Da Clinkski The Slammer


Da Clinkski

Children's entertainment show in which a group of comics enter a mock prison. It is a battle between the Slammer and Da Clinkski in the annual Russo-British prison cup.


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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty of a howling show-biz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit to try and get released

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# So go and fetch the audience Bring 'em to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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# Leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

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RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC

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-I'm practising Russian.

-Huh?

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You haven't forgotten?

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Today's the foreign exchange.

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Any minute, the governor and some inmates from Da Clinkski

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will arrive to take part in the annual Russia-British Prison Cup!

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Don't you remember me telling you this?

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Bah rah rah Russians rah rah rah lost again rah rah foreign exchange.

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Anyway, we haven't won in 20 years, and I'm not prepared to lose again.

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Melvin, tell all the inmates I'm looking for the best two acts

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to compete with the Russians in this afternoon's Freedom Show.

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Their release and The Slammer's pride is at stake.

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-Off you go!

-Move yourselves!

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Mr Burgess? A word in your shell-like.

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Keep your eye on those Russians when they arrive. I don't trust 'em.

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-Is that clear?

-As a bell, sir.

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Pete! Get your puppets ready. Guv's after two acts for the freedom show,

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and you might get a chance!

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Sorry, Melv, can't talk now. I'm operating.

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Charlie Chimp's got an ingrowing toenail. I'm gonna whip it out.

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-PETE AS CHARLIE CHIMP:

-Help me!

-This won't hurt a bit.

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-No! It'll hurt a lot! Help me, please!

-Stay still.

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-No! No! No!

-Charlie!

-Ow!

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Right! That's settled, then.

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The acts representing The Slammer and their country in this week's Freedom Show are...

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the amazing Fulcrum!

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And the fantastic David Burlet!

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Excellent! We don't want those Russians winning again, do we?

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-ALL: No...

-That's the spirit!

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-Uncle! The Russians are coming!

-The Russians are coming!

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-Vladimir!

-Ed-vaard!

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So...good...to see you... again...my friend!

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And you, Vladimir!

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Are you ready for a little friendly competition?

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Oh yes, Vlad, we're ready!

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Which you'll lose!

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RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC

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Pardon me.

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I've brought with me two of the finest acts in all of Russia.

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Mika the Clown.

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And...Strong Man.

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They are very, very brilliant.

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We...will...thrash...you!

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RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC

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Yes, well, our acts are brilliant too, Vlad!

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He-he-he-he-he...

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He-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

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Oh Teddy, the things that you say are so very, very funny!

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THEY ALL LAUGH

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Until showtime!

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RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC

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Yes, well... I'll let you and your acts get ready for the show.

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Off you pop! Thank you! See you later!

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All right, lads. All the best!

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You two. My office. Now.

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Does he need all that for an ingrowing toenail?

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VLAD TALKS IN RUSSIAN

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VLAD TALKS IN RUSSIAN

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I wonder what they're up to?

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CHARLIE CHIMP MUMBLES

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He's going to sabotage The Slammer acts so the Russian acts win!

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-Can you understand Russian?

-Yeah, my mum was Russian, so was Charlie's.

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Sabotaging the opposition. Our guv would never do that!

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-We'll nobble the opposition.

-Absolutely.

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I won't lose out on that trophy again!

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Oh no! They're both at it!

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It isn't what the spirit of entertainment is about.

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-We've got to do something.

-Follow me!

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-What are we doing?

-This is where the acts keep their stuff for showtime.

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If we take it, the guvs can't nobble 'em.

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-Wha...oh.

-Shh! Someone's coming! Hide.

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-Oh...you!

-You!

-What are you doing 'ere?

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Oh, nothing, nothing... what are YOU doing here?

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Oh...you know...

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Oh, look!

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MUSIC: "The British Grenadiers"

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RUSSIAN MILITARY MUSIC

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MUSIC: "Rule Britannia"

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RUSSIAN MILITARY MUSIC

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Right!

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BELL RINGS

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Right, you!

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Right, you!

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Right, you!

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Hey! Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing? Look at you!

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Have you both gone mad?

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It's about bringing people together, not fighting over who wins!

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-Shame on you!

-Shame on you!

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You're right. We've been fools.

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We should be embracing the spirit of competition,

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-not tearing against each other.

-You're right. As we say in Russia,

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Moya sudnaya vodyshka podusshka polna oogly.

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-What does that mean?

-My hovercraft is full of eels.

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I agree. If that's all settled, I have a few things to attend to.

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Melvin, Pete, make sure all the acts have everything they need.

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See you later...

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-Right, Gimbert. All set?

-Yes, Mr Burgess.

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Sorry, lads, the nobbling's off.

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-Off, sir?

-Fair's fair in The Slammer from now on.

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-ALARM SOUNDS

-Look at the time! How do I look?

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-Divine, sir.

-Thank you very much. In that case...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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RUSSIAN DANCE-STYLE MUSIC

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Who is the Governor?

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ALL: You are the Governor!

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Marvellous to see you, jailers and jailbirds.

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Welcome to The Slammer,

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with some special guests all the way from Russia! Ooooh!

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ALL: Ooooh!

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We've got some marvellous performing acts for you.

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Only you will decide who'll be walking free from The Slammer

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and winning the special cup today. So who will it be?

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We've got a balancing act called Fulcrum! Ooooh!

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ALL: Ooooh!

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We have a strong man, who funnily enough is called Strong Man!

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ALL: Ooooh!

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-We've got a plate-spinning act called David Burlet!

-ALL: Ooooh!

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But first off we have an act from Russia,

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he's serving five years in Da Clinkski, the Russian prison,

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please show your appreciation for Mika the Clown!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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UPTEMPO CHEERFUL MUSIC

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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UPTEMPO CHEERFUL MUSIC

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CHEERING

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LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING STOPS

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Mika the Clown, please, round of applause!

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Ooh, I'm never playing ping-pong with him!

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But what did you think? Did he ping or did he pong?

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Battleship Potemkin or Sink The Bismarck?

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Mika the clown, it was really funny,

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I think nobody else could do it apart from him. Ten out of ten.

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A very positive comment.

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-Did you like him?

-Very interesting. I thought he was quite odd, but good.

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-And miss.

-I think it was very good and clever and funny.

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Clever and funny. Worthy of a letter to Brezhnev, miss?

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-Er, well...

-Never mind.

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Can you show us how he did it? Go on.

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That was good! Either that, or you've got ants in your pants!

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-Sir, could you sum that act up in one final word?

-Er, it was...

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-That's not one final word, is it? You know the rules...

-Fantastic.

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Well, Mika the Clown getting it off to a great start there.

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Now, an act from The Slammer itself.

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A balancing act, an acrobatic act. Difficult to describe,

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but they're stretchy. They're serving a nine-month stretch!

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But will today be the day they are released?

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Let's find out, as we welcome... Fulcrum!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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SLOW ELECTRONIC MUSIC

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Marvellous! Let's hear a round of applause for Fulcrum!

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LOUD CHEERING

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Well, they seemed like a pair of balanced individuals.

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Have they done enough to win their freedom? Mr Burgess, over to you!

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Representing The Slammer, the Fulcrum -

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was it your British cup of tea, sir?

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The most amazing performance I have seen in my entire life.

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-A lot of body strength. Do you think he eats steak?

-Yeah.

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-Steak and willpower?

-Yeah.

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-Did you like that?

-Yes. They should be let out of The Slammer. Awesome!

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-What about you?

-I thought the act as a whole was amazing, and looked hard.

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But I thought their costumes were a tiny bit strange!

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-Strange, sir?

-Yeah.

-Do go on, sir.

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They were like army costumes but in different colours.

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They were a bit camouflage, a bit "you can't see me"?

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-Miss, one final word to describe that act?

-Fantastic!

-Fantastic, sir!

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Will Fulcrum go free? Only you can decide later, with the Clapometer.

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Our next performing prisoner is called Strong Man,

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because he is a very strong man.

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He's serving eight-and-a-half years in Da Clinkski,

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will you please give a round of applause to welcome the Strong Man!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MYSTICAL ORGAN MUSIC

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MUSIC SPEEDS UP

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AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME TO MUSIC

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LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE

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LOUD CHEERING

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Take him away, if you can!

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Give him a nice round of applause, jailers and jailbirds!

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Ooh, a strongman! Looked like me in my swimming costume!

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But what did you think? Did he get a strong score?

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Was he a strong act for you, sir?

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He was very strong and he would win in any wrestling match.

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Do you think we should let him go?

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I think he might break the door down first.

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-Did you like him?

-He had the strength of two men.

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I thought there was two men inside!

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Did he appeal to you?

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I thought his act was very strange, and he looked more fat than strong,

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but I did like it when he did a handstand on the chair.

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Tell us what you thought of him.

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It was crazy how he inflated himself,

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picked up the weights and balanced on the chair.

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For a final word, miss, one word,

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-sum that act up!

-Terrific.

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Terrific, sir!

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Felon fans, who will be going free? One more perfoming prisoner to see!

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And what an act this is.

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This gentleman does things with plates and crockery.

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He's serving 12 months in The Slammer

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for doing a special show at Buckingham Palace

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and breaking all the Queen's bone china.

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Please give a round of applause to David Burlet!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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UPTEMPO FUNKY MUSIC

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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FAST DRAMATIC MUSIC

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MUSIC CUTS OUT

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DRUM ROLL

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Let's hear it for David Burlet!

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LOUD CHEERING

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Very good, but it takes him an hour and a half to wash the dishes!

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What did you think of him?

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Have you ever seen plate-spinning done before, miss?

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No. That act was the best,

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because at times the plates were going to fall off,

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and then he realised, and he stopped it and it was really exciting.

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-Did you enjoy that plate-spinning act?

-Yeah, it was brilliant.

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-Mesmerising, the best one yet.

-Miss, what about you?

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-I went to circus school when I was six.

-An entertainer in our midsts?

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-And I can do better than he did!

-Better? Right, I see.

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-Tell everyone what you said to me earlier.

-Your armpits smell!

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My armpits smell? It wasn't that. What was it actually?

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-I smelt like...

-Poo!

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Thank you. Just thought we'd get that out for everybody. Charming!

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Would you like to give me a final word to sum that act up?

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Errrrr, really...

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"Er", sir!

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LAUGHTER

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Well, it's time for the Clapometer. But before we do that,

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let's welcome the Governor of the Russian Prison for Entertainers,

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Da Clinkski, - yes, it's Vladimir!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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A good show, Vlad?

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A good show. Credit to you and your people, and this fine audience.

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Good competition, credit goes to you all.

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What a nice man, and what nice hair!

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Now we must welcome back all our performing prisoners!

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Give them a round of applause!

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Mika the Clown!

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Fulcrum!

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Strong Man!

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And David Burlet!

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APPLAUSE

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Only one of them can walk free.

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The more you cheer and clap, the higher the score on the Clapometer.

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Let's hear it for Mika the Clown!

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WILD CHEERING

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Ooh, a good score - 82.4 for Mika!

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Next, we had an incredibly balanced act. Are they going free?

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Let's hear it for Fulcrum!

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WILD CHEERING

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They go into the lead with 90.1!

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But two more acts to see.

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Will he be going free? Will he be bending the iron bars of the prison?

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Let's see, as we hear it for Strong Man!

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WILD CHEERING

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Oh, not so strong a score, I'm afraid!

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Just 76.6. One more performing prisoner to see.

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With his plate-spinning act, did he do enough to spin himself free?

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Let's see, as you make that noise for David Burlet!

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WILD CHEERING

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Well, almost off the scale. 96 points, that means...

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going free is David Burlet!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Set him free. Give him a round of applause, jailers and jailbirds.

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He's on his way, the long road to freedom.

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The rest... Mr Burgess, it's back to the cells for them.

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-What's for supper?

-Blinis, with sloppy, ploppy porridge!

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Sloppy, ploppy porridge again!

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Never mind, take them away but give them a big hand, they all did well!

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-Off you go.

-APPLAUSE

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Well, that's it, and in the spirit of comradeship,

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-I'd like to say thanks to my old friend, Vladimir.

-Uhh, yes!

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That's all from Da Clinkski and The Slammer! See you soon! Bye!

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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E-mail [email protected]

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Well, gentlemen, we won.

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But remember, it's not the winning that matters, it's the taking part.

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-ALL: Yeeeeaaahhhh!

-We've done 'em, sir.

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We've done 'em, under this flag.

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Oh, what a proud day this is.

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It's a battle for supremacy between the Slammer and Da Clinkski, as the annual Russo-British prison cup gets under way. In the Freedom Show, two Russian acts go up against two UK hopefuls, but which one will the audience release?


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