Episode 5 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience and bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

-# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

-Leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

I'm not too happy about this new pen pal scheme.

Why is that, Uncle Boss?

I don't know, I can't quite put my finger on it.

That's my elbow, sir!

Terribly sorry.

What about you, Frank, don't you think that letting all

the inmates write to their friends around the world

and find out about different cultures is a bit, well, nice?

Well, on first glance, sir, it does appear to be needless kindness.

However, it seems to keep the inmates quiet.

I get to read their pathetic scribbles

and find out what the little villains are up to, sir.

I don't like it - it's show day today and I've got a funny feeling.

I think that's my truncheon, sir.

# No business like show business

# There's no business I know... #

Argh!

# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. #

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

You're rude. ..Sorry, Alesha, good luck on today's show.

Honestly, have to have a bit of respect,

-she's performing for her freedom today.

-Like I care!

Well, why don't you just have a little lie-down

-in the corner over there?

-Argh!

I'll just carry on addressing everyone's letters, shall I?

I've had no time to write letters of my own.

Oh no, too busy helping you lot out with yours.

I'm going to take a break. You're all right for a bit, Melvin,

you can take the blindfold off, I'm putting them away, mate.

I know you like it, but I think this pen pal thing is rubbish.

-Argh! Argh!

-Oh yeah, well done.

You know how Melvin feels about the Queen

and yet you leave a stamped addressed envelope

just lying around. You are a right...

-Don't start with me.

-I will.

-I've had enough today.

-I will because you leave that lying around...

-Melvin,

do you think you'll ever get over this thing about the...?

-It's been years, mate.

-I know.

But I remember it like it were yesterday.

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-'I was backstage with the announcer.'

..Your Majesty,

please put your hands together for tomorrow's star, Mr Melvin Odoon.

I can't...I can't go out there. I'm terrified. The Queen's out there.

Of course she is, you div.

This is the Royal Variety Performance.

You're just suffering from a bit of stage fright.

You will be perfectly all right once you're on.

CRASH!

MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

Oh, bum! AUDIENCE GASPS

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

SIREN SOUNDS

HELICOPTER WHIRRS

Ten years I got for that, and I've never set foot

on stage since, and every time I see a picture of her face, I...

Sorry about my little friend, Melvin.

Why don't you have a lie-down? I'll get rid of this numpty

-and his Queeny-face stamps. Come on, you.

-Ow! No! What you doing?

Get off me! Get off!

Hiya, guv, I've got some more post for you.

-Right.

-It's mostly junk mail.

And I've got a couple of bills.

Any sandwiches?

-HEAVENLY VOICE:

-You have nothing to fear from the Queen.

The Queen is a gentle soul.

The Queen is your friend.

You have nothing to fear from the Queen.

Look, I appreciate you trying to help, Hypno Chris the Hypnotist,

but it's just not working.

OK, Melv,

no worries.

Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

See you at the show.

All right, Mr Melvin? I heard you were feeling a little bit down,

so I thought this might cheer you up. Look - the Queen's in town!

Argh!

Here's that tenner I owe you, thanks very much for helping me out.

-I couldn't have done it without...

-Argh!

We were just passing. We'd like to use your toilet facilities.

You'd like to do what?!

You can get knotted, young man - this is a prison.

I do know that, sir. It is, I believe, Her Majesty's Prison.

FANFARE PLAYS

Oh, Her Majesty! You mean...that...

Oh, yes! Certainly yes, yes, Your Majesty, come in.

Open the door! Open the door!

Certainly. Come in, Your Majesty.

If you step this way, Your Majesty.

Very kind of you, Your Majesty. We're honoured... ..Shift!

The prison bogs will never be the same again, Your Majesty.

But if you could get a move on, we have a Freedom Show to put on.

HEARTBEAT SOUNDS

You?!

-BOTH:

-No...!

MUSIC: "Land Of Hope And Glory"

Cursed letters! When I think what could have happened!

Right, that's it. I knew I never liked it.

The pen pal scheme, it's over, it's banned, causing all this trouble,

and on the day of the Freedom Show.

Oh, Your Majesty, I can't apologise enough, I can't...

Thank you so very much, young man.

You saved my life!

Any time, Your Majesty.

Lay your hands on the Queen ever again and you're toast.

-But good job just this once.

-Oh, did someone mention "show"?

We do have our own theatrical extravaganza starting any time now.

The audience are on their way in, if one could interest one in staying.

That would be very nice.

Nice one, Queen. In that case...

-how do I look?

-Divine.

-Thank you very much.

Then it's a right royal show-time!

FANFARE PLAYS

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'welcome to HM Slammer

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Now, please welcome your host, presenting talent without measure

'at Her Majesty's pleasure, it's the Guv'nor!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, who's the Guv'nor?

-ALL:

-You're the Guv'nor!

What a great crowd we've got. Lock the doors, we want to keep this lot.

Marvellous. We've a very special

visitor here at The Slammer, Jailors and Jailbirds, over there.

-Say hello to Her Majesty.

-ALL:

-Hello,

Your Majesty!

She's waving, that's good.

Remember, you our guests will decide which of the performing prisoners

-will walk free at the end of The Slammer. Are you up for this?

-Yes!

You'd better be! Who's got a Hula Hoop?

One of those Hula Hoops?

Come on, have you got one?

I bet you've never seen Hula Hooping like this.

She's here doing three years in The Slammer for being the international

ringleader of a big circle of crime.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jailors and Jailbirds, will you please

welcome from D-wing the wonderful talents and skills of Jana Roberts!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Whoa, yeah!

# You can rock this land, baby

# Yeah!

# Like a shock to the system... #

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-There we are. Oh!

Oh, give her a big cheer, Jailors and Jailbirds, wonderful!

Marvellous!

-What did you think of her?

-Quite a spectacular act kicking off with.

What did you make of it, madam?

It was cool. I never saw something like that before.

-What about you, madam?

-I thought she was excellent.

I've never seen somebody do that and I couldn't do that ever.

-You couldn't, not with a bit of practice?

-No.

What did you think of Jana?

-She's good.

-Do you think I could do it?

No, you couldn't get it over your tummy!

-LAUGHTER

-Couldn't get it over me tummy?!

Mr Burgess, arrange a special cell!

-In a word, sir, that act?

-Excellent.

-Excellent, sir.

Will Jana Roberts be Hula Hooping her way out of The Slammer?

You will be deciding later with a clapometer.

Now on to a very unusual act

called a bodypopper - I think my body's already popped!

-LAUGHTER

-This bodypopper

is in D-wing. He's doing 18 months

for dropping a popper in front of a copper and coming a cropper.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jailors and Jailbirds, please give

a huge ovation for Salah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LULLABY PLAYS

BEEPING

WHIRRING MECHANICAL NOISES

-MECHANICAL VOICE:

-'Hello.'

WHIRRING MECHANICAL NOISES ACCOMPANY MOVEMENTS

# Boss, boss, boss... #

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC GETS FASTER

MUSIC SLOWS DOWN

MUSIC GRINDS TO A HALT

'Bye-bye!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! Come on, for Salah. A big round of applause! Wonderful!

-APPLAUSE

-Right, take him back,

put a new battery in him. What did you think of Salah?

-Right, sir.

-He thinks he's funny but he's not.

He thinks he's funny but he's not.

-You think we should keep him in here for a bit longer?

-Forever.

Bang him up, throw away the key, is that what you are saying, sir?

-Not that I'm putting words in your mouth. Is that what you think?

-Yeah.

-If he was a jelly, sir, what flavour would he be?

-Strawberry.

-Why?

Because he looks like it.

He looks like strawberry jelly?

-Interesting comment.

-What did you think of Salah the bodypopper?

Excellent. And he was real flexible and I would never do that.

Try a bit now with your arms, go on.

-I can't.

-I think that's worth a round of applause!

-APPLAUSE

-That was good, that.

-What about you, madam?

-I think he was very flexible and activ...

-And what, madam?

-And active.

-Active?

-Yeah.

-Flexible and active.

Could you sum him up for us in one word, madam?

-Wonderful.

-Wonderful. That's rather nice, that.

I quite like that, sir, wonderful.

Marvellous! We've got two more performing

prisoners to see, and then you decide who will walk free.

This next gentleman is an artist, a very special artist. He's here

in The Slammer serving two years for painting the town red - literally.

Make some noise, please, for the wonderful

artist and gentleman, Jon Hicks!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FAST FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A round of applause! What do you think, Jailors and Jailbirds?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It looks strangely familiar, doesn't it?

Look at that.

Well, what did you think of Jon Hicks? That's incredible.

An act with a difference. What did you make of that, young lady?

That was not quite what I expected - it could have been better.

-In what way could it have been better?

-Everybody can do paintings.

Oh, really(?)

And what's YOUR great masterpiece lurking on the mantelpiece(?)

-I've done lots.

-Yes, what,

-in the style of Gainsborough, Picasso, anything like that?

-Yeah.

-You do all that?

-I can do better than them.

I look forward to you winning the Turner Prize, madam(!)

LAUGHTER

What about you, madam?

Hats off to him - he's extremely marvellous.

I love the portrait he did of the Guv'nor.

Right. Do you think you could sum that act up with a face for me?

-That's what you think of him in a physical representation, is it?

-Yes.

What did you think of our artist in residence?

He is excellent, the way he paints that quick and how big he can draw.

-Yes. It was a great painting of me.

-Yeah.

-Especially as I'm so handsome, aren't I?

-No.

Could you sum it up for us in one word?

-Incredible.

-Incredible.

Well, marvellous - I'm going to keep that portrait.

One more performing prisoner to listen to,

and this young lady...what a singer.

She's got a criminal record, that's why she is in The Slammer. It's...

The Best Of The Cheeky Girls.

Boys and girls, Jailors and Jailbirds,

please give a huge ovation to the wonderful, the gorgeous Alesha!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Ooh, yeah!

# You got me feeling knockdown

# Yeah, yeah, yeah Whoa, whoa... #

Clap your hands, everybody!

Come on, let me see you!

We're in this one together, come on! Whoo!

# Hey! When I lay it all out on the table

# Don't know what is stopping me

# From feeling like I might be able to enjoy my own company

# Sitting up by my window

# Watching the summer rain

# The world goes by and I'm in it faster

# Than I can keep up with today

# Everybody in the place say, what now

# Your soul's feeling shot down luck's out

# But you gotta carry on speed it up now

# Wooh-wooh-wooh-wooh Oh, knockdown

# Everybody in the place say, what now

# Your soul's feeling shot down luck's out

# But you gotta carry on speed it up now

# Hey!

# Ooh, yeah, I got the feeling

# That something could happen now

# Yeah, I got the feeling that something

# Might happen inside my love now

# And have you ever asked why you feel like you've been here before?

# Cos only you have the power to carry on through that door

# Everybody in the place say, what now

# Your soul's feeling shot down luck's out

# But you gotta carry on speed it up now... #

Are you ready?

# So when you're up, don't get on up don't get on up, don't give it up

# Steady up, don't dig it up

# Whoa, when you're up don't dig it up, oh no... #

Oh!

Hey!

Are you ready?

Here we go now!

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Knockdown, everybody in the place say, what now #

# Your soul's feeling shot down luck's out

# But you gotta carry on speed it up now

# Well, I think I got this song all done

# Hey, I think I'm letting you know it, baby

# Life goes on

# You're fun it's all been OK

# Can't be so wrong

# You're gone, it's OK. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Take her back, and the dancers. Give her a big cheer, marvellous!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A knockdown but was she a knockout? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

What about you, sir?

She was fantastic and flexible.

Did you like the music? ..There's nothing wrong with being flexible!

Very fine quality. In a fight, Lily Allen or Alesha, who'd win?

-I'm not sure.

-You're not sure? Do you think she could take Lily Allen?

-Yes.

-You think Alesha would win in a fight?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-You all think that, do you?

-ALL:

-Yes!

-OK.

-Did you like Alesha?

It was the best so far and it will get my vote, and I'm her biggest fan.

-And her smile cheers me up.

-Her smile cheers you up.

For final word, madam, sum that up - one word, no more.

-Give her more than... Sorry, Officer!

-Excuse me!

-Sorry, Officer!

-Who's running this - me or you(?)

-You, Officer.

-Do you want to stay in here?

-No.

-Then keep it zipped.

-Sorry!

Absolutely super.

-Absolutely super?

-Yeah.

Two words, sir. Still can't count.

Right, Jailors and Jailbirds, and Your Majesty of course,

now we decide who will walk free from The Slammer.

Let's welcome them back, they've been marvellous.

Jana Roberts, Salah, Jon Hicks and Alesha!

-Come on, let's hear it for them.

-APPLAUSE

There they are. Yes, marvellous.

Four performing prisoners, but only one can walk free from The Slammer,

with the aid of this clapometer.

This will decide who will walk free. You will make lots of noise,

boys and girls, Jailors and Jailbirds, and Your Majesty,

if you feel like clapping along with one hand, you can.

Who's it going to be? First of all, you enjoyed her Hula Hooping,

but she will whooping with delight?

Let's find out as you show your

-appreciation for Jana Roberts!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Let's hear it for Jana.

Sounds like a good score. Let's go over to the clapometer.

92.5. Good opening score. Will she be going free?

Well, it's all up to you.

Now, we are on now to a very unusual act, a bodypopper.

He was very peculiar and very entertaining,

but will he be going free?

Show your appreciation and applause for Salah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

98.1. I think that means that Salah goes into the lead.

He could be bodypopping free.

Right, a very unusual artist and a marvellous portrait

of a very handsome man!

-LAUGHTER

-But will he be walking free?

Let's show your appreciation please

for the unusual talents and skills of Jon Hicks!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

For a portrait of the Guv'nor, Jon Hicks scores...

88.5. ..Never mind, Jon.

-I

-liked you. Marvellous.

Now, at the moment, walking free is Salah with 98.1.

We had one more performing prisoner to see and to hear,

so Jailors and Jailbirds, Your Majesty, please,

what did you think of Alesha?

RAUCOUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, I wonder if Alesha has done very well!

Let's have a look at the score.

-101.8!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Alesha, you are free to go! The Queen says you can go, Her Majesty.

Give her a big hand, take her away. The rest of you, back in the cells,

give them a round of applause. Alesha goes free.

Well, Jailors and Jailbirds, that's it.

Your Majesty... A big cheer for Her Majesty!

One is most amused.

Remember, from everyone here at The Slammer, if you can't sing, dance

or rhyme, don't do the crime.

We'll see you all next time on The Slammer!

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer, leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Step this way, Your Majesty.

Thank you so much for visiting The Slammer.

I was just thinking, "Sir Guv'nor" has a nice ring to it.

Ooh!

"Sir Guv'nor", no?

Sir, could you have a word?