Mumble & Son The Slammer

Dear sis, I hope you are well and got the chocolate eclair

I sent you for your birthday.

It was half eaten when I bought it - honest.

You should have seen the Freedom Show today.

We had acts to make your mind boggle...

LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

..acts to make your eyes pop...

LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

And I saved the day with my lightning fast fingers...

Here we go!

# You've been found guilty

# Of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Four in a row, sir. There you go, I win again.

Oh! You've really got the hang of this, haven't you, Frank?

That's 502 to me and none to you, sir.

-Best of 1007?

-Yeah, go on, then.

I preferred it when we played two in a row. Much simpler.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, wait a minute.

HMP Slammer, Governor speaking.

Ooh, thank you very much!

-Great news, Frank!

-You've been fired, sir!

No, I've not been fired.

My favourite band, Mumford & Sons, are coming to stay at The Slammer.

The Mumford & Sons, sir? Britain's top folk band? Are you sure?

Yes, they've just been arrested,

live on stage for snapping their G string.

-Come on, we've got to give them a proper folksy welcome.

-Right, sir.

Finger in ear and droning all the way.

# Diddly-di di-do... #

I'm not altogether sure about this, you know, sir.

Nonsense, Frank. They're folk heroes!

We need to make them feel welcome.

But itchy jumpers, sir, and false beards!

I mean, really, really, sir!

How do you think I feel?

Will you two stop complaining?!

Look, they're really here! Oh, it's Mumford & Sons!

Hang on, I thought Mumford & Sons were a lot younger than that!

They are! You're not Mumford & Sons.

We were promised Mumford & Sons!

No, no, no! We're not Mumford & Sons,

we're Mumble & Son!

Why are you called that?

MAN MUMBLES

OTHER MAN LAUGHS

Exactly. I'm Mickey Mumble and this is my dad, Martin Mumble.

Your dad? You both look the same age to me.

I've had a very hard life.

I'm not surprised, with him as your father.

Sir, you seriously can't want these two to close the Freedom Show.

-They might not be that bad!

-Meadows is right.

Let's at least give them a chance, Frank. Come on, hit it.

THEY SING MUMBLED LYRICS

Hey, and that is our greatest hit!

Meadows was right, sir. They're not bad.

They're flaming terrible!

Oh, this takes me back.

What to? A bee attack?

No, sir, family holidays in Wales!

I think I'll take my chances with the bees.

What are you doing, Meadows? What are you doing?

All right, all right! Cut, cut, cut!

We can't let these two on the Freedom Show,

they wouldn't even make solitary confinement.

Oh, they just need to practise, sir.

They'll be toppermost of the poppermost by the Freedom Show,

or my name's not Honey Meadows!

-But your name is Honey Meadows, right?

-Yes, of course.

Just checking. All right, but on your head be it, Meadows!

Woo-hoo!

THEY SING LOUDLY

Shut up!

MUMBLE & SON PLAY MUSIC

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Right, Martin, let's start by helping you get your words out.

Repeat after me.

How now, brown cow?

HE MUMBLES

Right. Let's try this one.

Two tired toads try to trot to Tewkesbury.

HE MUMBLES

MICKEY LAUGHS

Close.

THEY PLAY MUSIC WITH MUMBLED LYRICS

How are you getting on?

HE MUMBLES

He says, "Much better, thank you!"

Can't you hear the improvement?

BOTH: No!

THEY PLAY MUSIC AND MUMBLE LYRICS

Stop it! Desist! Belt up with that banjo!

HE MUMBLES

-He says...

-I don't care what he says! Mr Burgess?

BURGESS CAWS

-We need a new act for the Freedom Show.

-Right, sir!

You two come with me.

-Not you two! You two!

-Right, sir.

If we let that disastrous duo perform, the audience will riot.

Even you can play the banjo better than that, Frank.

-I've never played the banjo before in my life, sir!

-Exactly.

But sir, if we don't let them play, we'll be

an act short for the Freedom Show.

I just need more time, sir.

By the time you call them onto stage,

I'll have them knocked into shape. You have my word.

Hmm, I'd rather you knocked them into the canal,

but we haven't got much choice. All right, you've got

until the final act to get that band in tune and on time.

-How do I look?

-BOTH: Divine, sir.

Thank you very much. It's show time! Oh, yes!

MAN MUMBLES INTRODUCTION

CHEERING

Hello!

Who's the Governor?

AUDIENCE: You're the Governor!

Oh, welcome, jailers and jailbirds, to another Freedom Show,

where we've got three fantastic performing prisoner acts

and another one.

THEY PLAY OUT OF TUNE FOLK MUSIC

HE MUMBLES LYRICS

Jailers and jailbirds, it's great to have you here.

Let's crack on now with our first performing prisoner act.

A wonderful act, and, like all of the acts

that come on The Slammer, don't try it at home, will you?

These are professionals.

He's a professional doing five years, or could it be more?

Let's welcome Fluteman Gabor!

CHEERING

HE PLAYS TUNE

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Uh!

AUDIENCE: Urgh!

HE PLAYS TUNE

CHEERING

HE PLAYS NOTE

LAUGHTER

HE PLAYS NOTE

HE PLAYS NOTE

HE PLAYS TWO NOTES TOGETHER

LAUGHTER

HE PLAYS TUNE

CHEERING

Ah!

AUDIENCE: Urgh!

HE PLAYS SHARP NOTES

HE PLAYS HARMONY

CHEERING

HE PLAYS "EINE KLEINE NACHTMUSIK - ALLEGRO" BY MOZART

CHEERING

CHEERING

HE PLAYS TUNE

HE PLAYS HIGH NOTE

HE PLAYS HIGH NOTE

HE PLAYS HIGH NOTE

LAUGHTER

HE PLAYS "ODE TO JOY"

CHEERING

CHEERING

Fluteman Gabor there, marvellous!

Hey, and, jailers and jailbirds, don't let me

catch you putting recorders... or sticking a recorder up your nose!

You'll end up playing Colonel Bogey! Urgh!

AUDIENCE: Urgh!

But, what did you think of Fluteman Gabor?

Let's find out with a man who likes to tell everyone to pipe down,

Mr Burgess.

Right then, Miss. Fluteman Gabor.

I thought it was amazing and mind-blowing,

because I've never seen anything like it.

You're a quick talker, aren't you?

Your views, Madam, on Fluteman Gabor?

I thought he was amazingly epic.

One final word. Sum that act up for me, sir.

-Weird.

-Weird.

-A cool weird.

-A cool...

Weird. A sort of cool weird, sir.

LAUGHTER

Fluteman Gabor, will he be going free? You'll decide.

THEY PLAY FOLK MUSIC

THEY MUMBLE LYRICS

# A long time ago... #

Not bad, actually.

HE BURPS

Cheese and pickle.

Serving 12 years in The Slammer for legging it

from the scene of a crime.

You'll see why, when you welcome,

jailers and jailbirds, Rhythmic Glow!

CHEERING

# Yellow diamonds in the light

# Now we're standing side by side

# As your shadow crosses mine

# What it takes to come alive

# It's the way I'm feeling

# I just can't deny

# But I've got to let it go

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# Yellow diamonds in the light

# Now we're standing side by side

# As your shadow crosses mine

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place. #

CHEERING

Come on! Whoa!

Sensational act, there. Rhythmic Glow!

Well, are they going to stay or are they going to go?

Let's find out with Mr Legs Burgess.

Right, Rhythmic Glow. Legs 11! Old bingo expression there.

What about you, sir?

I think they were really good, because they moved their feet

faster than Cristiano Ronaldo, the football player.

Tell us all about Rhythmic Glow.

I think it was outstanding and I really liked how they danced

and I liked the song. I think it was amazing.

So, for one final word, sum Rhythmic Glow up for me. Miss.

-Exquisite.

-Exquisite, sir!

Lovely, ma'am.

Now, my performing felon fans, the act you love to hate,

Solitary Confinement!

AUDIENCE BOOS

Yes, a chance for a performing prisoner to have a go.

If they do well, we give them a little treat.

We can't let them go, they're far too naughty.

And, if they don't do well, if they get the thumbs down,

it's a cruel and unusual punishment.

Well, today's treat is a nice photograph of the

Great Pyramid in Egypt called the Pyramid at Cheops.

Yeah, the Great Pyramid of Cheops. A wonderful thing, very historical.

And, if they don't do well, Mr Burgess?

-Sir!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's the old sack and porridge routine, sir!

Oh, the old sack and porridge! Nobody wants that!

I do, I do! We need a judge, though, Mr Burgess.

We do indeed, sir. Got my eye on this young man here.

-Do you want to come and judge for us, sir?

-Yes.

-Right, up you come.

Give him a round of applause, please!

CHEERING

-Your name?

-Roman.

-Roman! Marvellous.

-The wig of justice there.

-The wig of justice, Mr Burgess.

You will decide, Roman, after we have seen today's

Solitary Confinement act called Bad Clarinet!

Right...

AUDIENCE BOOS

AUDIENCE BOOS

SHE PLAYS TUNE ON CLARINET

AUDIENCE BOOS

AUDIENCE BOOS

Stop it, stop it. There we are.

Go on, there we are.

All right, well, there we are.

That's what you call a solitary confinement act.

Now it's time for Judge Roman to decide.

Remember, thumbs up, it's a photo of the pyramid at Cheops.

Thumbs down, it's the sack and the plop, plop, plops.

Ready? Your time starts now.

Is it up or down? Ooooh....

AUDIENCE: Oooh...

Oh!

Your act was weak and sloppy so, for you, it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, ploppy!

Yeah! Come on!

-AUDIENCE:

-Sloppy ploppy! Sloppy ploppy! Sloppy ploppy!

Sloppy ploppy! Sloppy ploppy!

Sir, sir...

Sir, sir! Pull yourself together, sir!

Sorry, there we are.

Take her away to the cells and solitary confinement!

Ha ha ha!

AUDIENCE BOOS

And give a big hand to our judge, Mr Judge Roman, please! Thank you.

CHEERING

-Mr Burgess.

-Sir!

-Continue with the Freedom Show.

-Sir!

Oh, marvellous.

There's nothing like a bit of a sloppy ploppy porridge

in a Freedom Show to get you going! I love it!

Right, so we've got the accordion and we've got the banjo.

Now, we've just got to try the singing. What about...

# Hadn't have been for Cotton-eyed Joe

# I'd been married a long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from, Cotton-eyed Joe?

HE MUMBLES TO TUNE

He said...

I know what he said, Mickey! But nobody else will!

On now to our next performing prisoner act. Very, very unusual.

The long and the short of it,

serving seven and a half years in The Slammer

for pulling strings in high places,

it is the act known as Marionette!

CHEERING

Hello, hey!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "PINOCCHIO" BY PIN-OCCHIO

# Pinocchio... #

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

CHEERING

# Pinocchio

# Pinocchio... #

LAUGHTER

Hey! Ya! Ya! Woo!

Woo! Woo!

CHEERING

# Pinocchio

# Pinocchio... #

SNIPPING

# Pinocchio... #

CHEERING

There they are! Come on! Wow!

Let's hear it for the fantastic act, the Marionette,

ladies and gentlemen, jailers and jailbirds!

CHEERING

Wow, Marionette!

I've never seen a puppet act like that before, have you?

You couldn't see the strings, could you?

Hey, what did you think about it?

Let's find out from the man

who pulls all the strings in the Slammer, Mr Burgess.

-Thoughts?

-It's him.

What do you mean, it's him? I'm asking you.

-Oh!

-Don't look so panicked.

Come on, hurry up! Right, thoughts?

I thought it was funny, because when the tall man was

pulling the puppet around, he went everywhere.

-Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

-Both.

Well, the long and the short of it there with the Marionette act.

What did you think?

Well, it looked really cool, like all the jumps

and it looked really flexible.

And, for one final word, sum Marionette up for me, Miss.

Epic!

Yeah, epic, sir.

Well, your views on Marionette.

He could be going free with his little pal.

He could step over the walls, couldn't he? Ha!

Mr Burgess, could you go and see if the final act are ready yet, please?

-Certainly, sir.

-Thank you very much.

Yes, on to our final performing prisoner act, jailers and jailbirds.

# Cotton-eyed Joe... #

Right, come on, you lot, let's be having you!

But it's no use, Mr Burgess.

We've got the accordion and the banjo in tune,

but I still can't make out their mumbles when they sing!

Hey, why don't you sing, Miss Meadows?

I don't know about that!

Sounds like a good idea. Get moving! Off you go, go on!

Right, quick march! Move, move!

-So, jailers and jailbirds, it is time for your final act.

-Sir?

-Yes.

-Excuse me, sir!

-Yes?

-Sorry.

HE WHISPERS

-Really?

-Yes, sir.

-Carry on.

-Thank you, sir.

Jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome,

for one show only, Meadows, Mumble & Son!

CHEERING

MUSIC PLAYS

# If it hadn't had been for Cotton-eyed Joe

# I'd been married a long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from, Cotton-eyed Joe?

# Hadn't had been for Cotton-eyed Joe

# I'd been married a long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from, Cotton-eyed Joe?

Wooo!

# He came to town like a midwinter storm

# He rode through the fields, so handsome and strong

# His eyes was his tools and his smile was his gun

# But all he had come for was having some fun

# If it hadn't had been for Cotton-eyed Joe

# I'd been married a long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

Where did you come from, Cotton-eyed Joe?

# If it hadn't had been for Cotton-eyed Joe

# I'd been married a long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from, Cotton-eyed Joe? #

Woo!

Hey!

Woo!

Oh!

Hey!

# He brought disaster wherever he went

# The hearts of the girls was to hell broken sent

# They all ran away so nobody would know

# And left only men cos of Cotton-eyed Joe

# Oh

# If it hadn't been for Cotton-eyed Joe

# I'd been married a long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from, Cotton-eyed Joe?

# If it hadn't been for Cotton-eyed Joe

# I'd been married a long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from, Cotton-eyed Joe? #

BANJO PLAYS

Woo!

Here we go!

# If it hadn't had been for Cotton-eyed Joe

# I'd been married a long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from, Cotton-eyed Joe?

# If it hadn't been for Cotton-eyed Joe

# I'd been married a long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from, Cotton-eyed Joe? #

CHEERING

Come on, let's hear it for Meadows, Mumble & Son!

CHEERING

Well, will they be going free?

Let's find out with Cotton-eye Frank Burgess! Yee-ha!

-Yee-ha.

-I think it was very good.

They let a good sing-off and I think they should get free.

-"They let a good sing-off"?

-Yeah.

What does that mean, exactly?

I don't know.

Well, why are you saying it, sir?

-I don't know.

-Have you got no control over your mind, sir?

I don't know.

LAUGHTER

-What do you know?

-I don't know.

A score out of ten, please.

-Can I go beyond ten?

-Yes.

-100.

-Wow!

One final word for Meadows, Mumble & Son. Miss?

Energetic.

Yeah. Fair dos. Energetic, sir.

Time to decide who goes free now, jailers and jailbirds.

With Officer Meadows looking like she needs a shave there,

let's welcome all the acts back onto the stage, please!

Fluteman Gabor!

Rhythmic Glow!

Marionette!

And Mumble & Son! With Meadows, of course.

You will decide who goes free.

The more noise you make, the higher the score.

What did you think of a sensational act with more

recorders than I've had hot dinners?

Not strictly true.

Will you welcome Fluteman Gabor!

CHEERING

Come on. Come on.

Good score for Fluteman Gabor.

76. Well, I've never seen an act like this lot before.

They kept us all aglow. Will they be going?

Please welcome Rhythmic Glow!

CHEERING

Come on. Wow!

There they are. More like legs 11 there.

Look at that, 87.7. Never mind 11.

Next act, another crazy act.

Marionette is an old word for a puppet.

I've never seen a puppet act like this before. Marionette!

CHEERING

Oh!

Oh, just 76.5.

They're in second place.

Still in the lead, it's Rhythmic Glow.

Can they be knocked from their perch by this act?

Helped with Officer Meadows, it was Meadows, Mumble & Son!

CHEERING

Oh!

I don't believe it!

I don't believe it!

Oh, with a sensational score,

going free, 94.9,

it's Mumble & Son with Meadows!

CHEERING

Go on. You're free to go.

Give them a big cheer. They're free to go!

CHEERING

Well, jailers and jailbirds, it means that the others,

you're staying for tea.

Yeah. And you know what we have for tea, don't we, eh?

-AUDIENCE:

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge!

Mr Burgess, I do not want to hear you say that for tea

it's sloppy, ploppy porridge.

-What? You don't want to hear it.

-I don't want to hear it!

Right, well, stick your fingers in your ears, sir.

-What's for tea?

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge!

-I can't hear you.

-Excellent, job done.

Right, you lot, off you go.

Give a big cheer. Go on, off you go.

Go on.

Marionette, Rhythmic Glow and, of course,

Fluteman Gabor going back to their cells and enjoying tea.

Hope you've enjoyed the Freedom Show, jailers and jailbirds.

Just one thing. Remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-AUDIENCE:

-Don't do the crime!

And come and see us again soon

here in The Slammer for more fun on the Freedom Show!

Bye-bye, jailers and jailbirds! Bye-bye!

CHEERING

# It's the only way to ever leave The Slammer! #