, Mr Burgess. What's the meaning of this?

These two want to tell you about the mover.

Yes? Come on then, spit it out!

-You heard the governor.

-Yeah, who is it, Melv?

-Er...

Come on, we haven't got all day.

Dermot Murnaghan, here to interview the Governor.

-Oh, yes.

-Now, tell me, what shall I call you?

-Call me Geraldo.

-Is that your name?

-No, I just like it.

-OK...Geraldo, just relax.

-Be yourself. Are we all set?

-And 3, 2, 1...action!

Dermot Murnaghan, reporting for The 10 Past Three Show.

Governor, do you like your job?

-Yes...

-Thank you. Right.

Oooh! Was that it? Well, that seemed to go very well.

Like I always say, practice makes perfect!

You were about to say something.

Um...yes, sir.

WHOOO! Look at the time!

Oh! You're right! How do I look?

Divine!

Thank you very much.

It's showtime!

Oh, yes!

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Now, please welcome your host,

presenting a glittery fusion of variety show and penal institution,

'it's the Governor!'

AUDIENCE CHEER

-Who's the governor?

-You are the governor!

You're going to decide who's going to walk free from the Slammer this week.

Will it be one of these acts?

-We've got Stephen Mulhern, marvellous magician!

-Whoooooo!

We've got a band that have got the biggest name in showbusiness -

-literally - it's Showaddywaddy!

-Whoooooo!

And we've got a mysterious foot juggler called Hui Ling Zhu.

-Whoo!

-Whoooooo!

But now, please welcome our first act.

They're dancers.

They're serving five years for doing their own version of Dirty Dancing.

Make some noise, please, for the fabulous Flawless!

-What's the situation?

-# Absolutely flawless! #

# She's freaky and she knows it

# She's freaky but I like it #

Whoooooo!

AUDIENCE CHEER

Let's give them a big hand, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I taught Flawless everything they know.

I'm a breakdancer. Think I broke my ankle.

What did you think of them? Burgess!

I liked the one in the white suit. And you?

They were beautiful.

Would you like to take one of those gentlemen home, miss?

Did you like them?

Nah, boring.

How can you say that?

There was so much energy. What makes you excited?

-Only the flip.

-You liked that, did you?

-Yeah.

-Are they gonna be released from the Slammer?

-No, not for me.

-Ooh...

-What about you, sir?

What did you think of Flawless?

They were exciting, fabulous and amazing.

Could you think of a word beginning with X to describe them?

-Xedigous. Ha ha!

-Xedigous! Xedigous, sir!

On to our next performing prisoner. He's a magician.

He's serving seven years in the Slammer,

for pulling rabbits out of a hat.

Sharon Osbourne was still wearing it.

Ladies and gentlemen, give a great big hand

for the magical mystique of Stephen Mulhern!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Yes, I am Stephen.

I love doing magic.

Now, here's the deal. The louder you cheer, the better tricks you'll see.

If that's OK, give me a yeah!

-YEAH!

-Fantastic!

What an audience they are! OK, here we go.

Here's the first trick. Watch.

-Yay!

-You are brilliant!

Now, the great thing is, at this time, in the Slammer,

I have to be in the gym.

Not today, cos I am doing a show for you.

-Which is very, very...

-That's not strictly true.

What do you mean?

We've created a device that will get you fit...but it's magic, as well.

-They're the Crow Twins, Veggie and Vonnie.

-All right?

Now, they do magic with me, and they do some cool tricks.

What are you going to do?

Bro - get the machine.

They come up with these inventions, and...oh, hang on. What is this?

I'm not getting in there!

This will get you fit in a few magical moments.

-Shall I get in there?

-YEAH!

OK. All right, OK. I hope this isn't going to hurt.

-Here we go.

-You'll be fine.

-Right, stick your big head through there.

-My big head?

-And stick your little magical fingers through there...

-OK.

-And we'll get you fit.

-OK.

First, limber you up...

Oooh!

-Nice.

-Oooh!

Very nice.

Oooh!

Oh, he's stuck.

Aaaaaghhh!

You know what, bro? I like the way he moves.

-# I like the way you move... #

-Ooooh!

Aaaagh!

Oooooh! Aaaaghh!

Oooh! Oooh! Please! Aaaagh!

Ohhh...

Ohhh...

Aaagh! Stop it! Aaagh!

# I like the way you move. #

-Get the legs.

-The what?

Not the legs!

No! Aaaagh! Aaaagh!

Give them a big cheer, guys!

Take him off, and the Crow Twins, as well.

Give them a round of applause.

