Episode 6 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of instrument, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience bring them to The Slammer

# Polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make 'em cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

-# Leave The Slammer!

-It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Right, it's Hallowe'en

and as you all know, every year we try to scare Mr Burgess.

We haven't managed it yet, so we'll put our heads together.

Our heads are together, Uncle.

Why don't we get a big spider,

put it in his hat and wait for it to crawl down his face?

He'll be petrified!

We tried that last year. He just ate it.

Let's get Hairy Claire, the bearded lady, to wake him up.

It's a nice idea, Melv, but we tried that in 2003.

Have you ever seen Mr Burgess first thing in the morning?

SCREAMING

Poor love lost all her hair. She is working as a Matt Lucas lookalike.

Hi.

ALL: Hello.

I've got it. This will be the most frightening trick

-of all, but only if we are brave enough to carry it out.

-Go on, son.

Well, we put a little pink teddy bear in his pocket.

You great burk!

Let me at him!

SOUNDS OF FIGHTING

I've had a great idea.

This is what we'll do.

Flaming Hallowe'en. Dr Bunhead, it's your lucky day.

You've been chosen to perform one of your experiments on the Freedom Show.

Oh dear, oh dear.

Skeleton Crew. You've won the chance to perform for your freedom.

Move your bones, boys.

Penrose, look lively, we're going to be having a bit

of your magic on today's show, you could be going home tonight, lad.

Not bad.

Now then, Betty Curse.

How long have you been here now?

Five years, Mr Burgess.

Well, today could be your last day. Tune your instruments up, girls.

Two, three, four...

Yes, yes, very good, Tompkins.

Now back to your cell, lad.

How many more times?

You cannot scare me.

-Right, so does everyone know what to do?

-ALL: Yes.

Let's get cracking.

-How's it going, Titch?

-Excellent.

You are gonna look fantastic.

How are you doing Charlie Chimp?

Yeah, smashing, great.

I love sewing, me. I'm mad for it.

This is gonna be brilliant.

Right, look and learn.

Now, Gimbert, you have a go.

No, you're not doing it right.

That's it. Good.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ah, children, what do you two want?

BOTH: Trick or treat?

Trick or treat, eh?

I have a little treat for you. Close your eyes and hold out your hands.

Now, this here is a prison

and in this here prison, we treat people with this.

Have some porridge.

Now, then. What have you got to say about that, eh?

BOTH: Dad!

Ah. Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Will a fiver do it?

Thank you.

Melv, this plan is brilliant, good work.

Right, are we all ready? ALL: Yes.

Good, because it's almost show time.

Right, Hallowe'en or no Hallowe'en, this show will run like clockwork.

In five, four, three, two, one...

It's show time!

DRUM ROLL Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

where you will decide which prisoner will be deceased.

I mean, released.

So, please welcome your ghost, it's the Governor.

ZOMBIE GROANS

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh!

Zombies, flaming hundreds of them!

We've finally succeeded in scaring Mr Burgess on Hallowe'en.

THEY ALL CHEER

You can bring the lights up now, Jim.

The Freedom Show starts in five minutes. Get up now, Frank.

Frank!

-This doesn't look good, Gov.

-What very have we done?

We've frightened him to death!

Oh, Frank, it was just a joke. Frank, Frank! FRANK!

Can I help you, sir?

Are you all right? Sorry I'm late, only I had to go to the dentist.

Thanks, Mum.

Any time, son, always happy to help out my little Frankie boy.

Mum!

Come on, Gov, we've a Freedom Show to put on.

Oh, come on now, sir, that was just my little joke.

My old mum helping me out.

Maybe you should try to

stop scaring me and let that be a lesson for you.

Come on, sir, we've got a show to do.

All right, all right, It is me own fault.

After all, the show must go on.

How do I look? ALL: Er... Divine?

Thank you very much. In that case,

it's show time!

THEY HOWL

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer, where you decide which

prisoner will be released.

Please welcome your host.

Scream and shout or he won't let you out, it's the Governor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who's the Governor?

