Episode 2 The Slammer


Episode 2

Children's entertainment show in which comedians enter a mock prison. The Governor becomes prison chef and bakes sprout cakes. In the Freedom Show, four acts perform for release.


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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to the Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit to try and get released

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# So go fetch the audience Bring them to the Slammer

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# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clap

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #

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Cabbage, mouldy bread,

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scummy cheese...and a rat.

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Now to make a start on the soup.

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-Can I have a word?

-Yeah - scram!

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No, I'm here for the inspection.

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-What inspection?

-Health and Safety. Every year we have to make one.

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I don't see why. It's all hygienic.

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-Really? What about this, then?

-The porridge. Best not to stir it.

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Why not?

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It tends to stir back!

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You're all right. Anything falls in, it sinks to the bottom.

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-What falls in?!

-Spiders, pigeons, prison warders doing inspections.

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Really?

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I've never had any complaints. Well, no one's complained twice.

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-Are all your ingredients fresh?

-Oh, absolutely. See? Still moving.

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-So that's fresh milk?

-Technically speaking, it's fresh yoghurt now.

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-Is it safe?

-All the best yoghurt's got active bacteria in it. Look.

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There. I've never felt healthier in my life.

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Eeeeurgh!

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Chef? Chef?!

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We'll have to close the kitchen! What'll we do?!

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Must...eat...own...foot.

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You can't eat me! Why not, Charlie Chimp? I need more salt.

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He needs more salt! ..Aaah!

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Just look at them. Useless.

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And this is only after 20 minutes without food. Imagine lunchtime!

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They'll have to tighten their belts. Chef's in hospital for a week.

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A week?! What about the acts?

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Derek Masters, the escapologist, he's on today's freedom show.

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His stomach's in knots! Then there's the Russian foot jugglers.

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-Julie Markov is meant to be light.

-There is a limit.

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Ole, the Mexican guitar trio, will sound awful if they don't get fish.

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-Why's that?

-Because they're out of tuna!

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-No, we have to tell the Governor.

-I hoped he might not notice.

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Time for his cheeseburger. He'll be livid.

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-I'm livid!

-Told you so.

-This could be our biggest crisis!

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What are we going to do?

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You need someone with nerves of steel to go in there.

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More than nerves of steel. Someone with courage,

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with determination and, above all else, a spatula.

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Only one name springs to mind - mine.

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-You, sir?

-I've always been interested in cookery.

-Really?

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Ever since I was a boy I've had a way with food.

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# Food! Fabulous food! Beautiful food!

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# Glorious food! #

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Cake...!

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-Uncle?

-Now where's my pinny? It's a family heirloom.

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Who's the chef? I'm the chef!

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-Grub up, everybody! The Governor's cooking up a storm!

-Five minutes.

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You, take a leek. You, scramble those potatoes. You, mash the eggs.

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No, mash the potatoes and scramble the eggs! Am I talking to myself?

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Stews, 22. Soups, 15. Hamburgers, 10. For the eating of, sir!

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-Is that everyone?

-No, that's just Ten Ton Tony, sir.

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Charlie Chuckles wants something that tastes funny

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and Jimmy the Fire Eater wants petrol and a box of matches.

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You heard the man! Jump to it! Who's the chef? I'm the chef!

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-It's everything I dreamed of.

-Really?

-All going like clockwork!

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-Aaaaiee!

-Yes, I'd like to see this clock.

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I've even had tome to make fairy cakes for the audience to have.

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-No one goes hungry today!

-Can we go any faster, Uncle?

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No problem.

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My only regret is not being able to see my diners' happy, smiling faces.

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How's your curry?

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Oh... Eurgh!

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Oh(!)

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-Problem?

-That last chef was bad, but this is just wrong.

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Curried prawn ravioli with pickled onions and tripe?

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-If you don't want it...

-What?!

-This is great! The pate is superb!

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-It stinks and it's crunchy.

-Enjoying the food?

-No!

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-Whose idea was this filthy slop?!

-The Governor's.

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I'll pass on your comments.

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Oh, it's lovely, exciting, a bold combination of flavours.

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I'll get him to give you a second helping.

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Mm, lovely. The audience will enjoy these. 'Ere, try one.

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Don't speak. Your face says it all. The audience will love them.

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-It's almost show time now.

-Oh! Grease my bun trays!

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-I forgot the prisoners' puds! You take over!

-What?!

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-Nephew, it's time for you to pick up the family pinny.

-I can't cook!

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Nonsense. You'll be fine. My granny was famous for her custard surprise.

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-I've got her secret recipe.

-What's the surprise?

-Weedkiller!

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Now it's all perfectly simple.

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As long as the yellow light flashes, put the egg whites in the blue pan

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-and when the green light flashes...

-Yes?

-Dive for cover!

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-What?!

-It's all written down. Just follow the recipe.

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-You'll be as great as me. Jump to it!

-But you're the chef!

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No, you're the chef! I'm the Guv'nor! How do I look?

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-Good.

-Thank you. In that case, it's show time!

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'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer!

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'You decide which prisoner will be released!

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'Now please welcome your host.

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'He's every entertainer's mate with a mission to incarcerate.

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'It's the Guv'nor!'

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-Who's the Guv'nor?

-ALL: You're the Guv'nor!

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We've got some great performing prisoners for you.

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-You will decide who will go free. Are you all feeling good?

-YES!

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We've got some marvellous acts, all here for doing naughty things.

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-Derek Masters, an escapologist. Let's have an oooh.

-Oooh!

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-The Aleshin Group, who juggle with their feet!

-Oooh!

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-And a wonderful high-flying act called Julie!

-Oooh!

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Now let's get on with it.

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You will decide who takes the walk of freedom. These are marvellous.

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Jailers and jailbirds, show your appreciation for Ole!

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SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

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Ole!

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THEY HUM THE TUNE "Apache"

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-Ole!

-AUDIENCE: Ole!

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Yah!

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Yah!

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Hey!

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Ole!

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Oh, yes! Brilliant! Well done!

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Give them a big round of applause! A big hand now!

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Marvellous. Oh, dear. What a wonderful performance.

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Don't put ping pong balls in your mouth. I only put pork pies in.

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It doesn't matter about me. What matters is what YOU thought of Ole.

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-Are they skilled musicians?

-Yeah.

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-Would they get a job at the London Philharmonic Orchestra?

-Maybe.

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-Do you know what that is?

-No!

-It's a very big band.

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-You, Miss. Your thoughts?

-I thought it was very amusing.

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And entertaining to watch. I liked the ping pong balls.

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Right. You just kicked me! What are you kicking me for?!

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I'm only doing my job, Miss. Blimey!

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-Did you enjoy Ole? Shout ole!

-Ole!

-That's very good.

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-What did you think of their act?

-Really good!

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-Amazing how they fitted all those ping pong balls in.

-And you, Sir?

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-Sum that act up in one word.

-Skilful.

-Skilful, sir!

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We've got an extra surprise for you. I've been doing some cookery.

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Never trust a thin chef. I've got my lovely fairy cakes.

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Who's like one of these? Go on.

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Oh, you're very polite. Go on, have a cake.

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Do you want one as well? You take a cake there.

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Have a good bite in there.

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Pass them down the line. There we go.

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Enjoying them?

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Marvellous. On to our next performing prisoner.

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And what a performance we've got for you now.

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The wonderful, wonderful skills of Derek Masters!

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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CHEERING

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Give him a big hand! Come on!

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Wow! Derek Masters! Oh, he's escaped again!

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Get him back! Give him a big hand, boys and girls!

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Make sure! How are we going to keep him in a cell? I don't know.

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There's no escaping your opinions with Mr Burgess.

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-Should we let him go?

-Yes.

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-He can come and go whenever he pleases. Miss?

-Really good.

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Any ways to improve that act?

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It could have been in a steel cage thing up there or something.

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Some people are hard to please!

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-We could have had piranhas underneath and set fire to it!

-Yeah!

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You're weird as well!

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-Sir?

-It was spectacular. I don't know how he does it.

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-Could you sum that act up for us in one word, Sir?

-Great.

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-Great.

-Marvellous. Derek Masters. Wonderful.

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I just hope it's going as well with the custard surprise.

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I'm sure he'll be fine.

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Anyway, on now to our next performing prisoners.

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Will they walk free tonight? Only you can decide. It's up to you.

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They're a family act and they're foot jugglers.

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Please give, convict connoisseurs, a huge ovation

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to Aleshin Group!

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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TECHNO MUSIC

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Oh, marvellous! Let's hear it for them, please - Aleshin Group!

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The cabin crew on these cut-price airlines have to do anything!

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Marvellous, weren't they? Mr Burgess?

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-What about you, Sir?

-It was a head-spinning aftertaste.

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A head-spinning aftertaste? What on earth do you mean?

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It was amazing.

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Well, that's quite a comment, Sir. Did you think that, Miss?

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-No.

-You didn't think it was a head-spinning aftertaste?

-No.

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-What did you think?

-I thought they were going to fall, but they didn't.

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-It was quite scary.

-Are they getting your vote today?

-Probably, yeah.

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-We still have one act left to see.

-Were you impressed?

-Very.

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-I thought their costumes were good, too.

-They looked good.

-Yeah.

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-Flying helmets and everything.

-Yeah.

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-Sir, sum that act up for me in one word.

-Em...fantabiastic!

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Fantabiastic, Sir!

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Now on to our final performing prisoner here on the Slammer.

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-You decide who takes the walk...

-CRASH

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Sorry about that. He's having a bit of trouble in the kitchen.

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Steady, lad! As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted,

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on to our final performing prisoner, then you decide who goes free.

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Shout out the name of your favourite act so far. Shout it out!

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ALL SHOUT

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Don't make your minds up just yet.

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Make some noise, please, for the wonderful Julie!

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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Let's hear it, ladies and gentlemen, for Julie! Come on!

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Sensational.

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No hanging about with that act, but will Julie be going free?

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Let's have a few final words from the gang.

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-Did you like her?

-Yes.

-Why?

-Cos she was fab!

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-Cos she was fab?

-Yeah.

-You're just giggling.

-Yeah.

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-Would you like to add something?

-Em...

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She was good, but not as much as the juggling feet people.

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She was really flexible, I really liked her.

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-Like the curtains?

-Yeah.

-Lovely.

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-Did you like Julie?

-She was great.

-What was the best bit?

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She was just so high up. It made me dizzy watching. She was so flexible.

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-Could you sum that act up in one word?

-Extraordinary.

-Extraordinary!

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ALARM BELLS RING

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# Glorious food! #

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Four cracking convicted convict acts and only one going free.

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Let's welcome them all back! Here they come - Ole!

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Derek Masters! Aleshin Group! And Julie!

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Yes. So many performing prisoners and only one act can go free.

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Who will it be? You are going to decide with the clapometer!

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It takes your applause and cheers and turns them into points.

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The act with the highest score goes free! The first act was amazing.

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Let's hear your applause for Ole!

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Ole! Let's have a look there. A ping-ponging score.

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83.4. Very good indeed. Is that enough to set them free?

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Let's see as we move on to an amazing act.

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You all held your breath. Wonderful escapology - Derek Masters!

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Wow! A great score there. 85.1.

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Just in the lead is Derek Masters. He'll swing over the wall!

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The next group came all the way from Russia.

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Give your applause for Aleshin Group!

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Wow! A wall of noise. They're in the lead with 92.5!

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Very good.

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One young lady now who soared to the heights.

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Let's hear your noise, please, recidivist receptionists, for Julie!

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Oh, a great score for Julie! 89.6 - not quite enough.

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Great scores for everybody. Going free is Aleshin Group!

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Set them free! You can go!

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Go on! Give them a big round of applause! Give them a big hand!

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The rest of you, back to your cells.

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Muchas gracias! Give them all a big cheer.

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There they go. It's wonderful.

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A big round of applause to everybody on the Slammer.

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If the audience don't yell, you're back in the cell!

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See you soon! Bye bye, everybody!

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Looks like normal custard. Where's the surprise?

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Give it a moment. Let it brew.

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Surprise!

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