Slammer-on-Sea The Slammer

'Dear Mum, life was a beach today as we all decided it was time

'for a good old-fashioned holiday.

'Sun, sea and seriously dangerous acts!'

'And of course it was up to us

'to make sure the Freedom Show ended with a real punch!'

Get back, you hideous reptile!

'It all started when I had the best idea ever...'

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish off your act

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands

# So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

Ha-ha-ha! Dear, oh, dear!

A summer holiday, Meadows! Here in The Slammer?

-Hee-hee!

-Turning The Slammer into a holiday resort?

Worst idea I've ever heard, sir.

It's the best idea I've ever had!

Exactly what I said, sir, the best idea you've ever had!

Give the inmates a bit of R&R!

R&R, sir?

Rubber rings and rock!

And you'd both feel the benefit, as well!

Who doesn't like a holiday this time of year?

I love the seaside! The feel of sand between your toes.

Eating ice cream, building sandcastles, eating ice cream,

waiting for a donkey ride,

eating ice cream. Oh, and don't forget,

a good Punch and Judy show, that's the best bit of all!

Well, good to see we're not getting too carried away with it.

Oh, come on, Mr Burgess! We're on holiday!

Give us a smile!

Yes, Frank! Don't be Mr Grumpy Pumps!

-ANNOUNCER:

-Boat number two, your time is up.

Please return to the boat ramp. Thank you.

There, the finishing touch to Slammer-On-Sea,

the perfect seaside resort!

I still don't see why we had to have it indoors.

Are you kidding? This is a British holiday.

Of course it's going to rain.

Frank! Frank!

Take my picture, Frank!

Oh, I love the seaside, me!

Ooh! Ha-ha!

Oh, the smell of fresh sea air, the feeling of sand between my toes,

the sound of the seagulls overhead...

Thank you, Meadows. Good attention to detail.

Thank you, sir.

Ooh, look - ice cream!

# Oh, I do love to be beside the seaside!

# Oh, I do love to be beside the sea! #

No ice cream, sir, the budget didn't stretch that far.

We've had to freeze some sloppy ploppy porridge.

Froppyslop, sir, that's what I'm calling them.

But on the plus side, you do get a stick of chocolate in it!

Here, you have it.

Thanks, sir.

I must say, this whole holiday idea has really cheered up the inmates.

Look, there's BMX Freestylers scampering in the rock pool.

There's Black Lace, catching some righteous rays,

as I believe the young folk call it. Oh! And there's Chuck

making the biggest sand castle in the history of The Slammer.

-That's not very big, sir.

-To be honest, Frank,

how many sandcastles have we had in the history of The Slammer?

-Fair point, sir.

-Aren't we missing someone?

Oh, I've booked a Punch and Judy show for the final act.

-You said how much you like them.

-Punch and Judy! Oh!

This day just gets better and better and better!

Oh, look! A hook a duck stall.

Please, Mr Burgess. Can I have a go on hook a duck?

Please. Hook a duck, Frank!

Hook a duck! Hook a duck! Hook a duck! Please, Frank!

-Go on, then!

-Oh, great!

Now, come on, Mr Burgess, you're on holiday too!

Oh, no, I'm not! And you can't make me. It's in my contract.

Don't be Mr Grumpy Pumps again, Frank, come on.

Come to think of it, Frank, have you ever been on holiday?

Once, sir, yeah.

1976 it was.

I was on duty after a particularly heavy lunch.

I removed my tie, sir.

I know, sir! Madness, sir! Madness!

I might even have undone my top shirt button,

for a period not exceeding 20 minutes.

It was then that I realised

technically that meant that I'd been on holiday.

And I didn't like it, sir.

Fancy a swim, Frank?

Do you think it's safe to go swimming so soon after eating, sir?

It's all right, as long as I don't go in out of my depth.

Be honest, have you ever known me get out of my depth?

Now, I'm having such a great time!

All I need is that Punch and Judy from the Freedom Show.

