Officer Meadows The Slammer

"Dear Nephew, things have been busy since you left.

"Sorry I haven't visited you in the hospital

"after the accident with the elephant

"and the chain saw swallower.

"I hope your eyebrows have grown back.

"We've had a few eyebrow-raising acts. Some eye-poppers...

"some show-stoppers...

"and some daft boppers.

"Send my love to your mother,

"I hope she's not too sad to have you back home.

"Thank her for my new mug.

"It makes the tea breaks go really quickly.

"Lots of love, the Governor."

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Thanks for applying

for the role of prison officer at The Slammer, Miss Knight.

You're a very impressive candidate.

Why did you leave your last job at the call centre?

You know, late nights... PHONE RINGS

Aaah!

Are you all right?

Yes, yes, of course.

Anyway, as I was saying, late nights...

PHONE RINGS Aaah!

OK, OK, I have a pathological fear of telephones.

Yes, well... Thanks for coming in, Miss Knight.

Pop your application form in the Magic Box of Dreams on your way out.

-Isn't that the bin?

-It's a magic box of dreams.

PHONE RINGS Aaah! No!

Next!

So, Mr Smith, tell me, what do you know about prisoners?

I used to be one.

Next!

Hee hee hee hee!

Next!

Who are you?

Holly Janice Jupiter Bungee Hedgehog Tesco Meadows.

Sorry I'm late, I walked past a woman on my way here,

-my phone went off and she jumped into a pond, I had to save her.

-Ooh!

Right, thank you. Oh...

Ooh, I see you graduated top of your class

-at the Prison Officer's Training Academy.

-Oh, yes!

Because of my ideas for improving prison life.

Prison should be a happy place!

We'll start the day with a huge chocolate marshmallow milkshake

-and a bouncy castle session.

-I love chocolate milkshakes.

-And bouncy castles!

-Who doesn't?

And every night the prison officers read the prisoners a bedtime story.

Right, Miss Meadows...

I think I can safely say,

as long as you satisfy Mr Burgess' requirements, you're in!

-Thank you!

-Oh...

-Sorry.

Burgess. It means...Warrior.

Meadows. It means...more than one meadow.

Well, you look a bit weedy to me. I hope you're tough enough.

You've got to be tough here - hardest prison in the country.

-I thought it was for entertainers...

-Entertainers? Entertainers, she says!

Now, listen. We had a magician in here, Tricky Timmy.

Practised his sawing trick on one of the officers.

-What happened?!

-Poor old Stanley.

He's half the man he used to be.

-All right, Stan?

-Crikey...

Right then, Miss, time to put you through your paces

-with the Burgess System.

-What's that?

-It sounds a bit extreme...

-Extremely effective!

To implement the Burgess System, there are three skills to master.

Is one of them singing?

-I made up a Prison Officer's song...

-No, it is not!

It's the Prison Officer's Walk, the Prison Officer's Stare

-and the Prison Officer's SHOUT!

-Oh, crikey.

Ah, yes.

There's nothing more intimidating than a good Prison Officer's Walk.

Your turn. One step at a time.

Remember, you can't Prison Officer Run

until you can Prison Officer Walk.

Ooh!

Enjoy your trip? Send us a postcard next time!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Whatever do they teach you at the academy these days?

Sorry, Miss, I didn't mean to ruin your test.

-Don't worry.

-I'm a comedian... not a very good one,

I didn't think anyone would actually laugh.

Maybe I'm not cut out to be a Prison Officer...

-it's a shame, though, I had such big plans...

-Yeah? Like what?

I thought it would be good for morale

if we gave the prisoners space hoppers

and installed water slides from cell to cell.

And maybe give them pocket money for good behaviour.

Sounds amazing, everyone would love that!

I'll tell you what we'll do...

-Right, Fields...

-Meadows.

-Whatever.

Stare him out.

Aaah!

So, how'd I do?

-All right, don't get smug, Fields...

-Meadows.

-Whatever.

There's still the Prison Officer's SHOUT!

You miserable worm!

No...worms are quite happy creatures actually,

and very good for soil. Er...

Only five minutes till the Freedom Show.

How's the new recruit?

She can stare the stare, but she can't walk the walk.

-Watch this. Fields!

-It's Meadows, sir.

Whatever. Prison Officer's Walk - at the double.

-What's up with you lot?

-She's just so...intimidating.

I think that ticks the box, Frank.

Only Prison Officer's Shout left.

Well, this should be good. Right, then, Fields,

the Governor wants all inmates in the auditorium immediately,

-dispatch your orders!

-Yes, Sir.

Right, listen up!

Move, you horrible lot, there's a show to be done!

Come on!

You call that a clown costume? That's a joke...

Get your act together!

-Actually, I think it's really lovely.

-What?

-You horrible clown!

-Better.

Very impressive. She could give you a run for your money!

-I think you'll find she was lucky.

-Oh, I think it's us who are lucky.

-Welcome to The Slammer, Prison Officer Meadows!

-Thank you.

-KLAXON BLARES

-Don't just stand there gawping!

Get in the office and pull the switch, there's a show to be done!

-Move those little legs!

-Ooh!

Ooh...

How do I look?

-Divine!

-Thank you very much. It's Showtime!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please welcome your host,

he's slapped paint on the walls and refurbished the place.

Now he's going to slap a fat smile on your face!

It's the Governor! APPLAUSE

-Who's the Governor?

-ALL:

-You're the Governor!

Oh, Jailers and Jailbirds, it's great to see you for a Freedom Show.

But before we do anything else, we've got a new addition

to The Slammer, it's Prison Officer Meadows.

We've got a Freedom Show, ladies and gentlemen.

Four acts who are all here in The Slammer,

who've committed crimes but are hoping to get free.

You will decide who's going free. And what acts we've got for you!

We've got a magical act called Magic Lee.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

We've got a wonderful cycling act,

the sensational Alice Allart and her bike show!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Yeah. She'll knock you out your saddle.

And a mime act all the way from Japan called Gamarjobat!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

But first, performing prisoners, an act that is serving four years

in The Slammer, they're really, really "Bad".

And you'll understand when you welcome Thriller Live!

MUSIC: "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson

# As he came into the window It was the sound of a crescendo

# He came into her apartment

# He left the bloodstains on the carpet

# She ran underneath the table He could see she was unable

# So she ran into the bedroom

# She was struck down it was her doom

# Annie, are you OK?

# So, Annie are you OK?

# Are you OK, Annie? Annie, are you OK?

# So, Annie are you OK?

# Are you OK, Annie? Annie, are you OK?

# So, Annie are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?

# Annie, are you OK?

# So, Annie are you OK? are you OK, Annie?

# Annie are you OK?

# Will you tell us that you're OK?

# There's a sign in the window

# That he struck you a crescendo, Annie

# He came into your apartment

# Left the bloodstains on the carpet

# Then you ran into the bedroom

# You were struck down It was your doom

# Annie, are you OK?

# So, Annie are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?

# You've been hit by You've been struck by

# A smooth criminal... #

Ow!

OK, I want everybody to clear the area right now.

Ow!

Ow!

# Annie, are you OK? Will you tell us that you're OK?

# There's a sign in the window

# That he struck you a crescendo, Annie

# He came into your apartment

# Left the bloodstains on the carpet

# Then you ran into the bedroom

# You were struck down It was your doom, Annie... #

Ow!

APPLAUSE

Oh, there they are.

Well, convict connoisseurs, what a sensational act!

Thriller Live. Bad? Good?

Off the wall? Are they going over the wall, out of The Slammer?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess and Miss Meadows!

-Right, then, Fields...

-Meadows.

-Whatever.

Watch and learn.

Right, then, Miss, what did you make of that?

I think it was cool, fantastic and sensational

because of all the cool dance moves they did.

Tell us about Thriller Live.

Um, that was an amazing tribute, and I really enjoyed it.

-Sum that act up for me in one final word, please.

-Exciting.

Exciting! Right, off you go, Fields.

There we are, Thriller Live. Will they be going free?

You've got other acts to see.

The next act is a marvellous magical mind-reading act.

He's serving four years in The Slammer,

for pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

You might not think that's bad, but it was a policeman's hat

and he was wearing it at the time.

Please welcome the mystical skills of Magic Lee!

Well, well, hello everyone! Pleasure to be here.

I'm Magic Lee, and today we're going to be doing some mind reading,

and I'm going to attempt to read your minds.

In this book there's lots of pictures of famous people,

you can see we've got Superman, Mickey Mouse, there.

I need someone to help me out, so let me see,

these two here, would you help me out?

Thank you. Come on up to the stage.

-Hello, young man. What is your name?

-Sam.

-Sam, and your girlfriend, what is your name?

-Keira.

-Is it not...?

-No.

-Not your girlfriend, how embarrassing.

Flick through, check they're all different.

I'll explain how we're going to select the famous person.

I've got a bag of different numbered tokens,

representing page numbers in the book.

Dip your hand in, grab one or two, take a couple out.

Brilliant. Let's see what you've got there.

That's number 15, number 32.

So they're all different, that's important.

You're going to select one,

and turn to the page in the book and remember the character.

Brilliant. Would you reach in there?

Grab one of those. Don't let me see.

Grab one, hold it tight in your hand.

Don't show anybody.

I'm going to cover my head with this bag

so I can't see or have any clue as to who the person is, OK?

So here we go, I'll cover my head over with this.

-OK, am I facing the right way?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.

-Brilliant.

Please turn to the page in the book of the token you've selected.

Let me see... OK, I'm picking up... This is someone very famous.

Ava... Ava Gardner, is that right?

-No.

-Oh. It's not Ava Gardner. OK, let me try again.

-It's Sam... Samuel L Jackson? Is it Samuel L Jackson?

-No.

I'm ever so sorry, this doesn't usually happen.

-Who have you chosen?

-Spider-Man.

I can't hear - can everyone shout that out, please?

-ALL: Spider-Man!

-Spider-Man?

# Spider-Man, Spider-Man

# You'll find the Spider-Man. #

All right, then, come on!

Let's hear it for Magic Lee, there!

Thank you!

Is he a magical act, or is he going to do a disappearing act,

out of The Slammer?

Let's find out with Miss Meadows, who's with Mr Burgess.

-Right, come on, Fields.

-Meadows.

-Whatever.

Come on, stick close.

Get down here. Now then, Miss, Magic Lee. Magic or tragic?

-It was magical.

-What about this gentleman here?

He definitely won't be getting sloppy ploppy porridge

-if they still have it.

-Right. And for one final word - sir.

-Mind-bobbling.

-Brilliant, sir, brilliant!

Right, well, that's what you thought of Magic Lee, Jailers and Jailbirds.

But now it's time for the act that we call Solitary Confinement.

No more custard, Granddad!

Solitary Confinement, the acts that are so bad

we don't let them mix with the other performing prisoners.

But we let them perform now and then.

If they do well, they can't go free, but they get a treat.

Today's treat, if they get the thumbs-up,

they can go down to the park

and have a play on the swings and the roundabouts.

But if they get the thumbs-down then it's a cruel and unusual punishment.

Today, sir, it's being put into a hessian sack

and catapulted into outer space.

Now, who's going to be the judge?

You look like you've got a square head on your shoulders.

Let's get this on.

Oh, she's going to be the judge. Give her a round of applause.

Thank you.

-Listen, what's your name?

-Olivia.

Got a thumb? You'll need that thumb later.

Let's get ready for Solitary Confinement

and an act called Dad Direction!

# One way or another

# I'm gonna find you

# I'm gonna get you, get you get you, get you

# One day, maybe next week

# I'm gonna meet you

# I'll meet you, I'll meet you

# One, two, three, four

# Na na na na

# Na na na-na-na-na

# Na na na na

# Na na na-na-na-na

# I wanna hold you wanna hold you tight

# Get teenage kicks right through the night. #

CHEERING

Dad Direction, a whole new meaning to "dad dancing."

And a few surprises for our Jailors and Jailbirds.

Who had a dad in that lot?

Yes, it's your dads, isn't it?

We've got 'em in The Slammer! Shall we keep 'em here?

-ALL: Yes!

-Yes!

Judge Olivia, you decide whether they're going to get that treat.

Remember, thumbs up and it's off to the park for a nice play.

Thumbs down, it's off to a galaxy far, far away.

You've got five seconds to decide. What's it going to be?

AUDIENCE: Ohhh...

Oh!

It's off into space in a hessian sack.

Give them a round of applause.

Performing dads. Dad Direction.

Well, Judge Olivia, you did very well.

Nobody goes away empty-handed. You've got a treat as well.

A picture, signed by the Governor. Give her a big hand, please.

Marvellous.

CREAKING AND GROANING

Fire!

Well, your daddies won't be home for tea, will they?

Well, Jailers and Jailbirds,

it's time for our next performing prisoner act,

and what an act she is.

She's a performing cyclist, she's marvellous.

She's serving five years

for doing her act and falling asleep on a bike.

In her defence she said she was "two tyred."

Jailers and Jailbirds,

please welcome Alice Allart's bike show!

APPLAUSE

Oh, oh, yes! Alice Allart, there! And her marvellous bike show.

And remember, Jailers and Jailbirds,

Alice is a highly trained professional performing prisoner,

so do not try that at home on your bicycles.

Anybody watching that, don't try it.

But will she be on her bike out of The Slammer,

or will she be back on the chain gang?

Let's find out, first of all, with Mr Burgess.

Alice Allart. What did you make of that?

-It was good.

-Is that all?

-Yeah.

A woman does a handstand riding on a bike, backwards,

and all you can say is it's good?!

-You're grinning away there, what did you make of that?

-Good!

-What did you think?

-Very good, she was very skilful and talented,

lots of dangerous moves, very entertaining.

-Right, Fields...

-Meadows.

-Whatever. Over to you.

And for one final word, sum that act up, please.

-Exciting.

-Exciting, sir.

Well, my felonious felon fans, just one performing prisoner act to see.

They've been in The Slammer before, and they won their freedom.

But being a double act, they've gone and done it again,

so they've got to try and get out again.

Jailers and Jailbirds, welcome the miming talent of Gamarjobat!

Aaah!

THEY SPEAK JAPANESE

ALL: One, two, three!

HE MIMICS ROBOTIC PISTONS

Whoa, there they are.

Weren't they sensational?

But will they be saying...

to The Slammer? Let's find out, with Mr Burgess.

Right, Meadows, you're on.

-All right, all right.

-Ahem. Could you sum that act up, please?

Um, it was very creative and inventive.

Describe the act to me.

Really good and entertaining.

-Yes. You like their hair?

-Needs some improvements!

And for one final word?

-Impeccable.

-Ooh, I like that.

Well, that's it. Gamarjobat, your opinions on them.

Who's going to go free?

Let's welcome them all back onto the stage.

Thriller Live!

Magic Lee!

Here they come.

Alice Allart's bike show!

Gamarjobat!

Marvellous. Four performing prisoner acts.

Each very, very different, but only one can go free.

You will decide with this. Yes, Warden Meadows, Clap-o-meter.

The more noise you make, the higher the score through the Clap-o-meter,

and that performing prisoner act goes free.

It's simple, but will it be this one? Jailers and Jailbirds,

please make some noise and show your appreciation for Thriller Live!

CHEERING

Good score.

Up into the greens, there.

And the computer on the Clap-o-meter says 79.3.

Very good, Thriller Live. Marvellous.

Well, this next gentleman, will he go free? It's Magic Lee!

CHEERING

Oh...

Yes, that's Magic Lee with 72.1.

So he's definitely going to be staying

for some sloppy ploppy porridge.

On now to the next act - Alice Allart's bike show!

CHEERING

Good score.

And remember, don't try those stunts at home,

she's trained to do it.

Alice Allart's bike show gets 77.6.

Well, at the moment in pole position, it is Thriller Live.

Unless one remaining act can knock them off their perch.

Will they be going free a second time from The Slammer?

Please show your appreciation for Gamarjobat!

CHEERING

Oh!

Oh, I think you nearly broke the Clap-o-meter there.

A great score, wasn't it?

91.5. Going free, it's Gamarjobat! You're free, lads!

Free to go! Take 'em away!

Take 'em away! They're free to go! Free at last.

Well, Jailers and Jailbirds, that's good news for Gamarjobat.

And the bad news for all the other acts,

-you're staying in The Slammer. Mr Burgess.

-Hah!

-What's for tea?

-Steak and chips, sir.

-Oh! Are they having steak and chips?

No, that's what I'm having.

-The rest are having sloppy ploppy porridge.

-Ohh!

Take 'em away, give 'em a big cheer!

They were marvellous.

Wonderful performing prisoners.

Well, that's all we have time for on the Freedom Show for now.

But we'll be back soon for more fun and frolics

and performing prisoners in The Slammer.

But remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-ALL: Don't do the crime!

-And we'll see you all soon,

little Jailers and Jailbirds, in The Slammer. Bye-bye, everybody! Bye!

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

"..and with that, Flopsy Bunny and Tickle Tiger joined hands

"under Cuddle Moon and skipped off to live happily ever after..."

Now get to bed, you horrible little lot!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd