The Balloonatic The Slammer

'Dear Mum, thanks so much for sending my favourite earplugs.

'To be honest, though, I don't really need them!

'It's so quiet and tranquil here...'

Come 'ere, you clown! CRASHING

Hi, Mr Burgess!

Do some work!

Nice to see you, too!

'Everyone here is so nice, and the Freedom Show has been amazing!'

'One sent us to sleep.'

'One was a total nightmare!'

'But mostly it was a total dream!'

Meadows, do some work! MOVE!

Thanks, Mr Burgess!

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to the Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience, bring them to the Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #

They can't put him here, the man's a lunatic!

A balloonatic, sir.

This animal makes balloon animals out of helium so they float away.

Keeps making small children cry, sir.

I love seeing their stupid little faces!

Hah!

I hate to burst your bubble...

Oh, balloon, sir.

I hate to burst your balloon, but you've kidded your last kid, kid.

Take him away, Mr Burgess!

You won't be making any balloon animals in here!

SQUEAKING AND AIR HISSES

Oh, a rabbit!

-You can have it if you like.

-Oh, can I?!

No.

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Right! Solitary confinement, Frank!

I've got you, Governor! I'll get you good for this!

Never mind that, come on, out you go.

All the twos, two little ducks, 22. Quack, quack.

All the eights, two fat governors, 88.

Bingo! Yes!

Nooo!

MANIACAL LAUGHING THE GOVERNOR'S SCREAM RISES IN PITCH

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-I suppose you find this funny?

Not at all, sir.

-Good! Because I'm the Governor, and I demand respect!

-Yes, sir.

Right, now, the Balloonatic is clearly more dangerous than we thought!

The Freedom Show is tonight, how am I supposed to present it like this?

I've got the voice of an eight-year-old girl!

Shall I ask her if she wants it back, sir?

Why does nobody take me seriously?!

You're absolutely right, sir.

I shall move the balloonatic into the cell with the strongman, sir,

with immediate effect - he won't get past him, sir.

Right, well, see to it that you do.

MR BURGESS SNORTS

LAUGHING CONTINUES FROM INSIDE CELL

I hate my job.

-Monkey! Monkey!

-AIR HISSES

Almost done!

You can have it if you like.

Ooh-ooh-ooh! Can I?!

No.

What is going on in here?

Colin, are you all right?

Monkey's gone...

Hello, Mother, it's me.

Teddy-kins.

The Governor!

What do you mean you'll call the police if I don't stop calling you?!

Mother! Mother! Oh...

MANIACAL LAUGHING APPROACHES

Not again! Not you!

Nooo!

ALARM BLARES

-What are you doing?

-What do you think he's doing?

He's stopping me floating away!

Some idiot let the balloonatic out!

He's filled me up with helium!

Don't just stand there gawping, get me down!

Yes, sir!

Sorry, sir, you're too full of hot air!

The Freedom Show is in two minutes, Frank, think of something!

There's nothing for it - we'll have to pop him.

Pop me?! Wait a minute!

We could just burp him, like a baby.

That might get the gas out...

Pop me! Pop me!

All right, sir.

Aaah!

Oh, me bu...

-NORMAL VOICE:

-How do I look?

-Divine, sir.

-Fantastic.

-It's divine.

-Divine.

Thank you very much. In that case...

it's show time!

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Now, please welcome your host.

'He puts the loon into balloon and the...into...

'It's the Governor!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Who's the Governor?

AUDIENCE: You're the Governor!

Ooh, I'm sorry, jailors and jailbirds.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Something a bit funny with my voice.

-NORMAL VOICE:

-I've tried sucking a lozenge but... Oh, that's better.

Oh, dear! Oh, jailors and jailbirds,

we've got some marvellous performing prisoners for you.

We've got a really wonderful piano act called Rockin' Raffi.

Whoo!

I don't know why I'm doing that, I can only play the recorder.

And we've got a magic act called Morgan and West.

Whoo!

And if you don't clap, they'll make you all disappear.

And we've got a very mysterious,

strange fascinating act called Siro-A.

Whoo!

But right now, they're a performing dog act,

they're absolutely wonderful,

would you please make some noise for Roncescu's Comedy Dogs?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYS

DOGS BARK

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we are!

Go on, then, give him a big round of applause, jailors and jailbirds.

Wonderful! Oh...

Well, there they are, Roncescu's Comedy Dogs.

Well, shall we "paws" for thought

and see if they raised the "woof" with Mr Burgess?

Well, dog acts, about as welcome in our house as a Simply Red album,

but what did you think, sir?

I thought the dogs did very well.

-Were you particularly impressed that all the dogs had four legs, sir?

-Yes.

Did you like Roncescu's Comedy Dogs?

It was really entertaining, funny and cute.

-What about you, miss?

-It had lots of expression in it...

-Oh, sir, I'm afraid the balloonatic's struck again, sir.

-What do you mean?

He's got her, sir. She sounds like an eight-year-old girl, sir.

-She is an eight-year-old girl, Frank.

-Ah.

And for one final word...

-Miss?

-Fantastic.

-That'll do, thank you.

Well, there we are, felon fans, Roncescu's Comedy Dogs.

Did they do enough to go free? We'll find out.

I hope they go free, it costs us a fortune in dog food.

Next act to come, well, it's a marvellous performing prisoner act.

He's only 11 years of age, jailors and jailbirds.

He's a pianist, he's plays the piano wonderfully.

He's serving 13 months in the Slammer for tinkling on the ivories.

Yeah, the audience didn't know where to look.

So, jailors and jailbirds, will you please welcome

the wonderful keyboard skills of Rockin' Raffi?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Well, it's one for the money

# Two for the show

# Three to get ready

# Now, go, cat, go

# But don't you step on my blue suede shoes

# Well, you can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes

# Well, you can knock me down

# Step in my face

# Slander my name all over the place

# Do anything that I don't want to do

# But uh-uh, honey, lay off of my shoes

# But don't you step on my blue suede shoes

# Well, you can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes

# Well, it's one for the money

# Two for the show

# Three to get ready

# Now go, go, go

# But don't you step on my blue suede shoes

# Well, you can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes

# Whoo!

# Don't step on my blue suede shoes, yeah. #

There he goes. Wow, Rockin' Raffi, jailors and jailbirds.

Blue Suede Shoes, wonderful. I've got some red plastic flip-flops.

Well, I don't know, did you enjoy that act?

Did he do enough to go free?

Did he hit the high notes, or was he a bit off-key?

Let's find out with bebopper Burgess.

Now, you, sir. Tinkling the ivories, what did you make of that?

It was very good, brilliant and amazing.

Did you like the choice of number?

Personally, I thought Jailhouse Rock might be

a more appropriate tune for in here. Am I wasting that joke on you, sir?

-Yeah.

-Yes, I thought so.

-Rockin' Raffi, did you like that act?

-Yeah.

-What was good about it?

-He has fantastic fast fingers.

-Fantastic fast fingers.

The three Fs - fantastic fast fingers.

So, sum that act up for me, sir, in one, just the one, final word.

-Very good.

-That's two, sir.

-Good.

-Good, good.

Well, Rockin' Raffi, will he be rockin' out of the Slammer later?

You will decide before me, prison appreciators.

Now, onto the part of the Freedom Show that we call

Solitary Confinement.

Aah! Ooh! Argh! Ooh!

I don't like the pudding, Mummy. Yes!

Solitary Confinement, acts that are so dreadful,

we can't let them mix with the other people in the Slammer,

we keep them to themselves,

but we let them have a little perform every now and again,

and if they do well, they get a treat, jailors and jailbirds, yes.

And today, the treat is 50 pence.

Ooh!

But if they don't do well, if they get the thumbs down,

they get a cruel and unusual punishment, Mr Burgess.

Hah!

What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's being put into a sack

and catapulted into outer space, sir.

Oh, I don't think I'd like that, would you, jailors and jailbirds?

But we do need a judge. Mr Burgess, could you select somebody of wisdom?

Well, this young gentleman here. Sir, you look like a judge.

Let's fit you with the wig. Walk this way, sir.

Give him a round of applause, please, there we are.

-You're the judge. Now then, Mr Judge, what's your name?

-Finlay.

Judge Finlay is sitting in court.

You're going to decide now what happens to the Solitary Confinement

performer, because it is time for Solitary Confinement!

MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Puccini

HE MIMES

Thank you, thank you, get him off.

Come on, there we are. What do you think?

Oh, dear, well, they say in space, no-one can hear you scream.

Can't hear you sing either by the sounds of it.

Well, there we are, our Solitary Confinement performer,

I told you they were a bit dodgy,

but it's up now to Judge Finlay, looking very distinguished there,

to decide thumbs up or thumbs down, so get that thumb ready.

Remember, thumbs up, a few bob in their pocket.

Thumbs down, off like a rocket.

Your time starts now. Five seconds.

Is it up? Is it down?

Oh! It's thumbs down. Take him away.

Up into space in a sack fired from a catapult, but the good news

is for Judge Finlay, you don't go away empty-handed.

No, Officer Meadows has got something for you.

Look at that, it's a signed photo of the Governor, isn't that lovely?

Lovely, yes.

Put that on the mantelpiece, keep everybody else away from the fire.

Give Judge Finlay a round of applause, please,

thank you very much indeed.

-Wonderful.

-Thanks for procedure.

'Five, four, three, two, one...'

FIRE!

Oh, well, at least he's dressed for it.

Now, the next act is a marvellous act,

but what will you think of the magical skills of Morgan and West?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Rhys Morgan.

-I am Robert West.

BOTH: Together, we are Morgan and West!

-Magicians...

-Time travellers.

..and all-round spiffing chaps and to...

Is that an apple?

Bing.

-This is our chance at freedom, and you are eating an apple.

-Bing.

-Is there an apple for me?

-Bfff.

-No.

-This trick uses one teacup...

-Bing.

-..and one sugar cube.

-Bfff.

-One imitation sugar cube.

-Bfff.

One scrunched-up ball of tissue paper for purposes

of visibility from the back.

-Bing.

-The trick is a simple one.

-Bfff.

-To begin, I simply place the sugar cube...

-Bfff.

-..ball...

-Bfff.

-..of tissue...

-Bing.

-Thank you.

..underneath the cup, snap my fingers

-and the tissue disappears.

-Bing.

-Gosh. How clever.

-Bfff.

Uh, yes, if I were to snap my fingers again,

-then the tissue would reappear underneath the cup.

-Bing.

-Right.

-I am getting good at this.

-Bfff.

-I am getting the hang of this.

-Bfff.

I am trying my best.

Bfff.

Mr West is about to go "Bfff."

Ha-hm.

So, if I take the tissue and put it into my pocket...

-Bing.

-..then it will, of course, appear underneath the cup...

-Bing.

-..whereas if I take the tissue and hold on to it nice and tightly...

-Bfff.

-..then it also appears underneath the cup.

-Bing.

Right, got it. So I take the tissue, I put it into my pocket.

-Bing.

-The tissue then, of course, travels invisibly...

-Bfff.

-..only to appear underneath...

..underneath the cup.

Bing.

Gosh, no idea. Um, yes, you, sir, you look willing to participate.

-Bing.

-So if I take the tissue and do as follows...

..would you say that the tissue was underneath the cup...

-Bing.

-..or would you say that the tissue was in my pocket?

-Bfff.

-Is it in the cup?

-Underneath the cup.

I am terribly sorry, sir, but since you have suggested the tissue

is underneath the cup, we will, of course, locate it in my pocket...

-Bing.

-..whereas had you suggested it were to be observed in my pocket,

-we would have found it to be, as you originally suggested, underneath the cup.

-Bing.

I have a theory, I have been thinking about this.

I believe that this is because the tissue truly is in my pocket...

-Bing.

-..and I believe that the tissue truly is underneath the cup.

-Bing.

Which does, of course, call into question our very notion of truth.

And also calls into question where on earth the apple comes from.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There we are, take them away.

Morgan and West, give them a big hand, jailors and jailbirds, yes.

Well, Morgan and West, did they do enough?

Are they going west out of the Slammer? Let's find out.

-Abracadabra, it's Mr Burgess.

-Ha!

What about Ray Mears here? What have you got to say about it?

Right, what did you make of the act, sir?

-I think it's the best act so far.

-Right.

So, you think that those two gentlemen are in the running

-for release today?

-Yeah.

Morgan and West, were they the best?

-No, I actually thought they were a bit boring.

-Oh, really?

Because it didn't go anywhere and it was just about...

They can't go anywhere, they're stuck in the Slammer.

-Sum that act up for me in one final word, miss.

-Extraordinary.

Extraordinary, sir!

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Well, there we are. Oh, Morgan and West.

Oh, sorry about that, I...

HE BELCHES

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Oh, I do apologise, the helium gas is repeating on me.

Ooh, that's a bit better.

Right, onto our final performing prison act, jailors and jailbirds.

Put your hands together and welcome Siro-A!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

There we are, marvellous!

What a sensational act, brilliant. Will they be staying?

Will they be going? Will we be saying "sayonara" to Siro-A?

-Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

-Ha!

Siro-A. Much cop?

-Huh?

-Thank you.

-Miss?

-Well, I thought it was weird and clever

and different from all the other acts.

-Do you feel it was innovative and original, miss?

-Yeah.

-How would you describe that act?

-Slammalicious.

-Slammalicious, yes.

-And for one final word, sum that act up for me, miss.

-Confusing.

Confusing, sir.

Right, jailors and jailbirds, you've seen all the acts.

Now, it's time to decide who goes free, their debt to society paid.

Will you welcome them back on?

First of all, Roncescu's Comedy Dogs, Rockin' Raffi,

Morgan and West, Siro-A, there they are.

Marvellous.

There's all your performing prisoners, weren't they brilliant?

But only one act can go free.

The first act were sensational, you seemed to love them.

Will they all be going free?

Please show your woofing applause for Roncescu's Comedy Dogs!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoa! What a great score there. Look at that, Officer Meadows, 91.4.

That's good, that's good. OK, 91.4.

Next, we had a wonderful act, only very young,

in fact, a few 11-year-olds in the audience, that's how old he was.

Will he be going free? It's Rockin' Raffi!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a great score! He goes into the lead with 92.8.

Well done, young man.

Well, next, a very unusual act, sort of time travellers,

weren't they? Will they be travelling out of the Slammer?

Your appreciation, please, jailors and jailbirds, for Morgan and West!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, good score, but just 71.4. Don't worry, lads.

I think you'll be staying for tea.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, jailors and jailbirds,

will you please show your applause, your appreciation for Siro-A?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's close.

It's close, let's have a look, they scored 91.9,

but that means just in the lead with 92.8,

going free, it's Rockin' Raffi!

He's free, take him away. Off you go. The rest of you...

-Rockin' Raffi's going free. Mr Burgess.

-Ha!

It's always sloppy, ploppy porridge. What's for tea today?

Well, sir, today, there's a multi choice.

You can have the menu in envelope A or the menu in envelope B.

Which would you like, sir?

Well, I'll decide, menu A... I'll have menu...B.

-Menu B, sir, let's have a look.

-Oh, what's it going to be?

-There we go.

-Oh, sloppy, ploppy porridge, sir.

-Oh, I might have known it.

-Hey, hang on, what's in menu A?

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge, sir.

Right, go on, get them off.

Give them a big hand there, jailors and jailbirds.

Very good, great acts.

Wonderful. Well, there they are, that's another Freedom Show over.

One more act reformed and returned to society, their debt paid.

Join us again soon here with all the gang at the Slammer for more fun

and remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

AUDIENCE: Don't do the crime!

And we'll see you soon for more showbiz fun on the Slammer.

Bye-bye, jailors and jailbirds!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, sir, another great Freedom show.

Ah, thank you, Officer Meadows,

and the balloonatic is safely locked up in solitary confinement,

and I think I'm finally getting rid of that helium gas.

-Oh, much better.

-STOMACH GRUMBLES

-Ooh. Noooooooo!

-AIR HISSES

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Ahhh! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

-What?

-It's in my nose! Do something!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd