Episode 8 The Slammer

KLAXON WAILS

# You've been found guilty Of a howlin' showbiz crime

# So welcome to the Slammer

# Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel

# Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit To try and get released

# So go fetch the audience

# Bring them to the Slammer

# Polish up your act

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands

# So make 'em cheer and clap

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

-# Leave the Slammer

-It's the only way you'll ever leave

# The Slammer! #

# Why does it always rain on me?

# Was it because I lied When I was 17? #

Ha ha ha. Eurgh.

TOILET FLUSHES

And that was Britain's most talented toilet!

FAINT APPLAUSE

The moment you've been waiting for. What is it, Mr Burgess?

It's time for the Slammer lottery, Sir.

That's right.

Where we decide who's gonna win a place in today's Freedom Show.

What do we have to do, Mr Burgess?

Release the balls and chain, Sir.

So, the first act on the show is, Mr Gimbert?

Me? I can't perform.

Oh, go on then.

JAUNTY MUSIC

Gimbert!

The first act on the show is... Mr Gimbert?

Oh!

Andy Gebhardt!

The second act out, Sir, Duo Full House.

'TRUMPETING'

Hey!

The third act is Kis Faludy.

APPLAUSE

And the final act on the bill this week

is Felicity, the invisible juggler.

CIRCUS MUSIC

Here's looking at you, kid... Wherever you are.

To the winners, better get ready.

To the losers, more sloppy-ploppy porridge.

Oh, typical. 'Yeah, typical.'

I'm sure you'll get chosen one day.

-With my luck? They call me the Queen's Nose.

-Queen's Nose?

Never gets picked.

At least you're not as unlucky as Jimmy Jinx.

Then why is he not in here?

He is!

I wasn't clowning around with banana skins. It was just bad luck.

No such thing as bad luck - only human incompetence.

Who put this lamppost here? Get it moved, lad!

See, Mr Burgess? I am a jinx.

I'm a magnet for ill winds and freakish accidents.

No such thing as a jinx, lad.

FLOWER SQUIRTS

-How flaming dare you?

-But I didn't do anything!

-And I'm Natasha Kaplinsky(!)

-Blimey, it's all gone wrong for you.

Get in that cell.

-But I'm not guilty! I shouldn't be here.

-That's your bad luck.

Because you is, Jinx. You is.

CLANG!

CRASH

Told you so.

Jimmy Jinx? In here?

Oh, run for your lives!

Oooh!

Oh, Uncle.

See? It's started already.

The bad luck, the accidents... We're doomed! Mr Gimbert!

-Yes?

-Prepare Jimmy Jinx for release.

Release him? He's a danger and a menace.

-We don't want him here.

-You can't release prisoners willy-nilly.

I'm not releasing Willy Nilly.

You stay there.

No, I'm releasing The Unluckiest Man In The World.

Duh-duh-duuuuuh!

Not duh-duh-duhing?

Not this week.

Fair enough.

Ooh, I can't wait for the show to start.

I really think this could be my big break.

Whoops.

-Nobody sitting there?

-Ow, do you mind?

Felicity, is that you?

It's me, Jimmy!

Jimmy! You haven't changed a bit.

Nor have you!

Ow!

-Was that your eye?

-Ow! Yes! And that was the other one.

-I'm sorry.

-Ooch! Ooh. Ow!

FELICITY CRIES

Oh, that's my arm. I'm in agony.

I'll have to pull out of the Freedom Show.

Felicity, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

Forget it, Jimmy. Just leave me alone!

Felicity... Felicity!

You forgot your balls.

That's just my luck.

'Oi! You're not sitting there.' That's so rude.

-It's "You're not sitting there, thank you."

-Give him a break.

What harm can one man do sitting at the table, eating?

Aaaargh!

CRASH!

Sorry. If...

CRASH!

SIRENS

Watch out for... HUGE CRASH

ALARM RINGS

I'm really sorry about that one. You poor little lamb.

SAD HARMONICA MUSIC

No need to ask whose fault all this is.

I'm sorry. It was just bad luck.

Get back, Jinx. Get back!

You've done more than enough harm for one day.

-Look at poor Felicity.

-At least we can see her now, Sir.

She's an invisible juggler. You're not supposed to see her.

-I've only got three acts now.

-Well, I could always take her place.

You? I'm not letting you near that stage.

-I can do me sword twirling.

-No!

-What about knife throwing?

-No!

-Fire breathing?

-No!

Don't you understand "unluckiest man in the world"?

Fine. I'll just stay here and serve my full 13 years of imprisonment.

13 years?

Congratulations. You're on the show.

Yes, the Jinx is back!

Sorry, sorry. Just...

Looking forward to the show?

Absolutely. Never felt better.

You're not worried about "The Jinx"?

Don't be silly. Dressed like this? What could possibly go wrong? Urgh!

Whooooah!

CRASH

I'll go and get changed.

-Ready for the show?

-No, Melvin.

-Don't come any closer.

-You're not really jinxed.

You see? How can I win?

I've never won anything. I'm the unluckiest man in the world.

-Exactly. You're the best.

Wait a minute. There's a bloke in Finland who's better.

I'm the world's second unluckiest man world.

That really is unlucky.

-TANNOY:

-'This is your final call.

'Will all acts please wing it to the wings.'

Break a leg.

Thanks, mate.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, mate.

Well, boys?

How do I look?

-The, erm...

-The...

Wha... Oh, yeah.

Divine, Sir.

Thank you very much. In that case, it's show time.

BUZZING

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Now please welcome your host. He's...'

TANNOY BUZZES

'(It's not working. I don't know...)'

BUZZING

'(It was fine this afternoon.)'

'Now, please...'

CRACKLES 'Oh, get stuffed!'

'(Oh, no, it's working.) It's the guv'nor!'

APPLAUSE

Who's the guv'nor?

ALL: You're the guv'nor!

Fantastic to see you. Are you ready for some Freedom Show fun?

ALL: Yes!

One act will go free from the Slammer and you will decide who.

We've got some fabulous performing prisoners today.

We've got Duo Full House. Ooooh!

Very unusual act.

We've got a marvellous act, a flipping good act.

They go up in the air. They're wonderful. They're Kis Faludy.

And an unlucky chap called Jimmy Jinx.

ALL: Whooooo!

To kick us off, please welcome Andy Gebhardt!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on. This show's over.

Round of applause for Andy Gebhardt.

Good stuff, eh? Good, wasn't it?

But is it good enough to go free? Let's find out.

Right then. Coming to you first, Miss.

Did that act twirl your baton?

Yes. It looked like the sticks were magnetic.

How d'you do?

-Very well.

-Good. You're not related to Mr Burgess?

-Nope.

-You talk a bit like him.

Did you like that act?

-Brilliant, Sir.

-He called me Sir.

Just like Mr Burgess. Let's borrow Gimbert's hat. Try that.

Do your Mr Burgess impression.

Good day, Sir.

LAUGHTER

We could have you instead of Mr Burgess.

Good idea. Mr Burgess, you're fired!

-What about you?

-The part with two sticks was great.

-That impressed you?

-Yeah.

-You don't want to see the others?

-No.

GIGGLING

Right, up you get. Off you go.

For one final word to sum that act up, Miss?

Amazing.

Amazing, Sir!

Your views on Andy Gebhardt. Will he go free? Too early to say.

All set then, Jimmy?

I am raring to go.

Shhhh.

JIMMY COUGHS LOUDLY

Do you mind?

We're trying to do a Freedom Show.

Some people, I don't know.

The next prisoners, a sensational act.

They juggle, play the piano. They're masterful on the keys of the piano.

But will they win the keys to the Slammer?

You decide as you enjoy and appreciate

Duo Full House!

CHEERING

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC

Thank you.

-There's more.

-Oh, there's more. I'm sorry. I forgot. Are you sure?

What was the p...?

LAUGHTER

Ah, ah, ah, ow. Ooh.

Are you OK?

Wonderful... Wonderful.

CLATTER

-All right, the show is over.

-Wait a second.

The show must go on.

-It must go on.

-I fix it for you.

-You fixed it?

-Yes.

-All right.

It's time for classical music.

A very difficult piece.

CRACKS HIS FINGERS

-ALL: Ohhhhh.

-Are you OK?

Chopin wrote this piece for only nine fingers.

Don't need this one.

DRAMATIC PIANO MUSIC

GIGGLING

-This is ridiculous.

-Now what?

I'm an American. Back home, the pianos are bigger.

I'm sorry about this.

LAUGHTER

It's much more comfortable down here. I'm gonna stay down here.

Mozart.

MUSIC: SONATA IN C K545

APPLAUSE

Oh, let's have a big round of applause for Duo Full House.

What did you think of Duo Full House?

Duo Full House there. Duo, meaning two.

Full House... A bingo expression. Miss?

Amazing, hilarious, silly, excellent, clever, weird and stupid.

And you've drawn a flow chart to signify that. Show it to everybody.

There you go, everything there.

-Did they do enough to be released?

-I don't know yet.

What did you think of Duo Full House?

They have real potential.

My favourite part was when he hit his head and played on the floor.

Did you like Duo Full House?

Yep. I think the man played really good on the piano,

especially when he threw the balls at the same time.

Score out of ten?

Er, I'd say four.

Four out of ten?! Not very high.

-Not the best one yet.

-Hedging his bets.

And for one final word, Miss?

Breathtaking.

-Breathtaking.

-That was Duo Full House and your opinions on them.

< Now onto our next performing prisoners...

Don't stand under a ladder. It's well unlucky.

-You're right. Thanks, Pete.

-That's all right.

Please welcome Kis Faludy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ROCK MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Big cheer for Kis Faludy.

Kis Faludy. Have they kissed goodbye to freedom?

Kis Faludy. Was it any good?

It was the best so far.

-And?

-They should go to freedom.

Did you prefer the little or big fella?

The little fella.

Why, Sir?

-He did most of the act.

-You're saying the big fella does nothing.

He just jumped down.

"He just jumped down." This is why they need to stay here.

Yeah.

-What did you think of them?

-It was flipping awesome.

Could they improve?

Erm, yeah, the bigger man doing a bit more.

He gives all the weight to the little fella.

-The little fella couldn't make the big fella jump up.

-No.

Have they done enough?

-Yeah.

-OK, jolly good.

One final word. Miss?

-Erm, I think it was the best...

-Oh, here we go.

-I think it was the best...

-What did I just say?

One final word, Miss.

-Fantastic.

-Fantastic.

Got there in the end. Thank you.

You've seen three acts. Have you enjoyed them?

ALL: Yes!

We have one more performing prisoner to see and he's very unlucky.

Jimmy, you're on.

Right-o. Now that is bad luck. I've only locked myself in!

Jimmy!

Sorry, sorry.

He's called Jimmy Jinx. He's doing 13 years in the Slammer.

If it wasn't for bad luck, he'd have no luck at all.

The unlucky, the unfortunate, Jimmy Jinx!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sorry!

Sorry.

Thank you.

# I can't believe That I'm on the Freedom Show

# I'm gonna tell you all A little tale of woe

# You won't believe your ears, oh!

# You can't imagine The run of luck I've had

# None of it good, all of it bad

# It's been worse Than Britney Spears... #

Come on!

# Oh, look at me... #

All together!

# Mr Unlucky... # Come on!

# Oh, my luck stinks... # Phwoar.

# They call me Jimmy the Jinx... #

Here we go.

# They say look at him... # Sorry, sorry.

# Unlucky Jim... # Yeah!

# How my heart sinks

# When they call me Jimmy the Jinx

# When I catch a bus The bus catches fire

# When I catch a train The train bursts a tyre

# "You're jinxed, Jimmy", Says my wife... #

Na-na-na-na-na.

# If I see the Queen I'll have a coughing fit

# If I ride a roller coaster There'll be nowhere to sit

# I'll have to hang on For my life... #

Watch out! Come on.

# Oh, look at me

# Mr Unlucky

# Oh, my luck stinks

-# They call me...

-# Jimmy the Jinx... #

That's the one, that's my name. # They say, "Look at him"

# Unlucky Jim

# Yes, my heart sinks

# When they call me Jimmy the Jinx... #

That's the one. Here we go!

That's it. HARMONICA CONTINUES

Rock'n'roll!

Ooh, sorry! Sorry!

Oh, dear. Anyone for ice cream?

Jimmy Jinx, is he lucky enough to go free? Let's find out.

Has he done enough to be released?

Yes.

Why?

Because he was really silly and keeps falling over.

You're easily pleased. Do you like that?

People being generally silly and falling over?

Mmm-hmm.

Right.

Ooh!

LAUGHTER

-Was that funny?

-Yep.

Jolly good.

-What score did you give?

-Ten out of ten.

What was the best bit?

-When he put his foot in the shaving cream.

-You liked that.

All that talent... Sticks his foot in a bucket and gets your vote.

-Yeah.

-Jolly good.

For one final word... Sir?

-I thought it was very...

-That's not a final word.

Erm, funny.

Let's do that again.

For one final word... Sir?

-Hilarious.

-You're changing it!

-What do you want? Funny or hilarious?

-Hilarious.

Let's do it again then. One final word.

Erm...

Now you're thinking about something else!

Which one are you going with?

-Hilarious.

-Let's do it again then.

One final word?

Hilarious.

Well done, Sir.

There we are. Four performing prisoner acts.

Your opinions on all of them. One opinion counts.

That's the one recorded on the Clap-o-meter!

The more you clap and cheer, the higher the score.

The person with the highest score goes free.

Let's welcome them back.

Andy Gebhardt!

Duo Full House!

Kis Faludy!

And Jimmy Jinx!

There they are.

Marvellous.

Oh, yes.

Which of these various acts will be going free?

First, an unusual act. An act that "sticks" in the memory.

Will he go free? Let's hear it please for Andy Gebhardt!

Good score.

76 on the Clap-o-meter. Whoah!

Yeah, 76 for Andy Gebhardt.

Next, we had two very, very funny performers. Duo Full House!

Oooh, you just... Very close. It's more porridge for you two.

On to two very lively performers.

Your appreciation please for Kis Faludy!

What a noise!

What a score. Scorching into the lead.

83.9 on the Clap-o-meter.

They're in the lead.

Well, there's only one act that can go ahead of that now.

Let's hear it please for Jimmy Jinx!

I don't believe it.

He's... He's been pipped at the post.

He's unlucky again! Ahhh.

That means the winners, going free, leaping free, flipping free,

it's Kis Faludy!

CHEERING

You're free to go, guys.

Off you go with the warder.

Give them a big cheer.

Marvellous. Big round of applause for Kis Faludy.

CHEERING

They're going free.

For the other acts, it's back to the cells.

The good news is you're in time for tea with Mr Burgess.

What's for tea tonight?

Chef's doing a Hungarian dish called a "mushlik".

Ooh, a Hungarian dish. What's that in English?

Sloppy-ploppy porridge.

Oh, no! Take them back to the cells.

It's sloppy-ploppy porridge. Give them a big hand.

Well, that's it.

That's it, and remember, we're at the Slammer,

and if you don't make the audience yell...

ALL: You're back in the cell!

Join us soon for some more fun with all the gang on the Slammer. Bye!

Round of applause for all the acts!

# It's the only way You'll ever leave the Slammer! #

-Unlucky, Jimmy.

-Looks like I'll never get out of here now.

The only way you'd get out is if some idiot left the gate open.

Huh?

-Hmm...

-Hmm...

Ahhhh...

-Ohhh...

-Oh...

Hey hey hey!

CLANG

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

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