Episode 1 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time

# Every type of instrument Entertainment and artiste

# Performing to the limit To try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer! #

..Would have been killed if it wasn't for his tiny moustache.

Prison news now. Tap-dancing legend Lionel Blair

has been sentenced to ten years in showbiz prison The Slammer,

for doing the foxtrot in a chicken coop.

The entertainer was led from Southampton Magistrates' Court

amid chaotic scenes.

This is a spectacular fall from grace for Blair,

who is considered to be Britain's greatest tap-dancer.

Watch the hair!

Of all time. Ever.

MUSIC STING

MUSIC STING Lionel Blair! Yes!

You're top of our Most Wanted List. Nice to be wanted, Chubby Chops.

Let's get your mug shot done.

Oh, I don't think that smile is suitable, do you, Lionel? Sorry.

Ah, that's much better!

There we are. You're too late to be in this week's Freedom Show,

but the line-up is cracking.

I've chosen Russian Bar...

Gamarjobat...

Black Room Jackson...

And Attila Endresz.

I'm sure your chance will come one day soon. Wicked.

Lionel, I'm quite a fan.

Would you mind showing me some of your famous tap-dancing steps? Oh.

Er... Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.

The trouble is, it's the... The carpet.

It's far too brown.

Too brown?! What are you, lad, some kind of comedian?

No, Mr Burgess, he's a tap dancer. Shut up.

Now don't get smart with us, lad.

I know all about tap-dancing.

I've won an award.

Wasn't that the one you got for being the biggest sap-head?

How did you know that?

There's something strange about you, and I'm not talking about the tap.

I'm sure you can do a little tap dance for us in this 'ere office.

Yes. I couldn't possibly. You see... It's my thumb.

I hurt it. Peeling a tangerine.

I think I'll make you Peter Noccio's new cellmate. Yes.

He's going to be so happy.

I'm not so sure about that, sir.

Look at him. He's been moping about like that for months.

Ever since his last cellmate, Melvin O'Doom, was released.

He's not been eating properly either.

Look Peter, I know it's hard, but Melvin's not coming back.

You've got a new cellmate now. He's a tap-dance legend.

It'll be great! So, we'll leave you to get to know Mr Noccio.

And all his little imaginary friends.

Peter! Good to see ya!

I mean...very pleased to meet you.

Oh, we're going to have such fun!

MUSIC STING

What shall we do first? Bring back Melvin! BRING BACK MELVIN!

All right, cellmate-y mate?

Are you ignoring me?

Those are Melvin's CDs.

Chico! A man with great taste.

It's Chico time!

You obviously don't know him.

Hang on! You're wearing Melvin's clothes!

There's a reason why I'm wearing Melvin's clothes.

You're copying him because you want to replace him but you never will!

No no no! Lionel, Lionel!

Come with me to the stage.

Mr Burgess has invoked... Section 12 of the Slammer Act!

Section 12! You're in for it now, Lionel Blair!

What's Section 12? Section 12.

Lionel Tarquin Montague Evelyn Blair.

You know what this is, lads? A finger.

Don't get smart. Section 12.

Dance Club.

There's only two rules to Dance Club.

The first rule of Dance Club is...

You must dance.

The second rule of Dance Club is...

no fizzy drinks near the stage.

Now. If you lose, you get another ten years in this 'ere Slammer.

If you win, you get this rather lovely Teasmade.

And who said I ain't fair?!

One! Two! A-one two three four!

MUSIC STARTS

Ha-ha!

Aaaaargh! CLATTER

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Looks like another ten years in The Slammer for you, Mr Blair.

A-ha-ha! Fantastic! Wicked! It's just what I wanted!

You see, there's really a reason I can't dance as well as Lionel Blair.

It's because I'm...

Melvin! # Don't stop till you get enough! #

Melvin! Melvin!

O'Doom!

I pretended to be Lionel Blair to get back in here.

I missed this place, I missed my friends.

I read about Lionel in the paper, and...

Er... Took his place.

Hold on a minute. If you're 'ere...

then where's the real Lionel Blair?

Where's The Slammer?! Does anyone know where The Slammer is?

Melvin, I've got two things to say to you.

Firstly, badly impersonating a tap-dance legend.

You realise, we've no choice but to keep you in here.

And secondly, it's great to have you back, son!

This hardly seems fair, sir, it's exactly what he wanted.

So I've taken the liberty of drawing up a few extra punishments

for O'Doom. Just a few of my little specialities.

Drink a glass of dirty dog-juice every morning? Oh yeah.

Harsh but fair, Mr B! BUZZER

Now, the audience are in, so...how do I look?

ALL: Fine. Thank you very much.

In that case...

It's showtime!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner will be released!

Now please welcome your host -

he puts the rinky-dink-dink into the clink -

please welcome the Governor!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Who's the Governor? AUDIENCE: You're the Governor!

Welcome to The Slammer,

where we've got some fantastic performing prisoners for you.

We have got a wonderful act, a unicyclist called Attila Andresz!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

We've got a marvellous act called Black Room Jackson,

very mysterious. AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Then some performing prisoners called Russian Bar.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Right now, let's get on and meet our first performing prisoner act.

They're all the way from Japan,

and they're serving three years in the Davro wing

for thinking I was a sumo wrestler. Cheek.

Please give a big round of applause, film fans, to Gamarjobat!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Showtime, ladies and gentlemen.

MUSIC

Let's go.

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

No?

LAUGHTER

HE GRUNTS

Ohhh!

Wah!

Bye!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Wah!

WHEE!

CRASH!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

What did you think of Gamarjobat? Over to Mr Burgess's side first.

What did you think, Miss? I think it was fantastic

because on the escalator it was funny.

How would you describe the act for us? I found it hilarious.

Especially when one stood on one side and they punched each other.

But if you take the wall away... No, no! Don't give away any secrets!

And you? It was funky and brilliant. I liked the ball act.

Can you speak Japanese? No. I can.

I know the Japanese word for a baby's nappy.

A-sack-a-poo-poo. LAUGHTER

Could you sum that up in just one word for us, Miss? Excellent.

"Excellent," Sir! Makes you proud to be British.

Will Gamarjobat take the walk of freedom? It's too early to say.

The next performing prisoner -

what a performing prisoner. He's a real high flyer!

He's a unicyclist whose unicycle is nine-foot high.

Give me an "Ooh!" ALL: Ooh!

Right, that's another punishment done.

"Clean the toilets using this special toilet brush!"

Jailers and jailbirds, felon fans, please raise the roof of the Slammer

for Attila Endresz! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING

THEY SCREAM

CHEERING

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Attila Endresz. What did you think?

Sensational! Give him a big hand!

Well, what did you think of him?

Could you hold that! Do you know who this is?

HE SCREAMS

Em... That was you sat next to her, watching that!

What did you think? Magnificent and definitely will get my vote today.

You've done a drawing? Yeah. Let's have a look.

It's not very good. Very good drawing, very good.

Would you say the first act is slightly ahead at the moment?

MURMURS

SOME SHOUT LOUDLY

All right! Settle down. This gentlemen said it was superior.

The first act was superior that one? Yes. Why?

Because they did a whole lot more than just going up a load of ramps!

"They did a whole lot more than just going up a load of ramps!"

Right then, young man, sum that act up in just one word.

Freaky. Freaky, Sir!

Now another performing prisoner.

This next act is very unusual -

they perform in the dark.

They're serving five years in the Slammer

for not paying their electricity bill.

Will you please make

loads and loads of noise and cheers for Black Room Jackson!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

SMASH!

MUSIC: "Jam" by Michael Jackson

# Times and tears for fears

# We must live each day like it's the last

# Go with it Go with it. Jam!

# It ain't too much to... Jam!

# It ain't too much It ain't too much for me to

# It ain't too much for me to It ain't too much for me

# Jam!

# Ah-ha jam!

# It ain't too much Jam!

# It ain't too much It ain't too much for me to

# Jam!

# It ain't It ain't too much

# Don't you It ain't too much for me to... #

RAP: Jam jam Here comes the man

Hot damn The big boy stands

Movin' up a hand Makin' funky tracks

With my man Michael Jackson

Smooth Criminal That's the man

Mike's so relaxed Mingle mingle jingle...

# Jam! Get on it

# Give it, baby

# Give it to me

# You just want to give it. Jam! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

EVIL LAUGH

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wahey, give them a big cheer, there they are!

My word... What a sensational act! I thought of a song they could do -

"I Ain't Got No Body!"

What did YOU think of Black Room Jackson? Did you like the routine?

Yes. The music? Yes. Choreography? That was good. What about the shoes?

Did you like the hat? Yes. What about the gloves? Were they integral? Yes.

Did you like the orange hat, Miss? Yes. Good. And you,

did you like them? I liked it when the man exploded as well.

And you've drawn a picture, is that of the actor? Yeah.

You've given him a score of 9? out of ten, very good. Right...

I'd like that act summed up in one word by YOU, young man. Fantastic!

Fantastic, sir! Wow, what tremendous performing prisoners we've got here!

Are you enjoying them, boys and girls, yeah? ALL: YES!

Right, one punishment left...

Run across the stage with some pants on my head?!

Well, if that's what he wants.

..Then you will decide who's going free...

# Don't stop till you get enough... # Hang on...

Yes.

'Just look at that idiot,

'running about with those big,

'floppy pants on his head. Ha-ha!

'Hold on, they're my pants!'

HE SHOUTS ANGRILY

MUSIC STOPS Oh, I don't know.

As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted,

one more act to see. This act are from Russia. Very unusual.

They're doing four years here

for escaping from the last prison they were in. You'll see why,

cos they went over the wall... Give it all up for Russian Bar!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DANCE MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ah, brilliant!

Russian Bar! Let's hear it for Russian Bar!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow! Wow!

What did you think of them? Mr Burgess... Budge up, Miss.

Ah... Now, Miss, do you ever think the day's been a bit long and hard,

you get very tired and want to go home for your dinner with Marjorie?

I don't know. Oh, all right then. What was the best bit

in the whole performance? Well, when the lady actually...

jumped up and she just did the backflip. Yeah.

So, I liked that really a lot. What about you, sir? I thought it was

1,000 out of 1,000. That's one of the highest scores we've had.

Are they getting your vote? Definitely. They should go free?

Oh, yeah. They're better than anything else you've seen so far?

Yep...by a big margin. Does the audience agree with that? YES!

You've never seen that act before, describe them. They were fabulous...

Yes. ..because when they did the flips, it was brilliant.

In a final word, sum that act up...

for us. Flabbergastic. Flabbergastic, sir! Thank you for your thoughts

on Russian Bar. It's time to decide who takes the walk of freedom,

so let's welcome them all back, please - Gamarjobat...

Attila Endresz...

Black Room Jackson...

and Russian Bar! Give them a big round of applause, everybody!

There they are...all looking tremendous. Weren't they wonderful?

But only one act can be released from The Slammer today,

and you will decide with this - Gimbert's all-new clapometer.

Bigger and better. The more noise you make,

the higher the score. It goes to a top possible score of 100.

So, it's up to you. Well, the first act you saw were marvellous.

Will they go free? Let's see, as you make some noise for Gamarjobat!

LOUD CHEERING

Oh...

Wow! There they are, a wonderful score.

89.2 for Gamarjobat! Very good indeed. Wonderful.

Well, that's a marvellous score, but on his unicycle,

will you please give some appreciation for...

Attila Endresz! LOUD CHEERING

Ooh... Oh, 84, not a bad score, but second place at the moment.

Still in the lead, it's Gamarjobat. Very unusual acts on The Slammer

this week, and this was no exception. Let's hear it for

Black Room Jackson! LOUD CHEERING

84.8. Still just in the lead,

it's Gamarjobat. Will they be pipped at the post? Who knows.

They came all the way from Russia, they went high,

will they go high in the scores? Give your appreciation for

Russian Bar! CHEERING

Oh! Let's have a look... A sensational score there

from Russian Bar. But still in the lead,

the winners, with 89.2, and going free, it's Gamarjobat!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE They're free to go! Free to go!

Take them away - Gamarjobat! You're free to leave The Slammer.

Give them a round of applause! Off you go, lads.

The rest of them - well done, everybody, tremendous!

That's it from The Slammer. From all the gang here,

see you again soon. Bye, everybody! Bye-bye!

Hi, I'm the new inmate.

I was kidnapped on my way here...

I'm Lionel Blair! Yeah, yeah, very funny.

..It's another one.

Hop it! Before I have you arrested.

Oh!