Come Lie with Me The Slammer

My name is Hugo Tenderhorn and I am the world's greatest liar.

-ECHO:

-Greatest liar!

Raised by pygmy monks in Hartlepool...

I am the identical twin brother of Justin Bieber.

Prisoner 715 34 forward slash B,

your three years of solitary confinement are over.

Can you please confirm your name?

Alfonso Trombone the Third!

Here we go again.

HOOTER BLOWS

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to the Slammer Where you've got to serve your time

# There's every type of minstrel, entertainer - what a feast!

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So call everybody and bring them to the Slammer

# And come and show your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

-# Leave the Slammer

-# It's the only way You'll ever leave the Slammer! #

You will not believe the Freedom Show we have for you this week.

There's the Harper Brothers.

Unicycle Guru.

And Sebastian Walton.

CHEERING

Come in! Ah!

The nerve centre! Ha-ha!

GLASS SMASHING

Excuse me, Hello. You may remember me.

I'm Hugo Tenderhorn, the world's greatest liar.

-Now, I need your help.

-Sure.

-You see, I've got these letters...

What do you want us to do?

I want you to... Mm!

I want you to... Ohhh!

I want you to stick wet salmon in your armpits.

No, it's a lie! I'm sorry. It's a lie. Oh!

Oh, hello. I'm Hugo.

I'm trying to find someone I've been corresponding with whilst I've been in solitary.

Oh, yes. And what is their name?

Their name is... Mmm!

Their... Spoonella McTrifle!

No, it's a fib! I'm sorry, no. Please don't ask me any questions.

No. I'm looking for a woman called Lydia Starshine.

-Why?

-Why?

Because... Mm-hmm-mm!

Because... Because she washes her hair with cheese!

No, I'm sorry, no. Please don't! No...

Oh! Oh, dear.

Excuse me!

So how do you respond to accusations that this prison is badly run,

it lacks discipline, the food is rotten

and it's generally a waste of tax payer's money?

You know, David, I've worked tirelessly for many years

to make this place the most successful showbiz prison in the country.

But the proof is in the pudding, so let's talk pudding.

We're like the custard on the pudding...

That didn't go very well. Can we start again?

-No, no, no. Keep going.

-Well...

-Why don't you come this way, sir?

Yes. Come along. I'll show you around, Frank.

Walk this way, sir.

-Come along, sir.

-Out the door, here.

GOVERNOR CHATTERING AWAY

-This is where the Freedom Show takes place.

-Sir, sir, sir!

-Yes?

-Can I...?

Now, let's not be hasty. There's lots of inmates to talk to.

-Take your time. Have a look round.

-I want to talk to him.

Oh, excellent choice.

But I think you'd be much more interested

in our Brazilian dancer, Fenella from the Favela.

-She's good her, isn't she?

-I really want to talk to this inmate.

If you must. I knew having you lot in would be trouble.

Excuse me, sir. Would you tell me, please, is this a good prison?

Mm...Mm... This is the greatest prison since the dawn of man.

See what I mean? Now come along.

Since early life forms joined hand in hand and walked down Wimbledon High Street.

Since the Apollo missions were powered solely by fish paste.

-Now...

-Since David Hasselhoff...

-Right that's enough. Mr Burgess?

Yeah, a pleasure, sir.

If you wouldn't mind coming this way, sir?

There's a little discussion we need to have.

-But I haven't finished.

-Oh, you're finished, all right, lad.

You're finished all right.

-All right. Keep moving, lad.

-But Mr Burgess, I have to find Lydia.

-We've written hundreds of letters to each other.

-Go in, get in there!

-We're in love!

-Shut up!

-Aarggh!

ROMANTIC MUSIC

# And, yes...

Yes, Lydia!

-# You'll be the only one

-LYDIA: # You'll be the only one!

BOTH: # Cos no-one can deny

# This love I have inside

# And I'll give it all to you

# My love

-# My love

-# My endless love! #

I have to find Lydia.

KNOCKING

I really shouldn't be doing this

but I think there's someone you might like to meet.

DOOR OPENING

Lydia!

Oh, Lydia. I never thought this moment would come.

Oh, you're everything I imagined you would be.

Really? Do you really mean that?

Whoa!

Of course I do.

But you're the world's greatest liar!

I am not! These flip-flops are made of steak and kidney pie!

-D'oh!

-I think this is going to be a problem.

No, no, it's not a problem, Lydia, unless you ask me a question.

Otherwise I am free to tell you what an enchanting and beautiful woman you are.

Ooh! Do you really think so?

Absolutely not. You're a pig in a frock.

-Oh!

-It's a lie! It's a lie! You see, that was a question.

Hey, hey, hey! What's the matter?

How's it ever going to work?

-Well, it's already working.

-Is it?

-Are you lying?

-Yes. I mean, no.

I mean... Oh, I don't know! I'm confused. I...

Oh! Oh, no, no, no, Lydia. Lydia, don't cry.

Look, I tell you what.

Why don't you sing one of those songs you've told me about in your letters?

Really? Do you want to hear me sing?

-I...

-Best not answer.

Ahem.

DEEP BASS VOICE # Swing low

# Sweet chariot

# Coming for to carry me home... # GLASS SMASHING

...with the shiniest hair in the whole of Manchester...

-You know?

-# Swing!

-What is that?

-# ..sweet chariot...

-Finally something interesting! Come on!

-ALARM BELL RINGING

# ..coming for to carry me home! #

-It's just there.

-All right, sir. It's Tenderhorn's cell, sir.

-What's going on here?

-We're having a secret romantic meeting.

Hang on - isn't he supposed to lie?

Does that mean they are having a secret meeting or not?

-What question did you ask again, sir?

-I said...

-I didn't lie! Lydia. I'm cured.

-Oh!

-That's enough of all this, you two.

-But I didn't lie, I tell you.

Oh, very exciting! Let's call it a night, shall we?

No, no, no! Lydia! Ask me any question.

Er... Do you want to get married?

I... I...

I'd love to sit in a bath of spaghetti hoops!

-What?!

-Oh, I thought as much.

-No, no! But I'm cured!

Wishful thinking, laddie, wishful thinking.

No, no, don't take me away.

-No! No!!

-Shall we go?

But I still don't understand why he was cured for a moment.

What was different?

-But it doesn't make sense.

-HOOTER SOUNDING

Surely you'd want to stay here with Lydia.

I can't bear it, sir. I can never be truthful with her.

I think it's best we stay apart.

Put me in the Freedom Show so I can get out of this place.

-Are you sure about this?

-Absolutely not.

Oh! Well, I suppose I have no choice.

-How do I look?

-You look divine.

-Oh!

-In that case, it's show time!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please welcome your host, a magical talking tiger called Martin.

He's got a brand-new fridge-freezer for every single one of you!

I'm sorry, that was a lie.

-It's the Governor!

-BAND PLAYS, AUDIENCE CHEERING

-Who's the Governor?

-You're the Governor!

Oh, my jailers and jailbirds, welcome to another Freedom Show,

where you decide who gets set free from the Slammer.

What wonderful acts we've got for you today.

And a bit special today.

We've got a TV crew in with us, in case you're wondering what the smell is.

But on with the Freedom Show. Well, what acts we've got!

We've got Unicycle Guru!

-Oh, yes!

-AUDIENCE OOHS

And we've got the magical skills of Sebastian Walton.

-Ooh!

-He'll amaze you.

And the wonderful Hugo Tenderhorn!

WHOOPING

But right now, jailers and jailbirds, the first performing prisoner act.

They're brothers, they're the Harper Brothers.

They're serving five years in the Slammer because the judge looked at their act and said,

"Oh, brother, you're going to jail."

Will you please welcome the Riverdance as you've never seen or heard it before

with the Harper Brothers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Come on, guys!

-Come on, guys!

-Come on, come on, come on.

IRISH MUSIC

Look! Jump! Look at that!

Whoo! Check me out! Come on!

Come on, now, son!

-GROANING

-I'm in trouble, here. I'm in trouble.

-MUSIC STOPS Stop! Stop!

-What's up with you, man?

I think I broke me bum.

-What do you mean, you broke your bum?

-I don't know. There's a crack right up it.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

You! That dancing's old-fashioned.

That were the Riverdance! That was it.

-Look at them. You know what they want?

-What?

They want modern music.

They don't want your old-fashioned Riverdancing music.

That's ridiculous. You're ridiculous, that's what you are.

-I'll prove you wrong.

-I'll leave it with you.

-I'll prove you wrong.

-Modern.

-I'll prove you wrong.

-Watch this.

-Rewind the track.

-TAPE REWINDS

Let's make it like Glastonbury. I want to see everybody clap their hands.

Let's do the proper Riverdance. Come on, everybody, let's do it.

-RIVERDANCE MUSIC

-Come on!

Oh!

RAP MUSIC

-What's that?

-Yo!

Yo! Check it out, man!

Hit it!

-Yo!

-What are you doing, man?

MUSIC STOPS

-What are you doing?

-I'm getting down with the kids, that's what I'm doing.

-Getting down with the kids?

-Getting down with the kids.

-Check your bother out.

-Yeah! Look at you!

-Mr Modern!

-In fact, check your pocket.

-Right.

-Check it.

-All right. I've got glasses.

-Put them on.

-Put them on?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Right, look at your audience.

-I can't see them.

-It doesn't matter. You know what they want?

-What?

-Modern music.

-Modern music?

-Look and learn.

-Watch me. Here we go.

-I'm watching.

MUSIC: "I'm Shuffling"

-Oh!

-CHEERING

Yeah! Come on!

I like it!

Yeah? Are you ready? Check it out. Go!

Whoo!

# Every day I'm shuffling. #

-Yes!

-CHEERING

No! What's up with it? What's up with it?

Well, the Harper Brothers doing the Riverdance.

But at the end of the day will they be dancing or will they be thrown in the river?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Right, the Harper Brothers. Bit of old-time variety.

-What did you make of that, Miss?

-I thought they were amaze-ballish.

-Amaze-ballish?

-Yeah.

-That's a mouthful.

They call that kind of humour knockabout humour.

-Did it knock you out?

-I thought it was really funny and it was epic at the end.

-Did they make you laugh?

-A lot.

-How did you laugh when you watched them?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

KIDS LAUGH

A final word. Sum that act up for me, please.

Funny.

Funny, sir.

That's the Harper Brothers. Will they be going free?

You'll find out at the end of the show.

Onto the next performing prisoner. A unique act.

A cycling act. In fact, a unicycle act.

Doing 14 years in the Slammer for recycling other people's acts.

Jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome the Unicycle Guru!

CHEERING

GROOVY SOUL MUSIC

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

WHOOPING

WHOOPING

WHOOPING

WHOOPING

Oh! Give a big cheer! Hooray!

Unicycle Guru. Well, will it be tea for two at home

or staying here for sloppy ploppy porridge?

-Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

-Right, man on a bike lobbing crockery.

-Any good?

-It was, like, extravagant.

-Why?

-Because I thought he was going to fall off but he didn't.

Three bicycle tyres, one on top of the other. Could you do that?

No. I thought it was spectacular

how he could balance all those while cycling on the three wheels.

Now, then, sir, sum that act up for me in one final word. Wait for it.

-Now!

-Amusing.

Yeah. It was really, wasn't it? Amusing, sir.

Right, well, that's what you thought of Unicycle Guru

but it's now time, jailers and jailbirds,

for the act that we call Solitary Confinement!

-Oh! Ooh!

-DOOMY MUSIC

No, Uncle Norris, not a pickled gherkin again!

Yes, the acts that are too bad and too naughty to be let out.

We let them have a little perform

and if they do well, they get a treat, jailers and jailbirds,

and today's treat is, well, at tea, they get a couple of extra courses to eat.

They get a bowl of soup and some cheese and biscuits.

-It's nice that, if you're a bit peckish. Two extra courses.

-AUDIENCE OOHS

But if they don't do well and if they get the thumbs down,

well, it's a cruel and unusual punishment.

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, they will be stuffed into a sack

and catapulted into outer space, sir.

-We need a judge, Mr Burgess.

-We do indeed, sir.

-Somebody of discernment.

-Who'd like to come and be my judge?

-Sir, step this way.

-Round of applause, please.

-Up you go, sir.

-He looks very wise, Mr Burgess.

-Absolutely, sir.

-Hello, sir. Your name, please?

-Elliot.

Elliot, you are today's judge.

-Mr Burgess, please apply...

-The wig of justice, sir.

The wig of justice. Looking very good indeed.

And have you got a thumb?

You'll need that later to decide whether it's thumbs up or thumbs down.

But right now it's time for the Solitary Confinement act

and today it's Steve "Bad Tomatoes" Jackson!

DOOMY MUSIC

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Steve "Bad Tomatoes" Jackson.

I am sure many of you are familiar with fire walking

and I'm sure you're all wondering, is it possible

to walk across a row of bad tomatoes?

The answer is most definitely yes!

And I'm the man to prove it.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

BOOING

Oh, dear. There we are.

Eh? I don't know where we get them from.

There we are. Judge Elliot, come back, there.

Well, Steve "Bad Tomatoes". Or was he rotten eggs?

Let's find out now with the judge.

OK, Elliot, let's see that thumb.

Remember, thumbs up, it's extra courses,

thumbs down, almost unbearable suborbital G-forces.

The time starts now.

AUDIENCE OOHING

Oh! There we are. Take him off to the catapult.

Marvellous. Unfortunately, you don't keep the wig

but you get something that everybody wants - a signed photograph of the Governor.

Isn't that wonderful? Give him a big round of applause.

-Thank you, Elliot.

-There we are.

-There we are.

Right, strap him in the sack!

-RUBBER STRETCHING SOUND

-Four, three, two, one...

-zero.

-Fire!

Aarrggghhhh!

There's a rotten tomato in space now. Thank you very much.

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir!

-Continue with the Freedom Show!

-Right, sir.

-Very good.

And what a Freedom Show we've got for you.

Another sensational act now. He's a magician, a magic act.

Serving 18 months in the Slammer

for doing the three-card trick with real credit cards,

jailers and jailbirds, would you please show your appreciation for Sebastian Walton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well, hello, there.

-Hello!

For my first trick, I need one of you to join me on stage.

Now, the young lady down here with the pink hairband?

Let's give her a massive round of applause.

-Hello. What's your name?

-My name's Milly.

Milly. Would you like to stand here for me, Milly?

Very good, thanks, Milly.

-I see you have a nice shiny ring on your finger.

-Yeah.

-Does that come off?

-Yeah.

-It's a very nice ring. Is it silver?

-Yes.

I'm going to take your ring and place it in the middle of this paper tissue.

I'm going to fold that once, twice, three, four times.

-Can you feel it in there?

-Yep.

Very good. So it's real silver, right?

There's only one way to test if it is real silver or not.

I'd like to take your ring

and set it on fire.

Now, if your ring is real silver, then it will vanish and disintegrate into the air.

CHEERING

Tell you what, I'll give you something else

to make up for what I did to your ring. I've got my phone.

-Do you want to see my phone?

-Yes!

-It's ringing now, actually.

Hello?

Let's see what else I've got. I also have an orange.

-I also have a mouldy potato. KIDS:

-Ugh!

Which one's your favourite, Milly?

-Orange.

-The orange. Are you sure?

-Shall we eat it now?

-Yes.

-Let's eat it now.

I have a knife. I'm going to slowly cut open the orange with the knife.

And inside the orange, Milly, is...

My ring?

No, it's juice. Juice.

But also... a walnut.

Milly, I don't want to touch the walnut. Can you take that for me, please?

Milly, what do you think is inside the walnut?

-My ring?

-Let's have a look.

Place the walnut into the walnut cracker.

Very good. Before I crack open the walnut, I've got a few questions.

Was your ring expensive?

Quite, yes.

CRACKING NOISE

Milly, question number two.

Was your ring of great sentimental value?

-Yes, very.

-CRACKING

Put your hand out like this.

I'm going to place the cracked walnut onto your hand, Milly.

Now, I can break it up and bit by bit...

You can actually see there's a ring inside the walnut.

Milly, in a loud and clear voice, is that your ring?

-Yes!

-It is!

CHEERING

Let's give Milly a massive round of applause.

Thank you very much, Milly. Give it up for Milly, everybody.

CHEERING

There we are!

How on earth did he do that? Sebastian Walton. What an act!

But at the end of the day, was it a magic spell he cast

or is he in for a long spell?

Let's find out from Mr Burgess.

Now, then, sir, what did you make of that?

It was very fabulastic and very entertaining.

What did you think of Sebastian Walton?

Well, I didn't think it was good but I thought it was really good.

Oh, not good - really good.

And one final word. Sum that act up for me, Miss.

-Impressive.

-Impressive, sir. Very good, very good.

Well, your views on Sebastian Walton, jailers and jailbirds, all welcomed, all valued.

-SOBBING

-But who'll go free? We can't decide until the final act has performed.

It's a very strange act. He's the world's biggest liar

and he's in the Slammer for 12 years for lying!

Jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome Hugo Tenderhorn!

CHEERING

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Hugo Tenderhorn.

I am the world's greatest liar.

How this works is you give me a question

and I will give you the most ridiculous lie you have ever heard.

Now, without further ado...

-BAND PLAYS PHRASE

-I've still got it.

The first question, please. Anyone.

-Yes, sir?

-What's the quickest way to fame and fortune?

Hmm, mm, the quickest way to fame and fortune...

Take the 410 from Croydon bus depot.

-Thank you!

-BAND STRIKES UP

-Next question, please. Yes?

-How do you fix a broken phone?

How do you fix a broken phone? How do you fix a broken phone?

You give it plenty of rest and steer clear of spicy foods.

-BAND PLAYS

-I thank you!

-I'm on fire. The next question, please! Anyone.

-Put your hand up.

-Yes?

-Do you love Lydia?

GASPING

Wait!

Come on. It's OK. Follow me.

LYDIA GASPS

-Now you can answer.

-Yes! Yes, I do love you, Lydia.

-In fact, I want to marry you.

-Oh!

CHEERING

Hold on, there. By the powers vested in me, the Governor of the Slammer,

I ask you, Lydia Arthur Starshine,

do you take Hugo McCracken Tenderhorn to be your lawful wedded husband,

to have and to hold from this day forth?

-I do!

-And what about you, Hugo?

-I do.

-I declare you husband and wife.

Hooray!

Hey, what about the rest of the Freedom Show?

Come on, let's get all the other acts back on board.

You can have that and we welcome back the Harper Brothers.

Unicycle Guru!

Sebastian Walton!

And, of course, Hugo Tenderhorn there, with his lovely Lydia.

Well, of course, only one performing prisoner act can go free

and we normally decide with the help of the Clap-o-meter, don't we, jailers and jailbirds?

But, you know, there's only one act for me today.

It's such a special occasion.

Two people who have been absolutely wonderful.

Don't you think those two people should go free?

Yes, Harper Brothers, hop it.

Come back here! Just a little joke - only a tiny little joke.

Jailers and jailbirds, for one show only, going free,

-the newly-weds, Hugo and Lydia! Off you go! You're free!

-Thank you!

-You're free!

-CHEERING

-Go on, away you go.

-Off you go.

Ah! They're going off for their wedding banquet.

Isn't that wonderful, jailers and jailbirds?

Well, bad news for the rest of you. You're staying.

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir?

-What are we having for tea?

Er, well, it is sloppy ploppy porridge, sir,

but it's a special wedding breakfast sloppy ploppy porridge.

Wedding breakfast? How is it different?

-Well, it's in tiers, sir.

-Oh, in tiers?

-Yeah.

Well, you certainly cry when you eat it, sir!

Oh, get 'em off for some sloppy ploppy porridge.

Give them a big hand, jailers and jailbirds.

-There they go. There they go.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that's it for a special wedding Freedom Show, jailers and jailbirds.

But, as we always say here in the Slammer,

come back and see us soon and remember,

if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

Don't do the crime!

And we'll see you soon for more fun on the Freedom Show.

From the Slammer, bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd