Polly Meadows The Slammer

Dear Auntie Doris, it's been a day full of excitement

and surprises - just the kind of day I hate.

There was lots of danger on today's Freedom Show.

Dangerous tunes...

dangerous goons...

and Dangerous Dave...

I remain your loyal servant...

GET OFF MY BISCUITS!

Yours faithfully,

Francis M Burgess,

GSM.

SIREN

# You've been found guilty of a howling show-biz crime

# So, welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're going to spend your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit

# To try to get released

# So, go fetch the audience

# And bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands,

# So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

-#

-Leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

Who's the Tyrannosaur?

Oh, you're the Tyrannosaur! Grr!

Gov...

What is it, Frank? Can't you see I'm busy?

Busy, sir?

Yes, I'm preparing our strategy

in case of a dinosaur apocalypse.

It could happen, Frank. I've seen films.

I'm sure you have, sir.

Well, forgive me for interrupting your detailed research,

but there's a lady outside demanding to see the person in charge, sir.

Well, show her in. I'm prepared for anything!

Sir! Madam, would you like to step this way?

I'm looking for the person in charge.

-Well, the person in charge is right here!

-Where?

-Here!

-I can't see her.

What do you mean, "her"?

Are you hard of hearing or something?

I'm looking for the Governor, Holly Meadows.

The Governor!? Holly Meadows!?

Mum!

What a lovely surprise!

Holly, darling.

What's this buffoon doing behind your desk?

If by "buffoon" you mean me,

and people usually do,

I think you'll find the sign on the door

clearly reads "Governor," which is...

Me!

Governor Meadows.

Thanks for cleaning my desk, Officer Ted.

-Officer Ted!?

-Has he got a problem, Holly?

He repeats everything. I've never heard anything like it!

I've never heard anything like it!

He's on work experience.

Work experience!?

See what I mean?

Mum, just pop down to the canteen, would you?

I just need to have a private word with, erm...

Officer Ted here.

I don't blame you.

Give that layabout a piece of your mind.

He needs it!

I can explain...

Explain!?

Yeah, sir, you really do have to stop doing that.

Mum's got a point.

Ooh!

So, you see, sir,

Mum always had really high expectations for me.

When I came top of my class in the academy,

she assumed I'd be in charge.

And I...well, let her.

Sorry, sir.

Don't you mean "Officer Ted"?

She'll be so disappointed if she finds out.

Couldn't you play along just for today, of course?

Please?

Oh, all right then!

I'm just too soft-hearted, me.

But on one condition.

Anything!

You have to tell Mr Burgess he has to call you...

"Ma'am."

I can't wait to see his face.

Oh, yes, Ma'am! Ha-ha.

Can you just remind me again, sir,

why we're doing this?

To support Officer Meadows, Frank!

Because she's our friend!

Come on! Put some effort into it.

Scrub a dub dub, Officers!

And remember...

I'll be checking in every corner!

I'm really sorry about all this!

Isn't it about time The Governor inspected today's Freedom Show Acts?

Oh, yes, you'd better go, sir.

Oh, except I'm not the Governor.

You are.

Oh, right, yes.

Which way are we going?

Oh, erm, this way,

"Ma'am".

Not you, Ted!

You'll have to scrub twice as hard now there's only one of you!

Come on. Chop chop!

Mwahahaha!

Chop chop you in a minute.

I beg your pardon?

I didn't say anything. I'm just a...

Presenting today's acts...

Ma'am!

First up, Rola Rola.

Yes. Very good.

What exactly am I inspecting them for?

Well, so, you know who you'll be introducing

on the Freedom Show, of course.

Such as Fear Of The Unknown, here.

Right, yes.

Wait! What?

Well, as you well know,

the Governor always presents The Freedom Show,

and after all, you are the Governor, aren't you, Ma'am?

Act three, Dangerous Dave.

I can't... I mean, I never...

Something wrong, pet?

Oh, no. No, I just, erm...

I just had a brainwave.

I think it would be a fantastic training exercise

if I let Officer Ted host the Freedom Show!

