Episode 9 The Slammer


Episode 9

Children's entertainment show set in a mock prison. Tony Blackburn is an evil DJ who hatches a dastardly escape plan. Featuring mind readers and a basketball duo.


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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty of a howlin' showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit to try and get released

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# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

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# Polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands, so make a cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

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-WHISTLE BLOWS

-Who's the Governor?

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You are, sir. Good morning, sir. You're back...early.

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Just been keeping your chair warm, sir, and your custard creams.

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-Have a nice holiday, sir?

-Very relaxing, thanks, Frank.

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Lots of sun, sea and sand - unusual for Rotherham! I feel very relaxed.

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Nothing can stress me out.

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We forgot to put on any Freedom Shows while you were away!

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You know what happens when we don't put on Freedom Shows!

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The prisoners get bored and tetchy!

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-Melv, I'm bored.

-Ssh, Pete, I'm tetchy! We could play hide and seek.

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We've done that already. Mr Wonky won by hiding in the oven.

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-'You didn't find me for days!'

-COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

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'Attention, all inmates, your Governor calling!'

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Good news - I'm back.

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And I've decided to call an emergency Freedom Show.

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The acts I've selected to take part are The Mind Readers...

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I knew he is going to say that.

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Chris Green.

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Jonathan Arons.

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PLAYS A FEW NOTES

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And the Freestyle Basketballers.

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That's a start. Let's just hope it's not too late.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

-New inmate, sir.

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-A discjockey. In you come!

-Good morning.

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DJ Tony Blackburn here. Watch out for heavy traffic in the corridors.

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The forecast for today is...prison!

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Got ten years for playing criminal records at wedding discos.

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-Welcome, Mr Blackburn. We're having a boredom crisis.

-Boredom crisis?

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Maybe I can help.

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'It's Tony Blackburn on...' # Radio Slammer! #

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-You need a prison radio station.

-Where would we get one?

-Shut up!

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Radio to boost morale! Great idea! When can you start?

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Right after this from Kylie Minogue.

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# Everybody's doing a brand-new... #

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A radio station! Can I be a DJ?

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I was on pirate radio until I had to walk the plank!

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-The position's been filled.

-I could be your co-presenter.

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You can't be a pop-a-doodle-do DJ overnight! Can you do this?

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# Ah, freak out, le freak, so chic Ah, freak out! #

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You'll have The Slammer boogieing in no time. Tough luck, Melv.

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-You can do another important job.

-Really?

-The staff toilet's blocked.

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Thanks, Governor. You won't regret it. Music is a very powerful thing.

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A very powerful thing.

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EVIL LAUGHTER

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I'm sorry. It's 10.07. Here's Disco Inferno.

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# Burn, baby, burn

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# Burn, baby, burn

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# Burn, baby, burn

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# Burn, baby, burn... #

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Tony Blackburn with you at Radio Slammer. Nice to have you with us.

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Thanks for all requests - I Wanna Break Free coming your way soon

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and for Peter Nokio, it's Robbie Williams with Freedom.

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Are you ready to rock? Let's go!

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He said my name and he's playing my song. This radio station is great.

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'Yes, I agree. Do you wanna dance?'

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I do. Best foot forward!

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'My legs fell off last week!' OK, let's not dance.

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'Oh, go on!' Oh, all right!

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I wish they'd let me be the DJ. This is rubbish. Everyone will hate it!

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Lots of people are saying this isn't rubbish and they love it! Thanks!

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# Radio Slammer! #

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Nice to have a captive audience! I'll play something for the guards,

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something strange you've never heard before. No, it's not G4.

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This is something I've produced myself. It's very entrancing.

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SLOW ENTRANCING MUSIC

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Oh, this is a different song, isn't it, Gimbert?

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It's, uh... It's very relaxing actually.

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It's like white, fluffy pillows.

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-LOUD YAWNING

-I might have a little lie-down.

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It's a sleepy song, Mr Burgess.

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Remind me. Why can't I stay up for Newsround?

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Night-night. Kiss-kiss.

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SNORING

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Is that rubbish DJ still on, Pete? Pete?

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Pete!

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SNORING CONTINUES

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Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think that DJ's put everyone to sleep!

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Wake up!

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OK, I can do this.

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# Radio Slammer! #

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You're listening to Radio Slammer and this is DJ Melvin.

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I'm gonna play one of my favourites. Respect to The Cheeky Girls!

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LOUD SCRATCHING This sounds better than I remember!

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-SCRAPING SOUND

-Oh!

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WHISTLE BLOWS, ALARM GOES OFF

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-Look, Blackburn's trying to escape!

-He won't get very far.

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Those are my car keys.

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Oh! Right now, pop-pickers, busted!

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Take him to the music cell for now. We've got a job to do.

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-SIREN WAILS

-How do I look?

-Divine.

-Pop-tastic!

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Thank you very much. In that case, it's showtime!

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Yo, who's callin'? Big-up to all my peeps!

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Right now you're locked into HM Slammer

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where you decide which prisoners are about to bust free. Get me, blood?

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Anyway, here he is, the big man on campus.

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He's heavy. When I say "heavy", I ain't playin', you get me?

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It's the Governor!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Come on!

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-Who's the Governor?

-ALL: You're the Governor!

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-What great jailers and jailbirds we have! Ready for a good time?

-Yeah!

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I want to hear a big "ooh" for these acts.

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We've got performing prisoners the like of which you've never seen!

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-We've got The Mind Readers.

-Ooh!

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-We've got Jonathan Arons. Ooh!

-Ooh!

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-And we've got Freestyle Basketballers, yeah!

-Ooh!

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Time now for your first performing prisoner.

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He's serving three years in the Dick and Dom Wing of The Slammer

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for doing a great pizza act - he was found with somebody else's dough!

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-Please welcome Chris Green!

-CHEERING

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THEME MUSIC: "Hawaii Five-O"

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Come on!

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Hey, I wouldn't have minded a "pizz-a" that action!

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That's an act that takes some topping!

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Can you top that with Mr Burgess?

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-Right, chuckin' dough about, what did you reckon?

-It were magic.

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-It were magic?

-LAUGHTER

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Come along, miss. Compose yourself. She's lost it! I'll move on to you.

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-He was slammer-jammer!

-What did you think of Chris Green?

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Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! But was that real dough?

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It was real dough cos he needs the dough. He could turn it into pizzas.

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-I wouldn't want to eat them after they'd been on the floor.

-No.

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-What about you, sir?

-It was fantastic pizza balancing.

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And he was very skilled to do that.

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-Do you think we should release him?

-Yes.

-Would you vote for him?

-Yes.

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-Even though you haven't seen the rest of today's acts?

-Yes.

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OK, there's one sure-fire winner in the bag. And for a final word...

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Young lady, sum that act up in one word only.

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Thank you. There you go, sir.

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# Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, munchy, munchy, rabbit, rabbit... #

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Well, that's a nice, tasty start to the show. Pizza, hmm!

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On to some very unusual performing prisoners - mind readers.

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They're here serving four and a half years in the Mr Bean Wing

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for taking part in the Great Brain Robbery!

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Will you please make some noise for the fabulous Mind Readers!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, boys and girls.

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We want to present to you a rather unusual show, but we need your help.

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I'd like you to give me any objects. Anna will be guessing.

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So, Anna, attention!

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OK. I will try to do my best.

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OK, Anna, concentrate.

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May I ask for anything? All right.

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Anna, what did this girl hand me?

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-I suppose this is a toy.

-Fine. What kind of toy?

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Just a minute, let me see. This is a little fairy.

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-Is that right?

-Yeah.

-You're right.

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Concentrate and tell me... What was I given now?

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Now it's a coin.

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What is the denomination of this coin? Tell us.

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This is a £1 coin.

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Right? Yes, absolutely right. Thank you.

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All right, all right. Next question for you. Anna, concentrate.

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Tell me, what am I holding in my hand? We're waiting for your answer.

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-It's a ball.

-Yeah, all right.

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Can you write here seven numbers, OK...? Yeah.

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OK, OK, just a moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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OK, please, please... What is this boy's name?

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-Ready? Don't rush.

-Just a moment.

-Can you guess?

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I think his name is Jake.

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-That's right. Absolutely right. Wow!

-Thank you.

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APPLAUSE

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And now what is the number written on this paper?

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Don't rush, please. What number?

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Ready? Don't hurry.

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Tell us the number.

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1...6...

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2...3...

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5, 7 and 0.

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-That's right. Absolutely right.

-APPLAUSE

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OK, kids, thank you for your time.

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Thank you, girls and boys. Thank you!

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CHEERING

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Give them a big round of applause, please, a big hand!

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Anna, the fabulous mind reader. You know what I thought of that act...?

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Yes, I did. But what did you think, with Mr Burgess?

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We put a man on the moon. We have a shampoo that washes and conditions.

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-But how do they do that?

-That was magical.

-Would you pay to see that?

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Depends on how much.

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-Well, say £10.50?

-Yeah.

-You'd pay £10.50?

-Yes.

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-Would you pay £15.50?

-Yes.

-Front stalls, 20 quid?

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-OK.

-What about the upper circle, miss? £25?

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-Would you watch them then?

-If it's the best seat.

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Right in the centre, upper circle, 50 quid? You can have that at cost.

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-OK.

-You'd still go?

-Yes.

-Lovely.

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Any chance they could read my mind?

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There's nothing to read, Gimbert. Nothing to read.

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Did you like that mind-reading act?

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I did, but it was a bit creepy at first.

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The only bit that was really creepy was that she guessed Jake's name.

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-It was just weird.

-And for one final word?

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-Excellent.

-Excellent, sir.

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# Rabbit, rabbit, munchy, munchy, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit... #

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Will The Mind Readers go free? Nobody knows. They probably do!

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You will decide later on when we have the clapometer.

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But right now, another unusual performing prisoner.

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Please welcome Jonathan Arons!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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STARTS PLAYING TUNE

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# Yeah! #

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DISCO MUSIC

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# Hey! Hey! Hey!

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# What you got to say?

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# I said hey, hey, hey!

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# What you got to say?

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# Hollywoo-oo-ood

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# Hollywood swingin'

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# Hollywoo-ood

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# Hollywood swingin'

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# I went to a theatre

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# And I saw a Kool And The Gang show

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# Hollywoo-oo-ood

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# Hollywood swingin'

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# Yeah, yeah!

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# Hollywood swingin'

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# Hollywood is swingin'

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# Hollywood swingin' Hollywood swingin'

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# Go! Go! Go!

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# Go! Go! Go!

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# Go! Go! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yes, please! Let's hear it for Jonathan Arons!

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Has he earned his freedom, jailers and jailbirds?

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Or has he blown it? Over to you!

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You first. Quality entertainment or was he jumping about like a monkey?

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I thought he was very interesting

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and I loved the end where he put his foot in the hole on the trombone.

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-You think he should play more with his foot?

-Yeah.

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-What did you think?

-I really enjoyed it.

-Can you make a trombone noise?

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-MAKES TROMBONE SOUND

-Sounds like a gremlin!

-You, miss?

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-He did some very funny dance moves.

-What was funny?

-They were just odd.

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Right, young sir, what did you think?

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He was the best so far, but he's a bit nuts.

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In what way, sir?

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-Good.

-Nuts but good?

-Yeah, good nuts.

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-One final word - sum that act up.

-Mad!

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Mad, sir.

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# Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, munchy, munchy, munchy, rabbit, rabbit... #

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Hey, not bad!

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-Jailers and jailbirds, enjoying the performing prisoners, yes?

-Yeah!

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One more act to see - a pair of performing prisoners.

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These two are very tall. You need to be to play basketball.

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What basketballers they are! You've heard of slam 'n' dunk?

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Well, they're serving 18 months for being dunk and disorderly!

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Jailers and jailbirds, please make a rousing welcome

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and bring on stage the Freestyle Basketballers!

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CHEERING

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RAP MUSIC INTRO

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MUSIC: "The Creator" - Pete Rock & CL Smooth

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CHEERING

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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OK, everybody!

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ALL CLAP IN RHYTHM

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Jailers and jailbirds, the Freestyle Basketballers!

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Give them a round of applause!

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They've followed me all day. I keep saying, "I haven't got your ball!"

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-But they're in court. What do you think?

-Hoop dreams?

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-I think they are very skilled and might win.

-Why might they win?

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Because they are very good.

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-Are you going to vote for them?

-Maybe.

-OK.

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-Did you enjoy the Freestyle Basketballers?

-Yeah.

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-Half of it was pathetic and half of it was good.

-Which half was pathetic?

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-The one when they took their jumpers off.

-But which half was brilliant?

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The one when they put the ball on their hand, on their index finger.

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-Miss?

-I thought they were excellent and magnificent and awesome.

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And I think that they're the best out of all the acts.

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And to sum that act up in one final word, miss?

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-Amazing.

-Amazing, sir!

-Your thoughts on the Freestyle Basketballers.

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But what will be the net result?

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Let's welcome them all on to stage now as we find out who's going free.

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It's Chris Green, The Mind Readers, Jonathan Arons.

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And it's the Freestyle Basketballers. Come on!

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Oh, yes. There they are.

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Remember, only one act can go free from The Slammer.

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You will decide with the aid of this - the miraculous clapometer!

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First, a marvellous act, something I've never seen done with a pizza!

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Please give your appreciation for Chris Green!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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There we are, not a bad score. 78.7. 78.7 for Chris there.

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Next on to our mystical, mind-boggling Mind Readers.

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Will they be going free? Only you know. They've got a fair inkling!

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Let's hear it for The Mind Readers!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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They've gone into the lead. 82.4! Give them a round of applause. 82.4.

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Takes the lead. This gentleman was weird, but we loved him.

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Enough to go free? I don't know. Over to you for Jonathan Arons!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Come on! Whoa! My word!

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87.8! Well, he's in the lead! Yes!

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These two came on and did some wonderful things with basketballs.

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Will they be shooting high and slam-dunking their way to victory?

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Let's see as you welcome the Freestyle Basketballers!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well, yes, a pretty decisive victory there.

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Going free with a great score of 95.6,

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it's the Freestyle Basketballers!

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Take them away, take them away! Give them a big round of applause!

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They're free to go. Give them a big hand!

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The rest, well, it's back to the cells with Mr Burgess.

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-What's for tea in The Slammer?

-I thought burger and chips, sir.

0:26:520:26:57

For a change! Wonderful!

0:26:570:26:59

And why break a winning combination? It's sloppy-ploppy porridge!

0:26:590:27:04

Sloppy-ploppy porridge again! Back you go to the cells.

0:27:040:27:08

Give them a big hand there.

0:27:080:27:11

More porridge! Convict connoisseurs, that's it for another Freedom Show.

0:27:110:27:16

Join us again soon. If you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

0:27:160:27:20

-Don't do the crime!

-Tatty-bye, everybody! Bye, everyone, bye!

0:27:200:27:25

CHEERING

0:27:250:27:29

# Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit... #

0:27:440:27:47

Now, Tony, you've been a very, very naughty boy,

0:27:470:27:51

so we'll send you somewhere where you'll never be heard of again.

0:27:510:27:56

-Not solitary confinement?

-No. Radio Cleethorpes!

0:27:560:28:01

No-o-o-o-o!

0:28:010:28:04

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