Episode 7 The Slammer


Episode 7

Entertainment show. The Slammer goes rollerskate crazy as auditions are held to find a skating act to perform on the Freedom Show. Will Melvin and Peter Nokio be in with a chance?


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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to the slammer Where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit To try and get released

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# So go fetch the audience Bring 'em to the slammer

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# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands So make 'em cheer and holler

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave the slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave the slammer. #

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Ah, breakfast. The most important meal of the day.

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Order from the Ministry, sir. Marked "important".

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Nothing's more important than breakfast!

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-Another one. Marked "More Important Than Breakfast".

-All right...

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Order one - all prisoners must watch the Weakest Link.

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Order two - special fried rice...?

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Order three - there must be a roller-skating act

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in the Freedom Show! Are they mad?!

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Yes, Uncle. I prefer Deal Or No Deal!

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-Don't have a roller-skating act.

-Orders are orders.

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We'll hold auditions to find the best roller skate act.

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The winner gets a place on the Freedom Show...

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along with the amazing Christopher,

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Duo Veslovski...

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Grim Baldy and the Bear.

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Now, I'm late for a meeting...

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..with this cream cake.

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BUZZING

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Order four, sir. "No more cream cakes, Chunky Bum."

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Gimme that...

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-The slammer's gone roller skate mad.

-Including me! Look at my skates!

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-Super-speedy boom-booms!

-OK, I'm the only one without any.

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Hey, Pete.

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The roller skate auditions are today. So guess what's in these?

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No way! That 37inch plasma TV we ordered!

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No. Roller skates. I swapped them for a few things we didn't need...

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We can enter the competition, win it, enter the Freedom Show,

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win that, get out the Slammer, then both get home!

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Wow, you make it sound easy!

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-Auditions are at three. What time is it?

-Six minutes past.

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We'll blag it. You've skated before, right?

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Not standing up...

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'It's day one on Britain's Got Wheels

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'and the auditions are about to start.'

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Excuse me, do you mind? We're trying to audition here!

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-Clear off.

-'Sorry.'

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-Honestly.

-Cheek.

-Now, are we ready? Let's start.

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What I'm looking for is a really sensational,

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exciting, roller-skating act.

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Someone to light up the Freedom Show.

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Yes, what I'm looking for is the very worst of roller skaters.

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Someone I can be nasty to.

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Well, what the, erm... Oh!

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What the...what the...

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What is that furry thing?

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We're looking for a star! We've found a lot of black holes.

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It's all part of the prison service.

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Right, well, let the auditions commence!

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Next...

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Next.

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Yeah... Yeah... No.

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Ha ha, yes. "Good" is not the word. "Rubbish" is the word!

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Next!

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Yes, I'd say I definitely, definitely...

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..need the loo.

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ALL: Next.

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Every single entrant, not one who could even stay upright.

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No roller skate act. The Ministry will sack us all!

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And look at the clock! Almost showtime!

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All we need is any idiot under the age of 90 who can skate!

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SIREN WAILS

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-Whoa!

-Whoa!

-Argh!

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-We're here for the auditions!

-Are we too late?

-Can you skate?

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-Of course!

-Well, it's yes from me.

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-Gimbert?

-Yes?

-Mr Burgess?

-World class.

-OK, you're in!

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BOTH: Yay... argh!

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-In that case, how do I look?

-ALL: Fine.

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Thank you. It's show time!

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'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer

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'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

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'Please welcome your host, keeping locked up once they're caught,

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'all the acts that have been naught...y

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'It's the Guv'nor!'

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Who's the guv'nor?

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AUDIENCE: You're the guv'nor!

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What jailers and jailbirds! What a fantastic audience!

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Remember, you'll decide who's going free.

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We've got a cracking good act, cowboy whip act Duo Veslovsky!

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AUDIENCE: Wooh!

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We've got an unusual act called Grim Baldy And The Bear.

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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And two prisoners on roller skates!

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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Now, convict connoisseurs, a sensational act for you.

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A puppet act with a difference, life-size.

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Serving nine months in the Noel Edmunds wing

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for impersonating a police officer, a fire chief and a Red Indian.

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Make some noise and give a warm welcome, jailers and jailbirds,

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to the Amazing Christopher!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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DISCO BEAT PLAYS

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# Body Wanna feel my Body

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# Body Such a thrill, my body

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# Body Wanna touch my body

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# Body Check it out, my body. #

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# Every man wants to be A macho, macho man

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# To have the kinda body Always in demand. #

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Hey! Hey!

