Episode 1 The Slammer


Episode 1

Children's entertainment show in which comedians enter a mock prison. The prison showcases variety performances from the acts locked inside, with celebrity guest Lionel Blair.


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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time

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# Every type of instrument Entertainment and artiste

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# Performing to the limit To try and get released

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# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer! #

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..Would have been killed if it wasn't for his tiny moustache.

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Prison news now. Tap-dancing legend Lionel Blair

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has been sentenced to ten years in showbiz prison The Slammer,

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for doing the foxtrot in a chicken coop.

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The entertainer was led from Southampton Magistrates' Court

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amid chaotic scenes.

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This is a spectacular fall from grace for Blair,

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who is considered to be Britain's greatest tap-dancer.

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Watch the hair!

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Of all time. Ever.

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MUSIC STING

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MUSIC STING Lionel Blair! Yes!

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You're top of our Most Wanted List. Nice to be wanted, Chubby Chops.

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Let's get your mug shot done.

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Oh, I don't think that smile is suitable, do you, Lionel? Sorry.

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Ah, that's much better!

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There we are. You're too late to be in this week's Freedom Show,

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but the line-up is cracking.

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I've chosen Russian Bar...

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Gamarjobat...

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Black Room Jackson...

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And Attila Endresz.

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I'm sure your chance will come one day soon. Wicked.

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Lionel, I'm quite a fan.

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Would you mind showing me some of your famous tap-dancing steps? Oh.

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Er... Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.

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The trouble is, it's the... The carpet.

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It's far too brown.

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Too brown?! What are you, lad, some kind of comedian?

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No, Mr Burgess, he's a tap dancer. Shut up.

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Now don't get smart with us, lad.

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I know all about tap-dancing.

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I've won an award.

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Wasn't that the one you got for being the biggest sap-head?

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How did you know that?

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There's something strange about you, and I'm not talking about the tap.

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I'm sure you can do a little tap dance for us in this 'ere office.

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Yes. I couldn't possibly. You see... It's my thumb.

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I hurt it. Peeling a tangerine.

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I think I'll make you Peter Noccio's new cellmate. Yes.

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He's going to be so happy.

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I'm not so sure about that, sir.

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Look at him. He's been moping about like that for months.

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Ever since his last cellmate, Melvin O'Doom, was released.

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He's not been eating properly either.

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Look Peter, I know it's hard, but Melvin's not coming back.

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You've got a new cellmate now. He's a tap-dance legend.

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It'll be great! So, we'll leave you to get to know Mr Noccio.

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And all his little imaginary friends.

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Peter! Good to see ya!

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I mean...very pleased to meet you.

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Oh, we're going to have such fun!

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MUSIC STING

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What shall we do first? Bring back Melvin! BRING BACK MELVIN!

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All right, cellmate-y mate?

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Are you ignoring me?

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Those are Melvin's CDs.

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Chico! A man with great taste.

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It's Chico time!

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You obviously don't know him.

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Hang on! You're wearing Melvin's clothes!

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There's a reason why I'm wearing Melvin's clothes.

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You're copying him because you want to replace him but you never will!

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No no no! Lionel, Lionel!

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Come with me to the stage.

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Mr Burgess has invoked... Section 12 of the Slammer Act!

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Section 12! You're in for it now, Lionel Blair!

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What's Section 12? Section 12.

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Lionel Tarquin Montague Evelyn Blair.

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You know what this is, lads? A finger.

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Don't get smart. Section 12.

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Dance Club.

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There's only two rules to Dance Club.

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The first rule of Dance Club is...

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You must dance.

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The second rule of Dance Club is...

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no fizzy drinks near the stage.

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Now. If you lose, you get another ten years in this 'ere Slammer.

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If you win, you get this rather lovely Teasmade.

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And who said I ain't fair?!

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One! Two! A-one two three four!

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MUSIC STARTS

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Ha-ha!

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Aaaaargh! CLATTER

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Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

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Looks like another ten years in The Slammer for you, Mr Blair.

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A-ha-ha! Fantastic! Wicked! It's just what I wanted!

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You see, there's really a reason I can't dance as well as Lionel Blair.

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It's because I'm...

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Melvin! # Don't stop till you get enough! #

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Melvin! Melvin!

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O'Doom!

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I pretended to be Lionel Blair to get back in here.

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I missed this place, I missed my friends.

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I read about Lionel in the paper, and...

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Er... Took his place.

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Hold on a minute. If you're 'ere...

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then where's the real Lionel Blair?

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Where's The Slammer?! Does anyone know where The Slammer is?

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Melvin, I've got two things to say to you.

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Firstly, badly impersonating a tap-dance legend.

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You realise, we've no choice but to keep you in here.

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And secondly, it's great to have you back, son!

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This hardly seems fair, sir, it's exactly what he wanted.

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So I've taken the liberty of drawing up a few extra punishments

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for O'Doom. Just a few of my little specialities.

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Drink a glass of dirty dog-juice every morning? Oh yeah.

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Harsh but fair, Mr B! BUZZER

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Now, the audience are in, so...how do I look?

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ALL: Fine. Thank you very much.

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In that case...

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It's showtime!

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

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where you decide which prisoner will be released!

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Now please welcome your host -

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he puts the rinky-dink-dink into the clink -

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please welcome the Governor!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

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Who's the Governor? AUDIENCE: You're the Governor!

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Welcome to The Slammer,

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where we've got some fantastic performing prisoners for you.

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We have got a wonderful act, a unicyclist called Attila Andresz!

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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We've got a marvellous act called Black Room Jackson,

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very mysterious. AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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Then some performing prisoners called Russian Bar.

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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Right now, let's get on and meet our first performing prisoner act.

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They're all the way from Japan,

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and they're serving three years in the Davro wing

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for thinking I was a sumo wrestler. Cheek.

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Please give a big round of applause, film fans, to Gamarjobat!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

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Showtime, ladies and gentlemen.

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MUSIC

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Let's go.

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APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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No?

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LAUGHTER

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HE GRUNTS

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Ohhh!

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Wah!

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Bye!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Wah!

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WHEE!

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CRASH!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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What did you think of Gamarjobat? Over to Mr Burgess's side first.

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What did you think, Miss? I think it was fantastic

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because on the escalator it was funny.

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How would you describe the act for us? I found it hilarious.

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Especially when one stood on one side and they punched each other.

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But if you take the wall away... No, no! Don't give away any secrets!

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And you? It was funky and brilliant. I liked the ball act.

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Can you speak Japanese? No. I can.

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I know the Japanese word for a baby's nappy.

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A-sack-a-poo-poo. LAUGHTER

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Could you sum that up in just one word for us, Miss? Excellent.

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"Excellent," Sir! Makes you proud to be British.

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Will Gamarjobat take the walk of freedom? It's too early to say.

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The next performing prisoner -

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what a performing prisoner. He's a real high flyer!

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He's a unicyclist whose unicycle is nine-foot high.

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Give me an "Ooh!" ALL: Ooh!

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Right, that's another punishment done.

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"Clean the toilets using this special toilet brush!"

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Jailers and jailbirds, felon fans, please raise the roof of the Slammer

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for Attila Endresz! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

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CHEERING

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THEY SCREAM

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CHEERING

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AUDIENCE SCREAMS

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Attila Endresz. What did you think?

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Sensational! Give him a big hand!

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Well, what did you think of him?

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Could you hold that! Do you know who this is?

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HE SCREAMS

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Em... That was you sat next to her, watching that!

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What did you think? Magnificent and definitely will get my vote today.

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You've done a drawing? Yeah. Let's have a look.

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It's not very good. Very good drawing, very good.

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Would you say the first act is slightly ahead at the moment?

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MURMURS

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SOME SHOUT LOUDLY

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All right! Settle down. This gentlemen said it was superior.

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The first act was superior that one? Yes. Why?

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Because they did a whole lot more than just going up a load of ramps!

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"They did a whole lot more than just going up a load of ramps!"

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Right then, young man, sum that act up in just one word.

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Freaky. Freaky, Sir!

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Now another performing prisoner.

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This next act is very unusual -

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they perform in the dark.

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They're serving five years in the Slammer

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for not paying their electricity bill.

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Will you please make

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loads and loads of noise and cheers for Black Room Jackson!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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SMASH!

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MUSIC: "Jam" by Michael Jackson

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# Times and tears for fears

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# We must live each day like it's the last

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# Go with it Go with it. Jam!

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# It ain't too much to... Jam!

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# It ain't too much It ain't too much for me to

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# It ain't too much for me to It ain't too much for me

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# Jam!

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# Ah-ha jam!

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# It ain't too much Jam!

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# It ain't too much It ain't too much for me to

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# Jam!

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# It ain't It ain't too much

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# Don't you It ain't too much for me to... #

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RAP: Jam jam Here comes the man

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Hot damn The big boy stands

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Movin' up a hand Makin' funky tracks

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With my man Michael Jackson

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Smooth Criminal That's the man

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Mike's so relaxed Mingle mingle jingle...

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# Jam! Get on it

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# Give it, baby

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# Give it to me

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# You just want to give it. Jam! #

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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EVIL LAUGH

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Wahey, give them a big cheer, there they are!

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My word... What a sensational act! I thought of a song they could do -

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"I Ain't Got No Body!"

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What did YOU think of Black Room Jackson? Did you like the routine?

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Yes. The music? Yes. Choreography? That was good. What about the shoes?

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Did you like the hat? Yes. What about the gloves? Were they integral? Yes.

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Did you like the orange hat, Miss? Yes. Good. And you,

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did you like them? I liked it when the man exploded as well.

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And you've drawn a picture, is that of the actor? Yeah.

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You've given him a score of 9? out of ten, very good. Right...

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I'd like that act summed up in one word by YOU, young man. Fantastic!

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Fantastic, sir! Wow, what tremendous performing prisoners we've got here!

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Are you enjoying them, boys and girls, yeah? ALL: YES!

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Right, one punishment left...

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Run across the stage with some pants on my head?!

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Well, if that's what he wants.

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..Then you will decide who's going free...

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# Don't stop till you get enough... # Hang on...

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Yes.

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'Just look at that idiot,

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'running about with those big,

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'floppy pants on his head. Ha-ha!

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'Hold on, they're my pants!'

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HE SHOUTS ANGRILY

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MUSIC STOPS Oh, I don't know.

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As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted,

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one more act to see. This act are from Russia. Very unusual.

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They're doing four years here

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for escaping from the last prison they were in. You'll see why,

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cos they went over the wall... Give it all up for Russian Bar!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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DANCE MUSIC

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ah, brilliant!

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Russian Bar! Let's hear it for Russian Bar!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow! Wow!

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What did you think of them? Mr Burgess... Budge up, Miss.

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Ah... Now, Miss, do you ever think the day's been a bit long and hard,

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you get very tired and want to go home for your dinner with Marjorie?

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I don't know. Oh, all right then. What was the best bit

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in the whole performance? Well, when the lady actually...

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jumped up and she just did the backflip. Yeah.

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So, I liked that really a lot. What about you, sir? I thought it was

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1,000 out of 1,000. That's one of the highest scores we've had.

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Are they getting your vote? Definitely. They should go free?

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Oh, yeah. They're better than anything else you've seen so far?

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Yep...by a big margin. Does the audience agree with that? YES!

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You've never seen that act before, describe them. They were fabulous...

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Yes. ..because when they did the flips, it was brilliant.

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In a final word, sum that act up...

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for us. Flabbergastic. Flabbergastic, sir! Thank you for your thoughts

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on Russian Bar. It's time to decide who takes the walk of freedom,

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so let's welcome them all back, please - Gamarjobat...

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Attila Endresz...

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Black Room Jackson...

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and Russian Bar! Give them a big round of applause, everybody!

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There they are...all looking tremendous. Weren't they wonderful?

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But only one act can be released from The Slammer today,

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and you will decide with this - Gimbert's all-new clapometer.

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Bigger and better. The more noise you make,

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the higher the score. It goes to a top possible score of 100.

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So, it's up to you. Well, the first act you saw were marvellous.

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Will they go free? Let's see, as you make some noise for Gamarjobat!

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LOUD CHEERING

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Oh...

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Wow! There they are, a wonderful score.

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89.2 for Gamarjobat! Very good indeed. Wonderful.

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Well, that's a marvellous score, but on his unicycle,

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will you please give some appreciation for...

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Attila Endresz! LOUD CHEERING

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Ooh... Oh, 84, not a bad score, but second place at the moment.

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Still in the lead, it's Gamarjobat. Very unusual acts on The Slammer

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this week, and this was no exception. Let's hear it for

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Black Room Jackson! LOUD CHEERING

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84.8. Still just in the lead,

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it's Gamarjobat. Will they be pipped at the post? Who knows.

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They came all the way from Russia, they went high,

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will they go high in the scores? Give your appreciation for

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Russian Bar! CHEERING

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Oh! Let's have a look... A sensational score there

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from Russian Bar. But still in the lead,

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the winners, with 89.2, and going free, it's Gamarjobat!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE They're free to go! Free to go!

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Take them away - Gamarjobat! You're free to leave The Slammer.

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Give them a round of applause! Off you go, lads.

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The rest of them - well done, everybody, tremendous!

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That's it from The Slammer. From all the gang here,

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see you again soon. Bye, everybody! Bye-bye!

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Hi, I'm the new inmate.

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I was kidnapped on my way here...

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I'm Lionel Blair! Yeah, yeah, very funny.

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..It's another one.

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Hop it! Before I have you arrested.

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Oh!

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