Episode 2 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to the Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience Bring them to the Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clap

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #

Cabbage, mouldy bread,

scummy cheese...and a rat.

Now to make a start on the soup.

-Can I have a word?

-Yeah - scram!

No, I'm here for the inspection.

-What inspection?

-Health and Safety. Every year we have to make one.

I don't see why. It's all hygienic.

-Really? What about this, then?

-The porridge. Best not to stir it.

Why not?

It tends to stir back!

You're all right. Anything falls in, it sinks to the bottom.

-What falls in?!

-Spiders, pigeons, prison warders doing inspections.

Really?

I've never had any complaints. Well, no one's complained twice.

-Are all your ingredients fresh?

-Oh, absolutely. See? Still moving.

-So that's fresh milk?

-Technically speaking, it's fresh yoghurt now.

-Is it safe?

-All the best yoghurt's got active bacteria in it. Look.

There. I've never felt healthier in my life.

Eeeeurgh!

Chef? Chef?!

We'll have to close the kitchen! What'll we do?!

Must...eat...own...foot.

You can't eat me! Why not, Charlie Chimp? I need more salt.

He needs more salt! ..Aaah!

Just look at them. Useless.

And this is only after 20 minutes without food. Imagine lunchtime!

They'll have to tighten their belts. Chef's in hospital for a week.

A week?! What about the acts?

Derek Masters, the escapologist, he's on today's freedom show.

His stomach's in knots! Then there's the Russian foot jugglers.

-Julie Markov is meant to be light.

-There is a limit.

Ole, the Mexican guitar trio, will sound awful if they don't get fish.

-Why's that?

-Because they're out of tuna!

-No, we have to tell the Governor.

-I hoped he might not notice.

Time for his cheeseburger. He'll be livid.

-I'm livid!

-Told you so.

-This could be our biggest crisis!

What are we going to do?

You need someone with nerves of steel to go in there.

More than nerves of steel. Someone with courage,

with determination and, above all else, a spatula.

Only one name springs to mind - mine.

-You, sir?

-I've always been interested in cookery.

-Really?

Ever since I was a boy I've had a way with food.

# Food! Fabulous food! Beautiful food!

# Glorious food! #

Cake...!

-Uncle?

-Now where's my pinny? It's a family heirloom.

Who's the chef? I'm the chef!

-Grub up, everybody! The Governor's cooking up a storm!

-Five minutes.

You, take a leek. You, scramble those potatoes. You, mash the eggs.

No, mash the potatoes and scramble the eggs! Am I talking to myself?

Stews, 22. Soups, 15. Hamburgers, 10. For the eating of, sir!

-Is that everyone?

-No, that's just Ten Ton Tony, sir.

Charlie Chuckles wants something that tastes funny

and Jimmy the Fire Eater wants petrol and a box of matches.

You heard the man! Jump to it! Who's the chef? I'm the chef!

-It's everything I dreamed of.

-Really?

-All going like clockwork!

-Aaaaiee!

-Yes, I'd like to see this clock.

I've even had tome to make fairy cakes for the audience to have.

-No one goes hungry today!

-Can we go any faster, Uncle?

No problem.

My only regret is not being able to see my diners' happy, smiling faces.

How's your curry?

Oh... Eurgh!

Oh(!)

-Problem?

-That last chef was bad, but this is just wrong.

Curried prawn ravioli with pickled onions and tripe?

-If you don't want it...

-What?!

-This is great! The pate is superb!

-It stinks and it's crunchy.

-Enjoying the food?

-No!

-Whose idea was this filthy slop?!

-The Governor's.

I'll pass on your comments.

Oh, it's lovely, exciting, a bold combination of flavours.

I'll get him to give you a second helping.

Mm, lovely. The audience will enjoy these. 'Ere, try one.

Don't speak. Your face says it all. The audience will love them.

-It's almost show time now.

-Oh! Grease my bun trays!

-I forgot the prisoners' puds! You take over!

-What?!

-Nephew, it's time for you to pick up the family pinny.

-I can't cook!

Nonsense. You'll be fine. My granny was famous for her custard surprise.

-I've got her secret recipe.

-What's the surprise?

-Weedkiller!

Now it's all perfectly simple.

As long as the yellow light flashes, put the egg whites in the blue pan

-and when the green light flashes...

-Yes?

-Dive for cover!

-What?!

-It's all written down. Just follow the recipe.

-You'll be as great as me. Jump to it!

-But you're the chef!

No, you're the chef! I'm the Guv'nor! How do I look?

-Good.

-Thank you. In that case, it's show time!

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer!

'You decide which prisoner will be released!

'Now please welcome your host.

'He's every entertainer's mate with a mission to incarcerate.

'It's the Guv'nor!'

-Who's the Guv'nor?

-ALL: You're the Guv'nor!

We've got some great performing prisoners for you.

-You will decide who will go free. Are you all feeling good?

-YES!

We've got some marvellous acts, all here for doing naughty things.

-Derek Masters, an escapologist. Let's have an oooh.

-Oooh!

-The Aleshin Group, who juggle with their feet!

-Oooh!

-And a wonderful high-flying act called Julie!

-Oooh!

Now let's get on with it.

You will decide who takes the walk of freedom. These are marvellous.

Jailers and jailbirds, show your appreciation for Ole!

SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

Ole!

THEY HUM THE TUNE "Apache"

-Ole!

-AUDIENCE: Ole!

Yah!

Yah!

Hey!

Ole!

Oh, yes! Brilliant! Well done!

Give them a big round of applause! A big hand now!

Marvellous. Oh, dear. What a wonderful performance.

Don't put ping pong balls in your mouth. I only put pork pies in.

It doesn't matter about me. What matters is what YOU thought of Ole.

-Are they skilled musicians?

-Yeah.

-Would they get a job at the London Philharmonic Orchestra?

-Maybe.

-Do you know what that is?

-No!

-It's a very big band.

-You, Miss. Your thoughts?

-I thought it was very amusing.

And entertaining to watch. I liked the ping pong balls.

Right. You just kicked me! What are you kicking me for?!

I'm only doing my job, Miss. Blimey!

-Did you enjoy Ole? Shout ole!

-Ole!

-That's very good.

-What did you think of their act?

-Really good!

-Amazing how they fitted all those ping pong balls in.

-And you, Sir?

-Sum that act up in one word.

-Skilful.

-Skilful, sir!

We've got an extra surprise for you. I've been doing some cookery.

Never trust a thin chef. I've got my lovely fairy cakes.

Who's like one of these? Go on.

Oh, you're very polite. Go on, have a cake.

Do you want one as well? You take a cake there.

Have a good bite in there.

Pass them down the line. There we go.

Enjoying them?

Marvellous. On to our next performing prisoner.

And what a performance we've got for you now.

The wonderful, wonderful skills of Derek Masters!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

CHEERING

Give him a big hand! Come on!

Wow! Derek Masters! Oh, he's escaped again!

Get him back! Give him a big hand, boys and girls!

Make sure! How are we going to keep him in a cell? I don't know.

There's no escaping your opinions with Mr Burgess.

-Should we let him go?

-Yes.

-He can come and go whenever he pleases. Miss?

-Really good.

Any ways to improve that act?

It could have been in a steel cage thing up there or something.

Some people are hard to please!

-We could have had piranhas underneath and set fire to it!

-Yeah!

You're weird as well!

-Sir?

-It was spectacular. I don't know how he does it.

-Could you sum that act up for us in one word, Sir?

-Great.

-Great.

-Marvellous. Derek Masters. Wonderful.

I just hope it's going as well with the custard surprise.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

Anyway, on now to our next performing prisoners.

Will they walk free tonight? Only you can decide. It's up to you.

They're a family act and they're foot jugglers.

Please give, convict connoisseurs, a huge ovation

to Aleshin Group!

CHEERING

CHEERING

TECHNO MUSIC

Oh, marvellous! Let's hear it for them, please - Aleshin Group!

The cabin crew on these cut-price airlines have to do anything!

Marvellous, weren't they? Mr Burgess?

-What about you, Sir?

-It was a head-spinning aftertaste.

A head-spinning aftertaste? What on earth do you mean?

It was amazing.

Well, that's quite a comment, Sir. Did you think that, Miss?

-No.

-You didn't think it was a head-spinning aftertaste?

-No.

-What did you think?

-I thought they were going to fall, but they didn't.

-It was quite scary.

-Are they getting your vote today?

-Probably, yeah.

-We still have one act left to see.

-Were you impressed?

-Very.

-I thought their costumes were good, too.

-They looked good.

-Yeah.

-Flying helmets and everything.

-Yeah.

-Sir, sum that act up for me in one word.

-Em...fantabiastic!

Fantabiastic, Sir!

Now on to our final performing prisoner here on the Slammer.

-You decide who takes the walk...

-CRASH

Sorry about that. He's having a bit of trouble in the kitchen.

Steady, lad! As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted,

on to our final performing prisoner, then you decide who goes free.

Shout out the name of your favourite act so far. Shout it out!

ALL SHOUT

Don't make your minds up just yet.

Make some noise, please, for the wonderful Julie!

CHEERING

CHEERING

Let's hear it, ladies and gentlemen, for Julie! Come on!

Sensational.

No hanging about with that act, but will Julie be going free?

Let's have a few final words from the gang.

-Did you like her?

-Yes.

-Why?

-Cos she was fab!

-Cos she was fab?

-Yeah.

-You're just giggling.

-Yeah.

-Would you like to add something?

-Em...

She was good, but not as much as the juggling feet people.

She was really flexible, I really liked her.

-Like the curtains?

-Yeah.

-Lovely.

-Did you like Julie?

-She was great.

-What was the best bit?

She was just so high up. It made me dizzy watching. She was so flexible.

-Could you sum that act up in one word?

-Extraordinary.

-Extraordinary!

ALARM BELLS RING

# Glorious food! #

Four cracking convicted convict acts and only one going free.

Let's welcome them all back! Here they come - Ole!

Derek Masters! Aleshin Group! And Julie!

Yes. So many performing prisoners and only one act can go free.

Who will it be? You are going to decide with the clapometer!

It takes your applause and cheers and turns them into points.

The act with the highest score goes free! The first act was amazing.

Let's hear your applause for Ole!

Ole! Let's have a look there. A ping-ponging score.

83.4. Very good indeed. Is that enough to set them free?

Let's see as we move on to an amazing act.

You all held your breath. Wonderful escapology - Derek Masters!

Wow! A great score there. 85.1.

Just in the lead is Derek Masters. He'll swing over the wall!

The next group came all the way from Russia.

Give your applause for Aleshin Group!

Wow! A wall of noise. They're in the lead with 92.5!

Very good.

One young lady now who soared to the heights.

Let's hear your noise, please, recidivist receptionists, for Julie!

Oh, a great score for Julie! 89.6 - not quite enough.

Great scores for everybody. Going free is Aleshin Group!

Set them free! You can go!

Go on! Give them a big round of applause! Give them a big hand!

The rest of you, back to your cells.

Muchas gracias! Give them all a big cheer.

There they go. It's wonderful.

A big round of applause to everybody on the Slammer.

If the audience don't yell, you're back in the cell!

See you soon! Bye bye, everybody!

Looks like normal custard. Where's the surprise?

Give it a moment. Let it brew.

Surprise!