Episode 6 The Slammer

KLAXON SOUNDS

# You've been found guilty Of a howlin' showbiz crime

# So welcome to the Slammer

# Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel

# Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience

# Bring them to the Slammer

# Polish up your act

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands

# So make 'em cheer and clap

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

-# Leave the Slammer

-It's the only way you'll ever leave

# The Slammer! #

Ri-i-ight! Time for bed, you horrible lot!

Yes, nighty-nighty, everyone.

So, Frank, who's in tomorrow's Freedom Show?

-We've got the Ladder Man.

-Oh, he's going up in the world.

Very good, sir. There's Gerry Phillips, the musical 'and trumper.

SQUEEZES THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM

Phew, don't light a match, Mr Burgess.

It's disgusting, sir.

There's Douglas Lee and his glass harp.

HE PLAYS A HIGH, EERIE MELODY

His glasses are always half-full. I love a positive thinker.

Frank, where's Andrea Alton, the amazing aerial performer?

-She's already asleep, sir.

-Best leave her where she is, Frank.

LULLABY PLAYS

Nokio, get yourself in that cell now.

-Mr Burgess, w-w-we're scared.

-Captain Burgess, we're scared!

Scary, scary Mary! Strange flashing lights in the sky.

Strange flashing lights in the sky?

Last night, there was something hovering over the prison.

Aliens! They'll abduct us all!

Now, Titch... Oh, er...Peter, this is a prison.

It's impossible for you to get out,

-and it's difficult for anyone else to get in.

-Like imaginary aliens!

-But the light...

-Get in there, lad!

Oh!

He's got quite an imagination, that lad.

OWL HOOTS

I'm convinced those flashing lights are a UFO, Titch.

Stop saying that, you turkey!

Those googly-eyed aliens, they freak me out, man! A-a-ah!

Pete, will you please go to sleep?

STRANGE THROBBING HUM

Melvin, come and look.

-They're getting closer.

-What is that?

I don't know, but it's coming out of...

BOTH: Wa-a-a-ah!

See any little spaceships last night, did we?

-Spaceships? I don't know what you're talking about.

-I slept really well.

Mm.

THEY GRUNT

THEY GOBBLE

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Mr Burgess, there's something odd today with Melvin and Pete.

There's always something odd about them. Why's today different?

Melvin? Pete?

Nokio! Odoom!

-Are you talking to us?

-Of course I'm talking to you idiots.

What's with all the strange behaviour?

Right! Governor's office, now!

Nice flower!

Behaving a little strangely.

-This is tasty. Do you fancy a bite?

-I don't like it.

-They're up to something. It won't work!

-Hang on a sec!

Maybe they're not themselves!

What if Melvin and Pete have been abducted by aliens?

THEY LAUGH

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!

It is a bit silly, even for me.

Hold on a minute.

THEY YELL

THEY SCREAM

I don't believe it! Melvin and Peter have been replaced by aliens!

What have you done, you slimy, green...?

THEY SPEAK AN ALIEN LANGUAGE

HE REPLIES IN THEIR LANGUAGE

THEY LAUGH

What kind of silly language is that then?

It's Yurginalian, Mr Burgess. Spoken on Planet Yurg.

-You speak Yurginalian, Jeremy?

-Apparently.

HE SPEAKS YURGINALIAN

..Melvin?

They say they're holding Peter and Melvin captive

on their space saucer...

Ah! They will release them, but they have demands.

Demands? I'll give them demands!

ELECTRIC CRACKLE

Carry on.

HE SPEAKS YURGINALIAN

They want a life-sized cut-out of Sarah from Girls Aloud...

Good choice.

THEY SPEAK YURGINALIAN

-..a signed photo of the Chuckle Brothers and a mackerel.

-Deal!

-What was it like on the space saucer?

-Space saucer?

-What?

-Don't tell me you've forgotten!

-I feel weird.

I remember falling asleep in my cell.

You're back just in time for the Freedom Show!

THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY

-They're saying they'd like to stay and watch the show.

-No problem!

So, how do I look?

THEY CHATTER ADMIRINGLY

Thank you very much!

In that case, it's show time!

Ladies and gentlemen,

and beings from another planet!

Welcome to HM Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

Now, please welcome your host - he's a really smashing fella,

and his prison's inter-stellar!

It's...the Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who's the Governor? ALL:

-You're the Governor!

You're marvellous jailers and jailbirds!

Ready for sensational entertainment?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

We've got some sensational performing prisoners.

