Episode 8 The Slammer


Episode 8

Children's entertainment show set in a mock prison. Jimmy the Jinx, the world's unluckiest clown, secures a place singing on the Freedom Show.


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Transcript


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KLAXON WAILS

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# You've been found guilty Of a howlin' showbiz crime

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# So welcome to the Slammer

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# Where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel

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# Entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit To try and get released

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# So go fetch the audience

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# Bring them to the Slammer

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# Polish up your act

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# With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands

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# So make 'em cheer and clap

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

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-# Leave the Slammer

-It's the only way you'll ever leave

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# The Slammer! #

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# Why does it always rain on me?

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# Was it because I lied When I was 17? #

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Ha ha ha. Eurgh.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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And that was Britain's most talented toilet!

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FAINT APPLAUSE

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The moment you've been waiting for. What is it, Mr Burgess?

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It's time for the Slammer lottery, Sir.

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That's right.

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Where we decide who's gonna win a place in today's Freedom Show.

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What do we have to do, Mr Burgess?

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Release the balls and chain, Sir.

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So, the first act on the show is, Mr Gimbert?

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Me? I can't perform.

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Oh, go on then.

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JAUNTY MUSIC

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Gimbert!

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The first act on the show is... Mr Gimbert?

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Oh!

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Andy Gebhardt!

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The second act out, Sir, Duo Full House.

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'TRUMPETING'

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Hey!

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The third act is Kis Faludy.

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APPLAUSE

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And the final act on the bill this week

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is Felicity, the invisible juggler.

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CIRCUS MUSIC

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Here's looking at you, kid... Wherever you are.

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To the winners, better get ready.

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To the losers, more sloppy-ploppy porridge.

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Oh, typical. 'Yeah, typical.'

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I'm sure you'll get chosen one day.

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-With my luck? They call me the Queen's Nose.

-Queen's Nose?

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Never gets picked.

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At least you're not as unlucky as Jimmy Jinx.

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Then why is he not in here?

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He is!

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I wasn't clowning around with banana skins. It was just bad luck.

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No such thing as bad luck - only human incompetence.

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Who put this lamppost here? Get it moved, lad!

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See, Mr Burgess? I am a jinx.

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I'm a magnet for ill winds and freakish accidents.

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No such thing as a jinx, lad.

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FLOWER SQUIRTS

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-How flaming dare you?

-But I didn't do anything!

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-And I'm Natasha Kaplinsky(!)

-Blimey, it's all gone wrong for you.

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Get in that cell.

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-But I'm not guilty! I shouldn't be here.

-That's your bad luck.

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Because you is, Jinx. You is.

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CLANG!

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CRASH

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Told you so.

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Jimmy Jinx? In here?

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Oh, run for your lives!

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Oooh!

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Oh, Uncle.

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See? It's started already.

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The bad luck, the accidents... We're doomed! Mr Gimbert!

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-Yes?

-Prepare Jimmy Jinx for release.

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Release him? He's a danger and a menace.

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-We don't want him here.

-You can't release prisoners willy-nilly.

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I'm not releasing Willy Nilly.

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You stay there.

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No, I'm releasing The Unluckiest Man In The World.

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Duh-duh-duuuuuh!

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Not duh-duh-duhing?

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Not this week.

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Fair enough.

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Ooh, I can't wait for the show to start.

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I really think this could be my big break.

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Whoops.

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-Nobody sitting there?

-Ow, do you mind?

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Felicity, is that you?

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It's me, Jimmy!

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Jimmy! You haven't changed a bit.

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Nor have you!

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Ow!

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-Was that your eye?

-Ow! Yes! And that was the other one.

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-I'm sorry.

-Ooch! Ooh. Ow!

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FELICITY CRIES

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Oh, that's my arm. I'm in agony.

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I'll have to pull out of the Freedom Show.

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Felicity, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

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Forget it, Jimmy. Just leave me alone!

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Felicity... Felicity!

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You forgot your balls.

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That's just my luck.

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'Oi! You're not sitting there.' That's so rude.

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-It's "You're not sitting there, thank you."

-Give him a break.

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What harm can one man do sitting at the table, eating?

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Aaaargh!

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CRASH!

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Sorry. If...

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CRASH!

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SIRENS

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Watch out for... HUGE CRASH

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ALARM RINGS

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I'm really sorry about that one. You poor little lamb.

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SAD HARMONICA MUSIC

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No need to ask whose fault all this is.

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I'm sorry. It was just bad luck.

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Get back, Jinx. Get back!

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You've done more than enough harm for one day.

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-Look at poor Felicity.

-At least we can see her now, Sir.

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She's an invisible juggler. You're not supposed to see her.

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-I've only got three acts now.

-Well, I could always take her place.

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You? I'm not letting you near that stage.

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-I can do me sword twirling.

-No!

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-What about knife throwing?

-No!

-Fire breathing?

-No!

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Don't you understand "unluckiest man in the world"?

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Fine. I'll just stay here and serve my full 13 years of imprisonment.

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13 years?

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Congratulations. You're on the show.

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Yes, the Jinx is back!

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Sorry, sorry. Just...

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Looking forward to the show?

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Absolutely. Never felt better.

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You're not worried about "The Jinx"?

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Don't be silly. Dressed like this? What could possibly go wrong? Urgh!

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Whooooah!

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CRASH

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I'll go and get changed.

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-Ready for the show?

-No, Melvin.

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-Don't come any closer.

-You're not really jinxed.

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You see? How can I win?

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I've never won anything. I'm the unluckiest man in the world.

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-Exactly. You're the best.

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Wait a minute. There's a bloke in Finland who's better.

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I'm the world's second unluckiest man world.

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That really is unlucky.

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-TANNOY:

-'This is your final call.

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'Will all acts please wing it to the wings.'

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Break a leg.

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Thanks, mate.

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I'm sorry.

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Thanks, mate.

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Well, boys?

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How do I look?

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-The, erm...

-The...

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Wha... Oh, yeah.

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Divine, Sir.

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Thank you very much. In that case, it's show time.

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BUZZING

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'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

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'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

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'Now please welcome your host. He's...'

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TANNOY BUZZES

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'(It's not working. I don't know...)'

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BUZZING

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'(It was fine this afternoon.)'

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'Now, please...'

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CRACKLES 'Oh, get stuffed!'

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'(Oh, no, it's working.) It's the guv'nor!'

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APPLAUSE

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Who's the guv'nor?

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ALL: You're the guv'nor!

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Fantastic to see you. Are you ready for some Freedom Show fun?

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ALL: Yes!

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One act will go free from the Slammer and you will decide who.

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We've got some fabulous performing prisoners today.

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We've got Duo Full House. Ooooh!

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Very unusual act.

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We've got a marvellous act, a flipping good act.

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They go up in the air. They're wonderful. They're Kis Faludy.

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And an unlucky chap called Jimmy Jinx.

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ALL: Whooooo!

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To kick us off, please welcome Andy Gebhardt!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Come on. This show's over.

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Round of applause for Andy Gebhardt.

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Good stuff, eh? Good, wasn't it?

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But is it good enough to go free? Let's find out.

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Right then. Coming to you first, Miss.

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Did that act twirl your baton?

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Yes. It looked like the sticks were magnetic.

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How d'you do?

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-Very well.

-Good. You're not related to Mr Burgess?

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-Nope.

-You talk a bit like him.

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Did you like that act?

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-Brilliant, Sir.

-He called me Sir.

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Just like Mr Burgess. Let's borrow Gimbert's hat. Try that.

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Do your Mr Burgess impression.

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Good day, Sir.

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LAUGHTER

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We could have you instead of Mr Burgess.

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Good idea. Mr Burgess, you're fired!

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-What about you?

-The part with two sticks was great.

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-That impressed you?

-Yeah.

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-You don't want to see the others?

-No.

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GIGGLING

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Right, up you get. Off you go.

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For one final word to sum that act up, Miss?

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Amazing.

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Amazing, Sir!

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Your views on Andy Gebhardt. Will he go free? Too early to say.

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All set then, Jimmy?

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I am raring to go.

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Shhhh.

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JIMMY COUGHS LOUDLY

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Do you mind?

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We're trying to do a Freedom Show.

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Some people, I don't know.

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The next prisoners, a sensational act.

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They juggle, play the piano. They're masterful on the keys of the piano.

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But will they win the keys to the Slammer?

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You decide as you enjoy and appreciate

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Duo Full House!

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CHEERING

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Thank you.

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Thank you very much.

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UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC

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Thank you.

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-There's more.

-Oh, there's more. I'm sorry. I forgot. Are you sure?

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What was the p...?

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LAUGHTER

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Ah, ah, ah, ow. Ooh.

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Are you OK?

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Wonderful... Wonderful.

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CLATTER

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-All right, the show is over.

-Wait a second.

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The show must go on.

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-It must go on.

-I fix it for you.

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-You fixed it?

-Yes.

-All right.

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It's time for classical music.

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A very difficult piece.

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CRACKS HIS FINGERS

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-ALL: Ohhhhh.

-Are you OK?

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Chopin wrote this piece for only nine fingers.

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Don't need this one.

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DRAMATIC PIANO MUSIC

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GIGGLING

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-This is ridiculous.

-Now what?

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I'm an American. Back home, the pianos are bigger.

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I'm sorry about this.

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LAUGHTER

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It's much more comfortable down here. I'm gonna stay down here.

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Mozart.

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MUSIC: SONATA IN C K545

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, let's have a big round of applause for Duo Full House.

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What did you think of Duo Full House?

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Duo Full House there. Duo, meaning two.

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Full House... A bingo expression. Miss?

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Amazing, hilarious, silly, excellent, clever, weird and stupid.

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And you've drawn a flow chart to signify that. Show it to everybody.

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There you go, everything there.

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-Did they do enough to be released?

-I don't know yet.

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What did you think of Duo Full House?

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They have real potential.

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My favourite part was when he hit his head and played on the floor.

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Did you like Duo Full House?

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Yep. I think the man played really good on the piano,

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especially when he threw the balls at the same time.

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Score out of ten?

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Er, I'd say four.

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Four out of ten?! Not very high.

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-Not the best one yet.

-Hedging his bets.

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And for one final word, Miss?

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Breathtaking.

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-Breathtaking.

-That was Duo Full House and your opinions on them.

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< Now onto our next performing prisoners...

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Don't stand under a ladder. It's well unlucky.

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-You're right. Thanks, Pete.

-That's all right.

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Please welcome Kis Faludy!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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ROCK MUSIC

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Big cheer for Kis Faludy.

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Kis Faludy. Have they kissed goodbye to freedom?

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Kis Faludy. Was it any good?

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It was the best so far.

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-And?

-They should go to freedom.

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Did you prefer the little or big fella?

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The little fella.

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Why, Sir?

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-He did most of the act.

-You're saying the big fella does nothing.

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He just jumped down.

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"He just jumped down." This is why they need to stay here.

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Yeah.

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-What did you think of them?

-It was flipping awesome.

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Could they improve?

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Erm, yeah, the bigger man doing a bit more.

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He gives all the weight to the little fella.

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-The little fella couldn't make the big fella jump up.

-No.

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Have they done enough?

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-Yeah.

-OK, jolly good.

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One final word. Miss?

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-Erm, I think it was the best...

-Oh, here we go.

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-I think it was the best...

-What did I just say?

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One final word, Miss.

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-Fantastic.

-Fantastic.

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Got there in the end. Thank you.

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You've seen three acts. Have you enjoyed them?

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ALL: Yes!

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We have one more performing prisoner to see and he's very unlucky.

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Jimmy, you're on.

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Right-o. Now that is bad luck. I've only locked myself in!

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Jimmy!

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Sorry, sorry.

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He's called Jimmy Jinx. He's doing 13 years in the Slammer.

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If it wasn't for bad luck, he'd have no luck at all.

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The unlucky, the unfortunate, Jimmy Jinx!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Sorry!

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Sorry.

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Thank you.

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# I can't believe That I'm on the Freedom Show

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# I'm gonna tell you all A little tale of woe

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# You won't believe your ears, oh!

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# You can't imagine The run of luck I've had

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# None of it good, all of it bad

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# It's been worse Than Britney Spears... #

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Come on!

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# Oh, look at me... #

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All together!

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# Mr Unlucky... # Come on!

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# Oh, my luck stinks... # Phwoar.

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# They call me Jimmy the Jinx... #

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Here we go.

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# They say look at him... # Sorry, sorry.

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# Unlucky Jim... # Yeah!

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# How my heart sinks

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# When they call me Jimmy the Jinx

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# When I catch a bus The bus catches fire

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# When I catch a train The train bursts a tyre

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# "You're jinxed, Jimmy", Says my wife... #

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Na-na-na-na-na.

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# If I see the Queen I'll have a coughing fit

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# If I ride a roller coaster There'll be nowhere to sit

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# I'll have to hang on For my life... #

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Watch out! Come on.

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# Oh, look at me

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# Mr Unlucky

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# Oh, my luck stinks

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-# They call me...

-# Jimmy the Jinx... #

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That's the one, that's my name. # They say, "Look at him"

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# Unlucky Jim

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# Yes, my heart sinks

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# When they call me Jimmy the Jinx... #

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That's the one. Here we go!

0:22:380:22:41

That's it. HARMONICA CONTINUES

0:22:450:22:47

Rock'n'roll!

0:22:520:22:54

Ooh, sorry! Sorry!

0:22:560:22:59

Oh, dear. Anyone for ice cream?

0:23:020:23:05

Jimmy Jinx, is he lucky enough to go free? Let's find out.

0:23:050:23:10

Has he done enough to be released?

0:23:100:23:12

Yes.

0:23:120:23:13

Why?

0:23:130:23:15

Because he was really silly and keeps falling over.

0:23:150:23:18

You're easily pleased. Do you like that?

0:23:180:23:21

People being generally silly and falling over?

0:23:210:23:25

Mmm-hmm.

0:23:250:23:26

Right.

0:23:260:23:27

Ooh!

0:23:270:23:29

LAUGHTER

0:23:290:23:30

-Was that funny?

-Yep.

0:23:320:23:33

Jolly good.

0:23:330:23:34

-What score did you give?

-Ten out of ten.

0:23:340:23:37

What was the best bit?

0:23:370:23:39

-When he put his foot in the shaving cream.

-You liked that.

0:23:390:23:43

All that talent... Sticks his foot in a bucket and gets your vote.

0:23:430:23:47

-Yeah.

-Jolly good.

0:23:470:23:50

For one final word... Sir?

0:23:500:23:52

-I thought it was very...

-That's not a final word.

0:23:520:23:55

Erm, funny.

0:23:550:23:57

Let's do that again.

0:23:570:23:58

For one final word... Sir?

0:23:580:24:01

-Hilarious.

-You're changing it!

0:24:010:24:04

-What do you want? Funny or hilarious?

-Hilarious.

0:24:040:24:07

Let's do it again then. One final word.

0:24:070:24:10

Erm...

0:24:100:24:11

Now you're thinking about something else!

0:24:110:24:14

Which one are you going with?

0:24:140:24:17

-Hilarious.

-Let's do it again then.

0:24:170:24:19

One final word?

0:24:190:24:20

Hilarious.

0:24:200:24:21

Well done, Sir.

0:24:210:24:23

There we are. Four performing prisoner acts.

0:24:230:24:26

Your opinions on all of them. One opinion counts.

0:24:260:24:29

That's the one recorded on the Clap-o-meter!

0:24:290:24:33

The more you clap and cheer, the higher the score.

0:24:330:24:37

The person with the highest score goes free.

0:24:370:24:41

Let's welcome them back.

0:24:410:24:42

Andy Gebhardt!

0:24:420:24:44

Duo Full House!

0:24:440:24:47

Kis Faludy!

0:24:470:24:48

And Jimmy Jinx!

0:24:480:24:49

There they are.

0:24:510:24:52

Marvellous.

0:24:520:24:54

Oh, yes.

0:24:540:24:55

Which of these various acts will be going free?

0:24:550:24:59

First, an unusual act. An act that "sticks" in the memory.

0:24:590:25:03

Will he go free? Let's hear it please for Andy Gebhardt!

0:25:030:25:08

Good score.

0:25:140:25:15

76 on the Clap-o-meter. Whoah!

0:25:150:25:19

Yeah, 76 for Andy Gebhardt.

0:25:190:25:22

Next, we had two very, very funny performers. Duo Full House!

0:25:220:25:28

Oooh, you just... Very close. It's more porridge for you two.

0:25:330:25:38

On to two very lively performers.

0:25:380:25:41

Your appreciation please for Kis Faludy!

0:25:410:25:45

What a noise!

0:25:530:25:54

What a score. Scorching into the lead.

0:25:540:25:57

83.9 on the Clap-o-meter.

0:25:570:26:00

They're in the lead.

0:26:000:26:02

Well, there's only one act that can go ahead of that now.

0:26:020:26:06

Let's hear it please for Jimmy Jinx!

0:26:060:26:09

I don't believe it.

0:26:160:26:18

He's... He's been pipped at the post.

0:26:180:26:20

He's unlucky again! Ahhh.

0:26:200:26:22

That means the winners, going free, leaping free, flipping free,

0:26:220:26:27

it's Kis Faludy!

0:26:270:26:29

CHEERING

0:26:290:26:31

You're free to go, guys.

0:26:310:26:33

Off you go with the warder.

0:26:330:26:35

Give them a big cheer.

0:26:350:26:36

Marvellous. Big round of applause for Kis Faludy.

0:26:360:26:40

CHEERING

0:26:400:26:42

They're going free.

0:26:420:26:43

For the other acts, it's back to the cells.

0:26:430:26:46

The good news is you're in time for tea with Mr Burgess.

0:26:460:26:50

What's for tea tonight?

0:26:500:26:52

Chef's doing a Hungarian dish called a "mushlik".

0:26:520:26:55

Ooh, a Hungarian dish. What's that in English?

0:26:550:26:59

Sloppy-ploppy porridge.

0:26:590:27:00

Oh, no! Take them back to the cells.

0:27:000:27:03

It's sloppy-ploppy porridge. Give them a big hand.

0:27:030:27:07

Well, that's it.

0:27:070:27:09

That's it, and remember, we're at the Slammer,

0:27:090:27:12

and if you don't make the audience yell...

0:27:120:27:15

ALL: You're back in the cell!

0:27:150:27:18

Join us soon for some more fun with all the gang on the Slammer. Bye!

0:27:180:27:22

Round of applause for all the acts!

0:27:220:27:25

# It's the only way You'll ever leave the Slammer! #

0:27:340:27:37

-Unlucky, Jimmy.

-Looks like I'll never get out of here now.

0:27:410:27:45

The only way you'd get out is if some idiot left the gate open.

0:27:450:27:50

Huh?

0:27:500:27:51

-Hmm...

-Hmm...

0:27:510:27:53

Ahhhh...

0:27:530:27:54

-Ohhh...

-Oh...

0:27:540:27:55

Hey hey hey!

0:27:550:27:57

CLANG

0:27:570:27:58

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

0:27:580:28:00

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:060:28:09

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:090:28:11

Jimmy the Jinx, the world's unluckiest clown, secures a place singing on the Freedom Show. His competition includes a comedy magic duo and a daring balancing act, but can he succeed and gain his freedom?


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