Slammer Claus The Slammer

MR BURGESS: "Dear Mother, I hope you like the card I'm sending you this Christmas.

"You can use it to prop up a wobbly table or fashion it

"into an emergency sledge.

"Also, we had a very special Christmas surprise today -

"a festive Freedom Show featuring an host of mystery star guests.

"They made the audience punch the air..."

CHEERING "..stop and stare..."

CHEERING "..and dance like Fred Astaire."

CHEERING "I hate surprises."

Right! Listen up! These are the facts.

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

December the 24th! Anyone feeling Christmassy yet?

-No, sir.

-Well, I couldn't feel more Christmassy

if I turned into a big mince pie and poured cream on my cheeks.

Me too!

HE LAUGHS

Whoo! Should we open the count-down Christmas calendar?

Here we go. Your turn to do the honours, Frank.

I can hardly contain myself, sir, but I think I'll manage.

HE LAUGHS

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Smile, Mr Burgess!

Another Christmas memory we'll never forget.

Now, as it's Christmas Eve and all the Freedom Shows have been done for the year,

I think, as a special treat, everyone can go home.

ALARMS BLARE

-Once I've dealt with that emergency admission.

-Right!

Positions, Meadows. This is an emergency code red AND white.

-He came! I'm a magic fan!

-All right, calm down, Meadows. He's a fraud.

They all are.

-Fake Santas?

-Fantas. Yes. They were all caught in Operation White.

We had a police crackdown on fibbing Father Christmases.

-This lot might look cheery. ALL:

-Ho, ho, ho!

But not one of them is the real Santa.

-ALL:

-No, no, no!

So un-Christmassy!

BLOWS RASPBERRY

-SANTAS LAUGH

-You're right, Meadows.

They've all been very naughty and not at all nice,

but we can't let a few bad plums ruin the pudding.

Tomorrow's still Christmas.

-We're sorry, Governor.

-Ah, you see, Mr Burgess.

The power of Christmas goodwill...

LAUGHTER

-Certainly is powerful, sir.

-Right! Get this lot down in the cells.

Lock down the mince pies.

There's no way I'm going to let a few cheeky Fantas ruin my mood!

-ALL:

-Go, go, go!

SMASHING AND CRASHING

Oh! My bauble!

Mr Burgess! Meadows! Do something!

What do you mean there's no room in The Slammer?

The prison's full to bursting, sir. I've even had to stick one in the overflow.

-I just can't fit them all in, sir.

-There's no choice, sir.

We'll have to have an emergency Christmas Freedom Show.

On Christmas Eve?! We're supposed to be hanging our stockings out.

-No - there's only one thing for it. Mr Burgess?

-Ha!

-Open that cell.

Yes, sir.

Other side, sir.

Attention, inmate! GRUNTS

All right, Santa T Dog. It's the Governor.

-Who's the Governor?!

-BOTH: YOU'RE the Governor!

Oh, thanks very much.

-Now, get out of my office!

-Right you are. Hey! Hold on a minute!

-Yes?

That's enough of your funny business.

Too late - I think you've stepped in some of my business.

-Now, that IS funny.

-CYMBAL CRASHES

Now, listen here, Dog.

The Slammer's chock-full of fake Santas tonight,

-and we need you to share.

-Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

Where would I put all me presents?

-Ah, you bought all these to give to people for Christmas!

-No.

I bought them all for ME for Christmas!

# On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love... #

That's me. # Gave to me

# Five meat pastes

# Four meat paste logs

# Three meat paste pies # Two meat paste cakes

# And a meat paste dinner just for me. #

NOT YOU!

Well, it's not a very varied diet, I must say.

Gov, meat paste marzipan treat?

Oh, abort! Mr Burgess, abort!

Hang on a minute! Wait! You've not even tried the meat paste nog!

THEY RETCH AND GROAN

Don't worry, sir.

-The smell of my shoe should take away the meaty stench.

-Enough already!

Oh, Meadows, get four of these acts backstage. Defrost my best suit.

Christmas will have to wait. We are putting on a show.

Eugh.

-ALARM BLARES

-How do I look?

-BOTH: Divine, sir.

-Thank you very much.

In that case, it's show time.

Stop! Gov, what's up?

-Oh, all these pesky Santas have made me hate Christmas!

-No!

Don't worry, sir. You'll soon get used to it.

Right, I'm going to make today's show so Christmassy,

you can't help but get that tingle back.

In fact, today, it's snow time!

CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS

Oh!

-ANNOUNCER:

-Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer Christmas,

where you decide which fake Santa is to be released.

Now please welcome your host...

He's got a broad face and a little round belly

that shakes when he laughs, like sloppy, blobby jelly.

..it's the Governor!

CHEERING

IMITATES HORSE NEIGHING

Yo, ho, ho! Who's the Governor?

-AUDIENCE:

-You're the Governor!

Great to see you for a Christmassy Freedom Show

here in the Slammer, my jailers and jailbirds.

We've got four fabulous acts, but to tell you the truth,

I'm not feeling very Christmassy.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww.

I think I've lost me Christmas mojo. If only I knew what a mojo was.

But I'm hoping that our first act will cheer me up.

Now, remember, one of them is going to go free.

You're going to decide with the Clap-o-meter a bit later.

So, let's find out who is the first Christmas act here at the Slammer.

Officer Meadows?

-It's the Three Ks!

-Fantastic.

Well, singing for their freedom here on the Freedom Show,

from CBBC's Wolfblood, as you've never seen or heard them before -

all they want for Christmas is your applause - the Three Ks!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need

# I don't care about the presents

# Underneath the Christmas tree

# I just want you for my own

# More than you could ever know

# Make my wish come true

# All I want for Christmas

# Is you, yeah

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need

# And I don't care about the presents

# Underneath the Christmas tree

# I don't need to hang my stocking

# There upon the fireplace

# Santa Claus won't make me happy

# With a toy on Christmas day

# I just want you for my own

# More than you could ever know

# Make my wish come true

# All I want for Christmas

# Is you

# You, baby

# I won't ask for much this Christmas

# This is all I'm asking for

# I just want to see my baby

# Standing right outside my door

# Cos I just want you for my own

# More than you could ever know

# Make my wish come true

# All I want for Christmas

# Is you

# You, baby

# All I want for Christmas is you, baby

-# I, whoa

-# All I want for Christmas

-# Is you, baby

-# Whoa

-# All I want for Christmas

-# Oooh

# Is you, baby. #

CHEERING

Whoo!

The Three Ks there. Well, will they get their Christmas wish?

Let's find out from Mr Burgess.

Oh, the first set of fake Santas there, the Three Ks.

Miss, what did you make of them?

I thought it was just really, really good.

It was full of Christmas spirit and cheer, and it got everyone clapping.

Define "Christmas spirit" to me, miss.

Happiness, enjoyment, getting everyone into the mood.

No, these aren't ringing any bells for me at all.

What did you think of the Three Ks, sir?

I thought the Three Ks were a very good act.

Their choice of song was very good for this time of year.

Full of Christmas spirit.

And for a final word, sum that act up for me, Christmas Pudding.

-Fantastic.

-Fantastic. Ta!

Well, that was your opinion of the Three Ks.

Perhaps they'll be going free.

-Who knows?

-Uh, Gov?

-Oh, what is it, Meadows?

I've got a present here for you, to make you feel more Christmassy.

-Really?

-Actually, it's for Mr Burgess.

Let him have it, guys!

CHILDREN SHOUT

Oh! Pack it up! Pack it up! I don't like Christmas!

What you lot'll have for Christmas is a night in a cell here! Get off!

Well, I must admit, that has made me feel a little bit more Christmassy,

but I still need a bit more.

I need a bit more.

Maybe the next selection from our selection box will cheer me up.

Meadows, who's the next act?

-It's Akai!

-Marvellous!

Jailers and jailbirds, do you love the 4 O'Clock Club on CBBC?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Then you're going to love Akai!

CHEERING

# Eh, come here

# All I want for Christmas

# Let me talk to you for a minute

-# All I want, all I want, want

-# It's Princeton, Ray!

# Your presence is the only present that I really wanted

# It's priceless # Whatchu got on it?

# Uh, comin' over?

-# I got you something gorgeous

-# Gorgeous

# I've been saving up so I could afford it

# I kinda overdid it

# But I got Mistletoe wishes

# Cocoa goddess, marshmallow kisses

# Only thing been on my mind since Thanksgiving

# Is getting your permission # Are you with it?

# Kept close under the mistletoe

# And we watched the moonlit shadow in the snow

# And it was right then

# The boy knew for sure

# That I got exactly what I asked for

# Because all I want for Christmas is my girl

# All I want for Christmas, Christmas is my girl

-# And I know I see angels

-Angels

-# When I look in your eyes

-Eyes

# When I wake on Christmas Day

# You'll be my best surprise

# Uh, uh, listen, shawty

# It's wintertime Better button up

# Tryin' to keep warm Everybody coupled up

# Sittin' fireside Cocoa in the cup

# We just hanging like the fringe on your Mukluks

# Yeah, your presence here is a gift to me

# Let the past be a wrap

# Yeah, look, it's everybody already think we go together

# That's what I'mma tell 'em

# A'ight!

# All I want for Christmas is my girl

# All I want for Christmas, Christmas, is my girl

# All I want for Christmas is my girl

# All I want for Christmas, Christmas, is my girl. #

CHEERING

Whoa, Akai! Wonderful! Wow!

You liked it, didn't you, jailers and jailbirds? Akai, yeah.

He's going up to Scotland for New Year. They call it Hogmanay.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-They call him "Akai the noo!"

Ha-ha! Well, you liked him,

but will he be going home in time for some Christmas turkey?

Let's decide with Mr Burgess.

Was Akai smoothy and groovy enough for you, miss?

Yeah, I thought he was absolutely amazing.

-You were screaming away there on the front row earlier, weren't you?

-Yeah.

Yeah. GIGGLING

Tell us what you thought, madam, about Akai.

I loved it, and I liked how he did back flips, cos I can't even do them.

-Would you give him a score out of 10?

-100.

-100 out of 10?!

That's good math, that is, isn't it?

Man with antlers, final word. QUICK!

-NOW!

-FANTASTIC!

-THANK YOU! Fantastic, sir.

Well, there's your views on Akai.

Perhaps he'll be going free from the Slammer

this special Christmas show.

I'm still feeling a little bit un-Christmassy,

but maybe the next act will cheer me up.

I don't know, because they're a very strange act.

It's the act that we call Solitary Confinement!

HE MOANS

DISTANT SCREAMING

Oh, no! There's a hole in my Christmas stocking.

Yes, Solitary Confinement, where we let the acts that are too naughty,

too horrible, really, to mix with everybody else here in the Slammer,

but we let them perform.

If they do well, they get a little treat.

And today, the treat's going to be a nice bit of lace.

-A little doily made of lace.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh.

But if they don't do well, they get a cruel and unusual punishment.

-Mr Burgess?

-Ha!

What is today's Christmas cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's being put into a Santa's sack

and catapulted into outer space, sir.

Oooh, no-one wants to spend their Christmas hols like that, do they?

But we do need a judge. Mr Burgess?

Have we found somebody who looks like a suitable judge?

What about you, miss? You look like a...young lady

with a sensible judging head on your shoulders. Go and join the Governor.

Nice big round of applause, please, for our judge.

CHEERING

-Take that hat off.

-Take that one off, put the wig of justice on.

-Very good. There we are, Mr Burgess. What's your name?

-Lauren.

You're now Justice Lauren.

Hold up your thumb - you'll need that later, as we decide

whether they're going to get a treat or be blasted into space,

as we discover who our Solitary Confinement act...

Well, from Splatalot!, it's Thorne, the human snowman maker!

Come on. Here we go.

AUDIENCE BOOS

MUSIC: "Walking in the Air" by Celtic Woman

Here we go!

HE LAUGHS

Yes, that's it!

Lovely-jovely!

AUDIENCE BOOS

Oh, yes!

CHILDREN BOO LOUDLY

CHILDREN SQUEAL

Come on, then! What do you think, boys and girls? Eh?

AUDIENCE BOOS

Poor man. Poor officer.

Someone look after poor Officer Wiggins there. Look at that.

Well done, Officer Wiggins. Well, I don't know. What of that?

What of that? You're going to decide, though, now.

Are you ready to judge? Are you ready? OK.

Remember, you've got five seconds to decide. Get that thumb up there.

OK, hold it level. Thumbs up - nice bit of lace.

Thumbs down - Christmas in space.

What's it going to be? Your time starts now!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh.

Oh, it's down!

Take him away. There we are. And you don't go away empty-handed either.

You get something every person wants.

Yes, a signed picture of the Governor. And that's for you.

And a big round of applause as well for Lauren for being our judge!

Thank you! Merry Christmas!

Marvellous!

-SPACE CONTROL COMMANDER:

-Five, four, three, two, one, zero.

Fire!

Oh! Oh! Oooh!

-He's on his way to Neptune.

-Lovely, sir.

-Couldn't think of anywhere better to spend Christmas, sir.

-Ha-ha!

-Very good, Mr Burgess. Well done.

-Thank you, sir.

Now, back to the Freedom Christmas Show,

and our next performing prisoner.

I've almost got me mojo back!

I'm feeling quite Christmassy! Let's see if this act will do it for me.

Who is it, Meadows?

-It's Fergus Flanagan!

-Wow!

From CBBC's Help! My Supply Teacher Is Magic,

it's Fergus Flanagan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Boys and girls, are you ready to see some magic?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

Now, this year, Santa has challenged me

to escape from his Christmas grotto of gunge.

Now, I'm going to be chained to this table,

and I'm going to have 30 seconds to escape.

If I do not escape in time,

that horrible, gooey gunge will be poured all over me.

Now, I've also got an assistant. Nev the Bear!

Hey! Hello! Hey! Yeah!

Now, Nev is going to be in charge of the clock,

which you're going to see in a second,

which will tock down from 30 seconds.

-Tick-tock, tick-tock!

-Mr Burgess, could you assist me, please?

-All right.

-Mr Budgie. Hello, Mr Budgie!

-It's BURGESS.

-You know, Mr Budgie, kissy-kissy.

-You want chaining up, lad.

-Chain, please.

-Oh, not that tight!

-I'm frightened.

-I'll say how tight!

My favourite bit of the job.

That gunge does not look good from here.

-It really does not look good from here.

-Right.

As you can see, there's no way he's going anywhere.

WHIMPERS

-You ready, Mr Burgess?

-Aye! Make sure this is secure.

-Time - 30!

-SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

-Take the stairs away.

-Tick-tock! Tick-tock! Tick-tock!

Tick-tock! Tick-tock! Tick-tock! Tick-tock!

HE LAUGHS

Magic!

HE HUMS ALONG TO MUSIC

NEV AND AUDIENCE COUNT DOWN

SPLAT!

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SQUEAL

Uh-oh.

Merry Christmas!

Well done, Fergus! Love you!

Groovy!

Now, Santa may be very magical,

and Nev may be annoy...

Oh!

CHILDREN GASP AND LAUGH

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

All right, take it away.

There we are. Well, Fergus and his little friend there, marvellous.

Well, a magical act,

but will he be disappearing out of The Slammer this Christmas?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Well, they say everyone's a critic.

I thought it was absolutely spectacular.

I liked how he got out in 30 seconds and you couldn't see him anywhere.

But I liked how he came on and thought he'd got away with it,

and then he got, like, splattered.

-"He got, like, splattered."

-Yeah.

Tell me all about Fergus Flanagan's act in your opinion.

I thought his trick was outstanding. I thought it was gunge-tastic.

I especially liked when he got slimed in the end.

And for one final word, lady with the sparkly ears.

-POSHLY:

-Fabulous!

POSHLY: Fabulous, sir.

Well, Fergus, will he be going free? Who knows?

I'm feeling a bit jollier as well, a bit more Christmassy.

-Not quite yet, though.

-Uh, Governor?

-Oooh!

I've got a surprise cracker here for you and Mr Burgess.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Good heavens.

Where'd you get that from? Oh, thank you, Officer Chapman.

I'll take that. Oooh, very good. Thank you very much.

All right, then. Frank, ready - in three, two, one. Ready?

-ALL:

-Three! Two! One!

Pull!

Oh, hello. Oooh, look at that.

Oooh, it's a Christmas hat, there, boys and girls.

-Who wants a big Christmas hat?

-AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Me!

You can have that. What else have we got, Frank? Oh, it's a big pencil.

There you are. You can write me a nice Christmas letter.

Oh, look, and a Christmas joke. There we are. You read it out to me.

