Episode 15 The Slammer


Episode 15

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 15. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime

0:00:040:00:08

# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time

0:00:080:00:12

# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste

0:00:120:00:17

# Performing to the limit To try and get released

0:00:170:00:21

# So go fetch the audience

0:00:210:00:24

# And bring them to The Slammer

0:00:240:00:26

# And polish up your act

0:00:260:00:28

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

0:00:280:00:30

# Your fate is in their hands

0:00:300:00:32

# So make 'em cheer and clamour

0:00:320:00:35

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer

0:00:350:00:39

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer. #

0:00:390:00:42

Hello my little jailer and jailbirds.

0:00:460:00:48

I'm the Governor and welcome to a very special edition of The Slammer.

0:00:480:00:52

Let's face it, the break between Christmas and New Year can be,

0:00:520:00:56

well, a little bit boring once the presents have been opened and broken

0:00:560:01:00

and the choccies have been scoffed. Well, for the next half hour

0:01:000:01:03

all that's about to change

0:01:030:01:05

as I present for you, as a Christmas bonus,

0:01:050:01:07

a special selection box of some of the cleverest convict acts

0:01:070:01:12

we've had through the doors of The Slammer this year.

0:01:120:01:15

First an act that were flexible and funny

0:01:150:01:18

as we relive the incredible acrobatic antics of the Acromaniacs.

0:01:180:01:22

CHEERING

0:01:340:01:36

CRUNCH!

0:02:050:02:07

PA-A-ARP!

0:02:340:02:37

CHEERING

0:03:450:03:47

I don't know about you, but seeing them again there

0:03:470:03:51

makes me feel dead proud.

0:03:510:03:53

After that performance they got released from The Slammer

0:03:530:03:55

but they sent me a Christmas card.

0:03:550:03:57

It says, " Happy Christmas to the Governor. Love from the Acromaniacs.

0:03:570:04:01

"PS - tell Melvin we still want that 20 quid he owes us."

0:04:010:04:05

-BURP!

-Sorry about that. Mince pies.

0:04:050:04:08

Now, prepare to be amazed

0:04:080:04:11

as we present a prisoner who got on his bike quite literally.

0:04:110:04:14

The cycling skills of Rob Alton - BMX master.

0:04:140:04:18

APPLAUSE

0:04:300:04:33

APPLAUSE

0:04:480:04:50

APPLAUSE

0:05:240:05:26

CHEERING

0:05:430:05:46

Rob Alton, the BMX master there.

0:06:290:06:31

Before he left The Slammer, he asked me join his act

0:06:310:06:35

after seeing me pull some impressive wheelies on my own tricycle.

0:06:350:06:39

But I had to say, "Rob, I am a man of many talents,

0:06:390:06:42

"but it would be unfair to leave the other prisoners to Mr Burgess."

0:06:420:06:46

So I had to turn him down

0:06:460:06:48

but hey, that's showbiz, folks!

0:06:480:06:51

Sorry, anyway...where was I?

0:06:510:06:53

Time for some dancing of the Bollywood kind

0:06:530:06:56

as we prepare to present to you the bewitching, brilliant Bavini.

0:06:560:07:01

BOLLYWOOD TUNE PLAYS

0:07:010:07:04

TEMPO SPEEDS UP

0:07:410:07:43

APPLAUSE

0:08:460:08:48

The former prisoner you're about to see

0:08:480:08:51

is one of the most amazing talents we've ever seen in The Slammer -

0:08:510:08:55

a juggler with lightning fast fingers. I taught him all he knows.

0:08:550:08:59

-CRASH

-So it gives me great pleasure

0:08:590:09:01

to introduce to you the supreme skills of Chris Creamo.

0:09:010:09:05

Missed!

0:09:060:09:07

APPLAUSE

0:09:490:09:52

APPLAUSE

0:10:060:10:08

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:10:420:10:44

FUNKY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:10:440:10:47

Well, it goes without saying that I've got twinkle toes.

0:10:520:10:55

At The Slammer Christmas party, there was a stampede of people

0:10:550:10:59

trying to catch me on the dancefloor throwing a few shapes.

0:10:590:11:02

Most of them were heading back to the cells begging to be locked in

0:11:020:11:06

but I knew they liked me. Uh, who am I trying to kid?

0:11:060:11:09

The only thing I've got in common with this lot of dancing delinquents

0:11:090:11:12

is a love of fine tailoring. Check out Flawless.

0:11:120:11:16

Oh, I think I've pulled a fat.

0:11:160:11:18

This is the situation now.

0:11:180:11:19

# Absolutely flawless

0:11:190:11:21

# Better watch

0:12:120:12:14

# Listen up

0:12:140:12:16

CHEERING

0:12:190:12:22

# So...so...so electric... #

0:12:220:12:26

DISCO TEMPO PLAYS

0:12:260:12:29

ELECTRONIC DANCE BEAT PLAYS

0:12:430:12:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:13:090:13:11

Cheers to the fabulous Flawless lads

0:13:110:13:14

who rocked their way out of The Slammer with that routine.

0:13:140:13:17

Now it's time for a song. Our next act wasn't an actual inmate,

0:13:170:13:21

he was a young visitor who helped us out when Melvin got stage fright.

0:13:210:13:26

His name was Mr Sean Walsh

0:13:260:13:28

who's only 11 years of age, but he certainly got us rocking.

0:13:280:13:32

He was Rocking Robin, in fact. Enjoy.

0:13:320:13:35

# He rocks in the tree tops all day long

0:13:350:13:38

# Hoppin' and a-boppin' Just singing that song

0:13:380:13:40

# All the little birdies on Jaybird Street

0:13:400:13:43

# Love to hear the robin Go tweet tweet tweet

0:13:430:13:45

-# Rockin' robin

-Tweet Tweet

-rock rock

0:13:450:13:48

-# Rockin' robin

-Tweet Tweetdl-tweet

0:13:480:13:51

# Blow Rockin' Robin Cos we really got to rock tonight

0:13:510:13:55

# Tweetdl-tweet

0:13:550:13:57

# Pretty little raven at the bird-band stand

0:14:130:14:16

# Told them how to do the bop And it was grand

0:14:160:14:19

# They started going steady And-a bless my soul

0:14:190:14:21

# He out-bopped the buzzard and the oriol

0:14:210:14:24

# He rocked in the treetops All day long

0:14:240:14:27

# Hoppin' and a-boppin' Just singin' that song

0:14:270:14:29

# All the little birdies on Jailbird Street

0:14:290:14:32

# Love to hear the robin Go tweet tweet tweet

0:14:320:14:35

-# Rockin' Robin

-Tweet tweet

-rock rock

0:14:350:14:38

-# Rockin' Robin

-Tweet Tweetdl-tweet

0:14:380:14:40

# Blow Rockin' Robin Cos we really got to rock tonight

0:14:400:14:44

# Tweet tweet, tweetdl-tweet

0:14:440:14:46

# Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet

0:14:460:14:49

# Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet

0:14:490:14:52

# Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet, tweet

0:14:520:14:55

# Tweet, tweet, tweet-tweet. #

0:14:550:14:57

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:14:570:14:59

Hello, little rockin' robin there. Fly free little bird.

0:14:590:15:05

-SPLAT!

-Thank you.

0:15:050:15:08

As it's Christmas, I'll introduce this next act through charades.

0:15:080:15:13

So, three words. Sounds like...

0:15:130:15:17

Oh! ..Obviously they're tight. Loose, yeah.

0:15:170:15:21

OK, second word. Hair. Loose hair.

0:15:210:15:25

Third word. Head. Loose hair head.

0:15:250:15:28

Which is a ridiculous name for an act.

0:15:280:15:32

So I'll pass you to a man who has more hot air than me. Bruce Airhead.

0:15:320:15:37

Do you have some paper?

0:15:370:15:39

You're right, that bird will be miles away by now.

0:15:390:15:43

MUSIC: "Mambo No.5" by Lou Bega

0:15:430:15:46

# One, two, three, four, five

0:15:530:15:56

# Everybody in the car, so come on let's ride

0:15:560:15:58

# To the liquor store around the corner

0:15:580:16:01

# The boys say they want some gin and juice but I really don't wanna

0:16:010:16:05

# Beerbust like I had last week

0:16:050:16:07

# I must stay deep cos talk is cheap

0:16:070:16:10

# I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita

0:16:100:16:12

# And as I continue, you know they're getting sweeter

0:16:120:16:16

# So what can I do? I really beg you, my Lord

0:16:160:16:18

# To me flirting is just like a sport

0:16:180:16:21

# Anything fly It's all good, let me dump it

0:16:210:16:24

# Please send in the trumpet

0:16:240:16:26

# A little bit of Monica in my life

0:16:260:16:28

# A little bit of Erica by my side

0:16:280:16:31

# A little bit of Rita's all I need

0:16:310:16:34

# A little bit of Tina's what I see

0:16:340:16:36

# Jump up and down and move it all around

0:16:470:16:50

# Shake your head to the sound Put your hands on the ground

0:16:500:16:53

# Take one step left and one step right

0:16:530:16:55

# One to the front and one to the side

0:16:550:16:58

# Clap your hands once and clap your hands twice

0:16:580:17:01

# And if it looks like this then you're doing it right

0:17:010:17:03

# A little bit of Monica in my life

0:17:030:17:06

# A little bit of Erica by my side

0:17:060:17:09

# A little bit of Rita's all I need

0:17:090:17:11

# A little bit of Tina's what I see

0:17:110:17:14

# A little bit of Sandra in the sun

0:17:140:17:17

# A little bit of Mary all night long

0:17:170:17:20

# A little bit of Jessica, here I am

0:17:200:17:22

# A little bit of you makes me your man. #

0:17:220:17:25

THUNDERBIRDS THEME TUNE

0:17:310:17:35

'..four...three...two...

0:17:350:17:39

'one.'

0:17:390:17:41

SUPERMAN THEME TUNE

0:17:430:17:47

We have some remarkable talents residing at Her Majesty's pleasure

0:17:540:18:00

here in the Slammer.

0:18:000:18:02

If you were left breathless by Bruce Airhead, make sure you sit down.

0:18:020:18:07

This next act will amuse and amaze.

0:18:070:18:10

It's the superb and surprising Human Slinky.

0:18:100:18:15

MUSIC: "Beware of the Dog" by Jamelia

0:18:200:18:24

# Oh, oh, uh, uh, yeah

0:18:280:18:31

# Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

0:18:310:18:35

# Oh, oh Uh, uh

0:18:350:18:38

# Oh, oh, uh, uh

0:18:380:18:42

# D'you know how much you want him You're trying to be cool about it

0:18:420:18:46

# You're trying to be big about it

0:18:460:18:48

# You're constantly just denying

0:18:480:18:52

# You're like a moth to a flame

0:18:520:18:54

# You hardly wait But listen cos I know what I'm saying

0:18:540:18:59

# He's trying to catch you in And then he will back you in

0:18:590:19:03

# Cos he's just another girl addict

0:19:030:19:06

# And if you give it away

0:19:060:19:09

# You better be crazy, crazy

0:19:090:19:11

# Stop, you better shake him off

0:19:110:19:14

# Before he gets ya

0:19:140:19:16

# He's gonna get ya He's coming to get ya

0:19:160:19:19

# Stop, he'll only build you up And then forget ya

0:19:190:19:23

# He's dirty to the bone Beware of the dog

0:19:230:19:27

# You better shake him off

0:19:270:19:29

# Before he gets ya

0:19:290:19:30

# He's gonna get ya He's coming to get ya

0:19:300:19:34

# Stop, he'll only build you up And then forget ya

0:19:340:19:38

# He's dirty to the bone Beware of the dog

0:19:380:19:42

# Oh, stop, you better shake him off Before he gets ya

0:19:420:19:45

# He's gonna get ya He's coming to get ya

0:19:450:19:49

# Stop, he'll only build you up And then forget ya

0:19:490:19:53

# He's dirty to the bone Beware of the dog

0:19:530:19:56

# Beware of the dog

0:19:580:20:00

# Beware of the dog. #

0:20:020:20:04

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:20:050:20:07

Occasionally, we look after inmates who need extra warden security.

0:20:070:20:12

This next act fell into this high-risk category.

0:20:120:20:16

Not cos we though they'd escape but because my nephew is such a big fan,

0:20:160:20:21

he wanted to join the band and started stalking them day and night

0:20:210:20:26

which was very embarrassing.

0:20:260:20:28

Anyway, after this performance of Star Girl, they were released.

0:20:280:20:32

Here they are - the one and only McFly. Hit it!

0:20:320:20:36

-HE DRUMS A BEAT

-Stick that up your jumper, Harry!

0:20:360:20:41

# Hey

0:20:420:20:43

# I'm looking up for my star girl

0:20:430:20:46

# I guess I'm stuck in this mad world

0:20:460:20:49

# With things that I wanna say

0:20:490:20:52

# But you're a million miles away

0:20:520:20:55

# And I was afraid when you kissed me

0:20:550:20:58

# On your intergalactical frisbee

0:20:580:21:02

# I wonder why, I wonder why

0:21:020:21:04

# You never asked me to stay

0:21:040:21:08

# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo

0:21:080:21:11

# So wouldn't you like to come with me?

0:21:110:21:14

# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo

0:21:140:21:17

# Surfin' the sun As it starts to rise

0:21:170:21:21

# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo

0:21:210:21:22

# Whoa, your gravity's makin' me dizzy

0:21:220:21:28

# Girl, I gotta tell ya I'm feelin' much better

0:21:280:21:31

# Make a little love in the moonlight

0:21:310:21:35

# Hey

0:21:370:21:38

# There's nothin' on Earth that could save us

0:21:380:21:41

# When I fell in love with Uranus I don't wanna give you away

0:21:410:21:48

# Cos it makes no sense at all

0:21:480:21:51

# Houston we got a problem

0:21:510:21:54

# Ground control couldn't stop them

0:21:540:21:57

# I wonder why, I wonder why

0:21:570:22:00

# You never asked me to stay, yeah

0:22:000:22:03

# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo

0:22:030:22:06

# Wouldn't you like to come with me?

0:22:060:22:09

# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo

0:22:090:22:12

# Surfin' the sun as it starts to rise

0:22:120:22:16

# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo

0:22:160:22:18

# Whoa, your gravity's makin' me dizzy

0:22:180:22:23

# Girl, I gotta tell ya I feel much better

0:22:230:22:26

# Make a little love in the moonlight

0:22:260:22:30

# Fly awaaaaay

0:22:310:22:34

# Watch the night turn into day

0:22:340:22:37

# Dance on the Milky Way

0:22:380:22:40

# Melt me with your eyes

0:22:410:22:44

# My star girl rules the skies

0:22:440:22:54

# One, two, one, two, three, four

0:22:570:23:00

# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo

0:23:160:23:19

# Wouldn't you like to come with me?

0:23:190:23:22

# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo

0:23:220:23:25

# Go surfin' the sun as it starts to rise

0:23:250:23:28

# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo

0:23:280:23:31

# Woah, wouldn't you like to go with me?

0:23:310:23:33

# Yeah

0:23:330:23:36

# Girl, I gotta tell ya I feel much better

0:23:360:23:38

# I can't get enough of you

0:23:380:23:41

# Galaxy defender, stay forever

0:23:420:23:45

# Never get enough of you. #

0:23:450:23:49

Listen, jailers and jailbirds,

0:23:540:23:56

we've almost reached the end of our trip down memory lane.

0:23:560:24:00

But before I head home for another triple decker turkey sandwich,

0:24:000:24:05

and one final bucket of Christmas pud, I've one last surprise for you.

0:24:050:24:10

It's a favourite of mine from the Slammer this year.

0:24:100:24:13

It's the quick-change artists, David and Dania.

0:24:130:24:17

David and Dania there - what professionalism.

0:26:170:26:21

And what a truly unique act - which reminds me...

0:26:210:26:26

I asked Mr Burgess, Gimbert, Melvin, and Pete to meet me in my office

0:26:260:26:30

round about now for an important announcement.

0:26:300:26:33

Left, right, left, right, left, right...

0:26:330:26:38

Stand up nicely for the Governor.

0:26:380:26:39

You have lots of time on your hands but I have a date with a Yule log

0:26:390:26:44

and the very best of Strictly Come Dancing on DVD.

0:26:440:26:48

-ALL: Hang on. Melvin? What are you doing back?

-I missed ya.

0:26:480:26:53

Yes, well, we missed you. Anyway, I have something serious to say.

0:26:530:26:59

-What I have to say is...

-POP!

0:26:590:27:02

Happy new year! Hurray!

0:27:020:27:05

ALL: Happy new year!

0:27:050:27:08

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

0:27:080:27:11

# So welcome to The Slammer, where you're gonna serve your time

0:27:110:27:15

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

0:27:150:27:20

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

0:27:200:27:24

# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

0:27:330:27:38

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

0:27:380:27:42

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

0:27:420:27:46

-# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

-The Slammer

0:27:480:27:53

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

0:27:530:27:56

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS