Episode 13 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to the Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer, and artiste

# Performing to the limit To try and get released

# So go fetch the audience Bring them to the Slammer

# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way You'll ever leave the Slammer

# Leave the Slammer

# It's the only way You'll ever leave the Slammer! #

Here it is. My greatest triumph to date,

a 32-inch plasma TV with surround sound, and built in DVD.

smuggled in in a secret compartment in Granny's pants!

-Where are we going to plug it in?

-Oh, toilet!

Testing, one, two, one, two, one, two. Who's the governor? Testing.

-FEEDBACK

-One...Mr Burgess.

-Ah.

-What's happening.

-We appear to have a problem with the sound desk.

The problem with the sound desk is that you two are on it!

-At least the smoke machine's working.

-That's something.

Hang on a minute, we haven't got a smoke machine. Oh!

EXPLOSION

Oh, oh.

Oh, ooh, right. Let's get on with it.

Coming up on the Freedom Show today,

the music of the Magnets.

# Doo de dup, doo de dup bow. #

The amazing Uno Lanka!

APPLAUSE

The mystifying magic of the Twins!

-Hi!

-No.

APPLAUSE

With nerves of steel,

the lion tamer Claude Bottom.

ROARING Agh!

SHRIEKING

Ooh, ooh, that's better.

That's it, it's all OK.

-It must have been a dodgy circuit.

-Caused by a dodgy prisoner

-plugging in his dodgy TV into the mains.

-Give us a break!

We need the TV to help pass the time.

You don't know what it's like being cooped up with nothing to do.

Nothing to do? You don't know you're born.

All you do is sit around all day, I'd quite happily swap with you.

-Now that is a brilliant idea.

-Yes, thank you, sir.

What idea?

Your idea of swapping for the day,

it's the sort of initiative that makes the Slammer a special place.

-Let's do it!

-That means I get to be an officer!

-Give me that back.

-Silence, prisoner.

-You listen to me...

-Mr Burgess,

-Melvin's the warden now.

-Attention!

-It's gonna be amusing.

-You can swap with Pete!

Ha ha ha ha! Very good.

And stay in that cell! This is gonna be wicked, man!

We've been promoted!

-What's the matter with him?

-Don't know.

-What was that for?

-I get it, we're the enemy now, aren't we?

The whole prison's gonna be out to get us, poo poo poo!

So paranoid!

-CROWD: Rotters!

-Scum!

-Dirty scum!

Get 'em!

-Claude!

-Agh!

-Can we use your cell?

-Quickly!

-If you really want to!

ROARING

Unlock us quickly!

Wait a minute! These are the keys to the prison, I'm out of here!

SCREAMS AND ROARING

I tell you what, I'm rather getting used to this. Rather nice.

Yeah, no staff meetings, no prisoners,

-no interfering governor.

-He can be a bit of a pain in the...

Gimbert! Mr Burgess, get up.

Claude Bottom the lion tamer's escaped.

Don't worry. We'll catch that coward.

Never mind catching him? What about the show?

-You'll have to find another prisoner to replace him.

-I have, you.

-You want me to be in the show.

-Dear oh dear.

It can be the start of a whole new double act.

-What double act, sir?

-Better get rehearsin', lads!

CHA CHA CHA MUSIC PLAYS

PUNCH!

Argh!

PUNCH!

BOTH: Whoa!

Whoa!

CRASH!

Come on, Gimbert!

Think, will ya!

There must be something we can do. Is there nothing you're good at?

What do you mean? What's your great hidden talent?!

There is one thing I suppose. CRASH!

In the clause, rr rr rr rr rr!

We were there!

-Smarten up, the governor's here.

-Ah, Melvin, Pete, how we gettin' on?

-No more prisoners escaping, I trust.

-Whoo!

-No. We're about to go and patrol the exercise yard.

-Good.

If I find anyone else missing, you will be back inside with that lion!

Do I make myself clear?!

This job's harder than it looks.

We just need to show 'em who's boss. When we say jump, they jump!

Let's try.

You, jump!

BOING!

-All right!

-Yeah, jump!

Jump, jump, jump. BOING!

-Heh heh heh!

-Oh no.

They've jumped over the wall.

Oh, that!

Oi, you two!

Where they going? The chippy?

More mushy peas!

Oh!

A one, two, a one, two, three, four.

# Da da da da da da.. #

Right, you two, get back in that cell.

I knew this role-swapping idea was ridiculous,

and you two, back at work, straight away.

We were rehearsing for the show!

I wouldn't put you two in if my hat was on fire!

I've found this marvellous act called Howard.

Oh dear. Never mind.

-KLAXON BLARES

-So...

-how do I look?

-ALL: Fine!

Thank you very much, in that case, it's show time!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please welcome your host,

keeping showbiz offenders, out of Eastenders,

it's the Governor!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Who's the governor?

-ALL: You're the governor.

Welcome jailers, and jailbirds for a fantastic Slammer freedom show.

We've got a double act called Little Howard and Big Howard. Whoo!

ALL: Whoo!

-Mysterious magic with the Twins!

-ALL: Whoo!

A very unusual balancing act called Uno Lanka.

ALL: Whoo!

But right now, we've got a marvellous vocal act,

no instruments, it's all them, using their voices.

They're the Magnets and they're serving 12 years

-for getting stuck to the speakers at a heavy metal concert.

-MILD LAUGHTER

Thank you for that laugh. I'll give you 50p afterwards.

OK, a pound. Jailers and jailbirds,

give it up for the wonderful, sensational Magnets!

APPLAUSE

One, two, three!

MEN BEATBOX # Why, come on. #

OK, are you all ready to dance?

Gonna have a dance with us? Get up on your feet! Come on!

You know what you're doing. Bit of this, bit of this.

Ha!

# My baby's always dancin'

# And that wouldn't be a bad thing

# But I don't get no lovin'

# But that's no lie

# We spent the night in Frisco

# At every kind of disco

# From that night I kicked our love goodbye

# Don't blame it on the sunshine Don't blame it on the moonlight

# Don't blame it on the good times

# Blame it on the boogie

# Don't blame it on the sunshine

# Don't blame it on the moonlight

# Don't blame it on the good times Blame it on the boogie

# That was beautiful

# The nasty boogie bugs me

# But somehow it has drugged me

# Spellbound rhythm gets me On my feet

# I've changed my life completely

# I've seen the lightning leave me

# My baby just can't take Her eyes off me

# Don't blame it on the sunshine

# Don't blame it on the moonlight

# Don't blame it on the good times Blame it on the boogie

# Don't blame it on the sunshine

# Don't blame it on the moonlight

# Don't blame it on the good times

# Blame it on the boogie Everybody dance!

# I just can't

# I just can't

# I just can't control my feet

# I just can't

# I just can't

# I just can't control my feet

# I just can't

# I just can't

# I just can't control my feet

# I just can't

# I just can't

# I just can't control my feet

# Sunshine

# Don't blame it on the moonlight No, no

# Good times Blame it on the boogie

# Don't you blame it on the sunshine

# Don't blame it on the moonlight

# Don't blame it on the good times

# Blame it on the boogie Check it out

# Sunshine BEAT BOX NOISES

# Moonlight BEAT BOX NOISES

# Good times

# Boogie BEAT BOX NOISES

# Sunshine

# Moonlight

# Good times

# Boogie, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Sunshine

# Don't blame it on the moonlight

# Don't blame it on the good times Blame it on the boogie

# Don't go blaming the sunshine

# Don't blame it on the moonlight

# Don't blame it on the good times

# I said don't you blame it on the...

# Boogie

# Boogie

# Boogie-e-e-e-e-e-e! #

APPLAUSE

Give them a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

The Magnets. I thought they'd perform "Stuck On You"!

-What did you think?

-Six clean-cut lads far from home,

But were they far from talented? Your view.

-It was boogie-wicked.

-Boogie-wicked?

-Were you drawn to The Magnets?

-Yes.

-What did you think?

I wish I could sing like that.

You can. Here's the microphone. Have a go.

-# Sunshine

-Ooh!

# Moonlight, good times Blame it on the boogie! #

The Magnets? Yeah? Seventh member?

-You're in.

-Well, miss.

If you'd like to sum that up for us in one word, have a go.

Groovalicious.

Groovalicious, sir.

Next, what a marvellous, mystifying act we've got.

The Twins.

They're serving ten years because their manager was a double agent.

Ladies and jailbirds, a great big hand

for the mystifying wonderment of The Twins.

APPLAUSE

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Oh, yes, yes! Marvellous!

Give them a big hand there!

Give them a round of applause. The Twins, please!

Now, what did you think of The Twins?

Well, magic - was it?

Completely and utterly impossible.

-Completely and utterly impossible?

-Yeah.

-You saw it before your eyes!

-Yeah.

-So it must be possible, surely!

-Yeah!

-You do the math, sir.

-It's possible.

-It's possible.

I managed to make you change your mind, sir.

-Yeah.

-Jolly good, sir.

What did you twins think of The Twins?

-Fantastic.

-Good.

Fantastic and good? Could you do that act?

-Nevah.

-Nevah.

-They said it togethah! Aren't you clevah?!

Yeah.

For one final word, sum that act up, son.

Fantabby-hoobie.

Fantabby-hoobie, sir. They're very inventive.

Will The Twins get your vote and go free from The Slammer? Who knows?

Another comic act now.

A marvellous performing prisoner. Prisoners, very unusual.

He's a stand-up comedian who's so laid-back

he's serving 12 years for lying down on the job.

Jailers and jailbirds, please show your appreciation

for the Two Howards!

Hello! My name's Howard.

Little Howard is the only six- year-old animated stand-up comedian.

Please welcome Little Howard!

We're going to do a song. We usually do comedy.

This is a very serious and beautiful song I've written about love. Ready?

-Hello.

-HE SNIFFS

Are you going to blow your nose before we do the song?

-We've formed a band.

-We have.

We are called Fight Of The Conkers, named after

my favourite band, Flight Of The Conchords. And conkers.

-Yeah.

-And it is going to be funny, because Big Howard is very big

and he has a very little guitar,

and I am little and I have a great big bass guitar.

-LAUGHTER

-Big Howard says I'll be funnier

than those idiots from New Zealand,

because they are normal-sized with normal-sized guitars.

-I didn't call The Flight Of The Conchords that.

-Yes, you did...

No, you didn't. I made a mistake.

You did. HE SNIFFS

-Are you going to blow your nose?

-I haven't got a hanky.

HE SNIFFS This is a beautiful song about love.

I'm trying to get some work as a serious singer-songwriter.

I hope Simon Cowell's watching.

It's called Wet As This.

MUSIC BEGINS

LOUD SNIFF

# It seems that every time we kiss LOUD SNIFF

# I plunge into a sea of bliss

# But it's not all as wet as this

# I love you

LOUD SNIFF

# It seems that every single day SNIFF

# We just get in each other's way SNIFF

# And have to grit our teeth to say I love you

LOUD SNIFF

# I'd leave you now but I can't sleep

# Without your breath upon my cheek

# I love you... # SNIFF

-I've got a runny nose.

-I can tell you've got a runny nose!

Does anybody have a hanky I can borrow? Thank you.

Sorry. I know you're enjoying my song.

PARP! AUDIENCE: Ugh!

Um - very sorry about that.

We'll start again. No more sniffing. OK?

Second part of the song. Wet As This, part two.

# It seems that every single day

# We just get in each other's way

# And have to grit our teeth to say A-CHOO!

-Please carry on with the song.

-Um...

My hands are a little bit slippy.

Very sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't do that!

Thank you very much. We've been Howard and Howard.

Round of applause, everybody!

Very unusual. Very clever. What did you think?

Your thoughts?

Very funny and excellent. He deserved to be out.

-He'll get your vote?

-Yes.

Who was the cutest of the two?

They're both really ugly.

-Fed up now.

-What about a final word from you?

-Um...

-Just one word.

-Short and sweet.

-Hilarious.

-Hilarious!

Just one more performing prisoner to see.

Please welcome the amazing skills of Uno Lanka!

JOLLY MUSIC

DRUM ROLL

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS FLUTE

APPLAUSE

Wow! How did he balance all those things?

Bruce Forsyth plays golf. He could balance them on his chin.

What did you think?

He was good but The Twins were better at balancing.

Balancing on the swords? So will The Twins get your vote?

-Yeah.

-So they've paid their debt to society? They should be free?

Not with the swords.

No, quite clearly a safety issue there.

-Was that a balanced performance?

-Yeah.

The background music could have been better - 8 out of 10.

You didn't like it? What about the flute music?

-It was OK.

-Can you play the flute?

-No.

-Recorder?

-No.

-Can you balance balls on your herd?

-No.

-Golf clubs?

-No.

Correct. You've passed all the questions.

Would you like to sum that act up in one - one - one word, sir?

-Spectacular.

-Spectacular! There you go, sir.

Let's see who's going to go free. Welcome the acts back.

The Magnets. The Twins.

The Two Howards.

Big Howard, Little Howard and Uno Lanka!

There they are.

Well, my little felon fans, who is going to walk free?

You decide with this, the all-wonderful clapometer.

As modelled there.

You clap and cheer, we turn it into points.

Whoever gets the most points walks free,

their debt to showbusiness paid. Let's start.

-Are you ready for this?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!!

A marvellous singing group. Let's hear some noise for The Magnets!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Blame it on the sunshine, blame it on the boogie.

Let's see...

That's a very good score.

Now, next we had...

a very unusual act, a balancing act,

The Twins, with a lady called Lisa.

Let's see what you scored with The Twins!

APPLAUSE AND SCREAMING

That was short but sweet but very loud, wasn't it?

Let's see...

That means that The Twins could be going free

with those dangerous-looking cutlasses.

Next we had an unusual act. He brought his little friend with him.

Your noise, please, for Big Howard and Little Howard.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Let's see what they scored. Hope he's got a hanky as well.

Next we had an act that defied description.

He even played the flute.

Balancing gold clubs and balls. Ladies and gentlemen,

jailers and jailbirds, Uno Lanka!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Wonderful act. And the score...

That means, going free, it's The Twins!

You're free to go. Your debt to society is paid.

The rest of you, off for supper.

Back in the cell. Give them all a big hand, jailers and jailbirds.

We hope you join us again soon

for more fun, and remember,

if you can't sing, dance or rhyme - all together -

DON'T DO THE CRIME!

See you soon! Bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006

Nobody told me to stop being a warden!

So where's that song again?

One, two, five, six, seven, eight...

POW! POW! POW! # ..And a happy smile. #