Episode 11 The Slammer


Episode 11

Children's show in which a group of entertainers enter a mock prison. A hypnotist confuses Peter Nokio, and the acts include the Waterman, martial artists and animal magic.


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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty

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# Of a howling show-biz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer

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# Where you gotta serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel

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# Entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit

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# To try and get released

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# So go fetch the audience

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# Bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act

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# With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands

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# So make 'em cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave

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-# The Slammer!

-# Leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave

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# The Slammer!

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-Same again.

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge.

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Every day sloppy, ploppy, porridge.

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Nonsense, Nokio! Only yesterday it was ploppy, sloppy porridge.

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-Ah, Frank.

-Afternoon, sir.

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Lunch smells, er...ploppy.

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Today's Freedom Show act should eat well - they'll need energy.

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We've got...

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Christian Magician.

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Side Swipe.

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Ed Muir on Chinese Pole.

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And Waterman.

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If only I could be in the Freedom Show.

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-I know I could win.

-Don't you mean we?

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I know I could wee? What are you talking about?

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Hello.

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Is, er, anybody sat here?

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I'm new. Tony Trance, stage hypnotist.

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Wow, I've heard of you, nice to meet ya.

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Oh...er...

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Did you get 8 years for forgetting to un-hypnotise an audience?

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Yeah. It was quite embarrassing.

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200 people all thinking they were Elvis Presley.

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The queue at the burger stand was massive!

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-CLANG!

-Oh...

-SNIFFS.

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You've got a very strong au-u-u-ra!

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Probably the porridge, hynotism's rubbish.

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No, no, don't be rude, Melv.

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It's OK, a lot of people are sceptical, Melvin Odoom.

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Hey, no way! He knows your name.

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Oh, yes. Although, to be fair, it is written on his shirt.

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Could you hypnotise me? Or Melvin? Or a goldfish?

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Are you hypnotising us now? Are ya?

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Leave it, it's a load of rubbish.

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I'm not hypnotising you!

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Even if I was hypnotising you I'd have to use my...

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..magic amulet!

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Then I would get you to stare into the amulet with your tiny eyes

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until you were feeling sleepy. Then some simple words

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such as, wacka-chakka-pom-pom you're under!

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And you'd fall into a trance.

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And I just have to click my fingers and you will do anything I want.

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Such as, I don't know, think your pants are on fire.

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OK?

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-FIRE CRACKLING

-Ah! Aaarrrrrgggghhhh!

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Oh no! I've done it again.

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He'll be all right in an hour, or is it ten? I forget.

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Click your fingers and he'll do anything you say.

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-Must dash.

-Oh. CLANG!

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I wish I could hypnotise people.

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I could MAKE the governor put me in the Freedom Show.

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Precious!

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So much control. So much power. My sparkly, magical, knick-knack.

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Don't mess with things like that, it's a bad idea.

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No, you think it's a great idea.

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I think it's a great idea.

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And...you're French.

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Oui, une bonne idee.

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And...a woman.

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-SQUEAKY:

-Une bonne idee.

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What's all the noise in here?

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Oh, er, nothing.

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I'm just showing Melvin my new puppet, Mr Hypno.

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"Hello."

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Your puppets will never cease to amaze me

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as they never started to amaze me!

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In that case, concentrate on the cheeky trinket.

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Oh, Mr Gimbert, you're starting to feel sleepy

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and a bit dopey.

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He's always dopey, but I feel sleepy.

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You're under!

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Mon dieu, tu l'a fais?

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Mr Burgess, Mr Gimbert,

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you will be the opposite of everything you normally are.

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You're back.

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What happened there?

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Well, thank you, Peter, I enjoyed meeting your puppets.

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You know, I don't know why but I really like you.

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-And you Madame Odoom.

-Merci.

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I like you two so much I'm going to recommend you for release.

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That's against Slammer Code Of Conduct, section B267/4:

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-prisoners must be incarcerated.

-Chill out! It's a beautiful world!

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Let's go spread some smiles.

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Sorry, run me through this again, Frank.

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I want the prisoners to have cupcakes, medals, Jacuzzis,

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fluffy pillows, mints and to be released early, sir.

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It's what they deserve.

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That will cost exactly £871.14 assuming inflation at 3%.

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What's happened?

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You've both gone weird.

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I just want to hug the prisoners.

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I'm going to find out what's happened!

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-Wait, sir! I want to give you a hug as well.

-Get out of it!

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Je voudrais prendre une douche.

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-Peter?

-Hello, Peter, me old mate.

-Greetings inmate.

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Bonjour!

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What have you been doing?

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Oh, well, it was this amulet... That's right, the amulet!

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Have a look, have a look and relax...

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..and you're under!

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Governor, forget anything you saw here today.

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Forget everything.

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Forget everything.

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Was there something you wanted, gov?

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Who's governor?

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You're governor.

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No really, who's governor? Who am I? What is this place?

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Why am I wearing this suit?

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-1.7 minutes to show time.

-Would a little squeeze help, sir?

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Whoa, snap out of it. I didn't mean everything!

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Governor, wake up!

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Peter, I've lost my amulet, can't find it, have you seen...?

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-What's going on?

-Oh, Tony, I've proper messed up.

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I've got your amulet, wish I didn't.

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I tried to use it but it's gone horribly wrong

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I need your help, please can you help me? Ah!

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NOOOOOO!!!

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Only kidding! I had you going!

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Let's get everyone back to normal, shall we?

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Eu-u-r-r-r-g-ghh!

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Bub-dibbly-ub-dub. Bub-dibbly-ub-dub.

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Bub-bub-dub-bub-bub-bowwwwww! Bub!

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-Mm.

-Oh! Right. Whatever just happened, just didn't.

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You and your mind-bending friend have some explaining to do, pronto.

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-His name's Peter, not Pronto.

-Shut up!

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-Show time, sir.

-What is show time? What is time? Who's Noel Edmunds?

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Oh, deary me, looks like you've got him in a very deep trance.

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Don't worry, I've an idea.

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Look into the amule-e-et!

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And you are the governor.

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For now, while I try and get him fixed.

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Who's the governor? I'm the governor!

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In that case, it's....

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Show time!

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer

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where you decide which prisoner is released.

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Now, please welcome your host.

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Keeping criminals at bay until you've had your say,

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it's the governor!

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APPLAUSE

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Who's the governor?

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-AUDIENCE:

-You're the governor!

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Welcome to The Slammer. Let me tell you about the acts we've got.

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We've got some wonderful guys who do extreme martial arts,

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called Side Swipe.

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-Ooooo!

-Oooooo!

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And a guy that works with a skinny lamppost,

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Ed Muir on Chinese pole.

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-Ooooo!

-Ooooo!

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And also a gentlemen that does amazing things with water.

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And the act's called Waterman!

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-Ooooo!

-Ooooo!

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First, we have a wonderful act for you. He's a magician

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but will he be magicking his way out or staying for a longer spell?

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Let's find out as you give a warm welcome to Christian Magician!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Well, what an amazing act.

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But will you be saying abracadabra or abracadoo-doo? Over to Mr Burgess.

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Your favourite bit?

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When the bird just disappeared.

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The BUR-GESS disappeared? Me?

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No! The actual bird.

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Oh, the bir-D just disappeared. Diction!

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-What did you think?

-I thought it was really good, the dogs were cute.

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-They were. Do you have dogs?

-No.

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-Might you release him today?

-Yes.

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-You haven't seen the others.

-Yeah.

-Wow, you must have loved him.

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-And sum that act up in one final word, sir.

-Exhilarating.

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Exhilarating, sir, very good, very good.

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Time for today's second act.

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And what an act for you, it's wonderful!

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Your full name is Edward Archibald Robbins.

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You have a liking for drinking tea,

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marmalade, silk underpants and the music of James Blunt.

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Forget the last one, I'll do you a favour.

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And you're the governor of The Slammer,

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Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-poo! And you're back.

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-You still in a trance?

-No, give us a hand out of this chair.

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-The Freedom Show!

-Gov, this way.

-Oh, yes.

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-Hey, there seems to be a mistake here.

-Hey, there's no mistake here.

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-There is a mistake.

-There isn't a mistake.

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-I'm the governor!

-I'm the governor!

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-I'm governor!

-I'm governor!

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-Never mind all that.

-Never mind all that.

-We'll decide...

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-Who's the governor?

-You're the governor!

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There, see. Hand it over. Thank you.

