Buzzkill the Human Fly The Slammer


Buzzkill the Human Fly

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Transcript


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'Dear Sir, I wish to complain about the quality of your confectionary.

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' Your sherbet dib dabs are neither dibby, nor dabby.

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'Your cola cubes are not nearly cola-y or cubey enough,

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'and as for your pear drops, their standard has, well...

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'dropped. How is a man supposed to enjoy his afternoon sweet treat?

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'Talking of treats,

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'in this week's Freedom Show we had some right liquorice allsorts.

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-'One very tasty...'

-# All right...! #

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'One gave us something to chew over...

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'And one totally sucked.'

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Ya divvy!

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'In conclusion, until you take my complaints more seriously,

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'I shall not be consuming any more of your sweeties.'

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Ah!

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# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit to try and get released

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# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

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A human fly? I don't like the sound of that.

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-What's he in for?

-Mr Buzzkill was brought to the Slammer last night,

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sir, after vomiting over confectionary

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while filming an advert for a bag of sweets.

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Yeah, they had to change the name to Sick'n'Mix.

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Horrible mess.

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Well, keep him away from me -

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it's The Freedom Show today and I hate insects!

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Darrgh!!!

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Must fly! Bzzz!

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-You two, catch that fly!

-Leave it with us, sir.

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Ah, yes, this should get 'im!

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Are you sure human fly spray is such a good idea, Mr Burgess?

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Absolutely, there's only one way to deal with a pest like 'im.

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-He's not a pest, he's a prisoner.

-Bzzz!

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There he is! Charge!

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Spray goodbye, Buzzkill!

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-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Agh! Agh!

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A-a-a-gh!

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Are you OK, sir?

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What do you think?! Get after him!

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Hu-u-ugh!

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Ha! Gotcha!

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W-what's the matter, Buzzkill?

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I'm absolutely inconsolable.

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-Inconsolable?

-I simply cannot stand being cooped up like this.

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I'm a fly. You know - fish gotta swim,

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-fly gotta fly.

-Couldn't you just try being human?

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Oh, the very idea! I did once consider becoming a human mosquito.

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But that sucked. And then a human spider.

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-Well, that's got legs...

-It's very sweet of you to say, dear girl.

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But it's no good. I'm a fly through and through,

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and I have to get out! Bzz...!

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Don't do that, Mr Buzzkill!

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Look, I'll have a word with The Governor.

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But you must keep quiet - Mr Burgess is after you!

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All right, Mr Fly -

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you've messed with the wrong senior prison officer this time!

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Fly paper!

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That will bring you to a sticky end.

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Mr Burgess! Frank!

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MAN GROANS

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-Ugh!

-Sah?

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-I'm stuck!

-Sah! Ah, don't worry, sir.

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I'll have you unstuck before you can say Freedom Show.

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You'd better. It starts in a few minutes. Careful, Frank.

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-Oh, watch it. Ooh!

-Wait a minute... Bit more purchase...

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Steady! Steady! Oooh!

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BOTH: Meadows!

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Buzzkill, do you have any skills other than being a human fly?

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Well, although I say so myself,

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I buzz a magnificent national anthem.

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HE BUZZES THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

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No! No, stop!

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No! No! Stop!

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You can't get out unless you win the Freedom Show!

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This means you might be here... forever!

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Zzz, zzz, zzzz!

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Bzzzzz...!

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-SIREN SOUNDS

-Frank?

-Huh?

-How do I look?

-Delightful, sir.

-Thank you very much.

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-SIRENS AND WHISTLES SOUND

-Then it's...show time!

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Ladies and gentlemen - welcome to HMP Slammer,

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where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

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Now, please welcome your host,

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uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis,

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he's pretty fly for a white guy -

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it's The Governor!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Who's The Governor?

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ALL: You're The Governor!

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Oh, yes, my little jailers and jailbirds. It's great to see you

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for another Freedom Show here at The Slammer,

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and what acts we've got for you. We've got a fabulous band,

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going to get you rocking, called Union J!!

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WHOOPING AND CHEERING

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A most unusual body-popping act called Duplicate.

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WHOOPING AND CHEERING

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And an act that will have you gasping with disbelief,

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Jarrett & Raja!

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WHOOPING AND CHEERING

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But what an opening act we've got for you here today,

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jailers and jailbirds - the brilliant talents

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of the never-ending story of Peter Pan!

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CHEERING

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DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS

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# One day I'll fly away

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# Leave all this to

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# Yesterday

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# One day I'll fly away

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# One day I'll fly

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# Fly

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# Away!

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-MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Puccini

-# Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me

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# Il nome mio nessun sapra

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# No, no

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# Dilegua, o notte!

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# Tramontate, stelle!

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# Tramontate, stelle!

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# All'alba vincero!

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# Vincero

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# Vince-ro! #

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DRAMATIC, PERCUSSIVE MUSIC

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SHOUTS AND GRUNTS

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Oh!

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# And through it all, she offers me protection

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# A lot of love and affection

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# Whether I'm right or wrong

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# She won't forsake me

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# I'm loving angels instead

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# You raise me up

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# So I can stand on mountains

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# You raise me up

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# To walk on stormy seas

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# I am strong

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# When I am on your shoulders

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# You raise me up

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# To more than I can be

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# You raise me up

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# To more

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# Than I

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# Can be... #

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Hah!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Come on, let's hear it for that!

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Wow!

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The spectacular story, the never-ending story,

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of Peter Pan. But will he return to Never Never,

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or stay in The Slammer for ever and ever? Let's find out,

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-with Mr Burgess!

-Right, Miss, what did you make of Peter Pan?

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I thought it was brilliant, and I've never seen anything like it before.

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And I especially loved all the people that were doing

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the dancing and the acting and the singing.

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What was your favourite part of Peter Pan?

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Erm, it was when the pirates were fighting the Lost Boys.

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Oh, those pirates? Did you like Captain Hook?

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-I think he should be fed to the crocodile.

-Ooh!

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One final word - sum that act up for me, please, Miss.

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-Triple threats.

-Triple threats, sah! Marvellous!

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Well, Peter Pan could be going free.

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On now to a fabulous band, a boy band.

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They're hoping to get out of The Slammer, or they'll end up

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a very old man band! Jailers and jailbirds,

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let's hear some noise for Union J!

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SCREAMING

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GUITAR INTRO STARTS

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CHEERING

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# She sees the world through TV screens

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# All of her friends in magazines

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# But there's a lot behind those big blue eyes

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# She just don't realise

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# Everybody's gone and lost their mind

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# It's just the days we live in

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# Most of the time

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# Get up out of the dark

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# Open up your eyes

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# You'll discover there's a world outside

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# To fix a broken heart

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# You have to try

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# Pick it up, pick it up It's a beautiful life

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# Beautiful li-ife

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# Beautiful life

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# We're not so different, you and I

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# Everybody's got a place to hide

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# But it's just the days we live in

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# Oooh

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# Most of the time

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-# Get up out of the dark

-Get up out of the dark

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# Open up your eyes

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# You'll discover there's a world outside

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# There's a world outside!

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# To fix a broken heart

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# You have to try

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# Pick it up, pick it up It's a beautiful life

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# Beautiful li-ife

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# Beautiful life

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# Oh-oh-oh

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# Ooh-ooh

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# Beautiful li-i-ife

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# Beautiful life. #

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Thank you!

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CHEERING AND SCREAMING

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Ooh, look. One of them left their scarf.

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SCREAMING

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Union J. Love hearts...

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or sour apples? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

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Well, I can't see what all the fuss is about, myself,

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-but Union J, any good?

-Yeah, they're awesome.

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-Why were they awesome?

-Because...

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their singing was so good and they touched our hearts.

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They can't be that good because we've got them banged up in here.

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The girls are screaming for Union J - what about the lads?

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-Er, just as much.

-Yeah?

-Yep.

-You enjoyed them?

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-Yeah, they were amazing.

-What about a man's perspective on this?

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Erm, because they...

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so bad that they had to...

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GASPS

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-..go in here!

-A mutiny! A mutiny in the audience!

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-Do you think they're bad, Miss?

-No, no, no, no.

-Why not?

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Because they're absolutely gorgeous,

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so they would never be bad, would they?

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-You think we should let them go?

-Yes, yes, yes.

-Really?

-Yes!

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-Are you sure?

-Please!

-Are you sure?

-Mmm!

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-You don't want me to keep them in here?

-No, no, no.

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-No!

-Let them back out into showbiz society, Miss?!

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What do you want me to do with them, Miss, please tell me?!

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-Keep them in here for ever?

-No!

-No?! No?!

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Oh, I don't know any more! I don't know!

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Right. And for one final word, sum that act up.

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-Fabulous.

-Fabulous, sah!

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Right, that's Union J, they could be going free, but right now,

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it's time for the act that we call Solitary Confinement!

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JEERING AND BOOING

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I'm not coming out from under the bed. Solitary Confinement,

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the act that we keep away from all the other prisoners,

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because they're just too bad to be released. If they do well,

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they get a little treat. If they don't do well,

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they get a cruel and unusual punishment.

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Today's treat is,

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they get a signed photograph of 1972 and 1976 Olympic gold medallist

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gymnast, Olga Korbut.

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It's important to remember the past.

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If they don't do well, they get a cruel and unusual punishment.

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-Mr Burgess.

-Sah!

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what is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

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They are going to be rammed in a sack, stuffed in a catapult

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and then fired off into outer space, sah!

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First of all, we need a judge. Who do you think? Thank you, sir.

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Give him a round of applause, please.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much indeed. May I ask your first name?

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-Lamar.

-Great, have you got a thumb?

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You need that thumb. The thumb of fate.

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And of course, you need the wig of justice. Looks good on you.

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That's pretty good.

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Let's prepare now for the solitary confinement act

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we call Pete's Impressions!

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Hey! Do you like impressions?

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Yeah!

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Here's one for you.

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"You all right there, Pete? You divvy!"

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You know who that is. Come on!

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That's Bob Morgan, Bob the Scouser from number 41.

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Here's another one for you. "There's your change."

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That's Alan from the shop. Next one.

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"Get a proper job, you're pathetic."

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That's my mum, her name's Arthur.

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Next up - "Move out, you're 40!"

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That's my dad, he's interesting to look at.

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Next up - "Oh, Pete, I love you so much!"

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That's my girlfriend, she's imaginary!

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She lives inside my head.

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There we are, Pete's Impressions.

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BOOING

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Yes, that act gives a whole new meaning to the word rubbish.

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It's up to you now to decide, our judge for the day.

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Remember, thumbs up, Olga Korbut.

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Thumbs down, launched into a sub-lunar orbit.

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Five seconds to decide and your time starts now.

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-Yes!

-He gets a photo of Olga Korbut, how exciting!

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That was a surprise for everybody.

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-You liked that act, did you?

-Yeah.

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Marvellous, there's no accounting for taste.

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Unfortunately, you do not keep the wig of justice but you get something

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any person would be proud to take home.

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It's a picture of your Governor!

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That's for you, thank you very much.

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-Shall we carry on, sir?

-Carry on, please.

-SAH!

-Thank you, Mr Burgess.

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Clears the wax out my ears when he does that.

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Right, that was Solitary Confinement,

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on now with the Freedom Show,

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jailers and jailbirds, who'll be going free?

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Will it be this next act? A very unusual act.

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One is much older than the other.

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One's serving 18 months and the other's serving 25 years.

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See if you can guess which is which as we welcome the unique skills

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of Duplicate!

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: "Boyfriend" by Justin Bieber

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MUSIC: "Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO

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MUSIC: "Wanna Get Hype" by District 78

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GUNSHOTS

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, dear.

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Oh, well, dear, oh, dear.

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Duplicate had a very stretchy face but will he be doing a long stretch?

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Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

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Right. Let's come round here. What did you make of it, sir?

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I thought it was the bzz-ness.

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Don't you mean the business?

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It gave me a...buzz.

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Wait a minute! Grab him. It's the buzz fly.

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Come on. Off you go. Take him to solitary.

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Keep going, well done, chaps.

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Duplicate, good?

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The mask looked really realistic because it was all over his face.

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We couldn't see anything else.

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One final word. Sum that act up for me, sir.

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-Weirdtastic!

-Weirdtastic, sir.

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Jailers and jailbirds, to celebrate the capture of Buzzkill,

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a final performing prisoner act.

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The Wonderful, amazing illusions of Jarrett and Raja!

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APPLAUSE

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Are you ready?

0:21:260:21:28

ALL: Yes!

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Music!

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MUSIC: "Hall Of The Mountain King"

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Yeah!

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You are perfect. Come with me.

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-Where are we going?

-Right over here.

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No, no! I don't do magic!

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We need you, trust me.

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I don't want to do this!

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You'll be fine. Trust me.

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CHAINSAW REVS

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SHE SCREAMS

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Here we go!

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APPLAUSE

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-What am I supposed to do now?

-What you always do. Play the piano.

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-Like this?

-Why not?

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I'm cut in half, that's why not!

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You'll be fine. Trust me.

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You're absolutely insane!

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MUSIC: "Hall Of The Mountain King"

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APPLAUSE

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-I did it!

-I told you, mister!

0:23:410:23:44

Whoa!

0:23:460:23:48

See, I told you you'd be all right.

0:23:560:23:58

Your jacket.

0:24:000:24:01

APPLAUSE

0:24:080:24:10

Give a big round of applause! Jarrett and Raja!

0:24:140:24:18

What an act! Wow.

0:24:180:24:20

I tell you what, when the clap-o-meter comes,

0:24:200:24:24

they're hoping they don't get a split decision.

0:24:240:24:27

What did you think of them? Winners? Mr Burgess?

0:24:270:24:30

How did they do that, sir?

0:24:300:24:32

I liked the bit where he was cut in half

0:24:320:24:35

and started to play piano on his back which was impressive.

0:24:350:24:38

-An amazing magic act?

-It was really funny.

0:24:380:24:41

I don't think anyone could have pulled that off.

0:24:410:24:44

I was really blown away.

0:24:440:24:46

One final word. Sum that act up for me, sir.

0:24:460:24:48

Immaculate.

0:24:480:24:50

-Immaculate, sir.

-What a fabulous show.

0:24:500:24:53

Let's welcome them all back onto the stage.

0:24:530:24:56

The cast of Peter Pan and the Never Ending Story,

0:24:560:24:59

Union J, Duplicate and Jarrett and Raja!

0:24:590:25:03

I don't think we've ever had so many people on the Freedom Show stage.

0:25:090:25:12

Jailers and jailbirds, will you show your appreciation for the fabulous

0:25:120:25:16

Never Ending Story of Peter Pan?

0:25:160:25:20

CHEERING

0:25:200:25:23

84.6. Very good. Wonderful.

0:25:260:25:31

The next act you saw, there was a bit of screaming,

0:25:310:25:34

will they be screaming on the way out?

0:25:340:25:35

It's Union J.

0:25:350:25:37

CHEERING

0:25:370:25:40

Almost broke the clap-o-meter there.

0:25:450:25:47

93.3, a great score. Only one act can go free.

0:25:470:25:51

This next act were very unusual. They were Duplicate.

0:25:510:25:54

What did you think of them?

0:25:540:25:56

CHEERING

0:25:560:25:58

Great score for them, 86.4. But still in the lead, Union J.

0:26:030:26:07

One act to go.

0:26:070:26:09

They were mystical, they were marvellous, they were unique,

0:26:090:26:12

Jarrett and Raja!

0:26:120:26:14

CHEERING

0:26:140:26:17

A brilliant act but you're going to be joining us for supper, folks,

0:26:200:26:23

because you can see on the clap-o-meter

0:26:230:26:26

with an all-time high score, 93.3,

0:26:260:26:30

and going free, Union J. You're free to go, lads. That way.

0:26:300:26:35

Give them a big cheer, jailers and jailbirds!

0:26:380:26:40

APPLAUSE

0:26:400:26:42

It's mania, the usual, isn't it, Mr Burgess?

0:26:420:26:44

We've had a bit of a disaster in the kitchen, sir.

0:26:440:26:48

What with Buzzkill being around, he's vomited in the sloppy porridge.

0:26:480:26:52

He's done his business in it, squirmed and writhed in it. Filth.

0:26:520:26:56

The only good thing is, we've thrown all the sloppy porridge away!

0:26:560:27:00

No, sir. Only half of it. Waste not, want not.

0:27:000:27:03

Take them away. Give them a big cheer!

0:27:030:27:06

CHEERING

0:27:060:27:08

They were brilliant.

0:27:080:27:11

Captain Hook, take him as well.

0:27:110:27:13

I think you'll agree, four sensational acts.

0:27:130:27:16

Bye, everybody, and remember if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

0:27:160:27:21

ALL: Don't do the crime!

0:27:210:27:24

See you soon, jailers and jailbirds! Bye!

0:27:240:27:28

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:420:27:45

Mr Buzzkill, I'd like to introduce you to your new cellmate.

0:27:510:27:56

-Bring him in, Frank.

-Certainly, sir.

0:27:560:27:57

Buzzkill, the human fly, meet Sir Legsalot, the human spider.

0:27:570:28:03

Don't worry, he's a vegetarian.

0:28:030:28:06

Uh-uh...

0:28:070:28:09

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