Episode 14 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel

# Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit

# To try and get release

# So go, fetch the audience

# Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands

# So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# Leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

Christmas visiting? Outrageous!

Fancy giving this bunch of delinquent twirlies contact with the outside world.

You might as well give them applause, for all the punishment they're getting.

And giving them presents - it makes a mockery of all the hard work I've put in

being mean, unfair and spiteful.

Oh, yeah, cheers for these, our kid.

Merry Christmas and all that as well. Nice one.

Argh!

You are a daft sausage, cherub.

Oh, Mum.

I tell you, Gimbert, it gets right up my goat. Gimbert?

Gimbert?

What the flaming heck are you playing at, lad?

Visitors are for prisoners, not for prison officers.

Hello, Son.

My mum, Mr Burgess - the Governor's sister.

So you're Mr Burgess - or Frank. Lovely name.

Jeremy's told me so much about you. You're thinner than I'd imagined.

You need to eat. Try one of my own mince pies.

-Oh...

-They're lovely.

Homemade. Go on.

Now...

Not while I'm on duty.

Come along, Jeremy.

-Bye, Son.

-Bye, Mum.

Merry Christmas, Melvin.

This magic potion is the answer to all your problems.

It's from Burunda.

HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

MUSIC: ROCK'N'ROLL

-Yo-yo People.

-YO-YO PEOPLE: Yo!

-Merry Christmas.

Bobby Badfinger.

That's good.

Feeding The Fish.

That's for you.

And...Outrage.

# Santa Claus is coming to town. #

Your roots need doing.

Get ready for the Freedom Show.

What's the matter? Don't you like your presents?

-It's toilet paper.

-It's what I give the prisoners every year.

It's slightly scented. Hard to come by in a place like this.

Tell you what. Christmas bonus.

I'll throw in a bottle of pop. How's that?

ALL: Yeah!

Go and get ready for the Freedom Show. Off you go.

Now then.

Mr Burgess.

Frankie-poos!

Look at my presents. It's lucky you don't like Christmas.

Because you don't have any, do you?

-CHINA SMASHES

-Oh, dear.

Mr Burgess.

Santa!

Now, Mr Burgess.

Now, sir.

Come on, Frank, you know the rules at Christmas!

There we are. Lovely!

Now, young Jeremy.

How do you know my name, Santa?

I want you to nip down the shop and get some pop for the performers.

-Can't your elves magic something up?

-No, they're pricking chestnuts.

Hey!

What's he in for?

The shepherd? He sneezed during his Nativity play.

Snot all over the Three Wise Men. Terrible.

Anyway, Pete, take a look at this. My brother got it for me.

-It's from Burunda.

-HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

It's a legendary magic cure for stage fright.

Oh, yeah, that's what he's telling you?

Drink that, get on the show, you'll be home for Christmas.

It can't possibly work.

Can it?

Drink it. Drink it!

HEARTBEATS

HE BURPS

He-he!

# Don't stop till you get enough

FUNKY MUSIC

# Don't stop till you get enough. #

Melvin, it's a Christmas miracle!

-Actually, it's stuff from Burunda.

-HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

I'm ready, boss. Give me a slot.

I gave the last slot to Outrage this morning.

Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind. Looks like you'll spend Christmas with us.

No way. He can be part of our act.

ALL: Yeah!

HE SNEEZES

# Santa Claus is coming... to town... #

Oh, dear! I'll tell you what, that's made my day.

-What's that, Mr Burgess?

-Seeing Odoom with a chance to get out of the nick

-before he's paid his debt to society.

-Argh!

Really, Mr B?

NO! I'm very angry about it indeed.

What can I do to make myself feel a lot better? Oh, yes. I know.

I'll confiscate all your puppets, Nokio.

-Oh, no!

-Oh, yes.

Oh, kissy-kissy under the missy.

Urgh!

YELLS, SHOUTS AND PUNCHES LANDING

Let go of me. I'm not a puppet.

Clear off then!

-Please don't.

-You can have them back when you're normal.

I'm normal now, Mr B.

I got the pop for the acts, Mr Burgess.

Where did Santa go?

HE GASPS

Where did these come from?

From the corner shop.

Not from Burunda?

HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

Melvin can't find out about this.

'This is your Governor speaking. The audience are in the building.

'All performing prisoners stand by, please.'

-All right?

-ALL: Mel!

-Here's to being home for Christmas!

-ALL: Yeah!

-CLOCK STRIKES

-Here you go, Mr Melvin.

-You've got one.

-I got it from Burunda.

-HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

CHOIR WINDS DOWN

This is from the corner shop. Cheap.

Oh, bum, well, that's over then!

Melvin, come back!

Anyway, how do I look?

Divine!

Thank you very much.

Gotta look after your elf this time of year!

It's showtime!

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer

'where you decide which prisoner goes home for Christmas.

