Episode 13 The Slammer

# You've been guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch an audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer!

# One, two, three, stop! #

Oh, yeah, rock'n'roll! You guys make McFly look like pensioners!

-Well done.

-Also today we have Dan Menendez, the piano juggler.

HE PLAYS A JOLLY TUNE

I love an act that can multi-task. Two for the price of one! Who now?

This is prisoner Johnny Brenner.

Seems like a balanced individual. You've come on a long way, son.

-I'm very proud.

-And finally, Uncle, this is Barto.

-See what he does with a coat hanger!

-Oh, er...

Yes, it's a... And isn't it...? Double and... I like the helmet.

Oh, a laughing policeman! Haven't had one of those in a while.

-What are you called?

-Edward Archibald Robbins.

-That's my name!

You're under arrest.

Mr Burgess, what's going on?!

Grievous crime against showbiz, sir.

-It's a mistake.

-These officers say that last Saturday

you invaded the stage at the Royal Ballet.

Pirouetting into the ballerina and knocking the poor girl flying.

It took them three hours to extract her from a tuba.

I've never been to the Royal Ballet.

Listen, WPC Pernackerpants and you, big boy,

you can't arrest an innocent man without any....

Oh... Evidence.

But that can't be me!

Last Saturday I had a quiet night in with Mrs Governor and Doctor Who.

There's only one explanation - I've been framed! Not that type of frame!

-It's a fit-up!

-But with all due respect,

that's what all you showbiz shirkers say.

-Take him to a cell.

-Sorry, Uncle, I mean Governor Robbins.

Shirker?! Get your hands off me!

COCKEREL CROWS

Come along, you entertainment 'erberts, out of those cells.

-Left, right, left, right, left!

-It's a bit early.

You know I like the prisoners to have a lie-in on Freedom Show day.

Mr Burgess to you.

What you like no longer matters. You're a prisoner, my lad.

Any minute now, our new governor is arriving - Mr Beltem.

-ALL:

-Mr Beltem!

-Oh, yes.

< DOOR UNLOCKS

Governor on parade! ATTENTION!

DRAMATIC SINISTER MUSIC

-Be silent!

-Hey...

-At ease.

-Thank you, sir.

-You must be Mr Beltem.

I'm Mr Robbins, former governor of The Slammer.

-I don't touch prisoners. Know why?

-Please tell us, Mr Beltem.

Because you're dirty, filthy, good-for-nothing SCUM!

I understand this is a prison for entertainers.

Melvin O'Doon, song and dance man.

MUSIC: "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson

There's nothing I hate MORE than entertainers.

-So, from now on this place will be run like a proper prison.

-Oooh!

All showbiz activity, performance -

rehearsal or otherwise - is strictly banned.

-As for your Freedom Show..

-Freedom show...! Ridiculous.

-Forget it.

-No!

-No prisoner will ever be free again, not in a million YEARS!

-Have I made myself clear?

-Oh, absolutely, sir.

That's more like it.

How long do we have to smash up boulders for no reason?

Until you finish all 4,000 of them, you cocky little lowlife.

Yes.

Get those balls away from me.

Have that man thrown in solitary confinement for 37 weeks.

< Take that man away.

Very good. Very good. Sir, after you.

-125, 126...

-So, how is our illustrious former governor doing?

Not bad, Mr Beltem, sir. Only 4,874 lifts to go.

Ah, suffering prisoners.

It gives me a wonderful, icy feeling deep down inside.

Oh, yes, the icy-cold feeling, sir. I'm getting it too, sir.

Come on, no slacking.

-Wonderful man. Wonderful man.

-You heard Mr Beltem.

-No slacking, Uncle. Um, Mr Robbins.

-AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

-Ah!

-Don't you KNOCK?!

-Sorry, sir. You sent for me, sir.

-Yes, I did, Burgess, yes, indeed.

As you'll no doubt understand,

I demand the same level of discipline from my wardens

-as I do from the prisoners.

-Absolutely, sir.

Which is why I'm making a few minor changes that will affect you.

I'm all for change, sir. SINISTER LAUGH

Annual holidays to be reduced from four weeks to 14 minutes.

EXTRA-itchy hair shirts to be worn under uniforms at all times.

No more afternoon tea and choccie biscuits.

I shall do this whenever I like.

No pain, no gain, Burgess!

There, there, Frank. That Mr Beltem's a monster.

-The new governor's got to go.

-But how?

Remember when he first arrived, I did a bit of a dance for him.

And he acted like he was scared.

And when Dan Menendez was in the yard juggling, he looked terrified.

And I just caught him reading a book - Cure Your Showbiz Phobia.

-Showbiz phobia, what is that?

-Well, Charlie, it's fear of entertainers.

-He pretends to hate them when...

-He's terrified of 'em.

I think I have a plan.

# Another opening, another show

# In Philly, Boston or Baltimo' Time for stage folks to say hello

# Another opening of another show. #

Stay away from me. Oh, the horror!

SINGING DROWNED OUT BY SHOUTING

CIRCUS CLOWN MUSIC

Oh!

The governor of a prison for entertainers with showbiz phobia!

-Can't be a governor if you're afraid of the inmates.

-I need help.

The best way to overcome a phobia is face it head on!

In that case, let's chain Mr Beltem

to the front row during today's Freedom Show!

-Look, sir.

-A ballet tutu and a governor mask. He framed the guv!

This place is not a proper prison. It's too...soft!

I'll show you soft. How do I look?

-Great.

-Thank you very much.

In that case, it's show time!

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Please welcome your host -

'he's been reinstated, his teeth are all gold-plated,

'his pupils are dilated and his trumps are syncopated...'

PHHRRRTTTT!

'..it's the governor!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yeah, who's the governor?!

-CHILDREN: You're the governor!

We have got some fantastic performers for you.

-We've got a very high-up act called Johnny Brenner.

-Oooooh!

A strange man in a strange pair of trousers

called Barto.

CHILDREN: Oooooh!

-And a real live-wire act called Three-Pin Socket!

-Oooh!

Now a prisoner serving an extra two years in the Corbett wing

of The Slammer because he plays the piano in a strange way.

He tried to escape using the keys. Please welcome Dan Menendez!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A HESITANT, SLOW TUNE IS PLAYED

TUNE GETS MUCH FASTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "The Can-Can"

MUSIC IS SLOW THEN BECOMES FASTER AND FASTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen - Dan Menendez.

Bouncing all those balls. Marvellous.

Did he hit the right note with you? Mr Burgess?

-Was it a case of Can-Can or can't-can't?

-Can-Can.

-Why?

-He looked funny when he looked like that...

-Like what, sir?

-When he flicked his jacket up.

-Like to demonstrate?

Flick your tail, sir.

AUDIENCE GIGGLES

-Do you feel better for seeing that?

-Yeah.

-You usually feel better after seeing the doctor, sir.

-Did you like it?

It was amazing. I loved it when he balanced it on his head.

This could have worked out so well for the pair of us but...

-Go on, how are you feeling?

-One of the scariest things I've ever seen.

Those hideous bouncing balls, that horrid piano.

One word, sir, just looking for the one.

-Fantastic.

-Fantastic, sir.

Well, on to our next performing prisoner. What an act this is.

Please welcome Johnny Brenner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Let Me Entertain You" by Robbie Williams

# Hell is gone and heaven's here There's nothing left for you to fear

# Shake your ass, come over here Now scream

# The effigy of everything I used to be, you're my rock of empathy

# My dear, so come on

# Let me entertain you

# Let me entertain you

# Life's too short for you to die so grab yourself an alibi

# Heaven knows, your mother lied mon cher

# Separate your right from wrongs Come and sing a different song

# The kettle's on

# Come on, let me entertain you

# Let me entertain you

# Look me up in the Yellow Pages I will be your rock of ages

# See through your fads and crazy phases, yeah

# Little Bo Beep has lost his sheep He popped a pill and fell asleep

# The dew is wet but the grass is sweet

# Your mind gets burned with the habits you've learned

# But we're the generation that's gotta be heard

# You're tired of your teachers and your school's a drag

# You're gonna end up like your mum and dad

# So come on, let me entertain you

# Let me entertain you. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Let me entertain you

# He may be good He may be out of sight

# But he can't be here so come round tonight. #

Whoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give him a big cheer! Johnny Brenner!

And remember, no messing around with flames. What did you think?

What did you make of that, Mr Beltem?

Flaming rubbish!

Flaming...

-Sir?

-It was really tense cos of the fire.

-Tense?

-Yeah.

-Go on, sir.

-Could have improved his outfit - it was see-through.

-See-through?

-Yes.

-That didn't appeal?

-No.

-How would you improve his costume?

Not see-through.

-What did you think of that act?

-Incredible - I wish I could do it.

-And was it a deep impact for you, or a sudden impact?

-A deep impact.

-Why, sir?

-That was the BEST thing on Earth!

I'd watch it again and again if I was allowed to.

-You'd watch it again and again?

-YES!

-How much, sir?

-100%

-Let me see the whites of your eyes. Say it again.

100%!

-100%, sir?

-Y-E-E-E-E-S!

-Thank you.

And for one final word, sum that act for me, sir.

Um...superb.

Superb, SIR!

With our next performer, I can't describe him - words fail me.

He's got the strangest pair of trousers I've ever seen - Barto!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oooh, bye-bye.

HE MAKES SILLY NOISES

LAUGHTER

HI-EEEE-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, give him a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen, yeah!

Now just one important thing,

I don't want anyone messing round with coat hangers.

But has he done enough to get free? Let's find out.

Now, is this getting any easier for you?

-Oh, Mr B, I just want to go home.

-Do you, now?

Are you cured of your showbiz phobia?

Curiously...ever so slightly.

-Do you like Barto?

-Yeah, I think he'll get a 93% chance to get out.

Go on, describe the act to me.

Erm...it was weird, but wonderful.

Right then, miss, what did you make of that? Was he a loony bin?

-Yes.

-Why?

-He was stupid.

THEY LAUGH

Stupid.

-Why was he stupid?

-Did you see the places where he put his hanger?

I did and it brought tears to my eyes!

-Did it yours?

-No.

THEY LAUGH

-Didn't bother you that much?

-No.

-Think we should release him?

-No.

-Do you say yes to anything?

-No.

Fair comment. And for a final word... Miss.

-Gross.

-Gross.

Jailors and jailbirds, one more performing prisoner.

These three, very unusual. They're 13 years of age.

About the same age as my jokes.

Will you please make some noise for Three-Pin Socket!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# One, two, three, go!

# So help me I'm in trouble

# Help me I need you now

# Help me I'm in trouble

# I'm lost in misery now

# I can see the sight of distress

# When I dreamt you were second best

# Lost in misery now

# Lost in misery now

# I'm sick and tired of people watching over me

# Lost in misery

# So help me I'm in trouble

# So help me I need you now

# Help me I'm in trouble

# I am lost in misery now

# I can see the sight of distress

# When I dreamt you were second best

# Lost in misery now

# I am lost in misery now

# I'm sick and tired of people watching over me

# Lost in misery

# Sick and tired of people watching over me

# Lost in misery

# Lost in misery now

# Lost in misery now

# Lost in misery now

# Lost in misery now

# Sick and tired of people watching over me

# Lost in misery

# On, two, three, stop! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Three-Pin Sockets. What did you think?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Lost In Misery. I know I was, listening to that.

-What about you, miss?

-I liked the drummer, he's cool.

Got a bit of a crush on him?

Did you like him?

SHE GIGGLES

Did you think he was a bit nice?

Did you? You can tell me, no-one else's listening.

-Did you, miss?

-I really liked the music.

-Would you like to release him?

-Yes.

Then you could meet him and have tea.

Mr Beltem?

Thank you, sir.

-Did you like Three-Pin Socket?

-I thought the lyrics were great.

The singer was awesome. The drummer was wicked.

And the guitarist was cooly-cool.

And for one final word...miss.

-Wicked!

-Wicked.

Sir.

Who's gonna go free? Let's decide with this.

The wonderful Clapometer!

Yeees! Marvellous, isn't it?

That's what decides who goes free. You have four to choose from.

Let's welcome them onto the stage! Dan Menendez!

Johnny Brenner.

Barto and Three-Pin Socket!

Whoever gets the highest score walks free.

The rest - it'll be the usual for supper.

First up, let's hear it for Dan Menendez!

THEY CLAP AND CHEER LOUDLY

A good score. Oh! 62.4. All right, then.

Not a bad score.

But can it be beaten? Let's see.

The next act - a wonderful, sensational act, Johnny Brenner!

THEY CLAP AND CHEER WILDLY

A good score for Johnny - 73.2.

He's in the lead.

Will he be walking free?

Let's see as we welcome the next act - Barto!

THEY CLAP AND CHEER

No, it's not a winning score.

Still in the lead, ten points ahead, Johnny Brenner.

Three young musicians, now. Let's hear it for Three-Pin Socket!

THEY CHEER RAUCOUSLY

What a noise! Let's have a look.

That's the winner! 77, they're going free.

Let's hear it for Three-Pin Socket.

Give them a big round of applause, jailors and jailbirds.

For the three marvellous acts that didn't go free,

you're staying in the cellar.

But the good new is, you're still in time for tea.

Mr Burgess, I suppose you'll be serving

the same old sloppy-ploppy porridge?

No, I won't be serving that tonight.

-You won't?!

-No, sir, it's self-service.

They can help themselves!

Oh! Back to your cells. A big round of applause.

Off you go. Let's hear it for them.

Join us again soon for more fun here on the Freedom Show

and in The Slammer! Bye, everybody! Bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Come in.

# There's no business like show business

# Let's go on with the show. #

That's entertainment! There's hope for you.