Just this once, of course!

Do you really think young Ted is up to it?

I'm sure he can muddle through.

Yes, he usually does.

In that case, I shan't introduce you to Slackliners.

Off you go, lads. Hop it!

This way.

Right. Let's get this over with and get your mother out of here!

Well, at least, she can't cause any more trouble!

I'll be sat in the front row,

watching you like a hawk, Ted!

Don't let my daughter down.

How do I look?

BOTH: Divine, sir.

How do you feel?

Terrified, Frank.

It's Showtime!

'Ladies and gentlemen.

'Welcome to HMP Slammer.

'Where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Now, please, welcome your host.

'He's scrubbed all the floors,

'he's done all his chores,

'now, he wants your applause,

'it's the Governor...'

WILD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?

AUDIENCE: You're the Governor!

Why are they all saying that?

You're the Governor, pet!

It's all part of the show, Mum!

We've to give him a chance.

Now, turn around.

Are you up for this jailers and jailbirds, yes?

AUDIENCE: Yes!!

Right. Well, let's crack on with our very first cracking act.

Now, they are originally from Spain and they do amazing things.

So, as they're from Spain,

let's say, "Hola, hola" to Rola Rola!

Fantastic! Will they be going free?

Will it be hola or adios with Hola Hola.

Let's say hola to Mr Burgess.

Don't ask him, ask Holly!

We should let Mr Burgess have a go, Mum.

It's the only way he'll learn.

Yes, thank very much. If that's all right with you.

Oh, yes, over to Mr Burgess.

Yes, thank you.

Right, then! Obviously, don't try any of that at home yourself,

otherwise you might come a cropper.

Miss, what did you make of Rola Rola?

Very, very, very, very talented.

Madame, your views on Rola Rola?

It looked so dangerous.

At first, I thought it was asking for death when...

-Ha-ha!

-..when he went up really high.

I really couldn't look.

Oh, Madame, you need to take some deep breaths.

One final word. Sum that act up for me, miss.

-Slammericious!

-Slammericious, sir!

Well, there's your views on Rola Rola.

On to the next performing prisoner act.

It's a variety show, this,

which means variety.

This act are very, very different.

So unusual I don't know how describe them

because they're unknown.

They're called Fear Of The Unknown!

# Face the fear

# Embrace the unknown

# We're here

# We're here

# We're here with no fear

# The fear,

# the fear

# the Fear Of The Unknown! #

Bravo!

Wow!

Oh!

Wow, Fear Of The Unknown

and they sang, "face the fear."

It's like facing Mr Burgess.

Fear Of The Unknown. Sir?

Erm, well, I liked the dancing

cos it was like, sudden.

-So, it just sort of happened, Sir, like that?

-Yeah.

Fear Of The Unknown, what did you think?

It was entertaining

and it was really good.

And for one final word on Fear Of The Unknown, Miss?

-Amazing.

-Amazing, SIR!

Fear Of The Unknown, brilliant!

Now to another fearful thing.

The act that we call Solitary Confinement!

A chance to give up performing prisoner a go on the stage.

If they win... They're too naughty.

We can't let these people out,

but we give them a treat.

Today's treat's marvellous. They'll have a nice bath

and they can play with some little rubber boats.

Isn't that lovely? Little rubber boats, yeah.

Lovely. I like that.

But if they don't win,

oh, they get the thumbs down.

A cruel and unusual punishment, Mr Burgess?

-SIR!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, Sir, it's the old sack and porridge routine, sir.

Yes, stuffed in that sack and the porridge...

We love it! First of all, we need a judge.

-We do indeed, sir.

-We always need a judge.

Would you like to come up and be my judge?

What about this young gentleman here?

-Would you like to do it, sir?

-He looks good.

Give him a hand of applause, please.

Hello, sir. You have a thumb, I can see.

Good. Mr Burgess...

The wig of justice, sir.

-Your name?

-Durell.

-Durell?

-Yeah.

You are now Justice Durell.

You'll decide the fate of this performing prisoner

that we call...

Yo-yo Kevin!

BOOS

BOOS

Is it any wonder we keep these acts in solitary confinement?

Justice Durell, it's up to you to decide.

Remember it thumbs up,

sat in a bath with the nice, floaty boats.

Thumbs down,

sat in the sack with the sloppy, ploppy oats.

And your time starts now.

What's it going to be?

Ooh!

Oh!!

You're at was weak and sloppy, so for you it's...

AUDIENCE: Plop, plop, plop, plop, ploppy!

Let him have it. How many buckets?

One or two? Both, yes? Yes, yes!

Sloppy! Ploppy!

EVERYONE: Sloppy, ploppy, Sloppy, ploppy! Sloppy, ploppy!

Sir!

Oh, oh. I'm sorry.

Oh, take him back to his cell.

There we are.

And give a big, cheering round of applause to Justice Durell

for doing a marvellous job. There we are.

I can't get enough of that sloppy, ploppy stuff.

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir?

Continue please with the Freedom Show.

Sir!

Now, a marvellous act for you. You like danger?

You ain't seen nothing like this act.

He's serving 7 1/2 years in The Slammer for being dangerous.

It's Dangerous Dave!

Hello and welcome to the world's most spectacular,

awesome and dangerous stunt performance...

ever.

Contained within this box,

for the sake of public safety,

is none other than the daring,

the dazzling, that dastardly...

Dangerous Dave!

I shall now lift the lid of the box!

DRUM ROLL

I now ask you to put your hands together.

Clap, go mad, go wild.

Here he is! The man of the moment.

It is Dangerous Dave!

-IN A HIGH PITCHED VOICE:

-Hello, everybody.

AUDIENCE: Hello, Dangerous Dave!

Hello.

Dave's the name

and danger's the game.

So, Dave, what are you going to do for us?

Oh, well, I am going to climb the Slippery Pole of Peril

and dive headfirst into

the Food Mixer Of Dooooooom.

Would that be this Food Mixer Of Doom, Dave?

-That's the very one.

-Right.

-You go get your pole and I'll plug it in.

-All right.

-Are you ready, Dave?

-I'm ready!

Are you ready, audience?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Give a gander, The Slippery Pole Of Peril!

There's the pole now.

Emerging from the box. Yes, I think...

There he is. There's Dave and the at the bottom of his ascent.

OK. I'm getting the food processor already for you, Dave.

I'm at the top. I'm going to jump.

That's it, Dave. Jump, jump.

Jump, Dave!

Aahh!!

Oh, no! What...

There's his head.

-Got no body!

-It's all right, Dave.

There's your body.

Don't worry. I can put it back together.

I think I know how it goes.

No, that's not it, is it?

You'll be good as new.

Nooo-wooo!

I'm going to tell my mummy.

Dave?

Yay!

There you have it! Dangerous Dave!

Dangerous Dave!

Just one thing, remember these acts are professionals.

Do not mess around, any of you,

with electrics or with food processors.

Very, very dangerous.

But that act was called Dangerous Dave.

Let's find out what you thought of it

with fearless Frank Burgess, of course.

The danger of Dave.

It was really funny the way he climbed up the pole

and his voice was funny, too.

Funny voices and climbing up poles,

that's what you want to see?

Yeah.

Now then, sir, what did you think of Dangerous Dave?

It was the weirdest thing I had ever seen

and it was really funny cos of his voice

and the way he climbed up the pole.

Can you do an impression of his voice, sir?

-IN A HIGH PITCHED VOICE:

-Hello. My name is Dangerous Dave.

Very good.

Final word. Sum that act up for me, sir.

Hilarious.

All right. Hilarious.

Well, Dangerous Dave could be going free. Who knows?

One more performing prisoner act to see, jailers and jailbirds.

Now, this act is very well balanced

serving three years in the slammer,

well, for slacking cos they are The Slackliners!

Give them a big cheer, jailers and jailbirds.

The Slackliners.

My word! Whoa!

Nothing slack about that.

What did you think of that performance?

Let's find out from the man who always walks the line,

Mr Burgess.

So, Slackliners, high-class quality entertainment

or just some lads jumping about on a freight strap?

Well, I think they wobbled a little now and then,

but otherwise it was better than my mum's Sunday dinner

because they had amazing balance and tremendous tricks.

Better than your mum's Sunday dinner?

Yeah.

What did you think of the Slackliners, sir?

Well, I thought the they were really, really good.

The way they did all the backflips, the front flips...

It was slammerific!

Whoa!

And for final word.

Sum that act up for me, Miss.

Reem!

Reem?

All right. Reem, sir!

Well now, jailers and jailbirds,

it's time to decide who goes free

from the Freedom Show with this,

the Clap-o-meter!

Holly! What are you doing?

You should be in charge of the voting!

Hey, excuse me! She's in charge of the Clap-o-meter.

It's a very important job. She has to, you know, the...

What is it you do exactly?

Oh, I've had enough of this!

Mum,

I'm not the Governor. He is.

Well, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

Look. Who's The Governor?

AUDIENCE: You're the Governor!

See!

What?

Then...

you're not the most important person in The Slammer?

No! I'm the least important!

But you know what? I'm happy here.

You're happy?

Well, if you're happy...

that's all I've ever wanted!

Really?

Of course!

AUDIENCE: Ahh!

I'm your mum!

If we're quite done here, is there any chance we can finish this show

before I have to go and be sick?

Yes. Sorry, Mr Burgess!

-Right. Mr Burgess.

-Sir?

Continue with the Freedom Show

-Clap-o-meter section of the show.

-Ah!

Now, jailers and jailbirds,

you'll be deciding who goes free as I was saying

before I was interrupted,

so let's welcome them all back onto the stage.

Rola Rola...

Fear Of The Unknown...

Dangerous Dave...

And Slackliners...

My word!

Lots of performing prisoners there?

Who's going to go free?

Remember, the more noise you make, the higher the score.

Well, they were absolutely brilliant.

They were death-defying.

They were balanced. Rola Rola!

AUDIENCE CLAPS

A good score. Yes, very good. 73.5.

Now, a very, very colourful act indeed.

Very unusual.

What did you make of Fear Of The Unknown?

AUDIENCE CLAPS

Almost off the scale 97.6.

Scorching into the lead of Fear Of The Unknown.

A really high score.

Well, they're in pole position.

Can they be knocked off by this man?

He took some risks with his little friend.

It's Dangerous Dave!

AUDIENCE CLAPS

Again, these are great scores. 72.4.

Well, only one act left.

They were the Slackliners!

AUDIENCE CLAPS

Well, again brilliant scores. 77.5.

That second position,

but it means going free with a tremendous score of 97.6,

it's Fear Of The Unknown!

Off you go.

Go, go.

Go, go, go!

Give them a big cheer, jailers and jailbirds.

Fear Of The Unknown.

Go free.

Well, the rest of you...

The good news is you're staying for tea.

Unfortunately, we know what we get for tea in The Slammer.

And Mr Burgess, I bet it begins with P.

P, sir, well, that could be lots of things.

So, you've got pastry, paella, pasta, pastis, pastrami,

prawns, pepperoni, peas, pot of peas,

peas pudding, peas porridge, pureed potatoes,

pancetta parcels, Parmesan pockets, pickled partridge,

parsnip preserves, pepper pork pies, pecan poffertjes,

peanut praline, pineapple puffs,

Portuguese pudding, Persian porridge and Peruvian profiteroles, sir!

So, what is it?

Porridge, sir, of the sloppy, ploppy variety.

Oh, take them away, jailers and jailbirds.

Give them all a big hand.

Rola Rola, Dangerous Dave and Slackliners.

Four tremendous acts here on the Freedom Show.

Join us again soon for more fun.

Bye-bye from The Slammer!

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

I'm glad you're happy dear, pet.

Thanks, Mum.

You don't mind not being in charge?

Give me a year!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

That's my girl!