We've got an act that defies description.

A very handy act, Gerry Phillips!

-ALL:

-Ooh!

We've got a marvellous aerial performer, called Andrea Alton.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

We've got a gentleman who's a classy, glassy act - Douglas Lee!

-ALL:

-O-o-o-oh!

But right now, to kick off the Freedom Show today,

we've got a man who's going right up in the world,

because he's a ladder act. He performs on a ladder.

He's serving 16 months for giving RUNG information to the police!

Will you please, jailers and jailbirds, welcome...

the Ladder Man!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

PIANO PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we are, yes! Give him a big hand there.

Brilliant! Whoa!

Whatever you do, don't try that on your ladder at home!

What about everybody else? Is the Ladder Man going over the wall?

Let's ask Mr Burgess.

It reminded me I must get the ladders out and paper the bedroom.

-What did you think?

-He did really well on his hands,

cos he went on top of the ladder.

-And?

-And it was really cool.

-You enjoyed it?

-Yes, I did.

-What about you?

I liked it when he balanced on the ladder and done tricks.

Did you enjoy it?

I enjoyed it very much. The stunt was mind-blowing,

-and I want his job.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Anything to say on that, sir?

HE SPEAKS IN YURGINALIAN

Oh, really? Thank you very much.

And, for one final word to sum that act up. Sir?

Fantastic.

Fantastic, sir.

Well, there's your views on the Ladder Man. Will he go free?

Three more prisoners to see.

The next act's hard to describe. He makes noises with his hands.

PFFRT! Know what I mean? Yes!

He's serving 4.5 years in the Basil Brush Wing here,

all on trumped-up charges, will you please welcome Gerry Philips!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Mexican Hat Dance

HE REPLICATES THE TUNE WITH HIS HANDS

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

# I see a little Silhouette-o of a man

# Scaramouche, scaramouche Will you do the fandango

# Thunderbolt and lightning Very, very frightening me

-# Galileo

-Galileo

-# Galileo

-Galileo

-# Galileo, Figaro

-Magnifico-o-o-o-o

# I'm just a poor boy Nobody loves me

# He's just a poor boy From a poor family

# Spare him his life From this monstrosity... #

MUSIC: The Can-Can

MUSIC: "The Slammer" Theme Tune

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My word! Let's hear some applause for Gerry Philips!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He shook hands with me, I said, "How dare you?!"

He can blow a raspberry with his mitts!

What did you think of it? Unusual, but enough to go free?

Now. Entertainment?

Incredible. I've never heard anything like it.

-Did you enjoy it?

-Yeah.

-You like that sort of filth?

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-Strange young lady. What about you?

It was noisy, and I'm glad he didn't do it with his bottom.

-That he what?

-That he didn't do it with his bottom.

-I think we all are!

His job is so wicked, he must love it. But he must hate it in here.

-Yeah. You're quite a deep thinker, aren't you?

-Yes.

-Quite a philosopher.

-Thank you.

-LAUGHTER

-OK.

What type of act is he?

-Hysterical man.

-Hysterical man, mm. Mm.

I thought it was funny,

but I'm not sure all the noises were from his hands.

You think they may have been ruminating from below?

-Maybe.

-Maybe.

The sloppy, ploppy porridge we serve here tends to do that.

-LAUGHTER

-And for a final word - Miss?

-Cool!

-Cool, sir!

PFFRT! PFFRT! PFFRT!

I still can't do it. Now, there's more to come.

Now, this next lady is a sensation. She's an aerial performer,

and she's serving four-and-a-half years

in the Bob Monkhouse section of the Slammer,

for fiddling with aerials. She got a bad reception from the court!

But she's a great performer. Please welcome, jailers and jailbirds,

-Andrea Alton!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Andrea Alton, let's hear it for her, convict connoisseurs!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Marvellous!

She was marvellous. Did she do enough to go free?

Will she fly high or go back down into the cells?

Let's find out, with Mr Burgess.

CHEERING

I thought I was a goner there for a minute. Right.

Did you enjoy the act, sir?

She was good, but I'm not sure she'll win.

-Do you mean she should not be let back into society, sir?

-Well...yeah.

-Was that your type of act?

-It was amazing

when she hung on by her foot and hand. She must be strong.

And at the end, she went round and round.

-She must be dizzy.

-Good though?

-Yeah.

Have you anything constructive to say?

THEY CHATTER

Oh... Hold on, hold on... Gimbert!

-Yes, Mr Burgess? Here, sir.

-What are these two saying?

THEY CHATTER

-They liked her hat.

-That's it?!

-Oh, yes.

-They liked her hat?!

-They loved it!

Thank you, gentlemen, how very constructive(!)

That was amazing, fantastic, brilliant and superb.

-Not enough good words(!) Think of a few more.

-Magnificent.

-OK!

-And your final word?

-Confused?

-Conf... What?!

-Confused.

-About what?!

I'm just muddled up! She's dizzy!

About life in general? Do you not know where your life's going, sir?

-Have you ever thought of a career in the prison service?

-No!

That's a shame. Think it over. Confused, sir.

Now, this next act is sensational. It's a real class act.

In fact, it's a class glass act. I can't describe it,

so I won't. Jailers and jailbirds, please welcome Douglas Lee!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS A LIVELY TUNE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS "AXEL F"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm gonna do something a bit different, so cue the band!

BAND STRIKES UP

HE PLAYS "WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN"

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's hear some noise for Douglas Lee, jailers and jailbirds!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Come on! Marvellous.

A very classy, glassy, glassy, classy act.

But will he cut the mustard?

Will he be raising a glass and saying, "Cheers!"? Let's find out.

-Go on, sir.

-That was astonishing, but what was up with his hair?

What was up with his hair indeed, sir. What would you do to it?

-Cut it.

-Cut it? Right off?

-Could you describe that, Miss?

-Mad and wonderful, like his hair.

I know. He's from America, he certainly looks

like he's been in a few states!

LAUGHTER

-What about you, miss?

-It was a bit boring to start,

-but then the tunes got better. And I loved his hair.

-You liked it?

-Yes.

-Anything you'd like to do to re-style it?

-Um...

-No!

-Jazz it up a little bit?

-No.

What about the costume? Too many scarves?

-Yeah.

-You'd lose some?

-Yeah. LAUGHTER

It was amazing how he could

make all the pitches and all... with the different cups.

-The pitches?

-Yes.

-You know about music, pitching the notes!

-Are you musical?

-Erm... Kind of...!

-Yes.

Gentlemen, could you sum that act up for us in one final word?

-BABBLES: A-fo-wah!

-"A-fo-wah!", sir...!

What tremendous performers. Now, the moment of truth.

Welcome them back to the stage of the Slammer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladder Man, Gerry Phillips, Andrea Alton and Douglas Lee!

Four very individual acts

giving meaning to the word variety in the Slammer.

We like variety. But which one will be going free?

You decide, my convict connoisseurs, with the aid of this.

-The clap-o-meter.

-FANFARE PLAYS

In all its glory. The higher the noise you make,

the bigger the score the convicted convict gets. OK?

First was a very unusual act, with just a rose and a ladder.

Will he go over the wall? Let's hear it for the Ladder Man!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right there, Gimbert, a good score, 88.9, very good, very good.

That's good, that's good. Will it be enough? Who knows...

Next, well... An act that was full of fun and trumpery,

will you please show your appreciation -

using your hands only - and some noise, for Gerry Phillips!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, dear! A bad wind blowing for Gerry, there, just 74 points.

You're staying with us another night or week or two! Well,

a high-flying performer next.

She raised the expectations of the Slammer.

Will she go free? Let's see, when you decide on Andrea Alton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

90! A score bang on 90 for Andrea! That takes her into the lead, yes!

At the moment there, as you see, in third position,

it's Mr Phillips, then the Ladder Man, and Andrea's in the lead.

One more performing prisoner to see, you heard him, very unusual,

mixed about his hair, his music was great.

What did you think of Douglas Lee?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Close, oh, close!

Very close! Going free, it's Andrea Alton with a score of 90!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give her a big hand, jailers and jailbirds, she's free! Free to go!

That means the rest of them are staying with us for another night,

but the good news is you're in time for supper. What's for supper?

-Porridge, sir, served in a very special way.

-What's the special way?

-Sloppily and ploppily, sir!

-Oh! Take 'em down, Mr Burgess!

Give them a round of applause. Remember, that's it from us,

join us for some more fun in the Slammer!

If you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

ALL: Don't do the crime!

See you, jailers and jailbirds, bye-bye, everybody, bye-bye!

# It's the only way You'll ever leave the Slammer! #

WHOOSH!

Safe journey home. If you leave now you should just miss the traffic.

Glad to see the back of those aliens, Mr Burgess?

-Absolutely, sir.

-Let's get the kettle on.

-Coming, Uncle.