'Now please welcome your ho-ho-ho-ho-host -

'it's Teddy, the red-nosed Governor!'

FRANTIC MUSIC, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?

ALL: You're the Governor!

It's me, jailors and jailbirds. Seasonal greetings.

-Having a good time?

-Yes!

We've got some marvellous performing prisoners.

As it's Christmas, we thought we'd give them a chance to get home.

We've got marvellous acts.

An American gentleman come all the way from America.

I'm not American, but I've been in a few states.

He's American and he's a very snappy act,

he's called Bobby Badfingers.

Whoo!

We've got a marvellous juggling act called Feeding The Fish.

Whoo!

We've got a marvellous band called Outrage, featuring Melvin Odoom.

Whoo!

But now, jailors and jailbirds,

it's time for festive fun with an unusual act.

This act - well, they're a yo-yo act.

Their career's been up and down. Been here five years.

Put them in the show? I thought no. Then yes. Then no.

I've been stringing them along. Please welcome the Yo-Yo People!

CHEERING

Hello. You guys like yo-yos, right?

Yeah!

Can anyone name the most popular yo-yo trick?

Go ahead and yell it out.

-Walking The Dog?

-That's it.

We start with trick number one. Walk The Dog.

Trick number two, Around The World.

-And trick number three...

-Rock The Baby In The Cradle.

Nobody likes that trick.

You wanna see good stuff? Say yeah.

Yeah!

MUSIC: ROCK'N'ROLL

Give them a big hand!

Big round of applause there for Yo-Yo People.

What did you think?

-What about you, miss?

-I thought it was really great and interesting.

What did you think?

They were a good act, but not good enough to be released.

-You'd keep them in a bit longer?

-Three years longer.

-Three years!

-One word from you, sir.

-They were very cool...

-That's not one word, sir, is it?

-No. They were really cool...

Just ignore me then, sir.

-Because...

-Go on. You plough on, sir.

Because they like... They were really funky...

Fumbling now, sir. You've lost it.

-Can you be quiet while I'm talking?

-Just do one word, sir. That's all.

-They're cool.

-Cool, sir. There you go.

The Yo-Yo People.

< My hat's coming off, it's hot.

< What a time we're having.

< What did one snowman say to the other?

< "Can you smell carrots?"

Well? "I can't see him anywhere."

Now we've got a very unusual act for you. He's called Bobby Badfingers.

Yeah. Bad fingers, bad ankles, bad knees, bad head. He's a bad man.

That's why he's here.

Yes, serving three years,

please give a big welcome to Bobby Badfinger.

APPLAUSE

Whoo! Yeah!

Yeah, baby, yeah! All right!

Hit it!

# Here comes Snappy Claus Here comes Snappy Claus

# Right down Snappy Claus Lane

# Fixing, blitzing all his reindeer

# Pulling on the rein

# Fingers are wringing Children singing

# All is snappy and bright

# So snap your fingers And say your prayers

# Cos Snappy Claus comes tonight

# Here comes Snappy Claus Here comes Snappy Claus

# Right down Snappy Claus Lane

# He's got a bag That's filled with toys

# For all you whippersnappers again

# Hear those fingers jingle-jangle

# What a beautiful sight

# So snap your fingers And jump in bed

# Because Snappy Claus comes tonight

# Here comes Snappy Claus Here comes Snappy Claus

# Right down Snappy Claus Lane

# He doesn't care If you're snapping or not

# He loves you just the same

# Snappy knows That we're snappy children

# That makes everything right

# So fill your ears with Snappy cheer

# Cos Snappy Claus comes tonight

# Cos Snappy Claus comes tonight... #

Yeah! Whippersnappers! Yeah!

HE-E-E-EY!

APPLAUSE

There we are! Give him a round of applause - Bobby Badfingers!

Marvellous. I wish when I snapped my fingers everyone'd come running.

-Mr Burgess?

-Yes?

-Ooh, he did!

66, clickety-click.

Old bingo expression there.

I think it was quite a good act,

but I think he was too mad

and too snappy.

What did you think of him?

Well, he sounded strange...mad...

Maybe even crazy.

But strangely talented in the art of finger snapping.

I liked him because

he was extremely funny and talented to do both things at the same time.

You've drawn a picture of Bobby there.

-There's Bobby. You've missed out the moustache there!

-Oh, yeah!

One final word?

OK.

OK.

# Here comes Snappy Claus Here comes Snappy Claus... #

Sounds like a well-dressed lobster!

Next up - Feeding The Fish.

They were singers,

they wouldn't learn their scales!

Jailers and jailbirds,

show your appreciation for Feeding The Fish!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

APPLAUSE

Marvellous.

A big round of applause for Feeding The Fish, jailers and jailbirds!

Think I can do it? Hey, look at that!

I'm not good enough to join Feeding The Fish, but what did you think?

Jugglers - love them or hate them?

It was amazing, fabulous, exciting - my favourite so far.

And what did this little Santa think?

It was my favourite so far, it was really entertaining,

-but I think their name was weird.

-It was totally amazing and has got

-my vote so far. They repeated themselves though.

-Really?

-You'd like a little more freshness?

-Yes.

-What would you like more of?

Ummm... Just more simple juggling and just...

Maybe they could try running around juggling.

-What did you think?

-I thought it was quite good,

-but they could have thrown their clubs higher.

-Nobody's happy!

Now, don't let me down, Miss. I want one,

count it, ONE final word.

-Brilliant.

-Brilliant!

APPLAUSE

I want you to shout out the name of the act you liked so far.

Shout it out!

-SHOUTING

-Who's it going to be?

Melv, you're on next!

The potion's a load of rubbish.

# Ah-ah-ah ah ah... #

Shut it!

You don't need magic, Melv, you ARE magic!

-My brother lied to me!

-He was only trying to help.

You got up on this stage before. You can do it again.

Yeah, Melv, you're electric boogaloo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

You're right, Pete.

I'm cured! Right!

Our final performing prisoners are here in the slammer.

They're a very loud band, serving six years in The Slammer

for rehearsing late at night in a built-up area.

Will you please welcome Outrage!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This song is called Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.

# All is calm All is bright

-# Round your... #

-SHUT UP!

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

# You'd better watch out

# You'd better not cry Better not pout, I'm telling you why

# Santa Claus is coming to town

# Santa Claus is coming to town

# Santa Claus is coming to town

# With little tin horns And little toy drums

# Rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums

# Santa Claus is coming to town

# Santa Claus is coming to town

# Santa Claus is coming to town

Here we go!

AUDIENCE: WHOO!!!!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

AUDIENCE: Oi! Oi! Oi!

Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

# He's making a list Checking it twice

# Gonna find out Who's naughty or nice

# Santa Claus is coming to town

# Santa Claus is coming to town

# Santa Claus is coming to town

# He sees you when you're sleeping

# He knows when you're awake

# He knows when You've been bad or good

# So be good for goodness sake!

# You better watch out You better not cry

# You better not pout I'm telling you why

# Santa Claus is coming to town Santa Claus is coming to town

# Santa Claus is coming to town Santa Claus is coming

# Santa Claus is coming

# Santa Claus is coming to town. #

APPLAUSE

Let's hear it for Outrage, please!

Let's hear it for Outrage!

Oh, marvellous. Outrage there and Melvin doing Santa dancing!

A round of applause for Melvin as well!

-I thought

-I

-was Santa Claus! I've certainly got the tummy for it.

What did you think?

-Outrage or Shoutrage?

-Their name was Outrage and I thought that was

a complete outrage. They all look like girls

but I think they'd win the X Factor.

-That's a sensible comment, that is.

-What did you think of Outrage?

-They were really good. They get my vote.

-Your lips never moved once!

You know how to make that look better? Like that.

-Do you think it was just some lads banging stuff?

-Um...

I thought they were wicked and brilliant.

-Melvin was funny too.

-Ah, yes, of course.

-A final word from you, please.

-Wicked.

-Wicked.

Four marvellous prisoner acts,

only one of them can go free at Christmas time.

Welcome them all back, please.

Yo Yo People!

Bobby Badfingers, Feeding The Fish!

Outrage!

Give them all a big cheer, guys and girls!

CHEERING

Only one of these performing prisoner acts can go free.

You're going to decide with this - a Yuletide clapometer,

held by a festive Gimbert there.

Jailers and jailbirds, make some noise for Yo Yo People!

APPLAUSE

Yo Yo People, going up, going down.

Let's see for the first score on this special Slammer.

Not a bad score.

Next, he came all the way from

America, a very snappy, unusual act. Ladies and gentlemen,

a big hand please for Bobby...

Badfingers!

APPLAUSE

Tough crowd, Bobby.

Tough.

Let's see what they scored. Bobby's bad fingers snapped away

and got a score of 86.7.

You'll be joining us for a little more festive fare, Bobby. Now,

another unusual act. Very talented, with lots of glowing lights.

What did you think of Feeding The Fish?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we are, let's go over to the clapometer

and see what Feeding The Fish scored... 96.6!

In the lead so far, Feeding The Fish! So...

We've got one more act to see, or to hear.

What did you think about them? Show your appreciation

for Outrage.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I wonder...

I wonder what the score will be.

Let's have a look. It's 101.8!

That means that Outrage

are free to go. The rest of you... Give them a big cheer!

That's about it for this special festive Slammer.

We hope you had a good time, and remember -

if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-ALL: Don't do the crime!

-Bye-bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, 2006

E-mail [email protected]

Time to get rid of this little lot.

AARGGGHHHH!

My babies! It's a Christmas miracle!

We love you with Christmas love!

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!