A Monster Problem The Slammer

Hey, blog fans, whoever you are! No, seriously, who are you?

Are you my mum?

Or maybe you're secret agents from MI5 spying on me?!

Whichever you are, click "Like."

I'm about to post some clips of today's Freedom Show.

It was rocking...

..shocking...

and for one act, freedom came knocking!

Ooh, and if you are MI5,

no pressure, but I would make an amazing spy!

See what I mean?

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

TV BLARES

Ooh, this Antiques Hunter is scarily bad telly!

Look at it go! What would you pay?

THEY SCREAM

Maybe next week we should stick to something less upsetting.

Ooh, like Zombie Apocalypse 4: Zombie Mopeds!

Sounds great. I love anything scary, me.

HE SCREAMS

Ha, brilliant!

In fact, I've chosen a monstrous finale

for this week's Freedom Show - Monster Mayhem!

-Ooh!

-Not THE Monster Mayhem, sir?

Yes, I can't wait!

In that case, I shall presume you haven't seen the act, sir?

ROARING

SHE ROARS

So, what do you think? Scary, or what?

If I'm being perfectly honest...what.

And if you're being dishonest?

The thing is, Clarissa, I don't think your one-woman monster show...

"Guaranteed to scare your head off!"

Yeah, I don't think you're ready to be released into normal society yet.

Or even ABNORMAL society.

Guv, come on, give her a chance!

No, it's fine, love. If the Governor says I'm not good enough,

I won't let it get me down.

I mean, I should be used to rejection by now.

How else did I end up in here?

-SAD VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

-It was all going so well at first.

I landed my dream role in Doctor Who, playing a Dalek.

But someone swapped my plunger for a loo brush!

Then I got a part in Lord Of The Rings as an evil oak tree...

but they said my acting was wooden!

Then I was in Star Trek, as a Klingon...

but I kept dropping off!

All right, all right, she's back in the show!

Yeah, and you can pack that in for a start!

But she's rubbish, sir!

Thanks, Guv. I promise I'm going to scare the crowd stupid!

Great! But don't call me stupid.

I bet Clarissa wins the whole Freedom Show!

Oh, do you now, Meadows? Perhaps you'd like to make it

a little bit interesting?

Oh, well, I can street dance.

No, how about a little wager?

If Clarissa DOESN'T win the whole show,

then you can clean out the toilets for a week.

-Fine!

-Blindfolded!

-Fine!

-With a toothpick!

-Can I think about..?

-Shake my hand!

Right, you have to win today, otherwise I'm in it up to my elbows

and all round my chin!

So, show me what you've got.

Stand back, Ms Meadows, I'm going to scare his brains out!

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

SHE ROARS HE LAUGHS

Clarissa, I've just realised something.

You really are rubbish...

which gives me a fabulous idea!

Are you sure about this, Ms Meadows?

Er...no.

But doesn't that make things extra exciting?!

Oh, I hear her latest rehearsal was funnier than a Yeti in a car wash.

Still, don't be too hard on yourself, Meadows.

Let me do that for you!

Oh, yes, and by the way,

I've just requested that tonight is sloppy ploppy curry night!

So those toilets will need a really deep clean.

Mmm, make sure you get right under the rim.

HE HUMS

Right, let's try the new act from the beginning.

And, remember, think "Funny!"

Well, I'm glad to see one smiling face!

Yes, you look very happy, Meadows. Don't!

Now, are you ready for a monstrously good show?

-How do I look?

-BOTH:

-Gruesome, sir!

Thank you very much. In that case...

it's Showtime!

LIGHTNING SIZZLES

I'm alive!

Ooh, steady, lad!

Down boy! Down boy! Good boy! Good boy!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, what's that coming over the hill?

It's a monster - a showbiz monster!

It's the Governor!

CHEERING

Yeah! Who's the Governor?

AUDIENCE: You're the Governor!

Oh, my little Jailors and Jailbirds,

great to see you for another Freedom Show,

where you decide who's going free from The Slammer.

We've got a very interesting group. How can I describe them?

They make music with pipes - they're called Strokes.

AUDIENCE OOHS

We've got a gravity-defying act that does basketball.

They defy the laws of gravity and, funnily enough,

they're called Lords of Gravity.

AUDIENCE OOHS

And then, a very scary act called Monster Mayhem!

AUDIENCE SQUEALS

But right now, to get things really rocking,

Jailers and Jailbirds,

we've got a very, very unusual act. He does everything!

Yes, it's Steve Rawlings!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, thank you!

OK, I'd like to begin with a quick trick

that hasn't been performed in about 60 years.

HE GUFFAWS

I am, in fact, talking about furniture juggling.

Hands up if you actually believe I can juggle this.

All right. Hands up if you couldn't care less.

LAUGHTER

Let's tell this like it really is!

A nice, slow, handclap. Come on. Nice and loud.

THEY CLAP SLOWLY Now, let's go!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND CHEERS

Big finish!

Yes! CHEERING

Thank you.

The whole show is, by the way, in 3-D.

I'm going to juggle some fire now.

Um, in the event of a fire, stay exactly where you are.

Eventually, there'll be exits everywhere!

HE GUFFAWS LAUGHTER

Now, you can all clearly see for yourselves it is real fire.

No, uh...

gng-gng-gng-gng...

ho-ho! HE GUFFAWS

Warm-up exercise number two...

LAUGHTER

Not to be done into the wind!

For... HE GUFFAWS

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Well..."

AUDIENCE GASPS

"..he wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't..."

Flaming idiot!

Another three months, then, is it? Here we go.

CHEERING

Whee!

Oh!

SCREAMING Pretty good, eh?!

HE GUFFAWS

I know what you're thinking now.

"How can he be so cool?"

SCREAMING

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

LAUGHTER

Fine!

I'm stood here, burning to death, and you're all going,

"Oh, don't tell him - that's very funny!"

Here we go.

Ooh-eeh!

AUDIENCE OOHS

Big finish!

Yes! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Come on, let's hear it for Steve Rawlings!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Wow!

Now listen, everybody...

EVERYBODY - do not try that at home,

and don't ever play with fire.

Steve Rawlings is highly-trained, of course.

Well, he certainly felt the heat,

but will he be getting out the cooler?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Right, Steve Rawlings, fire and juggling - any good?

Yeah, it were very dangerous, and that's what was fantastic about it.

Steve Rawlings - the kind of act you're looking for?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? What was good about him?

I think it was funny when he burnt the table,

and it was unbelievable how he chucked the fire around.

And for one final word on Steve Rawlings,

sum that act up for me...ha!

Tremendous!

Tremendous, then, sir.

Well, that's what you thought of Steve Rawlings,

my little convicted vaudevillian evaluators.

Still lots to come on the Freedom Show, including Monster Mayhem.

AUDIENCE OOHS

But right now, we've got a sensational act

hoping to win their freedom from The Slammer.

They're musical, they're different,

I hope you love 'em, Jailers and Jailbirds.

They're called Strokes!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

THEY TAP OUT A RHYTHM

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

THEY TAP TO TUNE OF "I LIKE TO MOVE IT" BY REEL 2 REAL

Move it!

Move it!

TUNE CHANGES TO THEME FROM "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE"

THEY ALL STOP BUT ONE

HE TAPS OUT A QUIET DRUM ROLL

LAUGHTER

RHYTHM STARTS TO BUILD

TUNE BECOMES THEME FROM "ROCKY"

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There we are! Ohh!

Hey, well, different Strokes!

Strokes there - weren't they wonderful?

Do you know, I was wondering what happened to all the pipes

from the radiators in The Slammer. It's been freezing in here.

Ooh! But did they warm you up enough to go free?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Right!

Strokes - entertainment, sir,

or just blokes banging plumbing equipment about?

-I found it entertaining.

-In what way?

They made some good tunes with the pipes and metal.

Could you pick out some of those tunes for us, sir?

The 'Moving' thing from Madagascar.

-The 'Moving' thing from Madagascar?

-I Like to Move...thing.

Even I know that, sir. I Like To Move It, Move It?

-Yeah, that one.

-Do you like to Move It, sir?

-Not really.

-Right, well, let's move on then.

What did you think of Strokes, madam?

I've never seen anything like it before. It was really interesting.

-Could they have improved it in anyway?

-No.

-No.

Right, and for one final word, sum that act up for me, sir.

-Mind-blowing.

-That's two words, sir!

Stand up, say it with gusto, and I'll allow it.

-HE YELLS

-Mind-blowing!

Thank you! Mind-blowing, sir!

Well, Jailers and Jailbirds, that's what you thought of Strokes.

Will they be going free? You'll decide...

How's that monster act of yours coming on, Meadows?

Still as scary as a kitten on a cushion, hmmm?

Hmm, how would you like to double our little wager, Mr B?

TWO weeks of toothpick toilet hell, if she doesn't win.

And who says Christmas only comes once a year?!

Now, onto to the part of the show that we call Solitary Confinement!

Oh, no, Mummy, don't cut my hair like that.

Yes, Solitary Confinement,

where we let a performing prisoner - or prisoners - perform on the stage.

We can't let them go free, because they're really too terrible.

But we let them have a little go.

And if they do well, they get a treat.

Today's treat is they get a bottle of ginger beer.

-Isn't that nice, one each?

-Ooh!

-Nice and refreshing.

But, if they don't do well, well...

-they receive a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess?

-Sir!

What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's being chucked into a hessian sack

and fired into outer space under my command, sir!

Ooh, who'd like that? Not me, for starters.

-Well, first of all, we need a judge.

-Indeed, sir.

This young lady here looks like she'd be a rather good judge.

Would you like to step onto the stage, miss?

Round of applause for our judge for the day.

-APPLAUSE

-What is your name, please?

-Renee.

You won't walk away, Renee(?) Have you...?

-First of all, the wig.

-The wig of justice, sir.

And the thumb of fate. Hold your thumb up.

You'll be able to use that later - it's a good fit(!)

Yes, all right, let's get ready now for today's

Solitary Confinement act, and they're known as...

Pumping Iron!

BOOING

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I give you Pumping Iron,

the world's stinkiest strongman.

Extra strong!

The secret to his success is his diet.

He eats nothing but rotten eggs, baked beans

and pickled cabbage, making him...

PFFT!

PFFT...!

Extra strong!

PFFT!

BOOING

And for his final feat, I need a brave volunteer.

Madam, madam, madam, come and join me. Come and join me, please.

APPLAUSE

Step into the chuff wagon, madam.

Pumping Iron, take her away!

PFFT...!

Extra strong!

BOOING

Dear, oh dear. I don't know, Jailers and Jailbirds...

Phwoar! Are you all right, Jailers and Jailbirds?

Phwoar! They certainly created an atmosphere!

Yes, Pumping Iron there.

Well, they were our Solitary Confinement act,

but here is Renee, the judge,

ready to decide if they're going to get something nice

or something nasty.

Remember, thumbs up - a nice bottle of ginger beer.

Thumbs down - the final frontier.

Are you ready, judge? Hold your thumb up. In the middle position.

You've got five seconds to decide, up or down. What's it going to be?

Your time starts now.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...!

-Ooh!

-Make way!

-It's down, it's down!

-Off they go...

-Well done, miss.

-..for a cruel and unusual punishment.

-Hold on.

But I think our judge did very well.

And nobody goes away from Solitary Confinement empty-handed,

even though they wish they had.

You get something wonderful - it's a signed photo of your Governor.

And you can take that away

with a round of applause from the Jailers and Jailbirds!

Renee, walk away!

APPLAUSE

Five, four, three, two, one, zero...

Fire!

-Ah...!

-PFFT!

Well, I've never been so glad to see an act clear the stage.

Now on to our next performing prisoner act, Jailers and Jailbirds.

Wonderful, they are.

They're actually an act that do great things with basketballs.

Yes, they're serving six years in The Slammer

for dribbling in court, yeah.

All over the judge's head...

Yes, they got six years, but will they be going free?

Let's find out as you welcome Lords of Gravity!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, Jailers and Jailbirds, weren't they magnificent?

The Lords of Gravity! Give them a big round of applause there!

APPLAUSE

Fabulous. Eh, the old slam dunk.

Will they be slam-dunking out of The Slammer

or dunking their biscuits in The Slammer?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Lords of Gravity... I mean, some people would call that impressive.

-I don't, obviously, but would you?

-Yeah.

-How impressive?

-Very impressive.

-Right.

-Could you describe that act for me, sir?

-Superhuman.

-Superhuman?!

-Yeah, I thought it was amazing.

-Would you fancy having a go with that team?

-I'd love to.

-And for one final word, sum that act up for me.

-Amazing.

-Amazing?

-Any advance on amazing?

-Exciting?

-That'll do.

Exciting and amazing, sir.

Jailers and Jailbirds, that's what you thought of Lords of Gravity.

One more performing prisoner act to see.

Clarissa, when you came to The Slammer,

you were the least scary monster ever.

People laughed in your face, especially

-when your face was inside that really bad costume of yours.

-Hey!

-No, you're right, it is bad.

-But I believed in you.

I believe that you could embrace the fail.

I believed that you could realise what you truly were.

That you could stand up and say, "Hey! I am a great monster.

-"I am an entertaining monster. I am funny monster!"

-Yes, yes, yes!

Right, you're a funny, funny monster. Now, go!

Jailers and Jailbirds, make loads of screaming noise for Monster Mayhem!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oi, oi, oi! You're not going anywhere.

Get back on there and entertain these children.

Hi, everyone.

-AUDIENCE:

-Hi!

Let me here you roar!

Rarrr!

Ooh, that's scary. Are you sure you're human?

Yes, I am Monster Mayhem, the funniest monster experience

since Jaws went to the dentist.

Now, first of all, we need to get all nice and monstery.

Can you do better? Come on, I want your best monster impressions.

ROARING

Give me your scariest monster faces! Come on, give it some gurn!

Rarrrr! Hrrrrr!

Ooh!

That's very good, Mr Burgess. Really scary.

Hit it, boys!

MUSIC: "Tiger Feet" by Mud

Here's some of my favourite monster jokes.

Who took the giant octopus hostage?

A gang of squid-nappers.

LAUGHTER

What do you call the monster with no ears?

Anything you want - he can't here you.

LAUGHTER

And what did the short-sighted green ogre say

when he fell down the well?

Should've gone to Shrek-savers.

LAUGHTER

All right, everyone. Front row, I want to see those feet swinging.

# All right

# That's right, that's right That's right, that's right

# I really love your tiger light

# Well, that's neat, that's neat That's neat, that's neat

# I really love your tiger feet

# I really love your tiger feet

# Your tiger feet All right. #

Hey! What d'you call a diplodocus on a roller coaster?

A BIG diplodocus!

LAUGHTER

I know. And what did the little boy say when he was eaten by a dinosaur?

Hrnmhrnmhrm...

BURP!

LAUGHTER OK, everyone...

# That's right, that's right That's right, that's right

# I really love your tiger light

# Well, that's neat, that's neat That's neat, that's neat

# I really love your tiger feet

# I really love your tiger feet... #

One more time! # ..Your tiger feet

# All right! # Whoo!

There we are!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Monster mayhem, give her a big cheer, Jailers and Jailbirds.

-Monster Mayhem!

-CHEERING

Well, rather scary,

but did she do enough to scare her way out of The Slammer?

-Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

-Sir!

Well, Monster Mayhem there, miss, and was it mayhem?

I suppose so.

What was mayhem-ish about it?

The singing.

-Yeah, that really was mayhem.

-Was that your kind of act, madam?

-Yeah, it was monster-mazing.

-Was she scary, though?

She wasn't scary, but she was very funny.

Yeah, but monsters are supposed to be scary,

-not funny.

-Sum...

that rather dreadful appalling act up.

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish, sir!

HE CHUCKLES

Let's welcome them all back onto the stage.

CHEERING

Come on. Here they are marching out.

Steve Rawlings, Strokes...

Oh, they're all there.

Lords of Gravity.

And Monster Mayhem bringing up the rear.

Well, Jailers and Jailbirds, you will now decide who goes free.

You thought he was wonderful. It's Steve Rawlings!

CHEERING

You certainly did.

72.1 for Steve puts him into the lead, but, there again,

we've only seen one act so far.

Next, a very unusual act, using the piping and all the stuff.

I think they got it from The Slammer.

They made great music.

Will they make their way out of here? Let's hear it, please,

-for Strokes!

-CHEERING

And we're hitting the 70s today.

The Strokes doing well. And it's...

Ooh, look at that! Tied in the lead. 72.1.

It's like my Post Office savings account...

there's nothing in it.

Right, on now to the next performing prisoner act. They defied gravity.

Will they defy the odds and get out of here?

Let's hear your applause, Jailers and Jailbirds,

for Lords of Gravity!

LOUD CHEERING

Oh, boy! Well...

Oh, that's cleared the wax out of our earholes.

81.9 puts them clearly into the lead,

which means only one performing prisoner act

can get out of here now ahead of the Lords of Gravity.

Well, let's find out now as you make noise for Monster Mayhem!

CHEERING

Oh, that's 58.8.

I'm sorry to say, Monster, you're staying,

but, do you know what, that means the winners are going free -

with a score of 81.9, it's Lords of Gravity!

CHEERING

Go! Take them away! Oh, there we are.

That's the great news for Lords of Gravity,

but the bad news for the other performing prisoners

is you can stay and you can have your tea at The Slammer.

Oh, Mr Burgess.

I don't even want to know what you're having for tea,

-because I know what it's going to be.

-Look, sir,

to be fair, you're right. It is...sloppy, ploppy porridge.

-But it is nouvelle cuisine sloppy, ploppy porridge.

-Nouvelle cuisine?

-What's different about that?

-Well, it's the same, it's just less of it.

-Oh, get him out of here!

-Right, you lot, come on!

Go on, then, give them a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

And remember...my little performing prisoner appreciators,

if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-ALL:

-Don't do the crime!

And we'll see you again for more fun here on The Slammer.

Bye-bye, everybody. Give yourselves a big round of applause.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

All right, Meadows, I'm not a complete monster.

I don't expect you to clean the toilet with just one toothpick.

-Ah, thanks, Mr B.

-No.

So here's a spare one - a number two!

Ha-ha-ha.