Episode 4 The Slammer


Episode 4

Children's entertainment show in which a group of comedians enter a mock prison. Erica the Critic terrorises the performers with her reviews of their work.


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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime

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# Welcome to The Slammer

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# Where you're gonna serve the time

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# With every type of minstrel

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# Entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit

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# To try and get released

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# So go fetch the audience

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# And bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act

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# With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands

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# So make them cheer and clap

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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# Leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer!

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It's Freedom Show hide and seek.

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I hide and you seek!

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The first four acts to find me win a place on the show

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and the chance to win their freedom!

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Everybody, close your eyes and count down from 15!

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ALL: 15, 14...

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..13, 12, 11...

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GIGGLES

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..Seven, six, five, four...

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..three, two, one, zero!

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WATCH BEEPS

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ALL: Coming, ready or not!

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WATCH CONTINUES BEEPING

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MUFFLED BEEPING

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SINISTER MUSIC

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EVIL LAUGH

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Watch me head.

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Yeah, all right. Oh!

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Oh, yes, well...

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That was less fun than I imagined.

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Who were the first four to find me?

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Oh, yes, yes.

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Jeff Jay, trampolining sensation.

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BOING! BOING! BOING!

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Dennis Teeth and his surprisingly sweet-sounding saw.

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Marc the incredible ventriloquist.

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PUPPET LAUGHS

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And Timo Marc and his amazing feats of magical illusion. Excellent.

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What's this blasted thing going off for?

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It's to remind me of something. It's to remind me that...

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MECHANICAL WHIRRING AND CLICKING

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Somebody's released

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from solitary confinement today!

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DRAMATIC SCREAMING

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Erica The Critic!

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Oh, my sweet Tess Daly.

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Who's Erica The Critic?!

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Oh, a terrible woman, Jeremy.

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A terrible woman.

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She put half the acts in here with the nasty things she wrote.

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VOICEOVER: Two out of flippin' ten!

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Rubbish! Cack!

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One day, Erica snapped watching an X Factor audition special.

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"I can do better meself!", she cried.

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But sadly, she couldn't.

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# La-la-la-la-la-la... #

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Get off! Get off me!

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BOOING, JEERING AND POLICE SIRENS

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Straight to solitary, but we can't keep her in there forever.

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SCREAMING

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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About as entertaining as watching someone chew off their own elbow.

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Feeble!

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And extremely dull!

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HE SOBS

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Now then.

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Normally I don't have a problem with rudeness, sarcasm

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and undermining people's confidence. But aren't you going a bit too far?

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That's the least convincing scary prison officer

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I've ever seen!

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-You dare call me not scary?!

-Wooden, dramatically unsuccessful

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and about as frightening as High School Musical!

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-Five stars.

-Oh, that's not so bad.

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Out of 100!

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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Ready for showtime? Won't be long!

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If it's all the same, we don't wanna perform in the Freedom Show.

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Don't you want a chance to get out?!

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Not with Erica - we don't know what she'll say!

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Lads, lads, come now!

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She means well!

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ERICA: I'm not saying you're bad. You're hopelessly dreadful!

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Stupid floppy ears, your legs are offensively small!

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You'll never amount to anything. Anything! Do you hear me!

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DOG WHINES PITIFULLY

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Oh, lads, lads! Come on now! No, the show!

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Please, anything! No, wait! Come back, please!

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The show, the show...! Oh!

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Oh, Erica! Ha! Um...

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Have you met Melvyn O'Doom?

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JAZZY RIFF

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Huh!

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Hi, Melv.

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She can't find anything to criticise about you!

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-So?

-That makes you the perfect person to share a cell with her.

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Only you can do it. Keep her quiet, I'll think of a way out of this.

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Pete's my cellmate!

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Move him out, Melv! Come on, you can do it!

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I'll talk to the acts again. We have to save the Freedom Show!

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But Guv...!

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-Oh, nice drink. Ah, lovely. Burp! Which one of you did that?!

-Pete!

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You can't be here when Erica arrives!

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-I'm too late!

-Nocchio!

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Peter Nocchio, what a surprise you're still in here!

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What did I write about you?

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Oh, yes...

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Peter Nocchio, what a load...

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Whoa!

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Hoh, Charlie.

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Argh!

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Oh, I'm terribly sorry(!)

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LAUGHS MANIACALLY

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Don't look at me like that! What are you looking at?!

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Ooh!

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-Silly little horsey! Eugh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Not to the horse!

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-I'll decapitate you!

-Yikes!

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I hate green! Your teeth are too big for you!

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-Your eyes are horrible and I hate black hair!

-Ted Astaire!

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-You're gonna have to go! No!

-Argh!

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Don't do pink. Wurgh!

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Pick on someone your own size!

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# Give away your smile Just be... #

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SQUELCH

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What's going on? What's all this noise?!

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Erica's been flattened!

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FANFARE

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Brilliant! Erica's been squished! The Freedom Show is saved!

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ALL: Hooray!

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The acts can perform in safety. In that case...

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-How do I look?

-Divine!

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Thank you very much. I-i-i-i-it's showtime!

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KLAXON AND SIRENS

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MC: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

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where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

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Please welcome your host,

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keeping lapsed entertainers in 8x4 containers,

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It's...the Governor!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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-Who's the Governor?!

-ALL: You're the Governor!

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We have a marvellous show for you

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and you decide who'll take the walk of freedom.

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We've got some sensational prison performers,

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but they're trained, so don't try it at home.

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We have a man who plays a musical saw, called Dennis Teeth. Whoo!

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ALL: Whoo!

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A great ventriloquist called Marc Metral!

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ALL: Whoo!

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And an unusual act on a trampoline called Jeff Jay.

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ALL: Whoo!

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First, felon fans, a really sensational act

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and a strange act. I've never seen anything like it.

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He's been in for four years, will he go free today? Let's make noise

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for Timo Marc!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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JOLLY MUSIC

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AUDIENCE GASP AND CLAP

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Let's hear it for Timo Marc. Round of applause, please!

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APPLAUSE AND SCREAMING

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Personally, I shouldn't say it, but I hope he goes free this week.

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He's costing us a fortune in tellies!

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What did you think? Mr Burgess's side?

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It was brilliant, I loved everything.

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-You wouldn't change anything?

-No.

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What about you?

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He could brush up a little more with the costume.

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I'm not keen on blue, I prefer black. But that's just me.

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At the end of the day, you make the decisions.

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Yeah.

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What did you think?

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It was wonderful cos he could do all of them imaginit...

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..imanage...

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..smart stuff and it was really funny.

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What did you think of that?

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It was absolutely amazing because it was so real,

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all the time...it was so, so good all the time.

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I couldn't even...

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My mouth was already...

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I was gobsmacked.

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-We got there in the end.

-Yes.

-Gobsmacked.

-What did you think?

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It was brilliant cos it was very entertaining and magical.

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Ten out of ten.

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Could you sum that act up for us in one word?

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Fantastic.

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Fantastic, sir.

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Will Timo Marc go free from The Slammer?

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You decide, ladies and jailbirds!

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But three more acts to see.

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Now, a most unusual act...

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Eurgh, eurgh!

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Get your back into it, man! Come on!

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Will you please welcome...

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Dennis Teeth!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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HE PLAYS THE SAW

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HE PLAYS STRANGERS ON THE SHORE

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APPLAUSE

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DRUM ROLL

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HE PLAYS RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD

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HE WHISTLES ALONG

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AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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THE SLAMMER THEME PLAYS

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That's the wonderful sounds of Dennis Teeth.

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He got into trouble for promising to tell the tooth

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the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth!

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What did you think?

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What about you, have you had any dental work?

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-No.

-Root canal?

-No.

-Abscess removed?

-No.

-Nothing like that?

-No.

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-What about you, miss?

-I thought it was incredible

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and different to everything. It was amazing, what he did with the saw.

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Did you like Dennis Teeth?

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This performance wasn't really good,

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but I don't like the music, it was too slow for me

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and I like a bit of rap music.

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Rap music?!

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On a saw?!

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And for a final word, sir, sum that act up.

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Fabulous.

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Fabulous, sir!

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Will Dennis Teeth go free? You decide.

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Our next perform...

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CLUNKS AND BANGS

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Rubbish, I've seen more power in a damp sock!

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And your nose is too big and your hat looks silly!

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You're useless!

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Please go mental for Marc Metral!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Thank you! Hello, everybody.

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I need somebody to help me.

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Don't move - maybe you? Yes, OK.

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How are you? Good. OK.

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You come also? Oui? Thank you.

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We have plenty of volunteer. You come also?

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All right, thank you. On this side, OK, you come.

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OK, a big hand for these.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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OK, you stay like that.

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OK, I would like to know, what is your name?

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-Russell.

-Russell, come here, please.

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-Here we have?

-Minaj.

-I have to remember, eh?

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-Here we have?

-Inestes.

-And beautiful?

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-Niccoli.

-Niccoli.

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It's easy, what I have to ask you,

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is open and close mouths, without speaking. You first.

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When I squeeze the hand, just open, one time, the mouth.

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Are you ready?

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-DEEP VOICE: Yeah.

-Good.

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-Nice voice, huh?

-DEEP VOICE: Oh, Yeah!

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Very macho, eh?

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Macho, macho, macho!

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You keep the voice to go home, OK?

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-Yeah, yeah!

-OK!

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Stay here, we go with you now.

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Look at the audience. Same thing, you remember?

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SHRILL WAILS

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LAUGHTER

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We have a problem. What's the matter?

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SHRILL NOISE

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-Take a rest, OK?

-HIGH VOICE: Yeah, yeah!

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We go together now. We go with you, all together. We make a duo.

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You remember what I say?

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-SILLY VOICE: Yes, yes.

-Good. It's very nice.

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SILLY VOICE: Very good, very good!

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LAUGHTER

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-Do you like your voice?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

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You're a beautiful girl.

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GIRLY VOICE: Yeah!

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Look at the audience, OK?

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GIRLY VOICE: Yeah!

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A bit shy, eh?

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First time on stage?

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GIRLY VOICE: Last time!

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Music please!

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We sing a song now. You stay with your new fiancee like that, OK?

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I go between, OK? You was perfect. Look at the audience, not me.

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# I'm singing in the rain

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DEEP VOICE: # Just singing in the rain

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# What a glorious feeling

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HIGH VOICE: # I'm happy again

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# I'm laughing at clouds

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SILLY VOICE: # So dark up above

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# The sun in my heart

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SILLY VOICE: # Nuh-la-la-la

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Catastrophe!

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No is Placido Domingo.

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# Ready for love

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HIGH VOICE: # Ruh-uh-la-la

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Oh, dear. Sabotage, eh?

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Just take a rest, eh? The doctor is coming, don't worry. Yes?

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OK?

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GIRLY VOICE: Yeah!

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I love her voice!

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# La-la-la-la-la-la

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GIRLY VOICE: # La-la-la-la-la-la

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SILLY VOICE: # La-la-la-la-la

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GETS FASTER AND FASTER

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RIOTOUS LAUGHTER

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Merci beaucoup!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Come on! Big round of applause for Marc Metral!

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Wonderful. But was it good enough to set him free? Let's find out.

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Marc Metral. You looked like you were enjoying him, miss. Were you?

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I loved this act, he was really sensational.

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I liked it when he made the children speak their...these silly voices.

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What did you think of Marc Metral?

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He was amusing because he made me laugh, I want him to be set free.

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-What did you make of it?

-I loved the way he did the voices.

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-He would be my number one vote to let go today.

-An open-and-shut case?

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-Yep.

-"Let the man go", I hear you cry, sir.

-Yeah.

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Could you cry that for me, sir?

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-I'd let him go.

-Shout it.

-I'd let him go!

-Shout it from the rooftops.

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-I'd let the man go!

-Bring it on! Come on!

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-I'd let the man go!

-That's the one!

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A final word from this gentleman...here.

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-I thought it was excellent.

-Final word, sir. Just one.

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-Excellent.

-Excellent, sir.

-Just one more performing prisoner act to see.

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And what an act it is.

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MUFFLED VOICE

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You?! That's your presentation of a wall, is it?

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SHE GASPS

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Rubbish! Call those bricks?!

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I'd be ashamed to go out in that mortar!

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Wouldn't be surprised if you didn't collapse!

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Will you please raise the roof, jailers and jailbirds,

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for the trampolining tricks of Jeff Jay!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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CRAZY CALYPSO MUSIC

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THEY CLAP ALONG

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Forward!

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I'll have another go!

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Forward!

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Back!

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I'll take it off.

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Hoop-la!

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LOUD APPLAUSE

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Let's hear it for Jeff Jay. Come on!

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Oh, wow!

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Wow!

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We were going to save money on the trampoline.

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He was going to bounce on my tummy.

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What did you think, Mr Burgess?

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Did he bounce high enough?

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I think you must let that jumping lunatic go

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because it's brilliant. Ten out of ten.

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-Jumping lunatic. That's a harsh epithet.

-What did you think?

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It was cool and spectacular

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and I liked when he was doing the back flips.

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Good, weren't they?

0:24:030:24:05

What about you, young lady?

0:24:050:24:07

It was like, good cos he didn't just use the trampoline,

0:24:070:24:11

he used the dive board as well which was comical when he fell off it.

0:24:110:24:17

-And did you like the comedy, miss?

-Yeah.

0:24:170:24:20

What did you think?

0:24:200:24:21

I thought he was funky, hilarious and he rocks.

0:24:210:24:25

So, to sum that act up in one final word. Miss?

0:24:250:24:30

-Smashing.

-Smashing, sir.

0:24:300:24:32

Well, four convicted convict acts,

0:24:320:24:35

one walk of freedom.

0:24:350:24:36

Who will it be? Welcome them back.

0:24:360:24:39

Timo Marc, Dennis Teeth,

0:24:390:24:41

Marc Metral

0:24:410:24:43

and Jeff Jay.

0:24:430:24:46

There they are. Wonderful.

0:24:480:24:51

All hoping to win their chance for freedom with this.

0:24:510:24:55

The sensational clap-o-meter.

0:24:550:24:58

Now remember, the more you clap and cheer, the higher the score.

0:24:580:25:04

-I thought they were all tremendous.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:25:040:25:08

First of all, it was a very unusual act.

0:25:080:25:11

Let's hear what you're gonna score on the clap-o-meter. Timo Marc.

0:25:110:25:16

LOUD CHEERS

0:25:160:25:19

That's a great score. 95.5.

0:25:230:25:25

Right, now, an act that you'd never seen before, have you?

0:25:250:25:30

Playing a saw like a violin.

0:25:300:25:32

Let's see what you'll give to Dennis Teeth.

0:25:320:25:35

POLITE APPLAUSE

0:25:350:25:38

You will be staying.

0:25:420:25:44

We've booked you for The Slammer staff party. That's good.

0:25:440:25:48

The score to beat is 95.5.

0:25:480:25:51

Will this next act get it? A marvellous ventriloquism act,

0:25:510:25:55

it was Marc Metral.

0:25:550:25:58

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:25:580:26:00

It's 94.7. Oh!

0:26:040:26:08

That's puts Marc Metral into second.

0:26:090:26:12

Still in the lead with Timo Marc.

0:26:120:26:14

Timo will be making the walk to freedom

0:26:140:26:18

unless this final act tips him.

0:26:180:26:20

What did you think of Jeff Jay's trampoline?

0:26:200:26:24

LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:26:240:26:27

Let's have a look.

0:26:300:26:31

Was that the winning..? No! Timo Marc is the winner.

0:26:310:26:36

Timo Marc goes free.

0:26:360:26:38

Give him a big cheer.

0:26:380:26:41

He goes free.

0:26:410:26:43

There you go, Timo Marc. Take the rest to the cells.

0:26:430:26:46

-What's for supper?

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge.

0:26:460:26:50

It's always sloppy, ploppy porridge.

0:26:500:26:52

Give them a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.

0:26:520:26:56

APPLAUSE

0:26:560:26:59

That's it from The Slammer.

0:26:590:27:01

-If you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-ALL: Don't do the crime!

0:27:010:27:06

We'll see you soon for more fun on The Slammer. Bye-bye.

0:27:060:27:11

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:150:27:18

E-mail s[email protected]

0:27:180:27:21

Ah! Rubbish! You call that a prod?

0:27:360:27:39

Ooh, now that's more like a prod.

0:27:450:27:47

Getting better.

0:27:470:27:49

EVIL LAUGH

0:27:540:27:56

Children's entertainment show in which a group of comedians enter a mock prison. Erica the Critic terrorises the performers with her reviews of their work. In the Freedom Show, four more acts, including a ventriloquist and an illusionist, perform for release.


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