You not joining me, Mr Burgess? Don't go in the deep end.

Oh, and no piddling.

Right, Mr Burgess, iiiit's...

-Just one thing, sir.

-What's that, Frank?

Shouldn't you get changed first, sir?

Oh! Yes.

Because it's showtime!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now please welcome your host,

you know he's only in it cos he's hot right now!

Eh-oh! Eh-oh! It's The Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?

You're the Governor!

Oh, my little jailers and jailbirds! It's wonderful to see you

at the seaside. Give us a cheer!

CHEERING

Oh, yes. We've brought the seaside into The Slammer today

for some fun and games for our Freedom Show,

and what a Freedom Show we've got.

You'll decide who's the winner and who'll go free at the end.

We've got wonderful acts. We've got Chuck!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

We've got Black Lace!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

And we've got Punch and Judy!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

I can see you're excited, jailers and jailbirds.

So, let's get straight on with it with an act that have been

practising in The Slammer for ages.

They've worn out their tyres almost in an effort to get free

on the Freedom Show today.

Will you please show your appreciation for BMX Freestylers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's hear it for them, yes!

Let's hear it for them, jailers and jailbirds!

The Freestylers, yeah!

Well, they were great freestylers,

but have they done enough to earn their freedom?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

BMX Freestylers there.

But were they, sir, or were they just a couple of lads showing off?

Well, safety-wise it was rubbish cos they had no brakes,

but coming from the point of a kid like me, well...

you've just got to love their style and speed and, well,

just that, really.

-What IS a kid like you, sir?

-I'm awesome!

-Yes.

Could you tell me all about the BMX Freestylers?

It was fantastic.

They obviously need to be set free.

-Right, sum that act up for me in just one word.

-Fabuliscious.

Fabuliscious, sir!

Well, that's what you thought of the Freestylers.

They may be pedalling out of here,

but before that we've got some more acts to see.

A great Freedom Show here at the seaside...

Is the Punch and Judy man here yet?

Not yet, but I'm sure they'll be here soon.

Won't be much of a seaside special without the final act, is it, hmm?

It's upwards and onwards with our show.

The next act, I can't describe him,

really, except he's very poppy, he's very visual and he's serving

seven years here in The Slammer, and he really wants to get out today.

Will he do it? Let's find out as you chuck loads of applause at Chuck!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SONG: "Hot Right Now" by DJ Fresh ft. Rita Ora

# Get your hands up cos you think you've got it

# Going crazy, we're not even started

# Eh-oh eh-oh eh-eh

# Eh-oh eh-oh oooh

# It's so funny that you think you're winning

# Cos somebody told you who was spinning

# Eh-oh eh-oh eh-eh

# Eh-oh eh-oh oh, yeah

# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now

# Hot right now

# Turn it up right now

# Put your hands in the air if you want it right now

# Eh-oh eh-oh hot right now

# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now

# Hot right now

# Turn it up right now

# Put your hands in the air if you want it right now

# Eh-oh eh-oh hot right now

# You got the latest place

# It's on your radar

# By the time you show your face, it's over

# Eh-oh eh-oh eh-eh

# Eh-oh eh-oh oooh

# You got the magic numbers on your speed dial

# And you're too busy dropping names, but meanwhile

# Meanwhile

# Eh-oh eh-oh oh

# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now

# Hot right now

# Turn it up right now

# Put your hands in the air

# If you want it right now

# Eh-oh eh-oh

# Hot right now

# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now

# Hot right now

# Turn it up right now... #

Come on, let's hear it for Chuck!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Hey, and don't any of you try that at home.

He's been training for years. Really. Do not try it.

But let's see if he's going to go free with Mr Burgess.

Right! Chuck. Did he?

He was really great and I cannot use any more words to describe him.

Have you got lots to say about Chuck, sir?

All I thought all the way through

was how much he must've hurt himself.

But the way he did land and do all the tricks was perfect.

And for one final word, sum that act up for me, sir.

-Mind-blowing.

-Mind-blowing, sir, thank you.

Well, there we are, jailers and jailbirds.

That's what you thought of Chuck.

Now, the act that we call Solitary Confinement!

Who shaved that monkey? Yes!

These are the acts that we don't let out

because they're too bad to be released into the community.

-'But we let them...'

-Are you sure? Oh, that's terrible!

And there's nothing you can do?

Right. OK. Thanks. Bye.

'It's a cruel and unusual punishment.'

-Mr Burgess.

-Sir!

What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's being rammed in a sack, strapped into a catapult

and fired off into space, sir.

-Well, I think what we need is a judge, Mr Burgess.

-We do, sir.

-Have you cast your eye upon this crowd?

-Who'd like to be our judge?

This young lady here looks like a fine one for a judge, sir.

Give her a round of applause, please.

Welcome to the Seaside Slammer. On the stage, you're to be the judge.

What is your name, please, miss?

-Leigh.

-Leigh, very good. Have you got the Wig Of Justice?

I have, sir, the Wig Of Justice goes on there.

Have you got the Thumb Of Fate?

You'll decide thumbs up or thumbs down.

As we get ready for the solitary confinement act that we call

The Man Who Eats His Own Candyfloss Beard!

AUDIENCE: Booo!

Yum, yum!

AUDIENCE: Booo!

Yum, yum!

Yum, yum!

The Punch and Judy man swallowed his swazzle, and now he's in swurgery!

I mean, surgery.

Means we're an act short for the Freedom Show!

I'll think of something. Erm...

You better had.

AUDIENCE: Booo!

Oh! Dear, oh, dear. I don't know, that was...

That was like being kept in detention forever, wasn't it?

Remember, thumbs up, Blackpool Tower,

thumbs down, launched into the stratosphere

at 1,347.9 miles per hour.

You've got five seconds to decide with a bit of oohing

and aahing from the crowd.

Here we go. What's it to be? Your time starts now.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

Oh!

Take him away and strap him in! There we are.

Leigh, you've done very well as our judge.

Unfortunately you can't take away the Wig Of Justice,

that stays here in The Slammer.

But you do take away what every young person wants.

Yes, a signed photograph of the Governor.

Yes, thank you very much indeed.

Officer Meadows, take her away, please.

-Mr Burgess, would you start the procedure?

-I will. Right!

Ram him in the sack!

'Five, four, three,

'two, one...

'Zero.'

Aaah!

Yum, yum!

Off he goes, sir!

That'll melt his candyfloss. Very good, Mr Burgess.

-Continue with the Freedom Show, please.

-Thank you, sir!

-Very good.

What a Freedom Show we've got for you.

Our next act is a wonderful act, and in fact if you ask any grown-up

that you know about this act, they'll go,

"Oh, yes, I remember them."

They're serving 17 years in The Slammer for being Black Lace.

So please welcome Black Lace!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, kids, come on! Everybody on their feet. It's party time!

-Let's have a party!

-Here we go.

Clap your hands! Come on, everybody!

Come on, kids!

# Aga-doo-doo-doo

# Push pineapple shake a tree

# Aga-doo-doo-doo

# Push pineapple grind coffee

# To the left, to the right

# Jump up and down and to the knees

# Come and dance every night

# Sing with a hula melody

# I met a hula mistress somewhere in Waikiki

# Well, she was sellin' pineapple, playin' ukulele

# And when I went to the girl, "Come on and teach me to sway"

# She laughed and whispered to me, "Yes, come tonight to the bay"

# The lovely beach and the sky

# The moon of Kauai

# Around calypso sarong

# We'll all be singin' this song

# Aga-doo-doo-doo

# Push pineapple, shake a tree

# Aga-doo-doo-doo

# Push pineapple, grind coffee

# To the left, to the right

# Jump up and down and to the knees

# Come and dance every night

# Sing with a hula melody

# Aga-doo-doo-doo

# Push pineapple, shake a tree

# Aga-doo-doo-doo

# Push pineapple, grind coffee

# To the left, to the right

# Jump up and down and to the knees

# Come and dance every night

# Sing with a hula melody

# Aga-doo-doo-doo

# Push pineapple, shake a tree

# Aga-doo-doo-doo

# Push pineapple, grind coffee

# To the left, to the right

# Jump up and down and to the knees

# Come and dance every night

# Sing with a hula melody. #

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, there we are!

Black Lace, jailers and jailbirds! What an act.

But at the end of the day will they be pushing pineapples

or grinding coffee in The Slammer?

Let's find out with that groover Mr Burgess.

Right, then, Jarvis, were you pushing the pineapple?

-Yes.

-And what were you doing with your coffee?

I was grinding it.

What did you think of Black Lace?

It gave me a chance to show my moves.

And the singing was fantastic and they should be set free.

Show us a few of your moves.

Oh, yeah, here we go.

There we are, look at that. That's good.

I think you should join Black Lace, madam.

Well, I would be willing to do that.

One final word. Sum that act up for me, please.

Silly.

Silly. Indeed. Silly, sir.

Well, Black Lace could be released into the community.

What a thought that is.

But now on to the final part of the Freedom Show

and a real treat for you.

A genuine Punch and Judy show!

Er... They couldn't come, sir.

-What? Who is going to close the Freedom Show?

-We are.

What a great idea.

There's only one thing better than watching a Punch and Judy show

-and that is being IN a Punch and Judy show.

-No, no. Now, listen, sir.

You know I said I don't like going on holidays.

Well, I've changed my mind, sir.

-And I'd like to go on holiday starting now.

-Too late.

-Come here, Frank. He-he!

-Sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, jailers and jailbirds,

now for a real seaside treat.

For one time only,

yours truly and the HMP Slammer prison officers present

Punch and Judy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, jailers and jailbirds. I'm Mr Punch. Not yet, Frank.

I have got my little legs there. It's lovely to see you, everybody.

Yes. I live here in this house with my lovely wife, Judy.

-Would you like to meet Judy?

-ALL: Yes!

If you shout out her name, she might come out. Let's shout for her. Judy.

-ALL: Judy!

-There she is. Give her a round of applause, boys and girls.

-That's the way to do it.

-Did somebody call my name?

-Yes.

-I want you to look after my little sausages.

I like sausages, boys and girls.

While I go off and I tenderise my big jumbo bangers for tea.

Now, listen, I know what you're like. You're a very naughty boy.

Listen, boys and girls, if you see Mr Punch nibbling at those sausages,

-I want you to shout for me. Will you do that?

-ALL: Yes!

-Be a good Mr Punch.

-Bye-bye, Judy.

You go and tenderise those lovely bangers.

Do you know, I don't think it would hurt

if I had just one little nibble, boys and girls.

I'll just have a little nibble of those sausages.

ALL: Judy!

What is it? Oh!

I've got a headache. It must be this tight hat.

I'll just have a little nibble of the sausages.

-ALL: Judy!

-What?

Naughty, naughty, naughty! Naughty, naughty, naughty!

-That'll do, Frank.

-I am acting, sir.

-I know! You're overdoing it.

-I am sorry, sir.

If you touch my sausages again, something very,

very scary will come and get you.

I don't like scary things, do you, boys and girls?

-Something very scary.

-ALL: No! Yes!

-All right.

-I won't touch them this time.

-It's going well, sir.

It's going marvellous. Keep going, keep going.

On, I don't like scary things.

I hope I don't see anything nasty and scary.

You shout and tell me.

THEY SHOUT

What did you see?

ALL: Crocodile!

A crocodile? Oh, no, it wasn't.

ALL: Oh, yes, it was!

Oh, no, it wasn't. Now stop messing about. You're getting me scared now.

Keep an eye open. And nobody gets those sausages.

Anything scary comes, you tell me. I'll keep an eye open down there.

That looks scary. Picture of Mr Burgess there.

THEY SHOUT

-What?

-THEY SHOUT LOUDER

What? What?

-Where's the sausages gone?

-Right, then, boys and girls.

I've come back to pick up my little sausages. Where are they, Mr Punch?

Judy, let me explain. What happened was, boys and girls, the sausages...

-The crocodile.

-Crocodile?

-Yes.

-A crocodile ate my small sausages?

-Oh, no, it didn't.

-ALL: Oh, yes, it did!

-Oh, no, it didn't.

-ALL: Oh, yes, it did.

Yes, it did.

Right, don't worry, I will save you with this giant sausage.

Get back, you hideous reptile. Get back!

Don't overdo it!

Down, down.

Get in.

She's still snapping! Yes!

Hooray!

THEY CHEER

-There are your sausages.

-What happens now, sir?

Well, in the script it says I give you a big hug

-and a kiss.

-And that concludes this afternoon's performance.

-God save the Queen.

-Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you. And the crocodile. Miss Meadows, Mr Burgess and me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, jailers and jailbirds,

let's find out what you thought of that with Mr Judy, I mean

-Mrs Burgess, I mean, Mr Burgess.

-Sir!

Man's perspective on a bit of traditional seaside Punch and Judy.

I think it was very entertaining and inspiring.

-What did it inspire you to do? Join the Prison Service?

-No. Be a puppet.

-Be a puppet?

-What did you think of Mr Punch?

-He's a bit rubbish.

-He's a bit... Hang on, that's me.

-One final word.

-Sum that act up for me, sir.

-Good.

-Good. Yes, good.

Yes, that'll do.

Right, that is what you thought of, well, us! Will we be going free?

I don't know. Let us welcome everyone back from the Freedom Show.

BMX Freestylers...

Chuck...

Come on, Black Lace, yeah, come on!

-And of course, us, Mr Burgess.

-That's us, sir.

-And Miss Meadows!

The crocodile. There she is. Come and join us. There we are.

Well, remember, at the end of the Freedom Show, you decide who

goes free. With the aid of this. The Clap-o-Meter.

The more noise you make, the higher each act's score goes.

So, who will it be? First of all, it was the BMX Freestylers.

CHEERING

Wow! Thank you, lads. Almost off the scale. 95.2. Sensational.

Well, another energetic act, jailers and jailbirds, Chuck.

CHEERING

Brilliant, Chuck, but it looks like you are just still in second place.

Ohh, very high scores, though. Tremendous scores, those!

Well, what did you think of the next act?

We love singing and dancing to them. Will they go out? It's Black Lace!

CHEERING

73.3. Sorry, lads.

You'll be staying with us for a little longer in The Slammer.

But that does not matter.

We've got one more performing prison officers and Governor to see.

Punch and Judy. That's the way to do it!

CHEERING

Thank heavens for that. We're staying. Yes, 84.7.

Don't know what we'd have done if we'd gone free.

But I tell you who is going free, it is the BMX Freestylers!

CHEERING

Away you go, lads. Take them away.

Give them a big cheer, jailers and jailbirds. Off they go!

I suppose that is the good news for them.

The bad news for us is that we are all staying in The Slammer.

But we do get to get tea. I have just had an idea, though.

Mr Burgess, we could all have one of those Froppyslops.

-At least that way you get a cone.

-We've run out of cones, sir.

-Ohh!

-We put it in a bowl, though.

-Oh.

-It's melted, though.

-So, what's it like now?

-Sloppy ploppy porridge, sir.

-Ohhh, no.

-Take them away.

-Come on, off you go.

There we are. Let's hear it for Black Lace and Chuck.

Come and see us again, jailers and jailbirds.

But remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

ALL: Don't do the crime!

And we will see you for more fun on the Freedom Show at The Slammer.

Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

-I trust you had a good holiday, sir.

-Yes, Frank.

I did every fun thing you can do at the seaside.

Except a donkey ride.

I didn't get a donkey ride.

Giddy-up, Dobbin. To the pier and back. I love it.

KLAXON SOUNDS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd