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Episode 12 The Slammer

Episode 12

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Transcript

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# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer, where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit to try and get released

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# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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# Leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

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-What's going on?

-Upgrading our technology

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-and optimising our infrastructure!

-What's going on?

-New computer.

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-Gimbert's almost finished plugging it in.

-Have I?

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The most sophisticated computer money can buy.

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Connected to everything - cell doors, lighting, speakers,

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and if I'm busy, it'll insult you for me!

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And it'll make me a nice, milky drink!

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What if I'm too busy?

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-Break wind!

-It'll even choose the Freedom Show acts.

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-Letting a computer pick the acts?!

-Yes.

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I was sceptical at first, but what could be fairer?

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No person could ever be as lacking in emotions as a machine.

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Anyway. It's Freedom Show today.

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If it was up to me, I'd pick Shadow Master.

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Does wonderful things with his hands.

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Matt Hennem, king of the crystal ball.

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Snake Girl, you have to see her to believe her!

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And Pluck, a fantastic comedy trio.

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But we'll have to see what the computer picks.

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Apparently, it's idiot-proof. Gimbert, ready to switch on?

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Right, uncle. Although there might be a power surge!

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Aaaaaaghh!

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Well done, Gimbert, it's working.

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Let's see if I can control it.

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Don't you think we should read the manual?

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Don't be silly, I know my Y-box from my M3P player!

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And I've had a Wee!

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Now, I bet you this button opens the front gates.

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-Oh. Perhaps we should read the manual after all.

-Good idea, sir.

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What does this one do?

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RUSHING OF AIR

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-Stop it, Jeremy!

-I don't know how to!

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What about this button?

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Well done. Although you do seem to have booked two flights to Venice!

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We'll have to read that manual, and properly! Where is it?

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-It's here, sir.

-And here.

-And here.

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We need to put it back in order. Mr Burgess?

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-Gimbert?

-Melvin?

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The wardens want you to sort out the manual for the new computer.

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Why do I get all the rubbish jobs? Once, I had to clean the toilet

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using only a pair of chopsticks!

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I know, they asked for you especially...again.

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Well, all right.

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Great, yeah.

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-Hey, you got it working!

-Yeah, and I did it all be myself!

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You liar!

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This manual is really interesting! We can control anything from here.

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Lights, alarms, doors...there's doors I didn't even know existed!

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There's even a map of the prison.

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You want to be in the Freedom Show today.

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You control the computer, which picks the acts. Know what this means?

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It's...nearly dinner time!

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No, we can put you in the Freedom Show!

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Should be easy. If I type in something like...

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change the Freedom Show acts...

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change one act to Peter Nocchio...

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-Oh! "Warning - never, never..."

-..press the escape key.

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.."press the escape key."

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Melvin, you great drongo, what are we going to do now?

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Pass me the manual.

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"Thank you for purchasing this computer.

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"To start the web proxy server..."

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That should do it.

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Oh! It's completely locked me out. Can't even get on Facebook!

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I need those acts printed, it's almost show time!

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I'm trying, sir...there we go.

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Right, that's better.

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Today's Freedom Show acts are...

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Richard and Judy, a tin of Spam, some fluff, a hamster and a rake?!

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-Utter rubbish!

-A rake's useful!

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-Come here, son.

-Yes, uncle?

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Aaaaagh!

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We'll go with my shortlist. It's almost show time. Pesky computer!

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Oooh! Aaagh!

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Try the toaster!

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That's better. How do I look?

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-Wet!

-Wet!

-Thank you very much. It's show time!

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Laidmen and gentlies, welcome to Slammer MH!

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Where you is released which prisoners decide!

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-Host please welcome your now...

-Oh, flipping computer!

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Guv the Itsnor!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Who's The Governor?

-You're The Governor!

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-Feeling good?

-Yeah!

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BUZZZZZZ!

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Ooh, sorry about that. Ooh, dear! What's happening here?

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-A few technical problems...

-LOUD FARTING NOISE

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FARTING NOISE CONTINUES

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Sorry about that, jailers and jailbirds,

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some computer problems. But don't worry,

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we've got some marvellous performers.

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We've got Matt Hennem,

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who does wonderful things with a crystal ball,

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a very bendy act called Snake Girl,

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and a marvellous musical trio, Pluck!

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But on to our first performing prisoner, convict connoisseurs.

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Serving four years in the Barker Wing for being a light-fingered act,

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the shade and shadow and magic of...The Shadow Master!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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COCKEREL CROWING

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MAN WHISTLING

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SMALL DOG BARKING

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LARGER DOG BARKING

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BULLDOG GROWLING

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DOG PANTING

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BIRD TWITTERING

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DUCK QUACKING

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HORSE WHINNYING

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GALLOPING NOISE

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WILD WESTERN THEME MUSIC

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CAVALRY BUGLE FANFARE

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MUSIC: "All The Way" by Frank Sinatra

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# So if you let me love you

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# It's for sure I'm gonna love you

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# All the way

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# All the way. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well, let's hear it for The Shadow Master, everybody!

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Big round of applause for The Shadow Master!

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Will he be seeing daylight, or will he stay in the shade of his cell?

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Let's find out from a man

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with more than a hint of the night about him. Mr Burgess!

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What did you think?

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-It was good.

-It was good?

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Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very good!

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That was very good, miss!

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I think it's a strange but clever talent.

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It is. Can you do any?

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-I can do a dog.

-Go on, let's see your dog.

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Put it in front of there, like that.

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-There's my dog.

-It's a hand dog! Yeah.

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-Sum that act up for us in one word.

-Fun.

-Fun?

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-Fun, sir!

-Will The Shadow Master go free?

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-Come on, Melv. You can do it!

-Make it a bit quicker!

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Many more to see...

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-Who is he?!

-That's Buscemi!

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-..three of them, in fact...

-EXPLOSION

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Naah-na-nyaah-na-nyaah!

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-Don't panic!

-Try the break key!

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Ooh!

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Dear oh dear!

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Jailers and jailbirds, please welcome

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the talents of Matt Hennem!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: "Broken Dreams" by Basement Jaxx

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's hear it for Matt Hennem, please!

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Matt Hennem, with his crystal ball. What does the future hold for him?

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What about you?

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I think it was pretty good, about as good as the one before it.

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It was interesting how he kept the ball in one place, but still danced!

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Did you like him?

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-I think it was absolutely fantastic and futurastic!

-Futurastic?

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-Spectacular.

-Spectacular.

-And brilliant, and fantastic.

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-Remembered any other words?

-No.

-Oh, good!

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And for one final word, sum that act up for us...miss.

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It was amazing and fun.

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You know, it never ceases to amaze me, when I ask for one word,

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I get a diatribe! Are you gonna play ball, miss?

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-Right, OK. For one final word, miss?

-Wicked!

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Wicked, sir!

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You know the expression, "your flexible friend"?

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The next performer is certainly that.

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A very unusual act indeed,

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one of the strangest acts that I've...what's happened to my voice?

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-I'm not saying, I'm gone!

-Get off the desk!

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-SQUEAKY VOICE

-Oh, dear! Mr Burgess!

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A few microphone difficulties there.

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-Probably the computer again.

-My voice!

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I don't sound dignified!

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Try mine, sir.

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Try the up key, the up key!

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-I'm trying!

-Up, up!

-It's not working!

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-DEEP VOICE

-I can't use this!

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It sounds like I'm talking through my bottom!

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-SQUEAKY VOICE

-It has been known, sir!

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Now you're talking ridiculously! That pesky computer!

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Shut up, Buscemi! I'm gonna click "cancel".

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Is that better? It's back to normal.

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You have that one and I'll have that one.

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-Is that me, sir?

-Yes.

-Is that you, sir?

-I think so.

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Check the microphones. Sell them, if possible! Where was I?

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I was introducing the next performer...the lights are going!

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That computer! Might need candles by the end of the show!

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Jailers and jailbirds, before anything else goes wrong,

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let's see our next performer.

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Serving four years in The Slammer for trying to eat Roland Rat,

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will you please welcome... Snake Girl!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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A big round of applause for our fabulous performing prisoner there!

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She's called the Snake Girl, isn't she wonderful?

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I can't even bend over to do me shoelaces! What did you think?

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-Miss?

-It looked good and weird at the same time,

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and I think she's more than double-jointed.

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-Would you say triple-jointed?

-Even more than that!

-Quad-jointed?

-Yeah.

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-More than that, are you sticking on quad?

-Quad.

-Right, quad-jointed.

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-Tell us about that act.

-Amazing, brilliant, bendy, fantastic,

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-Flexible, scary, a bit...

-Scary, a bit!

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Could you sum that act up for me in one final word?

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Weird!

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You even banged your nose on the microphone! Weird!

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One more performer to see. Have you been enjoying the show so far?

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Pete, I've tried everything! Hit the mouse, thrown it against the wall,

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-it's still nothing!

-I've got it. Complicated, but it might work.

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Why not try...control, alt, delete?

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Make some noise for Pluck!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good afternoon, boys and girls.

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Good afternoon!

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We are Pluck.

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Today on the Freedom Show, we are going to play for you

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a piece by James...

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Today on the Freedom Show, we are going to play...

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..a piece by James Hendri.

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THEY PLAY "PURPLE HAZE" OUT OF TUNE

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THEY CARRY ON, IN TUNE

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# 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky... #

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What you flamin' playing at?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yes. Ooh! Pluck, there.

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Needless to say, don't start setting fire to any musical instruments,

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or on anything! Or you'll have Mr Burgess to answer to.

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What an unusual act. James Hendri, or Jimi Hendrix to some!

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What did you think? Purple Haze, or was it more of a fog?

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-What did you make of that?

-I thought it was absolutely crazy.

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Absoutely crazy? Why was it crazy, miss?

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Because he just took the fire thing and set the thing on fire!

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-Was he just absolutely raving bonkers?

-Lock him, up yeah!

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-I thought it was funny, but I thought they shouldn't win.

-Why not?

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I thought the other act was better, the snake lady.

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A final word to sum up that act. Miss?

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I thought it was funny and exciting.

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Now, miss...

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-How many words did I just ask for?

-One.

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So, to sum that act up in one final word?

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-Funny.

-It was funny, sir!

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Four great acts, but only one will go free.

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You will decide with this - the fabulous clapometer!

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Whoever makes the most noise will go free, simple as that.

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So let's welcome them all back!

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The Shadow Master! Matt Hennem!

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The lovely Snake Girl!

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And Pluck! All three of them, there they are.

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Wonderful. Well, they all performed brilliantly, very different acts.

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Only one can go free. Who's it gonna be? The other three will stay,

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but let's find out as we ask each act to step forward.

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First of all - unusual and entertaining,

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what did you think of The Shadow Master?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Very good, Gimbert, yes. 89.4!

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A very good score, almost into the 90s there, The Shadow Master.

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Let's go on to our second act with his crystal ball,

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do you see a bright future for Matt Hennem?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Into the 90s there, 91.9, brilliant!

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Well, we next had an unusual act.

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She looked at the world from many different ways!

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What a contortionist! Wonderful act.

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Please make some noise and show your appreciation

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for the Snake Girl!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh! The Snake Girl, 91.2!

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Matt Hennem's still in the lead.

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But there's one more act to see.

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Could they snatch triumph at the last moment? Let's see.

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See what you think of Pluck!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, they got to 90. Marvellous scores!

0:26:370:26:40

The winner, going free with his crystal ball, it's Matt Hennem!

0:26:400:26:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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He's free to go. Off you go, take your crystal ball!

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Give him a big round of applause, jailers and jailbirds!

0:26:500:26:55

Well, the rest, the good news is, you're staying for tea.

0:26:550:27:00

-What's for tea?

-Thought we'd try one of these instant meals, sir.

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-Instant meal? What is it?

-You empty the contents into a bowl, add water,

0:27:050:27:09

and stick in the microwave, sir.

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-What is the instant meal?

-Sloppy-Ploppy Porridge.

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Ooh, I thought so. Take him away! Give them a big hand, please!

0:27:150:27:20

Off they go, back to the cells.

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Well, that's almost it...

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Bye-bye! There waving as they go back to the cells!

0:27:250:27:29

That's almost it from everybody here in The Slammer, except one thing -

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-if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-Don't do the crime!

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See you soon! Give yourselves a big round of applause.

0:27:380:27:42

-Well, the Freedom Show went well, Gimbert!

-It did, yes.

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It's nice to have that computer finally turned off.

0:27:520:27:55

-What are you having for tea?

-Sloppy-Ploppy Porridge.

-Oh...

0:27:550:27:59

Glad we've got The Slammer back under human control!

0:27:590:28:03

That's what you think, fatso!

0:28:030:28:09

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