Episode 3 The Slammer

# You've been found

# Guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to the Slammer

# Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

Morning, Giblet.

Here, what have I told you about biting your nails?

Sorry, uncle, but I forgot my sandwiches and I'm really hungry.

Well, I suppose I'll have to give you some money for your lunch,

although I'm skint enough as it is,

What with having to pay a man to get rid of that enormous leek on B-wing.

And on top of that, it's Freedom Show Day.

Up for release tonight, the amazing Asher Tea and his Diablo.

The stupendous Fraser Hooper the clown.

The fantastic Beatbox Unorthodox and the truly magnificent quick-change artists David and Dania.

It's costing me a small fortune, I'll tell you that for nothing. Come on, you.

Cooper!

Stop that immediately. He'll do his nut if you tire yourself out before this evening's show.

Now then, lad, back to your cell.

Have a lovely lie-down and a nice cup of tea.

At once!

All right, Mr Burgess?

Odum. P Nokio.

-Chimp.

-Chump.

HE MAKES MONKEY NOISES

Stop it, Chimp!

Now then, I want no trouble from you today, Odum.

Cos today is Show Day.

I want no mischief, no naughtiness and no other types of monkey business.

Oi, you, I want a...

Do you hear me, lad?

Yes, sir, Mr Burgess. You were shouting quite loud.

Loud and clear I am. For your sake.

I'll be watching you, lad.

On your way.

Hey, guys, can I have a word?

-Hey, Major.

-Hey, there, the amazing Mile Hearn!

-How's tricks, man?

-Not so good come actually. I need your help.

I've heard that you two can get things that no-one else can.

That's true, what do you need?

It's Mr Flopsy. He passed away about a month ago so I'm having to get by with what I've got in here.

It's just not the same. I need a real rabbit.

OK, mate.

You come back this afternoon and I'll get you your bunny.

-It'll cost you, though.

-OK, hang on, how's that?

Magique. I'll add it to my list.

Can you sort out a wig for Harry, too?

Chewing-gum. Which idiot left that there?

There's nowt here, you'll have to come back.

Thank you, Uncle.

Pull.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Dear me.

You're on watch while I talk to Sue about getting all the stuff in.

Keep your eyes open for Burgess, he'll stop us if he gets the chance.

No problem, Mel, you can count on me.

Whoo, cooee, Melvyn!

You all right, Sue? You are looking fine, girl.

I really appreciate you helping us out here.

You'll make the performers happy.

Oh, Melvyn, don't you worry about them donkeys.

It's you I want to make happy.

We've got to do this properly, otherwise Burgess will catch us.

I'm going to keep the eyes out down there, you keep an eye on the stairs.

Oh, yeah, no worries, no problem, mate.

It's all ready, just like we planned.

-I'll just give you the list.

-And I'll nip out and get it.

-And you'll smuggle it all in in your kn...

-Odum.

Smuggling, hey? You're dead meat.

And I'll see to it that you're well grilled.

The Governor will come down on you like the curtain at the Old Vic.

You're fired, you're an idiot and you're coming with me. Move!

-Bye, Melvin.

-That's proper bad, that, in't it?

Yes.

Mr Governor, sir.

I've just apprehended this theatrical reject in the middle of a dastardly

scheme to smuggle in dangerous items, sir.

Yes. Oh, rabbits, yeah, very hazardous. Very nibbly.

Listen, Frank, would it be so terrible to let them have a few things here? Look at that.

Chas the chainsaw juggler, I mean, he needs them plasters.

You have to show this riff-raff a little discipline,

otherwise they will moonwalk all over you.

If you say so. Hang on, why has it got all money written down here?

-£20 there, £10 there, another £20.

-That's what people give me

-for getting their stuff in for them, sir.

-It's disgusting.

Interesting. Very interesting.

-That much money for a few little things like that, eh?

-Yes,

but I suppose I'll have to give it all back now.

Sir, I think it only right and proper that you give Odum a right good shouting at.

Also, sir, you and I should have a little chat about spending a little bit more money on security.

Must we? Oh, yes, we must.

Anyway, that'll have to be later. I might just pop into town first.

I'll take this with me, um, er, to make me shout better at Melvyn, yeah.

See you later, Melv, bye.

Get off, you flaming maniac!

Now, listen, Charlie Chimp, that was a very naughty thing you did,

not telling us Mr Burgess was coming, and you need to be punished.

Melvyn won't be able to get everyone what they need now

and they're all going to be very disappointed in him.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to shave you.

BUZZING

Hold on, Pete!

-Hold on.

-What, what?

-It might be all right after all.

I've just seen the Governor.

-Would you not agree that it is time for Odum's punishment to be meted out?

-Ah, yes, Burgess, good man.

-I was just going to ask you to bring young Melvyn to me.

-Were you, sir?

-Yes, I was. Leave him there and shut the door on your way out.

-But can't I stay, sir?

Can't I, er...watch?

No, I always do my best shouting when I'm alone.

Out you go, Frank. Good man.

It will never happen again! Do you hear me, young Melvyn!

I couldn't see the harm this one time.

I couldn't possibly do it again, though. Unless I was really skint.

-Check I got everything?

-I trust you, guv.

Thank you so much, you're a true gent.

Well, I didn't do it all out of the kindness of my heart, young Melvyn.

Oh, yes, sorry, boss.

Yes, yes, yes. No, no, no.

Pleasure doing business with you, young Melvyn. Now, I've got to go and do the show.

-Will you make sure all the people get the things they need?

-No worries, you go ahead.

OK, then.

CHEERING

The audience are in.

-How do I look?

-Divine.

Thank you very much. It's showtime!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer, where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

So please welcome your host, the man who puts the cool in the cooler, it's the Governor!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Woh, yeah! Who's the Governor?

You're the Governor!

What an audience we've got here, what an audience.

You're gorgeous, you're gorgeous, you're gorgeous, you're gorgeous. All right, love? Now...

we've got some marvellous prisoners here on The Slammer

and you're going to decide who's going to walk free today.

On our Freedom Show, we've got wonderful acts.

-We've got Asher Tea and his Diablo.

-AUDIENCE: Woo-oo!

-What's that? I don't want to come off. Yes. We've got Beatbox Unorthodox.

-Woo-oo!

-You've never heard of him, have you? And we've got a clown called Fraser Hooper.

-Woo-oo!

And we've got an international act, yes, on D-wing, we're holding them

until we can transport them back to America on extradition. We've got David and Dania!

-Woo-oo!

-It's going to be exciting and you're going to... I'm out of breath

from just coming down those stairs. You're going to decide who's going to take the walk of freedom.

-So are you ready for the first performing prisoners?

-Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, jailers and jailbirds, will you please make some noise?

From A-wing, the wonderful Asher Tea and his Diablo!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

MUSIC ENDS

Take him back to A-wing! There you go, Asher Tea and his Diablo.

He's serving six months for breaking all the lightbulbs. That was Asher Tea and his Diablo.

Will he be taking the walk to freedom from The Slammer?

I don't know but you've got some opinions. Mr Burgess, over to you.

Right then, madam, what did you think of that young gentleman?

I thought that was amazing.

-What did you think of Asher Tea and his Diablo?

-Vomit. It means great.

Vomit? It means great?!

-Eurrgh!

-What about you, sir?

The best thing I've ever seen.

In your entire life, sir? I find that very difficult to believe.

But you're entitled to your opinion. ..Sir?

It was great, the best thing I ever saw.

-He's come a long way. What about you?

-He was a world breaker.

-A world breaker indeed. Perhaps you could sum up that act in one word for us, madam.

-Wicked.

Yeah, well, they're all wicked in here, sir. Over to you.

Asher Tea and his Diablo. Now, the next act is from B-wing.

We thought we had some trouble with the plumbing when we heard him but he's a human beatbox.

I'd never heard one before but you're going to hear him now.

He's fantastic. He's serving two years for performing whilst having the hiccups.

Will you please welcome the fantastic Beatbox Unorthodox?!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls. You're now listening to Beatbox...

Unorthodox.

HE BEATBOXES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There it is! Yes!

Oh, heck! Wow!

Beatbox Unorthodox!

I said, be bo ba bo be!

Mrs Governor says I sound like that after I've had a curry. Oh, dear.

Right, well, did you like him?

I thought he was fantastic.

Mr Burgess. Over to you, sir.

-What did you think?

-Amazing.

-How would you describe it to your mates?

-Er, that was cool.

-"That was cool."

-Did you like Beatbox?

Well, I've never heard anything like that.

Didn't you think he sounded like he was trumping?

GIGGLING

What about over here? Did you like the Beatbox Unorthodox?

-No.

-No?! Why not?

Uh, too...prrrrff!

-So in a word, what would you describe him as?

-Toilet.

GIGGLING

-Do you think you could do the sounds?

-Yep.

Tch, tch, pa, tch tch tch.

Pt, tch, tch, pa, tch tch tch.

-Keep going.

-Tch, tch, pa, tch tch tch.

Oh, yeah, we like it! Mr Burgess, book her!

So if you could sum that act up in one final word, please, madam.

I could sum it up in two, but not in one.

All right, give us two.

At the beginning it was funny, but...

You are doing a whole spiel now. We asked for one word! Go on,

do your comments.

-Funny and cool.

-Funny and cool. One word, madam.

-Great.

-Great.

There you go, sir. Over to you.

Well, that was your views on Beatbox Unorthodox.

Just two more performing prisoners and then you'll decide

who's going to take the walk of freedom from The Slammer.

-Are you enjoying yourselves?

-ALL: Yes!

We've now got a clown. I used to be in the circus, you know?

I wasn't good, but I was the only one who could get the tent back in the bag.

Now, would you please make lots of noise for your very own Fraser Hooper the clown!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUZAK PLAYS

HE WHISTLES

CHEERING

AUDIENCE: Urgh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LOUD BURP

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

Take him back.

Give him a round of applause! Fraser Hooper!

Take him back to C wing. Just one of the many clowns we've got here in The Slammer.

Well, you've seen three performing prisoners. Just one more to go now.

First, let's find out what you thought of Fraser Hooper.

-Over to you, Mr Burgess.

-Madam, what was your opinion of that act?

-Weird. He makes this funny face all the time.

-Did you like that?

-Yeah.

-And what about you? Did you like Fraser Hooper the clown?

-Yes.

What was the best bit?

-Um... When he was using the finger to pick his nose.

-Ohhh!

-What about you, sir?

-That was rubbish.

LAUGHTER

-Why, sir?

-He kept on dancing and making the same funny face.

Right, over to you, sir.

Well, what fantastic performers we've had today on The Slammer.

-Are you enjoying yourselves?

-Yeah!

Oh, yeah! Who is going to be making the walk to the freedom from The Slammer?

We don't know, but you will be deciding very, very shortly,

because we have one more act to see.

On D wing, they are international artistes,

but they're banged up in The Slammer awaiting extradition to the good old US of A.

Ladies and gentlemen, jailers and jailbirds, would you please make loads of noise for the fantastic

quick-change brilliance of David and Dania!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LIVELY MUSIC

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

One more!

Send them away!

D wing. Come on, let's hear it for David and Dania! Yeah!

Take 'em away!

Well, marvellous, marvellous.

Next time you're getting changed for PE,

see if you can do it as quickly as that!

-LAUGHTER

-Mr Burgess? Over to you.

Rather superb, I think you will agree. Did you enjoy that, madam?

-It was fabulous.

-Fabulous. Rather impressive that.

-Could you get changed that quickly?

-No. I take hours.

-But you enjoyed them?

-Yeah.

-What did you think?

-I thought it was the best performance

out of all of the performances.

-So it beats the human beatbox in your opinion, sir?

-Yeah.

That could take the lead. In a final word, madam, for you?

Let's see if we can do it in one, this time.

-Unbelievable.

-Unbelievable, sir!

We got a one-word answer! Over to you.

-Well, boys and girls, haven't they all been brilliant, yeah?

-YEAH!

Well, my little jailers and jailbirds, you've got to decide now which of the performing prisoners

will be released, their debt to society paid.

And you are going to decide by the clap-o-meter.

But first, let's welcome them back on stage.

From A wing, it was Asher Tea and his Diablo!

We have the brilliant Beatbox on B Block.

Fraser Hooper made us laugh and the fabulous David and Dania.

All right then, I want you to now make some noise on the clap-o-meter

for Asher Tea and his Diablo!

APPLAUSE

There we are, a rather subdued Asher Tea there.

There we are, well, let's see what his score was.

There we are - 103.3.

Give him a round of applause.

All right then, a good score for Asher Tea.

Now, let's see what you thought of the very unusual sounds from B Block

of Beatbox Unorthodox.

LOUD CHEERS

Lots of noise there. Beatbox - you liked him!

-Let's have a...

-HE BEATBOXES

On the clap-o-meter, he got a score of...

101.1.

My word! So it's still Asher Tea in the lead. All right then,

the third performing prisoner was very unusual, but you loved him.

Please make some noise for C Wing's very own Fraser Hooper?

Oh yes!

SUBDUED APPLAUSE

Well, there we are. Everyone has their opinion.

The only opinion that matters is the clap-o-meter.

Just 97. So, who's going to be taking that walk to freedom?

At the moment, it's going to be Asher Tea and his Diablo.

He's going to be dancing away out of the Slammer

and Mr Burgess doesn't like to see anyone leaving.

We had one more performing prisoner act to see. They were from D Block

but we were only holding them until they could go back to the USA.

Will they be stepping across the pond tonight?

Let's find out as you give your applause and cheers

for the fabulous David and Dania!

LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a look at the score - a fabulous 145.5! The winners!

Step forward. David and Dania.

They go free, their debt to society paid.

Free at last. The rest of them, take them away. David and Dania!

They're free at last. Free at last!

They're free. Go free!

We'll be back soon for more fun in The Slammer with the Governor.

Tatty-bye, bye-bye.

CHEERING

Ah, young Jeremy. Come for your lunch money, have you?

-There you go.

-Oh, thank you.

Twit.