Episode 1 The Slammer


Episode 1

Children's show in which a group of entertainers enter a mock prison. Guest starring pop idols Sam Nixon and Mark Rhodes. Burgess is suspicious of a new robot warden.


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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit to try and get released

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# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

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I've called you into my office this morning

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to show you all the shape of things to come.

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Ooh! That stings.

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Prepare to witness the next generation of prison warder.

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Gimbert? Cue the music.

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MUSIC: "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini"

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No, track two!

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MUSIC: Theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey"

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I give you...the future!

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Well, what do you think?

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What is it, Sir?

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-Isn't it obvious?

-No.

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This is Warder Robot 2000.

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Ahem...or Wardrobe for short.

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A completely computerised prison warder.

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Here we go again.

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Wardrobe is an Intelligent Karate Enforcement Android!

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So it's an Ikea wardrobe?

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Oh yes. Wardrobe knows karate...

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jujitsu...

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Isn't that the same as karate?

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Oh no. This is karate!

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This is jujitsu!

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So, as I was saying, the Wardrobe 2000 knows karate...

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jujitsu...

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and the Macarena!

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MUSIC: "Macarena" by Los Del Rio

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Ha-ha-ha. If it's half as good as his website says,

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-you lot are gonna be out of a job in three years.

-ALL: What?

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Time for your first patrol, my beauty.

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Ooh!

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Hello, you two!

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-PETE AS PUPPET:

-Three!

-Er, yes, hello. Ooh!

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Just looking at the acts for today's Freedom Show.

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We've got Double Dutch...

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..Neon Man...

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..Half Human Video... Could be related to you!

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..And TJ Wheels.

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Very good. Well, I think that's everything,

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I'll leave you to get on with it, shall I?

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WARDROBE 2000: Beep beep! Order acknowledged!

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Mum?

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No! It's me, Robert!

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Robert! How are you doing? You've changed, ain't ya?

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No, it's just a costume. I'm pretending to be a robot.

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Oh, right! Yeah! Good one!

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I like pretending. Look at this, I'm a peacock.

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-Waaaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaa!

-No, no.

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I'm pretending to be a robot so I can break you out,

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cos Spanner and Ratchet, greatest double act on Earth,

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must be together again!

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-Hey, righty-tighty!

-Lefty-loosey!

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BOTH: Aah, the good times!

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Anyway, mate, I'm useless without ya.

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Ever since you got locked in 'ere, the work has dried up.

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No-one wants to see a one-man double act. Believe me, I've tried!

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I dunno, what is brown and taps at the window?

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And that's usually when Simon comes on dressed as a chocolate bar.

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It really is very funny!

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-CROWD:

-Boo! Rubbish!

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Lefty-loosey?

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LOUD HECKLING FROM CROWD

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So, I've gotta get you out of here!

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-Great! Let's go!

-No, not yet!

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First I've got to convince the Governor

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-I'm the best prison warden in here.

-OK, that shouldn't be too difficult.

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When I've got the keys and they're all busy at the Freedom Show,

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-we can just walk straight out!

-That is brilliant!

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-Just one thing.

-What's that?

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-Can I do my peacock impression again? Waaaaaaaaa!

-No!

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Be quiet! All right? See you later. I've got work to do. Shut me flap.

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-Did you hear that?

-Yes, I did! "Righty-tighty! Lefty-loosey!"?

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That's a rubbish catchphrase!

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No, the escape plan!

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You know what it's like after an escape! We're locked in our cells,

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-they cancel curry night and we can't use the jacuzzi!

-We've got a jacuzzi?

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Only on curry night!

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MUSIC: "When The Going Gets Tough" by Boyzone

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Look at that, Robo-mop!

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Robo-pop!

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ALARM RINGS

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Ooh! He didn't need to use his karate!

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-Ooh!

-Oh, what do you know! Robo-chop!

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When I said that in three years' time,

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I could see The Slammer being run by a fleet of hi-tech wardrobes,

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they all looked at me as if I was mad.

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After this morning, I think they were right!

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Anyway. Well done, Wardrobe 2000.

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It gives me great pleasure to present you

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with the keys to The Slammer!

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-I've got something to tell ya.

-What is it, Nokio?

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-It's about the Wardrobe 2000.

-It's brilliant.

-No...

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-Brillianty-brillianty-brilliant!

-Brilliant!

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Anyway, I'd like to announce that the winner of the title

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Warder of the Month, is...

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Wardrobe 2000!

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He's only been here since this morning,

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and he's Warden of the Month already!

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He'll be Warden of the Year by teatime!

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Somebody's gotta do something about this. You two, back to your cell...

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And I will have a quiet word with the Governor.

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No, Mr Burgess, I won't hear another word against him.

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-I've made my mind up!

-But Sir...

-Aa-aa-aah!

-Choo!

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I didn't know robots could sneeze.

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According to the manual, Wardrobe 2000 is like us in every way,

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-but he's made of metal and he runs by batteries.

-I don't believe it!

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It says so here. It's almost showtime,

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and I need to re-programme his duties.

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It's not a robot. It's got a face!

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Lovely, isn't it? Such attention to detail!

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I just need to wind him up...

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It's him that's winding me up! Time to take action!

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Help! Daddy! Save me from the nasty man!

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Mr Burgess! Have you gone mad? This is a valuable piece of equipment!

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-Undo those bolts! Open the flaps and take a look!

-I'll lose my warranty!

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-Can't you see? He's up to no good!

-You're just jealous!

-But...

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-No buts! My decision is final.

-But...

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Hey! What did I just say about buts? Eh? Eh? Now...

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-SIREN

-How do I look?

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-(Divine.)

-Divine, Sir.

-What was that?

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-Divine, Sir.

-That's better.

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Thank you very much. In that case, it's showtime!

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Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

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'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

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'where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

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'Now, please welcome your host,

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'he's robot mad, and look! There's his dad!

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'it's the Governor!'

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Who's the Governor?

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ALL: You're the Governor!

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Hello, jailers and jailbirds.

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We've got some fantastic performing prisoners.

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And here, on The Slammer, is where you decide who goes free.

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Who's it going to be? Well, we have got a sensational act, very unusual.

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He gets all lit up! He's called the Neon Man. Let's have an "ooh"!

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Oooooooh!

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We've got an even more unusual act. Half-human, half-video.

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-He's called Half Human Video!

-Oooooooh!

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And we've got a fabulous roller-skating act called TJ Wheels!

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Oooooooh!

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But right now, who's got a skipping rope? Yeah?

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Well, you ain't seen skipping like this.

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They're serving six months in the Bruce Forsyth section of The Slammer

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for, er, skipping bail! Please give a big welcome to DDF!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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UPTEMPO DANCE MUSIC

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hey, brilliant, brilliant!

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Give a big hand to DDF!

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But what did you think, with Mr Burgess? Let's skip over to him!

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Right. DDF there. Making it look easy with ropes, Miss, was it?

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I thought it was very good, and fantastic!

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What did you particularly enjoy?

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Well, I enjoyed it when they done the somersaults

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and the back...black...backflips.

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The back...flap...flips. You've got me doing it now!

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-Tell us all about it.

-I thought it was spectacular

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and I loved the unique style.

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Unique style? What beautiful prose you have!

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What sort of things do you think they get up to in training?

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Running, jumping, timing.

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-Eating Pot Noodles, Sir? Do you think that comes into it?

-No!

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And for one final word, to sum that act up... Miss.

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-Stunning.

-Stunning, Sir!

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We got off to a skipping good start there.

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Now, on to a very unusual act.

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This is the Neon Man. >

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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He's serving 7½ months here in the Slammer, >

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for being light-fingered(!)

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Please show your appreciation for the Neon Man!

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JET ENGINE 'LANDING'

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DISCO MUSIC

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LAUGHTER

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CHILDREN CLAP IN TIME TO MUSIC

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CHEERING

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JET ENGINE 'APPROACHING'

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TYRES SCREECH

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CRASH

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Give some applause for the Neon Man!

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Let's have some illuminating thoughts

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-with Mr Burgess and his gang.

-Neon Man...your thoughts, Miss?

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It was cool cos you couldn't tell there was a man behind it,

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-and he did all these cool tricks.

-What cool tricks would these be?

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-He got hit by a plane.

-He got hit by a plane? That's quite an act.

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What were the good things about the Neon Man?

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I thought it was absolutely fab, no doubt he will get my vote,

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It was spectacular!

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-You think he did all that by himself, Sir?

-No.

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-You think he had accomplices?

-Yes.

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-Should we be looking for another criminal within this prison?

-Yes.

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-What should we do if we catch them?

-Er, lock 'em up!

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For how long?

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A year!

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-Going a bit easy on him, isn't it, Sir?

-His whole life!

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That's better, Sir. That's what I like to hear.

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-Sum that up in one word...Sir.

-Illuminating.

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Illuminating, Sir!

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Well, who's gonna go free? You'll be deciding soon.

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Another unusual performing prisoner now.

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This is called Half Human Video.

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-Hey, righty-tighty!

-Lefty-loosey!

-Come on!

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Oh no, they're escaping, Melv!

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Leave it to me...

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Please welcome Half Human Video!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Boom-bah-boom-bah-boom-bah boom-ba-doom-ba

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# Boom-bah-boom-bah-boom-bah-boom

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BOTH: # Boom-bah-boom-bah-boom-bah boom-ba-doom-ba

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# Boom-bah-boom-bah-boom-bah-boom

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# Boom-bah-boom-bah-boom-bah boom-ba-doom-ba

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# Boom-bah-boom-bah-boom-bah-boom

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# Bah-ba-doo-ba-bah-ba-doo-ba. #

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Ooh!

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-# Bah-ba-doo-bah-bu-do-bum-bom... #

-Ow! Stop!

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-What's the matter?

-You hit me on my nose!

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-I didn't, did I?

-Yes, you did!

-You shouldn't be standing so close!

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-Shall we do it again?

-All right.

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No, hang on a minute, how come you have a mic and I don't?

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-You don't need one.

-You have a microphone. I want a microphone.

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You always do this to me, you know.

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LAUGHTER

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FEEDBACK

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That all right? 1-2... Yeah, is that OK? All right then.

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-Happy now?

-Actually, no.

-What, then?

-I want a cup of tea first.

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-A cup of tea?

-A couple of sips, just to wet my whistle.

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For goodness sake.

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Actually, that's not a bad idea.

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Mouth's a bit dry, be with you in a minute!

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Can I have it back now, please?

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I don't know. Marvellous, eh(?)

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Bleugh!

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-I can't believe you just did that!

-I'm sorry, I tripped on the towel!

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-How can you be so clumsy?

-It wasn't my fault, it's...

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HE SIGHS

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-Shall we do it one more time?

-All right. We don't have much time.

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-OK, d'you wanna count it in?

-No, you count it in.

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-All right, then.

-All right, then.

-One, two, a-one, two...

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ELECTRICAL BUZZ Now what's happened?

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-I don't know.

-There's a buzz.

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-Unless it's this.

-Unless it's what?

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-This box of wires that I just kicked.

-You kicked a box of wires?

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-Look.

-He just kicked a box of wires!

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There's something...a wire coming out. Come and have a look!

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-It's that one there, look.

-Oh, I see what you've done.

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-You know about this sort of thing.

-Yeah...

-You're cleverer than I am.

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All you have to do is put that in here. There you go.

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-Hi kids.

-Fixed it.

-GASPS

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-Oi, what are you doing out there?

-Saying hello to everybody.

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You having a good time?

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-KIDS:

-Yeah!

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-What have you done?

-Are you enjoying my show?

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-It's not your show, it's my show!

-It's my show!

-Don't listen to him!

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-Pay no attention to him.

-He's dangerous!

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-I'm not dangerous! I'm the Half Human Video!

-Just let me out!

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-For goodness sake.

-Let me out!

-He's over-reacting.

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Thanks for watching. See you later on. Bye!

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Some cheers for Half Human Video, please!

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Mr Burgess, what did your lot make of that?

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-Half Human Video. Worth it?

-It was hilarious when they switched places,

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-and it was unusual - a lot of thought must have gone into it.

-How much?

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-Quite a lot.

-In days, how would you equate that thought process?

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2,006?

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What did you think of the Half Human Video?

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I think it was very good,

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I don't know how they managed to get both bits in,

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but I think that will be a ten out of ten.

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-And, Sir?

-I thought it was ingenious.

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-What was ingenious about it?

-The fact they were talking to each other,

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yet one was on TV and one was here in real life.

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-Is that your lot, Sir?

-That's my lot.

-That's it?

-Yes.

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-Nothing else to add?

-No.

-I can't press you on that?

-No.

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-That's absolutely the lot?

-That's the lot!

-Nothing else?

-Nothing else.

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-You sure?

-I'm sure.

-I can't twist your arm?

-You can't twist my arm!

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-Final chance, Sir?

-I just think...

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Oh, you said you didn't want to say anything else!

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Right, madam, one word to sum that act up, if you very please!

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-Unusual.

-Unusual, Sir!

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Three performing acts you've seen,

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one more then you'll decide who goes free.

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Urrrgh!

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PUNCHES ARE THROWN

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Huh?

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Ow, me screws! Ow, me nuts and bolts!

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It's you! Robert Ratchet!

0:20:400:20:42

Tin foiled again!

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Please give a huge ovation to TJ Wheels!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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DANCE MUSIC

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GASPS

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Hello.

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ALL: Hello.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:130:21:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:230:21:24

KIDS CLAP ALONG IN TIME

0:21:300:21:31

MUSIC: "Super Fly (Upper MC)" by Music Instructor

0:21:500:21:54

LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:540:21:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:560:21:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:330:22:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:020:23:03

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:300:23:32

Well, there he is. Give him a big hand, jailers and jailbirds!

0:23:320:23:36

What did you think of TJ Wheels?

0:23:380:23:43

TJ Wheels there. Was he wheel-y good, Miss?

0:23:430:23:47

I think he was excellent. The best bit was when he did a handstand,

0:23:470:23:52

when he was skating and then he did a handstand.

0:23:520:23:56

-Good roller-skating?

-It's a 9.9 out of 10.

-9.9 out of 10?

0:23:560:24:00

-Cos he dropped the pins down there.

-Everyone's a critic!

0:24:000:24:04

-Were you frightened when he jumped at you?

-I stepped right back!

0:24:040:24:08

-Best thing to do, eh?

-I thought he was gonna hit me!

0:24:080:24:11

-He wouldn't hit you! He's a nice fella!

-Not punch me!

0:24:110:24:15

I know he wouldn't do that!

0:24:150:24:17

If he did that, he'd be here for another six months!

0:24:170:24:21

-Sir?

-It was really unseen...

-It was really what? Unseen?

0:24:210:24:25

-Because it was...

-Is this a newfangled word from the street?

0:24:250:24:29

What is that, Sir?

0:24:290:24:31

It's really brilliant and fabulous how he juggled when he was skating

0:24:310:24:36

that was... Nobody can do that.

0:24:360:24:38

I think you summed it up rather well there.

0:24:380:24:41

-Have you got anything for me, Sir?

-Amazing.

-Amazing, Sir!

0:24:410:24:45

A final word without even asking for it.

0:24:450:24:48

Well, that was TJ Wheels, and your views, but who's gonna go free?

0:24:480:24:52

It's make-your-mind-up time. Welcome them all back!

0:24:520:24:56

DDF! The Neon Man! Half Human Video! And TJ Wheels!

0:24:560:25:02

Here they come... there's lots of them...

0:25:020:25:05

But only one act can go free. It's up to you, convict connoisseurs,

0:25:050:25:09

to decide who will go through, with this, the Clap-o-meter.

0:25:090:25:13

Yes, the more noise you make, the higher the score.

0:25:130:25:17

It's as simple as that.

0:25:170:25:18

Jailers and jailbirds, you loved them, let's see what score they get.

0:25:180:25:23

They were marvellous skippers, will they be skipping out? It's DDF!

0:25:230:25:28

A fabulous score. 87.4! Yeah!

0:25:360:25:40

Will they be going free? Who knows. Next, an unusual performer,

0:25:400:25:45

he glowed in the dark. Will he be glowing with success? The Neon Man!

0:25:450:25:51

Going up there, good score! 74.6! In the lead still is DDF.

0:25:570:26:02

But now, the strangest act I've ever seen. It's Half Human Video!

0:26:020:26:07

A good score, there. But no, you're back for more porridge, I'm afraid.

0:26:120:26:17

It's 83.3. Still in the lead and set to go free at the moment is DDF.

0:26:170:26:23

Just one more performing prisoner act to see.

0:26:230:26:27

He was on his wheels, is he going free?

0:26:270:26:30

Jailers and jailbirds, your applause please for TJ Wheels!

0:26:300:26:34

It's good... Oh, it's a great score but I don't think it's enough. 82.1.

0:26:400:26:45

That means going free, the winners, it's DDF!

0:26:450:26:49

You're free to go. Take them away. Off you go.

0:26:490:26:52

Well, it'll cut down on the porridge bill.

0:26:520:26:55

Incidentally, Mr Burgess, what's for tea for everybody else?

0:26:550:26:59

-Sloppy-poppy porridge, but with a twist.

-What's the twist?

-Extra plop.

0:26:590:27:04

Off you go, back to the cellars.

0:27:040:27:06

They were great, but they're staying with us.

0:27:060:27:09

Remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

0:27:090:27:13

KIDS: Don't do the crime!

0:27:130:27:16

See you again soon for more fun in the Slammer! Yeah!

0:27:160:27:20

Bye, everybody!

0:27:200:27:22

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:380:27:40

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:400:27:42

Righty-tighty!

0:27:420:27:44

Lefty-loosey!

0:27:440:27:45

-Together again...

-BOTH: ..at last!

0:27:450:27:48

You can take that cardboard box off now.

0:27:490:27:52

Yep.

0:27:520:27:54

Guest starring pop idols Sam Nixon and Mark Rhodes. Burgess is suspicious of a new robot warden introduced to the Slammer. Acts performing in the Freedom Show include a spectacular skipping group and Neon Man.


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