X Marks the Spot Factor The Slammer

Dear Mum, today The Slammer has been full of surprises!

Surprising treats...

Surprising beats...

# Hey, hey! #

And surprising feats!

It all started like this...

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

So may I ask everyone to raise a glass,

in memory of The Slammer's greatest ever practical joker...

Rodney "Oh, What A Surprise" Flimflam.

-ALL:

-Rest in peace!

Bleh!

Somebody's put washing up liquid in this!

Oh, yes... A joker to the end.

He could never catch me out that easily.

WHOOPEE CUSHION BLOWS

Who did that? Was it you?

Rodney strikes again!

Ha! Sweetie...

Oh! Hot! Hot!

I'll have that...

Flimflam was the greatest practical joker this place has ever seen.

Rumour has it he's hidden a priceless treasure

somewhere in The Slammer.

What's the matter? Am I dribbling limeade again?

You've got writing on your face, sir!

Well, there's certainly lines on it.

There's writing here, too.

It must have rubbed off when you were wiping your sweaty head.

-Well, what does it say?

-Um, splagurge the, the...

Not my head, the note!

Oh, I see, sir!

"Whilst I was at Her Majesty's pleasure

"I managed to hide my priceless treasure

"Solve these clues to find the place

"Where I hid something to put a smile on your face!"

It's a clue from Rodney where he hid the treasure.

Well deduced, Sherlock.

Hey, back off. What's the first clue?

"Food in the canteen was never ever good

"But the good stuff hides in a place made of wood!"

The canteen!

"Good stuff hides in a place made of wood..."

Look for something wooden.

-No, not me!

-Well, what about that, sir?

Don't be ridiculous, Frank. Who ever heard of a wooden banana?

Not the bananas, sir, the crate!

Oh...

Oh, she's right. There's something hidden on the back side!

-Oh, I'll get it off.

-Not my backside!

-The crate.

-Another note.

-A note, a note.

Clue number two...

"My window was covered in old iron bars

"But my treasure is hidden close to the stars."

He's hidden his treasure on the moon.

How crafty!

Yes, either that, sir, or it's in his cell.

No treasure here, either.

And you're not exactly helping, sir, are you?

-Yes, I am, Frank.

-How?

By not getting in the way.

Fair point.

Although, I must say, Rodney's bunk isn't very comfy.

-Another note!

-Oh, a note?

"I always had such a hoot

"When the Governor wore his showtime suit."

But my suit's in my office.

Well, that's where the loot is, then.

We must stop meeting like this.

Catapult, antacid chew, lucky jelly bean...

I mean, all treasures of a sort, Frank,

but nothing left there by Rodney.

I wouldn't say that, sir.

Allow me, Shirley. Or should I say "sir".

-Another note!

-A note!

"If you're really very clever and put my clues together

"You'll finally find my special treasure!"

We're obviously not clever enough...

Speak for yourself, sir!

We've no time to find the treasure now,

the Freedom Show's about to start.

-We'll keep looking as soon as it's over. Deal?

-Deal.

And no sneaking off trying to find the treasure for yourselves.

No, no, no...

-Eh, eh, eh.

-I was just doing the...

-Right.

-How do I look?

-BOTH:

-Shifty.

-Thank you very much.

It's showtime!

-ANNOUNCER:

-Ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please welcome your host...

he's spent all morning looking for treasure,

on his day off, he tickles chickens for pleasure.

Please welcome the Governor!

APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?

-AUDIENCE:

-You're the Governor!

Welcome jailers and jailbirds to another fantastic Freedom Show.

And I've heard that there's treasure hidden somewhere in The Slammer.

Oh, hey! No, hang on a minute!

Where are you lot going? No, no, no. I don't mean there.

Come on, sit down, everybody.

We've got real treasure to unearth in the Freedom Show, first of all.

We've got some marvellous acts,

and nobody's going looking for treasure until after the show...

Ain't that right, Mr Burgess? Miss Meadows?

Let's get off with a real wonderful act,

and they're doing three years here in The Slammer

for giving the judge a tap on the head

and making water come out of his ears.

Because they are called Tap Factory!

APPLAUSE

Hey, come on!

Oh, boy!

The Tap Factory, yeah. I wouldn't mind,

but we only booked them to paint the corridor. Takes for ever!

Wonderful tapping there. What did you think of that?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess - no mean tapper himself.

Well, the Tap Factory, there.

Was it a production line or was it a chorus line, miss?

It was good, awesome and beautiful

because they were doing it really quickly and really fast.

Tell me what you thought of Tap Factory, sir.

It was amazingly hilarious with a topping of cool.

A topping of cool? I like that.

-Right, for one final word, sum that act up for me, sir.

-Moves.

Moves, sir, moves! Very good.

Well, a very exciting act, weren't they, the Tap Factory?

'I'm sure that treasure's in the canteen somewhere.'

This is another little piece of buried treasure.

Absolutely golden this act is and he's serving five years

in The Slammer for giving the judge a lot of hot air

which he blew into balloons.

Which is just as well because he is Bob Wooding.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

PINK PANTHER MUSIC PLAYS

007 THEME PLAYS

DR WHO MUSIC PLAYS

GHOSTBUSTERS THEME PLAYS

# Ghostbusters!

# If there's something strange in the neighbourhood

# Who you gonna call? #

-ALL:

-Ghostbusters!

# I ain't afraid of no ghost. #

ET SONG PLAYS

ET, phone home.

# Five

# Four

# Three

# Two

# One

# Thunderbirds are go! #

THUNDERBIRDS MUSIC PLAYS

Bob Wooding, what a fantastic act, ladies and gentlemen!

Did you enjoy that, yeah?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Real treasure.

Yes, and all those aliens and scary monsters...

almost as scary as Mr Burgess.

Bob Wooding, balloon bending or mind-boggling?

I think he was really creative

and I think he really kept us entertained instead of boring us.

That's it.

Bob Wooding, was he "gooding"?

He was very extraordinary and because it was different

and nobody has done anything amazing like that.

And for one final word, some that act up for me, sir.

-Funny.

-Funny.

Will they be going free? You'll be deciding later with the Clapometer.

Fruitless!

Right now, it's time for the act that we call Solitary Confinement.

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

The part of the Freedom Show where we give an act a chance to perform.

They're too naughty to let them free,

but if they do well, they get a little treat.

And today's treat is, they can have a day in The Slammer's spa...

We've got a spa!

They can have a sunbed, they can lie on the sun lounger

and get a lovely, honey-toasted suntan. They look gorgeous.

Nice, isn't it?

If they don't do well, they get a cruel and unusual punishment.

-Mr Burgess!

-Yeah?

What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's the old sack and porridge routine, sir!

Ah, ye olde sack and porridge. First of all, we need a judge, Mr Burgess.

-We do, indeed.

-Somebody looking wise?

-Fine, I'm going to this lady right here.

-She looks very wise.

Yes, bring her up. Give her a round of applause, please. Thank you.

-Here you go.

-Thank you, young lady.

-Your name, please?

-Savanna.

-Savanna, apply the...

-The wig of justice, sir.

Savanna, you are our judge as we go onto the Solitary Confinement act

that we call Nutty Noah!

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, Savanna, it's up to you now to decide the fate of Nutty Noah.

Remember, thumbs up, you're sunny like honey and flat on your back.

Thumbs down, you're ploppy and sloppy in a sweaty old sack.

Get that thumb up there. Your five seconds start now.

Oh, straight down! Oh, straightaway!

Your act was weak and sloppy, so for your it's...

-ALL:

-It's plop, plop, sloppy!

Let him have it, both buckets! Go on!

Sloppy! Ploppy!

-CROWD CHANTS:

-Sloppy! Ploppy!

Sloppy! Ploppy!

Sir! Come on, sir!

Take him back to the cells!

Yeah, give him a cheer, and Justice Savanna, as well!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sloppy, ploppy part... I love it!

-Mr Burgess.

-Ah!

-Continue, please, with the Freedom Show.

-Daaargh!

Right, jailers and jailbirds, our next Freedom Show act is marvellous.

Been in The Slammer for seven years, he's the man of a thousand voices,

it's cost us a fortune, we have to feed every one of those voices.

It's Anil Desai!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, boys and girls.

I'm going to do as many impressions as I can

in as much time as I have,

so I need a volunteer.

Officer Meadows, would you help me with my act, please?

Please, it's the only chance I have to get out of here!

CHEERING

Now, I have a deck of cards.

On each card is a famous name that I'm going to impersonate.

What I would like you to do, please,

is you say the name on the card, I'll do the impression,

you guys enjoy it, I'll move on to the next one.

-Are you ready for this? KIDS:

-YEAH!

-Me too! Take it away!

The movie trailer voice man.

Get ready for the time of your life.

APPLAUSE

-Just warming up.

-Shaggy and Scooby-Doo.

Come on, Scoob, let's get out of here. Zoiks!

LAUGHS AS SCOOBY-DOO

-Homer Simpson.

-Homer Simpson. Yay, I like burgers and pizza and chicken.

Has anyone seen Lisa or Bart?

Anywhere? I don't know where those kids are.

AS MARGE: Homer, they're at home watching the show on TV.

AS HOMER: Thanks, Marge. Heh-heh-heh, Marge.

APPLAUSE

-Captain Jack Sparrow.

-Listen, mate, here's the thing. Whoa.

Whoa, this isn't the Black Pearl. Where am I?

Hit the deck and man the sails, here comes a big wave.

Batman.

AS CHRISTIAN BALE'S BATMAN: I'm Batman, where are they?

Where are they? Oh, there they are.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mr T.

I pity the fool that impersonates me.

Huh! Eat your greens, kids. Don't make me mad. Huh!

APPLAUSE

Gandalf from Lord Of The Rings.

Oh, Frodo, all we can do now is to decide what to do with the time

we have left.

Oh, it's tea-time. Bye.

APPLAUSE

Kermit the Frog.

I'm Kermit the Frog. I'm here at The Slammer, reporting.

Someone is going to get released today. Who's it going to be? Let's find out in a few minutes.

-Angelina Jolie.

-Ooh.

LAUGHTER

-Austin Powers.

-Austin Powers. Very groovy.

You know, you are heading for a smacked bottom, yeah.

LAUGHTER Oh, behave.

I've been Anil Desai and many other people.

Folks, you've been great. Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Anil Desai, the man of a thousand voices.

Let's hear from another voice, Mr Burgess.

Mr Burgess? Frank?

It's all feathers and no treasures!

Atchoo!

I bet he's gone treasure hunting again.

Miss Meadows, I know you've been very busy, but would you mind helping out?

So, tell me about that act.

I think he was amazing, I especially liked the Simpsons one.

-I think he was the best act yet.

-Do you like impressions, sir?

-Yeah, I love impressions.

-Do you do any?

-Yeah.

-Who do you do?

-You.

-No.

-Yeah.

-Go on, then, here's the microphone, do me.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to-o-o-o-o The Slammer!

LAUGHTER

-Very good. Very good. What's your name?

-Jake.

-Jake, did you like the impressions?

-Yeah.

-What was the best impression?

-Batman.

-Batman?

-Yeah.

-And for one final word, please sum that act up.

-Marvellodrome.

-Marvellodrome, sir.

Well, that's what you thought of Anil Desai. Marvellous.

Mm. Mm.

It's on to our final performing prisoner act.

From the young offenders section here at The Slammer, they're young,

just like yourselves. What will you think of them?

They're a mini band and they've been banned from outside society

but they might get back in if they win tonight.

Let's hear it for the Mini Band!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MUSIC STARTS

# They're coming for you, so you better watch

# See your every movement

# Still, you'll think you've won

# And now I know what's on your mind

# Cos you're so hard, so hard to find

# I'm seeing through the lying

# Hey, hey, I saw the picture now that you are not a fake

# Hey, hey, step into the light and you will never hurt again

# Hey, hey, you'll find your way that you can win your special place

# Hey, hey

# Never, never, ever feel the pain

# I'm seeing through your lying eyes

# And I know what's on your mind

# Hey, hey, I'm sure the people know that you are not a fake

# Hey, hey, step into the light and you will never feel the pain

# Hey, hey

# Never, never, ever feel the pain

# Hey, hey

# Never, never, ever feel the pain. #

Whoa! Come on, let's hear it again for the Mini Band. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Oh! Well, what did you think of the Mini Band?

I was going to leap out into the mosh pit. Would you have caught me?

No, you wouldn't, would you?

Let's find out what you thought with that old mosher, Mr Burgess.

Rock 'n' roll!

Mini plus band equals noise.

I've been to lots of music festivals

and I think these have been the best ones ever.

-And I think they're as hot as lava.

-They're as hot as lava?

-Yep!

-And what about a man's perspective on that?

-I didn't like it at all.

I didn't think they could sing or play music, to be honest.

-Oh, so, you're in my camp, sir.

-Yeah.

-KIDS BOO

-Oi, oi, oi!

Right. Shut up. Shut up.

The man is entitled to his opinion

and it happens to be the same opinion as mine.

Have you thought about joining the prison service, sir?

-No.

-I'll give you an application form afterwards.

What did you think of the Mini Band?

So absolutely amazing that I have nothing to say.

Thank you very much and goodbye.

One final word. Sum up that noise, sir.

Rocktastic!

Rocktastic, sir!

Well, it's that time when we decide who goes free.

Let's invite everybody back on the stage.

Tap Factory, Bob Wooding...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Anil Desai,

and, of course, the Mini Band.

Well, four very different acts indeed,

you decide who goes free with this, Officer Meadows' Clapometer.

The more noise you make, the higher they score. It's as simple as that.

What did you make of them?

All the way from France, let's hear it for Tap Factory.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

78.3. Great score. Well done, lads. Tres bon, tres bon.

Next, jailers and jailbirds,

what did you think of the fabulous balloon antics of Bob Wooding?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Brilliant, Bob, but, oh, you're in second place, Bob.

In the lead, it's Tap Factory at the moment.

Now, a very clever gentleman, lots of different voices,

which one did you like the best?

Will he be going out? It's Anil Desai!

APPLAUSE AND SCREAMING

He's working the crowd. 84.7, he's in the lead, ladies and gentlemen.

Only one act now can pip Anil.

Jailers and jailbirds, felon fans,

what did you think of the rocking sounds of the Mini Band?

APPLAUSE AND SCREAMING

Well, guess what, they're the winners.

Look at that, with a great score right at the end of 90.6

and going free, it's the Mini Band.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Off you go, take them away there. That's great news for them.

The not so great news for everybody else is you've got to stay for tea.

What do we have for tea in The Slammer?

-KIDS:

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge!

And there's no point asking you, Mr Burgess, cos you'll just make out

it's some fancy French a la mode

and it'll just turn out to be sloppy, ploppy porridge.

-It might not be, sir.

-It might not be? Oh! What is for tea?

Sloppy, ploppy porridge, sir.

Oh! Away you go. Go and enjoy the porridge.

Give them a big hand, ladies and gentlemen.

Tap Factory, Bob Wooding and Anil Desai.

Well, there is only one winner

but they're all winners here on the Freedom Show.

Brilliant acts and a brilliant audience.

I hope you come and join Officer Meadows and me and Mr Burgess

for more fun soon on The Slammer.

And remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-KIDS:

-Don't do the time!

And I will see you soon on the Freedom Show in The Slammer. Bye-bye.

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #

So, that's it, then, no treasure?

We just couldn't put the clues together.

But that's just what I did, put the clues together.

Somewhere made of wood, somewhere close to the stars

and somewhere where I wear my showtime suit.

BOTH: The Freedom Show stage.

Yes! Ha-ha-ha!

Ohhhh!

ALL: The treasure!

Is that it?

Yep.