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Hey! Hey! Hey!

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-# Macho, macho man

-Macho man

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# I've got to be A macho man

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# Macho, macho man

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# I've got to be A macho... #

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Ow!

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-# Macho, macho man

-Yeah

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# I've got to be a macho man

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-# Macho, macho man

-Hey, hey

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# I've got to be a macho... #

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NEW SONG BEGINS

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AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

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# Young man There's no need to feel down

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# I said young man Pick yourself off the ground

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# I said young man Cos you're in a new town

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# There's no need to be unhappy

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# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

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# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

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# They have everything for young men to enjoy

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# You can hang out with all the boys

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# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

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# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

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# You can get yourself cleaned You can have a good meal

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# You can do whatever you feel

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# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

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# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

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# Young man, young man There's no need to feel down

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# Young man, young man Pick yourself off the ground

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# Y-M-C-A! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, give him a big hand, jailers and jailbirds!

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The Amazing Christopher!

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Which one was he?!

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It's fun to stay at the YMCA but will he be staying here for longer?

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Let's find out.

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My wife Marjorie goes in for that sort of thing. I don't.

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-What about you?

-It was funny and very doolally.

-Doolally?

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-Like that word, doolally?

-Yeah. Tripped off the tongue rather nicely.

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-Say it again for me.

-Doolally.

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-And again.

-Doolally.

-Again.

-Doolally.

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-Think you're doolally?

-No!

-Am I?

-Yes!

-Thank you.

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The Amazing Christopher. Was he amazing?

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-It was awesome. He should go free.

-He should go free?

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-Should we let the other fellows free too?

-Yeah, OK.

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-Who's your favourite?

-The middle one.

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Yeah, he was a bit more animated.

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-Miss, Y...?

-It was...

-..M-C-A! Oh!

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It was really hilarious cos it was, like, outrageous.

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The costumes were great and the puppets were lifelike.

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When he moved they all moved in time.

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One word. That's all I'm looking for. Miss?

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-I enjoyed the music...

-That's not one word, is it?

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One word every week. You know the rules.

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-Music.

-Music, sir!

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Will the Amazing Christopher dance out of the Slammer?

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On to a cracking good act now.

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They're serving three and a half years in the Shane Richie section

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and are doing it for WHIPPING other people's acts.

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Please welcome Duo Veslovsky!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: "Cotton Eye Joe" by Rednex

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's hear it for them! Take them away. My word!

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Do not even think of trying that very dangerous act.

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They've years of practice.

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But will they spend years in the Slammer?

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Let's have a WHIP round and see.

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In the words of Annie Oakley, "Whip crack away, whip crack...away."

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I like how they used the whips in different ways.

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Like the other act, perfectly executed.

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-Were they a CRACKING good act?

-That was probably the best act I've seen,

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because it was so dangerous and accurate.

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-I think it's important to be accurate, don't you?

-Yeah.

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Or you'd end with a shorter nose than you started.

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-Miss?

-It was loud and exciting.

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I liked it when she stood on his shoulders spinning the whip round.

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-Have they paid their debt to society?

-Yeah.

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Tell us all about them.

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It was entertaining cos the outfit was funky and funny.

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One final word?

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-Amazing.

-Amazing, sir!

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Whoa, will the whip crack aways be cracking away?

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You will decide later on with the clap-o-meter.

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On to a very unusual act.

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-Whoa...!

-I've never skated before, Melvin. What we gonna do?

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-We'll have to make up some moves, we're on in a minute.

-Like what?!

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-Erm... I'll spin you around.

-Spin, right. Spin. good.

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-Oh, yeah. Great(!) Then I'll chuck up on your skates!

-Oh, shut up!

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Right, come on. Spin. Go.

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Whoa... No, Melvin!

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-Argh!

-Argh!

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Normally we don't have animal acts in the Slammer.

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We make an exception for Gimbert.

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We have a very unusual double act now...

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BOTH: Argh...!

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A gentleman back to the old circus days,

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and a bear but not a normal bear,

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called Grim Baldy and the Bear.

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ALARM BELLS RING

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BOTH: Whoa! Argh!

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CLANG!

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BIRDS TWEET

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That's one way.

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They're serving four and a half years in the Les Dawson section

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and they're doing it, jailers and jailbirds,

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as Grim Baldy and the Bear!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Rargh! Grrr!

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Rargh! Rargh!

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Ladies and gentlemen, I am the great Grim Baldy.

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Trapped within this cage lies Bruin The Brutal,

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the amazing performing bear.

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See as the savage beast is tamed by the sweet power of music.

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Forth, Bruin, forth!

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Rargh! Rargh! Grrr!

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Pick a card, any card.

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Don't show me. That's it. Lovely.

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Now look at it and show it to people but don't show Bruin.

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What are you doing?!

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I'm a performing bear.

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Now just put it back in the pack...

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-Don't show me. Anywhere you like. Put it back.

-But... But...

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They want to see a dancing bear! Dance for them!

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I just thought it could be better. You know, Freedom Show day...

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Your card will magically appear!

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-Back in the box!

-It'll be brilliant, you'll love it!

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..or no more honey!

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No more honey?

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GIGGLING

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-AUDIENCE: Aw!

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-Don't pander to him!

-I'm not a panda! I'm a bear!

-Get in there!

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Ladies and gentlemen, Bruin the dancing bear.

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Rargh! Rargh!

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Grrr!

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What?! What?!

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Oh, yes, you've got the idea now!

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Oh, you're cutting some funky shapes, yes!

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Show them your stuff! Oooh!

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Oh, yes! MC Bruin takes it to the max.

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Show them your bare chest.

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-That's my BEAR chest!

-One for the ladies there!

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Fantastic, you great clumsy oaf!

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-You look ridiculous!

-May I have this dance?

-Of course!

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Whoa! Ooh...

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Argh!

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CLANG!

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-Oh, I'm stuck!

-Yeah? How do you like it?

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Now, where was I?

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Do you remember your card? Don't tell me! Don't tell me!

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Was that your card?

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The two of pants...bums....clubs! Two of clubs!

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Argh! POP!

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Now, pull your pants up! You look ridiculous.

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You're embarrassing us.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I be Bruin, the amazing performing bear.

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This has been Grim Baldy. Good night!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Just thought I'd get in a jail cell to see what it's like.

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Ooh. I don't know, what did you think?

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We should give them six months for being BEAR in a public place!

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Mr Burgess, over to you.

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Was that quality comedy entertainment or just two grown men mucking about?

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The performance was unusual.

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-In what way, sir? Unusual unfunny?

-Yes.

-So, keep 'em in?

-Yes.

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-Extend their sentence, sir?

-Yes, to 300 years.

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-300 years?!

-Yes.

-A bit harsh but I like your style, sir!

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Did you like Grim Baldy and the Bear?

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I liked when he got his head stuck in the bars.

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-Did you find that hilarious and entertaining, miss?

-Yes.

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I liked when he showed his pants at the end. It was funny.

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Sum that act up in one final word, miss.

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-Fantastic!

-Fantastic, sir.

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Will Grim Baldy and the Bear be going free, who knows?

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Now a change to the programme here.

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Something a bit unusual here in the Slammer.

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You know we've got some marvellous performing prisoners...

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A prob... A problem?

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We've got a small technical problem, jailers and jailbirds.

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While I sort things out, a little musical interlude now.

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At the organ, yes, there we are. The magical genius of Gimbert.

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Play something they like. Right...

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GIMBERT PLAYS ORGAN

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Keep playing!

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Attention everyone...whoa, stairs...

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We've had a slight problem with one of the acts.

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Can any of you do an eye-popping, death defying roller-skating act?

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You? Again?! All right. Get your skates on!

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Skates on, haha!

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All right. Gimbert...yeah.

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You can stop now.

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Gimbert...shut up and get off!

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Go on, take that with you! Clear off!

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Thank you very much!

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Now for the first time, a very special event,

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a chance for a performing prisoner to appear twice.

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You saw them cracking the whip,

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this time they're getting on their skates.

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Please welcome the roller-skating Veslovskis!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, wonderful!

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There we are! Give 'em a chance there!

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Give 'em a big round of applause, jailers and jailbirds!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Most importantly, do not try that even if you've got your own skates!

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They've practised for years.

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After that wonderful performance, will it be a case of,

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from the Slammer, clear off-ski to Veslovski

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or will it be "Sorry, mate. You weren't that great!"

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We'll find out with Mr Burgess.

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Right then, miss. Your thoughts on that act?

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It was amazing! I liked the lifts cos they were daring and good.

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-Enough danger for you, miss?

-Yeah.

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-Would you like to see more danger?

-No, I think it was good as it was.

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-They got the danger just right?

-Yeah.

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-I got dizzy just watching that act, did you?

-Amazing, the best one yet.

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It's great how they skate so fast swinging round at the same time.

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-You gave it a score?

-Ten out of ten.

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-They're skating free?

-Yeah.

0:23:470:23:49

What about you, miss?

0:23:490:23:51

To do just one act and execute it perfectly is brill

0:23:510:23:56

but to do two and make them both amazing is really hard.

0:23:560:24:00

They are performing twice. They'll get your vote?

0:24:000:24:04

-Definitely.

-For the roller-skating, not the whipping?

-Yes.

0:24:040:24:08

Right.

0:24:080:24:10

Just the one...

0:24:100:24:12

..on my say so...

0:24:120:24:14

Eyes front and centre.

0:24:140:24:16

Are you ready?

0:24:170:24:19

-Go!

-Immense.

0:24:190:24:21

Immense, sir!

0:24:210:24:24

Ooh. Weren't they all good? Marvellous.

0:24:240:24:27

Now, jailers and jailbirds, it's time welcome them back...

0:24:270:24:32

all the performing prisoners!

0:24:320:24:34

CHEERING

0:24:340:24:35

The Amazing Christopher...

0:24:350:24:38

Duo Veslovski...

0:24:380:24:39

Grim Baldy and the Bear...

0:24:390:24:42

and the roller-skating stars. Well!

0:24:420:24:45

Ooh. A little unusual this week

0:24:450:24:47

but only one act can go free from the Slammer,

0:24:470:24:50

their debt to society and showbusiness paid.

0:24:500:24:54

But who will it be? We will find out with the aid of this.

0:24:540:24:58

The Clap-o-meter.

0:24:580:25:00

The louder the noise you make, the higher the score.

0:25:000:25:04

The highest score goes free.

0:25:040:25:06

Who will it be? First you saw him and his friends.

0:25:060:25:09

I'm sure you'll give him a great, big welcome

0:25:090:25:13

as you make some noise for the Amazing Christopher!

0:25:130:25:17

CHEERING

0:25:170:25:18

Ooh, look at that score! 83.6

0:25:230:25:25

Wonderful. You didn't have many reservations about him, did you?

0:25:250:25:31

Anyway, we move on now to a sensational whip-cracking act.

0:25:310:25:35

They were wonderful. Do you think so?

0:25:350:25:38

Give it up and make some noise for the Duo Veslovski!

0:25:380:25:42

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:420:25:45

Oh! Look at the score... Great scoring here!

0:25:470:25:50

Cracking good stuff. 86...oh, they're in the lead!

0:25:500:25:54

They're in the lead, 86.3

0:25:540:25:56

Right. At the moment they'll be going free.

0:25:560:25:59

But who will it be next?

0:25:590:26:01

I've never seen an act quite as nutty as this. Did you enjoy them?

0:26:010:26:05

Grim Baldy and the Bear!

0:26:050:26:07

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:070:26:09

Oh, it's just 76.4

0:26:130:26:15

Well, you can have some honey on your porridge when you stay with us.

0:26:150:26:20

For the first time we allowed someone to have another go

0:26:200:26:24

because of problems with Melvin and Peter.

0:26:240:26:27

They were sensational, they stepped in at the last minute.

0:26:270:26:31

What did you think of the Veslovski Rollerskaters?

0:26:310:26:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:350:26:36

Oh, wow! They've blown us away!

0:26:360:26:39

Whoa, it's blown us away there! Sensational score. Look at that!

0:26:390:26:43

92.8. That means, they're going free! They're going free!

0:26:430:26:48

Give them a big cheer! Off you go then, you're free to go!

0:26:480:26:52

Give them a big round of applause jailers and jailbirds! Yes.

0:26:520:26:57

It means the rest of them are staying with us

0:26:570:27:00

but the good news is, you can have supper.

0:27:000:27:03

-Oh, Mr Burgess. What's for supper?

-Chef's written it down for me, sir.

0:27:030:27:07

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge, sir!

-Not again!

0:27:070:27:11

We'll see you again soon for more fun on the Slammer.

0:27:110:27:14

From all the gang, bye-bye, everybody. Bye!

0:27:140:27:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:180:27:20

Subtitles by Ross Mills Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:260:27:29

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:290:27:32

WHIP!

0:27:490:27:51

Now that's what I call WHIPPED cream!

0:27:510:27:54

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