Da Clinkski The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a howling show-biz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience Bring 'em to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# Leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC

-I'm practising Russian.

-Huh?

You haven't forgotten?

Today's the foreign exchange.

Any minute, the governor and some inmates from Da Clinkski

will arrive to take part in the annual Russia-British Prison Cup!

Don't you remember me telling you this?

Bah rah rah Russians rah rah rah lost again rah rah foreign exchange.

Anyway, we haven't won in 20 years, and I'm not prepared to lose again.

Melvin, tell all the inmates I'm looking for the best two acts

to compete with the Russians in this afternoon's Freedom Show.

Their release and The Slammer's pride is at stake.

-Off you go!

-Move yourselves!

Mr Burgess? A word in your shell-like.

Keep your eye on those Russians when they arrive. I don't trust 'em.

-Is that clear?

-As a bell, sir.

Pete! Get your puppets ready. Guv's after two acts for the freedom show,

and you might get a chance!

Sorry, Melv, can't talk now. I'm operating.

Charlie Chimp's got an ingrowing toenail. I'm gonna whip it out.

-PETE AS CHARLIE CHIMP:

-Help me!

-This won't hurt a bit.

-No! It'll hurt a lot! Help me, please!

-Stay still.

-No! No! No!

-Charlie!

-Ow!

Right! That's settled, then.

The acts representing The Slammer and their country in this week's Freedom Show are...

the amazing Fulcrum!

And the fantastic David Burlet!

Excellent! We don't want those Russians winning again, do we?

-ALL: No...

-That's the spirit!

-Uncle! The Russians are coming!

-The Russians are coming!

-Vladimir!

-Ed-vaard!

So...good...to see you... again...my friend!

And you, Vladimir!

Are you ready for a little friendly competition?

Oh yes, Vlad, we're ready!

Which you'll lose!

RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC

Pardon me.

I've brought with me two of the finest acts in all of Russia.

Mika the Clown.

And...Strong Man.

They are very, very brilliant.

We...will...thrash...you!

RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC

Yes, well, our acts are brilliant too, Vlad!

He-he-he-he-he...

He-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha!

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Oh Teddy, the things that you say are so very, very funny!

THEY ALL LAUGH

Until showtime!

RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC

Yes, well... I'll let you and your acts get ready for the show.

Off you pop! Thank you! See you later!

All right, lads. All the best!

You two. My office. Now.

Does he need all that for an ingrowing toenail?

VLAD TALKS IN RUSSIAN

VLAD TALKS IN RUSSIAN

I wonder what they're up to?

CHARLIE CHIMP MUMBLES

He's going to sabotage The Slammer acts so the Russian acts win!

-Can you understand Russian?

-Yeah, my mum was Russian, so was Charlie's.

Sabotaging the opposition. Our guv would never do that!

-We'll nobble the opposition.

-Absolutely.

I won't lose out on that trophy again!

Oh no! They're both at it!

It isn't what the spirit of entertainment is about.

-We've got to do something.

-Follow me!

-What are we doing?

-This is where the acts keep their stuff for showtime.

If we take it, the guvs can't nobble 'em.

-Wha...oh.

-Shh! Someone's coming! Hide.

-Oh...you!

-You!

-What are you doing 'ere?

Oh, nothing, nothing... what are YOU doing here?

Oh...you know...

Oh, look!

MUSIC: "The British Grenadiers"

RUSSIAN MILITARY MUSIC

MUSIC: "Rule Britannia"

RUSSIAN MILITARY MUSIC

Right!

BELL RINGS

Right, you!

Right, you!

Right, you!

Hey! Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing? Look at you!

Have you both gone mad?

It's about bringing people together, not fighting over who wins!

-Shame on you!

-Shame on you!

You're right. We've been fools.

We should be embracing the spirit of competition,

-not tearing against each other.

-You're right. As we say in Russia,

Moya sudnaya vodyshka podusshka polna oogly.

-What does that mean?

-My hovercraft is full of eels.

I agree. If that's all settled, I have a few things to attend to.

Melvin, Pete, make sure all the acts have everything they need.

See you later...

-Right, Gimbert. All set?

-Yes, Mr Burgess.

Sorry, lads, the nobbling's off.

-Off, sir?

-Fair's fair in The Slammer from now on.

-ALARM SOUNDS

-Look at the time! How do I look?

-Divine, sir.

-Thank you very much. In that case...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

RUSSIAN DANCE-STYLE MUSIC

Who is the Governor?

ALL: You are the Governor!

Marvellous to see you, jailers and jailbirds.

Welcome to The Slammer,

with some special guests all the way from Russia! Ooooh!

ALL: Ooooh!

We've got some marvellous performing acts for you.

Only you will decide who'll be walking free from The Slammer

and winning the special cup today. So who will it be?

We've got a balancing act called Fulcrum! Ooooh!

ALL: Ooooh!

We have a strong man, who funnily enough is called Strong Man!

ALL: Ooooh!

-We've got a plate-spinning act called David Burlet!

-ALL: Ooooh!

But first off we have an act from Russia,

he's serving five years in Da Clinkski, the Russian prison,

please show your appreciation for Mika the Clown!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

UPTEMPO CHEERFUL MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

UPTEMPO CHEERFUL MUSIC

CHEERING

LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING STOPS

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mika the Clown, please, round of applause!

Ooh, I'm never playing ping-pong with him!

But what did you think? Did he ping or did he pong?

Battleship Potemkin or Sink The Bismarck?

Mika the clown, it was really funny,

I think nobody else could do it apart from him. Ten out of ten.

A very positive comment.

-Did you like him?

-Very interesting. I thought he was quite odd, but good.

-And miss.

-I think it was very good and clever and funny.

Clever and funny. Worthy of a letter to Brezhnev, miss?

-Er, well...

-Never mind.

Can you show us how he did it? Go on.

That was good! Either that, or you've got ants in your pants!

-Sir, could you sum that act up in one final word?

-Er, it was...

-That's not one final word, is it? You know the rules...

-Fantastic.

Well, Mika the Clown getting it off to a great start there.

Now, an act from The Slammer itself.

A balancing act, an acrobatic act. Difficult to describe,

but they're stretchy. They're serving a nine-month stretch!

But will today be the day they are released?

Let's find out, as we welcome... Fulcrum!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SLOW ELECTRONIC MUSIC

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Marvellous! Let's hear a round of applause for Fulcrum!

LOUD CHEERING

Well, they seemed like a pair of balanced individuals.

Have they done enough to win their freedom? Mr Burgess, over to you!

Representing The Slammer, the Fulcrum -

was it your British cup of tea, sir?

The most amazing performance I have seen in my entire life.

-A lot of body strength. Do you think he eats steak?

-Yeah.

-Steak and willpower?

-Yeah.

-Did you like that?

-Yes. They should be let out of The Slammer. Awesome!

-What about you?

-I thought the act as a whole was amazing, and looked hard.

But I thought their costumes were a tiny bit strange!

-Strange, sir?

-Yeah.

-Do go on, sir.

They were like army costumes but in different colours.

They were a bit camouflage, a bit "you can't see me"?

-Miss, one final word to describe that act?

-Fantastic!

-Fantastic, sir!

Will Fulcrum go free? Only you can decide later, with the Clapometer.

Our next performing prisoner is called Strong Man,

because he is a very strong man.

He's serving eight-and-a-half years in Da Clinkski,

will you please give a round of applause to welcome the Strong Man!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MYSTICAL ORGAN MUSIC

MUSIC SPEEDS UP

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME TO MUSIC

LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE

LOUD CHEERING

Take him away, if you can!

Give him a nice round of applause, jailers and jailbirds!

Ooh, a strongman! Looked like me in my swimming costume!

But what did you think? Did he get a strong score?

Was he a strong act for you, sir?

He was very strong and he would win in any wrestling match.

Do you think we should let him go?

I think he might break the door down first.

-Did you like him?

-He had the strength of two men.

I thought there was two men inside!

Did he appeal to you?

I thought his act was very strange, and he looked more fat than strong,

but I did like it when he did a handstand on the chair.

Tell us what you thought of him.

It was crazy how he inflated himself,

picked up the weights and balanced on the chair.

For a final word, miss, one word,

-sum that act up!

-Terrific.

Terrific, sir!

Felon fans, who will be going free? One more perfoming prisoner to see!

And what an act this is.

This gentleman does things with plates and crockery.

He's serving 12 months in The Slammer

for doing a special show at Buckingham Palace

and breaking all the Queen's bone china.

Please give a round of applause to David Burlet!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

UPTEMPO FUNKY MUSIC

AUDIENCE GROANS

FAST DRAMATIC MUSIC

MUSIC CUTS OUT

DRUM ROLL

Let's hear it for David Burlet!

LOUD CHEERING

Very good, but it takes him an hour and a half to wash the dishes!

What did you think of him?

Have you ever seen plate-spinning done before, miss?

No. That act was the best,

because at times the plates were going to fall off,

and then he realised, and he stopped it and it was really exciting.

-Did you enjoy that plate-spinning act?

-Yeah, it was brilliant.

-Mesmerising, the best one yet.

-Miss, what about you?

-I went to circus school when I was six.

-An entertainer in our midsts?

-And I can do better than he did!

-Better? Right, I see.

-Tell everyone what you said to me earlier.

-Your armpits smell!

My armpits smell? It wasn't that. What was it actually?

-I smelt like...

-Poo!

Thank you. Just thought we'd get that out for everybody. Charming!

Would you like to give me a final word to sum that act up?

Errrrr, really...

"Er", sir!

LAUGHTER

Well, it's time for the Clapometer. But before we do that,

let's welcome the Governor of the Russian Prison for Entertainers,

Da Clinkski, - yes, it's Vladimir!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A good show, Vlad?

A good show. Credit to you and your people, and this fine audience.

Good competition, credit goes to you all.

What a nice man, and what nice hair!

Now we must welcome back all our performing prisoners!

Give them a round of applause!

Mika the Clown!

Fulcrum!

Strong Man!

And David Burlet!

APPLAUSE

Only one of them can walk free.

The more you cheer and clap, the higher the score on the Clapometer.

Let's hear it for Mika the Clown!

WILD CHEERING

Ooh, a good score - 82.4 for Mika!

Next, we had an incredibly balanced act. Are they going free?

Let's hear it for Fulcrum!

WILD CHEERING

They go into the lead with 90.1!

But two more acts to see.

Will he be going free? Will he be bending the iron bars of the prison?

Let's see, as we hear it for Strong Man!

WILD CHEERING

Oh, not so strong a score, I'm afraid!

Just 76.6. One more performing prisoner to see.

With his plate-spinning act, did he do enough to spin himself free?

Let's see, as you make that noise for David Burlet!

WILD CHEERING

Well, almost off the scale. 96 points, that means...

going free is David Burlet!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Set him free. Give him a round of applause, jailers and jailbirds.

He's on his way, the long road to freedom.

The rest... Mr Burgess, it's back to the cells for them.

-What's for supper?

-Blinis, with sloppy, ploppy porridge!

Sloppy, ploppy porridge again!

Never mind, take them away but give them a big hand, they all did well!

-Off you go.

-APPLAUSE

Well, that's it, and in the spirit of comradeship,

-I'd like to say thanks to my old friend, Vladimir.

-Uhh, yes!

That's all from Da Clinkski and The Slammer! See you soon! Bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Well, gentlemen, we won.

But remember, it's not the winning that matters, it's the taking part.

-ALL: Yeeeeaaahhhh!

-We've done 'em, sir.

We've done 'em, under this flag.

Oh, what a proud day this is.