Sylvester the Jester The Slammer

'Dear Mummykins, today proved that dreams really can come true...

GOVERNOR LAUGHS

'..but they can very quickly turn into nightmares.'

HE SCREAMS

But, along the way, we saw some acts that were truly out of this world!

It all started in my office...

ALARM BELL GOES OFF

# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit To try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer

# Leave The Slammer

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer! #

-HE MIMICS BURGESS:

-Sloppy ploppy porridge!

Sloppy ploppy porridge!

No, that's only one word, isn't it, sir?

Oh, only one word, sir, sir... Sloppy ploppy porridge!

DOOR OPENS

Have you ever heard of knocking?

-Yes, small town in Shropshire, sir.

-Thank you for that, Frank.

I confiscated this magic powder from Magnificent Marvo, sir.

Mr Burgess wants to keep it in the naughty cupboard,

but I think we should flush it down the loo.

-Oh, you must never do that with magic powder.

-Why's that?

We did it once, all the toilets came to life,

and bit everyone on the bum for a week.

Give it here!

-What's that sir?

-Nothing, nothing...

Um... Yeah, um...

Do you want a porky pie?

-Do you want a porky pie?

-HE SNIFFS LIKE A DOG

Have a little porky pie? Go for your porky pie!

Right, what's he got?

Did I just fall for that again?

-You did, sir, yes.

-Oh, dear...

Hey! Give me there! It's personal.

-Give me...

-Oh, this one's the best!

Who is it?

It's a cartoon character I invented -

Sylvester the Jester.

He's so life-like!

Life-like, do you think so?

BELL RINGS

Right, come on, Meadows! Let's lunch.

Life-like...

My cartoon character come to life.

Now, that would be a thing.

Whoa!

What's going on here?

You're real! You're really real!

GOVERNOR LAUGHS

Ooh...

They grow up so quickly these days.

Now then, High Rollaz, do you want sloppy ploppy porridge

or ploppy sloppy porridge?

-What's the difference?

-Nothing!

And here's yours, Bird-Whistling Wilbur.

And a bit of bird seed.

HE WHISTLES

(Twitter.)

I'll have a burger and some French fries,

burger and some French fries...

Burger and some French fries, please.

You'll have sloppy ploppy porridge like everybody else!

Yuck! That's the worst stuff I've ever tasted!

And I've tasted toe cheese. Bleurgh!

-Have we met before?

-You look familiar.

I get that a lot. David Beckham, Brad Pitt, Lady GaGa...

They're all close personal friends of mine.

Allow me to introduce myself -

Sylvester the Jester at your service.

Let's shake hands.

Where have I seen him before?

-(Sylvester the Jester...)

-Hang on, wasn't that...?

BOTH: The Governor's cartoon!

-Ah!

-Knocking, Frank! Knocking!

-Shropshire, sir! Shropshire!

What have you done, sir?!

You noticed my chrysanthemum arrangement?

I'm not talking about the flowers,

but about the living, breathing cartoon

you've unleashed upon The Slammer.

You said it yourself, Frank - he was so life-like.

I merely used a little Marvo's magic powder and poof!

There he was! A new addition to the happy Slammer family.

We'll hardly know he's here!

He's a little...unpredictable, sir.

Don't talk like that, Meadows! His ears will be burning!

Argh!

Isn't he great?

CONGA MUSIC

CRASH!

SMASH!

Aaaah!

I shall save you with my Insto-Mallet!

Observe!

No need to thank me!

"Won't even know he's here..."

He'll settle down.

Tap dancing on the taps, using his tongue as a tight rope

and playing ping pong, sir.

Well, that doesn't sound too bad.

With his eyeballs, sir.

Trick is to keep your eye on the ball. Or the ball on your eye.

Or have a ball with your eye.

Thank you, Sylvester.

-He has to go!

-I'll put him on the naughty step for a bit.

I don't think we've got a step big enough!

We'll talk about it later, it's almost time for The Freedom Show.

The Freedom Show, sir. There's an idea!

Why if he put him on Freedom Show and he won, sir?

No, Frank! I know your little ways, and it won't work this time.

The Freedom Show is for performing prisoners only

and Sylvester isn't a prisoner. He hasn't even done anything wrong.

Now, how do I look?

Diiiivine!

Thank you, Sylvester! It's Showtime!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please, welcome your host.

The man who put the inches into Da Vinci.

The Renny into Renoir and the botty into Botticelli...

It's the Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?

ALL: You're the Governor!

Hello, my jailers and jailbirds and you, my little poppet.

Hi, Daddy!

Wonderful to see you all, jailers and jailbirds

for another Freedom Show.

And what acts we've got for you,

performing prisoner appreciators.

We've got a giant soap bubble show.

Ooh, very bubbly!

ALL: Ooooh!

We've got a very mysterious act who does weird things

and juggles with lights called Vojta Stolbenko!

ALL: Ooooh!

And an act that will amaze you, we've got Bird...

HE WHISTLES

..Whistling Wilbur, yes.

ALL: Ooooh!

Jailers and jailbirds, they're wonderful.

Four of them being in The Slammer,

hoping to earn their freedom from you lot!

You will decide after seeing the incredible skating skills of...

the High Rollaz Skating Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

ALL: Ooooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, there they are, jailers and jailbirds, the High Rollaz...

-What an act! Hey, can I have a go?

-No, Sylvester.

The Freedom Show is for prisoners only.

But...I got a criminal record.

If I let you go in the Freedom Show, you might win

and then I'd have to release you and I'd never see you again.

-That's true.

-Now, sit down.

Carry on with the Freedom Show, Mr Burgess.

High Rollaz! But have they rolled the dice of showbiz fate

to get them out of here, sir?

Definitely, it was so good, it made me quack.

It made you quack, sir?

-Yeah.

-An act was so good it made you quack!

-Yeah.

Would you like to demonstrate the quack for us now, sir?

Quack!

LAUGHTER

That is an absolute first, sir,

we've never had an act on the Freedom Show

that's made anyone quack.

The High Rollaz, will they get a high score?

I think it was good when they were doing all the dancing,

but how they did it with the roller skates was skate-ilicious.

Skate-ilicious? Very good.

And for one final word, sum up that act for me, miss.

Supersonic.

Supersonic, sir!

Well, there's your views on the High Rollaz Skating Show.

Will they be going free? You'll decide later on.

On to our next performing prisoner, what an act.

He's a giant bubble act, yes,

and he's serving three years in The Slammer

for blowing bubbles in the local swimming pool,

and not using his mouth...

Jailers and jailbirds, will you welcome the Giant Soap Bubble Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

ALL: Oooh!

APPLAUSE

ALL: Oooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ALL: Wow!

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They are everywhere, aren't they? What an amazing act!

Did he blow you away...?

ALL: Yes!

..or did he burst your bubble? Let's find out with Mr Bubbly Burgess.

Right, miss, tell me specifically about that act.

I think it was full of fun and it's something I've never seen before.

I think he should go through.

Was that a very bubbly act, sir?

Yeah, I think that was bubble-tastic!

All of the mini bubbles were just amazing.

And for one final word...

Sum that act up for me...

..sir.

-Amazing.

-Right. Amazing, sir!

Well, there we are, your views on the Giant Soap Bubble Show.

Marvellous and...

Here. You really want a place on the Freedom Show?

Yeah, but you heard Poppa Bear, he said I can't.

But what if the show wasn't full?

You mean one of the contestants would kind of drop out?

I'm sure you've got something up your sleeve.

-Oh, yeah! I'm on it!

-Yes... Get on it.

We introduce the act called...Solitary Confinement!

No! Keep those weasels away!

Yes, Solitary Confinement, where we let the acts in The Slammer

who were too naughty and terrible to be allowed out.

We let them have a go, it's marvellous and they have a chance

to win something nice, a little treat.

And on this show, if they do well,

we're going to give them a bright, colourful bouncing ball.

ALL: Oooh!

But if they don't do well and they get the thumbs down,

they get a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess?

-Sir!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's being bound in hessian,

strapped into an elastic twang device

and shot off over a million miles in space, sir!

Well, somebody will decide

and that person will be our judge for the day, so who will it be?

This young lady here looks like she could make a good judge.

-Come this way, madam.

-Give her a round of applause, please.

APPLAUSE

-On you go, miss.

-Hello, miss, what's your name?

-Molly.

-Molly, lovely! What Molly needs, Mr Burgess,

-is the wig of justice.

-The wig of justice, sir.

Very nicely applied, Mr Burgess. It suits you.

Do you have the thumb of fate?

Nice clean one, you'll need that to decide later.

Is it thumbs up or thumbs down?

As we welcome the act on Solitary Confinement

and it's the Duelling Gurners!

Here we go! Come on! Oh, oh, dear!

BANJO MUSIC PLAYS

What do you think?

THEY SCREAM

Well, the Duelling Gurners, what a gruesome act.

A whole new meaning to the word face-ache, don't you think?

But you've got to decide now. Judge Molly, with the thumb of fate.

Hold that thumb up there.

Thumbs up, something colourful and bright.

Thumbs down, guest appearance on The Sky At Night.

Your time starts now!

Ooooh...

Is it a thumbs up or thumbs down?

Oh! It's thumbs down! Take them away!

Very well done, judge Molly, there we are.

You get something that no child would want to be without -

yes, a signed photograph of the Governor!

Let her have it, please, Officer Meadows, there we are.

And a big round of applause for being our judge!

Thank you very much indeed!

Start the procedure!

'Five, four, three, two, one, zero...'

Fire!

We won't be seeing them for a while. Mr Burgess, thank you very much!

-Thank you, sir!

-Carry on, on with the Freedom Show.

Yes, jailers and jailbirds, the next act,

this amazing thing with lights.

I can't really describe it to you. All I'll say is

he's serving four years in The Slammer for being light-fingered.

Will you please welcome the unique artistry

of Vojta Stolbenko!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

ALL: Oooh!

ALL: Oooh!

ALL: Oooh!

ALL: Oooh!

ALL: Oooh!

ALL: Oooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What an unusual act, jailers and jailbirds.

He worked at the local airport, you know, caused chaos, he did. Oh!

Planes going everywhere!

But will he be clear for take-off? Let's find out with Captain Burgess.

Well, genuine talent or just a bloke waving a torch around?

-He's very good.

-Why?

Because he's different and colourful.

Different and colourful. Do you think he's done enough to go free?

-Yes.

-I don't.

-What did you think of that act?

-I thought it was fabu-li-cious.

Fabu-li-cious, yes!

One final word, sum that act up, sir!

-Colourful.

-Colourful, sir!

Well, there you are, your views on Vojta Stolbenko.

Maybe he will be going free.

Bird-Whistling Wilbur, you're up next, aren't you?

HE WHISTLES

Yeah... That's for you.

For your finale...

You know birds, don't you?

HE WHISTLES

Here's one - duck!

LOUD BLAST

THEY SCREAM

Sylvester! What's happening?!

Ooopsie! I was helping Wilbur with his Dodo impersonation.

That's a crime against showbiz, sir,

which makes him an official prisoner.

And we're down an act, which means...

He can perform, sir.

Well, if that's what you wish...jailers and jailbirds,

please welcome the cartoon caperings

of Sylvester the Jester!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! What an attractive audience to...

Wait a minute!

HE SCREAMS

THEY LAUGH

Sylvester the Jester at your service!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you and today, I think I'm going to start off

with just a little bit of music!

HE FARTS

Oops, that wasn't it! He-he!

Actually, I play by ear.

Oh!

SCREECHING

I think...

STRINGS SCREECH

THEY LAUGH

HE PLAYS A TUNE

Is it hot in here or is it just me?

ALL: It's you!

I thought so!

SCREECHING

Back to normal!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh...oh, fire! I got fire over here, come on!

No big deal!

Oh, deep hat!

Now, what from the hat!

Gasoline, it's petrol, OK... Don't touch that with a ten-foot pole!

Wouldn't you know, it's a ten-foot pole!

Does anybody have a little water for me, hello?

Come on!

Aaah!

Oh, thanks a lot!

See you later, Sergeant Major!

Down the hatch!

THEY LAUGH

If you look very close, you see,

I'm just going to get whiskers, can you see them?

I'm going to make them disappear with this!

It's sticky paper for catching flies.

So all you've got to do is this - apply thusly to the affected area.

Oh!

HE SCREAMS

This is a rip off!

THEY LAUGH

Back to normal!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There he is, there he is!

I've never seen an act like Sylvester the Jester before.

Sensational! What was he a comic book hero?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Sylvester the Jester, cartoon fun or a pain in the bum?

I thought he was really good and hilarious.

What do you think of Sylvester the Jester?

I liked it when he looked through the binoculars

and the eyes came through the end of it.

So do you think we should let him go free or should we keep him here?

-Let him go free.

-Oh, I want to keep him, I love him. I created him.

If you love something, let it free.

If you love something, let it free. I'm feeling upset.

One final word. Sum that act up for me, please.

Fan-dabi-docious.

Fan-dabi-docious.

Well, jailers and jailbirds,

you've seen four fantastic performer prisoner acts.

Before we decide who's going free,

let's welcome them all back to the stage!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The High Rollaz, the Soap Bubble act,

Vojta Stolbenko

and Sylvester the Jester!

Wow!

Let's see what you thought of them now. First off, on those skates,

getting on their skates, it was the High Rollaz Skating Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, you certainly liked them - 78.7!

Very good! Great start!

Well, a very different act, a very clean act indeed.

It was the Giant Soap Bubble Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You liked him as well, he's got 77.3!

Which puts him just into second place.

Next, one of the most unusual acts we've seen here in The Slammer.

He lit up the stage, didn't he? He's Vojta Stolbenko!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You liked him.

Oh, we're all in the 70s, here on the Freedom Show.

Just 70.1.

That means he's staying with us.

Out in the lead, just on 78.7 is the High Rollaz.

Only one more act could possibly pip them at the post.

What did you think of a very late addition to the show?

It's Sylvester the Jester!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You did like him! He got 75.6, but it wasn't enough

because the winners of the Freedom Show, 78.7 and going free -

it's the High Rollaz!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're free to go!

Take them away! Give them a big hand there! Off they go,

give them a round of applause, jailers and jailbirds!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My little Sylvester stays with me! Oh, wonderful!

Oh, though we know what's for tea -

Mr Burgess' sloppy ploppy porridge, I presume.

Well, sir, the chef's guaranteed he's going to do world cuisine.

So he's doing Spanish paella,

pasta from Italy, and a curry from India.

And tonight, sir, he's starting off with Scotland.

-What's he doing?

-Sloppy ploppy porridge, sir.

Oh! Go on, give them a big cheer, jailers and jailbirds.

Off they go!

Well, they're going for their sloppy ploppy porridge.

It's time for our tea and we hope

you have something nice for your tea as well.

But in the meantime, from everyone here at The Slammer,

remember, if you can't sing dance or rhyme...

ALL: Don't do the crime!

And we'll see you again soon for more fun on The Freedom Show

in The Slammer! Bye-bye, jailers and jailbirds, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Oh, oh! Let go! Oh!

Nobody rubs me out! No!

I drew you, I can rub you out!

No, no, no!

We're going to need a bigger rubber, sir.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd