Episode 11 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty

# Of a howling show-biz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you gotta serve your time

# With every type of minstrel

# Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit

# To try and get released

# So go fetch the audience

# Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands

# So make 'em cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave

-# The Slammer!

-# Leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave

# The Slammer!

-Same again.

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge.

Every day sloppy, ploppy, porridge.

Nonsense, Nokio! Only yesterday it was ploppy, sloppy porridge.

-Ah, Frank.

-Afternoon, sir.

Lunch smells, er...ploppy.

Today's Freedom Show act should eat well - they'll need energy.

We've got...

Christian Magician.

Side Swipe.

Ed Muir on Chinese Pole.

And Waterman.

If only I could be in the Freedom Show.

-I know I could win.

-Don't you mean we?

I know I could wee? What are you talking about?

Hello.

Is, er, anybody sat here?

I'm new. Tony Trance, stage hypnotist.

Wow, I've heard of you, nice to meet ya.

Oh...er...

Did you get 8 years for forgetting to un-hypnotise an audience?

Yeah. It was quite embarrassing.

200 people all thinking they were Elvis Presley.

The queue at the burger stand was massive!

-CLANG!

-Oh...

-SNIFFS.

You've got a very strong au-u-u-ra!

Probably the porridge, hynotism's rubbish.

No, no, don't be rude, Melv.

It's OK, a lot of people are sceptical, Melvin Odoom.

Hey, no way! He knows your name.

Oh, yes. Although, to be fair, it is written on his shirt.

Could you hypnotise me? Or Melvin? Or a goldfish?

Are you hypnotising us now? Are ya?

Leave it, it's a load of rubbish.

I'm not hypnotising you!

Even if I was hypnotising you I'd have to use my...

..magic amulet!

Then I would get you to stare into the amulet with your tiny eyes

until you were feeling sleepy. Then some simple words

such as, wacka-chakka-pom-pom you're under!

And you'd fall into a trance.

And I just have to click my fingers and you will do anything I want.

Such as, I don't know, think your pants are on fire.

OK?

-FIRE CRACKLING

-Ah! Aaarrrrrgggghhhh!

Oh no! I've done it again.

He'll be all right in an hour, or is it ten? I forget.

Click your fingers and he'll do anything you say.

-Must dash.

-Oh. CLANG!

I wish I could hypnotise people.

I could MAKE the governor put me in the Freedom Show.

Precious!

So much control. So much power. My sparkly, magical, knick-knack.

Don't mess with things like that, it's a bad idea.

No, you think it's a great idea.

I think it's a great idea.

And...you're French.

Oui, une bonne idee.

And...a woman.

-SQUEAKY:

-Une bonne idee.

What's all the noise in here?

Oh, er, nothing.

I'm just showing Melvin my new puppet, Mr Hypno.

"Hello."

Your puppets will never cease to amaze me

as they never started to amaze me!

In that case, concentrate on the cheeky trinket.

Oh, Mr Gimbert, you're starting to feel sleepy

and a bit dopey.

He's always dopey, but I feel sleepy.

You're under!

Mon dieu, tu l'a fais?

Mr Burgess, Mr Gimbert,

you will be the opposite of everything you normally are.

You're back.

What happened there?

Well, thank you, Peter, I enjoyed meeting your puppets.

You know, I don't know why but I really like you.

-And you Madame Odoom.

-Merci.

I like you two so much I'm going to recommend you for release.

That's against Slammer Code Of Conduct, section B267/4:

-prisoners must be incarcerated.

-Chill out! It's a beautiful world!

Let's go spread some smiles.

Sorry, run me through this again, Frank.

I want the prisoners to have cupcakes, medals, Jacuzzis,

fluffy pillows, mints and to be released early, sir.

It's what they deserve.

That will cost exactly £871.14 assuming inflation at 3%.

What's happened?

You've both gone weird.

I just want to hug the prisoners.

I'm going to find out what's happened!

-Wait, sir! I want to give you a hug as well.

-Get out of it!

Je voudrais prendre une douche.

-Peter?

-Hello, Peter, me old mate.

-Greetings inmate.

Bonjour!

What have you been doing?

Oh, well, it was this amulet... That's right, the amulet!

Have a look, have a look and relax...

..and you're under!

Governor, forget anything you saw here today.

Forget everything.

Forget everything.

Was there something you wanted, gov?

Who's governor?

You're governor.

No really, who's governor? Who am I? What is this place?

Why am I wearing this suit?

-1.7 minutes to show time.

-Would a little squeeze help, sir?

Whoa, snap out of it. I didn't mean everything!

Governor, wake up!

Peter, I've lost my amulet, can't find it, have you seen...?

-What's going on?

-Oh, Tony, I've proper messed up.

I've got your amulet, wish I didn't.

I tried to use it but it's gone horribly wrong

I need your help, please can you help me? Ah!

NOOOOOO!!!

Only kidding! I had you going!

Let's get everyone back to normal, shall we?

Eu-u-r-r-r-g-ghh!

Bub-dibbly-ub-dub. Bub-dibbly-ub-dub.

Bub-bub-dub-bub-bub-bowwwwww! Bub!

-Mm.

-Oh! Right. Whatever just happened, just didn't.

You and your mind-bending friend have some explaining to do, pronto.

-His name's Peter, not Pronto.

-Shut up!

-Show time, sir.

-What is show time? What is time? Who's Noel Edmunds?

Oh, deary me, looks like you've got him in a very deep trance.

Don't worry, I've an idea.

Look into the amule-e-et!

And you are the governor.

For now, while I try and get him fixed.

Who's the governor? I'm the governor!

In that case, it's....

Show time!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer

where you decide which prisoner is released.

Now, please welcome your host.

Keeping criminals at bay until you've had your say,

it's the governor!

APPLAUSE

Who's the governor?

-AUDIENCE:

-You're the governor!

Welcome to The Slammer. Let me tell you about the acts we've got.

We've got some wonderful guys who do extreme martial arts,

called Side Swipe.

-Ooooo!

-Oooooo!

And a guy that works with a skinny lamppost,

Ed Muir on Chinese pole.

-Ooooo!

-Ooooo!

And also a gentlemen that does amazing things with water.

And the act's called Waterman!

-Ooooo!

-Ooooo!

First, we have a wonderful act for you. He's a magician

but will he be magicking his way out or staying for a longer spell?

Let's find out as you give a warm welcome to Christian Magician!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, what an amazing act.

But will you be saying abracadabra or abracadoo-doo? Over to Mr Burgess.

Your favourite bit?

When the bird just disappeared.

The BUR-GESS disappeared? Me?

No! The actual bird.

Oh, the bir-D just disappeared. Diction!

-What did you think?

-I thought it was really good, the dogs were cute.

-They were. Do you have dogs?

-No.

-Might you release him today?

-Yes.

-You haven't seen the others.

-Yeah.

-Wow, you must have loved him.

-And sum that act up in one final word, sir.

-Exhilarating.

Exhilarating, sir, very good, very good.

Time for today's second act.

And what an act for you, it's wonderful!

Your full name is Edward Archibald Robbins.

You have a liking for drinking tea,

marmalade, silk underpants and the music of James Blunt.

Forget the last one, I'll do you a favour.

And you're the governor of The Slammer,

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-poo! And you're back.

-You still in a trance?

-No, give us a hand out of this chair.

-The Freedom Show!

-Gov, this way.

-Oh, yes.

-Hey, there seems to be a mistake here.

-Hey, there's no mistake here.

-There is a mistake.

-There isn't a mistake.

-I'm the governor!

-I'm the governor!

-I'm governor!

-I'm governor!

-Never mind all that.

-Never mind all that.

-We'll decide...

-Who's the governor?

-You're the governor!

There, see. Hand it over. Thank you.

-Mr Burgess, take him to the cells.

-Right.

-Clear off.

-What you doing?

-Hello, who's the governor?

-You're the governor!

Got rid of him. Your suit looks ridiculous. On with the show.

In The Slammer for knocking an audience out, literally -

the martial arts genius of Side Swipe!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

RAGGA MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Pump It" by Black Eyed Peas

HA-A-A!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Careful with them lot, they'll come back at ya like that.

-He-ha-oo-ha-he-ha-oo.

-BACK CRACKS

Ohhh! No, you're all right, love, go get me embrocation.

-Oh, dear, oh.

-AUDIENCE GIGGLE

-I think I've pulled a fat.

-LAUGHTER

Anyway, what did you think of that act? Mr Burgess? Mr Burgess? Oh!

Now then, sir, was that crouching tiger or a hidden dragon?

It was really good, they were very acrobatic.

-They were very skilful.

-Very skilful.

-You liked that?

-Yes.

-Preferred it to the first?

-They're equal.

-They're equal in your mind?

-Yes. It's going to be a tight contest.

"It's going to be tight." I like how you're thinking.

Did you like them?

Fantastic is not the word, it was brilliant. It was awesome, quality.

Have one final word, sir!

-Lively.

-Lively, sir!

Will Side Swipe be karate-ing they're way to freedom?

You will decide. On to our next performing prisoner.

What an act! A man and his pole.

-He's serving...

-Right, this should get everything back to normal.

Your full name is Peter Nokio.

You are a friend of Melvin Odoom.

Just a sec.

And you'll clean the cell even if it's Melvin's turn.

You'll let Melvin choose the TV channel and give him your pudding.

-Ala-la-ca-a!

-Ah! CLANG

What will you think of Ed Muir on Chinese Pole?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# If someone stood up in a crowd

# And raised his voice up way out loud

# And waved his arm and shook his leg

# You'd notice him

# If someone in the movie show

# Yelled "Fire in the second row"

# This whole place is a powder keg

# You'd notice him

# And even without clucking like a hen

# Everyone gets noticed now and then

# Unless of course that personage should be...

# ..invisible

# inconsequential

# ..me!

# Cellophane

# Mr Cellophane

# Should'a been my name

# Mr Cellophane

# Cos you can look right through me

# Walk right by me

# And never know I'm there

# I tell ya, Cellophane

# Mr Cellophane

# Should'a been my name

# Mr Cellophane

# Cos you can look right through me

# Walk right by me

# And never know I'm there

# I tell ya

# Cellophane

# Mr Cellophane

# Should'a been my name

# Mr Cellophane

# Cos you can look right through me

# Walk right by me

# And never know I'm there

# Never...even...know...

# I'm there

CHEERING AND APPLUASE

# I hope I haven't taken up too much of your time. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm walking into the pole I was that impressed.

But what did you think of that act?

I liked it cos he did lots I'd like to do.

So what would you like to do?

-Hang upside down.

-Are you a bat, sir?

-Maybe.

What a strange boy.

It was cool. I didn't think he'd be able to hold on that long.

He's brave. But I'm not sure about his clothes, the hat especially.

-LAUGHTER

-Right, and for one final word.

-Sir...

-Gravity-defying.

That's two, but I'll allow it. Gravity-defying.

Ed Muir on his pole. Has he done enough to go free?

One more act to see. Are you having a good time?

-Yeah!

-AUDIENCE: YEAH!

One more prisoner to see.

What a marvellous act this is.

It's very unusual. He's called Waterman, he's serving one year

for going to a Wet Wet Wet concert and making them wet-wet-wetter.

Please give a great big welcome to Waterman!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

CALYPSO-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give him a big cheer!

CHEERING

I need me wellies after that.

Well, wet, wet, wet, what, what, what?

Waterman or Waterworld?

I thought it was absolutely brilliant and I love the way he squirted

water out of his mouth. I'd give him nine out of ten.

-Did you like that unusual act?

-Yeah, it was incredible.

He was like a human water-fountain.

I woulnd't like a drink from that fountain, would you?

-No! Eurgh. But good enough to go free?

-Yeah.

Now, I believe you've drawn a picture of this act.

-Yes.

-Would you like to hold it up and show everyone?

Hold it up nice and high. There's Waterman, there.

-Waterman, yakking up the water, is that how you descibe it?

-Yes.

-Yakking water?

-Yes.

-Yes. Any other way of descibing that act, sir?

It was very good, I thought it was a bit weird, though.

Right for one final word...

-Sir...

-'Mazin'.

'Mazin', sir.

Well, true variety there, four different acts.

Only one can go free with the aid of this...

..the clapometer!

But first let's welcome them all back, the performing prisoners,

Christian Magician, Side Swipe,

Ed Muir on Chinese Pole and Waterman!

Oh, marvellous. There they are.

What's going to happen? Who's going to get the highest score?

First, a very unusual act, costing us a fortune

here in The Slammer, just in pet food.

Will he go free with his chums? Make noise for...

..Christian Magician!

SCREAMING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, wow!

A great score, 83.4.

And that's for the doggie and the paws, wonderful!

These men were knock-out, weren't they? All over the place

with martial arts. What did you think of Side Swipe?

Wow, look at that.

Into the lead.

Into the lead, with 89 it's Side Swipe. Yeah!

Perhaps they'll be able to buy some shoes.

But the next man had shoes, he had a hat, he had a pole.

Will he go over the wall on his pole?

It's Ed Muir on Chinese Pole.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A great act but you're staying for sloppy, ploppy porridge.

Good score. But still in the lead with 89, will that be enough

for Side Swipe to go free?

Welcome our final act. They were unusual, sensational,

will they be going free from The Slammer?!

It's Waterman!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's a good score, 81.1. But that means the winners going free

swiping their way out on 89, it's Side Swipe!

-CHEEERING

-You're free to go.

Take them away, you're free to go. Give them a cheer!

They're out. Great scores. Give all the prisoners

a big round of applause. They were all brilliant.

But...it means they're going back to the cells.

It means you're staying for tea, as well.

And, Mr Burgess, what's for tea?

It's a three course meal tonight, sir.

At last! What are the three courses?

Sloppy, ploppy and porridge.

OH! Take them back there. Big round of applause for all of them.

That's almost it from The Slammer but remember

if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

AUDIENCE: DON'T DO THE CRIME!

Join us again soon, for more fun. Give us a cheer and bye-bye!

CHEERING

# It's the only way you'll ever leave

# The Slammer! #

Well, that's taught me a lesson.

I'm never going to use hypnosis again.

Tony, Mr Burgess says you have to sort through

these cheesy socks for laundry.

A-A-A-AH!

-Sleep!

-CLANG

Well, nearly never!