-ALL: You're the Governor.

Oh, it's a spooky show today. Do you like my little friend?

-Hello, Batty!

-Hello, Batty!

-You can have Batty there.

There we are. Lovely. It is all very scary today in The Slammer.

Let's have a ghostly wail.

-WOO-OO-OO!

-Let's have a witches cackle.

THEY ALL CACKLE

Let's have a scary scream. THEY ALL SCREAM LOUDLY

That is a scary scream. That scared all the ghosties away.

We have some marvellous performing prisoners as well.

You're gonna decide which one gets out of the haunted Slammer today.

-Are you up for it?

-YES!

We've got a scary bunch called the Skeleton Crew.

-WOO-OO-OO!

-We've got a marvellous magician doing very scary magic

called Scott Penrose!

-WOO-OO-OO!

-And a marvellous pop singer

and her band called Betty Curse.

-WOO-OO-OO!

-It's time to shake off the cobwebs, jailers and jailbirds,

because we've got a nutty professor, and he's serving three years in the

Slammer for performing Ring Of Fire with his Bunsen burner.

Jailers and jailbirds, boys and girls, please welcome, Dr Bunhead.

Hello, hello.

Since it was Hallowe'en, I thought I would do something a bit spooky.

So I have here two spooky chemicals

this one looks like water but it's not water.

This one looks a bit like wee-wee.

But, as we all know, it's not really wee-wee.

It is, in fact, alien's wee-wee.

Let's turn the lights down and

see what happens when we mix them together.

There we go.

ALL: Wow.

Look at that.

And now you know why aliens never need to turn the light on when

they wee in the dark, they have glow-in-the-dark wee.

They use cool chemicals like that, to make things like glow sticks

like this. You can have all sorts of different colours.

Now, this is a glow stick.

To set this baby off, I need to set fire to it.

It's a bit dangerous, so I'm not actually going to do it.

-ALL: Aw!

-I'm not risking my life just to entertain you.

Instead I will risk one of your lives. What I need is a volunteer.

Before you put your hands up I need someone brave, someone fearless.

Here we go, would you like to

come up? A big round of applause for our volunteer.

What is your name?

-Isabel.

-Isabel,

put on your laboratory equipment.

Pop on your lab coat and I would like you then to put on

the Head Shield Of Impending Doom.

Now, this is our glow stick trump tube?

Why is it called that? We're going to find out.

Let's light the tube.

What I want to you do, on five,

is to put that big flame at the top.

If you can stand here. Here we go.

Five, oh...

Four, three, two, one. Go!

-Wow!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're wondering why it's called the trump tube?

It's because it makes a noise like a trump.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Isabel. Thank you.

Thank you. Cheerio!

There we are, jailers and jailbirds. What did you think of Dr Bunhead?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Right, Bunhead or bumhead. Over to you?

I thought it was fun, exciting, fascinating, dangerous and the

-big bang, it really made my heart miss a beat.

-It did. Right, I see.

-What did you think of Dr Bunhead.

-He's an idiot, isn't he?

Do you wanna have a fight with him?

I take that back.

What was the best thing about about Dr Bunhead's act?

-The big trump.

-Could you do a big trump?

I could try.

Madam, could you sum that act up for us, in one simple word?

-Brilliant.

-Brilliant.

On to our next performing prisoners.

They're the Skeleton Crew.

They're serving

five years in The Slammer for not turning up at a theatre.

They didn't have the guts.

Will you give a big round

of applause and lots of noise, spooky noise, for the Skeleton Crew.

Hey, numbskulls, thanks for the visit and welcome to our world.

You know, on the outside we all look and sound very different, but

underneath we're the same. Everybody shake their bones!

-Come on!

-# Nah, nah, nah nah nah...

# Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...

# I spoke to my creator You know what he said to me?

# He said Music wraps us all together

# In one big family

# With that kind of education How can we go wrong?

# Serial types, big deals and hypes, We're singing the skeleton song

# So give us some skin!

# Hey, you, we're the Skeleton Crew.

# We're going to get you all to jump

# Hey, you, we're the Skeleton Crew, we're gonna show you how to dance,

how to get you in the groove.

HAUNTING LAUGHTER

# People see right through us

# We are very different Even if we're all the same

# Hey, you, we're the Skeleton Crew

# We're gonna get you all to jump

# Hey, you, we're the Skeleton Crew Going to show you how to dance

# Gonna get you in the groove

Come on numbskulls, I want to see you shake your bones as you come alive!

You're on, man, we gotta get going. We've gotta go.

We've got to live life to the full!

# Hey you, we're the Skeleton Crew, We're gonna you all to jump

# Hey, you, we're the Skeleton Crew, we're going to teach you to dance

# Gonna get you in the groove. #

APPLAUSE

Come on, let's hear it for them.

Three cheers everyone. The Skeleton Crew.

I wonder if they've ever performed with Boney M.

What do you think?

Well, sir, the Skeleton Crew, were they bone to be set free?

Never mind let's have your comments.

I thought it was very spooky and cool and rocking.

Your opinion on the Skeleton Crew?

I thought it was ridiculous. The guitarist couldn't play properly.

He's a skeleton, course he can't play properly.

Exactly. That's my point.

I think it was the best so far. I give it 10 out of 10.

You think that was better than Dr Bunhead?

-Yeah.

-The Skeleton Crew. Daddy or chips?

-Chips.

-Chips, sir.

Will the Skeleton Crew go through the gates of The Slammer at the end?

You will decide, jailers and jailbirds.

On to our next performing prisoners.

Jailers and jailbirds, please make lots of noise for the magical magic

of Scott Penrose and Aila.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Beautiful girl, lovely dress

# High school smiles, all the rest

# Beautiful girl, lovely dress

# Where she is now, I can only guess

# It's gone, daddy gone, the love is gone, it's gone, daddy gone

# The love is gone, it's gone, daddy gone, the love is gone

# It's gone daddy gone, The love is gone away

# When I see you, my eyes will turn blue

# When I see you a thousand eyes turning blue

-# It's gone, daddy gone, the love is gone, it's gone, daddy gone

# The love is gone, it's gone, daddy gone, the love is gone

# It's gone, daddy gone, the love is gone away

# I can tell by the way that you switch and walk

# And I can see by the way that you maybe talk

# And I can know by the way that you treat your man

# I can love you, baby

# It's gone, daddy gone, the love is gone, it's gone, daddy gone...

APPLAUSE

# It's gone, daddy gone, the love is gone away

# Beautiful girl, lovely dress

# Beautiful smile, oh yes

# Beautiful girl, lovely dress

# Where she is now I can only guess

# It's gone, daddy gone, the love is gone, it's gone, daddy gone...

# The love is gone, it's gone, daddy gone, the love is gone

# It's gone, daddy gone, the love is gone away

# Gone away

# Gone away

# Gone away... #

APPLAUSE

There we are. Yes, give them a round of applause, boys and girls.

APPLAUSE There we are, jailers and jailbirds.

That's Scott Penrose and Aila. I will have to try that with Mrs Governor,

she's always trying to lose weight. What did you lot think?

Well, how did they do that?

No, son, I keep hold of that, not you.

Well, I thought it was very good, but the trick wasn't that exciting.

Oh, the trick wasn't that exciting.

-Can you do it?

-No, but I didn't really believe she was cut in half.

-What about you?

-I liked it.

I thought it was the best one so far.

It was very weird because you couldn't really saw a lady in half.

-You're not gonna go home and try this with your mum, are you?

-Maybe.

-What about you, sir?

-It was good, but it could have been better.

-Would you go for one of the other two acts?

-Yeah.

Which one would you go for so far?

The Skeleton Crew.

Who else thinks that at the moment?

Interesting. A good show of hands.

What about you, Scott Penrose, sawing a lady in half.

I thought it was very talented,

but weird.

Talented, but weird.

-A bit like you, isn't it?

-No.

-LAUGHTER

And in one word, madam, sum that act up for us?

-Um, scary.

-Scary. Scary then.

Right, just one more incarcerated act to see and then you will decide

who'll be walking free from the The Slammer on this spooky show.

Give us a werewolf howl? THEY HOWL

Please, raise the roof jailers and jailbirds for Betty Curse.

APPLAUSE

# Been trying to get to heaven

# Since she was 11

# The girl with yellow hair, who said she never really wanted to go to school, go to school

# The girl with yellow hair, who said she never really wanted to go to school, go to school

# Break the rules

-# Been trying to get to heaven

-Been trying to get to heaven

-# Since she was 11

-Since she was 11

# The girl with yellow hair who stayed in bed and never wanted to go to work, go to work

-# The girl with yellow hair who stayed in bed and never needed to go to work, go to work

# Won't go to work!

# She's the girl who could help the world

# But she just ignores you

# She's the girl who can help the world

# But she just ignores it

-# Been trying to get to heaven

-Been trying to get to heaven

-# Since she was 11

-Since she was 11

-# Been trying to get to heaven

-Been trying to get to heaven

-# Since she was 11

-Since she was 11

# The girl with yellow hair who said she never really wanted to go to school, go to school

# The girl with yellow hair who stayed in bed and never wanted to go to work, go to work

# The girl with yellow hair who said she never really wanted to get out of bed

# And get dressed to go to school. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There they are.

What did you think of Betty Curse?

I think it was right up Mr Burgess' street.

Right, madam. Just noise?

-No.

-What did you think then?

They were brilliant.

Well when they find a word that's better than brilliant

that's how I thought.

-Could you invent that word for us now?

-Trib.

-Trib.

-Trrrrr!

Add another syllable.

-Er.

-Triber. Another word for brilliant there.

-How many points would you give Betty Curse?

-10.5.

-Did you think she was cute?

-No.

-Did it rock?

-Yeah.

-How do you rock when you rock out?

Give us a bit of rocking out.

He's rocking out.

Can you rock out for me, please?

There you are Mr Burgess, rocking out.

And for a final word, madam, sum that act up.

-Excellent.

-Excellent, or triber, was it?

-Give it to us again?

-Triber.

Right my fans, now is the moment when you decide who

will walk free from the The Slammer with the aid of the Clapometer.

You will decide who will go free by making loads of noise.

Let's start off by welcoming them all back.

Dr Bunhead, the Skeleton Crew, Scott Penrose and Aila and Betty Curse.

Oh, what a spooky lot. CHEERING

Madness. Come on, let's be having you.

There they are.

Now, jailers and jailbirds, I will ask each act to step forward,

and you will then shout and clap and cheer.

The highest score, they go free.

It's not rocket science. And speaking of rocket science,

he was the first one up, show your appreciation for Dr Bunhead.

APPLAUSE

Let's have a look at the score for Dr Bunhead. 95.1.

A good score.

But now we have another act to see.

The Skeleton Crew! APPLAUSE

Let's see what the score was? 95.9.

That means they're in the lead and could be making their way

through the gates. Right, next we saw a wonderful magic act.

Yes, chopping a lady in half.

Don't ever try that at home.

You can try it at The Slammer as we had Scott Penrose and Aila.

APPLAUSE

Right, Scott Penrose and Aila, let's see

what the lady and the magician scored on the old clapometer.

86.1.

They're gonna be staying for supper here,

but we've one more performing prisoner,

show some noise, please, for Betty Curse.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

That means Betty Curse, you and your band are free to go. Give them a big hand there.

They are free, they are free.

The rest of you, I'm afraid, it's back to the cells.

Give them a big cheer as they go back to their cells.

They'll have to wait for another week.

And so will we, ta ta everyone, ta, ta.

# It's the only way you're ever going to leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Frank, congratulations, no-one can scare you.

Now, we have some new inmates at The Slammer, would you mind taking them

-up to the cells?

-Absolutely, Sir.

BOTH: Hi, we are the Cheeky Girls.

Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!