Buzzkill the Human Fly The Slammer

'Dear Sir, I wish to complain about the quality of your confectionary.

' Your sherbet dib dabs are neither dibby, nor dabby.

'Your cola cubes are not nearly cola-y or cubey enough,

'and as for your pear drops, their standard has, well...

'dropped. How is a man supposed to enjoy his afternoon sweet treat?

'Talking of treats,

'in this week's Freedom Show we had some right liquorice allsorts.

-'One very tasty...'

-# All right...! #

'One gave us something to chew over...

'And one totally sucked.'

Ya divvy!

'In conclusion, until you take my complaints more seriously,

'I shall not be consuming any more of your sweeties.'

Ah!

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

A human fly? I don't like the sound of that.

-What's he in for?

-Mr Buzzkill was brought to the Slammer last night,

sir, after vomiting over confectionary

while filming an advert for a bag of sweets.

Yeah, they had to change the name to Sick'n'Mix.

Horrible mess.

Well, keep him away from me -

it's The Freedom Show today and I hate insects!

Darrgh!!!

Must fly! Bzzz!

-You two, catch that fly!

-Leave it with us, sir.

Ah, yes, this should get 'im!

Are you sure human fly spray is such a good idea, Mr Burgess?

Absolutely, there's only one way to deal with a pest like 'im.

-He's not a pest, he's a prisoner.

-Bzzz!

There he is! Charge!

Spray goodbye, Buzzkill!

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Agh! Agh!

A-a-a-gh!

Are you OK, sir?

What do you think?! Get after him!

Hu-u-ugh!

Ha! Gotcha!

W-what's the matter, Buzzkill?

I'm absolutely inconsolable.

-Inconsolable?

-I simply cannot stand being cooped up like this.

I'm a fly. You know - fish gotta swim,

-fly gotta fly.

-Couldn't you just try being human?

Oh, the very idea! I did once consider becoming a human mosquito.

But that sucked. And then a human spider.

-Well, that's got legs...

-It's very sweet of you to say, dear girl.

But it's no good. I'm a fly through and through,

and I have to get out! Bzz...!

Don't do that, Mr Buzzkill!

Look, I'll have a word with The Governor.

But you must keep quiet - Mr Burgess is after you!

All right, Mr Fly -

you've messed with the wrong senior prison officer this time!

Fly paper!

That will bring you to a sticky end.

Mr Burgess! Frank!

MAN GROANS

-Ugh!

-Sah?

-I'm stuck!

-Sah! Ah, don't worry, sir.

I'll have you unstuck before you can say Freedom Show.

You'd better. It starts in a few minutes. Careful, Frank.

-Oh, watch it. Ooh!

-Wait a minute... Bit more purchase...

Steady! Steady! Oooh!

BOTH: Meadows!

Buzzkill, do you have any skills other than being a human fly?

Well, although I say so myself,

I buzz a magnificent national anthem.

HE BUZZES THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

No! No, stop!

No! No! Stop!

You can't get out unless you win the Freedom Show!

This means you might be here... forever!

Zzz, zzz, zzzz!

Bzzzzz...!

-SIREN SOUNDS

-Frank?

-Huh?

-How do I look?

-Delightful, sir.

-Thank you very much.

-SIRENS AND WHISTLES SOUND

-Then it's...show time!

Ladies and gentlemen - welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please welcome your host,

uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis,

he's pretty fly for a white guy -

it's The Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's The Governor?

ALL: You're The Governor!

Oh, yes, my little jailers and jailbirds. It's great to see you

for another Freedom Show here at The Slammer,

and what acts we've got for you. We've got a fabulous band,

going to get you rocking, called Union J!!

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

A most unusual body-popping act called Duplicate.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

And an act that will have you gasping with disbelief,

Jarrett & Raja!

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

But what an opening act we've got for you here today,

jailers and jailbirds - the brilliant talents

of the never-ending story of Peter Pan!

CHEERING

DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS

# One day I'll fly away

# Leave all this to

# Yesterday

# One day I'll fly away

# One day I'll fly

# Fly

# Away!

-MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Puccini

-# Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me

# Il nome mio nessun sapra

# No, no

# Dilegua, o notte!

# Tramontate, stelle!

# Tramontate, stelle!

# All'alba vincero!

# Vincero

# Vince-ro! #

DRAMATIC, PERCUSSIVE MUSIC

SHOUTS AND GRUNTS

Oh!

# And through it all, she offers me protection

# A lot of love and affection

# Whether I'm right or wrong

# She won't forsake me

# I'm loving angels instead

# You raise me up

# So I can stand on mountains

# You raise me up

# To walk on stormy seas

# I am strong

# When I am on your shoulders

# You raise me up

# To more than I can be

# You raise me up

# To more

# Than I

# Can be... #

Hah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Come on, let's hear it for that!

Wow!

The spectacular story, the never-ending story,

of Peter Pan. But will he return to Never Never,

or stay in The Slammer for ever and ever? Let's find out,

-with Mr Burgess!

-Right, Miss, what did you make of Peter Pan?

I thought it was brilliant, and I've never seen anything like it before.

And I especially loved all the people that were doing

the dancing and the acting and the singing.

What was your favourite part of Peter Pan?

Erm, it was when the pirates were fighting the Lost Boys.

Oh, those pirates? Did you like Captain Hook?

-I think he should be fed to the crocodile.

-Ooh!

One final word - sum that act up for me, please, Miss.

-Triple threats.

-Triple threats, sah! Marvellous!

Well, Peter Pan could be going free.

On now to a fabulous band, a boy band.

They're hoping to get out of The Slammer, or they'll end up

a very old man band! Jailers and jailbirds,

let's hear some noise for Union J!

SCREAMING

GUITAR INTRO STARTS

CHEERING

# She sees the world through TV screens

# All of her friends in magazines

# But there's a lot behind those big blue eyes

# She just don't realise

# Everybody's gone and lost their mind

# It's just the days we live in

# Most of the time

# Get up out of the dark

# Open up your eyes

# You'll discover there's a world outside

# To fix a broken heart

# You have to try

# Pick it up, pick it up It's a beautiful life

# Beautiful li-ife

# Beautiful life

# We're not so different, you and I

# Everybody's got a place to hide

# But it's just the days we live in

# Oooh

# Most of the time

-# Get up out of the dark

-Get up out of the dark

# Open up your eyes

# You'll discover there's a world outside

# There's a world outside!

# To fix a broken heart

# You have to try

# Pick it up, pick it up It's a beautiful life

# Beautiful li-ife

# Beautiful life

# Oh-oh-oh

# Ooh-ooh

# Beautiful li-i-ife

# Beautiful life. #

Thank you!

CHEERING AND SCREAMING

Ooh, look. One of them left their scarf.

SCREAMING

Union J. Love hearts...

or sour apples? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Well, I can't see what all the fuss is about, myself,

-but Union J, any good?

-Yeah, they're awesome.

-Why were they awesome?

-Because...

their singing was so good and they touched our hearts.

They can't be that good because we've got them banged up in here.

The girls are screaming for Union J - what about the lads?

-Er, just as much.

-Yeah?

-Yep.

-You enjoyed them?

-Yeah, they were amazing.

-What about a man's perspective on this?

Erm, because they...

so bad that they had to...

GASPS

-..go in here!

-A mutiny! A mutiny in the audience!

-Do you think they're bad, Miss?

-No, no, no, no.

-Why not?

Because they're absolutely gorgeous,

so they would never be bad, would they?

-You think we should let them go?

-Yes, yes, yes.

-Really?

-Yes!

-Are you sure?

-Please!

-Are you sure?

-Mmm!

-You don't want me to keep them in here?

-No, no, no.

-No!

-Let them back out into showbiz society, Miss?!

What do you want me to do with them, Miss, please tell me?!

-Keep them in here for ever?

-No!

-No?! No?!

Oh, I don't know any more! I don't know!

Right. And for one final word, sum that act up.

-Fabulous.

-Fabulous, sah!

Right, that's Union J, they could be going free, but right now,

it's time for the act that we call Solitary Confinement!

JEERING AND BOOING

I'm not coming out from under the bed. Solitary Confinement,

the act that we keep away from all the other prisoners,

because they're just too bad to be released. If they do well,

they get a little treat. If they don't do well,

they get a cruel and unusual punishment.

Today's treat is,

they get a signed photograph of 1972 and 1976 Olympic gold medallist

gymnast, Olga Korbut.

It's important to remember the past.

If they don't do well, they get a cruel and unusual punishment.

-Mr Burgess.

-Sah!

what is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

They are going to be rammed in a sack, stuffed in a catapult

and then fired off into outer space, sah!

First of all, we need a judge. Who do you think? Thank you, sir.

Give him a round of applause, please.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed. May I ask your first name?

-Lamar.

-Great, have you got a thumb?

You need that thumb. The thumb of fate.

And of course, you need the wig of justice. Looks good on you.

That's pretty good.

Let's prepare now for the solitary confinement act

we call Pete's Impressions!

Hey! Do you like impressions?

Yeah!

Here's one for you.

"You all right there, Pete? You divvy!"

You know who that is. Come on!

That's Bob Morgan, Bob the Scouser from number 41.

Here's another one for you. "There's your change."

That's Alan from the shop. Next one.

"Get a proper job, you're pathetic."

That's my mum, her name's Arthur.

Next up - "Move out, you're 40!"

That's my dad, he's interesting to look at.

Next up - "Oh, Pete, I love you so much!"

That's my girlfriend, she's imaginary!

She lives inside my head.

There we are, Pete's Impressions.

BOOING

Yes, that act gives a whole new meaning to the word rubbish.

It's up to you now to decide, our judge for the day.

Remember, thumbs up, Olga Korbut.

Thumbs down, launched into a sub-lunar orbit.

Five seconds to decide and your time starts now.

-Yes!

-He gets a photo of Olga Korbut, how exciting!

That was a surprise for everybody.

-You liked that act, did you?

-Yeah.

Marvellous, there's no accounting for taste.

Unfortunately, you do not keep the wig of justice but you get something

any person would be proud to take home.

It's a picture of your Governor!

That's for you, thank you very much.

-Shall we carry on, sir?

-Carry on, please.

-SAH!

-Thank you, Mr Burgess.

Clears the wax out my ears when he does that.

Right, that was Solitary Confinement,

on now with the Freedom Show,

jailers and jailbirds, who'll be going free?

Will it be this next act? A very unusual act.

One is much older than the other.

One's serving 18 months and the other's serving 25 years.

See if you can guess which is which as we welcome the unique skills

of Duplicate!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Boyfriend" by Justin Bieber

MUSIC: "Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO

MUSIC: "Wanna Get Hype" by District 78

GUNSHOTS

APPLAUSE

Oh, dear.

Oh, well, dear, oh, dear.

Duplicate had a very stretchy face but will he be doing a long stretch?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Right. Let's come round here. What did you make of it, sir?

I thought it was the bzz-ness.

Don't you mean the business?

It gave me a...buzz.

Wait a minute! Grab him. It's the buzz fly.

Come on. Off you go. Take him to solitary.

Keep going, well done, chaps.

Duplicate, good?

The mask looked really realistic because it was all over his face.

We couldn't see anything else.

One final word. Sum that act up for me, sir.

-Weirdtastic!

-Weirdtastic, sir.

Jailers and jailbirds, to celebrate the capture of Buzzkill,

a final performing prisoner act.

The Wonderful, amazing illusions of Jarrett and Raja!

APPLAUSE

Are you ready?

ALL: Yes!

Music!

MUSIC: "Hall Of The Mountain King"

Yeah!

You are perfect. Come with me.

-Where are we going?

-Right over here.

No, no! I don't do magic!

We need you, trust me.

I don't want to do this!

You'll be fine. Trust me.

CHAINSAW REVS

SHE SCREAMS

Here we go!

APPLAUSE

-What am I supposed to do now?

-What you always do. Play the piano.

-Like this?

-Why not?

I'm cut in half, that's why not!

You'll be fine. Trust me.

You're absolutely insane!

MUSIC: "Hall Of The Mountain King"

APPLAUSE

-I did it!

-I told you, mister!

Whoa!

See, I told you you'd be all right.

Your jacket.

APPLAUSE

Give a big round of applause! Jarrett and Raja!

What an act! Wow.

I tell you what, when the clap-o-meter comes,

they're hoping they don't get a split decision.

What did you think of them? Winners? Mr Burgess?

How did they do that, sir?

I liked the bit where he was cut in half

and started to play piano on his back which was impressive.

-An amazing magic act?

-It was really funny.

I don't think anyone could have pulled that off.

I was really blown away.

One final word. Sum that act up for me, sir.

Immaculate.

-Immaculate, sir.

-What a fabulous show.

Let's welcome them all back onto the stage.

The cast of Peter Pan and the Never Ending Story,

Union J, Duplicate and Jarrett and Raja!

I don't think we've ever had so many people on the Freedom Show stage.

Jailers and jailbirds, will you show your appreciation for the fabulous

Never Ending Story of Peter Pan?

CHEERING

84.6. Very good. Wonderful.

The next act you saw, there was a bit of screaming,

will they be screaming on the way out?

It's Union J.

CHEERING

Almost broke the clap-o-meter there.

93.3, a great score. Only one act can go free.

This next act were very unusual. They were Duplicate.

What did you think of them?

CHEERING

Great score for them, 86.4. But still in the lead, Union J.

One act to go.

They were mystical, they were marvellous, they were unique,

Jarrett and Raja!

CHEERING

A brilliant act but you're going to be joining us for supper, folks,

because you can see on the clap-o-meter

with an all-time high score, 93.3,

and going free, Union J. You're free to go, lads. That way.

Give them a big cheer, jailers and jailbirds!

APPLAUSE

It's mania, the usual, isn't it, Mr Burgess?

We've had a bit of a disaster in the kitchen, sir.

What with Buzzkill being around, he's vomited in the sloppy porridge.

He's done his business in it, squirmed and writhed in it. Filth.

The only good thing is, we've thrown all the sloppy porridge away!

No, sir. Only half of it. Waste not, want not.

Take them away. Give them a big cheer!

CHEERING

They were brilliant.

Captain Hook, take him as well.

I think you'll agree, four sensational acts.

Bye, everybody, and remember if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

ALL: Don't do the crime!

See you soon, jailers and jailbirds! Bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Mr Buzzkill, I'd like to introduce you to your new cellmate.

-Bring him in, Frank.

-Certainly, sir.

Buzzkill, the human fly, meet Sir Legsalot, the human spider.

Don't worry, he's a vegetarian.

Uh-uh...