Episode 3 The Slammer

Behind the doors is the man with the most dangerous act in show business.

I should know. I was around the first time for Peter Andre.

-What's his mask for, sir? Eczema?

-No, for protection.

To stop him joking. That, gentlemen, is Jake LePlant,

the man with the deadliest jokes in show business.

Have you got a yoga mat? Looks like I'm in for a long stretch.

# You've been found guilty of a show biz crime

# So, welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're gonna serve your time with every type of minstrel

# Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit

# To try and get released

# Go fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And go and show off your act

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

-# Leave The Slammer

-# It's the only way

# You'll ever leave The Slammer! #

You're dangerous.

HE SALIVATES LIKE HANNIBAL LECTOR, THEN SPITS

I've never been a fan of chocolate limes. Don't worry.

In this jacket, I'm completely 'armless. 'Armless - get it?!

Your jokes can render men useless.

-Looks like my work here's done, then.

-Stop it!

Stop it! Listen. The rule is no jokes, OK?

Does that include his moustache?

This is more difficult than I thought.

I want Jake watched. Today is freedom show day.

I have some great acts.

-Black Eagles...

-# I've got soul... #

-..Duo Magic...

-SALSA MUSIC

..Tamara Puzanova...

and Pupski.

If this man goes near them, he could sabotage the show.

I want him kept in his cell. It's a tough job.

-I want my best wardens on it.

-They're sick. It's just these two.

-THEY ALL LAUGH

-Get him out of here!

HE SIGHS

Pete, I can't believe it. I've done 23 sighs today.

< So the policeman says to the king,

< "Because your prince was all over it."

-Have you seen my stereo batteries?

-Sh! New neighbour. Jake LePlant.

He was on Crimewatch.

-AS PUPPET:

-Oh! He's been on TV! Poo-po-poom!

He's dangerous. They should throw away the key.

You can't speak to him. Promise me that?

-Er, all right, I promise.

-AS PUPPET:

-I don't promise!

HE PUTS ON MUFFLED VOICE AS PUPPET

-Mr Gimbert?

-Yes.

-Can I ask you a question?

-Yes.

How do you kill a circus?

I don't know. How?

Go for the juggler!

Shut up!

Got my eyes on you, LePlant. No more jokes.

Sorry, Mr Burgess.

I forgot.

-I'll just go back to reading my paper.

-Yes.

Ah!

I see that detective's solved the case of the killer walnut.

Took him ten years to crack it!

-Ten years to crack it!

-Now, all right, LePlant.

You may have got him, but he's as useful as chocolate toilet paper.

But you won't get me, lad.

I haven't laughed since I ran over that pigeon.

Sorry, Mr Burgess.

-No more jokes.

-No more jokes.

-But can I ask you a question?

-Very well.

Why did the baker have brown fingers?

I don't know. Why did the baker 'ave brown fingers?

Because he kneaded a pooh.

HE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING

MR BURGESS SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER

Seriously, he's really dangerous.

LAUGHTER FROM NEXT CELL

All right, chaps. The name's Jake.

-We know. We're not talking to you.

-Oh, really?

That's a shame. Just wanted a little chat.

-So you won't wanna know what happened to Mr Burgess.

-What happened?

OK! He went into this cell with two colour-blind lobsters...

LAUGHTER ECHOES ALL AROUND

This is unbelievable, but don't worry. I can deal with LePlant.

You've got a brave man to capture the criminal?

-Risk your own life and save The Slammer?

-Yes.

-< SHRIEKING LAUGHTER

-I'm not gonna do it.

So, the giraffe says, "Stop! I've had it up to here!"

-I said not to talk to him.

-I'm sorry, Melvin.

-AS PUPPET:

-I'm sorry too! He he!

Pete, Melvin, you've been a great audience. And that ties things up.

-Remember the show biz rule.

-Don't work with animals or Shayne Ward.

No. Escape the prison via the freedom show.

So, you're gonna wait for the show,

take out the last guard, and escape incognito?

No. In a taxi - it's cheaper.

I'd love to stay here and torture you with my jokes,

but instead, I'll leave you with my best material.

Jake LePlant live, available from all good retailers.

Enjoy.

At least you'll die laughing.

CD: 'So, I said to the cashier, "Can I have £2?"'

-You've been a good friend, Pete.

-COMEDY CD CONTINUES

Melv, I've got one last thing to confess.

CD: 'It's a currant account!'

-I

-borrowed the batteries in your CD player.

COMEDY CD FINISHES

-Right.

-AS PUPPET:

-Argh!

Come on! Oh!

So...no problems with Jake LePlant, then?

Absolutely not, sir. He's locked in his cell and he didn't overpower us.

No. He's definitely not at large threatening everyone's...lives.

-Good.

-LePlant's threatening everyone's lives!

-What?!

-Ah. Er, that LePlant, sir. Yes, he is, sir. Sorry, sir.

I'll deal with you later! Summon the guard! He can't be far.

-I want him bound and gagged.

-Ha ha! Gagged. Very good.

Never mind that, Frank. SIREN WAILS

How do I look? ALL: Divine.

Thank you. In that case... SIREN CONTINUES

It's...show time!

COCKEREL CROWS, BUZZER DINGS, SIREN WAILS

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is released.

-'Now, please welcome your host...'

-HE LAUGHS

HE CONTINUES TO LAUGH

LAUGHTER TURNS INTO CLUCKING

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-'Sorry. It's...the Governor!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?! AUDIENCE: You're the Governor!

Hello! We have some great performing prisoners.

First, we've got a magical mystical act

called Duo Magic. Whoo!

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

We've got a lovely act called Pupski. AUDIENCE: Whoo!

And a set of performing prisoners, The Black Eagles.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Are you ready for our first performing prisoners?

MUFFLED CHEERING, GOVERNOR TALKS

-JAKE:

-'Cor! Look at the size of that audience.'

CHEERING

This lady's marvellous... Hey! Whoa! Hey!

Give it here, you. Hey! Hello, boys and girls!

How do prisoners call each other?

-They use cell phones!

-LAUGHTER

Why doesn't Cinderella like football?

She ran away from the ball!

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

It's Jake LePlant, Mr Burgess.

Don't worry, boys and girls, he's locked up.

Oh!

-Ready for your first performing prisoner?

-Yeah!

Jailors and jailbirds, please welcome the wonderful Tamara Puzanova!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CARIBBEAN-STYLE MUSIC

DRUM ROLL

Oh! Whoa-hey!

Ho ho ho! Marvellous.

Ooh, it's exciting, eh?

Tamara Puzanova! Wasn't that wonderful, yes?

-But will she be juggling her way to freedom?

-Will she walk free?

-Yes.

-Why?

Because...

Don't take too long to think about it, miss.

-Cos I like her act.

-You like her. Why? What made it so good?

The...balls...when she went...erm... up to the top.

Just tell us what you've written about Tamara.

-Bit of a show-off...

-LAUGHTER

..talented...bad hairdo...

-LAUGHTER

-..er...brilliant.

-What did you write about her?

-Brilliant. Fabulous. Talented.

-So, is she going free?

-Yeah.

One final word to sum that act up. Miss?

-Fantastic-o.

-Fantastic-o, sir!

Performing prisoner applauders, will you give your vote to Tamara?

We'll find out later on.

LePlant...don't think you're going to get away with this.

Why would I want to get away with that?

Next!

Calendars.

They're looking a bit dated, aren't they?

It's a marvellous magic act, serving six years in Forsyth Wing,

for making a Chuckle Brother disappear.

Will you please make some noise for Duo Magic?

CHEERING

# Into the night

# Shadows fall

# I cry out

# For you-ou-ou

# Night so dark

# Where are you?

# Come back in my... #

SULTRY JAZZ SAXOPHONE

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

APPLAUSE

# We could find out we're all alone in the dream of the night. #

DRAMATIC ELECTRIC GUITAR

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING

Duo Magic, wow!

What an incredible performance.

But what did you think of the wonderful magic act?

Magic. Was it?

-Well, it was all good and...

-I feel there's a but coming here, sir.

I don't think that was actually real.

-You don't think it was real?

-No.

-You don't believe in magic?

-Yes.

-You believe in the tooth fairy?

-No.

-Angels?

-No.

-You don't believe in much.

-No.

-What do you say?

-It was really good.

-Yes?

-Yes.

-What was your favourite part?

-All of it.

-Did you like them?

-Yes.

-Why?

-Because erm...they...

-Come on, come on!

I haven't got all day.

I like magic, and I think they were fabulous.

-What did you think of Duo Magic?

-In one word, magic-llious phantomonous.

-Magically phantomonous?

-No, magic-llious phantomonous.

-Magic-llious?

-Yes, phantomonous.

-And a final word

-on that act - miss?

-Fabulous.

-Fabulous, sir!

Duo Magic. You like, you like, yeah?!

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Where do you weigh a whale? The whale-weigh station!

DRUM ROLL

GUARD LAUGHS

Jailors and jailbirds, show your appreciation for Pupski! Woof woof!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CIRCUS MUSIC WITH A LATIN BEAT

APPLAUSE

HE PRETENDS TO COCK GUN AND FIRE IT

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Give Pupski a big hand, jailors and jailbirds.

Let's "paws" for thought with Mr Burgess.

I thought it was absolutely brilliant.

-Was it the best act you've seen?

-Yes.

-Why?

-Just because...

Because it had a little doggie in?

I like the bit where they did the handstand.

-The handstand?

-Yeah.

-Do you think he was cute, miss?

-Yes.

-Would you like to take it home?

-Yes.

-Give it a good 'ome?

-Yes.

-Pat it and love it?

-Yes.

Was it Pupski or Poopski?

-Pupski.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-What did you think of the act?

-I think it was...paw-tastic.

-Paw-tastic? Ooh! Not poor?

-Good, but "paw" as in "paw"?

-Yeah.

-As in a paw, not poor.

-A dog paw.

-A dog paw?

-Yeah.

What did you think of Pupski?

What a dog! He should sign up for the gymnastic Olympic team.

-He'd get gold.

-But wouldn't they spot he's a dog?

-Yeah, but who cares?

I quite agree.

-What did you think of that in one word, sir?

-It was woof-tastic.

-Woof-tastic, sir.

-Ooh! It's getting exciting now.

Just one more performing prisoner act.

Just one more guard to go.

Why do you invite mushrooms to parties?

Well, they're fun guys to be around.

Fungis! Mushrooms!

Come on! You must get one of my jokes.

GUARD SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Please show your appreciation for the wonderful Black Eagles!

CHEERING

RHYTHMIC UPBEAT MUSIC

# Ooh-uh ooh-uh ahh

# Ooh-uh ooh-uh ooh-uh ahh

# Ooh-uh ooh-uh

# Ooh-uh ooh-uh ahh! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

-# C'est bon

-Oui

# C'est bon

# That's good! Ca bouge

-# Oui

-Ca bouge

-# Ca bouge

-Oui

# That's good... #

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, jailors and jailbirds, let's hear it for The Black Eagles!

You need a good head for heights for that! What did you think, Mr Burgess?

-Miss?

-It was spectacular.

-I wish I could do that.

-Do you think they needed a lot of energy?

-Yes.

-What about you, young lady?

-It was fire-rific and they should go free.

-You wouldn't try it yourself, would you?

-No!

Very wise. Over to you, Mr Burgess, for a last word.

-Think of something without -tastic at the end.

-Afrika Afrika.

Afrika Afrika, sir!

Four sensational performing acts, but only one can go free.

Who will it be? Let's welcome them back. All the acts!

CHEERING

Tamara Puzanova! Duo Magic!

Pupski! And The Black Eagles!

CHEERING

You will decide now who takes that walk of freedom.

Please show your appreciation for the first performing prisoner,

Tamara Puzanova! CHEERING

A great score, there.

73.6 for Tamara on the Clap-O-Meter. Marvellous!

Will you be shouting "abracadabra"? Let's hear it for Duo Magic!

LOUD CHEERING

Wow! A great score. 92.3 puts them in the lead!

Yes! Yes, yes. Right...on to our next double act,

a unique double act, because it was half human, half canine.

Will they be going free?

Please whoop it up for Pupski!

LOUD CHEERING

Sensational! Let's see the scores. Duo Magic still first.

Let's see what happens now. Only one more performer can beat that score

of 92.3. Will it be...The Black Eagles?!

LOUD CHEERING

Oh! Fantastic!

There we are, The Black Eagles. Let's look.

Yes, it just does. What a sensational score.

They've pipped them at the post

in 92.8, going free! It's The Black Eagles!

Take them away to freedom!

The rest of you, great performances! But it's time for...what is it?

-Sloppy-ploppy porridge!

-Sloppy-ploppy porridge!

Give 'em a big cheer, jailors and jailbirds! Brilliant!

Join us again soon for some more mayhem and magic in The Slammer.

But remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

AUDIENCE: Don't do the crime!

Bye, everybody. Bye-bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

-MAN:

-So, 12 new charges of grievous comedy harm.

-And the defendant's name?

-Jake LePlant.

And how do you plead?

Like this. I'm Jake LePlant. Please don't put me in prison again.

LAUGHTER Please let me go, people.

LAUGHTER