Slammer Symphony The Slammer

"The Secret Diary of the Governor, day one.

"Started my new diary."

Er...

"Had some tea.

"And a choccie biccie.

"And remembered the amazing Freedom Show we had today."

"Oh, the sweat...

CHEERING

"..the tears...

"..the turnips!

"Had some more choccie biccie!"

What an action-packed life I lead!

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Meadows! What on Earth's going on?!

New inmate, sir! Her breakfast was one minute late,

so she threw a wobbly.

And the corn flakes!

All right! Stop that, or you're toast!

WAH-WAH

To be perfectly honest, you asked for that, Frank.

I did, sir, yes.

Right, I think she's out of ammo, I'm going in!

OK, hands up!

Da-da-da-daa...

This is her, Guv.

-Da-da-da-daa...

-Hilda Baton,

serving three years for taking a bow that didn't belong to her.

She's an all-round pain in the piccolo!

Hilda, hold it!

Hold what exactly?

Your hat? This pot plant?

I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific.

Da-da-da-daa...

See what I mean?

All right, Meadows, let me handle this.

I am, after all, the calm voice of experience.

All right, Baton, have you got a second?

-Of course.

-Right.

-You see the thing is...

-Da-da-da-daa...

-Oi!

You asked for a second.

I believe that was actually 1.5 seconds. You can owe me.

Oh, just one, sir. Just one.

-Da-da-da-daa...

-Frank, leave it.

Polish your pepper spray! I'll deal with this.

Now, you are an irritating know-it-all.

-I know.

-Precisely!

I think you're the most annoying inmate

we've ever had in The Slammer.

And can I remember Snorting Stevens!

HE SNORTS

Now, for all our sakes, we need for you to be released.

I've chosen three acts for today's Freedom Show.

The fourth act will be you.

And trust me, we'll all be wishing you and your orchestra

the very best of luck!

Now, get rehearsing!

Very well, Governor.

I shall oblige

and perform in your little "show".

But there is one thing.

I don't have an orchestra.

BULLET RICOCHETING

Da-da-da-daa...

ALL: Shut up!

See, Guv, I told you people would be crying out

to join our new Slammer Symphony Orchestra.

Yes, but we've only got a minute

before they realise we've run out of free orange pop!

BATON TAPS AND CLEARS HER THROAT

Where are your instruments?

Ah, yes, about that.

You see, we don't have any actual instruments,

so we thought they could just maybe just, um, mime!

What do you people think this is?

A social club? A holiday camp?!

To be perfectly honest, it can be a bit like a holiday camp,

-can't it Frank?

-It can, sir.

-Shh!

They are in my orchestra now. And that means two words...

Orange pop?

Hard work.

An orchestra needs...

discipline, timing, control.

They can't create great music by pretending!

So go and find them some real instruments,

or I won't be performing in your show!

Well, don't just stand there gawping! You heard what she said.

Get looking. There must be some old instruments

lying around somewhere. Come on! D'oh!

D'oh!

Oh!

Oh...

Could this be an instrument?

Oh, well, let me have a look, Meadows.

Of course not, you idiot. It's for draining veg!

That's it!

Meadows, you're supposed to be cooking up an orchestra,

not a turnip hash!

In the Academy, they always told us to use our imaginations.

And I'm telling you to use well-worn, humdrum procedure!

The Slammer Vegetable Orchestra?!

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

And the brilliant thing is, if they play five pieces a day,

it's really good for them!

Well, I suppose it's the only idea we've got.

Just make sure you wash those instruments thoroughly!

Baton's not going to like this!

I'm not going to like what?

ALL: Nothing!

Keep her locked up till the last minute,

and do everything you can to make sure that orchestra sound amazing.

Don't worry, sir, they'll be full of beans.

Runner beans, mainly.

Right, how do I look?

BOTH: Peachy, sir!

Thank you very much. In that case, it's show time!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, "peas" welcome your host

with a super-tasty Freedom Show, suitable for vegetarians...

COW MOOS AND GUNSHOT

It's the Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?

ALL: You're the Governor!

Oh, my little jailors and jailbirds,

it's great to see you for another sensational Freedom Show.

Are you ready for this, yes?

ALL: YES!

We've got performing prisoners, each hoping to earn your vote

and go free at the end of the show.

And what acts we've got for you locked up in the Slammer today.

We've got acts like Amanda Sandow. Woo!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Very high up. We've got a really fascinating act called Chris Cross.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

And musical madness from The Slammer Vegetable Orchestra!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

But first we've got an act hoping to earn your vote

and go free today. Will they be good enough?

Let's see as we welcome Chris & Wes!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "PYT (Pretty Young Thing)" by Michael Jackson

MUSIC SLOWS

Chris, hold on, hold on!

Hold on!

BANGING AND CRASHING

CAT SNARLS

Woo!

See?

I thought we could show them a different side to Chris & Wes.

MOODY GRIME MUSIC

AUDIENCE CHEERS

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Move Your Feet" by Junior Senior

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, well!

Oh, hey! Chris & Wes...

Chris & Wes, there. Hey, I could join them.

I could throw a few shapes, couldn't I?

Yeah, mostly circles!

But they were marvellous, weren't they?

But will they be getting hippity-hop going free

or staying for porridge, ploppity-plop?

-Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

-Take that hat off, sir.

Well, Chris & Wes.

Good for hanging about shopping centres

or putting on at the London Palladium, sir?

They were fantastic. They were the best dance act I've ever seen.

What did you think of that act, sir?

I think they were hilarious and had awesome moves.

I wish I knew how to do them.

Sum that act up for me in your best dictive voice, sir, now.

-Awesome!

-Awesome, sir!

Well, still lots of sensational acts

to come here on the Freedom Show!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Now, onto our next performing prisoner act,

and before I introduce her, I just want to say one thing -

do not ever try any of what you're about to see at home, all right?

-She's highly trained, she's marvellous...

-Hiya, excuse me.

-Can I borrow that?

-Yes.

-Thanks!

She's serving five years of a "suspended" sentence.

And you'll see why

when you welcome the high-flying antics of Amanda Sandow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, what a sensational act!

But let me say one thing -

Amanda is a highly-trained acrobat with years of experience.

Don't ever try it. Well, she was sensational, I think you'll agree.

Did she do enough to swing her way out of the Slammer?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Miss, Amanda Sandow, tell us all about it.

-Come on, quick!

-She was incredible.

It was so good I'm practically speechless. She was very flexible.

It was amazing. At first I thought it was just going on...

A bit like you.

Thanks (!)

Sir, your views on Amanda Sandow, please.

I've got one question for her, it's three letters -

how? How does she do that?

One final word, sum that act up for me, sir!

-Amazing!

-Amazing, sir.

Well, your valued views on Amanda Sandow, there.

So you see Hilda, the only solution was...

vegetables! Ta-daaa!

I think...

..this the most magnificent thing I've ever seen!

Wait until you see your new baton!

-Oh!

-Hmm!

This is the part of the Slammer Freedom Show that we call

Solitary Confinement!

SCREAMING

No, Uncle Wilfred, not the pickled eggs!

Yes, the part of the show where we let some of the performing prisoners

that are too naughty to be let out

with all the other prisoners perform.

We give them a chance to have a little go at a show.

If they do well, they get a treat, but if they don't do well,

they get a cruel and unusual punishment.

Now, today, the treat is, if they get the thumbs-up,

they get a nice bottle of eye lotion.

Yeah, quite dusty in the Slammer. Bit of eye lotion, lovely.

But if they don't do well, thumbs down,

it's a cruel and unusual punishment.

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, I've simply got written,

"sack", "catapult" and "outer space", sir.

Oh, dear! Well, we need a judge

for the Solitary Confinement act, Mr Burgess.

I think this young lady here looks like she might make

rather a good judge. Up you come, miss.

Round of applause for this young lady, please.

How do you do? Yes, and what is your name, please?

-May.

-May, what a lovely name. The month of May.

-We need the Wig of Justice.

-The Wig of Justice, sir.

And of course, the Thumb of Fate.

Have you got a thumb?

Hold it up. That's good, yes.

You're going to decide thumbs up or thumbs down, as we meet this

performing prisoner act that we call Solitary Confinement.

They go under the name of Mr Extreme!

I am the man they call Mr Extreme.

Donald Extreme.

I can read minds.

That's very rude, madam. Very rude indeed.

And I can do magic!

Now, you will have seen magicians pull rabbits out of a hat.

But have you ever seen a magician pull hats out of a rabbit?

Meet my assistant, Hoppity.

There was a cloth over my face and I woke up here.

You are about to find out why he is called Hoppity,

as I pull hats from a rabbit!

I feel most unwell.

-Brace yourself, Hoppity.

-Why?

SQUELCHING

Oh, you might have warmed your hands!

-Oh! Oh!

-Hat number one!

-See what else we can find.

-Hat number one?!

-How many hats are there?

-More than one.

-Oh!

SQUELCHING AUDIENCE: Ewww!

-It's in the ribcage!

-Oh, oh! That's my tonsils! Ah!

Christmas has come early!

-And hat number three, finally.

-Oh, I like the sound of that.

-It's a crown.

-Oh, I don't like the sound of that!

-SQUELCHING

-Oh!

Oh, that's spiky! I should have listened to my mum!

She said, "Have a career in cosmetics testing."

Now I have three hats. But where should I put them?

A hat rack!

Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah!

-Oh!

-One hat rack.

Three hats.

And one very happy rabbit.

Come on, what do you think?

BOOING

Well, I don't know. There's in solitary confinement,

I sometimes think that's the best place for them.

Well, here's our judge,

and remember, thumbs up - something nice for the eye.

Thumbs down - off to Alpha Centauri.

Here we go, your time starts now.

AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!

Oh, thumbs up! How lovely!

How lovely. Well, very surprising result there.

Give them a round of applause, then. Fair dos, they've won it.

BOOING

Unfortunately, judge, you've got to give the wig back,

but nobody leaves empty-handed, I say, nobody leaves empty handed!

They often wish they did, because they get a lovely signed photo

of the Governor, and what child

wouldn't be thrilled to receive that?

That's for you to take away and a big round of applause

and that's Solitary Confinement!

Well, Mr Burgess, thank you very much indeed.

-Ha!

-It's time to carry on now with the rest of the Freedom Show.

Now, jailers and jailbirds, we've got a most unusual act.

He's a sort of escapologist and if you've ever tried to keep

an escapologist in prison, believe you me, it's very difficult.

Would you please welcome him as he tries one more time?

It's Chris Cross!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Boys and girls, that's right, my name is Chris Cross.

I'm a contortionist and escapologist.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

I'm going to show you something really dangerous.

It's a death-defying stunt, boys and girls.

I'm going to stand right here on the platform,

right on top of this trap door right here.

I'm going to be chained up and handcuffed.

Now, if I don't get out of the chains and handcuffs

and jump down onto this crash mat from way up there,

then the trap door opens and I'll plunge

onto these solid steel spikes.

I could really hurt myself.

If you want to see it, boys and girls, say "yeah!"

AUDIENCE: YEAH!

What is wrong with you?! Mr Burgess, if you please...

I'm going to try and beat my personal best record

at escaping from this.

Here we go, OK.

Get it nice and tight, there. Solid steel handcuffs.

Perfect, Mr Burgess, perfect.

Now, for 15 metres of solid steel chain, boys and girls.

-Mr Burgess, padlock number one, if you please.

-Padlock number one, lad.

Stick that in there like that. That's in. And the key's locked.

The keys are in my pocket.

Now, gentlemen, if you want to walk around, make it nice and tight.

Make the chain really tight on me.

Go for it. On the right leg, under the left leg.

Let's make this a real tight, real genuine challenge.

-And over the shoulders.

-Nice and tight, boys.

I think you've given me a wedgie.

Good job. All right, there we go. That's perfect. Thank you very much.

OK, up the steps.

-Here we go.

-Get him up.

You've got 45 seconds, starting now!

MUSIC: PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN THEME SONG

I think I might be stuck.

15 seconds gone - start the clock!

Bit of encouragement, boys and girls!

CHEERING

15 seconds left.

ALL: Ten! Nine!

Eight! Seven!

Six! Five!

Four! Three!

Two!

Yes! Come on! Everybody!

Well, there we are. Chris Cross, ladies and gentlemen.

He's out of it there. He got out of his chains.

But will he get out of the Slammer?

Better find out with his assistant, Mr Burgess.

-What did you make of it?

-Ouch!

Well, yes. That puts it rather well.

What did you think of Chris Cross?

It was a bit of a shock when we got down to three

and it was just like afiach.

Is that Welsh?

-Yes.

-What does it mean in English?

-Disgusting.

Could you describe that act for me in Welsh, please?

SHE SPEAKS WELSH

-Yep.

-One final word.

Sum that act up for me, miss.

Er...

Yeah, that'll do.

"Er..."

Well, jailers and jailbirds, one more performing prisoner act to go.

-30 seconds, orchestra.

-Very well.

Players, this is it. Asparagus,

I want lots of bite on the high notes.

Carrots, keep it loose. Radishes, not too much wind.

Now, I don't normally get emotional at times like this.

And I'm not about to start now!

So get moving!

Vegetable Orchestra!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Shall we take an A?

THEY TUNE UP

THEY PLAY "SOUL BOSSA NOVA" BY QUINCY JONES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There they are, the Slammer Vegetable Orchestra

with Miss Baton in the lead there, ladies and gentlemen.

Were they the cream of the crop?

Or have they lost the plot?

Let's find out, with Mr Burgess.

Right, Miss, what did you make of our very own Slammer Orchestra?

I thought it was very fun

because you usually don't use vegetables for music and stuff.

You usually use it for eating.

Do you think they should be let free?

-Yeah, definitely.

-Why?

Because it was unusual but it sounded really good.

And for one final word, miss, sum that act up for me.

-Fabulous.

-Fabulous, sir.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, there they are -

the four performing prisoner acts, all hoping to go free.

Let's welcome them all back onto the stage!

Chris & Wes,

Amanda Sandow,

Chris Cross

and the fabulous Slammer Vegetable Orchestra.

Well, there they come. So, who's it going to be?

Well, a very, very popular popping act.

Will you please make some noise, jailers and jailbirds,

for Chris & Wes?

SCREAMING AND CHEERING

Have they finished, Meadows?

Yes, they have - a great score, 83.7.

Puts them into the lead,

but of course, they're the first act.

The next act, what did you think about Amanda Sandow?

Will she go free? Let's hear it for her now, please.

SCREAMING AND CHEERING

Oh, Amanda - I think you could still be with us a teatime,

because in the lead, still, it's Chris & Wes.

But 74.7, a good score.

Right, well, the next act - he was an escapologist,

he was sensational, he was Chris Cross!

SCREAMING AND CHEERING

Up into the greens, there.

There we are, Meadows, look at that - 72.6.

He's in third, second place Amanda Sandow.

Still in the lead, bopping and popping away,

it's Chris & Wes.

They could be going free.

Only one performing prisoner act could pip them at the post.

Led by their conductor, the wonderful Ms Baton herself,

what did you think of the fantastic Slammer Vegetable Orchestra?

SCREAMING AND CHEERING

Oh - I'm afraid you didn't reach the top notes.

You got 71.3 - that means you're staying with us,

but the winners are going free.

From the Freedom Show and the Slammer,

it's Chris & Wes!

Go on, lads, off you go.

Go on, you're free! You're free to go.

Take them, take them - give them a big cheer!

Go, lads, go - give them a big cheer.

They don't want to go!

APPLAUSE

That's good news for Chris & Wes.

-The bad news is that you're staying in the Slammer. Mr Burgess.

-Sir!

You know, I can't bear to hear it.

I can't bear for you to say "Sloppy, ploppy porridge".

I'm sick of hearing sloppy, ploppy porridge.

-It's always sloppy, ploppy porridge.

-All right, sir.

For those of you who don't want to hear the results

of tonight's supper, look away now.

Oh, very funny, Mr Burgess.

Right, go on, get them back to the cells.

Give them a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen.

There they are - Amanda, Chris Cross and the Vegetable Orchestra.

Sloppy, ploppy porridge for tea - when will it ever end?

I don't know.

Well, jailers and jailbirds,

that's it for another Freedom show here at the Slammer,

but I hope you'll join us again soon for more fun in The Slammer,

and remember - if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

ALL: Don't do the crime!

See you all again soon.

Take care, my little jailers and jailbirds. God bless you!

Bye, everybody, bye-bye!

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #

JAZZY TUNE PLAYS

DANCE TUNE STARTS PLAYING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd