At Home with the Governor The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Mansions, palaces, manors,

castles, condos, wigwams.

Interesting homes belonging to interesting people.

It's time for another episode of...

Today, one of the biggest names in entertainment incarceration...

I'm delighted to have this opportunity to welcome you

to my modest abode.

Look at that.

Everyone's idea of the perfect dream home.

It's a pity it's not mine.

Still, I like to look at it every now and again.

Ooh, wonderful.

Hello, welcome to Chez Governaires.

Mrs Governor has gone away for away for a few days to see her sister.

Again.

Which leaves me on my own, but it doesn't matter,

because I'm entirely self-sufficient.

I do all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the ironing.

Anyway, what am I saying? Wasting time! Let's have a look around.

Come with me on my journey round my Absorbing Pad.

This way.

Hello, Mummykins! I'm home!

-HE CHUCKLES

-Mwah.

So, Governor, perhaps you could you could start by telling us

what an average day working at HMP Slammer is like.

An average day at The Slammer?!

Why, there's no such thing, lad.

No such thing.

And we have the footage to prove it.

TOILET FLUSHES

HE GROWLS

Ladies and gentlemen,

please do not attempt to copy any of the acts that you're about to see.

# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now

# Hot right now

# Turn it up right now

# Put your hands in the air if you want it right now

# Hot right now

# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now

# Hot right now

# Turn it up right now

# Put your hands in the air if you want it right now

# Eh-oh eh-oh hot right now

# Throw your hands up

# Throw your hands up

# Throw your hands up

# Throw your hands up

# You got the latest place it's on your radar

# By the time you show your face it's over

# Eh-oh eh-oh eh eh. #

-ALL:

-One...

two...

three!

Ahh...

Oh-oh-oh...

HE IMITATES ROBOT MOTOR

RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYS

Right, come along, and I'll show you around.

Yes, the guided tour. Walk this way.

Yes, yeah. I see what you're doing.

Very funny, you camera crew. You're all the same, aren't you?

All clever-pants, and, "I'll have a cappuccino."

Come on, concentrate. Onwards, this way.

-And what's behind this door, Governor?

-Er...

I'll tell you what's behind this door.

It's a roomful of never-you-mind! That's what. Now, come on!

Ah, the most important room in the house.

Picking up nicely, Frank.

Ahh, the kitchen.

They say an army marches on its stomach.

HE CHUCKLES

Well, it can certainly march on mine.

And what sort of diet keeps the Governor going?

Well, er, healthy, of course.

Your five a day, you've got your fruit and your vegetables.

Ooh, yeah, fibre, very important.

Lovely...

Er, but it's important to have the occasional tasty treat

just to keep your spirits up.

Ah, thank you, Frank.

Well...I need to keep my energy levels up.

Keep up with the acts.

ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

IRISH DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Check him out!

Hoh!

Hoh! Check me out, come on!

Yes! Yes!

Yah!

BOING!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

And here we have my personal, private cinema.

Somewhere where I can relax after a hard shift at The Slammer.

It's got all the luxuries and mod cons.

Padded seating...

-PHRRRT!

-Ooh...

Adjustable foot rest.

And look, it reclines!

-A private cinema for one, then.

-What?!

Ooh, not a bit of it. No, no, no.

There's room on these seats for three people.

Yeah, my old friend Frank and my new friend Holly.

And who are Frank and Holly?

Well, Officer Burgess and Officer Meadows, of course.

But they're not just prison staff, they're the best of friends.

Burgess.

It means "warrior".

Meadows. It means "more than one meadow".

Yes.

Come here, you clown!

-Hi, Mr Burgess.

-Do some work!

-CRASH!

-Nice to see you too.

THEY TAP "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"

Meadows, do some work! MOVE!

Thanks, Mr Burgess.

-Could this be an instrument?

-Ooh, let me have a look, Meadows.

Of course not, you idiot. It's for draining veg.

How about a little wager?

If Clarissa doesn't win the whole show,

then you can clean out the toilets for a week.

-Fine.

-Blindfolded.

-Fine.

-With a toothpick.

-Can I...

-SHAKE MY HAND!

Come on, Mr Burgess. We're on holiday!

Give us a smile.

UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER

All right, Meadows. I'm not a complete monster.

I don't expect you to clean the toilet with just one toothpick.

Oh, thanks, Mr B!

No. So here's a spare one.

A number two!

When I was a very young Governor, I used to astound everyone

with my humorous comedy act, with my little pal Magic Philip.

Would you like to meet Magic Philip?

Shall we shout for him? Magic Philip! Magic Philip!

"Oompa, oompa! Stick it up your jumper."

Ha-ha! There he is. Hello, Magic Philip.

It's nice to see you. Peternocchio sends his love?

That's nice. We like that. We're going to do our act now...

What do you mean? I'm not past it. Don't be cheeky! Naughty boy.

We're going to do some magic, aren't we? Yes.

We're going to make something disappear.

What will we make disappear?

My tummy?! We're not making my tummy disappear! Don't be cheeky.

Right. We're going to make this disappear, watch this.

Magic, ladies and gentlemen. He's going, he's going...

Have you gone? Yeah. Go on.

This is disappearing... Watch this disappear.

Here we go. Here we go.

Mmm-mmm-mmm...

It's gone! Abracadabra!

And that's magic.

Like this lot.

So, here we go. I'll cover my head with this...

OK, am I facing the right way?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

Brilliant. Would you please turn to the page in the book

of the token you've selected?

DRUM ROLL

Let me see... OK, I'm picking up... This is, oh, someone very famous.

-Ava...Ava Gardner? Is that right?

-No.

Oh. It's not Ava Gardner.

OK, let me try again. It's Sam... Samuel L Jackson, is it?

-Samuel L Jackson?

-No.

I'm a bit... I'm ever so sorry, this doesn't usually happen.

What... Who have you chosen?

-Spider-Man.

-I can't hear - can everyone shout that out, please?

-ALL:

-Spider-Man!

Spider-Man?

# Spider-Man, Spider-Man

# You'll find the Spider-Man! #

I see you have a nice shiny ring on your finger.

-Yeah.

-Does that come off?

-Yep.

-That's a very nice ring. Is it silver?

-Yes.

I'm going to take your ring

and place it in the middle of this paper tissue I have here.

I'm going to fold it once, twice, three, four times.

Can you feel it in there?

-Yep.

-Very good. You said it was real silver, right?

-Yeah.

Now, there's only one way to test if it is real silver or not,

and that is to take your ring...

and set it...

on fire.

If your ring is real silver, it'll vanish and disintegrate into the air.

CHEERING

Aaah! Aaah!

Here we go!

Woo!

-So, Governor, tell us...

-Ooh, no! Mind that pig!

-Governor?

-Oink, oink!

-Ooh!

-Governor!

Ugh...

Ooh, sorry.

I had the surround sound on.

What can I do you for?

Our viewers would love to know what you get up to in your spare time.

What you do at the weekends. After you get out of bed, of course.

Is that a trick question?

Well, obviously, I get up,

and I go and decide what I'm going to wear from my massive wardrobe.

Ahh. Oh, wow!

-Is that the famous show time suit? It looks...

-Divine.

I know.

15 yards of wipe-clean vinyl polyester

and a secret sweat-proof lining.

But I always say, "If you're surrounded by glitz and glamour,

"it pays to make the effort."

MUSIC: "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson

Ow!

OK, I'd like everybody to clear the area right now!

# Ow!

# Ow!

# Annie are you OK?

# Will you tell us that you're OK?

# There's a sign in the window

# That he struck you a crescendo Annie

# He came into your apartment

# And left bloodstains on the carpet

# Then you ran into the bedroom

# You were struck down

# It was your doom, Annie

# Ow! #

THEY PLAY "SOUL BOSSA NOVA"

FUNK MUSIC PLAYS

AUDIENCE CHEERS

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Well, lots of glitz and glamour there,

and speaking of glitz and glamour,

I bet your viewers would love to see my Olympic-sized swimming pool.

I bet my viewers would love to see what's behind this door.

Oi! Oi!

Never mind what's behind this door, Nosey Parker.

My deepest, darkest secrets are behind this door,

and you're not seeing them, right?!

Now, come on, let's have a look at my pool.

Oi! Oi!

Do I have to break open the sloppy, ploppy porridge?

Welcome to my private gym and swimming pool.

Er...

It's here where I try and work out...

try and work out what I'm doing here.

Every morning I throw open the windows,

take a few deep breaths, up, down, up, down,

then the other eyelid.

You do need to be fit to keep up with the prisoners.

Never mind them, it's the audiences you've got to keep up with.

Right, here we go.

HE GROANS AND STRAINS

That'll do.

-And for one final word, sum that act up for me.

-Amazing.

Any advance on amazing?

-Exciting?

-That'll do, exciting and amazing, sir.

Sum that act up for me, sir, in one, just the one, final word.

Very good.

That's two, sir.

And for one final word, sum that act up for me, miss.

-Confusing.

-Confusing, sir!

Sum that act up for me in one final word, miss.

-Extraordinary.

-Extraordinary, sir!

Right, and for one final word, sir.

Mind-bobbling.

Brilliant, sir, brilliant!

And for one final word, sum that act up for me, saaar!

-Tremendous.

-Tremendous, then, sir.

For one final word, sum that act up for me, sir.

-Mind-blowing.

-That's two words, sir.

Stand up, say it with gusto and I'll allow it. Top of your voice, sir!

-MIND-BLOWING!

-Thank you, MIND-BLOWING, SIR!

THEY SCREAM I don't know any more! I don't know!

Right, and for one final word, sum that act up.

-Fabulous.

-Fabulous, sir!

Now, then, sir, sum that act up for me

in one final word, wait for it...

-Now!

-Amusing.

Yeah, it was, really, wasn't it?

-For one final word, sum that act up for me, miss.

-Impressive.

Impressive, sir. Very good, very good.

-Right, miss, sum that act up for me in just one word.

-Fabulicious.

Fabulicious, sir!

Sum that act up for me, miss.

Er...

Yeah, that'll do.

"Er......!", sir.

For one final word, sum that act up for me, please.

Silly.

Silly.

Indeed, silly, sir.

Welcome to my extensive library. Yes, reading broadens the mind.

I love books.

I love books on fiction, books on non-fiction, I love books on....

on the world.

I love reading about the colourful characters.

Speaking of colourful characters,

we've had a few in The Slammer in the past...

PRRRT!

-In fact...

-PARP!

..why don't you just show a few?

I think I've got an attack of reading coming on.

PRRP!

Please do not attempt to copy any of the acts that you're about to see.

CIRCUS MUSIC, AUDIENCE SQUEALS

I know what you're thinking now.

"How can he be so cool?!"

MUSIC STOPS

Fine!

I'm stood here burning to death and you're all going,

"Oh, don't tell him!" That's very funny.

Here we go.

Woo-ee!

Big finish!

Yes!

FAST ELECTRONIC BEAT

AUDIENCE: Wow!

Down the hatch!

GLUGGING

LAUGHTER

If you look really close,

you see, I'm just starting to get whiskers! Can you see 'em?

I'm going to make 'em disappear with this.

BOING!

It's sticky paper for catching flies.

All you've got to do is apply thusly to the affected area. Ooh!

MUFFLED GRUNTING

-MUFFLED:

-This is a rip off!

LAUGHTER

Ooh, there's nothing like a good...chapter

to make you feel better

and speaking of the arts,

would you care to peruse my private art gallery?

-Well, it all depends.

-Ah, now, this is my favourite.

It was done for me by Leonardo Di Marvo in A Wing.

Oh, such attention to detail, so lifelike,

and yet every time I look at it,

I see something I've never seen before.

-What a piece of work.

-Thank you very much.

But when you've seen as many classy acts as I have,

you get an eye for beauty.

Please do not try this at home.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

AUDIENCE CHEERS

HIP HOP MUSIC

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

# You raise me up

# So I can stand on mountains

# You raise me up

# To walk on stormy seas

# I am strong

# When I am on your shoulders

# You raise me up

# To more than I can be. #

I've kept the very best till last.

-This place will surprise you!

-Really(?)

What is it this time? An indoor bowling alley?

Your personal yachting lake?

Your very own luxury ice cream parlour?

Oh, no, this is where I come to watch my clothes dry.

Oh, yes, I can sit here for hours, I can.

It's great family entertainment.

I just watch them going round and round and round and round

and sometimes it goes the other way, round and round and round.

Everybody should have a hobby.

Round and round and round.

Sometimes it makes your head spin.

Some of the acts on The Slammer make your head spin as well.

MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Giacomo Puccini

# One way or another

# I'm going to find you

# I'm going to get you, get you, get you, get you

# One day

# Maybe next week

# I'm going to meet you

# I'll meet you, I'll meet you

# One, two, three, four!

# Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na

# Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na

# I wanna hold you, wanna hold you tight

# Get teenage kicks right through the night. #

PARP!

PRRRRRRP!

HE GROANS

Extra strong!

PARP! PRRRT!

SQUELCH!

Oh, you might have warmed your hands!

-Ooh!

-Hat number one!

-See what else we can find.

-Hat number one?!

-How many hats are there?

-More than one.

-Oh...

SQUELCH!

Is that the ribcage?

Oh! That's my tonsils!

Wah! Christmas has come early!

MUSIC: "Dueling Banjos" by Arthur Smith

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Steve "Bad Tomatoes" Jackson.

I'm sure many of you are familiar with fire walking

and I'm sure you're all wondering

is it possible to walk across a row of bad tomatoes?

The answer is most definitely, "Yes!"

And I'm the man to prove it.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

AUDIENCE: Eww!

Well, there you have it. You've had the full guided tour.

My absorbing pad.

Is there anything else you'd like to see?

Well, actually, could you tell us

a little more about that over at the back there?

-WHISPERING:

-Right, come on, let's go. Quick!

-Oi! What are you doing?

-Come back here, you! Give me that.

-Let's get this lock off, come on.

Right, here we go.

-HE GROANS

-There we go.

Let's reveal Ted Governor's deepest, darkest secret.

-What the..?

-Oh!

This, if you must know,

is every performing prisoner that has ever won the Freedom Show.

I keep them written in here to remind me why I do my job.

Thanks to me and my small team, every single one of these acts

has been able to pay their debt to showbiz...

..and walk free from The Slammer.

# Well, it's one for the money

# Two for the show

# Three to get ready, now, go, cat, go

# But don't you step on my blue suede shoes

# Well, you can do anything, but lay off my blue suede shoes

# MUSIC: "PYT (Pretty Young Thing)" by Michael Jackson

# Get up out the dark

# Open up your eyes

# You'll discover there's a world outside

# There's a world outside

# To fix a broken heart

# You have to try

# Pick it up, pick it up

# It's a beautiful life

# Beautiful life... #

# MUSIC: "You're The Best Around" by Joe Esposito

CHEERING

I'm proud of them all and that's my deepest, darkest secret.

I'm a great, big softie at heart,

but don't you go telling them that at The Slammer.

Don't worry, Governor, your secret's safe between you, me

and the viewers at home.

Eh?! What you mean?! What you mean?! Hey! Come on! Come back here!

You're not going to The Slammer, you lot.

You come here! Give me that camera! Pack it in, you!

..privacy!

Go on, get out...

You with your hamster on a stick and you, cameraman,

with your time and a half and free biccies, get out of it! Clear off!

HARPISCHORD MUSIC

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd