Episode 13 The Slammer


Episode 13

Children's comedy set in a mock prison, guest starring Mark Benton. Acts performing in the Freedom Show include a musical juggler, a physical comedian and a junior rock band.


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Transcript


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# You've been guilty of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit to try and get released

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# So go fetch an audience Bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer!

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# One, two, three, stop! #

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Oh, yeah, rock'n'roll! You guys make McFly look like pensioners!

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-Well done.

-Also today we have Dan Menendez, the piano juggler.

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HE PLAYS A JOLLY TUNE

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I love an act that can multi-task. Two for the price of one! Who now?

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This is prisoner Johnny Brenner.

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Seems like a balanced individual. You've come on a long way, son.

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-I'm very proud.

-And finally, Uncle, this is Barto.

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-See what he does with a coat hanger!

-Oh, er...

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Yes, it's a... And isn't it...? Double and... I like the helmet.

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Oh, a laughing policeman! Haven't had one of those in a while.

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-What are you called?

-Edward Archibald Robbins.

-That's my name!

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You're under arrest.

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Mr Burgess, what's going on?!

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Grievous crime against showbiz, sir.

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-It's a mistake.

-These officers say that last Saturday

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you invaded the stage at the Royal Ballet.

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Pirouetting into the ballerina and knocking the poor girl flying.

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It took them three hours to extract her from a tuba.

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I've never been to the Royal Ballet.

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Listen, WPC Pernackerpants and you, big boy,

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you can't arrest an innocent man without any....

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Oh... Evidence.

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But that can't be me!

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Last Saturday I had a quiet night in with Mrs Governor and Doctor Who.

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There's only one explanation - I've been framed! Not that type of frame!

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-It's a fit-up!

-But with all due respect,

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that's what all you showbiz shirkers say.

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-Take him to a cell.

-Sorry, Uncle, I mean Governor Robbins.

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Shirker?! Get your hands off me!

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COCKEREL CROWS

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Come along, you entertainment 'erberts, out of those cells.

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-Left, right, left, right, left!

-It's a bit early.

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You know I like the prisoners to have a lie-in on Freedom Show day.

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Mr Burgess to you.

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What you like no longer matters. You're a prisoner, my lad.

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Any minute now, our new governor is arriving - Mr Beltem.

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-ALL:

-Mr Beltem!

-Oh, yes.

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< DOOR UNLOCKS

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Governor on parade! ATTENTION!

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DRAMATIC SINISTER MUSIC

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-Be silent!

-Hey...

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-At ease.

-Thank you, sir.

-You must be Mr Beltem.

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I'm Mr Robbins, former governor of The Slammer.

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-I don't touch prisoners. Know why?

-Please tell us, Mr Beltem.

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Because you're dirty, filthy, good-for-nothing SCUM!

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I understand this is a prison for entertainers.

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Melvin O'Doon, song and dance man.

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MUSIC: "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson

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There's nothing I hate MORE than entertainers.

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-So, from now on this place will be run like a proper prison.

-Oooh!

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All showbiz activity, performance -

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rehearsal or otherwise - is strictly banned.

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-As for your Freedom Show..

-Freedom show...! Ridiculous.

-Forget it.

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-No!

-No prisoner will ever be free again, not in a million YEARS!

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-Have I made myself clear?

-Oh, absolutely, sir.

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That's more like it.

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How long do we have to smash up boulders for no reason?

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Until you finish all 4,000 of them, you cocky little lowlife.

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Yes.

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Get those balls away from me.

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Have that man thrown in solitary confinement for 37 weeks.

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< Take that man away.

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Very good. Very good. Sir, after you.

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-125, 126...

-So, how is our illustrious former governor doing?

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Not bad, Mr Beltem, sir. Only 4,874 lifts to go.

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Ah, suffering prisoners.

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It gives me a wonderful, icy feeling deep down inside.

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Oh, yes, the icy-cold feeling, sir. I'm getting it too, sir.

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Come on, no slacking.

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-Wonderful man. Wonderful man.

-You heard Mr Beltem.

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-No slacking, Uncle. Um, Mr Robbins.

-AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

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-Ah!

-Don't you KNOCK?!

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-Sorry, sir. You sent for me, sir.

-Yes, I did, Burgess, yes, indeed.

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As you'll no doubt understand,

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I demand the same level of discipline from my wardens

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-as I do from the prisoners.

-Absolutely, sir.

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Which is why I'm making a few minor changes that will affect you.

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I'm all for change, sir. SINISTER LAUGH

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Annual holidays to be reduced from four weeks to 14 minutes.

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EXTRA-itchy hair shirts to be worn under uniforms at all times.

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No more afternoon tea and choccie biscuits.

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I shall do this whenever I like.

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No pain, no gain, Burgess!

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There, there, Frank. That Mr Beltem's a monster.

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-The new governor's got to go.

-But how?

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Remember when he first arrived, I did a bit of a dance for him.

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And he acted like he was scared.

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And when Dan Menendez was in the yard juggling, he looked terrified.

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And I just caught him reading a book - Cure Your Showbiz Phobia.

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-Showbiz phobia, what is that?

-Well, Charlie, it's fear of entertainers.

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-He pretends to hate them when...

-He's terrified of 'em.

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I think I have a plan.

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# Another opening, another show

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# In Philly, Boston or Baltimo' Time for stage folks to say hello

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# Another opening of another show. #

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Stay away from me. Oh, the horror!

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SINGING DROWNED OUT BY SHOUTING

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CIRCUS CLOWN MUSIC

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Oh!

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The governor of a prison for entertainers with showbiz phobia!

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-Can't be a governor if you're afraid of the inmates.

-I need help.

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The best way to overcome a phobia is face it head on!

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In that case, let's chain Mr Beltem

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to the front row during today's Freedom Show!

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-Look, sir.

-A ballet tutu and a governor mask. He framed the guv!

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This place is not a proper prison. It's too...soft!

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I'll show you soft. How do I look?

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-Great.

-Thank you very much.

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In that case, it's show time!

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'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

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'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

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'Please welcome your host -

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'he's been reinstated, his teeth are all gold-plated,

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'his pupils are dilated and his trumps are syncopated...'

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PHHRRRTTTT!

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'..it's the governor!'

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Yeah, who's the governor?!

-CHILDREN: You're the governor!

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We have got some fantastic performers for you.

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-We've got a very high-up act called Johnny Brenner.

-Oooooh!

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A strange man in a strange pair of trousers

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called Barto.

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CHILDREN: Oooooh!

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-And a real live-wire act called Three-Pin Socket!

-Oooh!

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Now a prisoner serving an extra two years in the Corbett wing

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of The Slammer because he plays the piano in a strange way.

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He tried to escape using the keys. Please welcome Dan Menendez!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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A HESITANT, SLOW TUNE IS PLAYED

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TUNE GETS MUCH FASTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: "The Can-Can"

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MUSIC IS SLOW THEN BECOMES FASTER AND FASTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Give a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen - Dan Menendez.

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Bouncing all those balls. Marvellous.

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Did he hit the right note with you? Mr Burgess?

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-Was it a case of Can-Can or can't-can't?

-Can-Can.

-Why?

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-He looked funny when he looked like that...

-Like what, sir?

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-When he flicked his jacket up.

-Like to demonstrate?

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Flick your tail, sir.

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AUDIENCE GIGGLES

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-Do you feel better for seeing that?

-Yeah.

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-You usually feel better after seeing the doctor, sir.

-Did you like it?

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It was amazing. I loved it when he balanced it on his head.

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This could have worked out so well for the pair of us but...

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-Go on, how are you feeling?

-One of the scariest things I've ever seen.

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Those hideous bouncing balls, that horrid piano.

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One word, sir, just looking for the one.

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-Fantastic.

-Fantastic, sir.

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Well, on to our next performing prisoner. What an act this is.

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Please welcome Johnny Brenner.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: "Let Me Entertain You" by Robbie Williams

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# Hell is gone and heaven's here There's nothing left for you to fear

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# Shake your ass, come over here Now scream

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# The effigy of everything I used to be, you're my rock of empathy

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# My dear, so come on

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# Let me entertain you

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# Let me entertain you

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# Life's too short for you to die so grab yourself an alibi

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# Heaven knows, your mother lied mon cher

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# Separate your right from wrongs Come and sing a different song

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# The kettle's on

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# Come on, let me entertain you

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# Let me entertain you

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# Look me up in the Yellow Pages I will be your rock of ages

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# See through your fads and crazy phases, yeah

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# Little Bo Beep has lost his sheep He popped a pill and fell asleep

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# The dew is wet but the grass is sweet

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# Your mind gets burned with the habits you've learned

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# But we're the generation that's gotta be heard

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# You're tired of your teachers and your school's a drag

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# You're gonna end up like your mum and dad

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# So come on, let me entertain you

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# Let me entertain you. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Let me entertain you

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# He may be good He may be out of sight

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# But he can't be here so come round tonight. #

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Whoo!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Give him a big cheer! Johnny Brenner!

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And remember, no messing around with flames. What did you think?

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What did you make of that, Mr Beltem?

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Flaming rubbish!

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Flaming...

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-Sir?

-It was really tense cos of the fire.

-Tense?

-Yeah.

-Go on, sir.

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-Could have improved his outfit - it was see-through.

-See-through?

-Yes.

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-That didn't appeal?

-No.

-How would you improve his costume?

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Not see-through.

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-What did you think of that act?

-Incredible - I wish I could do it.

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-And was it a deep impact for you, or a sudden impact?

-A deep impact.

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-Why, sir?

-That was the BEST thing on Earth!

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I'd watch it again and again if I was allowed to.

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-You'd watch it again and again?

-YES!

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-How much, sir?

-100%

-Let me see the whites of your eyes. Say it again.

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100%!

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-100%, sir?

-Y-E-E-E-E-S!

-Thank you.

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And for one final word, sum that act for me, sir.

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Um...superb.

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Superb, SIR!

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With our next performer, I can't describe him - words fail me.

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He's got the strangest pair of trousers I've ever seen - Barto!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oooh, bye-bye.

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HE MAKES SILLY NOISES

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LAUGHTER

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HI-EEEE-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, give him a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen, yeah!

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Now just one important thing,

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I don't want anyone messing round with coat hangers.

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But has he done enough to get free? Let's find out.

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Now, is this getting any easier for you?

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-Oh, Mr B, I just want to go home.

-Do you, now?

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Are you cured of your showbiz phobia?

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Curiously...ever so slightly.

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-Do you like Barto?

-Yeah, I think he'll get a 93% chance to get out.

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Go on, describe the act to me.

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Erm...it was weird, but wonderful.

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Right then, miss, what did you make of that? Was he a loony bin?

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-Yes.

-Why?

-He was stupid.

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THEY LAUGH

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Stupid.

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-Why was he stupid?

-Did you see the places where he put his hanger?

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I did and it brought tears to my eyes!

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-Did it yours?

-No.

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THEY LAUGH

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-Didn't bother you that much?

-No.

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-Think we should release him?

-No.

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-Do you say yes to anything?

-No.

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Fair comment. And for a final word... Miss.

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-Gross.

-Gross.

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Jailors and jailbirds, one more performing prisoner.

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These three, very unusual. They're 13 years of age.

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About the same age as my jokes.

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Will you please make some noise for Three-Pin Socket!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# One, two, three, go!

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# So help me I'm in trouble

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# Help me I need you now

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# Help me I'm in trouble

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# I'm lost in misery now

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# I can see the sight of distress

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# When I dreamt you were second best

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# Lost in misery now

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# Lost in misery now

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# I'm sick and tired of people watching over me

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# Lost in misery

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# So help me I'm in trouble

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# So help me I need you now

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# Help me I'm in trouble

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# I am lost in misery now

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# I can see the sight of distress

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# When I dreamt you were second best

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# Lost in misery now

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# I am lost in misery now

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# I'm sick and tired of people watching over me

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# Lost in misery

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# Sick and tired of people watching over me

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# Lost in misery

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# Lost in misery now

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# Lost in misery now

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# Lost in misery now

0:23:110:23:13

# Lost in misery now

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# Sick and tired of people watching over me

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# Lost in misery

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# On, two, three, stop! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Three-Pin Sockets. What did you think?

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Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

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Lost In Misery. I know I was, listening to that.

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-What about you, miss?

-I liked the drummer, he's cool.

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Got a bit of a crush on him?

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Did you like him?

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SHE GIGGLES

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Did you think he was a bit nice?

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Did you? You can tell me, no-one else's listening.

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-Did you, miss?

-I really liked the music.

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-Would you like to release him?

-Yes.

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Then you could meet him and have tea.

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Mr Beltem?

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Thank you, sir.

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-Did you like Three-Pin Socket?

-I thought the lyrics were great.

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The singer was awesome. The drummer was wicked.

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And the guitarist was cooly-cool.

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And for one final word...miss.

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-Wicked!

-Wicked.

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Sir.

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Who's gonna go free? Let's decide with this.

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The wonderful Clapometer!

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Yeees! Marvellous, isn't it?

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That's what decides who goes free. You have four to choose from.

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Let's welcome them onto the stage! Dan Menendez!

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Johnny Brenner.

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Barto and Three-Pin Socket!

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Whoever gets the highest score walks free.

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The rest - it'll be the usual for supper.

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First up, let's hear it for Dan Menendez!

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THEY CLAP AND CHEER LOUDLY

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A good score. Oh! 62.4. All right, then.

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Not a bad score.

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But can it be beaten? Let's see.

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The next act - a wonderful, sensational act, Johnny Brenner!

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THEY CLAP AND CHEER WILDLY

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A good score for Johnny - 73.2.

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He's in the lead.

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Will he be walking free?

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Let's see as we welcome the next act - Barto!

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THEY CLAP AND CHEER

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No, it's not a winning score.

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Still in the lead, ten points ahead, Johnny Brenner.

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Three young musicians, now. Let's hear it for Three-Pin Socket!

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THEY CHEER RAUCOUSLY

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What a noise! Let's have a look.

0:26:460:26:48

That's the winner! 77, they're going free.

0:26:480:26:51

Let's hear it for Three-Pin Socket.

0:26:510:26:54

Give them a big round of applause, jailors and jailbirds.

0:26:540:26:58

For the three marvellous acts that didn't go free,

0:26:580:27:02

you're staying in the cellar.

0:27:020:27:04

But the good new is, you're still in time for tea.

0:27:040:27:08

Mr Burgess, I suppose you'll be serving

0:27:080:27:11

the same old sloppy-ploppy porridge?

0:27:110:27:13

No, I won't be serving that tonight.

0:27:130:27:16

-You won't?!

-No, sir, it's self-service.

0:27:160:27:20

They can help themselves!

0:27:200:27:22

Oh! Back to your cells. A big round of applause.

0:27:220:27:25

Off you go. Let's hear it for them.

0:27:250:27:29

Join us again soon for more fun here on the Freedom Show

0:27:290:27:33

and in The Slammer! Bye, everybody! Bye!

0:27:330:27:36

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:450:27:48

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:480:27:52

Come in.

0:27:540:27:56

# There's no business like show business

0:27:560:28:00

# Let's go on with the show. #

0:28:000:28:04

That's entertainment! There's hope for you.

0:28:040:28:07

The governor gets locked up and a terrifying replacement takes over. Acts performing in the Freedom Show include a musical juggler, a physical comedian and a junior rock band.


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