Episode 14 The Slammer


Episode 14

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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer

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# Where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel

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# Entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit

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# To try and get release

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# So go, fetch the audience

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# Bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act

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# With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands

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# So make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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# Leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

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Christmas visiting? Outrageous!

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Fancy giving this bunch of delinquent twirlies contact with the outside world.

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You might as well give them applause, for all the punishment they're getting.

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And giving them presents - it makes a mockery of all the hard work I've put in

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being mean, unfair and spiteful.

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Oh, yeah, cheers for these, our kid.

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Merry Christmas and all that as well. Nice one.

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Argh!

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You are a daft sausage, cherub.

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Oh, Mum.

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I tell you, Gimbert, it gets right up my goat. Gimbert?

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Gimbert?

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What the flaming heck are you playing at, lad?

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Visitors are for prisoners, not for prison officers.

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Hello, Son.

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My mum, Mr Burgess - the Governor's sister.

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So you're Mr Burgess - or Frank. Lovely name.

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Jeremy's told me so much about you. You're thinner than I'd imagined.

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You need to eat. Try one of my own mince pies.

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-Oh...

-They're lovely.

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Homemade. Go on.

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Now...

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Not while I'm on duty.

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Come along, Jeremy.

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-Bye, Son.

-Bye, Mum.

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Merry Christmas, Melvin.

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This magic potion is the answer to all your problems.

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It's from Burunda.

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HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

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MUSIC: ROCK'N'ROLL

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-Yo-yo People.

-YO-YO PEOPLE: Yo!

-Merry Christmas.

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Bobby Badfinger.

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That's good.

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Feeding The Fish.

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That's for you.

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And...Outrage.

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# Santa Claus is coming to town. #

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Your roots need doing.

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Get ready for the Freedom Show.

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What's the matter? Don't you like your presents?

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-It's toilet paper.

-It's what I give the prisoners every year.

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It's slightly scented. Hard to come by in a place like this.

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Tell you what. Christmas bonus.

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I'll throw in a bottle of pop. How's that?

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ALL: Yeah!

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Go and get ready for the Freedom Show. Off you go.

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Now then.

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Mr Burgess.

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Frankie-poos!

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Look at my presents. It's lucky you don't like Christmas.

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Because you don't have any, do you?

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-CHINA SMASHES

-Oh, dear.

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Mr Burgess.

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Santa!

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Now, Mr Burgess.

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Now, sir.

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Come on, Frank, you know the rules at Christmas!

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There we are. Lovely!

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Now, young Jeremy.

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How do you know my name, Santa?

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I want you to nip down the shop and get some pop for the performers.

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-Can't your elves magic something up?

-No, they're pricking chestnuts.

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Hey!

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What's he in for?

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The shepherd? He sneezed during his Nativity play.

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Snot all over the Three Wise Men. Terrible.

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Anyway, Pete, take a look at this. My brother got it for me.

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-It's from Burunda.

-HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

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It's a legendary magic cure for stage fright.

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Oh, yeah, that's what he's telling you?

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Drink that, get on the show, you'll be home for Christmas.

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It can't possibly work.

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Can it?

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Drink it. Drink it!

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HEARTBEATS

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HE BURPS

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He-he!

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# Don't stop till you get enough

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FUNKY MUSIC

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# Don't stop till you get enough. #

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Melvin, it's a Christmas miracle!

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-Actually, it's stuff from Burunda.

-HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

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I'm ready, boss. Give me a slot.

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I gave the last slot to Outrage this morning.

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Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind. Looks like you'll spend Christmas with us.

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No way. He can be part of our act.

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ALL: Yeah!

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HE SNEEZES

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# Santa Claus is coming... to town... #

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Oh, dear! I'll tell you what, that's made my day.

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-What's that, Mr Burgess?

-Seeing Odoom with a chance to get out of the nick

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-before he's paid his debt to society.

-Argh!

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Really, Mr B?

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NO! I'm very angry about it indeed.

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What can I do to make myself feel a lot better? Oh, yes. I know.

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I'll confiscate all your puppets, Nokio.

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-Oh, no!

-Oh, yes.

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Oh, kissy-kissy under the missy.

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Urgh!

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YELLS, SHOUTS AND PUNCHES LANDING

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Let go of me. I'm not a puppet.

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Clear off then!

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-Please don't.

-You can have them back when you're normal.

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I'm normal now, Mr B.

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I got the pop for the acts, Mr Burgess.

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Where did Santa go?

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HE GASPS

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Where did these come from?

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From the corner shop.

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Not from Burunda?

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HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

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Melvin can't find out about this.

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'This is your Governor speaking. The audience are in the building.

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'All performing prisoners stand by, please.'

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-All right?

-ALL: Mel!

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-Here's to being home for Christmas!

-ALL: Yeah!

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-CLOCK STRIKES

-Here you go, Mr Melvin.

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-You've got one.

-I got it from Burunda.

-HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

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CHOIR WINDS DOWN

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This is from the corner shop. Cheap.

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Oh, bum, well, that's over then!

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Melvin, come back!

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Anyway, how do I look?

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Divine!

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Thank you very much.

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Gotta look after your elf this time of year!

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It's showtime!

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'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer

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'where you decide which prisoner goes home for Christmas.

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'Now please welcome your ho-ho-ho-ho-host -

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'it's Teddy, the red-nosed Governor!'

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FRANTIC MUSIC, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Who's the Governor?

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ALL: You're the Governor!

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It's me, jailors and jailbirds. Seasonal greetings.

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-Having a good time?

-Yes!

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We've got some marvellous performing prisoners.

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As it's Christmas, we thought we'd give them a chance to get home.

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We've got marvellous acts.

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An American gentleman come all the way from America.

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I'm not American, but I've been in a few states.

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He's American and he's a very snappy act,

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he's called Bobby Badfingers.

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Whoo!

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We've got a marvellous juggling act called Feeding The Fish.

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Whoo!

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We've got a marvellous band called Outrage, featuring Melvin Odoom.

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Whoo!

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But now, jailors and jailbirds,

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it's time for festive fun with an unusual act.

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This act - well, they're a yo-yo act.

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Their career's been up and down. Been here five years.

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Put them in the show? I thought no. Then yes. Then no.

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I've been stringing them along. Please welcome the Yo-Yo People!

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CHEERING

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Hello. You guys like yo-yos, right?

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Yeah!

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Can anyone name the most popular yo-yo trick?

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Go ahead and yell it out.

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-Walking The Dog?

-That's it.

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We start with trick number one. Walk The Dog.

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Trick number two, Around The World.

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-And trick number three...

-Rock The Baby In The Cradle.

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Nobody likes that trick.

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You wanna see good stuff? Say yeah.

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Yeah!

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MUSIC: ROCK'N'ROLL

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Give them a big hand!

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Big round of applause there for Yo-Yo People.

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What did you think?

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-What about you, miss?

-I thought it was really great and interesting.

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What did you think?

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They were a good act, but not good enough to be released.

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-You'd keep them in a bit longer?

-Three years longer.

-Three years!

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-One word from you, sir.

-They were very cool...

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-That's not one word, sir, is it?

-No. They were really cool...

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Just ignore me then, sir.

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-Because...

-Go on. You plough on, sir.

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Because they like... They were really funky...

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Fumbling now, sir. You've lost it.

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-Can you be quiet while I'm talking?

-Just do one word, sir. That's all.

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-They're cool.

-Cool, sir. There you go.

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The Yo-Yo People.

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< My hat's coming off, it's hot.

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< What a time we're having.

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< What did one snowman say to the other?

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< "Can you smell carrots?"

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Well? "I can't see him anywhere."

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Now we've got a very unusual act for you. He's called Bobby Badfingers.

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Yeah. Bad fingers, bad ankles, bad knees, bad head. He's a bad man.

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That's why he's here.

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Yes, serving three years,

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please give a big welcome to Bobby Badfinger.

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APPLAUSE

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Whoo! Yeah!

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Yeah, baby, yeah! All right!

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Hit it!

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# Here comes Snappy Claus Here comes Snappy Claus

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# Right down Snappy Claus Lane

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# Fixing, blitzing all his reindeer

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# Pulling on the rein

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# Fingers are wringing Children singing

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# All is snappy and bright

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# So snap your fingers And say your prayers

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# Cos Snappy Claus comes tonight

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# Here comes Snappy Claus Here comes Snappy Claus

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# Right down Snappy Claus Lane

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# He's got a bag That's filled with toys

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# For all you whippersnappers again

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# Hear those fingers jingle-jangle

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# What a beautiful sight

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# So snap your fingers And jump in bed

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# Because Snappy Claus comes tonight

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# Here comes Snappy Claus Here comes Snappy Claus

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# Right down Snappy Claus Lane

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# He doesn't care If you're snapping or not

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# He loves you just the same

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# Snappy knows That we're snappy children

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# That makes everything right

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# So fill your ears with Snappy cheer

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# Cos Snappy Claus comes tonight

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# Cos Snappy Claus comes tonight... #

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Yeah! Whippersnappers! Yeah!

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HE-E-E-EY!

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APPLAUSE

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There we are! Give him a round of applause - Bobby Badfingers!

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Marvellous. I wish when I snapped my fingers everyone'd come running.

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-Mr Burgess?

-Yes?

-Ooh, he did!

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66, clickety-click.

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Old bingo expression there.

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I think it was quite a good act,

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but I think he was too mad

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and too snappy.

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What did you think of him?

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Well, he sounded strange...mad...

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Maybe even crazy.

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But strangely talented in the art of finger snapping.

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I liked him because

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he was extremely funny and talented to do both things at the same time.

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You've drawn a picture of Bobby there.

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-There's Bobby. You've missed out the moustache there!

-Oh, yeah!

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One final word?

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OK.

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OK.

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# Here comes Snappy Claus Here comes Snappy Claus... #

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Sounds like a well-dressed lobster!

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Next up - Feeding The Fish.

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They were singers,

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they wouldn't learn their scales!

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Jailers and jailbirds,

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show your appreciation for Feeding The Fish!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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AUDIENCE: Whoo!

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APPLAUSE

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Marvellous.

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A big round of applause for Feeding The Fish, jailers and jailbirds!

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Think I can do it? Hey, look at that!

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I'm not good enough to join Feeding The Fish, but what did you think?

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Jugglers - love them or hate them?

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It was amazing, fabulous, exciting - my favourite so far.

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And what did this little Santa think?

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It was my favourite so far, it was really entertaining,

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-but I think their name was weird.

-It was totally amazing and has got

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-my vote so far. They repeated themselves though.

-Really?

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-You'd like a little more freshness?

-Yes.

-What would you like more of?

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Ummm... Just more simple juggling and just...

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Maybe they could try running around juggling.

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-What did you think?

-I thought it was quite good,

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-but they could have thrown their clubs higher.

-Nobody's happy!

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Now, don't let me down, Miss. I want one,

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count it, ONE final word.

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-Brilliant.

-Brilliant!

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APPLAUSE

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I want you to shout out the name of the act you liked so far.

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Shout it out!

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-SHOUTING

-Who's it going to be?

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Melv, you're on next!

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The potion's a load of rubbish.

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# Ah-ah-ah ah ah... #

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Shut it!

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You don't need magic, Melv, you ARE magic!

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-My brother lied to me!

-He was only trying to help.

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You got up on this stage before. You can do it again.

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Yeah, Melv, you're electric boogaloo!

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Whoo!

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Whoo!

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You're right, Pete.

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I'm cured! Right!

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Our final performing prisoners are here in the slammer.

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They're a very loud band, serving six years in The Slammer

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for rehearsing late at night in a built-up area.

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Will you please welcome Outrage!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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This song is called Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.

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# All is calm All is bright

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-# Round your... #

-SHUT UP!

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ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

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# You'd better watch out

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# You'd better not cry Better not pout, I'm telling you why

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# Santa Claus is coming to town

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# Santa Claus is coming to town

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# Santa Claus is coming to town

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# With little tin horns And little toy drums

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# Rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums

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# Santa Claus is coming to town

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# Santa Claus is coming to town

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# Santa Claus is coming to town

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Here we go!

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AUDIENCE: WHOO!!!!

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CHEERING AND WHISTLING

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AUDIENCE: Oi! Oi! Oi!

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Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

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Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

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Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

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# He's making a list Checking it twice

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# Gonna find out Who's naughty or nice

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# Santa Claus is coming to town

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# Santa Claus is coming to town

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# Santa Claus is coming to town

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# He sees you when you're sleeping

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# He knows when you're awake

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# He knows when You've been bad or good

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# So be good for goodness sake!

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# You better watch out You better not cry

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# You better not pout I'm telling you why

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# Santa Claus is coming to town Santa Claus is coming to town

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# Santa Claus is coming to town Santa Claus is coming

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# Santa Claus is coming

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# Santa Claus is coming to town. #

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APPLAUSE

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Let's hear it for Outrage, please!

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Let's hear it for Outrage!

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Oh, marvellous. Outrage there and Melvin doing Santa dancing!

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A round of applause for Melvin as well!

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-I thought

-I

-was Santa Claus! I've certainly got the tummy for it.

0:23:290:23:34

What did you think?

0:23:340:23:36

-Outrage or Shoutrage?

-Their name was Outrage and I thought that was

0:23:360:23:41

a complete outrage. They all look like girls

0:23:410:23:46

but I think they'd win the X Factor.

0:23:460:23:49

-That's a sensible comment, that is.

-What did you think of Outrage?

0:23:490:23:54

-They were really good. They get my vote.

-Your lips never moved once!

0:23:540:24:00

You know how to make that look better? Like that.

0:24:000:24:05

-Do you think it was just some lads banging stuff?

-Um...

0:24:050:24:09

I thought they were wicked and brilliant.

0:24:090:24:13

-Melvin was funny too.

-Ah, yes, of course.

0:24:130:24:17

-A final word from you, please.

-Wicked.

-Wicked.

0:24:170:24:22

Four marvellous prisoner acts,

0:24:220:24:25

only one of them can go free at Christmas time.

0:24:250:24:29

Welcome them all back, please.

0:24:290:24:31

Yo Yo People!

0:24:310:24:33

Bobby Badfingers, Feeding The Fish!

0:24:330:24:36

Outrage!

0:24:360:24:38

Give them all a big cheer, guys and girls!

0:24:380:24:42

CHEERING

0:24:420:24:45

Only one of these performing prisoner acts can go free.

0:24:450:24:50

You're going to decide with this - a Yuletide clapometer,

0:24:500:24:54

held by a festive Gimbert there.

0:24:540:24:58

Jailers and jailbirds, make some noise for Yo Yo People!

0:24:580:25:03

APPLAUSE

0:25:030:25:06

Yo Yo People, going up, going down.

0:25:100:25:13

Let's see for the first score on this special Slammer.

0:25:130:25:18

Not a bad score.

0:25:180:25:21

Next, he came all the way from

0:25:210:25:23

America, a very snappy, unusual act. Ladies and gentlemen,

0:25:230:25:29

a big hand please for Bobby...

0:25:290:25:32

Badfingers!

0:25:320:25:34

APPLAUSE

0:25:340:25:37

Tough crowd, Bobby.

0:25:370:25:40

Tough.

0:25:400:25:42

Let's see what they scored. Bobby's bad fingers snapped away

0:25:420:25:46

and got a score of 86.7.

0:25:460:25:50

You'll be joining us for a little more festive fare, Bobby. Now,

0:25:500:25:55

another unusual act. Very talented, with lots of glowing lights.

0:25:550:26:00

What did you think of Feeding The Fish?

0:26:000:26:03

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:030:26:06

There we are, let's go over to the clapometer

0:26:060:26:10

and see what Feeding The Fish scored... 96.6!

0:26:100:26:16

In the lead so far, Feeding The Fish! So...

0:26:160:26:20

We've got one more act to see, or to hear.

0:26:200:26:24

What did you think about them? Show your appreciation

0:26:240:26:28

for Outrage.

0:26:280:26:30

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:300:26:34

I wonder...

0:26:470:26:49

I wonder what the score will be.

0:26:490:26:52

Let's have a look. It's 101.8!

0:26:520:26:55

That means that Outrage

0:26:550:26:58

are free to go. The rest of you... Give them a big cheer!

0:26:580:27:03

That's about it for this special festive Slammer.

0:27:050:27:11

We hope you had a good time, and remember -

0:27:110:27:15

if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

0:27:150:27:17

-ALL: Don't do the crime!

-Bye-bye!

0:27:170:27:21

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, 2006

0:27:300:27:34

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:340:27:37

Time to get rid of this little lot.

0:27:440:27:46

AARGGGHHHH!

0:27:460:27:48

My babies! It's a Christmas miracle!

0:27:480:27:52

We love you with Christmas love!

0:27:520:27:55

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!

0:27:550:27:56

It is Christmas in the Slammer and that means visiting time for the inmates. Performing for freedom are yo-yoers, a young rock band, jugglers and a snappy American finger-clicker.


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