Come Lie with Me The Slammer


Come Lie with Me

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Transcript


LineFromTo

My name is Hugo Tenderhorn and I am the world's greatest liar.

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-ECHO:

-Greatest liar!

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Raised by pygmy monks in Hartlepool...

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I am the identical twin brother of Justin Bieber.

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Prisoner 715 34 forward slash B,

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your three years of solitary confinement are over.

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Can you please confirm your name?

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Alfonso Trombone the Third!

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Here we go again.

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HOOTER BLOWS

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# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to the Slammer Where you've got to serve your time

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# There's every type of minstrel, entertainer - what a feast!

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# Performing to the limit to try and get released

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# So call everybody and bring them to the Slammer

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# And come and show your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

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-# Leave the Slammer

-# It's the only way You'll ever leave the Slammer! #

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You will not believe the Freedom Show we have for you this week.

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There's the Harper Brothers.

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Unicycle Guru.

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And Sebastian Walton.

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CHEERING

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Come in! Ah!

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The nerve centre! Ha-ha!

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GLASS SMASHING

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Excuse me, Hello. You may remember me.

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I'm Hugo Tenderhorn, the world's greatest liar.

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-Now, I need your help.

-Sure.

-You see, I've got these letters...

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What do you want us to do?

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I want you to... Mm!

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I want you to... Ohhh!

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I want you to stick wet salmon in your armpits.

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No, it's a lie! I'm sorry. It's a lie. Oh!

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Oh, hello. I'm Hugo.

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I'm trying to find someone I've been corresponding with whilst I've been in solitary.

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Oh, yes. And what is their name?

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Their name is... Mmm!

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Their... Spoonella McTrifle!

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No, it's a fib! I'm sorry, no. Please don't ask me any questions.

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No. I'm looking for a woman called Lydia Starshine.

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-Why?

-Why?

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Because... Mm-hmm-mm!

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Because... Because she washes her hair with cheese!

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No, I'm sorry, no. Please don't! No...

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Oh! Oh, dear.

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Excuse me!

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So how do you respond to accusations that this prison is badly run,

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it lacks discipline, the food is rotten

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and it's generally a waste of tax payer's money?

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You know, David, I've worked tirelessly for many years

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to make this place the most successful showbiz prison in the country.

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But the proof is in the pudding, so let's talk pudding.

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We're like the custard on the pudding...

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That didn't go very well. Can we start again?

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-No, no, no. Keep going.

-Well...

-Why don't you come this way, sir?

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Yes. Come along. I'll show you around, Frank.

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Walk this way, sir.

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-Come along, sir.

-Out the door, here.

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GOVERNOR CHATTERING AWAY

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-This is where the Freedom Show takes place.

-Sir, sir, sir!

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-Yes?

-Can I...?

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Now, let's not be hasty. There's lots of inmates to talk to.

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-Take your time. Have a look round.

-I want to talk to him.

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Oh, excellent choice.

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But I think you'd be much more interested

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in our Brazilian dancer, Fenella from the Favela.

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-She's good her, isn't she?

-I really want to talk to this inmate.

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If you must. I knew having you lot in would be trouble.

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Excuse me, sir. Would you tell me, please, is this a good prison?

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Mm...Mm... This is the greatest prison since the dawn of man.

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See what I mean? Now come along.

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Since early life forms joined hand in hand and walked down Wimbledon High Street.

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Since the Apollo missions were powered solely by fish paste.

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-Now...

-Since David Hasselhoff...

-Right that's enough. Mr Burgess?

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Yeah, a pleasure, sir.

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If you wouldn't mind coming this way, sir?

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There's a little discussion we need to have.

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-But I haven't finished.

-Oh, you're finished, all right, lad.

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You're finished all right.

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-All right. Keep moving, lad.

-But Mr Burgess, I have to find Lydia.

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-We've written hundreds of letters to each other.

-Go in, get in there!

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-We're in love!

-Shut up!

-Aarggh!

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ROMANTIC MUSIC

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# And, yes...

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Yes, Lydia!

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-# You'll be the only one

-LYDIA: # You'll be the only one!

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BOTH: # Cos no-one can deny

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# This love I have inside

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# And I'll give it all to you

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# My love

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-# My love

-# My endless love! #

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I have to find Lydia.

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KNOCKING

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I really shouldn't be doing this

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but I think there's someone you might like to meet.

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DOOR OPENING

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Lydia!

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Oh, Lydia. I never thought this moment would come.

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Oh, you're everything I imagined you would be.

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Really? Do you really mean that?

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Whoa!

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Of course I do.

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But you're the world's greatest liar!

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I am not! These flip-flops are made of steak and kidney pie!

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-D'oh!

-I think this is going to be a problem.

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No, no, it's not a problem, Lydia, unless you ask me a question.

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Otherwise I am free to tell you what an enchanting and beautiful woman you are.

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Ooh! Do you really think so?

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Absolutely not. You're a pig in a frock.

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-Oh!

-It's a lie! It's a lie! You see, that was a question.

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Hey, hey, hey! What's the matter?

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How's it ever going to work?

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-Well, it's already working.

-Is it?

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-Are you lying?

-Yes. I mean, no.

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I mean... Oh, I don't know! I'm confused. I...

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Oh! Oh, no, no, no, Lydia. Lydia, don't cry.

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Look, I tell you what.

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Why don't you sing one of those songs you've told me about in your letters?

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Really? Do you want to hear me sing?

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-I...

-Best not answer.

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Ahem.

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DEEP BASS VOICE # Swing low

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# Sweet chariot

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# Coming for to carry me home... # GLASS SMASHING

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...with the shiniest hair in the whole of Manchester...

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-You know?

-# Swing!

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-What is that?

-# ..sweet chariot...

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-Finally something interesting! Come on!

-ALARM BELL RINGING

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# ..coming for to carry me home! #

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-It's just there.

-All right, sir. It's Tenderhorn's cell, sir.

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-What's going on here?

-We're having a secret romantic meeting.

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Hang on - isn't he supposed to lie?

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Does that mean they are having a secret meeting or not?

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-What question did you ask again, sir?

-I said...

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-I didn't lie! Lydia. I'm cured.

-Oh!

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-That's enough of all this, you two.

-But I didn't lie, I tell you.

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Oh, very exciting! Let's call it a night, shall we?

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No, no, no! Lydia! Ask me any question.

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Er... Do you want to get married?

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I... I...

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I'd love to sit in a bath of spaghetti hoops!

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-What?!

-Oh, I thought as much.

-No, no! But I'm cured!

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Wishful thinking, laddie, wishful thinking.

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No, no, don't take me away.

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-No! No!!

-Shall we go?

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But I still don't understand why he was cured for a moment.

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What was different?

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-But it doesn't make sense.

-HOOTER SOUNDING

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Surely you'd want to stay here with Lydia.

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I can't bear it, sir. I can never be truthful with her.

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I think it's best we stay apart.

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Put me in the Freedom Show so I can get out of this place.

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-Are you sure about this?

-Absolutely not.

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Oh! Well, I suppose I have no choice.

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-How do I look?

-You look divine.

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-Oh!

-In that case, it's show time!

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

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where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

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Now, please welcome your host, a magical talking tiger called Martin.

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He's got a brand-new fridge-freezer for every single one of you!

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I'm sorry, that was a lie.

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-It's the Governor!

-BAND PLAYS, AUDIENCE CHEERING

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-Who's the Governor?

-You're the Governor!

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Oh, my jailers and jailbirds, welcome to another Freedom Show,

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where you decide who gets set free from the Slammer.

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What wonderful acts we've got for you today.

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And a bit special today.

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We've got a TV crew in with us, in case you're wondering what the smell is.

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But on with the Freedom Show. Well, what acts we've got!

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We've got Unicycle Guru!

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-Oh, yes!

-AUDIENCE OOHS

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And we've got the magical skills of Sebastian Walton.

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-Ooh!

-He'll amaze you.

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And the wonderful Hugo Tenderhorn!

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WHOOPING

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But right now, jailers and jailbirds, the first performing prisoner act.

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They're brothers, they're the Harper Brothers.

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They're serving five years in the Slammer because the judge looked at their act and said,

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"Oh, brother, you're going to jail."

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Will you please welcome the Riverdance as you've never seen or heard it before

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with the Harper Brothers!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Come on, guys!

-Come on, guys!

-Come on, come on, come on.

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IRISH MUSIC

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Look! Jump! Look at that!

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Whoo! Check me out! Come on!

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Come on, now, son!

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-GROANING

-I'm in trouble, here. I'm in trouble.

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-MUSIC STOPS Stop! Stop!

-What's up with you, man?

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I think I broke me bum.

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-What do you mean, you broke your bum?

-I don't know. There's a crack right up it.

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What are you doing? What are you doing?

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You! That dancing's old-fashioned.

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That were the Riverdance! That was it.

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-Look at them. You know what they want?

-What?

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They want modern music.

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They don't want your old-fashioned Riverdancing music.

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That's ridiculous. You're ridiculous, that's what you are.

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-I'll prove you wrong.

-I'll leave it with you.

-I'll prove you wrong.

-Modern.

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-I'll prove you wrong.

-Watch this.

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-Rewind the track.

-TAPE REWINDS

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Let's make it like Glastonbury. I want to see everybody clap their hands.

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Let's do the proper Riverdance. Come on, everybody, let's do it.

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-RIVERDANCE MUSIC

-Come on!

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Oh!

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RAP MUSIC

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-What's that?

-Yo!

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Yo! Check it out, man!

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Hit it!

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-Yo!

-What are you doing, man?

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MUSIC STOPS

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-What are you doing?

-I'm getting down with the kids, that's what I'm doing.

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-Getting down with the kids?

-Getting down with the kids.

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-Check your bother out.

-Yeah! Look at you!

-Mr Modern!

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-In fact, check your pocket.

-Right.

-Check it.

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-All right. I've got glasses.

-Put them on.

-Put them on?

-Yeah.

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-OK.

-Right, look at your audience.

-I can't see them.

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-It doesn't matter. You know what they want?

-What?

-Modern music.

-Modern music?

-Look and learn.

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-Watch me. Here we go.

-I'm watching.

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MUSIC: "I'm Shuffling"

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-Oh!

-CHEERING

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Yeah! Come on!

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I like it!

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Yeah? Are you ready? Check it out. Go!

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Whoo!

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# Every day I'm shuffling. #

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-Yes!

-CHEERING

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No! What's up with it? What's up with it?

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Well, the Harper Brothers doing the Riverdance.

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But at the end of the day will they be dancing or will they be thrown in the river?

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Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

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Right, the Harper Brothers. Bit of old-time variety.

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-What did you make of that, Miss?

-I thought they were amaze-ballish.

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-Amaze-ballish?

-Yeah.

-That's a mouthful.

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They call that kind of humour knockabout humour.

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-Did it knock you out?

-I thought it was really funny and it was epic at the end.

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-Did they make you laugh?

-A lot.

-How did you laugh when you watched them?

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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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KIDS LAUGH

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A final word. Sum that act up for me, please.

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Funny.

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Funny, sir.

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That's the Harper Brothers. Will they be going free?

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You'll find out at the end of the show.

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Onto the next performing prisoner. A unique act.

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A cycling act. In fact, a unicycle act.

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Doing 14 years in the Slammer for recycling other people's acts.

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Jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome the Unicycle Guru!

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CHEERING

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GROOVY SOUL MUSIC

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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WHOOPING

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WHOOPING

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WHOOPING

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WHOOPING

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Oh! Give a big cheer! Hooray!

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Unicycle Guru. Well, will it be tea for two at home

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or staying here for sloppy ploppy porridge?

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-Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

-Right, man on a bike lobbing crockery.

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-Any good?

-It was, like, extravagant.

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-Why?

-Because I thought he was going to fall off but he didn't.

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Three bicycle tyres, one on top of the other. Could you do that?

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No. I thought it was spectacular

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how he could balance all those while cycling on the three wheels.

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Now, then, sir, sum that act up for me in one final word. Wait for it.

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-Now!

-Amusing.

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Yeah. It was really, wasn't it? Amusing, sir.

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Right, well, that's what you thought of Unicycle Guru

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but it's now time, jailers and jailbirds,

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for the act that we call Solitary Confinement!

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-Oh! Ooh!

-DOOMY MUSIC

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No, Uncle Norris, not a pickled gherkin again!

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Yes, the acts that are too bad and too naughty to be let out.

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We let them have a little perform

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and if they do well, they get a treat, jailers and jailbirds,

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and today's treat is, well, at tea, they get a couple of extra courses to eat.

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They get a bowl of soup and some cheese and biscuits.

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-It's nice that, if you're a bit peckish. Two extra courses.

-AUDIENCE OOHS

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But if they don't do well and if they get the thumbs down,

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well, it's a cruel and unusual punishment.

0:17:180:17:21

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

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Today, sir, they will be stuffed into a sack

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and catapulted into outer space, sir.

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-We need a judge, Mr Burgess.

-We do indeed, sir.

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-Somebody of discernment.

-Who'd like to come and be my judge?

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-Sir, step this way.

-Round of applause, please.

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-Up you go, sir.

-He looks very wise, Mr Burgess.

-Absolutely, sir.

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-Hello, sir. Your name, please?

-Elliot.

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Elliot, you are today's judge.

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-Mr Burgess, please apply...

-The wig of justice, sir.

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The wig of justice. Looking very good indeed.

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And have you got a thumb?

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You'll need that later to decide whether it's thumbs up or thumbs down.

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But right now it's time for the Solitary Confinement act

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and today it's Steve "Bad Tomatoes" Jackson!

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DOOMY MUSIC

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

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My name is Steve "Bad Tomatoes" Jackson.

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I am sure many of you are familiar with fire walking

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and I'm sure you're all wondering, is it possible

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to walk across a row of bad tomatoes?

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The answer is most definitely yes!

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And I'm the man to prove it.

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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BOOING

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Oh, dear. There we are.

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Eh? I don't know where we get them from.

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There we are. Judge Elliot, come back, there.

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Well, Steve "Bad Tomatoes". Or was he rotten eggs?

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Let's find out now with the judge.

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OK, Elliot, let's see that thumb.

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Remember, thumbs up, it's extra courses,

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thumbs down, almost unbearable suborbital G-forces.

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The time starts now.

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AUDIENCE OOHING

0:19:180:19:20

Oh! There we are. Take him off to the catapult.

0:19:230:19:27

Marvellous. Unfortunately, you don't keep the wig

0:19:270:19:30

but you get something that everybody wants - a signed photograph of the Governor.

0:19:300:19:34

Isn't that wonderful? Give him a big round of applause.

0:19:340:19:36

-Thank you, Elliot.

-There we are.

-There we are.

0:19:360:19:40

Right, strap him in the sack!

0:19:400:19:42

-RUBBER STRETCHING SOUND

-Four, three, two, one...

0:19:420:19:46

-zero.

-Fire!

0:19:460:19:48

Aarrggghhhh!

0:19:490:19:52

There's a rotten tomato in space now. Thank you very much.

0:19:520:19:56

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir!

-Continue with the Freedom Show!

-Right, sir.

-Very good.

0:19:560:19:59

And what a Freedom Show we've got for you.

0:19:590:20:01

Another sensational act now. He's a magician, a magic act.

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Serving 18 months in the Slammer

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for doing the three-card trick with real credit cards,

0:20:060:20:10

jailers and jailbirds, would you please show your appreciation for Sebastian Walton!

0:20:100:20:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Well, hello, there.

-Hello!

0:20:220:20:26

For my first trick, I need one of you to join me on stage.

0:20:260:20:28

Now, the young lady down here with the pink hairband?

0:20:280:20:31

Let's give her a massive round of applause.

0:20:310:20:33

-Hello. What's your name?

-My name's Milly.

0:20:360:20:37

Milly. Would you like to stand here for me, Milly?

0:20:370:20:39

Very good, thanks, Milly.

0:20:390:20:41

-I see you have a nice shiny ring on your finger.

-Yeah.

0:20:410:20:43

-Does that come off?

-Yeah.

0:20:430:20:45

-It's a very nice ring. Is it silver?

-Yes.

0:20:460:20:47

I'm going to take your ring and place it in the middle of this paper tissue.

0:20:470:20:51

I'm going to fold that once, twice, three, four times.

0:20:510:20:56

-Can you feel it in there?

-Yep.

0:20:560:20:58

Very good. So it's real silver, right?

0:20:580:21:00

There's only one way to test if it is real silver or not.

0:21:000:21:02

I'd like to take your ring

0:21:020:21:04

and set it on fire.

0:21:040:21:07

Now, if your ring is real silver, then it will vanish and disintegrate into the air.

0:21:070:21:11

CHEERING

0:21:140:21:15

Tell you what, I'll give you something else

0:21:150:21:18

to make up for what I did to your ring. I've got my phone.

0:21:180:21:20

-Do you want to see my phone?

-Yes!

-It's ringing now, actually.

0:21:200:21:23

Hello?

0:21:230:21:26

Let's see what else I've got. I also have an orange.

0:21:260:21:29

-I also have a mouldy potato. KIDS:

-Ugh!

0:21:290:21:33

Which one's your favourite, Milly?

0:21:330:21:35

-Orange.

-The orange. Are you sure?

0:21:350:21:37

-Shall we eat it now?

-Yes.

-Let's eat it now.

0:21:370:21:40

I have a knife. I'm going to slowly cut open the orange with the knife.

0:21:400:21:45

And inside the orange, Milly, is...

0:21:480:21:51

My ring?

0:21:520:21:54

No, it's juice. Juice.

0:21:540:21:56

But also... a walnut.

0:21:560:22:00

Milly, I don't want to touch the walnut. Can you take that for me, please?

0:22:000:22:03

Milly, what do you think is inside the walnut?

0:22:030:22:06

-My ring?

-Let's have a look.

0:22:060:22:08

Place the walnut into the walnut cracker.

0:22:080:22:10

Very good. Before I crack open the walnut, I've got a few questions.

0:22:100:22:14

Was your ring expensive?

0:22:140:22:17

Quite, yes.

0:22:170:22:19

CRACKING NOISE

0:22:200:22:21

Milly, question number two.

0:22:210:22:22

Was your ring of great sentimental value?

0:22:220:22:24

-Yes, very.

-CRACKING

0:22:240:22:27

Put your hand out like this.

0:22:270:22:29

I'm going to place the cracked walnut onto your hand, Milly.

0:22:290:22:32

Now, I can break it up and bit by bit...

0:22:320:22:34

You can actually see there's a ring inside the walnut.

0:22:380:22:40

Milly, in a loud and clear voice, is that your ring?

0:22:400:22:46

-Yes!

-It is!

0:22:460:22:48

CHEERING

0:22:480:22:50

Let's give Milly a massive round of applause.

0:22:510:22:54

Thank you very much, Milly. Give it up for Milly, everybody.

0:22:540:22:56

CHEERING

0:22:560:22:59

There we are!

0:23:000:23:02

How on earth did he do that? Sebastian Walton. What an act!

0:23:030:23:06

But at the end of the day, was it a magic spell he cast

0:23:060:23:08

or is he in for a long spell?

0:23:080:23:10

Let's find out from Mr Burgess.

0:23:100:23:13

Now, then, sir, what did you make of that?

0:23:130:23:15

It was very fabulastic and very entertaining.

0:23:150:23:17

What did you think of Sebastian Walton?

0:23:170:23:19

Well, I didn't think it was good but I thought it was really good.

0:23:190:23:22

Oh, not good - really good.

0:23:220:23:24

And one final word. Sum that act up for me, Miss.

0:23:240:23:26

-Impressive.

-Impressive, sir. Very good, very good.

0:23:260:23:29

Well, your views on Sebastian Walton, jailers and jailbirds, all welcomed, all valued.

0:23:290:23:34

-SOBBING

-But who'll go free? We can't decide until the final act has performed.

0:23:340:23:38

It's a very strange act. He's the world's biggest liar

0:23:380:23:41

and he's in the Slammer for 12 years for lying!

0:23:410:23:44

Jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome Hugo Tenderhorn!

0:23:440:23:48

CHEERING

0:23:480:23:50

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Hugo Tenderhorn.

0:23:550:23:59

I am the world's greatest liar.

0:23:590:24:01

How this works is you give me a question

0:24:010:24:05

and I will give you the most ridiculous lie you have ever heard.

0:24:050:24:08

Now, without further ado...

0:24:080:24:10

-BAND PLAYS PHRASE

-I've still got it.

0:24:100:24:12

The first question, please. Anyone.

0:24:120:24:14

-Yes, sir?

-What's the quickest way to fame and fortune?

0:24:140:24:19

Hmm, mm, the quickest way to fame and fortune...

0:24:190:24:23

Take the 410 from Croydon bus depot.

0:24:230:24:27

-Thank you!

-BAND STRIKES UP

0:24:270:24:29

-Next question, please. Yes?

-How do you fix a broken phone?

0:24:300:24:35

How do you fix a broken phone? How do you fix a broken phone?

0:24:350:24:38

You give it plenty of rest and steer clear of spicy foods.

0:24:380:24:42

-BAND PLAYS

-I thank you!

0:24:420:24:44

-I'm on fire. The next question, please! Anyone.

-Put your hand up.

0:24:440:24:48

-Yes?

-Do you love Lydia?

0:24:480:24:51

GASPING

0:24:510:24:53

Wait!

0:24:530:24:55

Come on. It's OK. Follow me.

0:24:580:25:00

LYDIA GASPS

0:25:050:25:07

-Now you can answer.

-Yes! Yes, I do love you, Lydia.

0:25:070:25:11

-In fact, I want to marry you.

-Oh!

0:25:110:25:16

CHEERING

0:25:160:25:19

Hold on, there. By the powers vested in me, the Governor of the Slammer,

0:25:200:25:23

I ask you, Lydia Arthur Starshine,

0:25:230:25:27

do you take Hugo McCracken Tenderhorn to be your lawful wedded husband,

0:25:270:25:32

to have and to hold from this day forth?

0:25:320:25:34

-I do!

-And what about you, Hugo?

0:25:340:25:36

-I do.

-I declare you husband and wife.

0:25:370:25:41

Hooray!

0:25:410:25:43

Hey, what about the rest of the Freedom Show?

0:25:430:25:46

Come on, let's get all the other acts back on board.

0:25:460:25:48

You can have that and we welcome back the Harper Brothers.

0:25:480:25:51

Unicycle Guru!

0:25:520:25:54

Sebastian Walton!

0:25:550:25:56

And, of course, Hugo Tenderhorn there, with his lovely Lydia.

0:25:560:26:02

Well, of course, only one performing prisoner act can go free

0:26:020:26:05

and we normally decide with the help of the Clap-o-meter, don't we, jailers and jailbirds?

0:26:050:26:09

But, you know, there's only one act for me today.

0:26:090:26:12

It's such a special occasion.

0:26:120:26:13

Two people who have been absolutely wonderful.

0:26:130:26:16

Don't you think those two people should go free?

0:26:160:26:19

Yes, Harper Brothers, hop it.

0:26:190:26:21

Come back here! Just a little joke - only a tiny little joke.

0:26:210:26:25

Jailers and jailbirds, for one show only, going free,

0:26:250:26:29

-the newly-weds, Hugo and Lydia! Off you go! You're free!

-Thank you!

0:26:290:26:33

-You're free!

-CHEERING

0:26:330:26:35

-Go on, away you go.

-Off you go.

0:26:350:26:37

Ah! They're going off for their wedding banquet.

0:26:390:26:43

Isn't that wonderful, jailers and jailbirds?

0:26:430:26:45

Well, bad news for the rest of you. You're staying.

0:26:450:26:47

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir?

-What are we having for tea?

0:26:470:26:49

Er, well, it is sloppy ploppy porridge, sir,

0:26:490:26:52

but it's a special wedding breakfast sloppy ploppy porridge.

0:26:520:26:55

Wedding breakfast? How is it different?

0:26:550:26:56

-Well, it's in tiers, sir.

-Oh, in tiers?

-Yeah.

0:26:560:26:58

Well, you certainly cry when you eat it, sir!

0:26:580:27:01

Oh, get 'em off for some sloppy ploppy porridge.

0:27:010:27:03

Give them a big hand, jailers and jailbirds.

0:27:030:27:05

-There they go. There they go.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:050:27:07

Well, that's it for a special wedding Freedom Show, jailers and jailbirds.

0:27:090:27:14

But, as we always say here in the Slammer,

0:27:140:27:16

come back and see us soon and remember,

0:27:160:27:18

if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

0:27:180:27:20

Don't do the crime!

0:27:200:27:23

And we'll see you soon for more fun on the Freedom Show.

0:27:230:27:25

From the Slammer, bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye!

0:27:250:27:28

CHEERING

0:27:280:27:29

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0:27:520:27:54

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