Bad Burgess The Slammer

Hi, Mum! I'm in the most tre-mazing mood today. Look!

CAMERA PHONE SNAPS

The Freedom Show was...totally sick!

It took the mick...

..and had the weirdest person pulling a trick!

Woof! Woof! Woof!

I've got just enough credit to tell you from the start...

-PHONE BEEPS

-Oh! Call me back! Call me back!

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So, welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel

# Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So, go and fetch the audience

# Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands

# So, make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave

# The Slammer! #

So, by numbering every sheet of lavatory paper in The Slammer,

I have been able to track usage on a wipe-by-wipe basis.

And I think you'll agree, the results are quite surprising, sir.

Especially after the baked-bean curry night. Very nasty.

Mr B! This is the most boring thing ever!

-That's very kind of you to say so, Miss Meadows.

-Guv, please!

I've been sitting here so long, my bum's turned into a fossil!

Frank, we really should call it a day.

Which is exactly how long this has taken!

Plus, the Freedom Show acts are ready to rehearse.

-The Brussels sprout stir-fry...

-Out!

-Out! And close the door behind you.

-Right, sir.

Wipe-by-wipe basis... Ugh!

-Excuse me, sir?

-Yes, Mr Boring... I mean Burgess, what is it now?

-I've got a private message for you, sir.

-Ooh, private message?

Yes, sir.

-What is it?

-The private message is this, sir.

You've been Burgessed.

B-B-B-Bad Burgess!

Did he just...?

I'll file these under Slop Secret!

Oh, yes! That feels bad!

All right, hold it, Rick!

Frank... I was wondering how long it would take

before you tracked me down.

I just followed your trail of hilarious fake dog poo.

What fake dog poo?

How did you get in here, anyway?

It helps to be the Senior Prison Officer's identical twin.

Come on, Frank!

You have the brains, and I've got the charm, the wit,

the success, and all the Friendbook friends.

So, that's what this is about, is it?

You rejected my request to be a friend, Frank.

Do you know how embarrassing that is?!

Happens to me all the time.

Exactly! And now you're going to have to pay the price.

All right...

£3.72 enough?

Oh, I don't want money, Frank.

I want revenge!

BANGING ON DOOR

-Let me out!

-So long, bruv.

-Somebody!

-Get me out of here!

-Mr Burgess is going rogue.

So, tell me, inmate,

how come you're completely soaking wet?

But I'm not soaking wet.

Oh, yeah. That felt so bad, it feels good!

B-B-B-Bad Burgess.

Mr Burgess, what are you doing?!

I'm spreading yoghurt all over the computer.

-Why?!

-I've already done the house plants.

Don't worry, though, sir,

I've got enough yoghurt here to do your shoes.

FRAAAAANK!

This...is your final warning!

Oh, is it, sir? Oh, that's a coincidence.

It matches all the other envelopes I've got here, sir.

WAHEY!

Ugh...!

-BANGING ON DOOR

-Let me out! Somebody!

I haven't got time to fire you right now, Frank.

Aw, go on, sir, please!

But I will, I promise, as soon as the Freedom Show's over.

-How do I look?

-Petrified, sir.

Thank you. It's show time!

Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to HMP Slammer, where...

Get out of it! I'm bad boy Mr Burgess!

And I've taken over the microphooooone!

HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

Oh, yeah! And by the way, here's the Governor!

Who's the Governor?

ALL: You're the Governor!

Oh, jailers and jailbirds, it's fantastic to see you

for another Freedom Show here at The Slammer.

And you'll decide who goes free.

And absolutely NOBODY is going to break the code of conduct.

Isn't that right, Frank?

Eh?

-Frank! Oh, pay attention, please!

-Whatever!

Now, on to the show.

Jailers and jailbirds, your first act is sensational -

very funny, with magic.

He uses hi-tech magic - CDs, personal computers, PCs...

Jailers and jailbirds, it's Jordan Gomez!

ELECTRO MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC SKIPS

MERGES INTO NEW SONG

SONG CHANGES

FASTER TECHNO MUSIC

ADDS DRUMS TO TECHNO SONG

ADDS MORE DRUMS

Jordan Gomez there, jailers and jailbirds!

Jordan Gomez doing amazing things with CDs.

But at the end of the day, will we have to call in the CID?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Well, then, what a feeling...

MUSIC: "What a feeling" by Irene Cara

# Being's believing

# I can have it all

# Now I'm dancing for my life... #

-Cut, cut, cut! Mr Burgess!

-What?!

Right, this is your final, final, FINAL warning.

-Now, ask the questions nicely.

-All right, all right.

What do you make of that?

-Banana! Banana, sir!

-Not a banana! With a microphone!

Oh, all right. If you want to be sensible. Have a banana.

Right, what do you make of that, then?

-I like the bit where...

-Yeah, you like the bit. You like the bit.

Yeah, go on. Go on, you like the bit. Which bit? Go on, say it quick!

-Which bit do you like?

-When the thing popped out the bag.

The thing popping out of the bag?!

-What did you think of Jordan Gomez?

-It was outstanding.

The way he got the CDs out of his bag, and he had quick hands.

Quick hands. Very important if you're a magician, quick hands. Yes.

Right, sum that act up for me in one final... FACE! FACE!

Sir.

Right, jailers and jailbirds, that was your views on Jordan Gomez.

Next, a very young man from the young-offenders section of The Slammer.

Just 12 years of age, this young man. He writes his own songs.

He's doing 18 months in The Slammer

for basking when he should have been busking.

Will you please welcome Ned The Kids Dylan!

One, two, three, four!

MUSIC: "Helpless Town" by Ned The Kids Dylan

HE SINGS SCAT-STYLE

# You said to your ex, "Let's go"

# But that was 15 years ago

# And they told me to put them down

# In the end

# In this helpless town

# Helpless

# Helpless, you broke down

# Ow

# Helpless

# Helpless, you've been down... #

Wow! Ned The Kids Dylan, just 12 years of age!

Mr Burgess has got socks as old as that.

What a brilliant performance. Did you enjoy it?

Let's find out with that Mr Burgess.

# Oh, what a glorious thing to be

# A healthy grown-up busy, busy bee. #

-Ah, well, he was really amaz...

-Bzz. What?

-He was really good on the guitar...

-Bzz.

-Bzz. Go on, carry on. Bzz.

-He was really gobsmacking.

-What did you think of Ned?

-I think he was amazing.

I think he should be let free

because his voice was incredible, and I loved it.

As soon as he came on, I thought he was fantastic,

and I knew he was going to be really good.

Seriously, for one final laugh,

sum that act up for me in one final laugh!

SHE LAUGHS

Sir.

Marvellous stuff. Remember, folks,

we've still got two more fantastic performing prisoner acts to come.

-MIMICKING GOVERNOR:

-"We've still got two more fantastic prisoner acts to come."

-Mr Burgess?!

-"Mr Burgess?!"

-What are you doing?

-"What are you doing?!"

-Will you stop that?

-"Will you stop that?!"

-Stop repeating me!

-"Stop repeating me!"

-Frank!

-"Frank!"

-Agh!

-"Agh!"

-Right, this is absolute final, final warning, Mr Burgess!

-Oh!

Final warning! Kindly leave the stage. Go on, get off! Get off!

I'm going, sir!

I don't know what's come over him today, jailers and jailbirds.

Solitary confinement!

Miss Meadows, will you please join me and help me?

-As Mr Burgess has gone completely off his nut.

-Of course.

Thank you. It's solitary confinement, and we need somebody to be the judge.

Who do you think, Miss Meadows?

-Um...

-Somebody of discernment and wisdom.

-This young lady here?

Oh, yes, give her a round of applause. She looks very wise.

-What's your name?

-Nairobi.

-Nairobi. The wig of wisdom there.

Remember, if you give this act the thumbs up,

we don't release them, but we give them a little treat.

Today's treat is marvellous. It's Darwin's Theory of Evolution.

Oh, very deep book. Very intelligent, yes. Nice, that, isn't it?

If they don't, they get a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Bur...

I mean, Miss Meadows, what is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

-The old sack-and-porridge routine, sir.

-Oh, nobody wants that.

All right, it's time for solitary confinement,

and the act that we call The Cheeky Singer!

BOOING

Hello, everybody! My name is The Cheeky Singer.

I'm here to sing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

like you've never heard before.

-SHE SINGS THROUGH HER THROAT:

-# Twinkle, twinkle

# Little star

# How I wonder what you are

# Up above the ground, so high

# Like a diamond in the sky

# Twinkle, twinkle

# Little star

# How I wonder what you are! #

Well, there we are. I don't know...

A bit of booing, a bit of cheering as well.

A most unusual act there.

I thought it was quite good, but it's not for me to decide.

It's up to you, Justice Nairobi.

Hold that thumb up there...

Remember, thumbs up and it's the Theory of Evolution,

thumbs down, soaked to her skin

in an oatmeal-based, sloppy, ploppy solution.

Your time starts now.

What's it going to be?

Oh!

Your act was weak and sloppy, so, for you, it's...

ALL: Plop! Plop! Plop!

Ploppy!

Let her have it, both buckets! Yeah!

Sloppy! Sloppy!

ALL: Sloppy! Sloppy! Sloppy!

ALL: Sloppy! Sloppy! Sloppy!

Ha ha! That's it! Take her back to the cell! Give her a big cheer. Yeah!

I'm sorry, Miss Meadows, I get carried away.

Thank you to our judge, please.

Take her away. Thank you, Miss Meadows!

Oh. On with the Freedom Show, jailers and jailbirds.

Oh, I love a bit of sloppy, ploppy porridge!

Now, this next act are very unusual.

They wear big coats, they do amazing things.

Will you solve the mysteries of The Magic Coats?

LATIN MUSIC PLAYS

Take them away! The Magic Coats!

Well, the little fella in the middle, he's Scottish, you know.

He's called Angus McCoatup. Ha ha!

But...at the end of the day, will they be putting on their coats

and getting out The Slammer? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Woof! Woof! Woof!

-What's the matter, miss? Something wrong?

-You're a bad dog.

Tell me about The Magic Coats.

You couldn't really know where they got the ladders from and stuff,

cos they... I don't know how they got them into their coats.

Sum that act up for me in one final... FACE?!

Sir.

-Well, just one more performing...

-Hold it! Hold it, sir!

-Mr Burgess?

I've got a very important message to convey to the audience, sir.

All right, but this better not be another example of bad behaviour.

Oh, not at all, sir. I've got the message right here, sir.

-Hey! Hey!

-I've got the message right here.

SCREAMING

-Stop that!

-What?

Right, you leave me no alternative

but to make a citizen's arrest

for interrupting one of Her Majesty's Freedom Shows...

-SIRENS BLARE

-That's him, officer.

That's Rick Burgess.

-They're coming.

-Oh, blimey! It's the rozzers!

-Go on, take him away!

-Leave it out!

-Dear, oh, dear.

Thank goodness I'm back.

I'm afraid we've all been victims of my evil twin brother,

RICK Burgess, sir.

-Oh, Mr Burgess.

-Yes.

-Marvellous. Well, it's good to have you back.

-Straighten up, Meadows!

-Oh, it's the old Burgess, the real Frank Burgess. Mr Burgess?

-YES!

-Continue with the Freedom Show!

-YES, SIR!

-Take that with you.

-Right, sir.

And what an act we've got for you.

Yes, jailers and jailbirds, a young man who's serving

seven years for doing amazing things with Hula Hoops.

He is the tremendous Hula Boy!

MUSIC: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis Presley

SONG: "Hound Dog"

SONG: "The Wonder Of You"

Wow! Wow!

The Hula Boy! What an act! Did he make you go cock-a-hoop?!

Did he make you want to loop the loop and go, "Woop, woop"?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Right, sir, what did you make of Hula Boy?

I really liked the bit where he made a spring at the end,

where it went all over his body and he was waving like the sea.

Tell us about Hula Boy, sir.

I thought he was amazing and I think he should go through cos

I didn't know anyone could put all those Hula Hoops on a person.

For one final word...

-Miss, sum it up for me, please.

-Excellent.

Excellent. Yes, I'd concur with that, sir. Excellent.

Right, on to find out who's going free from The Slammer,

with this, the Clap-o-meter, as proudly displayed by Meadows there.

But first, let's welcome all the acts back on the stage.

Come on, Jordan Gomez!

Ned!

The Magic Coats!

There you go. And, of course, we've got Hula Boy there.

Well, four sensational performing prisoner acts.

Only one act can go free. Who's it going to be?

You know what to do, don't you, jailers and jailbirds?

You make the noise, and the Clap-o-meter turns it into a score.

First act up was funny, he was sensational. Did you like him enough?

Was it Jordan Gomez?

LOUD CHEERING

A good score, Jordan, there. 72.3.

On next to one of the youngest acts we've ever had in The Slammer.

A young man who writes his own music.

Will he go on and make a big name for himself outside The Slammer?

Let's hear it, please, for Ned The Kids Dylan!

LOUD CHEERING

Ned goes into the lead with 75.6. A great score there.

We've got some brilliant acts this week, haven't we?

Well, you certainly loved these two. Or were there three of them?

I lost count. It was The Magic Coats!

LOUD CHEERING

Oh, I think you're going to be keeping those coats on

inside The Slammer. Just 72.6. Good score.

But that means, still in the lead, and, at the moment, walking free,

is Ned The Kids Dylan.

The only act that can pip him at the post

was a sensational spinning act with those Hula Hoops.

It was Hula Boy!

VERY LOUD CHEERING

Well, almost top of the shop, a sensational score! 96.8!

It means going free is Hula Boy!

Come on, off you go.

Away you go. Take him away! Give him a big cheer, jailers and jailbirds!

Yeah! He's going free.

Well, that's great news for Hula Boy.

The news that isn't so great -

it means the rest of you are staying with us in The Slammer,

but you get tea, at least.

Unfortunately, it's always sloppy, ploppy porridge, isn't it?

-That's all we ever get, Mr Burgess.

-Well, no, sir.

There's not a scrap of it left in The Slammer anyway,

so we're clean out.

There's no sloppy porridge left? What are you going to do?

We'll take all the prisoners to the cafe down the road, sir.

What are they going to have there?

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge. They've got gallons of it.

-Oh!

Go on, give them a big cheer and a round of applause.

Well, that's it, jailers and jailbirds.

From Officer Meadows, Mr Burgess and me,

your governor, see you soon on The Slammer!

Bye, everybody! Bye!

Number one and number two. Here we go.

-I'm going to need more than that!

-Oh, no.

Any more than two sheets a day

has to go through Head Office, Miss Meadows.

-But...

-Ah, in there!

Ha!