All right. "Where can Santa park?"

-"Anywhere that's sleigh-and-display."

-CYMBAL CRASHES

Hey, hey! "Sleigh-and-display." Get it?

Oh, dear, oh, dear. You take that joke. There you are.

You know, Mr Burgess, that's almost cheered me up, it has.

I tell you what - perhaps the final Christmas act

will really cheer me up.

Officer Meadows, who's our final performers on the Christmas Freedom Show?

-It's Jedward!

-Fantastic!

Jailers and jailbirds,

will you please welcome the two and only Jedward!

CHEERING

All right, guys. We want to wish you all a happy Christmas.

-You guys excited about Christmas? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

He's John and I'm Edward, and together we are...?

-AUDIENCE:

-Jedward!

This is Mistletoe.

PLAYS UPBEAT INTRO

# It's the most beautiful time of the year

# Lights fill the streets spreading so much cheer

# I should be playing in the winter snow

# But I'mma be under the mistletoe

# I don't want to miss out on the holiday

# But I can't stop staring at your face

# I should be playing in the winter snow

# But I'mma be under the mistletoe

# With you, shawty, with you

# With you, shawty, with you

# With you under the mistletoe

# Eh, love, eh, love

# The wise men followed a star

# The way I followed my heart

# And it led me to a miracle

# Eh, love

# Don't you buy me nothing

# Cos I am feeling one thing

# Your lips on my lips

# It's a merry, merry Christmas

# It's the most beautiful time of the year

# Lights fill the streets spreading so much cheer

# I should be playing in the winter snow

# But I'mma be under the mistletoe

# I don't want to miss out on the holiday

# But I can't stop staring at your face

# I should be playing in the winter snow

# But I'mma be under the mistletoe

# With you, shawty, with you

# With you

# Under the mistletoe. #

CHEERING

Give them a big cheer, there. Jedward!

My word! Well, Jedward here in The Slammer.

They want to be under the mistletoe.

Will they spend Christmas under the mistletoe

or under the steely stare of Mr Burgess?

Let's find out from the man himself.

Well, take the J, put it on the front of Edward,

and you get Jedward.

-You looked bored stiff throughout that.

-I really enjoyed it and...

-Could you let your face know next time?

-Yeah.

Tell us about Jedward's performance.

I thought they had great singing and the harmony was good that they sung.

Yeah? Can you tell which one is John and which one is Edward?

Um, not really. They look the same.

For one final word, sum that act up for me, miss.

-Awesome.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Oh, well. There you go. It's up to the public.

"Awesome", sir.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, it's time to decide who's going free for Christmas.

Let's welcome them all back on the stage, please.

Fergus Flanagan, the Three Ks, Akai and Jedward!

-CHEERING

-Whoa.

-Only one act can go free. We'll decide now with this.

-Now!

What? What's that?! Hang on a minute. What's that?

"Happy Christmas, Guv." Oh, isn't that wonderful?!

Give them a big cheer. That's a lovely thing. Oh, wonderful.

Do you know, that's made me feel so Christmassy.

I think not just one person should go free.

I think ALL the acts should go free,

don't you, jailers and jailbirds?

-CHEERING

-Yay!

You're all going to go free for Christmas!

But you know what, everybody?

-There's only one sad thing, Mr Burgess.

-What's that, sir?

They won't be having your tea. What will they be having?

-AUDIENCE:

-Sloppy, bloppy porridge!

-Ha-ha!

-Oh, no, sir!

-What?

I'd actually ordered a proper big turkey with all the trimmings -

chestnuts, stuffing, roast potatoes and all the veg, sir.

What? Really?!

Yeah, really. Chef! Stick it in the bin!

Oh, no. Doesn't matter.

It's still Christmas, everybody,

so all that remains is from all of the fabulous acts here

and everybody in The Slammer, may we wish you a...

ALL: Very merry Christmas!

Yay!

Whoo!

-Here we go.

-VINYL RECORD SCRATCHES

UPBEAT CHRISTMAS TUNE PLAYS

CHEERING

Merry Christmas, everybody! Bye-bye!

ZOOM!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

-Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!

-All right, Jedward.

We've told you - you're free. Now go on - push off home.

Go on! Back to your mother.

ALARM BLARES