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-Mr Burgess, take him to the cells.

-Right.

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-Clear off.

-What you doing?

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-Hello, who's the governor?

-You're the governor!

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Got rid of him. Your suit looks ridiculous. On with the show.

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In The Slammer for knocking an audience out, literally -

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the martial arts genius of Side Swipe!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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RAGGA MUSIC PLAYS

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: "Pump It" by Black Eyed Peas

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HA-A-A!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Careful with them lot, they'll come back at ya like that.

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-He-ha-oo-ha-he-ha-oo.

-BACK CRACKS

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Ohhh! No, you're all right, love, go get me embrocation.

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-Oh, dear, oh.

-AUDIENCE GIGGLE

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-I think I've pulled a fat.

-LAUGHTER

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Anyway, what did you think of that act? Mr Burgess? Mr Burgess? Oh!

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Now then, sir, was that crouching tiger or a hidden dragon?

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It was really good, they were very acrobatic.

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-They were very skilful.

-Very skilful.

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-You liked that?

-Yes.

-Preferred it to the first?

-They're equal.

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-They're equal in your mind?

-Yes. It's going to be a tight contest.

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"It's going to be tight." I like how you're thinking.

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Did you like them?

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Fantastic is not the word, it was brilliant. It was awesome, quality.

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Have one final word, sir!

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-Lively.

-Lively, sir!

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Will Side Swipe be karate-ing they're way to freedom?

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You will decide. On to our next performing prisoner.

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What an act! A man and his pole.

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-He's serving...

-Right, this should get everything back to normal.

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Your full name is Peter Nokio.

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You are a friend of Melvin Odoom.

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Just a sec.

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And you'll clean the cell even if it's Melvin's turn.

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You'll let Melvin choose the TV channel and give him your pudding.

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-Ala-la-ca-a!

-Ah! CLANG

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What will you think of Ed Muir on Chinese Pole?

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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# If someone stood up in a crowd

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# And raised his voice up way out loud

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# And waved his arm and shook his leg

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# You'd notice him

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# If someone in the movie show

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# Yelled "Fire in the second row"

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# This whole place is a powder keg

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# You'd notice him

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# And even without clucking like a hen

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# Everyone gets noticed now and then

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# Unless of course that personage should be...

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# ..invisible

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# inconsequential

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# ..me!

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# Cellophane

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# Mr Cellophane

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# Should'a been my name

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# Mr Cellophane

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# Cos you can look right through me

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# Walk right by me

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# And never know I'm there

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# I tell ya, Cellophane

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# Mr Cellophane

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# Should'a been my name

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# Mr Cellophane

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# Cos you can look right through me

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# Walk right by me

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# And never know I'm there

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# I tell ya

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# Cellophane

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# Mr Cellophane

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# Should'a been my name

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# Mr Cellophane

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# Cos you can look right through me

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# Walk right by me

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# And never know I'm there

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# Never...even...know...

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# I'm there

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CHEERING AND APPLUASE

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# I hope I haven't taken up too much of your time. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm walking into the pole I was that impressed.

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But what did you think of that act?

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I liked it cos he did lots I'd like to do.

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So what would you like to do?

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-Hang upside down.

-Are you a bat, sir?

-Maybe.

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What a strange boy.

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It was cool. I didn't think he'd be able to hold on that long.

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He's brave. But I'm not sure about his clothes, the hat especially.

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-LAUGHTER

-Right, and for one final word.

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-Sir...

-Gravity-defying.

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That's two, but I'll allow it. Gravity-defying.

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Ed Muir on his pole. Has he done enough to go free?

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One more act to see. Are you having a good time?

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-Yeah!

-AUDIENCE: YEAH!

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One more prisoner to see.

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What a marvellous act this is.

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It's very unusual. He's called Waterman, he's serving one year

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for going to a Wet Wet Wet concert and making them wet-wet-wetter.

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Please give a great big welcome to Waterman!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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CALYPSO-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Give him a big cheer!

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CHEERING

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I need me wellies after that.

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Well, wet, wet, wet, what, what, what?

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Waterman or Waterworld?

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I thought it was absolutely brilliant and I love the way he squirted

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water out of his mouth. I'd give him nine out of ten.

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-Did you like that unusual act?

-Yeah, it was incredible.

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He was like a human water-fountain.

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I woulnd't like a drink from that fountain, would you?

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-No! Eurgh. But good enough to go free?

-Yeah.

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Now, I believe you've drawn a picture of this act.

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-Yes.

-Would you like to hold it up and show everyone?

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Hold it up nice and high. There's Waterman, there.

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-Waterman, yakking up the water, is that how you descibe it?

-Yes.

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-Yakking water?

-Yes.

-Yes. Any other way of descibing that act, sir?

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It was very good, I thought it was a bit weird, though.

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Right for one final word...

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-Sir...

-'Mazin'.

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'Mazin', sir.

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Well, true variety there, four different acts.

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Only one can go free with the aid of this...

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..the clapometer!

0:24:240:24:26

But first let's welcome them all back, the performing prisoners,

0:24:260:24:30

Christian Magician, Side Swipe,

0:24:300:24:34

Ed Muir on Chinese Pole and Waterman!

0:24:340:24:37

Oh, marvellous. There they are.

0:24:370:24:41

What's going to happen? Who's going to get the highest score?

0:24:410:24:46

First, a very unusual act, costing us a fortune

0:24:460:24:49

here in The Slammer, just in pet food.

0:24:490:24:52

Will he go free with his chums? Make noise for...

0:24:520:24:55

..Christian Magician!

0:24:550:24:58

SCREAMING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:580:25:01

Oh, wow!

0:25:030:25:05

A great score, 83.4.

0:25:050:25:09

And that's for the doggie and the paws, wonderful!

0:25:090:25:13

These men were knock-out, weren't they? All over the place

0:25:130:25:17

with martial arts. What did you think of Side Swipe?

0:25:170:25:20

Wow, look at that.

0:25:280:25:30

Into the lead.

0:25:310:25:32

Into the lead, with 89 it's Side Swipe. Yeah!

0:25:320:25:36

Perhaps they'll be able to buy some shoes.

0:25:380:25:41

But the next man had shoes, he had a hat, he had a pole.

0:25:410:25:45

Will he go over the wall on his pole?

0:25:450:25:47

It's Ed Muir on Chinese Pole.

0:25:470:25:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:500:25:52

A great act but you're staying for sloppy, ploppy porridge.

0:25:570:26:01

Good score. But still in the lead with 89, will that be enough

0:26:010:26:06

for Side Swipe to go free?

0:26:060:26:09

Welcome our final act. They were unusual, sensational,

0:26:090:26:13

will they be going free from The Slammer?!

0:26:130:26:16

It's Waterman!

0:26:160:26:18

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:26:180:26:20

It's a good score, 81.1. But that means the winners going free

0:26:250:26:30

swiping their way out on 89, it's Side Swipe!

0:26:300:26:34

-CHEEERING

-You're free to go.

0:26:340:26:37

Take them away, you're free to go. Give them a cheer!

0:26:370:26:41

They're out. Great scores. Give all the prisoners

0:26:420:26:46

a big round of applause. They were all brilliant.

0:26:460:26:49

But...it means they're going back to the cells.

0:26:490:26:54

It means you're staying for tea, as well.

0:26:540:26:57

And, Mr Burgess, what's for tea?

0:26:570:26:59

It's a three course meal tonight, sir.

0:26:590:27:02

At last! What are the three courses?

0:27:020:27:05

Sloppy, ploppy and porridge.

0:27:050:27:08

OH! Take them back there. Big round of applause for all of them.

0:27:080:27:14

That's almost it from The Slammer but remember

0:27:170:27:21

if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

0:27:210:27:23

AUDIENCE: DON'T DO THE CRIME!

0:27:230:27:26

Join us again soon, for more fun. Give us a cheer and bye-bye!

0:27:260:27:30

CHEERING

0:27:300:27:32

# It's the only way you'll ever leave

0:27:370:27:39

# The Slammer! #

0:27:390:27:41

Well, that's taught me a lesson.

0:27:410:27:45

I'm never going to use hypnosis again.

0:27:450:27:48

Tony, Mr Burgess says you have to sort through

0:27:480:27:51

these cheesy socks for laundry.

0:27:510:27:54

A-A-A-AH!

0:27:560:28:00

-Sleep!

-CLANG

0:28:000:28:02

Well, nearly never!

0:28:040:28:07

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