Episode 4 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer, where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get release

# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

-# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

-The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

As you know, today is Freedom Show Day, my favourite day of the week.

And I've chosen these four prisoners to perform for their freedom.

Les Bubb, a mime act with a difference. He's good!

Professor Bumm's Story Machine, a class act.

The world and D-Wing's greatest juggler, Kris Kremo.

And The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain - they're finger picking good!

However, it is not all good news. It has been brought to my attention, ladies and gentlemen,

that escape attempts are on the up - quite literally.

Today I found four prisoners trying to escape in a hot air balloon.

Fortunately, I managed to bring them down with my catapult.

But the important thing is they could have got away. And I won't have that in my prison. Oh, no!

From now on I want you to be extra vigilant.

I couldn't agree more, sir. This place is more like a holiday camp than a prison at times.

Yes, Mr Burgess. That's why I'm issuing you with new equipment.

Now this piece of equipment, if worn correctly, will make it 99.9% impossible for

prisoners to escape and allow you to see what's going on at all times.

I present to you... the platform boot!

MAN COUGHS

OK. I'll give it to you straight.

-Do you know what day it is today?

-Yeah. It's Friday. Freedom Show Day.

-And it's my gran's birthday.

-And...?

And every year, I pick her up from the nursing home and take her out for tea and cake.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Oh, how sweet! What a pity you won't be doing that this year, with you being banged up here!

-HE LAUGHS

-Sssh!

-Stop it.

-Exactly. She'll be heartbroken.

She'll think I've forgot. There's only one thing for it.

What, invite her round here for tea?

Don't be stupid - she doesn't know I'm in prison.

I'm going to have to escape.

Oh, that's all I need. Professor Bumm, Dr Whee, this machine better be working come showtime.

-Otherwise you'll have me to answer to.

-It's all in hand.

-Yes, Mr Burgess. No problem.

-Faster!

Prisoner Kremo, pass me my cap and look smart about it, lad.

All right, all right, less of the funny stuff. Hand it over.

You may be on this afternoon's show but you ain't been released yet.

Mind your step, lad.

And he calls these a deterrent!

If I had my way I'd do things a lot differently.

Oh yeah. Very differently.

I quite like these boots, Mr Burgess.

-Actually, they make me feel quite... quite special.

-Oh yeah.

You're "special" all right, lad.

Honestly. I think they're great. I can see for miles. Oh yeah.

Rest assured, with these on nothing's going to get past me.

Escape? Escape? And how are you planning to escape?

-Shut up, they'll hear you!

-It's not me, it's Titch.

-Pete!

-Be easy. He's only a little lad.

He doesn't understand. Anyway, all this stuff about you going to your granny every year on her birthday...

You've been in here for years. What do you usually do?

Usually it's not a problem.

Well, I wait for the show to start.

That way, the governor and the wardens are watching the show.

I nip out into the exercise yard. Pop over the wall. Pick up Granny from the nursing home.

Take her for a cuppa. Drop her back at the nursing home. Pop back over the wall, past the exercise yard.

And I'm back in my cell before you can say hot shoe shuffle.

# Don't stop till you get enough! #

-Piece of cake.

-Why don't you just do that this year then?

-Have you seen what the wardens are wearing?

-No.

They've got these special fancy hi-tech boots that make it 99.9%

-impossible for anyone to escape.

-INDISTINCT SPEECH

Oh...Melvin, my friend, have no fear. We've got a plan!

Hello, what have we got 'ere, then?

-A magic act?

-Oh, brilliant, I love magic.

-Get a grip, Gimbert.

-Have you got permission to rehearse in the corridor?

-Er, no, sir.

Then it's a spot of punishment for you, my lad.

Eight years solitary should do the trick.

Eight years, isn't that a bit harsh, Mr Burgess?

-I don't make the rules, I just enforce them!

-Oh, let him finish his act.

Oh, yes please, sir. Let me finish me act.

Just before you take me to that deep, dark, damp place.

All right, Mr Magic Man, I may be firm but I am fair.

-Away you go.

-Right.

Now then, first I need a bank note.

The bigger the better.

Thank you.

That's lovely. That'll do fine.

Next I need a watch.

The more expensive the better.

That's lovely. Lovely. Now then, prepare to be amazed.

When I step in the box, you both take a deep breath, then count from one to five.

-Will you assist me, sir?

-Oh, certainly.

-Thank you.

Ah, yes, thank you.

Just a moment.

One...

Two...

-Three...

-Four...

Five!

-I don't believe it!

-Nor do I, it's magic!

No, you idiot, we've been had.

OK, tell me about this plan, then.

Well, I'm beginning to get worried. I started to think we'd never get a slot on the show, never be free...

Will you get on with it, please!

All right! I dug a tunnel underneath my bed.

A passport to paradise. A one-way ticket to freedom street, to be used only in an absolute emergency.

Pete, I'm shocked.

-Well, it wasn't really me. It was Titch and Charlie.

-All right, lads?

And the gang. They've agreed it's for the best.

OK, you're forgetting one thing. When Burgess realises I'm not in my cell,

he'll be onto us faster than you can say, "Chitty Chitty, bang, bang."

Who said anything about you not being in your cell, Melvin? Listen...

There's a lot you don't know about me.

Before I entered the entertainment business I was a master sculptor.

These hands... Oh.

These hands can make anything.

-Anything?

-That's what he said, dummy.

Shush! Even a life size model of you, Melvin.

Now, go...

-And buy your granny the best slice of cake money can buy.

-Oh cakey, cakey, yum, yum...

-Shut up!

This is your governor speaking.

Could all the acts for this week's Freedom Show please...

GET A FLAMING MOVE ON!

Check!

Right, we might have a small problem, sir.

-Whatever it is I don't want to know.

-Oh, but Uncle Ted, it's really important.

OK, make it quick. Don't call me uncle at work.

-More prisoners have escaped.

-What about the boots?

-That's the problem. We're a laughing stock.

While we're hobbling about on these the prisoners are escaping willy-nilly, sir.

Willy-nilly? He's on next week! OK, I'll hold me hands up and me feet.

The boots are not all they're cracked up to be,

but I'll tell you one thing they are good for. Hit it!

# I've got rhythm, I've got... # Oh!

Oh, hello, Melvin. Melvin!

Is this private party, O'Doom, or can anybody join in?

-Oh, Melvin, I'm shocked. What are you playing at?

-I'm sorry, it's my gran's birthday.

I promised to take her out for tea and cake. I was gonna come back.

Save your excuses till after the show. I'm very disappointed in you. You must be punished.

-You will have to watch the show from the camp.

-Nooo!

-Not the camp, all the blood rushes to my head!

-It'll do you good. Anyway, how do I look?

-ALL: Divine.

-Thank you very much. In that case...

..It's show time!

COMPERE: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

So, please welcome your host, he puts the Ted in incarcerated...

He's the Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who's the Governor?!

-ALL: You're the Governor!

Great! Nice to see you folks, jailers and jailbirds.

We've got some marvellous performing prisoners.

-We've got Professor Bumm and Doctor Whee.

-ALL: Oooooh...

Society entertainers.

We've got a wonderful juggler called Kris Kremo.

-Yes!

-ALL: Oooooooh...

The best in the world and the best in D-Wing.

-We've also got the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain!

-ALL: Oooooh...

But first, ladies and gentlemen, jailers and jailbirds, we've got a marvellous mime act.

He's serving two years in The Slammer for refusing to give a statement.

Will you please welcome, the one and only, Mr Les Bubb!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

ELECTRONIC MUSIC

BOY: 'Charlie says always tell your mummy before you go off somewhere.'

APPLAUSE

Give him a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen...

Hurray! Oh...Well...

All that mime. It's not good pretending the bars in The Slammer aren't real, because they are.

He won't get out. Did you enjoy Les Bubb? Let's find out with Mr Burgess!

-What about you, what did you make of him?

-I liked the opening, but my dad can do better.

What did you think of Les Bubb, mime artist?

I think he was really stupid. It made it really funny so I enjoyed it.

-Would you like to read out what you've written?

-"Rubbish!

"I have a fish with more talent."

What did you think?

-"Really could do better. Mistakes everywhere, but overall, good."

-Mistakes, what mistakes?

We've got spare rooms at The Slammer, you can stay overnight, you know.

Do you like porridge? Tell us what you wrote?

-"Crazy and freaky. Very funny."

-Marvellous! Who cut your hair, the council?!

Could you sum that act up in one word for us, sir?

-No.

-None! Thank you. Over to you, sir.

Will Les Bubb be miming his way through the gates of The Slammer?

It'll be up to you to decide. Next we have two performing prisoners.

They're called Professor Bumm and Doctor Whee.

Professor Bumm is serving three years for showing too much cheek to a policeman! Will they go free?

Let's find out as we enjoy Professor Bumm and Doctor Whee's story machine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My name is Bumm.

Ivor Bumm.

Professor Ivor Harry Bumm.

-This is my assistant, Whee.

-Hello, there.

-Willie Whee.

It's Doctor Willie Whee, actually.

-Stop showing off!

-Sorry.

They're all looking at me, Bumm.

They're supposed to look at you, Willie.

We are here today to demonstrate my amazing new story machine.

It can create toys and tails out of thin air.

It has a thousand dazzling costumes.

It has three million sound effects.

-And it's got a great coffee cup holder.

-And it's got a great...

-No, it hasn't!

-Yes, it does. You put your coffee cup there and it's brilliant.

-Yes, well, thank you, Willie.

-No problem.

Today the story machine is going to be creating for you a story out of a single word.

We're gonna need help with that. So let me see.

-Hayley, there, if I can just ask you to say, "Stop" for me, please.

-Stop.

-Fantastic. We need a word from that page in the dictionary.

-This one here?

I'm gonna go straight here. Will you put your finger on this page for me? Brilliant! We've got a ranch, Bumm.

A ranch, that's fantastic!

Brilliant, yee-ha!

All I have to do now is feed the word into the story machine like so.

Then we can start the countdown.

BOTH: Five... Four...

ALL: Three... Two... One.

Zero!

CRASHING

I think it's broken, Bumm.

Oh course it's broken, you just poured coffee into it!

You shouldn't have a coffee cup holder in it!

-It says, "Do not open"!

-I thought it said, "Doughnut, open."

-I thought when you opened it you got a doughnut.

-How would that work?

-You pull that and there's a doughnut.

It's Freedom Show Day. We have to have a story or we'll never get out. What will we do?

Why don't we make a story up and make out the machine's doing the work?

Brilliant! The story machine will now beam the tale of the ranch

-directly into both of our heads at the same time.

-Will it?

-No!

-Once

-upon

-a

-time

-there

-was

-a

-boy

-who

-lived

-on

-a

-ranch.

-Texas

-Joe

-they

-called

-him.

-He

-lived

-all

-by

-himself

-because

-he

-smelled

-of

-horses.

-He

-stank

-of

-horses

-and

-he

-died

-underneath

-the

-horse.

-The

-moral

-of

-this

-tale

-is

-don't

-put

-yourself

-on

-a

-ranch.

-The

-End.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Working perfectly!

Give them a big hand. Give them a big round of applause, jailers and jailbirds.

Big hand for Professor Bumm and Dr Whee!

What did you think, Mr Burgess?

So, Bumm and Whee.

Quality entertainment, madam? Or just a pile of poo?

-I think it was funny. But Dr Whee was a bit immature.

-How would you improve their act?

-I'd give Dr Whee a few lessons.

-And you think that'd improve the act?

-No.

That's what you just said, madam. You said that would improve the act if you educated them.

-Maybe you're hearing me wrong.

-Oh, this isn't Trisha, madam. We're not getting into that.

-What's your name?

-Josh.

-You've got a funny voice, haven't you?

-SQUEAKY: Yeah.

Do you always talk like that?

-SQUEAKY: No.

-Did you like that last act? Do you remember seeing that last act?

-Yeah.

Mr Burgess, I'm getting a bit scared now.

-In one, final word sum that act up for us, madam.

-Entertaining.

Very good. Entertaining, sir.

Well, will Professor Bumm and Dr Whee be leaving The Slammer?

I don't know, it'll be up to you. We've got another marvellous performing prisoner now.

He's a juggler. He was at the Royal Variety Performance juggling balls, skittles, he can juggle anything.

He's serving five years for dropping one in front of the Queen.

Ladies and gentlemen, jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome the fantastic skills of Kris Kremo.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Marvellous. Absolutely fantastic. What did you think of Kris Kremo?

Did he do enough to be released? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

I like it when he bounces it on his arm. It's really good.

-He knows his stuff.

-Could you do it?

No, no chance.

-Never, ever?

-No. He's naturally good at it, I think.

-What about this young man here? Did you like Kris Kremo?

-It was amazing, fantastic and genius.

One final word, sir.

-Brilliant.

-It's getting exciting.

I'm excited cos I'm the Governor. Who's the Governor?

-ALL: You're the Governor!

-Let's find out now, as we have our fourth performing prisoner.

Or should I say prisoners? Because they are the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain.

# What's that coming over the hill?

# Is it a monster? Is it a monster?

# What's that coming over the hill?

# Confused, mind bruised, it seeps out

# It seeps out, it seeps out

# Face down, home town, it seems grey

# Looks so grey, looks so grey

# Convexed you bend, twist and shout

# Twist and shout, twist and shout

# Stand up, brush off, move closer Move closer, move closer

# What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Is it a monster?

# What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Is it a monster?

# What's that coming over the hill?

# Is it a monster?

# Is it a monster?

# What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Is it a monster?

# Is it a monster? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go on, take them back to the cells.

Take them all back to the cells.

Marvellous, give 'em a big cheer! There they are.

The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain.

What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? No, it's Mr Burgess.

What did you think, sir?

It was good. But the man with long hair, I thought he was the monster,

because he kept shaking his head up and down.

-Would he worry you if you saw him coming over a hill, sir?

-Yeah!

What about you? What did you write about them?

Excellent, very talented.

-Marvellous. Would you buy that record?

-Yes.

-Very good.

-Let's go for a word with Mr Burgess.

-What would you say?

-Fantastic.

-Fantastic, sir.

-We've had some brilliant performing prisoners.

-Have you enjoyed them all, kids? Yeah?

-CHILDREN: Yeah!

It's time to find out who'll be walking free.

Let's welcome back all the performing prisoners. Les Bubb!

Professor Bumm and Dr Whee. Kris Kremo and the Ukulele Orchestra!

Here they come. My word.

I don't think we've ever had so many people on the stage.

So, here we go, jailers and jailbirds. Who's it gonna be?

First of all, you saw a marvellous mime artiste.

Will you please show your appreciation for Les Bubb?

I think some of them were miming clapping! Let's have a look.

And Les Bubb's score is...

89.8.

Not bad. That's a good score. Will he be walking free from The Slammer?

I don't know. It's up to you.

Next, we have a very unusual act.

We had two crazy people.

Will you show your appreciation for Professor Bumm and Dr Whee

and their story machine?

I think we're picking something up, Professor Bumm and Dr Whee!

Very hard crowd today. But I've worked clubs like this before.

Let's have a look...

82.5. Not bad, not bad.

At the moment, it's going to be Les Bubb who's walking free,

through an invisible door!

Let's see who we've got next. It was a marvellous juggling act.

Will he be walking free? Give a big hand, please, for Kris Kremo!

That shifted me ear wax!

Let's go over to the clapometer.

A score of 104.2!

Well, at the moment, that means Kris Kremo will be walking free.

There's only one more set of performing prisoners to score.

Here they are, six of them, very unusual.

It's the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain!

It's going to be close.

OK, it's going to be close.

Give the machine a shake!

100.1!

That means, ladies and gentlemen, jailers and jailbirds,

the winner, and walking free, the juggling skills of Kris Kremo!

You're free to go!

Kris Kremo! There he is, take him away.

The rest of you, back to the cells. Give them a round of applause!

Give them a round of applause.

Remember...

if you love showbiz glamour,

there's always a cell for you here at The Slammer.

Until the next time, from all of us, bye-bye, everybody!

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# Leave The Slammer!

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Come on, Melvin. Eat up, son.

Are you not hungry? Hmm?