Episode 9 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty

# Of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer, artiste

# Performing to the limit To try and get released

# So go fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Thanks for those lovely tea towels. Finally, a reminder to you all,

the possession of clowning equipment is a serious offence.

HORN BLASTS AND SPOON RATTLES

Two, two... All right, all right, campers, thank you.

Now then, I have here the results you've all been waiting for.

The performers in this week's Freedom Show are...

-DRUM ROLL

-The performer of impossible feats...

-Mat Ricardo!

-'Wait, get on with your pudding.

'Save it for Showtime.'

-Bendy Wendy!

-APPLAUSE

DRUM ROLL

The BMX Master - Rob Alton!

APPLAUSE

And finally...

-Yes!

-Mickey the Amazing Mind reader!

-I knew it.

-So to those four acts, congratulations.

To the rest of you - there's always next week.

Or maybe not.

-Where's that list of new inmates you were promising me?

-Here, Uncle...

-I mean, Governor.

-Right.

Yes, thank you.

Ooh!

-What's this, The Great Alfredo!?

-He's a magician or something...

-He got two years for keeping disorderly rabbits!

-Alfredo!

He's a Slammer legend.

He was here 20 years ago, did this amazing disappearing act.

-He escaped from prison?

-No!

He made his wife disappear.

Oh, the times I wished I could do that.

Left, right, left, right, left, right... Halt!

-Alfredo!

-Governor!

-BOTH: How you doing?

-Well?

-So-so, you know.

-Oh, you remember Debbie?

-Oh, Debbie, of course.

Enchante.

-How have you been?

-DEBBIE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

Really? Well, you can't always get them, can you?

Anyway, I want you two to get changed immediately.

I'm putting you straight into this week's Freedom Show.

But, sir, you...can't do that. You've already announced the acts.

It's against the rules.

Mr Burgess...

-Uh-huh?

-I

-am the rules.

I'd like you to escort our guests to their cell

and if there's anything you need, just say the word.

Alfredo.

Do we have our own cell back?

You'll get what you're given, you cheeky conjurer!

Left turn! left, right, left, right, left, right...

HORN TOOTS

OK, so that's one horn, two hats,

15 cans of shaving foam...

Ten red noses and 15 squirty flowers.

BURGESS: Right, left, right, left... - Burgess!

No, No! That's our old cell. Please, let us go back in there.

No, you're coming in this one. It's got your name on the door.

Excuse me, could you keep the noise down, please? >

-I want to go in my old cell!

-In there, and you!

Get in!

Erm, hello.

You...excuse me...

Erm...

Help!

I wonder why they were so keen on this cell.

-Eh?

-That magician bloke and his missus.

-Oh, them.

-They'll know about the tunnel.

-What!?

-The one behind that poster.

-'Flippin' heck, another one!'

I don't believe it.

-Did you dig this tunnel?

-It was there when I got here.

-All this time...

'we've been sat here in this flamin' cell...' We could just escape.

-What do you wanna escape for?

-To get out, to be free, to perform.

-'Yeah, perform.'

-Perform, you don't wanna do that

after the last time...

APPLAUSE

-Oh, bum.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

OK, so you messed up at The Royal Variety...

'Mess up, mess up, mess up... Phrrt!'

Stop it. It's serious.

Come on. You could be home by teatime.

-Don't you wanna be free?

-I am free,

free to make as much money as I like. I'm off to see a bloke,

you wouldn't believe how much money he's paying for this.

Cover that tunnel. Don't want Burgess to see it.

Hello, my lovely.

Oh, how do I look? Divine!

Ah-hem...

Yes, can I help you?

It's Bendy Wendy, she isn't going to be up for the show.

What? She's first on, where is she?

In here and...

-in here.

-What!?

-BENDY WENDY:

-It's OK. I'm all right.

-I over-bent myself in rehearsals.

-What a disaster!

Where are we going to find another act now?

Left, right, left, right... Halt!

Odoom, sir. He's your man.

Mr Burgess, you're a life saver.

-Melvin, go and get yourself changed.

-Changed?

-For what?

-What do you think?

-You can't go on stage like that.

-Me?

-There must be some kind of mistake.

-Never mind. Congratulations.

You're in the show, you might be released.

-Take him away.

-Unlucky, lads.

Please!

Think positive. You've just got to go out there...'and mess it all up.

'Hee-hee!' Shh! He'll be brilliant.

SIREN WAILS < You've got two minutes.

< The audience are coming in.

Oh, not now, please!

I had stage fright once. There's a light at the end of the tunnel.

The tunnel, you're a genius.

Thanks. I thought you didn't want to escape.

That was before they put me in the show. So long. Peace!

'So long, Melvin. Respect, dude.'

What are we going to do? Melvin!

-What are you doing looking at my tunnel?

-Since when was it yours?

Since WE built it for the disappearing trick.

-I suppose you want to escape?

-Escape, no, young man,

that tunnel leads to the stage.

-The stage!

-I shouldn't be telling you, but...

Melvin!

-How do I look?

-Divine, Uncle.

-Thank you very much.

-In that case...

-Can I?

No! It's Showtime!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

So please welcome your host...

-Give us a G! AUDIENCE:

-G!

-Give us an O!

-O!

-Give us a V!

-V!

-Give us a...

No, I can't be bothered. It's the Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who's the governor?

-AUDIENCE:

-You're the governor!

Wonderful to see you. We've got a wonderful Freedom Show today.

You'll decide who's going to go free.

-We've got a marvellous act called Mat Ricardo...

-Oooh!

-..we've got Rob Alton who does great things on his BMX!

-Oooh!

-We've got a magician called The Great Alfredo!

-Oooh!

But first, we've got a wonderful performer. He's a marvellous dancer.

You're going to enjoy him. Will you give a big hand

for the one and only Melvin Odoom!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sorry about that. A big hand for the one and only Melvin Odoom.

CHEERING

Yes, you have. ..The surprising and, when I get my hands on him,

late Melvin Odoom!

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Melvin!

Oh, bum.

Come here, you! Come here, you!

Erm... Yes...

Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.

On with the show! On with the show.

-Mr Burgess?

-What?

-Is the next act ready?

I'm afraid the next act isn't ready, sir.

Oh, good, good. That means erm...

Anyone else fancy a go?

Anyone want to do an act?

What about you? You'll have a go. A round of applause, please.

All right, well.

-What's your name?

-Shaun.

-Shaun, have you got another name?

-Walsh.

-Shaun Walsh.

Shaun Walsh, what are you going to do?

-Sing Rockin' Robin.

-For Shaun Walsh, singing Rockin' Robin,

it's a slap-up welcome.

CHEERING

# He rocks in the tree tops all day long

# Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singin' that song

# All the little birdies on J-bird Street

# Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet

# Rockin' robin Rock, rock, rockin' robin

# Flow rockin' robin cos we're really gonna rock tonight

# Pretty little raven at the bird's dance

# Taught him how to do the bop It was grand

# They started going steady and bless my soul

# He out-bopped the buzzard and the oriole

# He rocks in the tree tops all day long

# Hoppin' and a-boppin' just singing that song

# All the little birdies on J-bird Street

# Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet

# Rockin' robin Rock, rock, rockin' robin

# Flow rockin' robin cos we're really gonna rock tonight

# Tweedley-deedley-dee Tweedley, deedley

# Tweedley-deedley-dee Tweedley, deedley

# Tweedley-deedley-dee Tweedley, deedley

# Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. #

CHEERING

Give him a round of applause.

Put him in a holding cell, he's not really a prisoner.

I thought he was marvellous. Rocking Robin, what do you think of that?

-Mr Burgess.

-What did you think, sir?

-He was very good and excellent.

-What about his dance moves? Were you impressed?

-Yeah, better than mine.

-Did you enjoy him?

-Yeah, he was brilliant.

Well, his dance moves were exotic. I've never seen them, but...

Exotic! Mr Burgess likes exotic dancers, don't you?

LAUGHTER

-Could you sum that act up in one word?

-Dramatic.

-Dramatic!

-Dramatic, sir.

-This next performing prisoner, he's marvellous.

Jailers and jailbirds, convict connoisseurs,

will you give a big cheer to welcome...

the one and only, the unique Mat Ricardo!

CHEERING

Thanks very much. Just one trick for you.

A trick involving one table, two trays, one vase of flowers,

four cups, four saucers, three spoons,

one teaset and one tablecloth. Watch...very closely.

DRUM ROLL

One quick question.

If you think I can do this,

clap now.

All right, fair enough.

If you do not think I can do this,

clap now. SCATTERED CLAPPING

That's a few people. If you don't care if I can do this or not,

and you're just watching to see me smash this, clap now.

Fine.

DRUM ROLL

It's gone very quiet, hasn't it? You're looking at me, thinking

it must be fake, strings, magnets. I'll prove to you now

everything on the table is real.

OK, the flowers are plastic... LAUGHTER

Everything else is real. No tricks, no gimmicks, no strings.

No magnets.

Any questions?

My favourite joke in the act.

Obviously not yours.

Everything's real. To prove it, here's one you can try at home.

CHINA CLINKS

Hup!

A flying saucer! APPLAUSE

You're too kind.

AUDIENCE: Oh! APPLAUSE

Oh-ho-ho!

I made it.

Real genuine spoons.

Watch closely. To prove the spoons are completely real...

DRUM ROLL

Every single one of you...

I haven't done it yet.

Hup! DRUM ROLL

APPLAUSE

So...real cups, real saucers,

real spoons, one question.

Do you want to see this? AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Oh, no.

OK, I need your help. I need you to start clapping slowly.

I need every single one of you to clap slowly with me,

getting gradually faster and louder and, if we're lucky,

if you clap loud enough we won't hear the crockery smashing.

With me. Everybody!

CLAPPING SPEEDS UP, DRUM ROLL

Thank you very much indeed. Oh, OK.

Hup!

CHEERING

That's all very well, but that's not the finale.

This is the finale.

One more time, everybody.

CLAPPING GETS FASTER

DRUM ROLL

Hup!

Give him a big round of applause, folks - Mat Ricardo!

CHEERING

Well, Mat Ricardo, what a wonderful performance.

We know what he thought, but what did you think of him?

Let's find out.

-Views?

-I think he's very skilled and talented.

He chipped a bit of crockery,

-do you think we could extend his sentence?

-Erm... I didn't see it.

-You didn't, I did.

-What did you think about Ricardo?

-Boring because tons of people have done that before.

-Thank you.

Mr Burgess, over to you for a final word.

-I thought he was brilliant.

-That's not one final word.

-Amazing.

-Amazing.

-Another performing prisoner now,

over in C block. This guy's wonderful.

-Who's got a bike? Yeah. Can you do tricks on your bikes?

-Yeah.

I bet you ain't seen tricks like this.

Would you please welcome

the unique talent of Rob Alton, BMX Master.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

HE MOUTHS

# Though I saw Miss Luce down along the track

# She lost her home and her family and she won't be coming back

# Without love Where would you be right now?

# Without love... #

# We've got to educate our young boys and girls

# Originality is what I'm living for today

# Situations... # CLAPPING DROWNS OUT WORDS

# ..All come together and act like human beings

# Look around me

# I see the sunlight never reaches the ground

# My mind is lost My head is spinning round and round

# Let me tell you what we must do

# Making choices of the future depends on you

# We know we have ten years to save the planet

# Know what I mean? I hope... #

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

RAP CONTINUES

CHEERING

Very good. Give him a big cheer, boys and girls.

Give him a big cheer.

Marvellous Rob Alton. Very impressive,

but it used to take him 5-and-a-half hours to do his paper round.

-What did you think?

-Can you ride a bike?

-Yeah.

-Good for you.

-Now then, miss, what did you think?

-I thought he was wonderful

-and he's got my vote.

-He's got your vote. We've got one act left to go,

-you don't think the last act will top that?

-I don't think so.

-You don't think anything can better that?

-No.

Sir, for a final word on that act... Sum that up in one word, sir.

-One word, sir.

-Brilliant.

-Thank you.

-Well, one more performing prisoner to see.

This act is a great favourite of mine.

It was 20 years ago I first saw them perform

their amazing disappearing act and I can't work out how they did it.

It's got nothing to do with that tunnel. Oh!

-Tunnel?

-No, I can explain.

-Tunnel?

-It was the other bloke.

-Listen...

-You! I thought you were magic.

I am, I am The Great Alfredo.

The Great Alfraudo, more like. Mr Burgess, Gimbert, take him away.

-No, no!

-Right, come on.

-No magic tunnel for you. Never mind the...

-Cheat, it was a tunnel.

And you can clear off and all. Big hairy thing, go on, off you go.

Dear, oh, dear.

-Well...

-AUDIENCE: AW!

-No, jailers and jailbirds,

we promised you four acts and four acts you're going to have.

So, jailers and jailbirds, for one night only,

at no expense whatsoever,

I'd like to present for you, The Swinging Slammers...

and me! Music, maestro, please.

Hit it!

Oh, yes, here we go.

# Now, stop what you're doing cos the governor's back in town

# I'm gonna do a song Cos the inmates let me down

# So hang on to your underpants

# I've got a point to prove

-# Who's the governor? #

-ALL: You're the governor!

# Governor of groove

# I used to be a legend in the clubs of Lancashire

# Not saying I was red hot

# But me trumpet once caught fire

# The king of swing The boss of bling

# Ambassador of smooth

# Who's the governor? The governor of groove... #

MUSIC CONTINUES

# So jailers and jailbirds, let me hear you cheer and clamour

# If I don't win the competition No-one leaves The Slammer

# Your fate is in my hands So let me hear you approve

-# Who's the governor? #

-ALL: You're the governor.

# I am the governor of groove Oh, yeah! #

CHEERING

Thanks, jailers and jail... No, no.

Get off. I'm the governor.

He's Mr Burgess? Dear, oh dear.

I thought you were going to put us in a cell.

I thought that was marvellous. Let's have a few comments.

Erm...excellent, fantastic, really, really good.

-Yes, and what about you?

-Some improvements to be made...

-Shut up.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, I'd like a great big round of applause

for some wonderful choreography from Mr Burgess and Gimbert.

-Oh, yes.

-WHISTLING

All right, then. Very smart, very smart.

It's time to find out who goes free with the clapometer.

Clapometer as modelled by Gimbert. Is there no beginning to his talent?

Whoever gets the biggest clap and cheer will go free

because the clapometer will turn it into points.

Let's welcome back all our performing prisoners.

Shaun Walsh, Mat Ricardo, Rob Alton,

and well...me.

All right, folks.

There we go. Now...

I will ask each performing prisoner to step forward,

you will give them applause and then we'll see how many they get.

The highest score goes free from The Slammer.

This young man stepped in because somebody went missing - Mr Odoom -

-who we'll deal with later.

-We certainly will.

-Thank you very much to a young man.. How old are you?

-11.

He's only 11 and he sang wonderfully.

Will you give a rocking welcome for Shaun Walsh?

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The score coming up for you now...

That's a good score.

Right this next gentleman, he did amazing things.

Don't try this when having your tea.

Please show your appreciation for the wonderful Mat Ricardo!

-APPLAUSE

-Come on, let's hear it.

Check the sound decibels. That's...

That means you are staying in The Slammer, Mat.

Now this gentleman, what things he did on his bike.

Let's see what you thought of Rob Alton.

RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE AND SCREAMING

Dear, oh dear.

Let's have a look there.

He's in the lead, which means he can only be beaten by one performer.

Oh, I wonder, who could that be?

You better show your appreciation for a slim, talented young man...

Is he? No, it was me.

It was me!

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE

Oh, fantastic.

Well, that means that the winner this week and going free,

he's paid his debt and he can go, on his bike,

is Rob Alton. You're free to go.

CHEERING

Back in your cells. Shaun, we'll let you go later.

Give them a nice big hand, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, marvellous.

Rob Alton goes free, I can go to my office

and everything's hunky-dory in The Slammer.

We hope we see you again soon and remember... Come here.

If you can't sing, dance or rhyme,

don't do the crime.

We'll catch you soon for some more fun on The Slammer.

Bye-bye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006

E-mail [email protected]

-SHE MUTTERS

-What's that?

I can't hear you!

I said, can I take this off now?

Oh, right, why didn't you just say?

I don't know why you're wearing it?