They look like dodgy customers.

Big cheer for them, hooray!

What did you think of Stephen Mulhern?

Did you think he was magic?

He was...all right, but he wasn't that good.

-What about the men in pants?

-Put some trousers on!

My thoughts exactly, miss.

Stephen Mulhern and the Crow Twins. What did you think?

I thought he was astonishing, magnificent, he got 100% from me.

Could you sum that act up in one word?

He was cool.

Cool! Cool, sir.

Right! Who's the governor?

You're the governor!

We've seen two prisoners, onto our third act.

This band are doing 10 years in the Slammer, a long sentence.

With a name like Showaddywaddy, every sentence is long.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the fabulous Showaddywaddy!

# Pretty little angel eyes

# Pretty little angel eyes

# Pretty little angel, pretty little angel, pretty little angel

# Oooh, oooh oooh oooh oooh, wa wa wa wa

# Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh

# Pretty little angel eyes

# Angel eyes, I really love you so

# Angel eyes, I'll never let you go

# Because I love you, my darling angel eyes

# Oh, angel eyes

# Pretty little angel eyes

# Angel eyes, I really love you so

# Angel eyes, I'll never let you go

# Because I love you, my darling angel eyes

# Oh, angel eyes

# Pretty little angel eyes

# Pretty little angel eyes

# Pretty little angel, pretty little angel, pretty little angel

# Angel eyes

# Angel eyes, I really love you so

# Angel eyes, I'll never let you go

# Because I love you, my darling angel eyes

# Oh, angel eyes

# Pretty little angel eyes

# Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh, oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh

# Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh

# Pretty little angel eyes. #

Thank you very much. There we are. Oh, go on! Ha ha ha!

Marvellous! Did you see the shoes they were wearing? They were great!

Anyway, what did you think?

-Had electricity been invented when they started?

-Maybe not.

Tell me about Showaddywaddy. What score did you give them?

100/100. I think they're fabulous. I think they should rock on!

Rock on! Wahey!

-One word, sir.

-Showaddywaddy!

We have one more performing prisoner to see,

and what a performing prisoner.

She's a foot juggler. She's serving time for putting her foot in it.

Jailers and jailbirds, please give a big welcome to Hui Ling Zhu!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Give her a big hand there, boys and girls.

A nice, big hand, please, for Hui Ling Zhu!

What did you think of Hui Ling Zhu?

Your comments?

Er...I think she has to be the queen of umbrellas.

-You enjoyed her act immensely, sir?

-Yes.

Will she be getting your vote today?

Er...50/50.

-Are you torn, sir, between another act?

-Yes.

Which two acts?

Oh, you're keeping schtum!

-Did you like Hui Ling Zhu?

-Rubbish!

Oh! Why was it rubbish?

Because no-one can do that in real life.

She did do it in real life, right in front of you!

I don't believe it.

-Tell everybody about Hui Ling Zhu.

-It's marvellicious.

Marvellicious!

In a final word, sum that act up.

-Brilliantic.

-Brilliantic, sir.

Let's find out who's going to take the walk of freedom!

Give 'em a big round of applause! Flawless!

Stephen Mulhern! Showaddywaddy! Hui Ling Zhu!

Oh, look at this! My word!

This is the clapometer. This is what will decide who goes free.

Jailers and jailbirds,

I shall ask each of the performers to step forward.

The clapometer will turn your applause into points.

All right then, here we go.

You saw, first up, a marvellous dance act.

Your appreciation, please, for Flawless!

Let's see what Flawless scored.

103.7. That's a good score, yeah. Right...

Will you show your appreciation, and your applause, for Stephen Mulhern?

Let's see what Stephen Mulhern scores...

Just below Flawless, there, with 102.4.

That means you're staying, and the Crow Twins, too.

Now, real rock and rollers. They sounded great.

What do you think?

Jailers and jailbirds, make some noise for Showaddywaddy!

Let's see what you scored, there. Oh, I think...

You stayed for porridge,

but you'll be performing at the Christmas party. All right.

Jailers and jailbirds, convict connoisseurs, please,

some applause and noise for Hui Ling Zhu!

Hui Ling Zhu, there, her score of...

Give them a round of applause. It's Flawless!

You're free. The rest of you, back in the cells.

Showaddywaddy, Stephen Mulhern, back in those cells.

Give 'em some applause.

Give a big cheer!

Flawless are free to go. Come over here.

-Till next time, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-Don't do the crime.

That's right! Bye bye, everybody!

Bye-bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Email [email protected]

Swapsie, swapsie!

-Aaaaaagh!

-Aaaaagh!