Episode 3 The Slammer


Episode 3

Children's entertainment show in which a group of comedians enter a mock prison. A new, high security inmate paralyses everyone with laughter.


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Transcript


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Behind the doors is the man with the most dangerous act in show business.

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I should know. I was around the first time for Peter Andre.

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-What's his mask for, sir? Eczema?

-No, for protection.

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To stop him joking. That, gentlemen, is Jake LePlant,

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the man with the deadliest jokes in show business.

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Have you got a yoga mat? Looks like I'm in for a long stretch.

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# You've been found guilty of a show biz crime

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# So, welcome to The Slammer

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# Where you're gonna serve your time with every type of minstrel

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# Entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit

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# To try and get released

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# Go fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

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# And go and show off your act

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# With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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-# Leave The Slammer

-# It's the only way

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# You'll ever leave The Slammer! #

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You're dangerous.

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HE SALIVATES LIKE HANNIBAL LECTOR, THEN SPITS

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I've never been a fan of chocolate limes. Don't worry.

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In this jacket, I'm completely 'armless. 'Armless - get it?!

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Your jokes can render men useless.

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-Looks like my work here's done, then.

-Stop it!

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Stop it! Listen. The rule is no jokes, OK?

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Does that include his moustache?

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This is more difficult than I thought.

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I want Jake watched. Today is freedom show day.

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I have some great acts.

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-Black Eagles...

-# I've got soul... #

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-..Duo Magic...

-SALSA MUSIC

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..Tamara Puzanova...

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and Pupski.

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If this man goes near them, he could sabotage the show.

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I want him kept in his cell. It's a tough job.

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-I want my best wardens on it.

-They're sick. It's just these two.

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-THEY ALL LAUGH

-Get him out of here!

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HE SIGHS

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Pete, I can't believe it. I've done 23 sighs today.

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< So the policeman says to the king,

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< "Because your prince was all over it."

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-Have you seen my stereo batteries?

-Sh! New neighbour. Jake LePlant.

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He was on Crimewatch.

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-AS PUPPET:

-Oh! He's been on TV! Poo-po-poom!

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He's dangerous. They should throw away the key.

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You can't speak to him. Promise me that?

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-Er, all right, I promise.

-AS PUPPET:

-I don't promise!

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HE PUTS ON MUFFLED VOICE AS PUPPET

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-Mr Gimbert?

-Yes.

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-Can I ask you a question?

-Yes.

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How do you kill a circus?

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I don't know. How?

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Go for the juggler!

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Shut up!

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Got my eyes on you, LePlant. No more jokes.

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Sorry, Mr Burgess.

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I forgot.

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-I'll just go back to reading my paper.

-Yes.

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Ah!

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I see that detective's solved the case of the killer walnut.

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Took him ten years to crack it!

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-Ten years to crack it!

-Now, all right, LePlant.

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You may have got him, but he's as useful as chocolate toilet paper.

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But you won't get me, lad.

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I haven't laughed since I ran over that pigeon.

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Sorry, Mr Burgess.

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-No more jokes.

-No more jokes.

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-But can I ask you a question?

-Very well.

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Why did the baker have brown fingers?

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I don't know. Why did the baker 'ave brown fingers?

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Because he kneaded a pooh.

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HE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING

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MR BURGESS SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER

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Seriously, he's really dangerous.

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LAUGHTER FROM NEXT CELL

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All right, chaps. The name's Jake.

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-We know. We're not talking to you.

-Oh, really?

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That's a shame. Just wanted a little chat.

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-So you won't wanna know what happened to Mr Burgess.

-What happened?

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OK! He went into this cell with two colour-blind lobsters...

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LAUGHTER ECHOES ALL AROUND

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This is unbelievable, but don't worry. I can deal with LePlant.

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You've got a brave man to capture the criminal?

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-Risk your own life and save The Slammer?

-Yes.

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-< SHRIEKING LAUGHTER

-I'm not gonna do it.

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So, the giraffe says, "Stop! I've had it up to here!"

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-I said not to talk to him.

-I'm sorry, Melvin.

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-AS PUPPET:

-I'm sorry too! He he!

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Pete, Melvin, you've been a great audience. And that ties things up.

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-Remember the show biz rule.

-Don't work with animals or Shayne Ward.

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No. Escape the prison via the freedom show.

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So, you're gonna wait for the show,

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take out the last guard, and escape incognito?

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No. In a taxi - it's cheaper.

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I'd love to stay here and torture you with my jokes,

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but instead, I'll leave you with my best material.

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Jake LePlant live, available from all good retailers.

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Enjoy.

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At least you'll die laughing.

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CD: 'So, I said to the cashier, "Can I have £2?"'

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-You've been a good friend, Pete.

-COMEDY CD CONTINUES

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Melv, I've got one last thing to confess.

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CD: 'It's a currant account!'

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-I

-borrowed the batteries in your CD player.

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COMEDY CD FINISHES

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-Right.

-AS PUPPET:

-Argh!

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Come on! Oh!

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So...no problems with Jake LePlant, then?

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Absolutely not, sir. He's locked in his cell and he didn't overpower us.

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No. He's definitely not at large threatening everyone's...lives.

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-Good.

-LePlant's threatening everyone's lives!

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-What?!

-Ah. Er, that LePlant, sir. Yes, he is, sir. Sorry, sir.

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I'll deal with you later! Summon the guard! He can't be far.

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-I want him bound and gagged.

-Ha ha! Gagged. Very good.

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Never mind that, Frank. SIREN WAILS

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How do I look? ALL: Divine.

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Thank you. In that case... SIREN CONTINUES

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It's...show time!

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COCKEREL CROWS, BUZZER DINGS, SIREN WAILS

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'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

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'where you decide which prisoner is released.

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-'Now, please welcome your host...'

-HE LAUGHS

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HE CONTINUES TO LAUGH

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LAUGHTER TURNS INTO CLUCKING

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-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-'Sorry. It's...the Governor!'

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Who's the Governor?! AUDIENCE: You're the Governor!

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Hello! We have some great performing prisoners.

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First, we've got a magical mystical act

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called Duo Magic. Whoo!

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AUDIENCE: Whoo!

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We've got a lovely act called Pupski. AUDIENCE: Whoo!

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And a set of performing prisoners, The Black Eagles.

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AUDIENCE: Whoo!

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Are you ready for our first performing prisoners?

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MUFFLED CHEERING, GOVERNOR TALKS

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-JAKE:

-'Cor! Look at the size of that audience.'

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CHEERING

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This lady's marvellous... Hey! Whoa! Hey!

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Give it here, you. Hey! Hello, boys and girls!

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How do prisoners call each other?

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-They use cell phones!

-LAUGHTER

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Why doesn't Cinderella like football?

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She ran away from the ball!

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CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

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It's Jake LePlant, Mr Burgess.

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Don't worry, boys and girls, he's locked up.

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Oh!

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-Ready for your first performing prisoner?

-Yeah!

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Jailors and jailbirds, please welcome the wonderful Tamara Puzanova!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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CARIBBEAN-STYLE MUSIC

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DRUM ROLL

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Oh! Whoa-hey!

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Ho ho ho! Marvellous.

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Ooh, it's exciting, eh?

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Tamara Puzanova! Wasn't that wonderful, yes?

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-But will she be juggling her way to freedom?

-Will she walk free?

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-Yes.

-Why?

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Because...

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Don't take too long to think about it, miss.

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-Cos I like her act.

-You like her. Why? What made it so good?

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The...balls...when she went...erm... up to the top.

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Just tell us what you've written about Tamara.

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-Bit of a show-off...

-LAUGHTER

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..talented...bad hairdo...

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-LAUGHTER

-..er...brilliant.

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-What did you write about her?

-Brilliant. Fabulous. Talented.

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-So, is she going free?

-Yeah.

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One final word to sum that act up. Miss?

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-Fantastic-o.

-Fantastic-o, sir!

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Performing prisoner applauders, will you give your vote to Tamara?

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We'll find out later on.

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LePlant...don't think you're going to get away with this.

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Why would I want to get away with that?

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Next!

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Calendars.

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They're looking a bit dated, aren't they?

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It's a marvellous magic act, serving six years in Forsyth Wing,

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for making a Chuckle Brother disappear.

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Will you please make some noise for Duo Magic?

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CHEERING

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# Into the night

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# Shadows fall

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# I cry out

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# For you-ou-ou

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# Night so dark

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# Where are you?

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# Come back in my... #

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SULTRY JAZZ SAXOPHONE

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AUDIENCE: Whoo!

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APPLAUSE

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AUDIENCE: Whoo!

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APPLAUSE

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# We could find out we're all alone in the dream of the night. #

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DRAMATIC ELECTRIC GUITAR

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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Duo Magic, wow!

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What an incredible performance.

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But what did you think of the wonderful magic act?

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Magic. Was it?

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-Well, it was all good and...

-I feel there's a but coming here, sir.

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I don't think that was actually real.

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-You don't think it was real?

-No.

-You don't believe in magic?

-Yes.

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-You believe in the tooth fairy?

-No.

-Angels?

-No.

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-You don't believe in much.

-No.

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-What do you say?

-It was really good.

-Yes?

-Yes.

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-What was your favourite part?

-All of it.

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-Did you like them?

-Yes.

-Why?

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-Because erm...they...

-Come on, come on!

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I haven't got all day.

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I like magic, and I think they were fabulous.

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-What did you think of Duo Magic?

-In one word, magic-llious phantomonous.

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-Magically phantomonous?

-No, magic-llious phantomonous.

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-Magic-llious?

-Yes, phantomonous.

-And a final word

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-on that act - miss?

-Fabulous.

-Fabulous, sir!

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Duo Magic. You like, you like, yeah?!

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AUDIENCE: Yeah!

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Where do you weigh a whale? The whale-weigh station!

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DRUM ROLL

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GUARD LAUGHS

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Jailors and jailbirds, show your appreciation for Pupski! Woof woof!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CIRCUS MUSIC WITH A LATIN BEAT

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APPLAUSE

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HE PRETENDS TO COCK GUN AND FIRE IT

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Give Pupski a big hand, jailors and jailbirds.

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Let's "paws" for thought with Mr Burgess.

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I thought it was absolutely brilliant.

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-Was it the best act you've seen?

-Yes.

-Why?

-Just because...

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Because it had a little doggie in?

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I like the bit where they did the handstand.

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-The handstand?

-Yeah.

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-Do you think he was cute, miss?

-Yes.

-Would you like to take it home?

-Yes.

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-Give it a good 'ome?

-Yes.

-Pat it and love it?

-Yes.

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Was it Pupski or Poopski?

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-Pupski.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-What did you think of the act?

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-I think it was...paw-tastic.

-Paw-tastic? Ooh! Not poor?

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-Good, but "paw" as in "paw"?

-Yeah.

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-As in a paw, not poor.

-A dog paw.

-A dog paw?

-Yeah.

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What did you think of Pupski?

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What a dog! He should sign up for the gymnastic Olympic team.

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-He'd get gold.

-But wouldn't they spot he's a dog?

-Yeah, but who cares?

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I quite agree.

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-What did you think of that in one word, sir?

-It was woof-tastic.

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-Woof-tastic, sir.

-Ooh! It's getting exciting now.

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Just one more performing prisoner act.

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Just one more guard to go.

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Why do you invite mushrooms to parties?

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Well, they're fun guys to be around.

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Fungis! Mushrooms!

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Come on! You must get one of my jokes.

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GUARD SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE

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Please show your appreciation for the wonderful Black Eagles!

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CHEERING

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RHYTHMIC UPBEAT MUSIC

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# Ooh-uh ooh-uh ahh

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# Ooh-uh ooh-uh ooh-uh ahh

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# Ooh-uh ooh-uh

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# Ooh-uh ooh-uh ahh! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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-# C'est bon

-Oui

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# C'est bon

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# That's good! Ca bouge

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-# Oui

-Ca bouge

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-# Ca bouge

-Oui

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# That's good... #

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CHEERING

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Come on, jailors and jailbirds, let's hear it for The Black Eagles!

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You need a good head for heights for that! What did you think, Mr Burgess?

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-Miss?

-It was spectacular.

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-I wish I could do that.

-Do you think they needed a lot of energy?

-Yes.

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-What about you, young lady?

-It was fire-rific and they should go free.

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-You wouldn't try it yourself, would you?

-No!

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Very wise. Over to you, Mr Burgess, for a last word.

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-Think of something without -tastic at the end.

-Afrika Afrika.

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Afrika Afrika, sir!

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Four sensational performing acts, but only one can go free.

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Who will it be? Let's welcome them back. All the acts!

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CHEERING

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Tamara Puzanova! Duo Magic!

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Pupski! And The Black Eagles!

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CHEERING

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You will decide now who takes that walk of freedom.

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Please show your appreciation for the first performing prisoner,

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Tamara Puzanova! CHEERING

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A great score, there.

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73.6 for Tamara on the Clap-O-Meter. Marvellous!

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Will you be shouting "abracadabra"? Let's hear it for Duo Magic!

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LOUD CHEERING

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Wow! A great score. 92.3 puts them in the lead!

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Yes! Yes, yes. Right...on to our next double act,

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a unique double act, because it was half human, half canine.

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Will they be going free?

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Please whoop it up for Pupski!

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LOUD CHEERING

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Sensational! Let's see the scores. Duo Magic still first.

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Let's see what happens now. Only one more performer can beat that score

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of 92.3. Will it be...The Black Eagles?!

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LOUD CHEERING

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Oh! Fantastic!

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There we are, The Black Eagles. Let's look.

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Yes, it just does. What a sensational score.

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They've pipped them at the post

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in 92.8, going free! It's The Black Eagles!

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Take them away to freedom!

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The rest of you, great performances! But it's time for...what is it?

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-Sloppy-ploppy porridge!

-Sloppy-ploppy porridge!

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Give 'em a big cheer, jailors and jailbirds! Brilliant!

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Join us again soon for some more mayhem and magic in The Slammer.

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But remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

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AUDIENCE: Don't do the crime!

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Bye, everybody. Bye-bye!

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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E-mail [email protected]

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-MAN:

-So, 12 new charges of grievous comedy harm.

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-And the defendant's name?

-Jake LePlant.

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And how do you plead?

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Like this. I'm Jake LePlant. Please don't put me in prison again.

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LAUGHTER Please let me go, people.

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LAUGHTER

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Children's entertainment show in which a group of comedians enter a mock prison. A new, high security inmate paralyses everyone with laughter. In the Freedom show, four more amazing acts, including acrobatics from the Black Eagles, perform for release.


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