Episode 9 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a howlin' showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# Polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make a cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-Who's the Governor?

You are, sir. Good morning, sir. You're back...early.

Just been keeping your chair warm, sir, and your custard creams.

-Have a nice holiday, sir?

-Very relaxing, thanks, Frank.

Lots of sun, sea and sand - unusual for Rotherham! I feel very relaxed.

Nothing can stress me out.

We forgot to put on any Freedom Shows while you were away!

You know what happens when we don't put on Freedom Shows!

The prisoners get bored and tetchy!

-Melv, I'm bored.

-Ssh, Pete, I'm tetchy! We could play hide and seek.

We've done that already. Mr Wonky won by hiding in the oven.

-'You didn't find me for days!'

-COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

'Attention, all inmates, your Governor calling!'

Good news - I'm back.

And I've decided to call an emergency Freedom Show.

The acts I've selected to take part are The Mind Readers...

I knew he is going to say that.

Chris Green.

Jonathan Arons.

PLAYS A FEW NOTES

And the Freestyle Basketballers.

That's a start. Let's just hope it's not too late.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

-New inmate, sir.

-A discjockey. In you come!

-Good morning.

DJ Tony Blackburn here. Watch out for heavy traffic in the corridors.

The forecast for today is...prison!

Got ten years for playing criminal records at wedding discos.

-Welcome, Mr Blackburn. We're having a boredom crisis.

-Boredom crisis?

Maybe I can help.

'It's Tony Blackburn on...' # Radio Slammer! #

-You need a prison radio station.

-Where would we get one?

-Shut up!

Radio to boost morale! Great idea! When can you start?

Right after this from Kylie Minogue.

# Everybody's doing a brand-new... #

A radio station! Can I be a DJ?

I was on pirate radio until I had to walk the plank!

-The position's been filled.

-I could be your co-presenter.

You can't be a pop-a-doodle-do DJ overnight! Can you do this?

# Ah, freak out, le freak, so chic Ah, freak out! #

You'll have The Slammer boogieing in no time. Tough luck, Melv.

-You can do another important job.

-Really?

-The staff toilet's blocked.

Thanks, Governor. You won't regret it. Music is a very powerful thing.

A very powerful thing.

EVIL LAUGHTER

I'm sorry. It's 10.07. Here's Disco Inferno.

# Burn, baby, burn

# Burn, baby, burn

# Burn, baby, burn

# Burn, baby, burn... #

Tony Blackburn with you at Radio Slammer. Nice to have you with us.

Thanks for all requests - I Wanna Break Free coming your way soon

and for Peter Nokio, it's Robbie Williams with Freedom.

Are you ready to rock? Let's go!

He said my name and he's playing my song. This radio station is great.

'Yes, I agree. Do you wanna dance?'

I do. Best foot forward!

'My legs fell off last week!' OK, let's not dance.

'Oh, go on!' Oh, all right!

I wish they'd let me be the DJ. This is rubbish. Everyone will hate it!

Lots of people are saying this isn't rubbish and they love it! Thanks!

# Radio Slammer! #

Nice to have a captive audience! I'll play something for the guards,

something strange you've never heard before. No, it's not G4.

This is something I've produced myself. It's very entrancing.

SLOW ENTRANCING MUSIC

Oh, this is a different song, isn't it, Gimbert?

It's, uh... It's very relaxing actually.

It's like white, fluffy pillows.

-LOUD YAWNING

-I might have a little lie-down.

It's a sleepy song, Mr Burgess.

Remind me. Why can't I stay up for Newsround?

Night-night. Kiss-kiss.

SNORING

Is that rubbish DJ still on, Pete? Pete?

Pete!

SNORING CONTINUES

Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think that DJ's put everyone to sleep!

Wake up!

OK, I can do this.

# Radio Slammer! #

You're listening to Radio Slammer and this is DJ Melvin.

I'm gonna play one of my favourites. Respect to The Cheeky Girls!

LOUD SCRATCHING This sounds better than I remember!

-SCRAPING SOUND

-Oh!

WHISTLE BLOWS, ALARM GOES OFF

-Look, Blackburn's trying to escape!

-He won't get very far.

Those are my car keys.

Oh! Right now, pop-pickers, busted!

Take him to the music cell for now. We've got a job to do.

-SIREN WAILS

-How do I look?

-Divine.

-Pop-tastic!

Thank you very much. In that case, it's showtime!

Yo, who's callin'? Big-up to all my peeps!

Right now you're locked into HM Slammer

where you decide which prisoners are about to bust free. Get me, blood?

Anyway, here he is, the big man on campus.

He's heavy. When I say "heavy", I ain't playin', you get me?

It's the Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on!

-Who's the Governor?

-ALL: You're the Governor!

-What great jailers and jailbirds we have! Ready for a good time?

-Yeah!

I want to hear a big "ooh" for these acts.

We've got performing prisoners the like of which you've never seen!

-We've got The Mind Readers.

-Ooh!

-We've got Jonathan Arons. Ooh!

-Ooh!

-And we've got Freestyle Basketballers, yeah!

-Ooh!

Time now for your first performing prisoner.

He's serving three years in the Dick and Dom Wing of The Slammer

for doing a great pizza act - he was found with somebody else's dough!

-Please welcome Chris Green!

-CHEERING

THEME MUSIC: "Hawaii Five-O"

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on!

Hey, I wouldn't have minded a "pizz-a" that action!

That's an act that takes some topping!

Can you top that with Mr Burgess?

-Right, chuckin' dough about, what did you reckon?

-It were magic.

-It were magic?

-LAUGHTER

Come along, miss. Compose yourself. She's lost it! I'll move on to you.

-He was slammer-jammer!

-What did you think of Chris Green?

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! But was that real dough?

It was real dough cos he needs the dough. He could turn it into pizzas.

-I wouldn't want to eat them after they'd been on the floor.

-No.

-What about you, sir?

-It was fantastic pizza balancing.

And he was very skilled to do that.

-Do you think we should release him?

-Yes.

-Would you vote for him?

-Yes.

-Even though you haven't seen the rest of today's acts?

-Yes.

OK, there's one sure-fire winner in the bag. And for a final word...

Young lady, sum that act up in one word only.

Thank you. There you go, sir.

# Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, munchy, munchy, rabbit, rabbit... #

Well, that's a nice, tasty start to the show. Pizza, hmm!

On to some very unusual performing prisoners - mind readers.

They're here serving four and a half years in the Mr Bean Wing

for taking part in the Great Brain Robbery!

Will you please make some noise for the fabulous Mind Readers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, boys and girls.

We want to present to you a rather unusual show, but we need your help.

I'd like you to give me any objects. Anna will be guessing.

So, Anna, attention!

OK. I will try to do my best.

OK, Anna, concentrate.

May I ask for anything? All right.

Anna, what did this girl hand me?

-I suppose this is a toy.

-Fine. What kind of toy?

Just a minute, let me see. This is a little fairy.

-Is that right?

-Yeah.

-You're right.

Concentrate and tell me... What was I given now?

Now it's a coin.

What is the denomination of this coin? Tell us.

This is a £1 coin.

Right? Yes, absolutely right. Thank you.

All right, all right. Next question for you. Anna, concentrate.

Tell me, what am I holding in my hand? We're waiting for your answer.

-It's a ball.

-Yeah, all right.

Can you write here seven numbers, OK...? Yeah.

OK, OK, just a moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK, please, please... What is this boy's name?

-Ready? Don't rush.

-Just a moment.

-Can you guess?

I think his name is Jake.

-That's right. Absolutely right. Wow!

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

And now what is the number written on this paper?

Don't rush, please. What number?

Ready? Don't hurry.

Tell us the number.

1...6...

2...3...

5, 7 and 0.

-That's right. Absolutely right.

-APPLAUSE

OK, kids, thank you for your time.

Thank you, girls and boys. Thank you!

CHEERING

Give them a big round of applause, please, a big hand!

Anna, the fabulous mind reader. You know what I thought of that act...?

Yes, I did. But what did you think, with Mr Burgess?

We put a man on the moon. We have a shampoo that washes and conditions.

-But how do they do that?

-That was magical.

-Would you pay to see that?

Depends on how much.

-Well, say £10.50?

-Yeah.

-You'd pay £10.50?

-Yes.

-Would you pay £15.50?

-Yes.

-Front stalls, 20 quid?

-OK.

-What about the upper circle, miss? £25?

-Would you watch them then?

-If it's the best seat.

Right in the centre, upper circle, 50 quid? You can have that at cost.

-OK.

-You'd still go?

-Yes.

-Lovely.

Any chance they could read my mind?

There's nothing to read, Gimbert. Nothing to read.

Did you like that mind-reading act?

I did, but it was a bit creepy at first.

The only bit that was really creepy was that she guessed Jake's name.

-It was just weird.

-And for one final word?

-Excellent.

-Excellent, sir.

# Rabbit, rabbit, munchy, munchy, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit... #

Will The Mind Readers go free? Nobody knows. They probably do!

You will decide later on when we have the clapometer.

But right now, another unusual performing prisoner.

Please welcome Jonathan Arons!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

STARTS PLAYING TUNE

# Yeah! #

DISCO MUSIC

# Hey! Hey! Hey!

# What you got to say?

# I said hey, hey, hey!

# What you got to say?

# Hollywoo-oo-ood

# Hollywood swingin'

# Hollywoo-ood

# Hollywood swingin'

# I went to a theatre

# And I saw a Kool And The Gang show

# Hollywoo-oo-ood

# Hollywood swingin'

# Yeah, yeah!

# Hollywood swingin'

# Hollywood is swingin'

# Hollywood swingin' Hollywood swingin'

# Go! Go! Go!

# Go! Go! Go!

# Go! Go! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, please! Let's hear it for Jonathan Arons!

Has he earned his freedom, jailers and jailbirds?

Or has he blown it? Over to you!

You first. Quality entertainment or was he jumping about like a monkey?

I thought he was very interesting

and I loved the end where he put his foot in the hole on the trombone.

-You think he should play more with his foot?

-Yeah.

-What did you think?

-I really enjoyed it.

-Can you make a trombone noise?

-MAKES TROMBONE SOUND

-Sounds like a gremlin!

-You, miss?

-He did some very funny dance moves.

-What was funny?

-They were just odd.

Right, young sir, what did you think?

He was the best so far, but he's a bit nuts.

In what way, sir?

-Good.

-Nuts but good?

-Yeah, good nuts.

-One final word - sum that act up.

-Mad!

Mad, sir.

# Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, munchy, munchy, munchy, rabbit, rabbit... #

Hey, not bad!

-Jailers and jailbirds, enjoying the performing prisoners, yes?

-Yeah!

One more act to see - a pair of performing prisoners.

These two are very tall. You need to be to play basketball.

What basketballers they are! You've heard of slam 'n' dunk?

Well, they're serving 18 months for being dunk and disorderly!

Jailers and jailbirds, please make a rousing welcome

and bring on stage the Freestyle Basketballers!

CHEERING

RAP MUSIC INTRO

MUSIC: "The Creator" - Pete Rock & CL Smooth

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

OK, everybody!

ALL CLAP IN RHYTHM

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Jailers and jailbirds, the Freestyle Basketballers!

Give them a round of applause!

They've followed me all day. I keep saying, "I haven't got your ball!"

-But they're in court. What do you think?

-Hoop dreams?

-I think they are very skilled and might win.

-Why might they win?

Because they are very good.

-Are you going to vote for them?

-Maybe.

-OK.

-Did you enjoy the Freestyle Basketballers?

-Yeah.

-Half of it was pathetic and half of it was good.

-Which half was pathetic?

-The one when they took their jumpers off.

-But which half was brilliant?

The one when they put the ball on their hand, on their index finger.

-Miss?

-I thought they were excellent and magnificent and awesome.

And I think that they're the best out of all the acts.

And to sum that act up in one final word, miss?

-Amazing.

-Amazing, sir!

-Your thoughts on the Freestyle Basketballers.

But what will be the net result?

Let's welcome them all on to stage now as we find out who's going free.

It's Chris Green, The Mind Readers, Jonathan Arons.

And it's the Freestyle Basketballers. Come on!

Oh, yes. There they are.

Remember, only one act can go free from The Slammer.

You will decide with the aid of this - the miraculous clapometer!

First, a marvellous act, something I've never seen done with a pizza!

Please give your appreciation for Chris Green!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we are, not a bad score. 78.7. 78.7 for Chris there.

Next on to our mystical, mind-boggling Mind Readers.

Will they be going free? Only you know. They've got a fair inkling!

Let's hear it for The Mind Readers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They've gone into the lead. 82.4! Give them a round of applause. 82.4.

Takes the lead. This gentleman was weird, but we loved him.

Enough to go free? I don't know. Over to you for Jonathan Arons!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on! Whoa! My word!

87.8! Well, he's in the lead! Yes!

These two came on and did some wonderful things with basketballs.

Will they be shooting high and slam-dunking their way to victory?

Let's see as you welcome the Freestyle Basketballers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, yes, a pretty decisive victory there.

Going free with a great score of 95.6,

it's the Freestyle Basketballers!

Take them away, take them away! Give them a big round of applause!

They're free to go. Give them a big hand!

The rest, well, it's back to the cells with Mr Burgess.

-What's for tea in The Slammer?

-I thought burger and chips, sir.

For a change! Wonderful!

And why break a winning combination? It's sloppy-ploppy porridge!

Sloppy-ploppy porridge again! Back you go to the cells.

Give them a big hand there.

More porridge! Convict connoisseurs, that's it for another Freedom Show.

Join us again soon. If you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-Don't do the crime!

-Tatty-bye, everybody! Bye, everyone, bye!

CHEERING

# Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit... #

Now, Tony, you've been a very, very naughty boy,

so we'll send you somewhere where you'll never be heard of again.

-Not solitary confinement?

-No. Radio Cleethorpes!

No-o-o-o-o!