Episode 6 The Slammer


Episode 6

Children's comedy show. Melvin and Pete get abducted by aliens and are held captive on a UFO. On the Freedom Show, four more unique acts compete to be released from the Slammer.


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Transcript


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KLAXON SOUNDS

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# You've been found guilty Of a howlin' showbiz crime

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# So welcome to the Slammer

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# Where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel

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# Entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit to try and get released

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# So go fetch the audience

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# Bring them to the Slammer

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# Polish up your act

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# With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands

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# So make 'em cheer and clap

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

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-# Leave the Slammer

-It's the only way you'll ever leave

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# The Slammer! #

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Ri-i-ight! Time for bed, you horrible lot!

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Yes, nighty-nighty, everyone.

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So, Frank, who's in tomorrow's Freedom Show?

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-We've got the Ladder Man.

-Oh, he's going up in the world.

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Very good, sir. There's Gerry Phillips, the musical 'and trumper.

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SQUEEZES THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM

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Phew, don't light a match, Mr Burgess.

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It's disgusting, sir.

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There's Douglas Lee and his glass harp.

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HE PLAYS A HIGH, EERIE MELODY

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His glasses are always half-full. I love a positive thinker.

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Frank, where's Andrea Alton, the amazing aerial performer?

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-She's already asleep, sir.

-Best leave her where she is, Frank.

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LULLABY PLAYS

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Nokio, get yourself in that cell now.

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-Mr Burgess, w-w-we're scared.

-Captain Burgess, we're scared!

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Scary, scary Mary! Strange flashing lights in the sky.

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Strange flashing lights in the sky?

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Last night, there was something hovering over the prison.

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Aliens! They'll abduct us all!

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Now, Titch... Oh, er...Peter, this is a prison.

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It's impossible for you to get out,

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-and it's difficult for anyone else to get in.

-Like imaginary aliens!

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-But the light...

-Get in there, lad!

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Oh!

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He's got quite an imagination, that lad.

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OWL HOOTS

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I'm convinced those flashing lights are a UFO, Titch.

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Stop saying that, you turkey!

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Those googly-eyed aliens, they freak me out, man! A-a-ah!

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Pete, will you please go to sleep?

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STRANGE THROBBING HUM

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Melvin, come and look.

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-They're getting closer.

-What is that?

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I don't know, but it's coming out of...

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BOTH: Wa-a-a-ah!

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See any little spaceships last night, did we?

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-Spaceships? I don't know what you're talking about.

-I slept really well.

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Mm.

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THEY GRUNT

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THEY GOBBLE

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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Mr Burgess, there's something odd today with Melvin and Pete.

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There's always something odd about them. Why's today different?

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Melvin? Pete?

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Nokio! Odoom!

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-Are you talking to us?

-Of course I'm talking to you idiots.

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What's with all the strange behaviour?

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Right! Governor's office, now!

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Nice flower!

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Behaving a little strangely.

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-This is tasty. Do you fancy a bite?

-I don't like it.

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-They're up to something. It won't work!

-Hang on a sec!

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Maybe they're not themselves!

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What if Melvin and Pete have been abducted by aliens?

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THEY LAUGH

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That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!

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It is a bit silly, even for me.

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Hold on a minute.

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THEY YELL

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THEY SCREAM

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I don't believe it! Melvin and Peter have been replaced by aliens!

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What have you done, you slimy, green...?

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THEY SPEAK AN ALIEN LANGUAGE

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HE REPLIES IN THEIR LANGUAGE

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THEY LAUGH

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What kind of silly language is that then?

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It's Yurginalian, Mr Burgess. Spoken on Planet Yurg.

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-You speak Yurginalian, Jeremy?

-Apparently.

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HE SPEAKS YURGINALIAN

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..Melvin?

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They say they're holding Peter and Melvin captive

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on their space saucer...

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Ah! They will release them, but they have demands.

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Demands? I'll give them demands!

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ELECTRIC CRACKLE

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Carry on.

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HE SPEAKS YURGINALIAN

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They want a life-sized cut-out of Sarah from Girls Aloud...

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Good choice.

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THEY SPEAK YURGINALIAN

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-..a signed photo of the Chuckle Brothers and a mackerel.

-Deal!

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-What was it like on the space saucer?

-Space saucer?

-What?

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-Don't tell me you've forgotten!

-I feel weird.

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I remember falling asleep in my cell.

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You're back just in time for the Freedom Show!

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THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY

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-They're saying they'd like to stay and watch the show.

-No problem!

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So, how do I look?

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THEY CHATTER ADMIRINGLY

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Thank you very much!

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In that case, it's show time!

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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and beings from another planet!

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Welcome to HM Slammer,

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where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

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Now, please welcome your host - he's a really smashing fella,

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and his prison's inter-stellar!

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It's...the Governor!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Who's the Governor? ALL:

-You're the Governor!

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You're marvellous jailers and jailbirds!

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Ready for sensational entertainment?

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-ALL:

-Yeah!

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We've got some sensational performing prisoners.

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We've got an act that defies description.

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A very handy act, Gerry Phillips!

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-ALL:

-Ooh!

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We've got a marvellous aerial performer, called Andrea Alton.

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-ALL:

-Ooh!

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We've got a gentleman who's a classy, glassy act - Douglas Lee!

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-ALL:

-O-o-o-oh!

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But right now, to kick off the Freedom Show today,

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we've got a man who's going right up in the world,

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because he's a ladder act. He performs on a ladder.

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He's serving 16 months for giving RUNG information to the police!

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Will you please, jailers and jailbirds, welcome...

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the Ladder Man!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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PIANO PLAYS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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There we are, yes! Give him a big hand there.

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Brilliant! Whoa!

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Whatever you do, don't try that on your ladder at home!

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What about everybody else? Is the Ladder Man going over the wall?

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Let's ask Mr Burgess.

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It reminded me I must get the ladders out and paper the bedroom.

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-What did you think?

-He did really well on his hands,

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cos he went on top of the ladder.

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-And?

-And it was really cool.

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-You enjoyed it?

-Yes, I did.

-What about you?

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I liked it when he balanced on the ladder and done tricks.

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Did you enjoy it?

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I enjoyed it very much. The stunt was mind-blowing,

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-and I want his job.

-Really?

-Yeah.

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Anything to say on that, sir?

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HE SPEAKS IN YURGINALIAN

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Oh, really? Thank you very much.

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And, for one final word to sum that act up. Sir?

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Fantastic.

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Fantastic, sir.

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Well, there's your views on the Ladder Man. Will he go free?

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Three more prisoners to see.

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The next act's hard to describe. He makes noises with his hands.

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PFFRT! Know what I mean? Yes!

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He's serving 4.5 years in the Basil Brush Wing here,

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all on trumped-up charges, will you please welcome Gerry Philips!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: Mexican Hat Dance

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HE REPLICATES THE TUNE WITH HIS HANDS

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LAUGHTER

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MUSIC: "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

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# I see a little Silhouette-o of a man

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# Scaramouche, scaramouche Will you do the fandango

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# Thunderbolt and lightning Very, very frightening me

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-# Galileo

-Galileo

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-# Galileo

-Galileo

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-# Galileo, Figaro

-Magnifico-o-o-o-o

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# I'm just a poor boy Nobody loves me

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# He's just a poor boy From a poor family

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# Spare him his life From this monstrosity... #

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MUSIC: The Can-Can

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MUSIC: "The Slammer" Theme Tune

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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My word! Let's hear some applause for Gerry Philips!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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He shook hands with me, I said, "How dare you?!"

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He can blow a raspberry with his mitts!

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What did you think of it? Unusual, but enough to go free?

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Now. Entertainment?

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Incredible. I've never heard anything like it.

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-Did you enjoy it?

-Yeah.

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-You like that sort of filth?

-Yeah.

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-LAUGHTER

-Strange young lady. What about you?

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It was noisy, and I'm glad he didn't do it with his bottom.

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-That he what?

-That he didn't do it with his bottom.

-I think we all are!

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His job is so wicked, he must love it. But he must hate it in here.

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-Yeah. You're quite a deep thinker, aren't you?

-Yes.

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-Quite a philosopher.

-Thank you.

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-LAUGHTER

-OK.

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What type of act is he?

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-Hysterical man.

-Hysterical man, mm. Mm.

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I thought it was funny,

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but I'm not sure all the noises were from his hands.

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You think they may have been ruminating from below?

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-Maybe.

-Maybe.

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The sloppy, ploppy porridge we serve here tends to do that.

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-LAUGHTER

-And for a final word - Miss?

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-Cool!

-Cool, sir!

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PFFRT! PFFRT! PFFRT!

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I still can't do it. Now, there's more to come.

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Now, this next lady is a sensation. She's an aerial performer,

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and she's serving four-and-a-half years

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in the Bob Monkhouse section of the Slammer,

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for fiddling with aerials. She got a bad reception from the court!

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But she's a great performer. Please welcome, jailers and jailbirds,

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-Andrea Alton!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Andrea Alton, let's hear it for her, convict connoisseurs!

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Marvellous!

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She was marvellous. Did she do enough to go free?

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Will she fly high or go back down into the cells?

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Let's find out, with Mr Burgess.

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CHEERING

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I thought I was a goner there for a minute. Right.

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Did you enjoy the act, sir?

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She was good, but I'm not sure she'll win.

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-Do you mean she should not be let back into society, sir?

-Well...yeah.

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-Was that your type of act?

-It was amazing

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when she hung on by her foot and hand. She must be strong.

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And at the end, she went round and round.

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-She must be dizzy.

-Good though?

-Yeah.

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Have you anything constructive to say?

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THEY CHATTER

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Oh... Hold on, hold on... Gimbert!

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-Yes, Mr Burgess? Here, sir.

-What are these two saying?

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THEY CHATTER

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-They liked her hat.

-That's it?!

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-Oh, yes.

-They liked her hat?!

-They loved it!

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Thank you, gentlemen, how very constructive(!)

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That was amazing, fantastic, brilliant and superb.

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-Not enough good words(!) Think of a few more.

-Magnificent.

-OK!

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-And your final word?

-Confused?

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-Conf... What?!

-Confused.

-About what?!

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I'm just muddled up! She's dizzy!

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About life in general? Do you not know where your life's going, sir?

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-Have you ever thought of a career in the prison service?

-No!

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That's a shame. Think it over. Confused, sir.

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Now, this next act is sensational. It's a real class act.

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In fact, it's a class glass act. I can't describe it,

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so I won't. Jailers and jailbirds, please welcome Douglas Lee!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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HE PLAYS A LIVELY TUNE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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HE PLAYS "AXEL F"

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm gonna do something a bit different, so cue the band!

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BAND STRIKES UP

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HE PLAYS "WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN"

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AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's hear some noise for Douglas Lee, jailers and jailbirds!

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Come on! Marvellous.

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A very classy, glassy, glassy, classy act.

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But will he cut the mustard?

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Will he be raising a glass and saying, "Cheers!"? Let's find out.

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-Go on, sir.

-That was astonishing, but what was up with his hair?

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What was up with his hair indeed, sir. What would you do to it?

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-Cut it.

-Cut it? Right off?

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-Could you describe that, Miss?

-Mad and wonderful, like his hair.

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I know. He's from America, he certainly looks

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like he's been in a few states!

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LAUGHTER

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-What about you, miss?

-It was a bit boring to start,

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-but then the tunes got better. And I loved his hair.

-You liked it?

-Yes.

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-Anything you'd like to do to re-style it?

-Um...

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-No!

-Jazz it up a little bit?

-No.

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What about the costume? Too many scarves?

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-Yeah.

-You'd lose some?

-Yeah. LAUGHTER

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It was amazing how he could

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make all the pitches and all... with the different cups.

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-The pitches?

-Yes.

-You know about music, pitching the notes!

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-Are you musical?

-Erm... Kind of...!

-Yes.

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Gentlemen, could you sum that act up for us in one final word?

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-BABBLES: A-fo-wah!

-"A-fo-wah!", sir...!

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What tremendous performers. Now, the moment of truth.

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Welcome them back to the stage of the Slammer!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ladder Man, Gerry Phillips, Andrea Alton and Douglas Lee!

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Four very individual acts

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giving meaning to the word variety in the Slammer.

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We like variety. But which one will be going free?

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You decide, my convict connoisseurs, with the aid of this.

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-The clap-o-meter.

-FANFARE PLAYS

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In all its glory. The higher the noise you make,

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the bigger the score the convicted convict gets. OK?

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First was a very unusual act, with just a rose and a ladder.

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Will he go over the wall? Let's hear it for the Ladder Man!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Right there, Gimbert, a good score, 88.9, very good, very good.

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That's good, that's good. Will it be enough? Who knows...

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Next, well... An act that was full of fun and trumpery,

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will you please show your appreciation -

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using your hands only - and some noise, for Gerry Phillips!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, dear! A bad wind blowing for Gerry, there, just 74 points.

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You're staying with us another night or week or two! Well,

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a high-flying performer next.

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She raised the expectations of the Slammer.

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Will she go free? Let's see, when you decide on Andrea Alton!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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90! A score bang on 90 for Andrea! That takes her into the lead, yes!

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At the moment there, as you see, in third position,

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it's Mr Phillips, then the Ladder Man, and Andrea's in the lead.

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One more performing prisoner to see, you heard him, very unusual,

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mixed about his hair, his music was great.

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What did you think of Douglas Lee?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Close, oh, close!

0:26:260:26:29

Very close! Going free, it's Andrea Alton with a score of 90!

0:26:290:26:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:330:26:36

Give her a big hand, jailers and jailbirds, she's free! Free to go!

0:26:360:26:42

That means the rest of them are staying with us for another night,

0:26:420:26:47

but the good news is you're in time for supper. What's for supper?

0:26:470:26:51

-Porridge, sir, served in a very special way.

-What's the special way?

0:26:510:26:57

-Sloppily and ploppily, sir!

-Oh! Take 'em down, Mr Burgess!

0:26:570:27:02

Give them a round of applause. Remember, that's it from us,

0:27:020:27:08

join us for some more fun in the Slammer!

0:27:080:27:10

If you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

0:27:100:27:13

ALL: Don't do the crime!

0:27:130:27:16

See you, jailers and jailbirds, bye-bye, everybody, bye-bye!

0:27:160:27:21

# It's the only way You'll ever leave the Slammer! #

0:27:280:27:33

WHOOSH!

0:27:330:27:36

Safe journey home. If you leave now you should just miss the traffic.

0:27:380:27:44

Glad to see the back of those aliens, Mr Burgess?

0:27:480:27:51

-Absolutely, sir.

-Let's get the kettle on.

-Coming, Uncle.

0:27:510:27:55

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